Failing In Bed:- Fact or Fiction?
The top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all
you 'Casanovas!'
1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and
diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get
your money's worth by cuttingout nonessentials.
A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
pre-intimacy.
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it ,
some kid at school told you girls love this. Well,
there's a difference between being erotic and
blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the
candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a
porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs.
When she turns her head from side to side, it's not
passion, it's avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Mostmen act like a
housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and
smooth them.
5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto
a woman's nipples, then clampdown like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples
are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to
chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a
doggie toy isn't.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing
where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a
hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the
exclamation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A
woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel.
There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you gobombing straight
into downtown Vagina. So start paying them
some attention.
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual
dexterity in the underskirt region can result in
tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to
be that aggressive, just ask herto take the damn
things off.
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom
disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it,
you store it.
10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is
very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers
along side of the clitoris.
11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men,
don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can
tell she's not there, keep goingat all costs, numb
jaw or not.
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate
looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked
at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head.
Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING pre-intimacy.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be
very sexy. Pulling the material up between her
thighs and yanking it back andforth is not.
14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without
maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a
chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not
careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's
best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the
exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a
finger inside her and see if shelikes it.
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're
attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage
to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are
okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the
issue by stripping before she's at least made some
move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just
undoing a couple of buttons.
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in
socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the
socks first.
18. GOING TOO FAST. When youget to the penis-
in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is
pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll
soon feel like an assembly-lineworker made
obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great
triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding
concentrated into a few seconds.
20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With
reason. If you shoot before yousee the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have abackup plan to
ensure her pleasure too.
21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.It may appear
to you that humping for an hour without climaxing
is the mark of a sex god, but toher it's more likely
the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some
intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to
hold her interest while you're playing Marathon
Man.
22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to
be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask.
23. PERFORMING MouthAction TOO GENTLY. Don't
act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your
whole mouth down there, and concentrate on
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.
24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in
doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All
women hate this. It's about three steps from being
dragged to a cave by their hair.If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively
to her.
25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white.
Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral
sex, warn her before you comeso she can do
what's necessary.
26. MOVING AROUND DURING MouthAction. Don't
thrust. She'll do all the moving during MouthAction. You
just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN
MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love
it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just
means more laundry to do.
28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking
her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while
she does all the hard work is not. Caress her
gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like
the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT
WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a
reputation for not being able to follow directions. If
you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't
think that being drunk is an excuse.
30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I
take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody
of them.
31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on
her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off.
Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no
no.
32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a
belching contest.
33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she
wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless
she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too
ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
partner with snapped hamstrings.
34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this
carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men
because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert
some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if
you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to
wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on
end.
36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout
encouragement like a coach with a megaphone.
It's not a big turn-on.
37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a
lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she
likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have
to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it
right, and she might even do the same for you.
39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more
than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily,
she will turn blue.
40. THANKING HER. Never thanka woman for
having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
kitchen.
HEY GUYS! NEXT TIME REMEMBER THESE RULES
AND THE LADY MAY INVITE YOU BACK.