Guitarlife: I do not blame you at all for having such a parochial view about the whole issue. I blame the american system that has thrown the meaning of the word 'marriage' to the dogs. What I am trying to let you realise is that the dynamics of a dating or engaged scene is different from the marriage scene.
The fact that you do not have a concrete evidence to back up your claim of him cheating and then going ahead to plot how to divorce gives you away as someone who is ill prepared for marriage.
Like I said you are only a product of your system so I guess I wouldn't make much sense to you .
He may have made mistakes or still making mistakes but the point is , do you think the first measure to consider should be divorce ? Divorce should be your last resort because a hurried divorce process lives so much regret in its tail.
Your marriage is only facing a crisis which is a normal phase ask around.
If you chicken out at this point or eveb threaten your husband with that you will regret your action later on especially now that kids are involved.
Your problem is a piece of cake and you need to work on the communication breakdown between you and your husband first and you should be fine.
You work at a marriage so you should anticipate challenges and face them with a positive attitude.
I wish you goodluck in rekindling the lost love of your home.

I do value marriage and don't want it to end, but so many things have to change. God knows how much heart ache I have already endured during this marriage. I just wished he understood whats at stake when he makes decision that might affect our marriage. Thanks for your reply.

I normally don't respond to rants like this but I will indulge u guitarlife.

Before u start judging any family matter, u must ask questions and clear all doubts.
Which I did.
It might interest u to do a little background check on her which I did( very unusual of me hence my kind of questions)
U r dealing with a cross border marriage, tell her the truth about d possible things that may cause his rigidity. Explain d cultural diff if u can.
If all coast is clear and the accused is still not cooperating, my dear guitarlife, u have to take the bull by d horn.
I hope u know what that means.


Anyway I don't expect u to know all these cos u r still wearing diaper.
Till u come of age, u can insult all u want.
The coast is very clear for u.

My sister I know ow u feel,i went thru almost d same thing even if mine was later confirmed 2 be false of which urs could also be but I made up my mind 2 stop showing him so much attention

(1)I don't check his phone anymore
(2)I don't bother if e recieves call at late hours(job related)
(3)I don't get upset if e says he will be back late or he will hang out with his friends sometimes I'm even d one that reminds him
(4)I don't get mad at him even when e comes late than expected, i even tell him welcome
(5)I don't get angry when he upsets me
(6)I don't laugh at all his jokes
(7)I don't call him
My dear e was bothered that I wasn't doing ol d things i used 2 do before n that e feels I don't love him anymore n e doesn't want to lose me so he eventually stopped his bad habits n we r fine now....

$wtme:
My sister I know ow u feel,i went thru almost d same thing even if mine was later confirmed 2 be false of which urs could also be but I made up my mind 2 stop showing him so much attention

(1)I don't check his phone anymore
(2)I don't bother if e recieves call at late hours(job related)
(3)I don't get upset if e says he will be back late or he will hang out with his friends sometimes I'm even d one that reminds him
(4)I don't get mad at him even when e comes late than expected, i even tell him welcome
(5)I don't get angry when he upsets me
(6)I don't laugh at all his jokes
(7)I don't call him
My dear e was bothered that I wasn't doing ol d things i used 2 do before n that e feels I don't love him anymore n e doesn't want to lose me so he eventually stopped his bad habits n we r fine now....

I hope yellowpawpaw and OP can both read this. This posters suspicion came back as needless to hit her right in the face. Pray tell, how does she recover the lost times spent worrying and scheming?
The most important thing in a venture is ATTITUDE. You gotta have a positive ATTITUDE cos if you don't whatever you wanna do is a failure but for the OP, SHE ALREADY CAUGHT HER HUSBAND PANTS DOWN(IN HER MIND O). What she is waiting for is for a lady to give him an innocent hug and Wholla! He was caught cheating. I mean check out the title of this thread, ' CAUGHT RED HANDED' she is clearly hallucinating and hoping that day would come.
@YELLOWPAWPAW, its an honourable thing to build up a home in whatever way you can because God himself is the author of marriage so do not be caught on the other side (saying the 'truth' or not) whenever it comes to restoring the sanctity of marriage cos believe me, words are powerful and it is not only the OP that will take to your advice.
Some guests too will borrow a leaf from it.



I am sorry for my outburst @Yellowpaw, you know how this emotion thing works once in a while huh ? *winks*

Guitarlife the marriage and relationship counselor, do tell me, what's on that post that I didn't summarize on mine.
Payback time uh?

