₦airaland Forum

and the girl replies,

Dear Honie
My Love, My Sugar, I was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when I have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why I am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.
How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to make it Schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.

My honie, I am missing you very much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that I write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then I would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then I know that I will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favourites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.

If words of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against marry carrie. Anyways, I will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.
Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea. You can see my foto above

My dedications to you are:


Maria Curry - One Sweet Day.

Boys to Main - And of the Rod

Keep well my mop of my heart, Yours in flesh and in blood, Ruise Sugar Baby

P.S. Sorry about my English, I did not learn anymore !!

Mite be a old one, but i'll stil share it

How many of this kind did you write in your days (secondary school days)?

The guy writes,


Dear Sugar
Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalsis goes in reverse gear My medular-oblangata also stops functioning.
Crazy crazy crazy you may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That's why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven't finished studying electrolysis and polymerization. Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.
Yourz Ever,
Sugar tapi tapi

princesa:
the concept is totally dirty
and the imagination it gives rise to is also bad, do you still need me to pin-point

u see? dats hw peeps fail exams,
I said not one dirty word in it , didnt say concept,imagination and all ur big big grammer,
sorry if u cant take a joke, ur problem not mine,
humour, my dear, is very subjective,
apparently ur humour rating on a scale of 1 -10 is a negative three (-3)

@princesa

princesa:
but you said no dirty word in it

But true true, aint one dirty word in it, show me naa?

Making a baby!

This is hilarious!  There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to, '

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh, equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes, Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Letter to NEPA

September 17, 2008
The Area Manager,
NEPA,
Lagos

Dear Sir,


COMPLAINT ABOUT YOUR SERVICES

I am writing to you with a deep sense of humility and gentleness. I consider this a great opportunity to communicate with an entity as awe-inspiring as you. Firstly, I bring greetings to you from residents of my area in Lagos.


As a dutiful citizen, I consider this letter as part of my civic responsibilities. Great countries comprise of citizens who are alive to their responsibilities. As a famous musician once said, "Ask not what your country can eat from you but what you can eat from your country.” I have benefited immensely from this country; therefore I have decided to give back.


I want to bring to your notice some strange occurrences which have been happening in my area. I want to sadly inform you that in the last 2 weeks, electricity has been stable. In other words, we sleep and wake up with electricity, we go to work and come back and electricity is still running. This is terribly new and It has added DANGEROUS development in the lives of residents of my area. This is something we are not used to. There is too much electricity for us to handle. In the first week of constant electricity, I started acting strangely. I ironed all my clothes because I didn't know when 'light' will be impounded on your orders. After 2 days, the 'light' was still there. Therefore, I proceeded to re-iron the ironed clothes. My fridge which had not seen '4 hours' of constant light for months suddenly started freezing. In order to enjoy the maximum effects of refrigeration, I have decided to be drinking 20 cups of cold water before I go to sleep. Once I finish a cup, I put the bottle back into the fridge. After 10 minutes, the water cools and I drink. I just don't know what to do. All the Ceiling fans in my house have been switched on alongside my AC. My deck is playing at a high level. My life is now in state of chaos because of constant 'light'. My TV and VCD player are complaining of high blood pressure, as they have been terribly overworked in the last few weeks. Half of my light bulbs have gone on strike to protest their resurrection from blissful death. All the customers in the beer parlour beside my house are complaining that the beer is too cold and wants to destroy their teeth. Even the rats and cockroaches are complaining that human assailants find it easier to track and exterminate them under electric light than under candlelight.

All the witches and wizards that regularly visited me in my sleep have suddenly taken flight in the presence of "light". Now I have to review my membership of MFM (Mountain of Fire and Miracles) since their work has been done. Can you imagine what will happen to the membership of churches if constant 'light' persists? No more demons, meaning No more offerings!! Kai!!!!!!!!!

