₦airaland Forum

One of the money important decisions we make in life is to bring a new life into the world. With all the all the problems we face in our society- child abuse, violence crime and with all the difficulties of daily life. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.

Set a Routine: Establishing a regular routine for your child can provide them with a sense of stability and security. Set consistent meal times, bedtimes, and playtimes to help them develop a structured daily life.

Encourage Outdoor Play: Encourage your child to spend time outdoors engaging in physical activities. Playing in nature helps children develop motor skills, creativity, and a connection to the natural world.

Teach Manners and Respect: Emphasize the importance of manners and respect for others. Teach your child to say "please" and "thank you" and to be polite and considerate towards others. Model these behaviors yourself.

Limit Screen Time: Set limits on television and screen time. Encourage your child to engage in other activities such as reading, playing with toys, or participating in imaginative play. Screen time should be used sparingly and purposefully.

Teach Responsibility: Assign age-appropriate chores to your child to teach them about responsibility and contribute to the household. This could include tasks like setting the table, making their bed, or helping with simple household chores.

Use Positive Discipline: Discipline with love and kindness. Instead of harsh punishment, focus on positive reinforcement, praise, and setting clear expectations. Teach your child about consequences and guide them towards making better choices.

Encourage Imaginative Play: Allow your child to engage in imaginative play, using their creativity to invent stories and scenarios. Provide them with toys, art supplies, and encourage them to use their imagination in their playtime.

Family Meal Times: Make family meal times a priority. Sit down together for meals as often as possible and encourage conversation and connection. Use this time to share stories, discuss the day, and foster a sense of togetherness.

Read Aloud: Spend time reading aloud to your child regularly. Choose age-appropriate books and engage them in the story. Reading aloud promotes language development, imagination, and a love for books.

Be Present: Be present and engaged in your child's life. Listen to them, spend quality time together, and show interest in their activities and achievements. Your attention and support are invaluable to their emotional well-being

Which of these tips are you practising?, Which do you have a contrary view about let's discuss

The responsibility for a child's homework typically lies with the child themselves, their parents or guardians, and their teachers. Each party has a role to play in ensuring that homework is completed.

Child: It is important for the child to take responsibility for their own homework. They should understand the assignments, manage their time effectively, and complete the work to the best of their abilities. Developing good study habits and taking ownership of their learning is an important skill for their academic and personal development.

Parents/Guardians: Parents or guardians play a crucial role in supporting and guiding their child's homework efforts. They can create a conducive environment for studying at home, provide necessary resources, such as textbooks or reference materials, and assist with time management. They can also offer encouragement, answer questions, and help the child understand concepts when needed. However, it's important for parents to strike a balance and avoid completing the homework for the child, as it is essential for the child to learn independently.

Teachers: Teachers assign homework to reinforce and extend learning outside the classroom. They provide clear instructions, set deadlines, and communicate expectations to the students and parents. Teachers may also be available to clarify doubts or provide additional guidance during or after school hours. They play a vital role in assessing the completed homework and providing feedback to help students improve their understanding and performance.

Ultimately, the child, parents, and teachers should work collaboratively to ensure that homework is completed effectively. Open communication among all parties is crucial to support the child's educational journey and foster their academic success.

Respecting is a two way traffic... And children learn by imitating their parents....so if you disrespect them they'll also do the same in return....

In the "Old days". It never occurred to parents to get involved in their children's homework issues except on very rare occasions. They thought it was the child's work and responsibility. What Changed?

That is why we have a lot of confused people arouses. Who don't know how to make basic decision in life because the foundation was not there... But it is our responsibility to change the narration.

A solid relationship between parents and children is built on respect. When we treat our kids with respect, we instill in them the importance of respecting both ourselves and other people.

"Our children's self-esteem is cultivated and their confidence to express themselves is encouraged by our respect for their thoughts, feelings, and individuality."

"Remember that respect requires reciprocity. By treating our kids with respect, we encourage them to respect us, other people, and their environment.

Respectful parenting is appreciating our children as distinct individuals and acknowledging that they have their own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings.

"We must first set an example of respect for others in order to teach our children to do the same. The best way for kids to learn is through watching how we treat them and other people with compassion, empathy, and understanding.

"Respectful discipline entails establishing limits and objectives while taking into account our own behaviour.

A child is like a young tree that need both the warmth of the sun and the direction of the wind. Love them and care for them, but let them face the difficulties of life. Because they develop strong roots and stout branches through effort and tenacity. When necessary, give them shade, but also instruct them to look for the light on their own. You raise a child who can weather any storm and grow into a magnificent tree of strength and knowledge in this way.

