Hello all, I want to get peoples opinion on this. This is a lengthy write up to give background picture of the whole situation, so pardon me on the epistle.

I am a married lady working in a bank as a marketer. My branch is in a remote part of Lagos which makes going into town and back to base cumbersome; traffic and all.

Two weeks ago, we went on marketing call to Akute and got home a bit late(8pm). Along the way, we had a robbery scare which I told my hubby about (we dont live in the same town, he's out of the country for now). He got worried naturally and expressed dissatisfaction for being out late.

Thankfully, it was a rare occurance which happens only when we get into town for calls. He went as far as saying that next time we go for such calls and time ticks by, I should leave whoever I went with and take a cab back home.

Last week Wednesday, we had a similar call which unfortunately was worse than the previous. The traffic jam at Ogba was like never experienced before. I got home 11pm. All the while I was in touch with hubby and he was angry this time around which I partly understood. No man wants his wife out so late, but hey, it was never intended.

He said he wanted to speak with my friend by that time of the night. She stays in the same compound. I told him it was late and the girl was sleeping obviously, cos I called her immediately I got home to help with the gate but there was no response. Also, I couldnt make out what my friend has got to do with anything but he wouldn't tell me.

The high point of the situation was when he said he must speak with my friend that night or I should not make the mistake to call him ever again for the rest of his life and he won't make the mistake of picking as well. He actually swore by his parents and said so many other bitter things which was very perplexing for me cos I didnt see that coming. I mean being out all day, traffic, exhaustion and all, it was almost 12am. The only thing I needed was to shower and sleep. He said it was my choice to take either of the option.

For peace to reign, I went out, knocked and woke my friend who was surprised to hear that he wanted to speak with her that late. When I gave her the phone, the convo was centered on trivial subject after which I was given back the phone. The line disconnected and I said goodnite to my friend and went back in.

Hubby called back and said I should go and give the girl the phone again. It was @ that point I snapped and said I wasn't going to go out there again. I told him the only thing I was going to do was take a shower and sleep. Meanwhile, all these while, it was raining and it was 12am.

Since that day to date, we've not spoken. I've called him severally, sent him chats yet no response. I really dont know what to make of this.

@OP I think ur hubby was actually suspecting u of infidelity and I think he just wanted to be sure dat u passed d night in d house hence d insistence on speaking to ur friend dat night.
I think ur hubby is insecure.I pray God touches his heart soon enough so dat he can at least pick up ur calls then u guys can now start discussing wat happened dat night.
Just keep praying.he'll come around

Your husband is being annoying. When he asked to speak to your friend, I thought it was so he could confirm you were actually at home.
Whats the distance between both of you? Can you travel for the weekend and be back for work by monday. I havent had a reason to beg/apologise to my husband for more than a few hours and when I try to chat him up and he still wears a long face, I let him be. Sometimes he drives off and leaves me but as soon as he comes back, we are friends again. Maybe you should let him be, stop disturbing him with chat ups, rather, send him an I love you, i'm crazy about you text early and late at nite and if possible, go visit him.

Thats why I ask the distance. If it were say UK and Nigeria, na big wahala be that o.
I just pray its inter state thing

Thanks for the response so far. The distance is as Odunnu painted which makes it difficult for me to visit for now. I've modified that part in my post

Long distance marriages can be really stressing I tell you.
You must find a way of making him talk to you. He is under stress over there ( having to live single after marriage to a woman he loves) so you have to be cautious with what you say and present. Dont for any reason send an angry mail or shout at him. Just as you need him, he also needs you. And like the other poster mentioned, he maybe insecure

Why do men put their women through hell?

Being a man yourself, you should be able to answer why.

Op,ur hubby s alittle bit insecure..i can understand thou,as my hubby and i av passed 2ru all this b4....just try all u can to make ur marriage work....all the best my dear.

chaircover:

Pot, kettle and David

My question and it will be a thread for a later day is that why do men find it so much easier to keep malice and shut down rather than talk when issues arise?

1. By nature, most men would rather solve a problem on their own than tell you so you can make it worse
2. Most men already know that talking over a problem with his woman might be the precipitation for another argument he will surely not win
3. EGO

By the way, the ops case is made worse by the distance between them. It is very hard to maintain a malicious attitude with a wife whose food you have to eat and who will be lying beside you at night.

