Phema:

Was wondering that too. Opened thread thinking I will see where she caught the husband pants down . . .

Found the receipt of the dinner purchased and when i asked him about it he told me who he bought it for.

chaircover:

Jazzyme, I feel the hurt in your words & I know that you must be feeling very sad at the moment, but I still want to give you hope that there is still a possibility that this is just a blip and can be overcome

Most marriages go through rough times at some point in time, even the very happy marriages so you are not alone, and many marriages that break may have been revived if only for a little more patience and action on the parts of either or both parties.

This man is your husband and at some point you both felt great love for each other and had so many dreams together. He has hurt and offended you, but somehow you are going to have to rise above all that and find a way of getting how you are feeling accorss to him. Its hard, I know because both parties should be ready to make it work, but it has to be done.

First you need to work out WHY! why is he doing this? is this a one off error on his part or he is fed up of the marriage. If he is fed up then why. Is he bored? has he got someone else? is he going through a midlife crisis, does he feel that he needs to prove to himself that he can still be attractive to other women. My dear until you know the whys, you cant really forge forward.

Find a way of reaching through to him and getting him to open up. You are in my thoughts.

I am praying that God can give me the extra skills that could teach me how to get into my husband head. I desire for him to open up to me and tell me whats going on, but his method is to shut down or go into his turtle shell and stay there until he feels he is ready to peak his head out. Unless he is able to face problems head on and learn how to communicate with me, I just don't know how to fix it by myself. If I have a problem or I am upset about something, I take it to him. But when I take it to him he only clams up and does not respond and I am just ignored and punished for at least a week. It just not a healthy environment and I'm tired of all the ups a downs. This happens at least 1 per month. So to avoid the silent treatment, I try to keep every feeling to myself until it becomes too much to bare and then we blow up. If he would just talk to me and hear me I would be willing to do the same for him, but I can't talk by myself.

I thank everyone for your post. This might be meaningless to everyone else, but this is my life, health, heart, and marriage that is being hurt and the pain is so deep. My past has taught me how to love but it has also taught me not to be blind to my surroundings. If he says that he loves me, then he should do everything possible to guard our marriage from outside temptations. I am not a bad looking women and I cater to all his needs as often as he needs so that can't be the issue. Some men are just plain greedy. No wife should have to compete for her own husband attention and love. When we stood before God and our families we made a commitment to each other and there should never be any excuse good enough to sneak around and meet up with other women if your intention are good and you really love your spouse. The bible tells you not to let your good be evil spoken of. Shame on each of you that condone this type of behavior and my hearts truly go out to your wives or future wives. If you are not truly ready to settle down, then don't get married..... it's that simple!

Guitarlife: I do not blame you at all for having such a parochial view about the whole issue. I blame the american system that has thrown the meaning of the word 'marriage' to the dogs. What I am trying to let you realise is that the dynamics of a dating or engaged scene is different from the marriage scene.
The fact that you do not have a concrete evidence to back up your claim of him cheating and then going ahead to plot how to divorce gives you away as someone who is ill prepared for marriage.
Like I said you are only a product of your system so I guess I wouldn't make much sense to you .
He may have made mistakes or still making mistakes but the point is , do you think the first measure to consider should be divorce ? Divorce should be your last resort because a hurried divorce process lives so much regret in its tail.
Your marriage is only facing a crisis which is a normal phase ask around.
If you chicken out at this point or eveb threaten your husband with that you will regret your action later on especially now that kids are involved.
Your problem is a piece of cake and you need to work on the communication breakdown between you and your husband first and you should be fine.
You work at a marriage so you should anticipate challenges and face them with a positive attitude.
I wish you goodluck in rekindling the lost love of your home.

I do value marriage and don't want it to end, but so many things have to change. God knows how much heart ache I have already endured during this marriage. I just wished he understood whats at stake when he makes decision that might affect our marriage. Thanks for your reply.