Your spirit man needs education... I use to have similar dream years back... But It stopped
after I started kingdom program... You might be educated in the flesh which is to aid your existence in the physical world... But there is also world of the spirit... Your spirit man is yearning to be educated in knowledge of God... So it can take full possession of the finished work of Christ on the cross. Until then you'll keep having the same dream.

Avoid Labels
Leave labels out of your conversation and gently remind others to do the same. Focus on nurturing the whole of what makes your kids amazing rather than creating comparison.
Fill their attention bucket separately. kids need our individualized time and attention. Be sure to spend time with each child separately... You might be tempted to juggle them together because of their age bracket...but please don't.
Unique vs unit. The package mentality is not always what's best for children close in age. Encourage and nurture their individual interest and celebrate them.
I hope this helped.

REFUSE TO BE FREE!

Absolute freedom is BONDAGE.

The idea that you can say whatever you like, do whatever you want, and whenever is actually bondage.

Freedom itself is an illusion; No responsible person in life can ever become absolutely FREE, If not it becomes irresponsibility.

You see this thinking that your are FREE to do whatever , say whatever is bondage.

I see people come on online to talk flippantly without recourse to anything. Sometimes on our page , I see some responses and parents will say am I not “FREE” to say whatever I like?

Comments like “I am free to do whatever works for me, no one can tell me what to do” ,

“you are not the one buying data for me why will you tell me not to speak that way”.

My God! This is absolute bondage

We now see young people online , who tell you I can say whatever, do whatever , I just want to be FREE !

What a bondage indeed.

But we must remember, We all have access to what we want to do and say but can never control the consequence of those actions.

I have long understood that some conversations even reactions have place and time , some things I say in the inner circle Program of - The Intentional Parent Academy to parents on a planned journey with us I can’t say it elsewhere , it doesn’t matter how much passion moves me ... No I am not FREE to say whatever I like even if they are true, these are the real conversations .

Am I not free to do as I like anywhere?

No you are not , the moment you make a decision to be a human being that can do anything meaningful in life you loss the luxury of that FREEDOM if not it becomes a bondage .

Sometime ago while having a conversation with my circle of friends one of them said : You are free to do or say what you like but have no control over the reaction of the other party. I mean the Bible corroborates this, “we are to walk circumspectly as the wise and not as the foolish” .

It is foolishness to just talk anyhow,

It’s foolishness to walk anyhow

It’s foolishness to behave anyhow

There will be repercussions!

One can loose opportunities, relationships and even in extreme cases, you can loss your life!

Jesus offers us true freedom, yet it Involves keeping his commandments, no you can't do as you like.

Absolute freedom is a trap.

Understanding that you are not free to do whatever you like is part of cultural intelligence.

Dear Parents,

Take cultural intelligence very seriously.

Teach your children that , there is no absolute freedom anywhere .

Teach them that you can’t just say anything that comes to your mind , it’s only mad people that do that.

Teach them that absolute freedom is absolute foolishness .

Teach them that conversations have place , time, and a how to have it.

Teach them that freedom can become a bondage if you are not held accountable

And while you teach it, remember to teach this by example.

In this month, look for a system of accountability and refuse to be FREE!!

Welcome to February. Have an amazing one.

Copied.

It's perfectly ok to say no to your child. In fact it is necessary.
You no should be rational reasonable and respectful. You are your child's guide and mentor, you care for them.
That means of course you have to sometimes say no.
Don't be scared of saying no because of any reason. At the same time, don't expect your child to happily accept your no with no pushback or feelings.
For example
" No we cannot, I know you really want to. I'm sorry right now we can't."
"My answer is no, I know that's not what you want to hear.
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Abimbola, 44
Maybe regret might be a strong word because I absolutely adore my children, but since I turned forty, I had found myself asking a lot of “what ifs”. I got married when I was 23. By 25, I had my first child. 28, I had my second. 30, I had my third, and 32, I had my fourth. I spent over a decade of my life birthing and raising infants and toddlers. People say that the twenties are the best time of your life, but I spent mine changing diapers, birthing children, and breastfeeding.

My thirties weren’t any better. I had to deal with those small children, school runs, teething, all the other things. Now, I am in my forties and I am dealing with rebellious teenagers. I wonder if I will ever be free from being a mother, and just be an individual. I wish I had forged a career path, done more than go to the University in terms of my education. and just lived. All I really wish, is that I got the chance to live. If I never had any children, I would have probably been able to do more things for me.