It seems u r obsessed with ypp.
U hv been looking for an avenue to hit ypp and it just surfaced. Satisfy d urge very well my dear.
And by d way, stuff ur apology, ypp don't need it.

$wtme:
My sister I know ow u feel,i went thru almost d same thing even if mine was later confirmed 2 be false of which urs could also be but I made up my mind 2 stop showing him so much attention

(1)I don't check his phone anymore
(2)I don't bother if e recieves call at late hours(job related)
(3)I don't get upset if e says he will be back late or he will hang out with his friends sometimes I'm even d one that reminds him
(4)I don't get mad at him even when e comes late than expected, i even tell him welcome
(5)I don't get angry when he upsets me
(6)I don't laugh at all his jokes
(7)I don't call him
My dear e was bothered that I wasn't doing ol d things i used 2 do before n that e feels I don't love him anymore n e doesn't want to lose me so he eventually stopped his bad habits n we r fine now....

Yours stopped because he still wants his marriage, this will not work for everyone ,one person alone cannot make any marriage work.

@OP

I can hang myself (Never)

I can sit him down and talk to him

I can ignore his wayward ways

I can get a divorce

I can go down on my kneels and pray if i feel the relationship is redeemable

byvan:


Yours stopped because he still wants his marriage, this will not work for everyone ,one person alone cannot make any marriage work.

And what makes u think @op husband doesn't need d relationship,we av 2 try every method 2 make d relationship work as far as it doesn't hurt anyone. Whether u like it or not men will definitely get carried away because of d temptations (babes) they see outside n they hurt us(wives) unintentionally cos they feel they already av us in their homes,so we have 2 make them want us.....

Guitarlife: I hope yellowpawpaw and OP can both read this. This posters suspicion came back as needless to hit her right in the face. Pray tell, how does she recover the lost times spent worrying and scheming?
The most important thing in a venture is ATTITUDE. You gotta have a positive ATTITUDE cos if you don't whatever you wanna do is a failure but for the OP, SHE ALREADY CAUGHT HER HUSBAND PANTS DOWN(IN HER MIND O). What she is waiting for is for a lady to give him an innocent hug and Wholla! He was caught cheating. I mean check out the title of this thread, ' CAUGHT RED HANDED' she is clearly hallucinating and hoping that day would come.
@YELLOWPAWPAW, its an honourable thing to build up a home in whatever way you can because God himself is the author of marriage so do not be caught on the other side (saying the 'truth' or not) whenever it comes to restoring the sanctity of marriage cos believe me, words are powerful and it is not only the OP that will take to your advice.
Some guests too will borrow a leaf from it.



I am sorry for my outburst @Yellowpaw, you know how this emotion thing works once in a while huh ? *winks*

You are so right dearie,she hasn't caught him red handed n she as already concluded all those things might not be as bad as she is saying it but I believe there is a solution 2 every problem by God's grace...

These days you don't need to catch red handed to know the person is cheating.so you wait until u see them both in action
You go wait tire.

There are plenty of signs for you to know.

$wtme:



And what makes u think @op husband doesn't need d relationship,we av 2 try every method 2 make d relationship work as far as it doesn't hurt anyone. Whether u like it or not men will definitely get carried away because of d temptations (babes) they see outside n they hurt us(wives) unintentionally cos they feel they already av us in their homes,so we have 2 make them want us.....

It's posts like this that makes me wish I am a man.

if you have sons, please train them properly on what it really means to be a husband and father.

Goodluck with your family.

I thank everyone for your post. This might be meaningless to everyone else, but this is my life, health, heart, and marriage that is being hurt and the pain is so deep. My past has taught me how to love but it has also taught me not to be blind to my surroundings. If he says that he loves me, then he should do everything possible to guard our marriage from outside temptations. I am not a bad looking women and I cater to all his needs as often as he needs so that can't be the issue. Some men are just plain greedy. No wife should have to compete for her own husband attention and love. When we stood before God and our families we made a commitment to each other and there should never be any excuse good enough to sneak around and meet up with other women if your intention are good and you really love your spouse. The bible tells you not to let your good be evil spoken of. Shame on each of you that condone this type of behavior and my hearts truly go out to your wives or future wives. If you are not truly ready to settle down, then don't get married..... it's that simple!

yellowpawpaw: I normally don't respond to rants like this but I will indulge u guitarlife.

