₦airaland Forum

yemo777:
Hi Hurting,
As a man (and a married man for that matter) I know one or two things about men and marriages. First let me tell you that[b] if a man cheats on you and you can tell from his behaviour that something is wrong, the that man is clearly not a cheater[/b] and what happened was a geniune mistake, this is more so when he tells you himself without you having to probe. It could have happened simply because of opportunity and circumstances.
If he has asked you to forgive, then please do and forget. But you have to let him know that he his no longer a young boy that will waste his time at nite clubs. Very soon he will be a father and he has to show responsibility. There is nothing wrong in going to the club occassionally, but frequently must be a no no from now on.
It is clear that you are a very good lady and wife and even I can see why your husband said he doesn't deserve you.
If you like let me give you a little secret, most people think men are stupid, but really they are not. Your husband has been noting all the little and big things that you do for him e.g the assistance and support you help him with "his" people back home. As a Nigerian man he knows that you should not be contributing to the housekeep, but you do without complain and lots more other things that you have done for hime which is only known between you, him and GOD ALMIGHTY. T[b]hat is the real reason why he resigned his fate and thought "how could he hurt someone whon has been so nice to him" and fells that the best way to rid himself of the guilt is by staying away.[/b]
Your husband is a good guy, but seem a bit weak and a quitter. Encourage him to be a fighter. The journey of life is not how you fall but how you stand.
Finally remember that forgiving someone is not for the benefit for the person who hurt you (who ever they may be) but it is primarily for your sake. It is the medicine that will heal your hurt very quickly.
Good luck and I wish you a happy married life.
You do not have to reply to this post, you have opened your heart a lot already.

Thank You.
It's nice to hear some encouraging words since I said I'm going to continue my marriage with my husband.
I do believe I'm a good Wife, as I'm fairly traditional (especially for a westerner), I do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, etc & hold down a full time (40hr) job.

Iranoladun:
[/color]  I found a bit of your situation very disturbing namely:
1.  You are married to a Nigerian man who is not eager to start a family but will rather spend money on extended family back in Nigeria (for 4 years).  [b]Are you sure he doesn't have a child or wife elsewhere?[color=#990000]
2. A man who still go clubbing like a bachelor at 36yrs and married for 4 years[/b]

You need to know that for an average Nigerian man (who was raised at home and especially from South-West or the East) until you have a child you are not truly marry in the real sense hence his sense of freedom to go clubbing.  The earlier you start a family the better for your husband to start acting his age and being responsible.

Wish you all the best in your decision to forge ahead in your marriage against all the ups & downs.

My husband is fairly eager to start a family, But I asked him to wait a little while do to lack of funds, permanent work, etc.

I've been to Nigeria 4 times and have met all his family, (I promise you he does NOT have another Wife / Child there).

We send money home quite frequently due to his father passing after we got married, and his mum isn't really working much, or not getting paid enough to support herself and her 4 other children. I have no problems with taking care of "his" family, as they are my family now too  My next task is to learn Igbo, so I can talk to all off them better

I will however been enforcing less clubbing once we have our own children at home.
Until then I'll have to start going with him every once in a while, as I wont be stopping him from going on his own. As to be fair he normally comes home to me every night, and doesn't really stop out all night or sleep over at a friends when he goes out clubbing.



To All of you who have suggested my husband isn't getting enough "Nookie" in the bedroom    please be fully aware that, that particular role is more that satisfied by me.
So I won't be needing to step up my game in that department -

@ dremoney


ur nationality's trippin innit? british/american, u no well, kilo nwa kiri?, who u dey dull?




My mother is British, My Father is American.
I was born in Kentucky, lived their for 6 yrs, then we moved to Yorkshire as my grandmother got ill and needed round the clock care from my mother.

sweetpain:
Sorry, your husband has been cheating. If you want to get back at him and you happen to be in Nigeria, call me.See clean babe.

Lol
I'm a good girl

There will be no getting back from me.
I'm not a two timer, cheater or what ever else you want to call it.
It's either in a relationship or not.

I didn't mind waiting to start a family.
I'm only 28!
As long as I have 1 - 2 children before I'm 35, I'll be very happy.

too_soon:
Do you mean you guys have being avoiding pregnancy by protecting yourself when having sex?  how the hell did you contact Chlamydia?

And have only just started to try for a family now.
so now you guys are having sex without condom?

No I was on the pill.
Now I'm not.

sara j:
What a coincidence that the first time he cheated on you in 4yrs, that he picked up an STD?  And he gave it to you. If he really was sorry he wouldn't have slept with you after sleeping with that tramp. The first thing he would have done is go to the STD clinic and treat it straight away. Its very straight-forward really. He knowingly put your life at risk. And by the way I hope he hasn't destroyed your fertility because for all you know he could have given you Chlamydia years ago!!

To be completely honest,
I Knew something was wrong (I had no idea what, just that something wasn't right) the night he'd done it , as I'd called him the morning after and he wasn't his normal self. Then a few days later he confessed it to me.
I wouldn't of found out about the one night stand, had he not told me. As it hadn't happened in our local area nor was he with any of our friends when it happened.

we'd slept together the once before he'd told me.
So I suggested the GUM Visit - to be safe!
Then we had to wait for 10days to pass before we could get tested. And we'd both got Chlamydia, all other tests came up clear.

So I think I'd know if something was wrong - if it happened again - Even if I didn't know what the problem was.

I have read everyones reply.
And I'd like to thank everyone for their input.

