dablessed:

A very interesting and educatiing thread this is.

Death is inevitable.It is most certain that a partner will either die first or worse case scenario, both of them at the same time. No one enters a union with the hope of losing their spouse. However, it is something we should prepare for either consciously or otherwise. This preparation starts from the courtship period. What sort of man or woman are you dating right now? Chances are that the person you date or court, you will eventually get married to (unless you want to opt in for "an imported wife/husband" when you only date or court after the wedding)

Court wisely and make a good choice. Know the family you are entering into very well before you tie the knot.

Plan! Plan! Plan!, Its all about planning, This is what you should be doing, especially during courtship and not engaging in premarital sex that does nothing but blindfold you. Discuss this topic together as a couple and never shy away from the truth, How are you going to handle it should the inevitable come calling now? What would be the way forward when it happens? These are important issues to talk about.

Your spouse should be your next of kin under normal circumstances and if for one reason or the other, someone else is filling that gap, what are the implications at death? Talk about it,

Every woman should have a source of income, apart from the husband, being the main/partial source. In the same vein, every husband must not utterly depend on his wife financially. ( Although this is not very common where i come from ). Abi?

There are various insurance policies one can take advantage of and you may both need to seek professional counselling to opt in for the best package to meet your family and income level, age, etc

Understand your in-laws very well, do your best to be at peace with them as much as you can, love them dearly and put them into consideration when planning with your spouse.

If there are children in the union, what plans are you embarking on today to ensure they are not impaired in any respect, should the 'D' word knocks on your door? There are various long term investment packages parents sign up for the children to fall back on after they are gone, are you looking into this? Talk about it now, How about taking a trust? Speak to a solicitor,

Losing a spouse is enough trauma for anyone. However, lack of planning could aggravate such trauma. Some people have actually lost their mind, esteem, dignity, charisma, everything u can imagine after losing a spouse.

When i got married at the age of 23, we never talked about this sort of topic at all, like most people. Afterall, it is meant to be an everlasting union, why discuss death anyway? But then, 3 years down the line, he died!!! Yes, the inevitable, never discussed topic, unpalatable word is now here! I was only 26.

Although, i would not say we consciously planned, perhaps in our subconciousness, we both did. I was not utterly dependent on him as i was working, had a good relationship with his siblings such that there was no issue whatsoever afterwards. Its been five years and i can say that i have not been rendered completely handicapped as a result of losing him. I will most definitely remarry but how lovely would it be if we both talked about this while he was here?

The bottom line really is: "TALK ABOUT IT and plan now" and if it means seeking professional advise them do so!!

Shinatu:

@dablessed

Thank you for making your personal experience available for other people to learn from.
I am sure it has made this issue more real to people.
Your suggestion about knowing your to inlaws well before marriage is very critical.

almondjoy:

@dablessed

Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnng!

What a shocker! Sorry about that dablessed. That was too cold--to digest! May God continue to give you strenght.

spoilt:

i swear her arch nemesis will surface anytime now .


@nwando
whats up with you guys changing your names all the time? anyway no matter how many times you change your names i can detect the spirit behind each poster!

nwando:

This girl you smart o.
when you are not playing around you do make a whole lot of sense

_{I hope this statement doesn't invite your nairaland lover,frankies}

almondjoy:

It is easier for most men since they re-marry almost immediately--not because they have stopped loving their wives but because it is easier for most men to re-marry than for most women to re-marry. Men rarely feel helpless in the event that they lose their wives--for they have greater support systems in society from families and friends.  Most women are not that fortunate.

Men are better planners, and more realistic than women and already know what to do if such a thing as death of a spouse occurs. Their needs are easier met by having a companion in old age.  Men will gladly substitute while most women cannot get past the loss of their spouses----always looking for the original, never a duplicate-they take it harder and cannot easily remarry in most cases--and like to live mostly in a world of fantasies---happily ever after stuff.

As long as a man can have his needs met in the kitchen and the bedroom,  they can move on.  Not so easy for most women.

Bottom line it is easier for men because they usually remarry in less than 2 years and move on with their lives in body even if not in spirit.  The society we live in makes it easier for them too.  While you hear things like oooooooooh it is not good for a man to live by himself--women are other other hand praised for mourning their husbands for life.  You hear things like-oooooooooooooh she must have really loved him.  What a lucky man?

Women need to learn to plan better by believing in the power of "subtitution" too!

dablessed:

Very, very well said,

Almondjoy did make a huge amount of sense in the post below. In as much as she could  be on fire with her choice of words sometimes ( as in the case with frankies), i must say that she does make very very productive comments, She is multi talented is she not?, Emmm Almondjoy baby, whats up with you and frankies? I believe you have made up,

Wonderful!!

olanajim:

So what about when the wife die first? Men certainly don't find it pleasant to lose their wives. What is the scenerio like?

dablessed,
thanks for sharing that part. Could you educate us on the emotional cost? So far, we have concentrated on the wealth. But l suspect that side is nothing compare to other losts. What do we have to say of losing a partner you love so much at early age with children? How do we find the experience and what do you suggest?

almondjoy:

Thanks baby doll.  As for Frankies---lets just say "some things grow stale faster that others---especially small small boys used to climbing grannies"! Just putting my multitalentia into good use for free buffoonery on Narialand--for lack of better things to do with ma spare time, till I escape on vacation.

That comes with a lot of "Xperience"!  My pleasure always! That is why I am on Nairaland--to educate and entertain. Someone like Frankies can never get these kinds of compliments---for that I am grateful that like 7-UP--THE DIFFERENCE IS CLEAR!

Hey, let the music play on! It is the season to be jolly.


Merry Xmas and a Happy New 2008 Y'all!

almondjoy:

As for the in-laws thingy. That is a very foreign concept to me. I am not used to dealing with meddlesome family members. I never heard of that "property" struggle mess in my family---Everyone pretty much minds their own business and maintains a great deal of automy within the indivdual families. Not very communual in living as I can say. I only watched all that jazz in Nigerian movies!

spoilt:

i swear her arch nemesis will surface anytime now .


@nwando
whats up with you guys changing your names all the time? anyway no matter how many times you change your names i can detect the spirit behind each poster!

nwando:

They'll have to swim seven oceans and seven seas to get to God's own country.
And if they do make it,it would be a tussle between the sherrifs and and their German shepherds.

dablessed:

Merry xmas and a beautiful 2008 dearie, Make a wish for the coming year and i promise you it'd come to pass.

dablessed:

To answer your question on "So what about when the wife dies first?

Men certainly don't find it pleasant to lose their wives. What is the scenerio like?", i'd say: read almondjoy's post above surrounding this.



Now, on the emotional cost question, of course you have said it all by saying that the emotional cost  is nothing compared to other costs. Absolutely true!! Being separated from a loved one by death is traumatic. A nightmare it is and better not imagined i promise you, however, if you prefer to exercise your mind and thoughts, then you can begin to imagine what its like to live in hell for only 60 seconds,

Bottom line, its not a palatable experience but with time, it gets better. It is very true that healing comes with time. I can say that i am not where i used to be emotionally, its been 68 months and i get better by the day, i can talk about it nowadays without shedding a tear, i used to find it really hard to talk about him to my 6-year old daughter who was only 10 months old when it happened, but now, we talk about him, see pictures of him, pray for him and answer any questions she asks without any emotional outbursts. I can say that i have moved on in other aspects on my life but would admit that i have been a lill slow relationship wise. Almondjoy did some justice in her previous post and i do agree it is somewhat not easy for women to move on after losing a loved one.

almondjoy:

My wish is that I do not see any grey hair on my body to remind me of old age