₦airaland Forum

annex1:
Nevertheless, he is still our egbon in North America. So we'll still advise him. Because we want the best for him.

I nor be egbon abeg o... I am just a guyinthemirror.

Ariza:
Bitterness? Me, I hate nonsense! I'm not bitter just pissed. People are trying to call your attention to something you are missing but instead of you to process it with an open mind you refute them with more "I am too good " posts. That alone is a problem on It's own.

Now if I tell you that what I sense FEAR in you, a very inappropriate dose of it, you will probably come up with some "self confidence" lectures. You fear getting it wrong, which is advisable in it average but yours is beyond it. This fear has led you into ticking off some people you believe can be of no good.Where as finding true love isn't set in stone. Like someone suggested, you may have to sit yourself down, check where you are getting it wrong and visit your trash can. Love can be found anywhere and no one is perfect too.

This sounds a little more constructive than most of what you have put forward earlier.
And yes I do not consider myself to be perfect, infact like you mentioned, I am a little scared and thats a story for another day.
I honestly dont wanna bring that topic up as the purpose of this thread is really to hear honest opinion of everyone, you know try to really see things from another perspective.

Thanks for dropping by.

Ariza:
Oga no kuku marry! There's nothing wrong with being single for life, Good thing is you aren't in a society that will condemn you for it.

You are beginning to sound like you are some kind of blessing to women folk because you dey obodo oyinbo. . Truth is No one cares if you marry or you not getting married. To even start with you called everyone's attention to you meaning no body knows some 32 Nairaland Negro living in North America. Why not just get the words of advice you seek and stop feeling like some God damned "cold" cake!

Abi ewoni iranu gan?

Why so much bitterness ?
My intention is to hear from people and see different perspective and opinion which a lot of people have been very helpful and I am grateful for.

Let me state that the fact that some people had it easy in some areas in life does not mean others will, there are a lot of factors and variables that surrounds us as humans so please lets learn to be respectful and understanding and not seek to denigrate others like you are doing with this kind of write up.

Cheers

Biglittlelois:
Somehow, I am the chauvinistic person with a victim mentality and other labels, but you fail to acknowledge Op's stereotype of Nigerian females when taken abroad, how crass and disgusting of you,

For every reaction, whether positive or negative, there must have been a trigger, e.g, a thread some weeks ago was on FP about a man who married his wife before traveling abroad, when in naija, he admitted to treating his wife badly, and when she moved abroad to be with him, she got her revenge though in a terrible way, my point being, humans tend to mostly behave based on feelings and emotions about an ordeal, either sad, happy, hurtful, etc, actions begat reactions, which can lead to other things,

You, a Nigerian man, is expected to know what i mean by "treating his wife right" when you know how this society works, but cos you want to be a chauvinistic sexist, you have to make it all about men,

1) most men here cheat and claim it's their right, nothing is done about it,
2) During divorce, the wives and children is driven out of the house with no property to her name, so she has to start all over again,

3) For child support, in most instances, the man is required to pay, say, #5000 for five kids, how realistic is that?

4) For domestic violence, the man will be reported, the man will bribe his way out of jail, and that is the end of it, except when death happens to both genders,

So many instances and more, so why do you think Op is scared of bringing a naija wife abroad if not that he wants to eat his cake as it use to be in naija, and have it? Why cant he have a positive thinking regarding females here and hope or pray for the best ?


You guys must always have something to complain about ladies if it doesnt 100% favour you, ladies are making a stand lately seeing that marriage is not to die for, y'all are wailing all over the place,

Like I said earlier, if you treat your wife right, you have nothing to worry about, treat her wrongly, face whatever happens after.

So you are saying I should just throw a coin and pick a wife and hope for the best ? Even if I was in Nigeria I wouldnt even do that, there are lots of misguided women roaming about today so I am supposed to just close my eyes and marry ?

annex1:
Nigerian men get entirely everything but the point.
The rest of the post suggests that maybe the entire problem lyes with you. You described all these wonderful things about yourself but could not get someone while you were in Nigeria.

You say you are trying online dating with Nigerian girls in Nigeria but are sceptical because once they know you are in North America, you feel you cant trust their feelings for you. Already you've subconsciously blocked that option by thinking whatever lady you communicate with is only interested in where you are. On the other hand and at the same time you arent comfortable trying someone in North America that knows you are also in North America because they either are a closet feminist and (or) see divorce as something normal. This is you countering all your possible options. And we know that other option about coming to Nigeria to find wife as a regular guy is just old Nollywood film.

You cant cut your cake and have it. You are going to have to make trade offs.

