₦airaland Forum

NLSince:
Hey Guys,

I'm in a fix right now. I created this account to seek advice about my current situation. I have seen some very good and some not-so-good advice being dished out here. I really hope I get more of the former.

So there's this lady who I'm interested in dating. infact, I was about to ask her out yesterday when one thing led to another and she told me she was SS.

Here's a little background to this:
1. I consider myself a good guy. I'm not a player and I can't date you if I don't see us heading to the aisle. I have been in relationships before which have ended but I don't date with the intention of ending it.
2. Because of Number 1, I don't just ask out anyone. I start by being friends and then if I see a future, I'll then take it forward else we mutually friendzone ourselves. I'm different, Bite me.
3. This Lady ticks most of the boxes I think is important. And I actually believe(d) that this would be my Last Bus stop. However, I don't want to get a wife who'll leave me soon.
4. I'm AA

I'll be grateful if you guys help me with answers to this:
a) Should I go on with this? or should I free her? or go against everything I believe in and break off the relationship once her next crises comes. (OMG, that's brutal. I'm cringing just writing that)
b) I know if we have kids, they'll be AS. What chances of survival does she have? at least to get up until 70. She's 25 right now.

Searching for a wife is hard. I really don't want to lose a good one (If I don't have to) and start searching again.

cc: MizmyColi, Kachisbarbie, Xiadnat, PickaBeau1, MatthewBriggs

I have done some reading up and seems like genotype AA can marry all genotype without any concerns. Offspring would be either AA or AS the most. You may find reading this helps.. https://www.nairaland.com/2173935/concerning-genotype-pls-read-before

Also if you are financially sound.. genotype SS can be altered to AA if genotype AA willing to donor blood cells from bone marrow. Am not sure what's the actual cost but estimate to be 6 to 8 millions naira in Uniben teaching hospital. http://ynaija.com/splendid-news-sickle-cell-anaemia-patients-can-change-their-genotype-hematologist/

Good luck.

oluwasunshine:
A friend of mine is in need of help from nairalanders,his parents told him they wouldn't come to his wedding if he insists to marry a malaysian girl, but the wedding date had been picked to be july this year, which the mother were not aware of before.what should he do? A friend of mine is in need of help from nairalanders,his parents told him they wouldn't come to his wedding if he insists to marry a malaysian girl, but the wedding date had been picked to be july this year, which the mother were not aware of before.what should he do? A friend of mine is in need of help from nairalanders,his parents told him they wouldn't come to his wedding if he insists to marry a malaysian girl, but the wedding date had been picked to be july this year, which the mother were not aware of before.what should he do?

What's the reason why his parent is rejecting his future wife? Have the girl visited his parents to seek blessings? He and his fiancee still have few months to work towards getting his parents approval. If all fails then push back the wedding date till everything is resolved. Good luck!

littleduck:
Thank you for your words!
You touched several points that are very important: I think the most important thing is to meet him. First, I asked him to come here, but I have realized that he needs an invitation letter to get the visa. This brakes me a lot: this would mean that I officially carry the responsibility of his presence in Europe. What if, hypothetically, he does not come back home or disappears? What shall I do?
Thus I thought that it would be a better idea to visit him in Benin, but this requires safe logistic and lot of information and detailed planning. I am a woman that is traveling alone. This is always an issue it does not matter where I am. in this case, it is even more important as I need to protect myself.

You mention the word respect: now this word may have different meanings depending on culture. I do not have any problem in saying that I grew up in a culture in which a couple shares the same rights and the same obligations. Thus, the idea of being submissive does not belong to me. However, I am very polite, I do not scream or shout at people, I smile, and I do avoid conflicts, I do not like discussions...they hurt me. He knows I do everything he asks me, I do all he wants because I want to make him happy, I respect him, his culture. I want to know always more and more. He knows I will be always by his side. I do not ask him jewels, gold, stuff like this. I do not mind. All this is not important for me. The only thing I asked him is do not lie to me. I can stand a lot, I have lot of understanding but I want to know the truth. Always.

Family: I completely agree with you. This is why I put the sentence in that way.

I understand your concern on risk of inviting him over on social visit and what if he goes missing during the period. If you both have known longer period, you would be in better position to judge if that will happen. In any case, dont rush into inviting or visiting till you are confident where this relationship leads to. There are lots to work out and if both of you can compromise from where to live, kids, financial etc. The stages leading to marriage in nigeria may differ from guys to guys or family and it may seems so strange compare to our culture, find out his view on this matter. Example: Not all couple in nigeria went through dating before marriage, some are friends for years and the guys just propose marriage, after the lady accepts then follow with a short courtship before marriage. Also if his family permits marrying out of their tribe or non nigerian.

