₦airaland Forum

Hello all BRB

cosify: A mentally strong female shuld exhibit characteristics that are not always the same with those of men. e.g she shuld not talk too much or unguardedly, or react rudely, but she shuld be frank sometimes.She shuld not be easily influenced.

^^^^ case in point. if a man is scared of a woman simply because she talks, what strength is that?
Anyway, all of this is rubbish

Richiy: If a female exhibits these traits, all these nl men wud say they r domineering and status-conscious, and therefore unmarriageable. Btw, av always been mentally strong.

This is sooooooo true, most men who claim to be mentally strong are terrified by women who stand up to them. In reality, they are very fragile and have to live up to high standards of masculine delusions of the alpha male that erode their easily bruised ego.

victorazy: Thank God am mentally strong
Unlike "Depressionkills" and Selfworth"

LOL
It is not about strength, it is about endurance

sandijey: Thankyou! Are u a psychologist?

Nope but i have met many

bettermike: The amount of emotion you invest in something determines the amount of hurt you'll feel if that thing shocks you negatively. I believe the only point i'll ever be quite emotional about someone or something is when am 1001% sure AM GOING TO BE SAFE. Sleep is finally here. Do take care of yourself. K?

But what about the good moments and memories? There is not only pain. How can you be 1001% if you never take risk with and always put on barriers? Anyways, NITE NITE

Krystalxxx: well,i understand this part very well. All i got for my 'sacrifice' was the blame(lol)..as in,i did it myself. So getting pressured..no i cant blame anyone. I realise im just responsible for whatever happens to me.thanks again

You are welcome
I meant "Dont ever let anyone pressure you into having sex or share personal information you don't feel comfortable sharing"

[quote author=Big.game]Is it that you do it unconsciously, or you work really hard to sound ANNOYING

Like i said before, i am no weakling. Yes i experience depressed moments of highs and lows, and in as much as i would love to move on with my life and pretend like nothing is wrong, it doesn't change the truth about how i feel depressed every now and then.

That is why i came to this thread, and believe me you are making me regret it.
[/quote]Please dont regret coming here, talk to me i want people to feel safe here
dont feel like you have to justify yourself others, please please dont!
im sure Mike doesnt mean any harm, and he even apologised
im here, we can talk
if i cross your boundaries, dont hesitate to tell me and i will be cautious

bettermike: For example, ladies wanting to be with a man because they wanna marry. Rather than wanting to be with the man because she wants to be with only him. You get? Am not afraid of love. I just dont think it exists anymore. And do i cry? Well, Men shouldnt cry (atleast that what i believe). And to your other questions,......i'll rather not pour my life out here. Any other place, but NOT HERE. Send me a mail if you can. K?

K
ill try and email you next week since Im visiting SA in 2 days and I procrastinate like a sloth. I should even be here I should be packing
I AM SO EXICTED

bettermike: Truth is, i havnt loved anyone in a long time. I find it very hard to love anyone because am trying to protect myself. Everyone is just so deceitful. No one truely cares about the other person. Everyone is just self centred. I CANT LOVE THOSE I CANT TRUST.

I knew it!! I knew it!!
But if you think like that you will never be able to build emotional bridge with anyone and remain lonely
There are people who care, you know, and who are ready to be sincere. I think most people think like you and they keep their guards up thinking they will all be hurt but everybody just want to open up and connect
I now understand why you cut yourself off from others' feelings, you fear to be overwhelmed by them. You seem to be so terrified by sadness for a certain reason when it is part of life.
Even I, has difficulties trust others and I have severe trust issues too but I just realized that as long as I close off myself, I miss so much of life. Imagine missing on your soulmate because you are afraid of loving. How never having that deep connection with others. This is why I am now an open book and I dont care I try to be as sincere as possible towards others and people now.
I am sure there are people you love a lot and who love you a lot and with whom you can share everything I have my sister and my dad.
I mean you just cant be so negative

Krystalxxx: thankyou so much,i'll try this...

you are welcome
im sorry if i may have sound harsh toward you mum and your boyfriend though but sometimes it is important to DO YOU
Dont ever let anyone pressure you into having sex

bettermike: Am going to add a few things to what Depressionkills told you.