With the above situation not abating, I decided to seek the reason behind this strange situation. This task was made easy for me when I realized that it was the work of saboteurs. Sabotage is the main reason for anything going wrong or right in our country. Our elections were sabotaged, our president's health is being sabotaged, and Obama's chances of becoming the American President are being sabotaged by Nigerians. Therefore this constant 'light' is the handiwork of saboteurs within your work system. These disgruntled individuals are enemies of progress who want you to miss your set targets. These enemies want you to score very low on your KPI assessment. I realised this fact when I stumbled on a document showing your Key Performance Indicators for every month. These
are:
1. Explosive growth in the amount of Candle-lit dinners and balcony-bedrooms
2. Massive boom in the sales of Candles, torchlights, generators, inverters and lanterns
3. Increased work place productivity due to Employees spending at least 16 hours at work because there is no light at home
4. Massive growth of Rock music fan clubs being aided by the endless sound of generators that are switched on overnight.
5. Volume of human blood being sucked by mosquitoes unchallenged by ceiling/standing fans
6. Incidence of heat rashes
7. Large Increase in naming ceremonies: When people have no light at home, what else do they do with their time other than *******?

Sir, I strongly feel that the above achievements will not be possible if we keep on having 'light'. The saboteurs in your workplace will make you look stupid and incapable in front of your bosses. The repercussions of this charade would be unbearable. This is why I am writing to you now. As a responsible citizen, if I do not volunteer this information, I know that I will be the one to suffer. The day you realise that I have been enjoying endless light for 2 weeks, you will pay me back with 10 black months. The end will be worse than the beginning, thereof. I am at a crossroad. This is a major dilemma. Should I keep quiet? No I won't. This is because Evil triumphs when Good Men keep silent. Your incompetent staffs have left the light switch on and gone to sleep. I know you will take back all that we have stolen from you but Please remember my house in the day of recompense.

Yours Truly
A Nairalander

You are certainly considering the right route for settlement. Personally, I find it worthwhile having experience in the developed countries to let you have an idea that those "oyinbos" are afterall not gods. By the way, you will need to show that you can sustain yourself during the period of unemployment without recourse to public funds. They consider it very important to deny whoever they deem to be a potential liability to them.

You need to apply for entry clearance after being granted the approval like I said earlier. I believe you need to show that you have a saving of about £2.8k at least three month prior to applying for the entry clearance. You must substantiate this with evidence in the form of cash funds. Other accounts or financial instruments for example, shares, bonds, pension funds or agreed overdraft facilities are not acceptable as evidence.

However, you do not have to show that you have had the funds for at least three months before your application if you are submitting your application after 31 October 2008. You must only show you have the required funds at the time you apply.

I will suggest you take things one at a time.

@TOS
Thanks again, im grateful,
I'll definetely keep u posted on the progress I make,
On a scale of 1 to 10 , I rate u a 12.5!

@TOS
Insert Quote
If you have scored 95 points and have experience with one of the big four audit firms in Naija like you stated, then you shouldn't have any problem being given an approval. However, the issuing of entry clearance depends on your savings.

Finding job in the UK is another huddle you must be prepared to cross. The credit crunch and recent layoffs in the financial sectors will make the job market crowdy for the next two months. But if you are prepared coming to the UK with the amount you mentioned, then you should be able to survive on that before securing a good job. The salary scale of the job you'll secure depends on whether you have a UK experience or not. You might secure a job with an experience in the UK but the pay would not be as anticipated by you.

However, you may consider taking up voluntary job in your field as soon as you land in the UK and do it for a month or two. I can assure you that as soon as this is included on your CV, the sky will be the limit for you. Though, there is nothing stopping you from registering with employment agencies as soon as you are in the UK, but I prefer applying directly to employer.

Agencies may be able to secure contract jobs paying £30k or more per annum depending on your experience in the UK. But if you prefer to go for permanent employment, you may be able to get jobs that will give you additional benefits like medical insurance, study support, paternity leave, career developments, etc.

@TOS
Thanks for your prompt response.Im very grateful, but ur answers threw up some more questions,
for instance are u saying a Tier 1  approval doesnt necessarily mean entry clearance issuance?
When u say savings ,how much are we talking of here?,
I know ure a busy man, sorry for taking up ur time,
promise wont bother u again for the next 24 hrs
thanks

one more thing I obviously dont have UK experience,but my work in one of the big four,dem no go consider am so?

truth be told my fiancee is a student over there,she's convincing me dat we should settle there, so im studying my options, thanks again

@Londoncool, Damiso, Tos,Sienna et al

hi fellas, could u give me some advice?
Im on the verge of applying for the new points based high skilled migration.(replaces HSMP)
I presently work with one of the Big Four audit companies.
I scored 95 in the points calculator. have a Bsc in accountancy, CISA certified and ACCA partly qualified.26 years old
Please wat do u think are my chances of
1. getting the entry clearance and residence via the points based system?
2. Getting a decent job in the UK within at least 3 months of my arrival? say minimum of 30k p/a? (hope i dont sound too greedy?)
Plan to come with at least savings of 4000-5000 pounds, will the amount tide me over till I get a good job?

your responses will be well appreciated. The application costs well over 160,000! I want some real assurance before i do it, thanks a lot!