Respect comes in many different ways and manners, through the dealing with him you would roughly know what he expects and how to handle him. For instance, give him full respect in front of his family and friends no matter how bad the situation maybe and only discuss in privacy of you both. Respect him as the head of the family and all the decisions he makes. If argument occurs, be it his fault... let him win, let him have the final say and dont bruise his ego. Its not easy handling a nigerian man, they can be demanding, pushy, secretive, hot tempered etc but once you have won his heart and trust.. he will love and care for you like his queen.

onila:
the real Igbo men dont marry outside

sucks for girls who wanna marry Igbo men

All the non Igbo girls married to Igbo men
are married to rejects

Lola Omotayo married razz igbo musician
Ibinabo fibersima married an Igbo man with already two children
Dizeani Alison Madueke married a widower with plenty children

I am glad Asaba men give us non igbo girls the opportunity to taste the Igbo D

Am non nigerian engaged to an Igbo man, he is not a reject but a handsome, hardworking man with no extra baggage. You might need to check your information source.

littleduck:
Dear All,

Ii took me a while to drop these two lines, but I need your opinion!

In August I met on the internet a truly handsome Nigerian young man. We started exchanging mails and phone calls. Things were not that smooth at the beginning, but our "relationship" turned in something (maybe) more serious beginning of December.
He is very nice, funny, I like to speak with him, and I feel "only too good" when he calls me and he wants to hear from me. Honestly, I think I am in love with him like a teenager

I started to learn about his culture as much as I can, beyond what we get in our newspapers: I discovered a wonderful country, an incredibly fascinating culture, delicious food (I cooked my first Egusi soup a couple of weeks ago, I am very proud!). I have also learned a couple of Yoruba words. I am really trying to learn/understand as much as I can (music, cinema, history…). Of course, I also discovered this absolutely nice forum looking around for info about Nigeria.

I am not famous, but I am a public person. I am a scientist, if I would give you two/three keywords about my work, you would find immediately my official homepage and know everything about me.

So…Where is the point? I am European (white), older than him (I look pretty young but numbers are numbers), and I can't have children because of a past illness. Thus, when he says that he has true feelings for me and he would like to marry me if our relationship develops in the future, I feel uncomfortable. Although I would love that all this could become true.

I told him I have never married anybody before. He said it is because it is destiny. I had to wait for him. Why destiny put the “supposed to be” man of my life so far away from me, it is certainly puzzling He said he told his family about me. If this is true, I would be the happiest woman on the world.

I really have feelings for him and care a lot about him, but I do not see any perspectives for this "relationship". Plus, I am not sure he really likes me, maybe I am only a toy for him, or even worse

So….just tell me what you think….I would really appreciate your opinion!
THX

Hi, I read your little story and could share some experience. I was in the same situation like you before and had gone through all the possible stress, fear, emotional etc for years in my relationship with 2 nigerian guys.

Firstly, I would suggest you take more time to know this person and preferably have him travel to meet you in your country first. If you want to travel to meet him first time, either arrange meeting in nearby country or make sure you have family or friends knowing your exact location at any time. Its true most nigerian guys dont date older women and they do want kids of their own but there are exceptions, knowledge of their culture and native language, ability to cook their food and house keeping are important also. The way you speak and present yourself is important too, they prefer gentle spoken, obedient, humble, giving them lots of respect and submissive woman. Aggressive, argumentation and drama will stress them out.

You mentioned his family already know about you, no offence but dont take his words for real unless you have spoken to his family personally and have their contact numbers. Most nigerian man dont present ladies to their family or bring female home unless they have intention to marry her. Its different from our white culture of inviting friends over to our family home for meals or visiting. If he starts asking for financial help or dropping hints then it might be a red flag. Its difficult for me to write everything as individual situation, senario might be different. You will be the better judge after spending more time to know him and best of luck on your african king.

favourmic:
I need mature guys and ladies to answer the question "What's the Difference Between Courtship and Dating?" to enlighten us more on nairaland let us hear your view or point on it.

Men and women who choose to date often have no commitment to consider marrying the other person. Maturity and readiness for marriage are not considerations in the decision to date. Instead, couples usually date with the selfish goals of having fun and enjoying romantic attachments.

