₦airaland Forum

The Selfish Spouse/Relative

" The great danger for family life, in the midst of any society whose idols are pleasure, comfort, and independence, lies in the fact that people close their hearts and become selfish," John Paul II.

Selfishness has been described as one of the major enemies of married love and of love within the family. This description is psychologically correct because selfishness, while falsely appearing to have many benefits, actually turns the person in upon himself/herself, thereby interfering with healthy self-giving which is essence of marital love. Subseqently, this personality weakness creates significant pain and suffering in marriages and families. It is a major cause of marital anger, permissive parenting, addictive behaviors, infidelity, separation and divorce. Unless it is uncovered and addressed, selfishness will lead spouses to treat loved ones as objects and not as gifted persons.

http://www.maritalhealing.com/conflicts/selfishspouse.php

@OP
Be strong and courageous but don't contemplate divorce. The Lord will see you through.

Amelian: A neighbor of mine, had 4 boys but the husband still drove her and her boys out of his house, claiming he is now divorced and wants a new wife ....he is bringing in different babes every month, there's this new babe that is constant now and planning to pay her bride price...so, op... Be grateful for what u have or else God go vex o ...

Also congrats on your brand new baby boy

Amelian: And please for Godsakes, don't over pamper the boy oooooooo.... A word is enough for the wise..

Thank you for your advice.

yellowpawpaw: I just had goose bumps reading dis! Congrats dear!soooooo happy for u! Baby boy,u r welcome!

Thank you very much, God bless you.

[quote author=isale_gan2]Congratulations on safe arrival and healthy baby! [/quote]Thank you and may God bless you.

Ah!!! Satan is a BIG LIAR!!!

I'm so glad to come and comment on this thread today on a very HAPPY note.

Around July last year while my husband and I were considering IVF in order to influence the sex of our 4th and last baby as agreed, I took in unplanned!!! My husband and I were both devastated and confused as we didn't know whether to take the gamble and allow the pregnancy stay or abort and go for IVF where we will be certain to some extent what the gender of the baby would be.

On looking at the moral implications of abortion, the stress we might have to go through with IVF, and the thought of being on the same queue with couples who are praying to even conceive at all irrespective of the gender of the baby, we decided to leave the pregnancy and trust God to take control. And exactly a fortnight ago, I had the 4th CS and behold it turned out to be a baby Boy!!! Now my family is complete to the glory of God!!!

I'm too excited right now to say much, I just want to enjoin you all to please thank God Almighty for me who has proved his faithfulness upon my life and family. I am hale and hearty, the recovery was amazingly faster than that of the other 3 C-sections as my baby and I were discharged from the hospital 4 days after.

I thank you all for your opinions, especially those who by their comments assured me that the 4th CS was worth the risk.

May God bless you all.

-Mother of 3 daughters & 1 son.

INSPIRED_M

Very highly-focused young man.

@OP

Ahhh!!! Prospect of a 3some in the horizon abi u no dey see am? Just count yourself lucky jo!

agubata111:
Many male children are pleading to be adopted. Give them a chance by adopting some of them and give them the best training. a child's brain is like an empty paper. what u write on it is what the child becomes. if u have 10 sons and dont give them the best training, the'll be a problem to u in your old age. if u adopt a son nd train him well. he cld be more useful to u than your biological sons. my neighbor adopted two sons nd they r happy.

I might look at adoption as an option after trying everything possible, including a fourth CS. So, for now, adoption is not on the table but that doesn't mean I don't care for those category of children. I actually donate food, clothes and cash gifts to orphanages almost on a monthly basis.

Many thanks for all your responses, let me quickly share an occurrence below.

My maid who had lived in my home for over 5 yrs suddenly decided she wasn’t going to continue her studies any longer but just wanted to go back to her parents in the village against everybody’s wish (including her parents’). We did our best to make her feel like part of the family, the relationship was more like that between an adopted daughter and her foster parents. Yet she still decided to leave. Anyway, that is not the point I’m trying to make here.

While she was putting her things together to leave, my 1st and 2nd daughters came to me crying and saying “aunty said she was leaving"  but that they wouldn’t want her to leave  (I knew that was coming anyway as they were so fond of her). I told them to calm down as “aunty” had already made up her mind to leave. Then the following conversation took place between my first daughter and I:-

Daughter: When aunty leaves, who is going to take care of us?

Myself: Don’t worry, God will take care of you

Daughter:  But God is a spirit, will he come and bathe us and get us ready for school?