Guitarlife: Yep you should fight so hard and keep fighting too because this is a marriage here. For petes sakes you do not even have concrete proof that he is cheating and you are already scheming about how to kick his ar*se to the curb huh ? Who got issues now ? I am not holding brief for him but surprisingly, the responses you are getting here hailing you and giving you the needed impetus to destroy your own marriage have been large one sided and devoid of any form of objectivity.
Most of the married women you will meet on this board go through worse things in their marriages but they are smart enough to always find away to make the marriage ship not to capsize or shipwreck.
The ball is in your court but if I will be objective, have you ever tried to borrow your husbands lense to try and imagine things from his own perspective and maybe that could help.
No marriage is without challenges. Even victoria beckham stuck with her cheating husband same with Clintons wife so what exactly are you on scheming how to divorce your innocent husband course to me he aint been proven guilty jsut yet.

So are you seriously condoning his behavior? Did he not know that he had a wife when he gave out his number? Did he not think of how I might feel about finding out that he took another women dinner. I ask you to look at it from my side. If your wife or girl friend was called out by let's say an ex boyfriend and asked to bring him dinner and she waited good until you left the house to sneak out to go see him and take care of his needs you would not be pissed come on man give me a break you would be pissed too! Marriages have rules that must be followed if you want things to work.

jidegirl12: @cc.. I agree and That'll take a lot of practice to deliver same composure without flaring up herself.

How do you get a stubborn horse to the river? That's a lot of work I tell ya.

Before you say ja the man is up and out the door.... It's draining I can imagine.

You hit it right on the head. It's draining and I am tired of trying to make a man love me. If he does not care that he might loose me why should I fight so hard.

biolabee:

Wowee... The presence of kids complicates things
More baffling is the fact that he has not perfected his naturalisation and he seems to be pissing his wife off

hmm... what i think is first ensure you do not give yourself high bp on this matter

Speak with him as posters have suggested

Also is there any member of his family you are close to AND YOU TRUST CAN BE DISCREET

if there is, sound out the fellow and you may get feelers of what is going on...

I have spoken with his family members that I am close to and they are all very ashamed of his behavior. The kids are a huge issue because the respect him and love him so much. On the other hand, I can't allow his selfish actions to bring our home down. I love him and would do anything for him, but it just never seems to be enough. Its not fair to keep my children on an emotional roller coaster.

jidegirl12: Talk to him.

Had same discussion with hubby yesterday why Nigerian couples find it difficult to trash things out amicably without one of them bailing out during discussion. Our friends are getting a divorce because of this , both of them are just too stubborn!

Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Anytime that I have attempted to discuss anything with him he shuts down and ignores me for a week or so as punishment. This behavior makes impossible to resolve conflicts if the one party wont talk.

clemcykul: he might be cheatn on u. If he is divorce before its too late

That is what I feel too, but he denies that! He said feeding her was just the Christian thing to do. Haaaaaaahhhaaa! Bull Shit!

yellowpawpaw: An African American married to Nigerian dude, right?

First poster asked very vital questions.
Do u know if he has a family home or if his people r trying to tie him up with somebody?
Has he any kid in Nigeria, whether legit or not?
Pls don't overlook this. Its important.
Did u do the necessary background check before u said "I do"
Getting married to an African man especially Nigerian man in diaspora is not like how u guys will wake up one day and decide to marry, then tell families later.
Also have it at d back of ur mind that few Nigerian men married to u guys marry for love absolutely.
Majority r in it for what they will gain from u and in ur case I don't know. Its only u that can tell.
The cultural diff is so wide.

Thank you for your reply. These things are always in the back of my mind. He came from a very good christian home that taught him morals and how to love but I am afraid that he only married me to get on his feet. Thanks to the USA immigration laws I still have time to pull the plug if I feel he only married me for a green card. His family is very supportive of our marriage and wants us to work things out, but he is not willing to set his pride aside and fight to save his marriage. As long as he continues to feel that his actions were justified things will never be able to be resolved.

