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njuwo:
I ran into a mosque carrying a brand new cutlass and asked, "Who is a Muslim here?" The whole mosque went as silent as a grave yard. I asked again, "How can a full mosque have no Muslim?". No one replied. Then I grabbed the nearby young man and went out with him and told him, "Come and help me kill my cow because I don't know how to do it". After the young man had killed the cow, he told me that he didn't know how to skin it and that I should go back to the mosque and get someone else to help me do that. I returned to the mosque with the cutlass dripping with blood. When the Imam saw me in the mosque with blood dripping from my cutlass, he immediately shouted, "My Brothers in Christ, praise thy Lord o!". The whole mosque responded, "Halleluyah!!!!!.

critism of religion

Wife: Darling, give me your phone for a second. Husband: Wait, let me switch it on. Delete video. Delete picture. Delete music. Delete private folder Delete number. Delete sms. Delete out going calls. Delete incoming calls. Delete mms. Delete whatsapp. Delete bbm. Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete FORMAT Memory Card. Husband: Here you go honey, i have nothing to hide from you. Wife: I just want to check the time. Husband: Oh my God!

I was coming home saturday
evening
after a hectic day and found a
small bag on
the ground. I opened it and behold
what I
found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear
first
catch me, but I took the bag home
and
when ...I emptied It, I found some
Documents, ID card, ATM card and
an Iphone.
I thought about
throwing the sim away and keep
the phone
and also dispose the documents
and keep
the money. After a long thought, I
decided to
leave things as they were, hoping
that the
owner would call.
Not long after a call came through
on the
Iphone, I picked and talked with
the caller.
Apparently it was the owner of the
bag coz
he named absolutely every content
of the
bag. We met afterwards and i
handed him
the bag. he offered me $2,000
dollars but I
turned it down , he collected my
number
and
i left.
Yesterday he called me and
offered me a
job
at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira:
per month,
a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished,
and a 2012
BMW X6
As I was smiling and testing the
car my brother just slapped me
and said
"Oya Oya Oya Ofego Wake up!!
Food is ready!"

I was coming home saturday evening after a hectic day and found a small bag on the ground. I opened it and behold what I found inside; $20,000 dollars!! Fear first catch me, but I took the bag home and when ...I emptied It, I found some Documents, ID card, ATM card and an Iphone. I thought about throwing the sim away and keep the phone and also dispose the documents and keep the money. After a long thought, I decided to leave things as they were, hoping that the owner would call. Not long after a call came through on the Iphone, I picked and talked with the caller. Apparently it was the owner of the bag coz he named absolutely every content of the bag. We met afterwards and i handed him the bag. he offered me $2,000 dollars but I turned it down , he collected my number and i left. Yesterday he called me and offered me a job at Chevron worth 750,000 Naira: per month, a 3 bedroom flat fully furnished, and a 2012 BMW X6 As I was smiling and testing the car my brother just slapped me and said "Oya Oya Oya Ofego Wake up!! Food is ready!"
-:[

comprehend me this is what you cannot do

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy."You see, I knew my wife was cheating onme, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic,and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the firstman "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Husband comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to his Bedroom. From under the blanket he sees four legs instead of two. He reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as he can. Once he's done, he goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As he enters, he sees his wife there, reading a magazine."Hi Darling", she says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said Hello ?

light is the fastest thing in our universe

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,And was a real miser when it came to hismoney.Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Iwant to take my money to the afterlife with me. 'And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.Well, he died.He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,'Wait just a moment!'She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.So her friend said,'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'The loyal wife replied,'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?''I sure did,' said the wife.'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque,If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Sunday is a name created for the sun

Parrot swallowed viagra. Disgusted owner put it in the freezer 2 cool off. Later,owner opened freezer n found parrot sweating profusely-He asked,"How come you are sweating?" Parrot replied "Do you know how fucking hard it is 2 open d legs of a frozen chicken?! "

A 9ja boy in Europe called his mum & told her dat he just contacted HIV-AIDS. His mother knelt down & started begging him not to ever come back home, He simply asked why & his mum said, if you come back, ur wife go get HIV too, she go pass am to John, your younger broda. If John get am, dat means our house girl don get am, she self go pass am to ur papa, this means I go get am too. As I get am so, our driverdon get, n thru Mike our driver, ur sister don get am.

