An interesting piece, enjoy

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http://nigeriaworld.com/columnist/offoaro/112707.html

101 THINGS YOU NEED TO RELOCATE TO NIGERIA

"Don't worry. A sprouting palm frond pointing skywards never makes it to the sky. It soon would relapse to join its mates." - Igbo Proverb

First, the down side of Nigeria. Its economy has predominant characteristics of a third world's. It is No. 35th on Transparency International's rating on the list of the world's most corrupt nations. It used to be No. 1. Thanks to the EFCC and ICPC. NITEL has now completely collapsed. Where NITEL failed, mediocre local independent telephone operators dominated by Indians are carting billions to the banks and their banks in India. NEPA is tottering.

The road networks are in a very, very dilapidated condition. The transportation system in Nigeria is in a big mess. Travel by road in Nigeria has seized to be a thing of joy. By air is expensive and froth with danger of air crash due to the preponderance of molue aircraft in the air. Still, it is expensive. A forty-five-minute flight to Abuja from Lagos costs between twelve and fifteen thousand Naira, ($90-$130) depending on the airline.

Crime is climbing because of joblessness, particularly among young school leavers. Politically motivated pen robbery is still with us. Economically induced robberies are on the rise too. Banks are now robbed in broad day light. You cannot open your favorite daily any morning without reading about a robbery incident here and there. Because it is not an election season, assassinations are on the wane - it looks like.

In spite of all, this is the best time to start thinking of relocating to Nigeria. Nigeria is changing. This is very fast. You begin to notice this at the airports - your first points of entry. The air cooling systems now work most of the time. The conveyor belts work too, most of the times that I have seen. Power systems at the airports fail intermittently but not as they used to do.

The people you meet either at departure lounges or on arrival halls are beginning to imbibe the culture of courtesy. Trolleys, though for hire are now available for the jaded traveler to cart away his luggage. Even the toilets are manned by professionals who say hi to you before use and after. (Some times they hide the tissue papers and make you pay for service.) Inside the airports, touting has been kept at bay. There are banks with ATM machines competing for the business of the Nigerian traveler, at most Nigerian airports now. Modern communications gadgets are on display at every nook and cranny displaying wares, arrival and departure times.

Before you relocate, make sure you have the wherewithal to get back to where you are relocating from - just in case. The reasons are too many. But the first you would notice is how far high on the economic ladder your mates have climbed. And as you know, economic progress has a twin brother climbing the same ladder - social mobility. Your contemporaries have moved and they did so slowly but sure-footedly while you were gone. Your mates dine at the most expensive restaurants and drive the latest model cars - not on credit.

Your mates have bought up properties in the choicest areas of the land. Your mates are to be found in, Wuse II, Asokoro and Maitama areas of Abuja. Your mates have occupied the choicest areas of Lagos, particularly the picturesque sites of Lekki, Victoria Garden City - fancifully called the VGC. Of course, your mates now use their Ikoyi and VI previous homes as offices. It is no more fanciful to say I live in Ikoyi or VI. There are new places of abode in the land - from Kaduna to Port Harcourt and from Enugu to Maiduguri, and your mates have taken them up while you were gone.

If you left over ten to twenty years ago and you are planning to be back, know that you have become unemployable. You have to be self-employed for a long while. Be sure you have enough resources to keep you going through the period it would take you to re-acquaint yourself with your "former" home. Things have really changed - changed for good for those who did not jet out and somehow changed for bad for those of us who took the next plane and left the country.

In Nigeria, your mates in the public and private sectors of the economy, particularly the banking and oil industry, have become highly placed. Most earn the equivalent of between 200,000 and 300,000 dollars a year plus other incentives to wit. There was an advert recently placed in one of the papers for a job opening which warned those not earning twenty million Naira and above, per annum, in their present job not to apply. Most have built their own houses in Nigeria. Most have more than two cars in their drive way. Most live in homes that smack of opulence, with every modern gadget ranging from large sized Plasma TVs to Microwaves.

Most have genuinely saved enough to send their children to some of the best educational institutions over seas, including to the Ivy Leagues. Most are share holders in most of the emerging markets that have been liberalized during the eight boom years (and counting) which we that left, have missed. Most of them have savings in liquid cash that run into tens of millions. Most have invested in the now, very lucrative Nigeria stock market. You would marvel when you have a snippet of what amount of shares your mates now hold. You would shiver in self pity.