Okay so let me clarify because I was silent about some things you have started to assume.
I decided to be silent on some things so that I will not deflect attention from the main issue.
I am not here to discuss why I did not date/marry before travelling, thats not the purpose for this thread so it will be nice if you stop assuming .

The bolded is true and I say this out of 2 or 3 experiences that I have had. You have to also consider that many people have alluded to this as well, this isnt so much of a complicated thing though as it is pretty obvious by default most ladies in Naija will want to date/marry someone abroad so can you stop arguing this part .

Cheers

annex1:
If for 32 years in Nigeria you never saw a "below 26 year old "who complemented this your personality. Then there was something wrong.

If 32 Nigerian years of your non-drinking, smoking and womanizing, you didnt have a lady who noticed this and and was endeared to you. Then there is something amis.

If for 32 Nigerian years of your being a "church-boy" didnt attract a Nigerian "church girl" My brother, something was definitely off.

Dont bother coming to Nigeria to lay-low like a regular guy to find a wife. What wife are you looking for that you didnt see in this same 32 years when you were a "natural regular guy"?

And for you stereotyping by suggesting that most Nigerian ladies would fall face down because your home is now North America is an all time low. This is possibly what is subconsciously not allowing you give any of the Nigerian ladies in Nigeria a chance. So that mirror you were looking at while creating your username, look deeply into it, see the problem. Attack the problem.

And also stay calm. There are ladies with typically good - wife attributes around you. You are in a diverse environment now so be open minded. That's what you wanted. Except you are in dire need of a Nigerian woman and in that case refer to the 5th paragraph.

The bolded is actually true, thats not just a stereotype. I did not say all, I said most and everyone on the thread has acknowledged that. You are the only one disputing that fact so you may want to re-edit that part.
For the rest of your post, mmmnnn y ou did not address the issue you were only making comments about the past which I will choose to ignore so as not to digress.

cochtrane:
I think you need to open your mind more. These ideas you have are at best appalling and at worst sexist. That you are "abroad" is no indication that you have achieved anything or that you are deserving of a "young and ripe" (pretty much your suggestion!) 26-year-old. You need to re-calibrate your thinking and come to terms with your surroundings.

I am not surprised that someone can post this, this is typical of my response to someone up there. There are some people who are impossible to please, they go around looking for faults and trying to validate their own importance by pointing out inadequacies.

This is not a good way to live your life. Many intelligent people have read the post and were able to discern that I did not intend to feel proud but only wanted to give a clear idea of my situation and they also provided helpful suggestions.
It is totally up to you to infer what you want but I encourage you to try and always look at the bright side, I hear it makes one live longer.

Cheers.

Hardrive:
My brother I suggest you read THE RATIONAL MALE by Rollo Tomassi before you proceed with marriage.

Thanks and I will check it out.

elektra:
If you don’t care about race/nationality then I recommend joining a church in the US where you live.
There are some churches here that operate like cults (not trying to be mean just saying the truth). Everyone in the church marries within the church and live church-approved live styles.
It is usually a small-medium sized church where everyone knows everyone and the women are extremely conservative (something you seem to prefer). The rate of divorce in those churches are 0%.
I doubt this suggestion with help with your age stipulation though, cos even conservative <26year old girls in US will prefer to marry someone in their age group. Good luck.

I live in a black minority city. Infact when I am in public spaces I am usually the only black person, it is that bad.
For joining that kind of church I am yet to see that around me.
What I see are regular christians who mostly dont consider divorce to be a big deal.
Infact the bible study leader in my church has been divorced 3 times.

baldman:
Hello Poster, you have had some really good advice here, particularly those that said you should be yourself and involve your family members too. I know how difficult it can be finding the right partner even if you are living in Nigeria. I think it is important that you have sufficient time to interact and experience life together with the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, and phone interactions is not likely to give you that much opportunity. Before I lay out options I think you may explore, I want to inform you that it takes the grace of God to find the right woman, you need God more than ever before, and He is ever willing to help if you will renew your faith in Him as you embark on this ultimate search. Pray, Study the world of God and pay careful attention to your dreams and happenings around you. If you can pray and work hard to get your degrees, get a visa and settle down in the west, you should do even more at this junction as everything you have worked hard for can only be truly enjoyed if you have the right partner. This is not to scare you, but trust me, the best of your calculations may not produce the answers you seek. I appreciate your wanting a much younger woman, but you might miss the right one if you insist on a particular age. Keep an open mind.