mike, i know you are here, i wont let you run away without answering those questions
[size=70pt]mike i see you [/size]

There is no such a thing as mentally weak or mentally strong.
BTW, following this rationale, sociopaths and psychopaths could be described as mentally strong too.
What is important is the capability to endure things and let it transform you to the core positively.

bettermike: Depressionkills, Tbken, Mckayzee, everybody; Krystalxxx needs our hug & advice o. Anyways Krystal, sorry to hear about your issue with your bf and mom plus the emotions from losing your virginity before marraige. We understand your problem. Ok? Dont worry, IT IS ONLY A TEMPORARY EMOTION. It will fade away with time and you'll be fine. No need to hate your mom (she loves you so much). And about your bf, well i think he's just carried away. He'll be back to his senses soon (hopefully). Its not easy to be concerned and not be possesive or mad. What i think you might need for now though is someone to talk to. SOMEONE THAT WILL NOT JUDGE YOU WHEN YOU SPEAK. Oh, if wishes were horses.... ALSO, YOU MIGHT NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU BUSY FOR NOW IF YOU CAN. So hey, no worries dearie, you'll be fine. K?

Wow Mike, I am surprised, it that you being NICE to someone and not judging them.
I didnt know you could speak with so much wisdom I think I will have to take a snapshot of this comment to always remind myself that EVERYTHING is POSSIBLE.
I knew there was a tender little beating heart under all this harshness.
Mike, who hurt you and made you so tough??
When was the last time you cried?
Do you even cry??
When was the last time you hug someone and told them you loved them??
Are you afraid of being perceived as soft?
Are you afraid of love?
Are you afraid of your feelings?
Mike, what happened to you?? I knwo you have been dodging this question for sometimes now??

bettermike: So there you have it guys. GIVING UP FOR TOO LONG LEADS TO A PERMANENTLY LOW SEROTONIN LEVEL (which further reveals itself in low energy level and the other symptoms). LIKE I SAID, WHAT ANY DEPRESSED PERSON NEEDS IS HABIT CHANGE. Gooogle mosttimes only shows you what you want to see: not what you need to see. BTW, the source of the info above will be available when you ask.

I actually agree with this post but nowhere there it says that we are playing the victim
Depressed people need support to break habits that maintain them into depression, they dont need people shouting and invalidating what they are going through because that will make them shut down and get worse. Trust me, I have been there

Krystalxxx: hi im new here please but i think this is a really useful thread. I have a problem ive bin battling with and havent gotten over. I always hoped i would get married as a virgin but unfortunately i lost my virginitylast month and i feel so unhappy about it. I wasnt forced but i wasnt happy. I have a very critical and possesive mother who always tricks me into trusting her with my issues but when i tell her all she does is to condemn me. When i felt so bad about my virginity that i even told her to help me commit suicide she tricked me into telling her but once i told her she condemned me completely,and let me know im useless. I stopped telling my boyfriend how bad i feel bcuz he just gets mad at me. Im alone with my depression and now my mom is just extra possesive. Please how do i get through this. Im twenty one.

Ummm WOW
To be honest, I dont know if you will like my advise or not because I am not religious at all and very free-spirited so I see absolutely nothing wrong with happy sex before marriage Many religious people may disagree but that is my stance because I see nothing wrong with exploring one's body and sexuality
So for me I see nothing wrong in you having sex. However, I find it wrong for both your mum and your boyfriend to take advantage of you emotionally I cant even believe that she would tell you that you are 'useless' or make you feel that way. YOU ARE NOT USELESS. PLEASE DONT BELIEVE THAT FOR A SECOND, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO GO AROUND, HURT, MURDER, ABUSE OTHERS WITHOUT REMORSE. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG TO ANYBODY, HOW COULD YOU BE USELESS?? Well it is simply a 'mistake' WE ALL MAKE SOME, BECAUSE WE ARE ALL IMPERFECT THAT IS WHY WE ARE HUMAN. Trust and believe that your worth as a person is not wrapped up in your virginity and anyone who reduce you to that doesn't love you for you.

