I say stay but 4 a different reason than most posters. I also question the man's sincerity when he says he wants to leave because he doesn't deserve his wife. That is counterintuitive. I think the guy knows you love him and is feigning despair to the point of wanting to leave because he wants to make u feel sorry for him. He probably only told you this because of the STD issue. He could have had many women and only told you about this one because he could not hide an STD forever. Forgive him and give him another chance but watch him carefully and if it happens again, let it go. You want to give it your best so if it doesnt work, you can end it with a clear conscience. Also, dont depend tooo much on sexing the man to 'take his strength' as others have suggested. If he wants to cheat he will summon the energy no matter what.

Hurtin,

Where did you meet your husband, and what was his circumstance before taking you down to Ikoyi Registry? _{i'm guessing that's where you probably went}. Cos he might just be messing with your head, only to leave you to get back into his game.

Why do ladies act so crazy when it comes to geting a guy they want

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being drunk is just a lame excuse ur man's balls just can't stay in 1 place, it is either u accept it and stay wit him or you leave. it is that simple.

rockhaven:

sweet pain.whats ur own.is it a sin to want to get close.wait 4 ur iv.she has a pic ,u dont and i love what i see.u too can take a look.isnt that lovely abeg help me call outstrip.lol

Be careful.She bites.

yes u should pardon him since he is remorsful, even for the fact that he could be so sincere to tell u the truth meanwile u arenot there when the whole thing took place. and remenber he is a man, cos he can do it without telling u and u can do nothing. the only thing u will do is to caution against excess dring period.

@hurting
We've Not Had Children yet, as we've not had  the money to raise a child. we seem to spend a lot of our hard earn money on family in Nigeria.
And have only just started to try for a family now.

@Outstrip
justgood and saraj thank you very much. This last one she added has even put another layer on it. So you held off having kids to take care pf other people's children in Nigeria. What is wrong with you. He gave you chlamydia which by the way can cause infertility. What exactly is your gain in this whole thing? I can tell you one thing for sure I do not know any Nigerian woman that will tell her husband that it is okay for us to hold off having kids so they can take care of other family members. He will not even dare say it to a Nigerian woman. I was going to say the man was stupid but unfortunately that will not be true.

[/color] There is more to this story than meets the eye! I've been married for 18 years and I can tell you authoritatively that men cheats.  They are also fond of using the tactics your hubby employed; putting up lame excuses that makes you take the fall for their cheats.  However, I found a bit of your situation very disturbing namely:
1.  You are married to a Nigerian man who is not eager to start a family but will rather spend money on extended family back in Nigeria (for 4 years).  Are you sure he doesn't have a child or wife elsewhere?[color=#990000]
2. A man who still go clubbing like a bachelor at 36yrs and married for 4 years

I will not advise you to seek for a divorce but I will say the situation is equally a serious one.
A man that goes clubbing most evenings without his wife who is not pregnant or minding a child/children is definitely a PLAYBOY.  You may never ever be able to change him.  You may just have to join him at the club and like someone said: learn how to go clubbing!

You need to know that for an average Nigerian man (who was raised at home and especially from South-West or the East) until you have a child you are not truly marry in the real sense hence his sense of freedom to go clubbing.  The earlier you start a family the better for your husband to start acting his age and being responsible.  Do not sacrifice your own life, the future of your unborn children and most importantly your happiness for any extended family member.  It's OK to help when you've taken care of the above.

Above all, you need to weight the risk of contacting more STD or even HIV if and when he chooses to have another one-night-stand.  You will need to be very vigilant and enjoin him to at least protect himself if he must have sex with another woman-this is very important for your protection[i][/i]

Wish you all the best in your decision to forge ahead in your marriage against all the ups & downs.

@ Poster
U would like a guys view if he'll probably do it again? I'd say yes.  All he has 2 do is get drunk n 4get one of his marital vows again has u put it. Then of course come 4 repentance. But then again i might be rarely wrong.

So deal wit it now. If u decide 2 give him a 2nd chance just put it in ur mind dats its 2nd chances.

just tulking.