If your mates joined politics, they have occupied the choicest of political positions in the land and made new friends that will be hard to dislodge. If you happen to have showed off to them in your hey days of "returning" from America, be rest assured they have not forgotten. They call us mercenaries in politics. It is now their turn to show you, that you can't have it both ways. They have built a barricade and insulated themselves from out side interests - you the returnee being an outside interest that must be dreaded. If you have real or passing interest in politics, you must show it with extreme caution. They would like to invite you to political meetings and discussion only to put you to size.

While not accepting everything they say, when making your presentations, or contributions avoid using phonetics. Avoid such phrases as "if it were in America or Europe." They do not like to hear that. One of them surely will remind you "this is Nigeria" to the embarrassing applause of others, there present. They see Nigeria now as a trophy. They labored for Nigeria while you were gone. They suffered the June 12 crises together while you were gone. They suffered the Abacha era while you were gone. While you were gone, you probably had returned on one or two occasions only to scurry out soon after complaining of incessant heat, erratic power supply and mosquito bites. At the airport, you must have been caught criticizing everything in sight. They have not forgotten your new borrowed accent and the phonetics that do not rhyme.

That you need a shelter to live in Nigeria if you planned relocating to Nigeria is an understatement. There are many ways to do this. It's either that you have managed to build something for yourself in the city you would want to relocate or you could find an affordable apartment. With the kind of money we make overseas from genuine everyday livelihood, it is almost next to impossibility that you could build yourself an abode commensurate to what you are used to. If you find yourself in this position, don't worry, if you endured the pains and worked hard and kept a low profile in order not antagonize your former friends, within five years your will build your self, your dream home.

You need to feed well. This too is an understatement. Avoid going to the supermarkets to get your food - raw, processed or cooked. Buy from the local sellers at the nearest mammy market. Go to the supermarkets and shops to buy the essentials. At the malls, you will find that while you spend a miserable amount to buy your essential needs, Nigerians who are not been tos, buy up anything in site both the ones they need and those they do not need.

This people have so much money. How they make it, you will find out if you endured. Closely related to this is your phone habit. It is very expensive to use the telephones in Nigeria. As you know, telephone calls in the western world are taken for granted. Here, while it's beginning to happen as if it is for granted, it is very, very expensive. To Nigerians who are not used to such freedom of expression, they are spending millions everyday to make phone calls - to satisfy their newly found phone freedom. If you are not mindful, telephone bills may cut into your feeding pattern. If this happens, before long, you will become an object of gossip. You will lose your complexion and weight and they will notice.

You need clothing to cover the body you have labored to nurture while you lived abroad. This also, is an understatement. Nigerians pay too much attention to dressing. Your dress mode can shut the door at you or open the door for you. Avoid casual dressing, particularly when you are going to meet with the Nigerian big man. He knows the stuff you're wearing and could place you based on that. Be simple but neat if need be occasionally be flamboyant. Express yourself. Speak good English, where there is a need, do not use slang such as I wana or I gonna….

Do not lend money. Give out only that which you could afford to lose. Beware of relatives and the extended family system. If you manage to set up a small business, never employ those closely related to you. They will ruin you.

You would need to dry clean. Dry cleaning here is too expensive. You pay as much 300 naira (about $2) to dry clean an inner vest. Think then of what it would cost to do a bunch of laundry. Think seriously of having a washer and a drier installed - wherever you may decide to live.

You must have at least two good cars. That car of yours, which you price so much, is not fashionable in Nigeria. Here some people drive the next year's model before they become common in Europe or the Americas. How they make such money to pay upfront is still the mystery I am struggling to unravel. The roads are so bad and the drivers so ill-trained that if you drove yourself, and not being used to their adversarial/confrontational pattern of driving, your car and you would, in a very short while be a sorry sight. They hit you and beg you. They hit you because you are conscious of driving rules and apply it. They, who do not apply simple driving rules, rule the highway in Nigeria. In a society not used to insurance, and where vehicular laws are not implemented, begging has replaced insurance coverage. Even passer bys would chip in to ask the offending reckless driver to beg you and get on with his life. If they beg you, you must accept. That's your only recourse.