It is quite clear that you are a people-pleaser, a person who tries to make everybody around her happy and sometimes forget about herself. Well this is what I get about what you wrote and often, people take advantage of you. Your boyfriend has sex with you but doesnt want to support you emotionally. Your mother want you to tell you everything, yet condemn you when you lay your trust in her.

You seem not to be able to say no to people and fix boundaries. Dont worry I am like that in some respect too, it is not a fault of character in itself. You cant say no to your boyfriend. You cant say no to your mum. And sometimes, their wishes come and clash. Put all of that aside for a minute and ask yourself, what do you want. Pause and listen to your inner wishes and put aside what people think of you because ultimately, it is YOUR life and no one's else. Not even your mum's I know it is going to be hard at first and you will have difficulties reprogramming the way you think but you need to give your inner voice a chance. I am not telling you to become an inconsiderate brat that cares about no one else but at the moment it seems that you have completely shut yourself down for others. You need to fix that and it will take time, be patient and be kind to yourself.

I know how hard it is to say no to others. But you have to understand that every-time you say yes to others and silence your inner self, you are basically saying no to yourself. And right now, you need to affirm yourself, you should rather say no to others and yes to yourself that the other way around. Do you mind me asking? You wanted to please your boyfriend right?? And you later regretted because you betrayed your own beliefs right?? Dont worry, it is OK, now you are hurting a lot but time will heal those wounds. You made a mistake that is all *HUG* Mistake are indispensable for us to learn and be better

Well that is one of the first lesson of adulthood: Pleasing people doesn't guarantee their love and support. I felt like you are a very loving and fragile person who need to be loved immensely that is why you are trying to please everybody. Well, LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. And anybody that attach condition to that, is only in for themselves and not for you.

Maybe you should write to yourself, try and explore your inner self and even from a religious point of view, if Jesus himself was able to welcome and love Mary Magdalene why shouldn't you forgive yourself? Jesus would forgive you so who is anybody else to condemn you? Do you follow Jesus or other humans?

[quote author=Big.game]Not everybody suffering from depression is a weakling, i myself decided to visit this thread not for sympathy but cause i knew it would be nice talking to others who has experienced the same illness as myself. Please, No pity parties.
It would be better if Some sort of group like say on whatsapp, bbm or hangouts is created. There are somethings not worth revealing on a public forum.[/quote]You are not a weakling *HUGS*

Forgive Mike, he is in denial

bettermike: I asked you not to take offence. Whats wrong with you?

This is exactly why it is offensive.
For real Mike, I dont understand you. You know something is very offensive to people, especially very vulnerable people but you say it anyway and try to get away with it by saying 'but dont take offense' and life is hard, when you are among the one UNNECESSARILY MAKING IT HARD FOR OTHERS.
Phder used the word 'nonsense' toward you once, and you went TOTALLY OFF FOR IT!! For a word, once. Yet you see no problem constantly berating others, downplaying their pain and hardship, telling them that they are basically liars and crybabies 'playing the victim'.

I opened this thread for people to open their heart in peace and be safe from people like[b] YOU [/b]. Who constantly refuse to share their story and only judge others. Stop judging, stop trying to force your own unscientific understanding of depression on us!

I still wonder what may have happened to you to make you so damn hard on people with mental illness

bettermike: You keep missing the point, dont you? Look, YOU ARE NOT SICK. And are you sure you didnt come here to join a pity party? Last i checked, even the title of this our thread say a whole lot. (a thread for those SUFFERING from...). TO SAY YOU ARE SUFFERING MEANS YOU ARE DECLARING YOURSELF A WEAKLING (PLAYING VICTIM). You wont get very far with that believe me. THIS WORLD WAS NOT BUILT FOR VICTIMS BUT VICTORS! Remember the saying "survival of the fittest"? WHAT WE SHOULD BE DOING HERE IS EMPATHIZING WITH OURSELVES AND then SOLVING OUR PROBLEMS TOGETHER. Would you like me to say this all over again? Now, lets hear our problems, cry together and solve the sucker! Together.