I say stay but 4 a different reason than most posters. ?I[b] also question the man's sincerity when he says he wants to leave because he doesn't deserve his wife. That is counterintuitive. I think the guy knows you love him and is feigning despair to the point of wanting to leave because he wants to make u feel sorry for him[/b]. He probably only told you this because of the STD issue. He ?could have had many ?women and only ?told ?you ?about this one because he could not hide ?an STD forever. ?Forgive him and give ?him another chance but watch him carefully and if it happens again, let it go. ?You want to give it your best so if it doesnt work, you can end it with a clear conscience. ?Also, dont depend tooo much on sexing the man to 'take his strength' as others have suggested. If he wants to cheat he will summon the energy no matter what.

exactly my mind on this!! my dear sister take it or leave it, he is cheating and has been cheating on you BIG TIME!!! if you really love him then you just have to learn to leave with it, alternatively since you cant club with him the he should learn to stay at home and drink at home, i wonder why married men will want to go clubbing and leave their wives at home, can he afford to be sleeping in the house while you are out there clubbing? sometimes our ladies annoy me really, they take all sorts of shit from guys, they seem not to realise that no matter how old someone is he still needs to be cautioned sometimes. any man that goes clubbing with out his wife has got everything to hide, when you are high even the ugliest of girls seems beautiful. you better shine your eyes.

Well what can one say?
He might be a sex addict in which case he needs help.
also remember that there are women out there who will take advantage
of a man not because they love the man but just for treats.
I suggest counseling with a professional.

Hurtin, is this not a lesson to ya??! its your own fault for letting him out to night clubs without you! come off it!

Consider yourself lucky you don't have children and its not too late! you better put a stop to this or else you'll get AIDS and/or some girl will arrive at your door pregnant with his child!!!!!!!!!!!

@Poster

Nothing is bad for you to love him, but you have to use your head because Nigerian are corrupt and always greedy, may you don't know what he is up to. He may want to ruin you and get away with it leaving you to be a beggar. So just use your sense.

pls don.t allow any woman to deceive you fogive your husband and move on with your life because if do your fellow female addvicer will take over

i suggest you sit him down and expalin to him that you understand the circumstance under which he made the mistake(i believe its a mistake).let him know and be convinced that you sincerely have forgiven him and you want him to stay. quitting is never a solution (its only explored as the last option)
so pls stay with him cos you cant be so sure of where you are going to. all the best.

yemo777:

Hi Hurting,
As a man (and a married man for that matter) I know one or two things about men and marriages. First let me tell you that[b] if a man cheats on you and you can tell from his behaviour that something is wrong, the that man is clearly not a cheater[/b] and what happened was a geniune mistake, this is more so when he tells you himself without you having to probe. It could have happened simply because of opportunity and circumstances.
If he has asked you to forgive, then please do and forget. But you have to let him know that he his no longer a young boy that will waste his time at nite clubs. Very soon he will be a father and he has to show responsibility. There is nothing wrong in going to the club occassionally, but frequently must be a no no from now on.
It is clear that you are a very good lady and wife and even I can see why your husband said he doesn't deserve you.
If you like let me give you a little secret, most people think men are stupid, but really they are not. Your husband has been noting all the little and big things that you do for him e.g the assistance and support you help him with "his" people back home. As a Nigerian man he knows that you should not be contributing to the housekeep, but you do without complain and lots more other things that you have done for hime which is only known between you, him and GOD ALMIGHTY. T[b]hat is the real reason why he resigned his fate and thought "how could he hurt someone whon has been so nice to him" and fells that the best way to rid himself of the guilt is by staying away.[/b]
Your husband is a good guy, but seem a bit weak and a quitter. Encourage him to be a fighter. The journey of life is not how you fall but how you stand.
Finally remember that forgiving someone is not for the benefit for the person who hurt you (who ever they may be) but it is primarily for your sake. It is the medicine that will heal your hurt very quickly.
Good luck and I wish you a happy married life.
You do not have to reply to this post, you have opened your heart a lot already.

Thank You.
It's nice to hear some encouraging words since I said I'm going to continue my marriage with my husband.
I do believe I'm a good Wife, as I'm fairly traditional (especially for a westerner), I do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, etc & hold down a full time (40hr) job.

Iranoladun:


[/color]  I found a bit of your situation very disturbing namely:
1.  You are married to a Nigerian man who is not eager to start a family but will rather spend money on extended family back in Nigeria (for 4 years).  [b]Are you sure he doesn't have a child or wife elsewhere?[color=#990000]
2. A man who still go clubbing like a bachelor at 36yrs and married for 4 years[/b]

You need to know that for an average Nigerian man (who was raised at home and especially from South-West or the East) until you have a child you are not truly marry in the real sense hence his sense of freedom to go clubbing.  The earlier you start a family the better for your husband to start acting his age and being responsible.

Wish you all the best in your decision to forge ahead in your marriage against all the ups & downs.

My husband is fairly eager to start a family, But I asked him to wait a little while do to lack of funds, permanent work, etc.

I've been to Nigeria 4 times and have met all his family, (I promise you he does NOT have another Wife / Child there).

