₦airaland Forum

kayword:
Welcome back sis deols.
Looking back to what transpired on your previous thread, I can say that a lot of my notions and opinions about marriage and family was shaped back then.
The marriage issue is a delicate one, and the pressure believe me is not on the sisters alone. Brothers too are under pressure to "stop wasting time ".

You are right. The pressure is on brothers too.

What baffles me is that, the 'pressurers' have nothing to offer the pressured. Just pressure and pressure noni

But it's helpful when you can stand your ground. After all, you will be the one to live in the marriage and deal with the consequences of it. Both financial and emotional.

tintingz:
Many people that were jilted in relationship mostly revenge by hurting the person not taking their own life, I'm not saying people don't commit suicide for love but it goes beyond love. Can someone pretty and curvy like Omotola Jalade commit suicide on top a man? Or someone with high esteem with good earning commit suicide on top a man? The least they do is hurt the person back.

The said lady in that link was a policewoman, she can deal with her ex-fiancé if she wants to but instead she killed herself, reason because at her age(31) she's expected to be married in Africa society, the pressure will lead to depression and secondly she's chubby(don't wanna use fat), chubby ladies are most time have low self esteem. Many People don't go for counseling here in Nigeria.

I agree with you

amclimax:
you can force a horse to the stream but you can't force D horse to drink water
Efe might be rich In his bank account but his mentality is still of the Less....no bad blood

who your comment epp

tintingz:
Women are being pressured to marry early in Africa society, giving room for depression, low self esteem and rejection. Women that are not married are seen as useless, egoistic, proud etc. A lady in a thread even said "there is no respect for unmarried ladies" and i was like WTF! So a women must be married before she can earn respect from people? This is what african and religious women are programmed to believe in.

There was a report about a police woman that committed suicide because her fiancé dumped her, the lady in the picture is kind of chubby and she's 31 years of age, I'm very sure she suffered low self esteem and depression.

https://www.nairaland.com/3762686/ghanaian-police-officer-commits-suicide

Marriage shouldn't be something to rush in because sometimes "the way one rush in is the same way he/she will rush out or continuing living in stoic syndrome".

That's an unfortunate case. Nobody is worth dying over. It's good to have a high self esteem.

What to do while you are single.


Many young women despair because of their state of being single. They worry a lot especially when their mates are getting married. I tell you, it's a complete waste of emotions.

Instead of mopping about not finding the perfect man, I believe it's the time to be the perfect person. It may seem uneasy but you have to give it a try. Some things you can do.

1. Make yourself more beautiful. Yes, I mean that. I am not even saying that you should make yourself attractive. Whatever you think will make you beautiful, and have greater confidence in yourself, take steps towards it and get it done. But don't go extreme. Don't do dangerous things like bleaching and using fake things on yourself. You can lose weight or gain it, take care of your skin too. There are many natural remedies out there for skin care. Google is your friend dear. I'd like to use Myself as an example on this. In my teenage and early twenties, I was very slim and didn't consider that I could ever be described as fat. I got carried away, then suddenly, I was fat myself. While going through medical school, especially at a time when I felt like I had no business doing anything else but face my studies, I gained much weight. In the last two years I focused on losing it, on a gradual steady state. Now, my dress size is an 8! and I looove myself for it. My self confidence, although not ever down, actually rose.

2. Improve on your skills/abilities. This is important. You as a single person is expected to have more free time on your hands than your married friends. Here is the time to use it wisely. Get a better degree, skill, become an entrepreneur, etc. I had a senior colleague once who had a professional exam to write. I watched as she spent almost all her weekends at work, busy with her work. I expected her to pass and she did and now, she is even planning her wedding. Now imagine that she wasted all of that time getting emotional about being single? she might end up failing and her timing would still not have changed.

3. Do things you enjoy. Have a hobby. This might even be what would bring your partner close to you. Are there sporting activities, games, readers clubs, Islamic lectures you like to attend. please do and make yourself useful and join community development programmes. I love travelling and this comes with so much benefits. It's increased my view of the world, helped me meet new people, experience diverse cultures, etc.