I have just added CISA PrEP GUIDE by WILEY -591 pages covering the old 7 domains.
Note that this material is for 2005. but still relevant anyway. the domains were restructured from 7 to the current 6 domains.
I suggest combining the study of all these other materials with the CRM 2008.
I can make photocopy of the 2008 CRM available to serious candidates only who can prove that they actually need it.
good luck

instructions to download
open yahoomail
open the email address 'cisabox@yahoomail.com
use password[b] 'passport'[/b]
check inbox
download attachment using "save as"

ive posted some free materials starting with exam cram 2
open yahoomail
open the email address 'cisabox@yahoomail.com
use password 'passport'
check in box
extract the folder
click on the icon with a question mark.
if u want to save on your pc copy the whole zip folder to your pc

good luck

I have just added CISA PrEP GUIDE by WILEY -591 pages covering the old 7 domains.
Note that this material is for 2005. but still relevant anyway. the domains were restructured from 7 to the current 6 domains.
I suggest combining the stuy of all these other materials with the CRM 2008.
I can make photocopy of the 2008 CRM available to serious candidates only who can prove that they actually need it.
good luck

instructions to download
open yahoomail
open the email address 'cisabox@yahoomail.com
use password 'passport'
check inbox
download attachment using "save as"

ericalesh:
thanks a million, contactuzo, i just downloaded the material fom the inbox.
we shall meet at the top!

anytime ,my bro,anytime,
i'll attach other dumps from time to time,
those of us writing December,i suggest we carve out a weekend or two to do some discussion classes 2gether.
watchya think?

will be writing december too

ive posted some free materials starting with exam cram 2
open yahoomail
open the email address 'cisabox@yahoomail.com
use password 'passport'
check in box
extract the folder
click on the icon with a question mark.
if u want to save on your pc copy the whole zip folder to ur pc

good luck

Yep im here,
just got my Cisa review manual and cds,
want to take it domain by domain,
hope to complete domain 1 by this weekend,
but e no easy sha,
if u need cisa cram i can help u post it to u FOC

wont be a bad idea to have regular discussion classes from time to time

Gods grace in ur preparations!!!

no longer available. thanks

still available as at today.

@jidadex
there are no extra agency charges. i sent u a mail.check ur box

@fyneguy
sorry,but i just took d last available flat in d compound

i recently paid for a 3 bedroom flat in Ogba.new building,fenced ,well located.with water.
i intend to sublet two rooms out.each room has its toliet and bath.
preferably bankers or blue chip firm staff,must be single,
price is 250k for 2yrs.no additional charges.
must convince me that they are nice guys.troublemakers stay away pls,

brothers and sisters
pls can someone tell me wats hapenning with lasaco.its gradually loosing blood. and i got almost 300kg there. should i bail out or hold on?
wendy,top gun,rough cut,pumping,
pls say something,pls

AKTOP GUN, thanks for ur reply


WANTED!!!!
CROSS DEAL FOR ECOBANK SHARES
N500,000/63,000 units.

mail me contactuzor@yahoo.com or call 08087948172

contactuzo:
All d GURUS in Da House
Wats up with Eco bank. it has been at 7.5-7.95 ever since last year. we all know its highly undervalued, even after publishing their 9 months result with an improvement of 53% increase in PAT,the train still no gree start. Please will this train start at all? where will be its final busstop? Core North-North? abi North -East?

PUMPING,AKTOPGUN,Easimoni and d rest of da house?
watchya all think?

AKTOPGUN answer me naa>>watchya think of ECO BANK?

INVISIBLE
thanks for ur reply

All d GURUS in Da House
Wats up with Eco bank. it has been at 7.5-7.95 ever since last year. we all know its highly undervalued, even after publishing their 9 months result with an improvement of 53% increase in PAT,the train still no gree start. Pls will this train start at all? where will be its final busstop? Core North-North? abi North -East?