Simplechic:
Hubby called back and said I should go and give the girl the phone again. It was @ that point I snapped and said I wasn't going to go out there again. I told him the only thing I was going to do was take a shower and sleep. Meanwhile, all these while, it was raining and it was 12am.

Since that day to date, we've not spoken. I've called him severally, sent him chats yet no response. I really dont know what to make of this.

find another job.
if your hubby is not happy or cannot trust you because of the nature of
your job then you should find another one. personally, i cannot marry a
banker or a marketer.....not all men are comfortable with their wives
travelling at 11pm in the night. it's grossly irresponsible for any married
woman to be putting her life at such risks. a married woman should be at home
tucking the children to bed and reading them bedtime stories.

coogar:

find another job.
if your hubby is not happy or cannot trust you because of the nature of
your job then you should find another one. personally, i cannot marry a
banker or a marketer.....not all men are comfortable with their wives
travelling at 11pm in the night. it's grossly irresponsible for any married
woman to be putting her life at such risks. a married woman should be at home
tucking the children to bed and reading them bedtime stories.

Coogar, the OP lives in Lagos not London. Its hard to imagine what job she will get that will allow her to be home at 5pm.

davidylan:

Coogar, the OP lives in Lagos not London. Its hard to imagine what job she will get that will allow her to be home at 5pm.

teaching?

coogar:

teaching?

and her salary would be what? Just enough to pay for her transport fare?

davidylan:
and her salary would be what? Just enough to pay for her transport fare?

is she better off being a marketer? chasing male clients up and down the city
with majority of those appointments in hotel rooms? fuck her salary!!!
another job like lesson teacher or the city post office should be okay for her. raising
a family is a career on it's own. a wife must be prepared to sacrifice her career to raise
her kids well......as long as the husband brings in the bacon, she should stay at home and
knit!

How do you people manage in Nigeria? Leaving home in the morning and coming home that late? I will quit faster than a speeding bullet . No joke! And I know in Nigeria they don't pay on an hourly basis, there's a fixed salary or have they changed it? I hope they pay you for overtime. I can only say good luck.

Personally no job is that serious for me to be killing myself over, especially when I have a husband that should be doing all that.

coogar:

is she better off being a marketer? chasing male clients up and down the city
with majority of those appointments in hotel rooms? fuck her salary!!!
another job like lesson teacher or the city post office should be okay for her. raising
a family is a career on it's own. a wife must be prepared to sacrifice her career to raise
her kids well......as long as the husband brings in the bacon, she should stay at home and
knit!

how much does her husband send to her? At least i believe its best she maintains her own job and brings home something too. If she took your advice it wont solve her problem... she will be here with another post about how her husband gives her nothing and she regrets quitting her job.

stillwater: How do you people manage in Nigeria? Leaving home in the morning and coming home that late? I will quit faster than a speeding bullet . No joke! And I know in Nigeria they don't pay on an hourly basis, there's a fixed salary or have they changed it? I hope they pay you for overtime. I can only say good luck.

Personally no job is that serious for me to be killing myself over, especially when I have a husband that should be doing all that.

I believe hourly pay is for low-income folks. High paying jobs here in the US are usually fixed salaries so i dont see a problem with fixed salary jobs in Naija. I recently turned down a very nice job because they were going to pay me by the hour... insult of the highest order.

davidylan:
how much does her husband send to her? At least i believe its best she maintains her own job and brings home something too. If she took your advice it wont solve her problem... she will be here with another post about how her husband gives her nothing and she regrets quitting her job.

she should change that marketing job of hers. married women are not
supposed to be doing it. it's almost prostitution in my opinion.

if my wife has to chase up clients at ungodly hours to bring something home, then
i'd rather she sells tom-tom, kolanut and boiled eggs under a cosy shed in my compound.

davidylan:

I believe hourly pay is for low-income folks. High paying jobs here in the US are usually fixed salaries so i dont see a problem with fixed salary jobs in Naija. I recently turned down a very nice job because they were going to pay me by the hour... insult of the highest order.

i like hourly pay jobs...i don't know how it works in the states but those
contract jobs in infotech here are tagged per hour or per day. the pay is
normally quite handsome.

davidylan: Why do men put their women through hell?