Fadeke, 37
I have just one child, and she almost killed me. I got pregnant three years after marriage, at the age of 30. The entire period through the pregnancy up until the birth of my daughter was hell. My husband tried his best, but he could not take the pain away. Nobody could. I had gestational diabetes while pregnant with her. Now? I have type two diabetes. I wonder what my life would be like if I never had her. Being sick for the rest of my life is not something I envisioned for myself. Sometimes when I see my daughter, I feel a type of resentment towards her. I know it is not her fault, but I just get angry and cry. I feel like she stole something from me.

Elizabeth, 30

I had my son when I was 22 years old, as an undergraduate in a school in Nigeria. It was a one night stand, and I forgot to use morning after pills. A month after, I found out I was pregnant. Till now, his dad is nowhere to be found and I’m honestly not bothered. I love my child, but I often wish I didn’t have him. It’s been tough raising him alone with little help from my parents. I often have to split my income into two, with him getting the larger portion. I also haven’t been able to be in a successful relationship for a while now, as most men do not want to be associated with a single mom. Having children in my opinion isn’t really necessary. I can’t make plans without considering him and it’s tiring, exhausting, and painful. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not sure if I’d want to have more kids. Sometimes, I just want him out of my sight and very far away from me. I cry most times and I snap at my son a lot. I often regret doing it, but I can’t help it.

Chidera, 32

When I got married, all the women in my family spoke about how children are a blessing and I thought so too. What they don’t tell you is how children rob you of your dreams. I did not even realise until my seven-year-old asked me what I wanted to be, and then it dawned on me that I was not even close to achieving that dream. When I was in my 20s, I wanted to be an Economics professor. I never got to do my Masters because I became pregnant, then I had to wait for two years to reapply because of breast feeding and nursing. By the time she started school, I got pregnant again. I love my children, but I realised I sacrificed everything for them and that made me resent them just a little bit. I keep wondering what life would have been like without them, and that life sounds more like the dream I had when I was younger. Talking to my husband about it was useless because he could not understand it. He did not have to drop everything in his life to raise children. I did, and I really wish I didn’t.


What do you think ?

What lessons are there to be learned from these stories?

The woman is only trying to inform parents that they should pay attention to how they are parenting their wards... It's not all about sending your child abroad... Does he or she have what it takes to make the most of the opportunity you're giving to him/ her... There's no point trying to judge the woman... But rather access your relationship with your children. And make amends where you need to.

7 Questions To Help You
Decode Your Child's SOS and Respond
"All communication is either an SOS or a care package." -- Kelly Bryson

You’ve probably heard the term “Acting out’ refer to misbehaving. It means to act out a need or feeling that we can't express in words.

So when your three year old hits the baby, or your five year old throws a toy at you, or your seven year old slams the door, they’re acting out a feeling they can't express in words. They're showing you with their behavior that they need your help. They're sending you an SOS.

You could respond with punishment. After all, the behavior is clearly unacceptable. But you would be missing the chance to address that feeling that your child is finding so unbearable that he has to act it out. You would be ignoring your child’s SOS.

Should you overlook the “bad” behavior? Of course not. Move in to keep everyone safe. In a perfect world, of course, you would do this BEFORE the SOS behavior. But families are made of humans, who by definition aren't perfect. That's ok; Love serves us better than Perfect every time.

As you set the limit -- calmly and kindly -- remind yourself that there’s a reason for your child’s behavior. It may not be what you consider a good reason, but it’s her reason.

Then, address the need or feeling that’s motivating the behavior. That gives your child the help they need to cooperate with you. If you don't address the need, you don't get to the source of the behavior.

Want some examples of decoding an SOS?

Children who are often cranky and uncooperative usually need more sleep, more connection, a physical ailment addressed, or a safe opportunity to cry in a parent’s arms.

Children who compete with siblings often need to feel more connected to parents, more "seen" and valued for who they are. (Remember, sibling rivalry comes from a competition for scarce resources -- your love and delight in the child. Each child needs to feel that you could never love anyone else more than you love them.)

Children who "don't listen" have usually been trained not to take us seriously unless we yell; they're asking us to calm down and connect while we guide them.

Children who lash out aggressively are carrying unbearable fear inside. They need to laugh (when they aren't angry) to begin to melt the fear, and then, when they feel safe enough, to experience that fear in your presence. This will start out looking like a tantrum, but if you stay compassionate their anger will be followed by tears, and then affection and cooperation.