We send money home quite frequently due to his father passing after we got married, and his mum isn't really working much, or not getting paid enough to support herself and her 4 other children. I have no problems with taking care of "his" family, as they are my family now too  My next task is to learn Igbo, so I can talk to all off them better

I will however been enforcing less clubbing once we have our own children at home.
Until then I'll have to start going with him every once in a while, as I wont be stopping him from going on his own. As to be fair he normally comes home to me every night, and doesn't really stop out all night or sleep over at a friends when he goes out clubbing.



To All of you who have suggested my husband isn't getting enough "Nookie" in the bedroom    please be fully aware that, that particular role is more that satisfied by me.
So I won't be needing to step up my game in that department -

You guys are still debating on this issue

till death do u part!!!!!!

If you think that giving him another chance will make him change, well, fine and ok by me. But remember, he might get worst!

hurtin:

Thank You.
It's nice to hear some encouraging words since I said I'm going to continue my marriage with my husband.
I do believe I'm a good Wife, as I'm fairly traditional (especially for a westerner), I do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, etc & hold down a full time (40hr) job.


My husband is fairly eager to start a family, But I asked him to wait a little while do to lack of funds, permanent work, etc.

I've been to Nigeria 4 times and have met all his family, (I promise you he does NOT have another Wife / Child there).

We send money home quite frequently due to his father passing after we got married, and his mum isn't really working much, or not getting paid enough to support herself and her 4 other children. I have no problems with taking care of "his" family, as they are my family now too  My next task is to learn Igbo, so I can talk to all off them better

I will however been enforcing less clubbing once we have our own children at home.
Until then I'll have to start going with him every once in a while, as I wont be stopping him from going on his own. As to be fair he normally comes home to me every night, and doesn't really stop out all night or sleep over at a friends when he goes out clubbing.



To All of you who have suggested my husband isn't getting enough "Nookie" in the bedroom    please be fully aware that, that particular role is more that satisfied by me.
So I won't be needing to step up my game in that department -

you are preaching to the choir my dear. fact is most of the men here would cheat even with 2 or more wives and a very lovely family.

IF YOU LOVE HIM WHY NOT? STILL GIVE HIM A CHANCE, REMEMBER THAT EXPERTS ARE PEOPLE WHO HAS MADE THE WORST MISTAKES IN THEIR LIFE.

please let him know that marriage is for better or for worse. do not let him walk away because the devil you know is better than the angel you don't know. Just believe him ok. Do not listen to any one who is advising you to abandon your husband for anything. Remember, a bird at hand worths billion in bush.
I wish you guys blissful married life.
Good luck

hurtin isnt rite name for you here.i guess luver wud be preferable.back to the issue,ur man made a mistake and he has shown remorse,not mere by words but wit action i suppose.dont remind him of his mistake(s),warm up to him,and always go with him to social event(s)-men are sight being,easily distracted with wat they see.it takes discipline nto to misbehave.follow ur heart not mind wat most sistas here are saying.they wud kip their men even though they are cheats

sorry o. for better for stay, for worse for run. the bible is against adultery

It's not bad to forgive and yes give him a second chance,
but try as much as possible to stop him from going to night
clubs as this is the bone of contention.

Good luck!

OfficeGirl:

It's not bad to forgive and yes give him a second chance,
but try as much as possible to stop him from going to night
clubs as this is the bone of contention.

Good luck!

hmm oga oo

Height e la o mo!

My sister if I were you I WOULD OPEN MY EYES WIDE.Men cant be trusted when it comes to sex.If he cheated he will most probably do it again.That means he had sex without condom and you are talking like this.Take action and watch him closely if he refuse to change give him the boot.Let no fake tears get to you.Men know how to pretend.

Do reduce the emotional attachment to this situation.
Try thinking with a clear mind and straigten things out with your Man.
Weigh the good and bad things his done, obviously the good wll overshadow(considering what you've said); let this serve as an encouragement
It takes a man to know the wrongs he has done and own up to it
Do forgive but stand your ground that you won't be able to take another dissapointment whatsoever.
Along the line you would still have to confront your hubby and sort things out.
take things easy and learn to move ahead; cause it's an ugly phase you would like to forget.
Motivate yourself all do thing in the interest of your family and not love.

@ poster,

Your husband is simply missing something in the relationship.

i couldnt just locate the post of the person talking about not marrying nigerians or asking if the person was a nigerian.
make the person de warned o,make we no carry country enter this thing make katakata no burst o.

I would say give him another chance. He knows he messed up and thinks u deserve better since he cheated.
Give him another chance. true love only comes along once in a lifetime,