To this end, you must have a good mechanic as a friend. He will introduce to you, a good panel beater (your (n) used car will always need to be panel beaten back to form after constantly being bashed by ill-trained Nigerian road users. Most Nigeria drivers, I hear, buy their drivers license) who will in turn introduce you to a vulcanizer and an auto electrician, here, fancifully called a rewire. You need a vulcanizer because the roads are bad. Flat tires occur very often here than usual. Of all the auto-related experts you will work with, the rewire should be the one you must dread. He is not well trained in the operation of modern day computer induced auto cars. His method of rewiring has set many late model computerized cars ablaze.
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There is mixture of both the truth and lies in your writeup. Nevertheless, what is your own view on the topic you posted?

mrpataki:

There is mixture of both the truth and lies in your writeup. Nevertheless, what is your own view on the topic you posted?

Do you know that it is possible for one to read up something on this forum and not post a reply if the reply does not make sense?

What's your business with my views on anything for that matter? Yours don't matter and I implore you to do the same thing. Stick to the content.

my God! you got it right, you left no stone unturned but why criticizing Nigeria like ths? Remember is ur father's land oh

Personally as long as people restrict their opinions and views on facts I have no problem with such comments.

Issues based on facts are easy to tackle because you will correctly appreciate the real problems and proceed to solve them rather than focusing on problems that do not exist in the first place.

Nigeria is on the match to greatness and this is a reality.

Is Afam the same as Emeka Offoaro? If not, the questions posted by respondents are wrongly directed. Emeka Offoaro wrote this on Nigeriaworld and not Afam

It is true a lot of ones mates have climbed the social ladder. But making an equivalent of $200,000-$300,000 in Nigeria is far fetched. They do well by Nigerian standard, but not by that much. A lot of us out here, also make six-figure incomes and live in far better housing with all the bells and wistles.

Notwithstanding, it would be nice to relocate to Nigeria with our fortunes intact.

The custom officers at the ports of entry, are the first thieves one has to be weary of. The will invent all kinds of manuevers to part you with your goods and money.

What about jealous neighbors or even friends who will play a good game of 419 on you as a JJC, to make sure your money parts company with you.

The armed robbers also live nearby and are watching you. You be sur to get a visit in the very near future.
The police on the streets, look at you as a cash cow to be milked dry. They will invent laws to corner you and confiscate your hard earned money. Prooving to you that it is illegal for you to repartrate your money, it now legally belongs to them!

The family, especially the extended ones, come from all nook and cranny to tell you what has been ailing them for centuries, which has been waiting for you to pay for doctors' fees.
They will swear they have not eaten or paid rent in ten years. The air in Nigeria, as polluted as it is, has been sustaining them for the years.
It goes on and on, the separation of you and your money becomes a daily ritual and war fought on all fronts.

If you can weather all these, and with the grace of God, Nigeria is the sweetest place to be on earth.

Welcome Home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Afam that was a nice adaptation, though I think the writer was having fun writing those things. They are real and funny also. But Afam it seems you have so many enemies in the forum.

To Bankole, I honestly do not doubt that some of the folks out there make six figures, but we must agree that it is a lot of money. Moreso, those views on affluent Nigerians are real oooooooo! DON'T FORGET THAT THE WRITTER SAID HE IS STILL AT LOST ON HOW THEY MAKE IT.

Truequest:

To Afam that was a nice adaptation, though I think the writer was having fun writing those things. They are real and funny also. But Afam it seems you have so many enemies in the forum.

I don't have enemies on this forum.

However, there are two classes of people that may want to see themselves as enemies anyway.

1. People that claim to know what they don't and when you prove them wrong they resort to abuses and insults,

2. People that insult other people whenever they disagree with them, in my case I usually respond in kind and it has been working like magic.

Don't forget that, you will have to supply your own power, take care of your sewer, find a way to make water available to you. You might also need a full staff of policemen to follow you around and protect your house as well. Oh, one more thing, be prepared to send your children to schools that charge ridiculous amount of money for education, while asking for some unnecessary requirements, in order to enrol your kids in school.

We can keep lying to ourselves, and the people in Nigeria can also lie to themselves, and think they are living a good life. Pray tell, how many of the folks that reside in VGC really worked for their money? How many of them schooled abroad? Or aint their fathers the ones that stole all the money meant for the rest of the people in Nigeria?

Yes, relocate to Nigeria, buy the most expensive cars, because you need something expensive to make you feel good. Live in ginomous houses, that look like a hotel, just because bigger means better to you. Do all that, but remember, you are just 1% of the population of the country. The country is still terrible, no matter how much houses or expensive cars in VGC.