Children who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful, competent, and respected. They need us to stay calm, listen and let them know we hear, even when we don't agree.

Children who disrespect us are showing that they don't feel enough connection, warmth and respect from us. Often, disrespect is a result of parents yelling and indulging in their own tantrums.

Children who often lie to us usually feel afraid. What in your response is making your child feel so unsafe that she needs to lie to you?

Children who whine or are demanding aren't confident their needs will be met and crave more nurturing.

Children who keep pushing the limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them (and everyone else) safe -- while still loving them. You show them this by setting limits clearly and firmly -- but with empathy and understanding. Here's your formula. In a warm voice: "You wanted X, so you did Y behavior.....I understand. And Y behavior is not okay, because it hurts (a person or thing.) You can do Z instead."
Will your child be able to explain his needs if you ask? No, that's why he acts them out! But here are 7 questions to ask yourself, that will help you decode, meet the need, and change the behavior.

1. What is the behavior that bothers you most from your child? That behavior is an SOS.

2. What’s the first thing that pops into your head about what might be behind this SOS from your child? From your child's point of view, what need or feeling might your child be acting out? Connection? Autonomy? Sleep? Less criticism or control from Dad? More one on one time with a parent?

3. What actions could you take to answer your child’s SOS? Make a list.

4. Notice how often your own fear or dysregulation gets in the way of meeting your child's needs. For instance, if he's suddenly talking baby talk, do you feel a need to correct him, or can you accept his temporary need to be babied and give him what he needs? Breathe into that fear and let it go. Once we meet the child's needs, the child can move on. When we deny needs, the child stays stuck.

5. Make a plan to take at least one of the actions on your list, every day for a week. It might be the same action over and over.

6. Notice your child's behavior change over the course of the week. What is working and what isn't? What have you learned about your child's needs?

It's for us to learn and not repeat the same mistake.

Exactly my point.... Parenting is the greatest place of influence but it baffles me when people pay more attention to other issues of life than parenting.

A 60 YEAR OLD NIGERIAN FATHER SHARES HIS REGRET ON PARENTING

I got married at 25, finished my PhD at 35 and became a Professor at 40.

So fast you see! Yes, everything around me worked fast. It is now that I realize that it was a misplaced priority.

My ambition blindfolded me and I got it all wrong, that is why I am sharing my experience through this medium to warn and encourage our young fathers not to be careless as I was back then.

I worked very hard as a lecturer and as an administrator, always so busy that it became my language to my children and wife..."I'm busy"

My wife was around to nurse the children for me for some time. The moment they clocked ten, I sent them to boarding schools, though my wife was not in support of this. I always found my way.

I had no warm relationship with my children, 2 boys and a girl.

I never knew it was a bad idea not to have time for my wife, children and the household, until 5 years ago, when guilt, loneliness and restlessness filled my heart.

I sent for my children to rejoice with me on my 60th birthday.

The two boys, living in Canada said they are "busy" and that their sister will come down from South Africa.

Two days to my birthday, my daughter sent this message to me, "Dad, I am very sorry not to be around over there, there is no time to squeeze out, my husband needs my attention at his newly established clinic and presently, I'm pregnant. "I'm very very busy,
I'm also lonely in a strange land. Please pray for us dad. Happy birthday". I could not recover from the meaning I got from the message.. "First-things-First". When they needed me for warmth and discussion, I was not available, now I needed them for warmth and discussion I could not get them, rather they returned my slogan back to me, "I'm busy"

To worsen the matter, my dear wife died in her sleep a month after. ...Only one of the children came ​without​ his family to the burial ceremony.

I was dumbfounded!!! Considered Opinion: it is good to work and be a hard working fellow.
But hear this important and salient truth:

Parenting is sacrificial work, give it all it takes. Avoid any work that will take away your attention too much from your home - Avoid it and be careful!

It is parents responsibility to prepare their kids for life ahead of them... Forget about what you leave for your children or what you give to them... It is what you've put in them that matters... She was given an opportunity that she wasn't prepared for....And it became a burden... It's not about abroad but in broad.

It's high we give priority to parenting...

A 50-YEAR-OLD NIGERIAN WOMAN SHARES HER REGRETS ABOUT HER PARENTS SENDING HER ABROAD TO SCHOOL AS A TEENAGER.