[size=50pt]STOP IT![/size]
Stop judging and driving people into silence! and [size=40pt]stop telling mentally ill people that 'they are playing the victim'[/size]

shymexx: This is why I said they were trying to effeminate him and everything he stood for (excerpt from The Guardian UK):



^^What type of man brings a next man to orgasm? - that's an effeminate queer, according to the description in that excerpt. I guess that's why I'll never "buy" that homoerotic slander.

Also, regardless of when the CIA/FBI started following him. I'm sure they would have done enough background checks on him and if he actually did engage in gay sex while he was still Malcolm Little, the street hustler a la Detroit Red - they would have nailed him with that. He was a symbol of black masculinity and he was part of an organisation, that has an ideology that's highly homophobic. So tell me what other thing would they need to destroy his public image while he was alive than exposing his homoerotic past?


Edited.

His past surfaced waaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy after his death. This may be explained the fact that former witnesses may have fear for their life if they were to come forward when he was still alive and very powerful politically. Also Homosexuality was and is still taboo so by outing them, they would have outed themselves. I also think that while in the Nation, he was very ashamed of his past and had tried to hide it or justify some of it which is why he decided to write his autobiography with Alex Haley.

It is indeed true though that his past has been appropriated by WHITE LGBT for their own interests to a certain extend, however, queer men are not necessarily feminine or effeminate. You are mistaking gender and sexual orientation. The old myth that hyper masculine men can not be attracted to the same sex is just a myth. I absolutely fail to see in what he was effeminate in that bit. However what I see are the same derogatory undertones used when talking about sex workers in order to dehumanize them by putting an emphasis on their status as subordinate and subservient.

I think that what is at stake here for you are your own beliefs about black masculinity and homosexuality that are being threatened by the realization that one of your heroes may have been gay. I encounter the same fervent denial when I discuss with MLK's fans who refuse to admit that such a religious man was also a womanizer and believe that his documented womanizing ways were fabricated by Edgar Hoover to tarnish King's reputation.

Mary was a virgin too when she caught belle

[quote author=Big.game]@bold Same here.[/quote]
Does your family try to discourage you too?

Tbken: wellcome back!!! Two people can never be the same..they might have similarity buh then difference will be there...You will not end like ur uncle and stop putting ur self in his shoes...he is now past dont ever let the past to blur the future...The fact that you have the knowledge of how he ended should be used by you as a forwarn not to end same way...

Thanks a lot
I try my best to stay off any drugs or even alcohol because of that. I dont drink, smoking pot disgust me, but I am not judging people who do. This is also why I am an advocate of people who develop addiction because many of them use it as a coping mechanism to escape their issues and get caught up. I am terrified of developing some substance abuse but I think I am addicted to the internet though

bettermike: Oh, am flattered. Thats my point exactly. No more playing victim. Face the issue head-on! Life is tough for everyone already. LIFE IS TOUGH ALREADY. Spend too much time feeling sorry and you might just get left behind. Sorry to hear about your girl. Its painful that alot of us just want to keep being sad and laidback.

bettermike: Its getting harder to come here. The sadness, its starting to get to me. Please understand that i dont want to ever experience depression again. Hey Depressionkills, you seem to have been getting the same remarks from everyone in past (playing victim). Also, you need to stop taking things too personal on nairaland. Plus, please please please, quit defending african women. I think you have a lot of right info (enough to free your depression) at your disposal. What you need to do is TAKE ACTION. Remember, my style isnt a soft one. It'll be better not to take offense.

All of this is grossly insensitive of you

Mckayzee: See?!!! I knew better mike would steal the show atlast, everything the dude's been saying is just on point,he clearly has my stance on this whole ish,standing up and facing it head on instead of shying away and seeking sympathy is just the IN thing.... Trust me, @depressionkills and co, y'all would be fine if you could follow what bettermike's got to say in the long run...

Ps
I have a girl that's suffering from this same issue and was diagnosed for manic depression by a doctor(don.t know if the doctor's quack though) cos i googled it and stumbled on a site where you'd be asked questions and you'd get result that would show if you're merely suffering from normal depression or from bipolar(manic) depression, told her to answer the questions, and the result said she's suffering from mere everyday depression...anyways, i.ve just be wondering on how i could help, though for some reasons, i'm beginning to think she deliberately gets herself sad, cause she worries about even the 'silliest' of things, hence why i'm here!

