Please Help! I Need Your Advise - Family - Nairaland
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About To Divorce Him, Please I Need Your Advise / I Need Your Advise (2) (3) (4)
| Please Help! I Need Your Advise by hsert(f): 3:07pm On Jul 12, 2012 |
Hello nairalanders, I have thought of whom to talk to but decided to come to this forum to pour out my mind. I have been married for almost 4 years to a man I dated way back in school. He was my first love. We love each other dearly even till this monemt and we have a daughter. I have a very good job with a fantastic pay but he isn't academically sound so he opted for doing his own business since. Money was not really coming forth from his end but I was always there to support him financially. I ensure he dosent lack anything and I also ensure I provide everything for our daughter. I had to collect loan from the office to settle his debts, pay the rent, and settle other bills which he has not been really financially capable to handle. This has continued but recently, I found out this has made me neglect the needs of my immediate family(i.e, my brothers, mum and dad). He is always borrowing money from me to invest in one business or the other which has not yielded any meaningful result. Though I know he is very hardworking and he appreciates all I do but the burden is getting way tooooooooo much for me. I perform my duties a wife and helper and he dosent complain at all. Recently, the landlord has been disturbing him for our rent and he was begging me to get loan from the bank to enable us pay meanwhile, I still have other loans I'm servicing. I got so frstrated that I almost had an accident because of thinking. My problem again is this has affected him so much that he dosent satisfy my sexually again. He woud tell me he dosent feel proud as a man as a result of not meeting up his responsibilites as a father and husband. All this is affecting me and I am getting frustrated. He is saying we should have another baby since our daughter is old enough but I am not considering that because I'm scared. I dont know if I can continue this way and I am frustrated already and feel like running away. Please advise me. What do I do? Advice from those who have been in my shoes would be welcomed; how did you handle it? Thanks in anticipation |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by Nobody: 3:26pm On Jul 12, 2012 |
OP One of the problem I see is the fact that you believe the rent is Only HIS problem, and not both of you. No wonder this guy has lost his se.xual appetite! |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by 2mch(m): 3:48pm On Jul 12, 2012 |
Well you are the more educated of the two, and education should have told you taking loans more than money coming in is a very bad thing. You should have refused the moment you sensed that these loans will not be payable. As things are now you must decide what to do. You have to cut your coat according to your size and live within your means. Focus on businesses that make sense and not unachievable dreams. Move out of the house to a cheaper place you can afford without borrowing to rent. Then refuse to take any more loans and advice the guy to get a job if he wants to raise any more money. All these loans are on your head, should he for any reason decide to run you will be left holding the bag.  . Forget having another kid at this time. Your husband does not have his priorities right and is a dreamer.  2 Likes |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by feminineA: 3:59pm On Jul 12, 2012 |
Have never been a fan of loan coz I believe so much in living on ur income. And loans can be very frustrating when it comes to its repayment and servicing. Now is the time for you to be intrested in your husband business with the success of the business as a paramount reason for intrest. Don't let him see you as choking him or interfering in business. Be wise about it. You can still manage ur home with your little income and still be fulfilling your responsibility to your parent. Avoid too much loan. Encourage your hubby business can be funny within a year there can be turn around but he too needs to be prudent that's why you need to know what's going on in the business, sex sex sex. If you really want to enjoy sex with your hubby during this period then you need to let go of all your problems when having sex with him and your hubby to do likewise coz we get easily turn off when problems mounts pressure on us |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by Nobody: 5:34pm On Jul 12, 2012 |
3 Likes |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by Nobody: 6:44pm On Jul 12, 2012 |
hsert: Hello nairalanders, OP, Please I do not mean to pry,but what kind of business does he do that keeps losing money,to the extent you are in all kinds of debts?Please if you answer try and be sincere so that you can receive genuine advise. |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by ifyalways(f): 11:46pm On Jul 12, 2012 |
^yeah,good question. @ OP, what type of business has he been doing?supporting by giving cash is not enough, you have to know atleast the basics of the business he is investing on. Sit him down and discuss about his business;what has he been doing, why are there no profits, does he need to discard the current business and try something else, would paid employment be a better option now etc? Please say no to loans and baby making for now. |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by braveheart2012(m): 1:26am On Jul 13, 2012 |