Why did I share this story? Just to let us know that God will not come down physically to help us. If we do our very best, using all means available at our disposal without achieving all that we wished for, then we can sit down comfortably and say, yes my lot is God’s wish for me or it's my destiny.  I was confused before posting this thread, but right now I think I reason a lot better and am quite clear about the direction I’m going and the steps I need to take to get to my destination (of course with the help of God).

I totally agree that CS is very risky, but I think life itself is a risk all together.  There are a whole lot of cases where women have lost their lives during childbirth (whether CS or normal delivery).  So, if God did it for me three times in the past, I’m sure he can still do it for me  a 4th time – afterall, He is the same, yesterday, today and forever.  And if my 4th and final attempt (final attempt with all certainty because I have been told during the last CS that my womb will be tied up after the fourth CS) turns out to be a girl as well, I will gladly say:  TO GOD BE THE GLORY. As for all who think I’m being ungrateful to God for asking for a male child after three beautiful daughters, I want to say that I’m very, very grateful for all I have so far, but that shouldn’t stop me from asking for more. Afterall, we are told He will supply all our needs  according to His riches in glory - a sound and healthy male child (in addition to my three beautiful daughters) is one of those needs for me right now.

Apart from the scar at the lower abdomen, you will hardly know I’ve gone through a single CS. I’ve actually had three of them at UPTH in Port Harcourt, I just didn’t want all those Doctors at private clinics who only refer you to the teaching hospitals when it becomes too late (most of the Doctors running these expensive private hospitals work at the same teaching hospital anyway). Besides, my husband and I both work in one of the leading Oil & Gas Producing firms in Nigeria where we have full access to free medical care but we see that the company’s medical unit is not well fitted to handle emergencies should any arise even though the equipments and personnel are there . So, what  I personally do is, right from the very day I register for anti-natal at the teaching hospital, I make sure I don’t skip any appointment and I try to be nice to all the nurses and Doctors I’m assigned to by way of material and cash gifts and this has really helped me a lot. At my 3rd CS for instance, a particular Surgeon that wasn’t on duty offered to come around just in case his assistance was needed even though I didn’t belong to his team.

I just clocked 37 in August, so I guess I still have three more years to work out this last attempt with my husband, I’m happy to know of the two processes mentioned here that could be of immense benefit to me - Microsort & IVF . I will take time to research on them (probably they mean the same thing, I don’t know yet).

What I might do differently this time around may be to seek medical help abroad with either of the two processes above ( thank God my husband and I can comfortably afford that based on the various estimates posted on some of the responses).

Having made up my mind to go for a fourth CS therefore, one last thing I will appreciate will be recommendations on reputable hospitals where these processes can be accurately applied. If there are Hospitals in Nigeria that can safely do same, please do not hesitate to post their details in your responses as well.

God bless you all.

chaircover:
@poster sorry if i missed the answer (in case you have already been asked this)  but why did you have 3 C/sections and has the doctor confirmed that subsequent deliveries must by by CS?

The reason I ask is because I had a normal delivery after a C/section.

Yes, you're very correct, I've seen a couple of cases where delivery turned from CS to normal and vice-versa. But I have a condition where Doctors say my pelvis (or is it cervix) is too small to allow for the the passage of a baby during normal delivery.

@2mch & Jennykadry

Please when I said I wouldn't be bothered if you use insultive words to get your points across, I didn't mean contributors should use them on one another.  

Kindly direct all insults @ me and not at yourselves or better still, let's eliminate abusive words if possible.

careytommy:
@ OP (i assume you are an educated young lady), you sef no try.your 1st delivery was CS.logic should have told you the next delivery will most likely also be by CS.Thus, you should have taken steps to make the most of it.
BTW, do you know of that chinese baby gender predictor which it done using the age of the mother and the conception month? It's been around for ages
My Advice: ADOPT

@careytommy
Thank for your comment

I lost my first pregnancy at three months due to complications from the treatment of a malaria attack (miscarriage after 5 days of 3 daily doses of chloroquine injection though the Doctor then argued that the pregnancy loss was more due to the malaria attack than the chloroquine injections). There was no pregnancy after this miscarriage until after 2 yrs, this brought about anxiety and being a first child, no one bothered about the gender anyway as any gender was just okay. So, there was not attempt at influencing the gender of my first baby.

Due to the anxiety that followed delay in arrival of the first child (meanwhile I was later diagnosed to have a retroverted ovary and the usual missionary style was never going to get me pregnant except the woman facing down position), we wanted to be sure this was correct and at the very first attempt, I was pregnant for my 2nd baby. Again, we lost the opportunity to influence the baby's gender for the 2nd time.