Eve started it.

coogar:

teaching?

does it even come easy? I know folks who have been in the job market for donkey years in search of jobs

If she has to keep this job, getting a transfer outside Lagos shouldnt be a bad idea. Its crazy being a bank marketer, crazier being a married woman in a distant relationship and living in Lagos

@OP, how long have you been married ? I ask because I wonder if it's the first time your husband shows he is uncomfortable with your job/being late at night and suspicion... If your marriage is young, it might be one of the first times you guys encounter this problem, in that case, try as much as possible to follow CC's advice, talk to him gently, and don't stop there but start talking with him about any change/adjustment that should be done to your (both of you) lives : maybe thinking of reducing the distance between you, changing job or city etc. These are part of the early adjustments and talks you guys will need to make/have so that you can enjoy your marriage without unnecessary stress.

However, if you've been married for many years, and you've already had this kind of talks/adjustments (ie he's ok with your job and you didn't do anything to make him suspicious), I would advice you gently put your foot down. You guys can't be arguing at the slightest thing and cutting all communications in a long distance relationship is quite immature and risky. What about waking up your friend in the middle of the night ? If he's that insecure, let him come home and stay with you. He needs to understand that his behavior is not helping, long distance marriage is difficult enough without adding pressure to it.

I still blame you though haba! 11pm? If your husband was in the country you know you won't try that rubbish.

I started working in a bank before getting married though not a marketer but in the head office. After I got married and once its 6pm, I carry my bag and baggages to my husband's house, I no fit shout. Due to the traffic and all that I end up getting home by 7.30 or 8pm. You can now imagine if I leave later than that.

Simplechick dear, these are the challenges one go through as a married banker in Lagos but don't let these banks put a strain in your marriage. No matter what you go through for them, they can wake up one day and sack you not minding what you have been through for them. Sacrificing your marriage for any job is not worth it at all.

Long distance marriage is a lot of hard work and things like this shouldn't be getting to you. Some men are insecure and I am sure you would have noticed it in your husband so it is not a case of I didn't know. The best way is to manage him and not trying to proove how insecure he is.

Abeg continue to call him, send him messages to convince him. When you guys get back together, don't ever try this nonsense you did again because if my husband continues coming late, I won't tolerate it especially when it is now a long distance marriage and even after several warnings

All the best dear, God bless your marriage

Cindy, I understand all what you said. As a statement of fact, I can never place anything above my family. Before now, we both agreed and know my time in the sector is limited. So its just a case of holding on pending...

I didnt get home late 'cos I was working. On a very good day if I stay in my branch axis for calls, I get home 6.30pm tops. And if we go for town calls, we get home between 7.30-8.00pm. Unfortunately on this particular day, the traffic was something else hence 11pm lateness.

Simplechic: Cindy, I understand all what you said. As a statement of fact, I can never place anything above my family. Before now, we both agreed and know my time in the sector is limited. So its just a case of holding on pending...

I didnt get home late 'cos I was working. On a very good day if I stay in my branch axis for calls, I get home 6.30pm tops. And if we go for town calls, we get home between 7.30-8.00pm. Unfortunately on this particular day, the traffic was something else hence 11pm lateness.

No problem, just continue begging and calling him. You are still his wife, he loves you and you love him back. He is just angry and when he calms down, you guys will get back together. Calm down, continue praying and hope for the best. This too shall pass. It would become one of those things when you guys look back at it

@Poster,
I feel your pains! Now I remember that Wednesday rain , it actually rained in the early evening but the badly flooded roads made it impossible for people to get back to their homes in good time. Some of my colleagues later told the story of how late it was when they got home If you have tried all the above suggestions and they failed, why don't you get that your friend/neighbour he insisted on speaking with to also send him a mail or call him, chances are he will want to respect her and give her audience. She can corroborate your 'rain' + 'bad traffic' story and placate him on your behalf, and who knows, that might soften him . All the best!

@op if you cherish your marriage,i would advice you quit that marketing job of yours.My neighbours marriage actually crashed 3 weeks ago(they gat 2 little kids). The wife is a marketer in a bank and she gets calls from several male clients as late as 12am in the morning(according to the husband) and the husband wasn't comfortable with all this and has consistently warned the wife and but it grew worse and worse daily and so much quarreling and fighting.Well right now she is back at her parents place and the guy has vowed that till Jesus comes,he is not accepting her back.
so now is the time to choose wisely.All the best.