  In Nigeria, your mates in the public and private sectors of the economy, particularly the banking and oil industry, have become highly placed. Most earn the equivalent of between 200,000 and 300,000 dollars a year plus other incentives to wit. There was an advert recently placed in one of the papers for a job opening which warned those not earning twenty million Naira and above, per annum, in their present job not to apply. Most have built their own houses in Nigeria. Most have more than two cars in their drive way. Most live in homes that smack of opulence, with every modern gadget ranging from large sized Plasma TVs to Microwaves.

Most have genuinely saved enough to send their children to some of the best educational institutions over seas, including to the Ivy Leagues. Most are share holders in most of the emerging markets that have been liberalized during the eight boom years (and counting) which we that left, have missed. Most of them have savings in liquid cash that run into tens of millions. Most have invested in the now, very lucrative Nigeria stock market. You would marvel when you have a snippet of what amount of shares your mates now hold. You would shiver in self pity.

This statement is not true the percentage of nigerians that make up to 200,000 and 300,000 dollars constitute less than 2 percent of the total population so i don't know who the writer is trying to delude here or what sign of progess that represents, those working in the oil sector in nigeria have always been earning very good salaries.

About the advert placed in one of the papers for a job opening which warned those not earning twenty million Naira and above, per annum, in their present job not to apply means nothing because those that earn such amount constitute less than 4 percent of the entire labour force in nigeria, the issue of one's mates owning houses in lush areas in abuja and lagos are still lies because as we all know over 75 percent of the houses in the lush areas in abuja are owned by the selfish politicians and the top government functionaries not the average public and private workers. when such properties are owned by the people in the private sectors its usually the CEO/MD's that own them.

And about those that send their children to school abroad including ivy league university i will like to say that that claim too is bogus and does not represent the truth, most of the people that school abroad especially in the ivy leauge schools are the children of the highly placed in the society not the children of the average working class, the avarage worker in nigeria is still poor by the UN standard so i don't know who the writer is trying to impress with his bogus claims. I don't want to sound like a pessimist but when we keep lying to ourselves about issues we are'nt really helping our selves, nigeria is moving forward no doubt but the word 'most' used by the writer is not what he was supposed to use because he made it look as if things have changed a 100 folds and most working people are living in affuluence which is not true. Progress is being made but its is very very slow and i hope we get there some day.

What we need is a change in orientation and the right infastuructures once that is in place every other thing will fall in place and we shall experience a very rapid transformation cos the rate at with we are moving is really very slow.

@Afam @Ndipe, Thoughtful and Bogus. I thought that piece was written by Ndipe! How come you both post the same topic. I smell pussy,

As a young Nigerian that had the chance to migrate and took the chance,Will one day be proud to go back home. I cannot tell you that i will be better off in Nigeria or else where.From my background migration was almost inevitable,because me was born with a broken spoon.I had friends who where far better of in Nigeria but they live Abroad. I knew some people just left Nigeria cause it was like a trend then,but for me it was a reality. There is nothing wrong with migration.

Developed nations today has a rich migration story up there sleeves, there success which can be mostly traced to exploration(migration). Quest for knowledge, power,properties,wealth ,better life has always led to migration. A handful citizens of the First world migrate and there is less discussion of coming back home.In The Netherlands a record of 121,000 Dutch citizens migrated last year and Just after the second world war a staggering amount of people left the Netherland for Canada and Australia mostly in search of a better life. Nigeria was not favourable to me and so i left but people like the Komolafe's baffles me what they doing outside the country,maybe they are in search of knowledge(education)

Migration has always been a thing of our ancestors. The greatest source of modern day technology and breakthroughs started mainly from migration. The theory that life started in Afrika would have been wrong then. What will you call those explorers that sailed the world? What where they in search of? Most where in search of wealth and knowledge and while most of this trips where been financed by the states and wealthy individuals with  intent of making profits in the newly found land. There exploration led to the first global trade and VOC(first world multinational) that was established cause the Portuguese could not meet up with world demand for goods. this lead to the creation of the VOC and also  lead to the Dutch golden age 15th-17th century,in which the Dutch trade,art,science and military power was in top position in the world,   They crused the English both home and on sea.

As i've come to understand the Dutch society filled with his riches but so little in geographical terms,made fortune from migration and exploration.
Why is there always a hatred for Nigerians that migrated? I ask and I deserve answers. People migrate and never return to there fathers land and I see no wrong in that. That mentality of returning home must go. Even in Africa and south America you have Indian's and Chineese of third generations leaving there, We drove migrants away after independent with instability and war. We don’t need to compare Nigerians back home with Nigerians in Diaspora. I have friends who have finished there Uni but I am yet am still at school working and studying at the same time. Use to know a girl from Nigeria that lives and study here and the dad is an Ambassador here in Europe,which country I will not mention. Home and away she has it all, Asper Nigerians we like bogus life just to oppress the unfortunate ownes.