LewsTherin: I want my husband to change. I want my wife to change. Bla bla bla. Who said you were flipping perfect?
I'm just ranting by the way.

Seeing as I don't know the whole story, I won't think anything. Your husband could be cheating. Your husband could be very careful about his privacy. Your husband could be really busy at work and to stressed to get busy at home. Your husband could have Attila the Hun as a boss. Your husband could be plain tired of you. Have you asked?

Have you talked to him? Have you tried to find out from him just how stressed he is or are you just assuming he's getting som'n som'n outside?

If you have, and he has no sensible explanation, the you'll get all the right explanations on nairaland.

It is true you don't know that whole story. I have asked him and he feels that nothing is wrong with a married man getting a call from a single lady to take her dinner. Is he her husband? Why does she even has his number and feel comfortable enough to call him, (A MARRIED MAN) to come to her rescue? Why not call her family members? Wrong is wrong and he would not appreciate me being called away by another man to meet his needs. I didn't assume, I asked and he admitted it!

jidegirl12: Talk to him.

Had same discussion with hubby yesterday why Nigerian couples find it difficult to trash things out amicably without one of them bailing out during discussion. Our friends are getting a divorce because of this , both of them are just too stubborn!

I have tried talking to him and he feels justified in his actions. I feel like a marriage must be transparent if its going to work. We are no longer two people but one. Never let your good be evil spoken of.

biolabee: Are you a nigerian couple?

Your profile says you are based in the states

Do you have your in-laws around you and is your relationship with them cordial

Financially, what's the structure in the household like

Do you have kids

He is Nigerian, I have a good relationship with my in-laws but they do not live in the states. We are both employed and our finances are stable. We have 2 children

What would you do if you discovered that your husband went out to buy dinner for another women while you were out? What would you think if your husband worked a lot of late night overtime and then hid his paychecks from you? What would you think if your husband received text late at night and get up and leaves the room? What feel about your husband putting password on all of his electronic devises just to keep you from seeing things. What would you think if your husband didn't touch you sexually for more than 2 weeks. This is the hell I am living in! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE ME!

sunnydayasaba: Rubbish write up, no wonder he's divorced*****mtchewwww*****

I am very sorry that you feel that way, but it is the recipe for a good long lasting marriage/relationship if you can manage to do these things. A women is a man's prize possession and she needs to feel loved and appreciated. This does not just go for the man. A women need to make a man feel loved, appreciated and respected always. A happy wife is a happy life!

Below are 20 wise marriage tips from a man that was recently divorced. You wouldn’t normally think that a divorced man would give good advice on being a husband, but this man has been through enough hardship to know what is worth fighting for:

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1)Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

divorce advice

2)PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3)FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4)ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5)IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6)TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7)NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9)BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10)FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11)BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12)BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13)DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14)GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15)BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16)BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17)NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18)DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19)FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20)ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Source:http://www.viralnova.com/20-marriage-tips/

So many men don't really understand women and why should they? It's difficult to understand something alien to you; there are some lucky ones who grew up with lots of sisters, so for them it will be easier. Many conflicts in marriage arise because men simply can't comprehend their women and women in general. By this, I mean they don't think in the way that women do. They aren't emotionally wired in the same way that women are. God wired women and men differently because of their unique roles.

A man needs to understand that his woman needs his support (just like a good bra). Support and love, love that translates into affection, that when absorbed will be poured over your kids. That's why a hug for no reason will make her day. A kiss that is unexpected. A compliment that isn't asked for. A little bit of romance and LOTS of communication. Communication that's honest and genuine and that we don't have to dig 20 feet for! So make her feel like she can be a better woman - not that she SHOULD be, but that she CAN be even if she doesn't listen to you when you tell her that "It is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place".