At the third pregnancy, I learnt about the Chinese gender selection chart from friends and asked my husband to study and apply it as I was ready whenever he was ready. He did but it failed as well. This prompted him to research deeply into it, only to discover that the chinese age calculation was slightly different from the conventional one. Conventional age 32 for instance is 33 yrs on the Chinese calendar. So, although my husband eventually pointed out where he suspected the problem came from, my third daughter had already been born and we had already lost confidence in the chart.

Vck80:
Eegulize, I[b] 'll get you phones and address later[/b], need to find them.
I think it cost between four hundred thousand naira to one million naira or more.
God provided this new technology helping couples manipulate Mother Nature in their favor. It's an embryo screening procedure invented for the purpose of identifying embryos that carry serious, often fatal, genetic diseases.
But these days, it's being used for something very different – to help couples choose the sex of their child, I believe there nothing wrong with this procedure. If having a baby boy will make your family happy and you can afford it, please go for it.   I am not a doctor. A friend did it, the boy is 7 yrs old and very smart.  

Avoid being judgmental ppls.    As for any judgments needing to be made, leave them to God and the authority of God's Word.

Only Eegulize understands her pains, move to next threads if you have nothing good to post,  

@Vck80
Thanks a lot for answering three of the questions I posed earlier, I really appreciate.

@NL members
Please I want you all to put yourselves in my husband's shoes and react like a real African man. I don't care if you use insultive words, just be your real self and get your points across (after all, this is an anonymous site).

Sincerely speaking, my husband and I had agreed to have just three kids after I was told by Doctors that my system was too small to allow passage of a baby through normal deliver, this led to the first CS when they said dilation didn't progress as expected. We shrugged at that news and had oped that at least either my 2nd or 3rd baby would be a boy and we would just put an end to child-bearing. But unfortunately, things didn't turn out that way.

One striking thing that happened during my 3rd CS was that, there was this lady that went into the theatre before me. She told me that was her fourth CS, I didn't ask her why she was going for a fourth CS since she already had 2 sons and a daughter. Anyway, my meeting her disabused my mind of the initial belief that CS was strictly restricted to three times. That perhaps is yet another reason that is making me to feel I could make a 4th attempt especially when Doctors confirmed that was possible and I saw someone who had actually gone through it.

I'm not unaware of the enormous risk associated with CS but I just feel a strong urge to do the very best for my family. I know my husband would have done the same thing to make me happy if the situation was reversed, he has proved this to me on a number of occasions.

I'm actually feeling some sense of guilt because prior to the conception of our third baby, he actually came to me to say "please let's see if we can influence the baby gender this time around so we close this child-bearing thing once and for all". But I told him no way and that I was a Christian and wouldn't do any of such. But just two years down the line now, I'm regretting why I didn't listen to him then.

Though like I said earlier, he's very loving and caring but he now sometimes swing in between happy and downcast moods and when you ask, he tells you everything is fine.

Thanks for all your very frank comments so far.

Two months ago, this discussion transpired between my first daughter and my husband: -

Daughter: "Daddy, why don't we have a brother?"
Husband: " Because God has not given us one"
Daughter: "So, why don't you tell God to give us a brother?"
Husband: "I will, but why do you need a brother?"
Daughter: "Because John is always beating me and my sister and we don't have a brother to help us fight him"
Husband: "I will talk to your teacher to ensure he doesn't beat you again"

At that assurance, my daughter left my husband partially satisfied. But when my eyes caught his', he was a little bit downcast though he told me there was no problem when I enquired.

That was the incident that prompted me to start seeking advices.

I sincerely appreciate all responses so far, I will appreciate more please to enable me arrive at an informed decision.

As a fallout of the suggestion by 2mch above, I wiil be glad if anyone can enlighten me more on the gender selection process he alluded to in his response (not the endless abortion part pls).

1. How expensive is it in Naira?
2. Are there competent Doctors and Hospitals in Nigeria that can handle that?
3. Does anyone know anybody who has successfully gone through the process and achieved desired result?
4. How reliable is the process in %?

I have 3 daughters from 3 Caeserian sections but I desperately need a son for my husband who has been so wonderful and understanding. Although he doesn't look worried about not having a son yet, friends are advising that he might succumb to enormous pressure from outside to get a son outside of our marriage later. My Doctor has said I have just one more attempt at child-bearing through CS after which my womb will be tied up. I wouldn't want another child unless it's going to be a male.

1. How can I achieve male child conception?
2. Should I even attempt a 4th CS?

I'm just confused right now.

Married men are unpredictable. Be careful