My heart goes out to you. This isn't an easy situation for a young couple. The problem here isn't really about money; it's about prudence and financial responsibility. Thankfully, there are easy solutions to your problems. Here are my suggestions: 1) NO MORE LOANS, please: Nothing is worse than taking out loans to invest in failed businesses! If you continue at this rate, you and your husband will ruin yourselves financially. Worse still, these loans are in your name and as the sole breadwinner, you're jeopardizing your daughter's future by taking out loans that you have to pay back with your salary. You have to be REALLY firm on this issue. Your husband can no longer continue to expect you to keep taking out loans to finance every business idea that pops into his head. Please stop taking out loans right away and start working towards paying off the loans you have already taken out. 2) NO MORE BUSINESSES: I hate to have to say this, but I must. No matter what he tells you, your husband is not a great business man! Why? The proof is in the pudding! All the prior businesses have failed! Like Chaircover said, now is the time to consider other alternatives. Go back and read Chaircover's advice carefully and take this to heart. It's better he go find a job or a skilled trade to do and start making some small money (even if it means taking a lowly job like being a driver). Taking out more loans to fund another business will only push your family closer to financial disaster. 3) START SAVING, asap: I am guessing that you work for a bank and that's why you have access to these loans. Banking jobs are notoriously unstable. What if you get retrenched tomorrow? As the sole breadwinner of your family, you need to start saving for yourself so you have something to fall back-on if your lose your bank job. After building a decent nest-egg, you need to start building your own place, even if it is in an undesirable part of town. It is better to live in your own house in Ajah than to live in an apartment you can't afford in Lekki. PS - I am also very curious about what types of businesses your husband has been investing in. Is it buying and selling? If yes, did he spend his capital or is he stuck with unsellable inventory? We might be able to give better advice if we know exactly what type of businesses have gulped all the loans you took out. 1 Like |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by hsert(f): 10:45am On Jul 13, 2012 |
Oh, thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate. He is into various businesses like buying and selling, transport business(i.e, logistics)and general supplies. I work in an oil and gas as the HR Manager and that is why I have access to loans both from the office and the banks. This problem particularly has not encouraged me to save because he is in need of money for something or the other. Last night, it was argument all through and he couldnt really give me a way forward to our problems. Though he is very hardworking but his efforts do not yield any meaningful result. I'm just so so frustrated right now but I try to make myself happy.Right now, he is in a lot of mess that he is begging me to get a loan to pay up his debts and the rent while he would refund me later. I have been a very good and supportive wife to him but with the way it is now, I'm gradualy getting tired of the marriage. I have this strong feeling that my love for him is beginning to diminish because he cant meet a quarter of his responsibilities.But be keep assuring and re-assuring me that all would be well with time; but for how long can I hang on? May God help me! |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by horny4u(f): 11:44am On Jul 13, 2012 |
hsert: Oh, thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate. Hardworking doing what? ? ? One can be "hardworkingly" pouring water into a sieve....the sheer amount of fetching the water and then racing to the sieve can break out sweat. Encourage your husband to stop all business ...business is about knowledge not muscle...he needs to go into the field he hopes to grow a business in and take up any job there....no job is lowly as he can then build his way up and learn. If you keep on like this .....you will age so fast.....left to me he will look for the rent...if you cannot pay the rent move in with your parents till he gets a place of his own then move in as a wife even if it is face me as face you. Madam the only person that can run is your hubby ...he is the one who does not have a loan on his neck and you know the woman owns the child....if you give birth to another child ....your landlord will think you are messsing with him. ( If it is natural for the woman to pay the rent your hubby will not say he feels less a man) sometimes we donot even know we have wings until we are forced to fly. Your husband has capacity, capability and strength for success but you are cushioning him so stopping him from flying...let him carry his family...it is not your responsibility ...no wonder he does not feel like a man but can still encourage you to borrow more and born more.....be wise and know how deep you can go. Forget lifestyle for now and let your husband lead ...women are natural managers but we manage what a man brings not lead a man. Do you know the story of the caterpillar that was helped from struggling and never became a butterfly. You will not sit for your daughter's exam to ensure she passes...you will only encourage her.... Be wise ....encourage your husband ...donot sit for his exams for him 1 Like |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by 2mch(m): 1:52pm On Jul 13, 2012 |