I was in Nigeria a month ago and I stayed very close to VGC. I always there for a walk and sometimes just for browsing on the net. In fact I was impressed with standard of life that some people where living. Big houses,flashy cars and you see them clutching two or more mobile phones. Been to the Palm malls(shoprite)? That the happening place in Lagos, filled with rich people with lots of money to spend. Ikota shopping complex just next to VGC is a sweet shopping environment for people withs lots of money to spend. The standard of life in Nigeria is improving. A few percentage are living the life………If had such a life in Nigeria I will return tomorrow….Dream on. Lots of Chinese there doing contruction works….Nigeria is truly changing but for a very few. Individuals has achieved a lot while the Government is yet to start.

I stayed in a very remote area of Ajah and I loved it. It was very safe and easy to assess. I enjoyed my stay it felt so nice to be with my family…I learnt driving there and to my  surprise I was contending with lagosians as if I never left,had some crashes and scratches here and there. I also lost both side mirrors of my benz. I miss driving in Nigeria.

I have plans of getting a landed property for my family and also a place to call my own. I’ve chosen to settle down here and have a family in Holland. With my pension I will like to retire back in Nigeria or Monaco crushing around in luxury cars and enjoying the fruit of my hardwork. Hardwork pays my brother. chances to climb up the leather in Nigeria is very narrow and Education is the main back back to success there and for those who have Godfathers as uncle will do well. I have learnt a lot from travelling more than my years at school,  People back home need to be enlightend more enlightened of life. I hope someday that travelling will not be a trend anymore but as a way out.

Abuja was nice and I really enjoyed it. I stayed at Utako for a month. Abuja is the place to be but still lakes that thing that makes Lagos thick. Landed properties there are very expensive and rents are to high. I stayed in the best part of Utako and it was very safe. I visited nearly  all the pubs there and had some nice spiced suya at AP plaza. When next you are in Abuja please patronise them….VIVA NIGERIA

Abedisi:

@Afam @Ndipe, Thoughtful and Bogus. I thought that piece was written by Ndipe! How come you both post the same topic. I smell pussy,

So do i,and i think Afam is the pussy for biting an article written by Emeka Offoaro and previously posted by Npide.

I never claimed to be the author of the treatise that I had culled from www.Nigeriaworld.com. As a matter of fact, I posted the link that indicated that I had culled it from another website.

Here it is.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-97061.0.html

Abedisi:

@Afam @Ndipe, Thoughtful and Bogus. I thought that piece was written by Ndipe! How come you both post the same topic. I smell pussy,

On a forum like this the easiest way to figure out a thread is the title and I cannot remember seeing any thread with the title of this thread.

The source of the article was clearly stated. And the title of the original piece was even used as the title of the thread.

And I don't open every single thread even on this politics section. I only read threads with titles that interest me.

na.com:

So do i,and i think Afam is the pussy for biting an article written by Emeka Offoaro and previously posted by Npide.

Could you please tell your father the same thing when next you set eyes on him? Thank you.

mazaje:

About the advert placed in one of the papers for a job opening which warned those not earning twenty million Naira and above, per annum, in their present job not to apply means nothing because those that earn such amount constitute less than 4 percent of the entire labour force in nigeria, the issue of one's mates owning houses in lush areas in abuja and lagos are still lies because as we all know over 75 percent of the houses in the lush areas in abuja are owned by the selfish politicians and the top government functionaries not the average public and private workers. when such properties are owned by the people in the private sectors its usually the CEO/MD's that own them.

El Rufai once stated that about 70% of Abuja was owned by the Igbos. Not sure we have a lot of Igbos as top politicians in Nigeria so your statement that 75% of the houses in the lush areas in Abuja are owned by the selfish politicians and top government functionaries not the average public and private workers.

Hmmnnn

You forget that there are some people abroad who have jobs that any company (particularly the banks) would be ecstatic that they hired that person, plus you forget that there are so many people in the diaspora who intentionally work for multinational companies abroad and when they are ready to come back home, they simply take a transfer.

And there are so many people abroad who already have homes in the best places in Nigeria.

The things that one can't bring when relocating are the roads, the electricity, quality and security of life and property and maybe integrity that most of us Nigerians lost in our teens.