A Crowd Gathered At An Accident Scene And A Smart And Nosey Journalist Wanted To Get D Story First Hand."Make Way, I Am D Victim's Son" He Shouted, Slowly D Crowd Paved Way For Him, On Getting There,Lying Lifeless,In Front Of D Car Was A Goat

Akpan was sent to deliver a live chicken in Lagos. On his way a careless okada made him to fall off d bike. The chicken immediately ran off. When Akpan saw the chicken running away, he started laughing. And when asked why he was laughing, he said "see this Mumu chicken , where does she know in Lagos when the address is with me?

A group of whitemen visited a very typical 9ja village and saw the villagers packing bricks.what fascinated the whitemen was the long distance the villagers covered from where they carried the bricks to the packing site andthe fact that, each man carried a brick on his head.the whitemen sympathised with the villagers and introduced a wheelbarrow to the village and left the village. . .the whitemen returned to the village in a months time and realised the work rate of packing the bricks had slowed!"even with a wheelbarrow?" one whiteman thought. . .The whitemen eventually understood why the work had slowed when they sawan on-coming wheelbarrow with one man pushing it with another man carrying a brick seated in the wheelbarrow!

A Blond comes home early one day and finds her husband in bed with another woman. She tiptoes downstairs, finds hispistol, and returns to the bedroom door.Her husband, who is still at it, looks up to she her pointing the pistol at her own head. He shouts "don't do it baby" to which she replies, "shut up, you bastard!You're next!".

I just got this from a friend! He said his Landlord summoned an emergency meeting yesterday.Agenda: 50% increase in rent.For what? Relief to Haiti earthquake victims!Question: when did Lagos landlords become good samaritans

A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel ofbeer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, "It's my firstwife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!"The Hausa man thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my backbefore whipping." This wasdone but the pillow lasted 10 lashes.The Ibo man saw this and said: "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.The Yoruba Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "Asyou share the sameethnicity with the president of your country, you are permitted to have two wishes!"The Yoruba Man thought for a second, then said: "Thank you, most royal and merciful highness. My first wish is to receive 100 lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available." "If you so desire," the sheikhreplied with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Ibo man to my back."

The Rabbi and his WifeThe Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across abox he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it waspersonal.One day, she was out and his curiosity got the better of him. He openedthe box and inside he found 3 eggs and$2000. When his wife came home, headmitted that he had opened the box and asked her to explain the contentsto him.She told him, every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in thebox. He thought to himself, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons,that's not bad." His wife continued, "And every time I got a dozen eggs,I would sell them for $1."

There was this Yid from Brooklyn who decided to go to Russia for a visit. Why not? Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known, death.Although the Yid protested that he was aforeigner, his protest fell on deaf ears. The judge refused to reduce the sentence."The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on people who come here and disregard our laws. However, since you are a foreigner, and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business, legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Any thing that you desire, just ask and you shall begranted them. The only condition is that you can not request to commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will have to pay for your crime.""O.K., if that is what I have left to do withmy life, my first request is to go skiing in the Carpathian mountains.""What?" the judge remarked, "skiing? This is the summer! There isn't any snownow!""Well," the Yid answered, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm prepared to wait. Because that's my first wish""Let it be so!" The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police."When the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this Yid and let him ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to me to complete his sentencing."Six months later the police came to the man's house and took him up to the most beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The Yid skied all day and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge."All right, the state has granted your firstwish. What is your second wish?""Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request.""What?! The Black Sea is frozen. It's winter now!""Well," the Yid answered, "I'm prepared to wait.""O.K.," The judge said banging down his gavel, "the police will come to you on a beautiful summer's day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your hearts content from sun rise until sunset. Then you will be brought here to complete the sentencing."On a beautiful summer's day, the police came to the man's house and took him to the nicest resort area on the Black Sea. The Yid swam and swam the entire day and then after sunfall, was ushered in front of the judge."The state has kept it's word. Now you may have your last wish, after which youwill be executed! What is it?""Well," the Yid began, "nothing could please me more than to be buried in a cemetery along side of you.""What?" the judge said, "but I'm not dead yet. How could we do that?""I don't know, but I'm prepared to wait"