Remember that if a million people tell her she looks good and she knows it, she still wants to hear it from you! If she looks fabulous, then tell her! Pay her a compliment. Tell her she looks amazing. Show her that you are attracted to her. If you're asking why your wife doesn't bother about her appearance as much as she used to, it might be because you stopped complementing her as much as YOU used to. If you don't think she looks so great, then be tactful "You look really nice, but I really love you in that purple dress, try it let's see." She will be happy you like the purple one and you took the time to notice, and she will probably not want the stress of changing into something else afterwards anyway.

Men notoriously have trouble remembering important dates and women place special importance on anniversaries, birthdays, Valentines day, Mothers day etc. If you're married, you should know your anniversary. Celebrating an anniversary may seem arbitrary, but if you place any value on your relationship, you're acknowledging that it had a set point in time when it began and you're celebrating that fact because you want to celebrate your relationship as a whole. It's a wonderful thing and you enjoy it and want to share it with the person you love.
That said, every woman is different Every man needs to know how to love his woman. It's essential for a happy and successful relationship. You will end up being in a relationship with a woman who adores you!
If she cries and you don't know why, ask her! Offer her a tissue. Give her a hug. If she's not in a place to talk, make her a drink; tell her you are there for her and let her be for a while until she is ready to talk. Being supportive is how to love a woman.

One of the reasons premarital counselling is important is because it gives single prospective couples a chance to get to understand some of the differences between men and women. It's couples' empowerment. It's like a multipurpose signboard that helps give directions and advice in terrain you're not yet familiar with, bringing clarity to how each views the other in their “oneness”. Premarital counselling based upon sound biblical principles outlines the roles of the husband and wife as they relate to each other and to their prospective children.

Women are not rocket science, just remember, different lotions for different days and different times of day, different styles of undies for different outfits and don't ask her to go and get something from down the road after she has taken off her bra because there are few things in life that feel better than taking of your bra after a long day. Simple!

http://www.naijablazingspot..com/2013/02/all-you-need-to-know-about-bras-pads.html

SniperInADiaper: He has you and doesn't see a need for all that romance stuff..


YOU should try to spice things up some.. Make him naughty.. make him crave you..

Thanks for the advice, but i see very little opportunity when he is always engaged with his laptop,video games or sleeping. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I try to talk to him about how I am feeling but he shows no regard to what I am saying. Thinking that maybe I should just call it quits. A marriage takes two willing participants for it to actually work.

1 year

Thank you for the advice! It makes me even more sad to think that he might be bored after only 2 years. I wish that he would communicate his feelings so that we can work on things together, but a relationship won't repair itself if only 1 participant is interested in getting to the root of the problem. Hope to hear responses from others!

Yes he was here legally on a Visa. I realize that marrying me gave him a permanent benefit, but I really believe that his intentions were legit. Just seems he has gotten TOO comfortable and has forgot how to keep me. Trust me I know where your thoughts are headed, I just pray it was more to our marriage than that.

African American!

It's almost 2 years since I married a Nigerian man. He says that he loves me but makes very little attempt to show me. When we first met there were poems, cards, love notes, just because text during the day.... now nothing! Were home together, but he seems to always be occupied with other things. I am always the first to say I love you or kiss him goodnight. Hugs are very seldom given unless initiated by me. When he is interested in making love its great, but when it's my idea I get some action but very little emotion, which causes me to loose all interest. I have tried to talk to him about my feelings, but he shows very little concern about how I am feeling and would rather ignore, or change my words than to address the problem. I am at a lost at this point. I love my husband with all my heart, but it hurts to think that the feelings for me may never be reciprocated. Any ideas or advice would me helpful at this point.

Women are fragile. Please don't toy with her emotion. All she wants is to be loved. If you don't have time for her or can provide her with the love and attention that she deserves, it's best you be honest and let her go so that she can move on and someone that deserves the type of women that she is. Don't make commitments that you not mature enough to honor just date.