Look, no need to continue arguing with him. Simply tell his because you love him you tried to get the loan, but they looked at your income and your past loans already and the cooperative and the bank refused to give it to you because of the risk that you can't pay back. He's not learned and does not really understand how loans work. If you don't do this he will blame you for all his failures in life. Never take another loan. Am sure he can borrow from friends and family by himself, or put his so called business on the line for a loan. 1 Like |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by maclatunji: 3:42pm On Jul 13, 2012 |
hsert: Oh, thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate. Don't let Economics break your marriage. What you can do is to identify a business that you can grow at a slow and steady rate. Put your foot down that your account is in the red and you cannot continue to finance his "white elephant projects" (don't call it that O). Gently nudge him into managing the new small business and use your contacts to drive business his way discreetly. If you can afford the house rent, support him there with loans. You can put it in writing to secure your claims. If you are buying assets, buy them in your name but encourage him to "buy them from you" if he wants to claim "the man" in that regard. Emotionally, you can just try and stay calm and let him know that you love him but he has to change and that you're ready to support him all the way. I see love in your posts, just be calm and pragmatic, good luck. |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by braveheart2012(m): 5:12pm On Jul 13, 2012 |
hsert: Oh, thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate. Thanks for coming back with a reply. You response confirmed my worst fears. Your husband has still not sobered-up to face reality; he will ruin you financially if you continue to take out loans to fund his business. Here a few more thoughts: 1) BUSINESS: Your husband is definitely NOT a good business man. You know why? None of the businesses you have described are particularly high-risk. These are pretty straight-forward businesses that require good management and good salesmanship. How do you run a logistics business to the ground? Did the vehicles involved crash or did somebody steal them? If the vehicles are still lying around, have you tried selling them to pay-off some of the bank loans? What about the unsold inventory from the buying and selling business and the supplies business? Did he try to liquidate these at a discount to at least reduce the bank balance? I strongly suspect that he has been making no money and then spending his capital. No more businesses for him! He needs to go and find a job! 2) LOANS: Your husband is very unlikely to pay back your money, not because he is a bad man but because of just how business works. Any new business he decides to open now will gulp more capital and will take a while to turn profits. By the time these profits come, there will be more pressing needs to use those profits for like future rent, growing the business or even some grandparent's burial in the village. It's just how these things tend to work. The sooner you realize that these loans are yours and yours alone to pay-off, the sooner you will realize that you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT take out any more loans to fund his businesses! He didn't marry you so that you can become his ATM! If he needs more money, let him go ask his own family and friends. 3) RENT: The rent situation is really tricky and you're going to have to approach it with wisdom. First, I think your family can't afford the place you currently live in. If your husband can't come up with rent money, please don't take-out a loan to pay for a house you can't afford on your own salary alone. Please take time to do the math. Imagine you were a single mother with one child by yourself. Forget about image or "reputation". Now, given this hypothetical situation, how much would you be able to comfortably afford in rent and still have enough to pay other household bills and save money? If you can't come-up with immediate cash for the new place, listen to Horny4u and move to your parent's place temporarily. Please, no more bank loans to pay rent please! It's just a foolish financial move because of the significant interest that loan will incurr. 4) ARGUMENTS: Arguments are not going to accomplish anything. Think through your options thoroughly. Make up your mind and then lovingly let your husband know what you have decided. Arguing will only weaken your marriage even further and make your husband feel even less adequate. You can stand firm in your decision not to take out anymore loans without arguing and bickering. Please, I know you love your husband and he loves you. In all of this, stay a humble, loving, supportive wife. Let your husband know that you're there for him always, but that you just can't take out anymore loans and that you're becoming truly scared of the family's financial future. Overall, please I am begging you madam, NO MORE LOANS!!!! It isn't free money and you have to pay them all back at very high interest. 1 Like |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by hsert(f): 10:45pm On Jul 13, 2012 |
@ Braveheart2012, thank you very much. I appreciate your responnse in this regard. The worst is that he can't even go to any family for financial assistance because the dad is late and the mothe® is a struggling widow who even requires care. May God just help me in this situation |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by horny4u(f): 11:39pm On Jul 13, 2012 |