Now to the options
- If there is any university in your state or province, you may want to make friends among the Nigerians attending the school. There are good girls who worked hard to gain admission to study abroad, and you can be their good friend 'distraction' and play the 'Big broda'.
- Can you think of any of your family's friends when growing up that you admired for integrity, godliness or any other qualities you consider admirable ( folks from the church or mosque, community or your parents' colleagues), do any of them have a particular daughter you like or that you can confidently recommend for your friend? That is your girl. Start a conversation with her and see if you guys will clique. The good thing about this kind of girl is that you have had the opportunity of assessing her when she was not paying attention. You can then start talking to her and see if she checks out.
- Join a Nigerian church and get active, get particularly close to the Pastor's wife. Pastors' wives tend to know about all the girls in the church, and if she takes you as a younger brother, she might be able to point you in the right direction. If you don't want to play church, look for a Nigerian Egbon that appears to be the rallying point for Nigerians in your city, and get close to them. You can meet girls through them.
- Start a Nigerian community platform in your city for people that shares your interest ( yes, you can and it will pay off big time) and invest yourself in it. This way, you increase your cycle of friends and you may end up being the one to welcome new arrivals from Nigeria to your city i.e. you become the rallying point and you will have the opportunity to help people and find a mate as well.

I think coming back to Nigeria to look for a wife will open you up to deceptions and the girls too are likely tobe drawn to you for the wrong reasons.

I pray the Lord will help you in Jesus name ( Amen)

Thank you very much for this,I have gained alot.

Biglittlelois:
You guys are funny lots sha, dating ladies abroad who are aware of the divorce option is okay to you, but bringing a wife abroad from here who becomes aware of the divorce option is a problem to you, why? Why are you scared of that? If you treat your wife right do you think the thought of divorce will cross her mind? Here you guys behave anyhow to your wife because you know the law favours you, and you still want to continue the stupid intimidating evil behaviour because you feel she owes you for bringing her abroad? Smell the coffee dude, pick a better poison and live humbly with it, or stay single and be a baby papa, the world is full of choices.

This is the very kind of mindset that I am talking about.
Alot of these ladies out there are traumatised and do not even realise it.
How can you make this kind of claim without meeting me ? I agree a lot of women have been abused and that happens very often back in Nigeria but not all men are like that.

But when a lady goes around with this kind of mentality it is impossible to please them cos they go about looking for faults in men and looking for ways to express their freedom .

If you live abroad, you'd realise that cultural orientation of a nigerian raised person is totally different from that of an abroad raised person, if you do not live here you wont understand.

I consider cultural compatibility to be very key in marriage and thats part of the reasons I was considering coming back to naija.

Simply put, majority of the ladies I see are not on the same level with me in terms of cultural compatibility and value system and not becuase I intend to abuse them, I am a perfect gentleman.

Biglittlelois:
A dicey situation, since you dont want a 30s lady, you can follow your second option, may the force be with you.

That 2nd option scares me.
A friend of mine just lost his home to a lady he sponsored from Nigeria as wife, the lady took custody of their 3 kids too.
Dating from abroad is a dicey thing especially if the man is going to sponsor the lady.
A lot of ladies will pretend which was the case with my friends wife, and I have also experienced it too.

So right now, I have totally erased hooking up with someone who knows I am abroad .

goldenboyofpsy:
We are age mate but babe is 30 yrs.. What is (are) your reason (s) for marrying 26 yrs?

You need to define and understand what you truly want... Inability to honestly give answers may land you where you least expect..

She's everything I want in a woman even thou it's 5 yrs together....

Once you can give answers on your life goals, expectations etc, you will have light and more insights.

Congrats bro and good for you on that.
Like I said, I actually prefer to marry someone who is younger than 30 years.
It is just my own preference, you could say maybe its what turns me on..

But then it doesnt mean that every lady less than 26 years is marriageable, but thats like the Jamb cut off mark, then we still have the Olevel and the Entrance exams etc.

Ningen:
So your obstacles to a married life is age and feminism? Lol. Your type plenty for naija now.

Coming back home is a waste of time.

You'll only just be joining the marriage hustling market of illiberal old men who're all desperately searching for close minded young ladies to take advantage of in the name of marriage.

You'll hardly succeed.

You have to understand that there is something called personal preference.

J111333:
The situation you are in right now is very tough, so I say welcome aboard the long flight. You messed up big time by travelling at 32 with no engaged woman or wife back home. People I know that are in your situation mostly travelled out in their early 20s.

Well, you can meet your dream woman anywhere including here on nairaland, just open your eyes.

The worst mistake you will make is marrying a village girl in Nigeria and taking her to the States hoping to have a blissful marriage. It's better to go to ashawo joint and marry one rather than marrying a supposedly humble village wife...na one elderly naija man wey don see nwii for his marriage made that statement. I understand that Naija men too get their own wahala because some of them want slaves and not wives but that's a story for another day.