I will tell you something that I have said to Mike:
First of all both of you are extremely ignorant about mental illness. This is not an insult but it something that shows through how you talk about it. Depression is NOT about sadness. DEPRESSION IS NOT ABOUT SADNESS. i WILL SAY IT AGAIN, depression is not about sadness. I AM NOT SAD. I am depressed. My moods fluctuate, I get caught in deep angst, I am pessimistic, I panic but I am not sad. If any of you understand what depression is, and keep on disregard what MANY have said on this thread about their experience, of what value is your opinion? None.
Secondly you cannot help or claim to want to help anyone if you constantly belittle their pain and disregard their experience. The literature is out there. I posted videos about depression and anxiety. I posted brain scans of a depressed brain versus a healthy brain. What both of you are saying is the same inconsiderate and insensitive gargle that many spread in Africa about how depressed people are not really ill, they just need to pull themselves by the bootstraps, this nonsense KILL PEOPLE!! None of your claims are knowledge-based, they are simply from the stand point of someone who claims to know but constantly rebukes the mountain of evidence of people's experience and hard proven scientific facts. You can not understand a disease of the brain if you have never been in that state.
If you want to help your girlfriend, why are you doubting her? Why would you doubt the diagnostic of a DOCTOR over some internet questionnaire? Why would you think that she willingly try to make herself sick and be in pain??

shymexx: ^^^^Why are you guys trying to effeminate a strong black icon? The man was never homo and all those bringing out the accusations are paid agents, trying to destroy his legacy and effeminate him.

The CIA/FBI followed him everywhere while he was alive. And if he were gay, or did engage in homosexuality at any stage in his life. Best believe it would have been in the news while he was alive - just as MLK's infidelity was all over the news.

Stop trying to destroy his legacy - take the homo crap off the thread, plz!

Homosexual men are not necessarily 'effeminate'. He was clearly not! [size=16pt]There is nothing wrong with being gay! [/size] I do not think he was a racist because RACISM = PREJUDICE + POWER. And as a black man in america he had no power to oppress white people. his ire was legitimate against white people! like I said, gay or not, he was a great man
Also there are many other black icons like Angela Davis who was gay. Sexual orientation takes nothing from someone's character. Also, the CIA started following him when he became a prominent figure of the NOI by then, he had abandoned his pre-jail lifestyle.
He is my hero.

bettermike: *HUGS BACK* I understand. Now listen to me. I SEE YOUR FEARS. Its tough when no one truely listens and those that do, do it because its their job. Emm...as you can see, we've taken one HUGE step forward right now. You're expressing yourself and thats a BRAVE feat. Believe me, in no time, you'll be the up and running again with all the motivation at your disposal. Now, JUST ONE MORE STEP FORWARD. K? EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE Again. I'll be back in about 3hrs.

k

bettermike: @Depressionkills. Dont give up. Ok? What you need is someone to guide you through the recovery process. You need to be constantly reminded that you're not alone. That everything will be fine. What about friends. You havnt mentioned any yet.

Thanks \(^_^)/ *HUG*
Well I have no friend I used to have few but because of my depression and my fear of outside, I started isolating myself, not returning phone calls and that. It si not because I ma rude and dont care about others it is simply that sometimes I just want to shut down. I dont know if you can understand. I just want to curl up on myself and protect myself from the world. Well many of my relatives mistake that for rudeness. Especially my family is very keen on traditions and respect of the elders and stuff. When I dont call my aunts, they would think that I am disrespecting thme and start badmouthing me. I tried to explain, But the all think that i am a spoilt brat rude brat anyways so.

Also my parents are VERY VERY CONTROLLING. That is why I wanted to be independent from them. They actually like to have me on a tight leash so I can do whatever they want. They still speak to me as if I was 5.
I wanted to study design since I was a kid THEY FORCED TO STUDY BUSINESS MANAGEMENT AND FIANCE because they were the ones paying for it. Now I am stuck and have no motivation to finish. They woudl like me to have high paying jobs like bankers but I dont want taht kind of life, hell no!!