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy toget some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. Atthe register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-packor a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinnertable where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A lady was in the delivery room
starting to deliver her baby. As the
head came out it was dark and had
an afro. The doctor said, "Madam,
have you ever slept with a black
man?"
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was
yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with
an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only
once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were
red. The doctor asked her if she
had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only
once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.)(
He finally pulled the baby all the
way out and held it upside down
and slapped its bottom to make it
cry. As it started to cry the woman
exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least
it doesn't bark!" [color=#006600]

A lady was in the delivery room
starting to deliver her baby. As the
head came out it was dark and had
an afro. The doctor said, "Madam,
have you ever slept with a black
man?"
"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso came out and it was
yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with
an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only
once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were
red. The doctor asked her if she
had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only
once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.)(
He finally pulled the baby all the
way out and held it upside down
and slapped its bottom to make it
cry. As it started to cry the woman
exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least
it doesn't bark!" [color=#006600]

One day.A very young pretty lady decided to paint her room by herself. When she noticed that her dress got stained so much ;she put off her wears.Leaving nothing on her. Some minutes later,she heard a knock on her door.The followings are the conversation: Visitor:Knock!knock!!knock!!! Lady:Yes,Who is it? Visitor:The blind man! Lady:Ok.Come in, hearing that the man is a blind man Visitor:Could not believe his eyes sighting the lady .Oh!You look very great Lady:Looked very furious.But you said you are a blind man? Visitor:Yes, I mean the window- blind man!!!

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start". The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email." "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job." The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email ". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, " Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!" Moral of the story 1. Internet /email is not the solution to your life. 2. If you don't have internet / email , and work hard, you can be a millionaire. 3. If you received this message by email, you are probably already an office boy/girl, and not any close to being a Billionaire. , Cheers and stay real, P.S - Do not forward this email back to me, I' m closing my email & going to sell tomatoes?!!

two lovers decided to commit suicide. they got to the mountain top and the lady suggested that the guy jump first being a man, the guy jumped. the lady closed her eyes walked away and said love is blind. the guy released his hidden parachute, shook his head and said true love never dies

Mr & Mrs Wesley, an elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, he writes a note and hands it to his wife. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" She scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Laugh out loud Hausa songs are always in a hurry... That makes me wonder if the artist is using a stolen guitar. Please be careful of who you help oooo, I was bathing my neighbor chicken in hot water. Now I'm being called a thief
I've deleted all Eminem's songs on my phone , even my mom doesn't shout at me like that.
I no longer see primary school pupils wrapping their books with Newspapers or calender.Our culture is really gone
My life is so private that no one even knows tomorrow is my 3 years old son's 7th birthday.
My mom kept fish on the table I ate it,now she said I should check under the table if the Rat is dead. Please,which rat is she talking about??

One day Chickenstar and John were watching T.V when the news came on, showing a man standing on a bridge about to commit suicide, suddenly Chickenstar said "I'll bet N500 that the guy won't jump off", John said I bet N500 that he will jump. Unfortunately for Chickenstar the man jumped off the bridge,Chickenstar accepted his fate and stretched forth the money but John didn't take it, saying "I can't take the money coz I cheated, I already saw the news this morning" but Chickenstar insisted and said "no you can take it, I cheated too, I also watched the news this morning, I just didn't know the guy will be stupid enough to jump again!"

Real Stress? You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is STRESS! In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn.You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a BIG STRESS already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually, you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile (genetically cannot produce children). This is a STRESS, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the REAL STRESS is. P.S. What do you do to your wife when you get home?

Chicken went to an electronic store, he asked the storekeeper "what is the price of thisTV?"The storekeeper answered "we don't sellourproducts to Chicken." Chicken again came nextday by cutting his beard and asked"what isthe price of this TV?" The storekeeper replied"we don't sell our products to Chicken". The next day Chicken came with a different face and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell ourproducts to Chicken." Finally Chicken got irritated and asked the shopkeeper "how do yourecognise me every time?" The storekeeperreplied "because this is not a TV it is Microwave Oven!"