So since you have missed the girls you once knew and trusted, I'll suggest you start with what I call blind relationship and make it real. Love with your heart first and later with your eyes, you'll be safer that way. Your heart can never deceive you but your eyes will.

HEHEHE Bros na the matter wen dey ground be that o.
You know when man dey hustle na blind hustle so it was difficult to really commit to anybody.
Having said that, I am not saying I want to come and pick a village girl in Nigeria.
I am just saying I intend to come and live like a regular guy in NIgeria, without even showing traces of ever being abroad.

The concerns you have raised are what I am trying to avoid by not dating a naija babe while abroad cos all of them just dey pretend to be saints.

HarunaWest:
36 is too old ...You are no longer a young man, you are an Uncle...
Dont you have an Ex in Naija, what of a school mate thatbyou afmired or a Nigerian colleage? Shoot your shot, you never can tell. If she is still good to go, why not ring her. I will implore you not to marry any of those Americans if you can't handle their craze.

And stop telling all that you dont drink, smoke or womanize. Once a lady discovers that you don't do any of the above, she will tag you boring and she will take you olay kalo kalo.
Even if you dont actually do any of the above, always have a fictitious story of how you used to be a very bad guys in your uni days so that you can get respect from her.
Ladies like a controversial person. If you are too honest,you have entered one chance.
Cheers as you seek for your soul mate.

I have answered the bolded, most of my friends are either married or the ones not married have one issue or the other cos most of them are over 30 years .
The option of marrying a former friend is totally out of it.
And thanks for your input about my personality.. That is why I am actually looking for a lady whoose values match with mine.

DominusPrime:
You've painted a good picture of what you are going through. I can relate to some extent.

Marrying a girl that truly loves you for who you are will be difficult but not impossible. Marrying a lady over there has consequences that you are well aware of. And seeing that you are the quiet type you won't do well with such problems if and when they arise.

2 option. Get your papers as voice stated then come back and pretend. I tell you if a woman falls in love with you and later finds out who you really are chances are that she will really and truly love you. It will just be like Lois and Clark.

I'll keep the 2nd option to myself. As a good man I don't think I should start sowing ideas of how to be in charge of your feelings for women or how to have a number of them such that if any gives you trouble you simply throw her away since you have what a lot of them are looking for. Even knowing that you have a handful of women want stop them from hanging around. But no...I won't spoil you...

To be honest, I have dated quiet a few here I have to tell you the mindset is different.
While I consider marriage to be sanctimonious, many of these ladies dont have a problem with divorce so that scares me.
My concern is that at 36 years old, is that not too old to come back and hunt for a wife in naija ?

goldenboyofpsy:
Let me ask... You never had female friends who were your close friend back in the days while here in Nigeria?

Most relationship like this would have been better with someone you know to an extent, believe system,etc

If you do,am sure not all of them are married.

Hey bro, many of them are married . The very few that are not are way over 30 years old.

MODS PLEASE NO FRONT PAGE!!!

Hi everyone, so I am not a new member of Nairaland.
I decided to create this new profile so that I can be annonymous.
I was hoping to speak with some matured people here about the issue of marriage.

I am a 34 year old man who happened to immigrate about 2 years ago, I am a very gentle and highly ambitious person and God has blessed me.
I work for one of the biggest firms here in North America , I used to work in a great firm too back in Naija before immigrating.

Now to the issue of marriage, I am in a kind of dilemna.
I am the type of person that values marriage and a quiet life.
I do not smoke, drink or womanise. I am actually the type you'd call a church boy. I dream for a respectful wife whom I can love and adore and build a family with.

But it seems being in North America makes that complicated.
1. Majority of the women that surrounds me are in their 30s. I personally would prefer to marry someone not older than 26 years for personal reasons.
2. Many of these women are closet feminists and they tend to be much louder than the personality I am looking for in a woman I'd like to settle with.

I have attempted to start relationships with ladies that tend to meet my description back in Nigeria, but I became shocked cos it seems once a lady knows a man is abroad they become lovey dovey. They start to pretend like they are saints so that has put me off as I do not want a lady to pretend for me.

The options before me are :
1. Look for someone that is close to my requirement here and marry her and hope for the best.
2. Look for someone back in naija and marry and sponsor her to North America.
3. Wait for 2 more years, get my citizenship, come back to naija and blend in like a regular guy and try to meet a lady that does not know I am an abroad person to avoid pretense then try to get a babe. (In 2 years time I will be 36 years old, is this not too old ?)

I would like people with a lot of insight to educate me on what appears to be the best option.