I dont knwo if you have read the thread about banker's life, that kind of life would just kill me
https://www.nairaland.com/1503583/ex-bankers-how-life-outside-banking

bettermike: Sad. But if i may ask, what's next? What do you wanna do next?

I hope to graduate this year.
Then try and perfect my art. I have a lots of dreams but i am often embarrassed to share them especially with many Africans who only value money
I would like to learn eco design and stuff like that . I am already learning permaculture. I have a passion for ecology and architecture and design. My hope is to bring social justice and ecology to Africa. My parents just laugh it off and tell me that they have wasted their money on my education for me to chose a career like that

But yeah, I firmly believe that Africa is the future and I want to be part of the movement

Tbken: Ok guys @phder its all good i understand you @bettermike its ok @phder have learnt that the word ''nonsense'' can be insultive so he wudnt use it again on your post or another...
lets stop arguing about rights and wrong and concentrate on positively keeping the thread alive by posting what it was mearnt for...please where is @onila and @depressionkillz? The thread needs u

I am here, hello

bettermike: What happend today? Emm...no need to answer that question. Gosh! Family talking one down regularly isnt something i might have been able to withstand. However, here are the big questions: Would you like to be depressed nomore? Like i said, it takes a decision. And yes, i heard you clearly (depression is not choosable). Agreed. FREEDOM however is choosable. My position remains the same. It will be tough filling a cup that's already full. If you're looking forward to a happier more fulfiling life, i dare you to make that decision to stop being depressed now and you'll be amazed! Are you ready to get up from that bed now? *extends a hand*

Dude count your blessing. A supporting family is wealth, I tell you. I wont say that my parenst are not totally supportive since they do give me money but they, my mother especially always reminds me that it comes with a price. This is also something that brings me down, teh fact that I depend financially on others people is sooooo shameful, especially at my age, I hoped better things for myslef. I feel as if I have totally failed.

The road to recovery is not that easy . I do want to be free but I know that fr one step forward, I will take two step backwards and it is hard and demanding emotionally and physically and I must admit that sometimes I just want to give up.

bettermike: -sighs- I get your perspective. I also agree to the saying: what i can do, not so many of us can. Well, should i say i was sortof lucky? Perhaps. And believe me when i say you've not had it half as tough as i had in the past. The same support system that pulled me up recently was the same one that just didnt care in the past. It was like no one from family realy cared about me. Honestly, it brought pain so severe attimes. Yes, i was lucky. Why, i wasnt raised to be soft. I was raised to be emotionally self-reliant. I wasnt realy pampered during my child days (even though i had almost all i wanted). So, it was kinda easy to withstand the pain alone. Lucky because while i moped just outside my place, a neighbour/friend would sit with me. Cheer me up and we'll drive out for a drink. That helped a bit. Lucky because as time went on, family began to see things my way, support started pouring in again. Its a long story. Plus, i have an issue with pouring my life out here.

Sorry for the late reply I should really check this thread more often. Anyways, that is what I was saying, you are lucky. You are fully supported by your family. I wont go in details because it is quite painful, but I am not on speaking terms with my mother and dont think I will ever be again obviously most of her family supports her and sees me as a spoilt brat and stuff. The only person in my family I can really rely on is my sister. The rest just despises me highly and down talk me. This is also why I developed some mild form of agoraphobia and had difficulties going out of the house because I was feeling as if most people were like my family members so even walking down the streets was quite distressing.

I think I talked earlier about my uncle who was suffering from depression as well and started drinking to cope and die really young? Well he was my mother's little brother and THEIR FAMILY WAS JUST HORRIBLE TO HIM I mean dude had serious issues and instead of helping him they would berate him, call him lazy, a drunkyard. This is why I say WORDS CAN AND DO KILL! They are like a stab in the soul. I know that ignorance has a lot to do with that but at the same time, I still partly blame them for his death and I refuse to take their abuse passively and let it kill me like they did my uncle. He was 33 still living at home with my grandma, no diploma, no job. He like beautiful things and art like me. We had so much in common. Which is why I often feel like I will end up like him, that his life is my destiny and I cant change it. All of this makes me really pessimistic and even more depressed

I remember the last time I saw him, he looked like a ghost, the shadow of his former self