I've made the decision to stay with my husband.
And put this part of my life behind me, look to the future with my husband, starting our family.

I do love him dearly and deep down I believe it's worth fighting for.
Marriages aren't supposed to be easy, especially a mixed race & mixed culture one!

I'm glad I asked for people views, at least it gave me the chance to hear other people and take opinions on board before making mine.

I feel good about my choice (It's me who will live with it), Now I must forget the past, and look towards the future

too_soon:
@poster
Take your case to CHEATERS for more video evidence before crucifying him just joking!!! If i may ask why the hell have you not have kids for him for 6yrs now, maybe that is one secret you did not want to share with us? Maybe you lie to him and now he has found out that you cannot have a baby for him, I beleive there is always a reason before a Man start cheating on their spouse.

so please clear this doubt of mine before i proceed with my advice!!!

We've Not Had Children yet, as we've not had the money to raise a child. we seem to spend a lot of our hard earn money on family in Nigeria.
And have only just started to try for a family now.

JJYOU:
[size=18pt]marriage is hard work[/size] like i have always said.

forgiveness is the bridge we must all walk one time or the other.

I think you're right

epi:
hmmm. U see why men will always call women STUPID Not only you give love a bad name but you also give girls a bad name

I don't think I've given love a bad name, nor am I stupid.

I'm tying to give Marriage a good name. By not falling (& Divorcing) at the first problem we have.

My feelings are that I'd rather give it a second try and if it happens again, at least I'd know that I'd given my best to my marriage.
After all isn't marriage something to work at, and not divorce at the slightest problem

Too many people divorce these days, and I'd rather not be one of them.
He seems to be genuinely sincere in his apology.
I've been with him for 6 years, never argued of fought before.
Perhaps I should allow him this one mishap

Isn't everyone entitled to one mistake ?

dominic tj:
give him a second chance again and again and again. only then will u appreciate the fact that its better to live wit one who cheats and ask for forgiveness than one who does and boast about his ability to lay.

Hum,
Not Sure If I could Stay with him if he did it a second time.

I can't ban him.
Two Reasons - 1) He's not a child. You don't have to go clubbing to cheat! And 2) It would show him I don't trust him.
I need to have trust in my marriage. It's been broken down, But with time it should be repaired.

@ Ben20001.

You seem to be the main guy replying on here.

I think I'm going to go with my heart, I'm sure my head will follow (given a bit more time   )

I'm going to continue as if nothing  has happened between us, and never mention it to him again - thats the only way to truly forgive & forget this.  And put my trust back into him again.

Maybe I'll put more effort into going out clubbing with him  

Ben20001:
I thought you've mentioned that before

I thought so too.
It seems fairly clear to me.

spikedcylinder:
Hence my original question on this thread but she doesn't seem to want to address that. . . .

I'm trying to address that.
He wanted to leave me because  he thinks / thought he doesn't deserve me, because he broke one of our  marriage vows.
Not because he doesn't love me.

spikedcylinder:
So he's remorseful? I thought you said he wanted to leave you?

Yes, He's Remorseful.
He Broke into tears when He told me he didn't deserve me (and thought he should leave me) because he'd been unfaithful.
He's told me it will never happen again. And That he won't ever get that drunk again unless I'm with him.

*Hauwa*:
ummm because you said you loved him, let me go easy.

was the cheating the first and only?
the std the once and only?
do you have kid/kids together?
does he take real good care of you, make sure bills are paid?
is he always broke or you both live a better life?

now if all of the above are yes, give him a second chance   now be strict! you both go out together or he goes no where. mean it!! if you don't know how to club, learn. go with him from now on!

watch him, next time make sure you dump his sorry azz and also make sure you collect child support and alimony with the home and everything.

It's his First & Only - One Night Stand
We Don't Have Kids Yet.
We Share the Bills & Live Together
He takes good care of me

dani1luv:
When your sex is not identified

Sorry I'm new.
I joined today.
I'm a female - I've fixed my profile now

I need to know (preferably from a man) if you think he's likely to do it again.
He says he loves me and it was an accident. And That he'll never get that drunk again.
I need an unbiased view.
My heart says stay with him, But My head is confused.

I always thought I'd leave a man who ever cheated on me, or hurt me etc,
But When it comes down to it, I love him so much, I'm not sure if I can leave him.
What if it was a mistake

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

For better For Worse - Right

Leilah:
Also, I wonder was that other woman from the same country as him?

Apparently she was white too.
But I didn't ask too much - As Honestly I didn't want to know.

Leilah:
If he goes out to nite clubs and places like that without you - I don't think thats right and that would definetely tempt him (like all humans).but for any married man its not a good idea to be in nightclubs.

He's Always gone clubbing on his own.
He's 36, I'm 28. It's never really been my thing.

Hiya, I'm new to this site, And I'm British / American.

I wanted to ask you all what would you do?

I'm married to a Nigerian man (Whom I love so Much).
We married in Nigeria about 4yrs ago.

In late December he told me he wanted to leave me, as he had cheated on me & Didn't deserve me.
I know he loves me, as he's constantly saying things about me / to me.
I love him too, But I feel hurt.

He say's with another woman when he was drunk.
And We've had tests and both been treated for Clamydia.

I now get worried when he goes out, that he might get too drunk again.
I don't want to stop him from going out though.
It's not like he's constantly cheated on me, or loves the other woman.

Everyone deserves a second chance,  Right ?