hsert: @ Braveheart2012, thank you very much. I appreciate your responnse in this regard. The worst is that he can't even go to any family for financial assistance because the dad is late and the mothe® is a struggling widow who even requires care. May God just help me in this situation May God forbid! but madam if You are not his Creator !!! You need to let him fight his battles ...he himself does not know how much power he has within him.....fire is good for steel ....I may sound wicked but hunger leads to pursue of food.....and the more he meets his goals the better a hubby he will be for you and father for your kids....He will be happy too. |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by nikkygal(f): 8:41am On Jul 14, 2012 |
I fully agree with Braveheart & horny4u's posts here. @OP, I feel for you and am sure it must really be a trying period for you right now. You will be surprised that there are lots of women who are also in the same shoes as you are. . . . With respect to women who earn very well & the hubby's business demands are putting a lot of pressure on the household finances. I know quite a number of my colleagues who are always 'broke' just because of this & can't even help their own parents & siblings & keep taking bank loans etc. From you story, it appears your rent is high and above your means at the moment, so it's advisable you guys move to a less expensive apartment soon. Also,run a very tight budget in the home - no luxuries for now, attend to the basics for the home, your daughter & save aggressively! You need to have a rainy day fund! Gently teach your man how to be financially responsible by not indulging his monetary needs everytime. He should go out, learn, hustle & bring home the bacon....Make him understand that these austerity measures is in the interest of everyone and by the time he notices a change in the home spending pattern, he will have a re-think. I wish you the very best! Please suspend making another baby for now till you've sorted out these issues . . . 1 Like |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by denip: 8:53am On Jul 14, 2012 |
U̶̲̥̅̊ shud advise him on any buisness venture he wants 2 embark upon. Try n do a feasibility study on any biz he wants 2 do. Weigh d pros n cons.make him c reasons abt nt collectin anoda loan. Also try encouraging him n what he wants 2 do Got dis frm somwhere. It might be of help. A Guy who has no job got married to a banker, despite his fears and several advices that it's not good to marry without a job. Every month the girl would give the guy her full salary of N135k after removing her tithe. The guy would give the wife N20k for personal upkeep and the guy determined what happened to the remaining money. This happened for three good years. There was happiness in the family and the wife never refused to do her primary home duties for that 3 years, despite wrong advice from friends that 'you can't be paying the bills and still be doing all the work'. There was a particular month the guy used about N70,000 to travel from state to state for different interviews. He finally got a job with a good firm in Port-Harcourt. His salary was N600,000 monthly for a start. He bought his first car (a brand new) for N4.5m, he gave d wife the car key, and continued to take public transport to work for about two years. Then he bought the second car for N6 million. Then he took the keys of the first car and gave his wife the keys of the second car. They were very happy. They eventually moved into their own house after some few years. One day, the wife was looking for some documents. Then she stumbled on a file neatly hidden, when she opened it, she saw her wedding picture when she was very slim in the first page of the file. She then saw that the document to the purchase of the land and every other thing in the house were all written in her name! At the last page was the husband's wedding picture and a note written by him: ''MY WIFE IS ALL I HAVE GOT. NOT EVEN THIS HOUSE WORTH N24M AT THE TIME I BUILT IT IS MINE''. This couple got married in 1998. Last Sunday was their wedding anniversary with two children a boy and a girl. True LOVE still exists till this day |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by Nobody: 12:14pm On Jul 14, 2012 |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by braveheart2012(m): 4:11pm On Jul 14, 2012 |
denip: U̶̲̥̅̊ shud advise him on any buisness venture he wants 2 embark upon. Try n do a feasibility study on any biz he wants 2 do. Weigh d pros n cons.make him c reasons abt nt collectin anoda loan. Also try encouraging him n what he wants 2 do What a manipulative story! This story annoys the heck out of me because I know for each story like this, there are ten stories of husbands who enslave their wives and spend their salaries on concubines! Besides, I don't even understand what the story has to do with the OP's situation. Giving your salary to a husband that's job-hunting is different from taking out loans to fund a string of failed businesses. If he spends all your salary today, you still have tomorrow's salary to look forward to. A loan is a totally different animal because you're effectively spending tomorrow's income today. If that loan goes bad, you'll be paying it back far into the future. |
| Re: Please Help! I Need Your Advise by mo2raur(f): 8:41pm On Jul 14, 2012 |
@ Poster: Pray against d spirit of emptiers n wasters against ur resources. Are u observant enough? Hope all d money given to him r nt been devertd to some tin else u never can tell. Open ur eyes well so that u can see what is hapenin. Stop complainin 4 now n b watchful, his actions and the rest. God wil c u thru. |
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