4. Pray. Someone once said that if you want something enough, you'd pray tahajjud over it. And that's true. This is a time to ask God for what you want. The way you want your marriage to be, your career goals, your children, etc. Spend all of your God given time at this time to ask him for what you want. Don't join anybody in seeking soothsayers to know who you are compatible with. Face Allahu azzawajal. Read more on Islam and get better acquainted with what's right.

5. Have the right company.

6. Be good and change your character flaws. If there is something about you that many people are complaining about, have introspection and work on it. Don't say you can't change. You can and pray about it.

Imagine the kind of person you think you deserve. Now imagine the kind of person that person thinks he/she deserves and that can help you realise the kind of work you have to do on yourself. Self growth is important. Don't be satisfied with being just there and expecting manna to fall from heaven.

Sheikh Gumi is saying that the men will marry the women for sex only. But forgets to talk about what happens to the products of that sexual encounter. So this poor man will have many children by his jobless wives and leave them to become almajiri for the public to cater for?

and this is among a people, majority of whom are wrongly against contraception.


Yes, it is a social problem. And that is why in Islam a poor man should not even have a wife, let alone have multiple.

If the nip had been put in the bud long ago, the problem possibly would have been solved.

So what can be done?
The economy should be improved. People who must marry so that they are not involved in prostitution can consider contraception. Abstinence should be preached to young girls.

Finally, Sanusi should complain less and act more. He keeps pointing fingers and chooses aspects of Islam that suit him.

well said

Wearing Niqab is an Islamic practice that is not compulsory.. No woman should be forced to wear it. But if she chooses to, nobody should make her remove it. simple

The hadith often quoted by those who clamour for marriage is that 'marriage is half of the deen. But can't the way the marriage goes down lead you to sin? I think it is only half of your deen if truly it helps you to be better at your deen. If you marry a woman and beat her to a pulp at every opportunity, I think that you are committing grave sins. and If you are married, u are not satisfied with it and commit zina as a result, you are playing with hell fire. Below is an article from Islamqa that echoes my thought.

Published Date: 2003-03-23
Praise be to Allaah.
The Sunnah indicates that it is prescribed to get married, and that it is one of the Sunnahs of the Messengers. By getting married a person can, with the help of Allaah, overcome many of the traps of evil, for marriage helps him to lower his gaze and guard his chastity, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in the hadeeth, “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding chastity…” Agreed upon.

Al-Haakim narrated in al-Mustadrak from Anas, in a marfoo’ report: “Whomever Allaah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.”

Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.” Al-Albaani said of these two hadeeths in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (1916): “(They are) hasan li ghayrihi.”

And Allaah is the Source of strength.

Note that marriage is a beautiful thing when it's with the right person and my intention is never to discourage it.

I am aware that many young girls are lured into marriages, especially by so-called alfas. I met a girl not long ago and she asked me how I escaped being married. She said most of the Muslims she knew while in school got married. I know it is part of the preaching among the MSS. I have seen many of such girls struggle with taking care of themselves and home, as well as trying to start a business or make ends meet. Majority are not mature enough for the responsibility before they jump into it. So I wonder how they view marriage. A means for legal sex and procreation only?

Anyone going into marriage should not just be physically but also mentally, financially and as well psychologically sound.

Tefs:
Lol. and some people have really fell for the "happily ever after" theme. Our society needs serious overhauling nd orientation. The domestic violence part do weaken me. While some marriages would make you want to get married like immediately, some marriages would simply remind you not to smell anything marriage. May Allah grant us the best of spouse.

of course, marriage is beautiful with the right partner.

Even the ones that make you want to get married immediately may not be as good as they appear

tintingz:
Marriage is a beautiful thing no doubt but to some it is a disaster, the way some people pressure someone to marry you will think that marriage is like happily ever after like in Disney movies or soap opera.