I came to the UK in the 80s and went to Skinners school for girls in Stamford hill where I failed woefully. I come from a family where going abroad was like going to the market for us. I lived with my sister-in-law who I happened to have appeared to as a burden at the time. I had no one to take me out as a child, didn't enjoy McDonald's treats. I remember being bought KFC once by my mother's younger sister who was in the UK at the time. Most days I had to walk from Pembury estate, Hackney to Stamford hill because I had no transport fee. An uncle got me free school meals from the government so I always had lunch at school but other meals were not guaranteed...

No one ever asked me how I was doing in school even though I was a failure, never disclosed my report sheet because my results were always 'U- Unclassified' worse than F9. I lived at the expense of a few of my brother's friends who were ready to give me £5 in exchange for me seating on their laps whilst they used my nipples as a toy. On a few occasions, my immediate family would give me £5, £10 but NONE EVER TOOK ME ON AS HIS OR HER RESPONSIBILITY. One glorious day, a brother of mine took me on when he noticed that I have been associating with friends that were smoking and sexing at the age of 12 but due to malicious beating every day I had no choice other than to run away from his house. ....

I became streetwise, smoking heavily at the age of 11/12, and did my first abortion at the age of 14/15. I was unable to contact my mother because I had no access to the telephone moreover I didn't know how to use the phones then. I lived with a Jamaican friend who was a few years older than me and we had a man friend aged 50t who was impotent but would pay our rent whenever we allowed him to lick/suck us. Hhhhmmmm I'm sobbing as I'm writing this; I don't know why my spirit has led me to share this horrific and pathetic story but I am sure it is to bless someone out there so I am not ashamed of letting it out because someone outthere will think twice before making the mistake my family made.

I and friends began to find it easy to befriend men for money at night clubs (Gullivers, Petter Stringfellows, etc) at a very young age which I found disgusting, they molested my body orally. I can't even carry on expressing my bitter past experiences because I have learnt to see them as the strengths that made me who I am today...

The Koko of this post is this... Now in the UK, we see Nigerian children killing, shooting, stabbing, selling drugs, raping, etc and we wonder why they are ridiculing our darling country's name... Hhhhmmmm it is not the kids' fault it is the fault of the parents that weren't ready to prioritize their priorities.

I can't blame my mother and neither can I blame my father because they thought sending me abroad to school was the best for me. They also trusted my siblings and didn’t like to get involved in the way they were raising us. They believed when you give a goat to someone, you let go of the rope. They didn't know their darling daughter had become something else.....

You may be boosting that your child lives in London, America, etc but do you ever ask yourself how life is treating them where they are??

So many parents in Nigeria believe the field is greener on the other side forgetting that NO ONE CAN TRAIN YOUR KIDS THE WAY YOU CAN EXCEPT LOVING & GOD-FEARING PEOPLE.

In the UK so many Nigerian parents have misplaced their priorities, they rather work 24/7 and make all their monies to build mansions in Nigeria at the expense of their children's lives.

So many Nigerian parents in the UK don't even attend parents' evenings at their kid's school, some can't even help their kids with homework. Some believe their kids are at home and they are safe not knowing who is there with them. Some would rather spoil their kids with money & expensive outfits instead of investing quality time in them.

Sending your kids abroad to be looked after by someone else is a pure waste of time and bringing your kids from 9ja without giving them all the time needed is an irresponsible move and to be working all God-sent hours, making sterling, dollars, and euros, naira, etc without spending quality time with your kids is a disgrace to parenthood.

This is one of our bad irresponsible cultures even back home ….most children in Nigeria were brought up by housemaids/gatemen/next door/grandmothers/neighbors etc. Some Nigerians don't believe in family planning rather they will have so many children and start using them to hawk sweets, bread, etc after school...

Having a child is not by force, God did not say YOU MUST HAVE CHILDREN, YES HE STATED 'MULTIPLY' but he didn't mean we should do it to suffer for them. Having children does not mean you will live your life joyfully and it doesn't give you a place in heaven either, instead, your children may make you miss heaven if care is not taken.

I am a product of a neglected, nonchalant, cultural upbringing and I WILL NEVER WISH IT ON MY GREATEST ENEMY BECAUSE I HAD IT ROUGH AND IN SADNESS.

Let us stop being selfish and stop pushing our problems/burdens on others. Your child should be with you no matter how poor or rich you are and you must teach them in the ways of God.

Some parents in Nigeria, have children in Diaspora and know nothing about their life , only the fact that their child is abroad.

A lot of people are not qualified to be parents... The more reason the world is at the state in which it is today... But it's never too late to make amends... It is advisable for parents even young adults to seek for parenting knowledge.
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