In contrast, courtship is undertaken only when both parties are prepared to make a commitment to marriage. In courtship, you and your partner take the time to get to know and care for each other and develop trust. You're both more vested in your relationship because of the time and effort you've put into each other. Courtship takes more courage because you have to be authentic, open, vulnerable and live without knowing the outcome. If you choose the path of courtship, you'll become clearer on what matters most to you, what's acceptable and not acceptable to you and realize your self-worth. You'll feel cherished, cared for and respected.

I suggest you follow him to nigeria on his next home trip, so you can meet his family. If he has a wife, doubt he would want you to follow as he would need to spend time with her. Other than that observe his behavior and good luck.

If you are worried about the superstitions belief... Try offer him a small token of money in exchange for the shoes as symbols of you purchasing it instead of a gift from him, explain to him your reasons for doing so as you treasure the relationship and want nothing bad to happen.

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Please send me a copy too, thank you.

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Any folks from edo can explain what ovoranmen means? thank you

I'm a non nigerian, I love flowers and always treasures them. I always natural air dry them and keep them for couple years.  

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Love is an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment

May I have a copy too?

Thank you! 

Love has no price tags,  how to justify its worth? I asked myself the questions multiple times, why keep a distance relationship? Why not go for a local guy or someone of the same culture? I never had "special" likings for dark guys,  why I fall for a black guy 11,000km away? I can't find the answer too,  just followed my heart

Listen to your heart, if you feel the person out there somewhere is what you seek for in a life partner then work towards achieving a future together. Its not an easy love path but I would think when it does succeed, I am sure both will greatly treasure their togetherness. If both parties don't have the same goal, same feelings, understandings etc. even though in the same town relationships wouldn't work out too.

Some songs my naija luv sent me

Until You - Shayne Ward

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCp57imXQbA&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=13

Girl in the Life Magazine - Boyz II Men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HtOh29dgtM&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=1

In front of my eyes - Amr Diab (Arabic with nice tune & lyrics)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEmW9jOAPj8&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=15


Some songs I found the tunes are nice or lyrics touching

Distant Romance - Sheryl Ann Padre

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xf2HukztBjU&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=5

Long Distance Love - Tamia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KnHe9DqbYM&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=6

Dreams - Boyz II Men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDjW79D01eA&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=7

Your Home is in my Heart - Boyz II Men & Chante Moore

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS1XPTGcF_8&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=8

Color of Love - Boyz II Men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFxIT2MKQQA&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=9

The Perfect Love Song - Boyz II Men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFcbXtxHcfc&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=11

You are my everything - Boyz II Men

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY8FvXEv1yg&feature=BFa&list=PLF03D20246A37E5AD&index=2

@poster

I can give you some advice but would prefer to discuss it offline that's if you don't mind. 

Else find a time sit down and talk to him about your suspicion. If he really is interested in you, he will tell you the truth. It's up to you how you feel about the whole relationship and whether to continue.

Honest and poor

kemisuga:
U got it right, u talking from experience.

Basically long distance does hinder but do close distance relationship work out all the time? No! So what if we are just 500 meters away, sees each other daily but neither party wants to work at it will the relationship flourish?

It's still the human factor afterall to achieve success or fail. 

lutha:
It has once been said that if there is love and understanding between the lovers that distance does not matter, but have seen brake-ups caused as a result of distance even in a loving and understanding relationship. Kindly give your reasonable opinion please.

It's a very tough question to answer if the relationship will work out, it really depends on the couple if they planned to work hard or give up easily. Yes! It's not as easy as anyone thinks,  struggles with culture, time difference and the list goes on. Occasional arguments are unavoidable due to misunderstanding, communication breakdown, trust etc.

I truly understand the difficulty and hardship as I am in a long distance relationship with a wonderful naija man for almost 11 months now. I can't deny we have ups and down or several times when things gets tough,  I wanna quit. We would discuss about giving it up but somehow we cant and still managed to stay together. Hopefully things will work out when he move closer to my country so we can start seeing each other regularly.

As to how the ending of distance relationship will be,  nobody knows,  but if we walk away now we might lose our soulmate without realising. At least we put in effort tried our best with no regrets. 

Some of the factors are;
1. Age
2. Time difference
3. Culture
4. Understanding
5. Tolerance
6. Communication
7. Individual Character
8. Sincerity
9. Honesty
10. Jealousy
11. Trust
12. Emotional
13. Patience
14. Fidelity
15. Effort