I once argued with my boss a lady, she said those that are not married are regretting and I asked if some of those that are married are not regretting getting married? and I showed her news about domestic violence that led to killing/murder of some couples, she just kept quite.

Even women who are suffering in their marriages will be pressuring others to go into it.

I don't understand what the fuss is about

I remember that on that thread, many people wrote the qualities they want in the opposite sex. Mine must have been the longest.

Nothing has changed though. I still want all of those qualities.

Someone said in a post I read somewhere that a vast majority of women don't end up marrying the kinds of men they want. But men would usually, almost all the time go after what they want and majority will get just that. But why the disparity among both sexes?

Women are made to believe a lot of things, like, 'time is not on your side' . So, they end up choosing what's available. Some other women, when they see their mates getting married, feel left out and go for the next available man. Some are pushed by material gains and others by societal pressure. NOTE THAT I am not judging them for their reasons or choice. It does turn out good for some and may turn out bad for others.

But should this be the case? ImO, No. The choice you are making should be based solely on rational grounds, that this is what you want, deserve, and can live with.

The result of this is that women in our society end up spending almost all of their time and life trying to be the perfect 'wife material', while the men are just 'there'. I see many girls starving to look young and beautiful in order to attract men. But for what kind of man? The one that disrespects you, doesn't lift a hand to help you, and himself is an eyesore? I'd like a society where no woman is pressured into making the wrong decision towards marriage.

Now to my experience, I did realise that humans are imperfect. I am imperfect myself and the idea of a perfect person is non existent. This allows for patience in understanding others, giving room for their fallibility and as well allows for compromise.

Like I may just do with a goodlooking one without literary prowess and I'd be just fine with it.



You all should drop comments. what is your experience and what characteristics do you seek the most. which ones can you not deal with?











I will talk later, in sha Allah about the importance of self esteem in relationships.

tintingz:
Deols, can you tell us why you're still single?

Hope those Alfas no break your heart?

Which Alfa?

tintingz:
Madam deols, I've really changed, no more female bashing, I'm now a rational and liberal person.

Good to know

Check out my new thread
https://www.nairaland.com/3765960/muslim-singles-talk-2

tintingz
empiree
mofpearl

Salam alaykum. I want to start with the most famous thread I opened with my initial account.

At the time, I wasn't interested in being in a relationship. Everything was for the fun of it. This part of the forum was usually so calm with not much discussions going on. One of my attempts at getting the needed participation was that thread, which ended up being for the most part, a success.


I am opening this one as an addendum. Most of the discussions we had then still hold true. But my ideas do have some modifications.

I also want to thank Tbaba1234 for reaching out to me at a crucial time. Thank you brother.


He is the most gentleman I know of on this forum.

tintingz:
Welcome back deols.

Can you take back your moderator position back abeg, too many unjust here.

tintingz. Longest time. I hope you have dropped your chauvinist views


My intention is not to be a mod. I doubt that this site can afford me.. lol. I only work for money these days

Empiree:
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh


Do you know i remembered you all the times?. Most recent waz just yesterday walahi. You are welcome. So you can tell us whats your renewed view of polygamy is?

Wa alaykum salam. Thank you for putting me in mind. I will make a thread on that, in sha Allah

Mofpearl:
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

OMG!!!

I logged in cuz of you.

Welcome back

Nice to meet you deols.

This is the person you were compared with

Hoping to read about your journey in sha Allah.

Thank you for the warm welcome. In sha Allah, I'll do just that

Muslim men and women hook up would sound better to the ears. what does hook up mean?

Salam alaykum

I was looking for news concerning Alhaji Adeleke's death when I got to Nairaland this morning. I decided to search for deols when I saw interesting posts about my absence. The one that caught my attention the most is the one comparing another lady to me. All good, anyway. I decided to relaunch my presence.

In due course, I hope to share my recent journey in Islam. I also hope to share how my view on certain topics like polygyny has changed.

Feel free to ask me questions, if you so wish.

I am still single by the way. My famous thread on singles dating readily comes to mind.

and still witty

Wrongly posted. Wrong section