PUMPING,AKTOPGUN,Easimoni and d rest of da house?
watchya all think?

contactuzo:

@invisible[size=8pt][/size]Could u please furnish me with the details of the account officer @ FBN, and the branch. I need to run that kind of show. i work with a blue chip firm. i think terms and conditions are favorable for me. u culd pm me @ contactuzor@yahoo.com


Warm regards

invisible ure online culd u respond to my post pls?

@invisible[size=8pt][/size]Could u pls furnish me with the details of the account officer @ FBN, and the branch. I need to run that kind of show. i work with a blue chip firm. i think terms and conditions are favorable for me. u culd pm me @ contactuzor@yahoo.com


Warm regards

loma thanks, Aktopgun  a million thanks too,
as

dollyp1cute:
AKTOPGUN, oya I mandate you to go on a 30mins break from Nairaland, go and give Mrs a backrub or something, otherwise they will continue watching o .

Where is the price list for today o?!

@Tiwantiwa sorry jare, I no wan fari lehin olori, I forgot to put Caveat Empty abi wetin call

of course i guess im a silent reader,
but arent some of them late entries, to use ur terminology, "never jump on a moving train?"
ikeja hotel,cappa for instance,wont it be too late by say wed/thurs this week??

awaiting ur responses ASAP, madams backrub should wait for a while please,
laf,

Ak topgun

Cheerio!
been watching u closely and im very impresed with your verstality in stocks.
could u kindly recomend some CICO stocks for me. make i use my dangote returned money do am.
of course  i understand ur caveat emptresses! laf
kindly reply or send to contactuzor@yahoo.com
most grateful ,

hi
i reside in benin, can i apply?

ive was called on saturday last week and asked to come to their Lagos Office and pick my letter. unfortunately couldnt make it but called their HR and explained i'll be coming tomorrow. I hope u guys also have the good news.
See u at the top!

Those of us who attended Akintola Williams Interview of Decmber 2007 for Tax consultant, any news yet?

IF U HAVENT YET RECIEVED YOUR MOBIL INVITATION ,AND U THINK U ARE WELL QUALIFIED ,YOU WOULD DO WELL TO CHECK YOUR BULK MAIL [color=#990000][/color]THOROUGHLY COS DATS WHER I FOUND MINE. A FREIND TOO FOUND HERS THERE.

ALL DA BEST

hello fellas
by God's grace ive gotten a job with acess bank thru nysc.
i was posted to edo state for my nysc (march 2007 batch a).after camp only acess bank and intercontinental conducted tests for recruitment.i took the 2 tests and was later invited for another access bank test.out of the 109 corpers that took it only 30 of us were invited.and out of the 30 that took the 2nd test only 15 were shortlisted for interview.

before i go on just know that the test was basically GMAT questions i.e the textbook produced by IEC .the first test was maths and english.the 2nd test was IQ (diagrams,sequences,odd one out)
1st test was 100 questions in 1hr.the 2nd test was 50 questions in 45mins.

the interview is mainly a test of confidence and how well u can sell urself.the questions were
1.tell me about urself>>>dont ramble about but talk about ur education then talk about ur strengths and qualities with practical instances.e.g ure honest,u have integrity,ure hardworking all with practical real life examples.
2.what was ur best course in school? i answered auditing, he then asked what is an audit plan, luckily i still remembered.
3.what do u know about acess bank>>>at least u must know name of the M.D,share price value,thier motto or logo. e.t.c
why do u want to work in a bank? i said i wasnt just looking for another paycheque but rather i was seeking a workplace where i will have challenges,where the work is exciting ,and where my best input will be appreciated.

and some other questions i cant remember now,

even when u get into trouble with some questions dont loose ur smile or composure,dont fret or look flustered, show confidence!!

they say our nysc pay will be 30k.and our recruitment is permanent. i.e after nysc we continue with them. i hear that thier post nysc pay wont be less than 120k.

also i got a text from intercontinental on monday inviting me for an interview on wed next week,but the problem is that i have already done my nysc registration with access bank so even if i pass the intercotinental interview ,changing it will be very very difficult if not impossible.

well i hope u all learnt smething from my experience.stay positive!! UR JOB IS COMING SOONEST!!!