Before u start judging any family matter, u must ask questions and clear all doubts.
Which I did.
It might interest u to do a little background check on her which I did( very unusual of me hence my kind of questions)
U r dealing with a cross border marriage, tell her the truth about d possible things that may cause his rigidity. Explain d cultural diff if u can.
If all coast is clear and the accused is still not cooperating, my dear guitarlife, u have to take the bull by d horn.
I hope u know what that means.


Anyway I don't expect u to know all these cos u r still wearing diaper.
Till u come of age, u can insult all u want.
The coast is very clear for u.

Foo.lish post from a very Fool.ish Poster

Duke_Nija:

Foo.lish post from a very Fool.ish Poster

As in ehnnn my brother no be small one

bukatyne:

It's posts like this that makes me wish I am a man.

if you have sons, please train them properly on what it really means to be a husband and father.

Goodluck with your family.

Tnx sis but i no get boys o na girls i get

Duke_Nija:

Foo.lish post from a very Fool.ish Poster

@yellowpawpaw I hope you know Guitarlife is not equal to duke_naija. Your post is an unfortunate post the earlier you saw that the better.
Stop whipping up imaginary e-enemies cos their is non.

$wtme:


Tnx sis but i no get boys o na girls i get

Then train them on the kind of husbands they should marry

The truth is that whatever you do, take, condone, accept, reject from/to their dad is showing them what to accept from their future hubby.

You are the mirror they are look at.

^^ Thank you CC for this post and God bless you. I marvel at your wisdom on settling issues at times

@ Op..so sorry for what you are going through and I feel your pain too. As a woman I can relate with everything you have said.

Had the same experience with my husband too at a particular dwindling time of our lives and after asking the many "whys" questions and there seem to be no headway, I ignored him and focused on myself and the kids. It wasn't easy but I had to do it..I wanted my marriage to work by all means so the question of divorce was out of it. Now I didn't just assume he was cheating but had evidences of which he didn't deny them.

It all paid in the end because not too long after he turned a new leaf and we are past that chapter in our lives.

You can talk to your husband and also be sure he actually is cheating on you before taking any further step.

Above all, pray.

Prayer can change situations.

You are in my thoughts.

chaircover:

Jazzyme, I feel the hurt in your words & I know that you must be feeling very sad at the moment, but I still want to give you hope that there is still a possibility that this is just a blip and can be overcome

Most marriages go through rough times at some point in time, even the very happy marriages so you are not alone, and many marriages that break may have been revived if only for a little more patience and action on the parts of either or both parties.

This man is your husband and at some point you both felt great love for each other and had so many dreams together. He has hurt and offended you, but somehow you are going to have to rise above all that and find a way of getting how you are feeling accorss to him. Its hard, I know because both parties should be ready to make it work, but it has to be done.

First you need to work out WHY! why is he doing this? is this a one off error on his part or he is fed up of the marriage. If he is fed up then why. Is he bored? has he got someone else? is he going through a midlife crisis, does he feel that he needs to prove to himself that he can still be attractive to other women. My dear until you know the whys, you cant really forge forward.

Find a way of reaching through to him and getting him to open up. You are in my thoughts.

I am praying that God can give me the extra skills that could teach me how to get into my husband head. I desire for him to open up to me and tell me whats going on, but his method is to shut down or go into his turtle shell and stay there until he feels he is ready to peak his head out. Unless he is able to face problems head on and learn how to communicate with me, I just don't know how to fix it by myself. If I have a problem or I am upset about something, I take it to him. But when I take it to him he only clams up and does not respond and I am just ignored and punished for at least a week. It just not a healthy environment and I'm tired of all the ups a downs. This happens at least 1 per month. So to avoid the silent treatment, I try to keep every feeling to myself until it becomes too much to bare and then we blow up. If he would just talk to me and hear me I would be willing to do the same for him, but I can't talk by myself.

@jazzme, please take to @wtme and @chairover said, let him be, keep praying for him, ensure your kids are happy no matter what( as a woman, you are endowed with skills, please use it n use it well...). I know as women we want to be loved and needed but sometimes it may not come easily. So, LEAVE HIM, PRAY &FAST FOR HIM amongst others. You may even be shocked that he might say, he felt he wasn't good enuf for you, wished he could do more and didn't know the best way to express his thoughts!!

Above all darl, I will tell the Holy Spirit to comfort u and teach you. Big hugsssssssssssssssss

Someone is cheating and you result in fasting. Keep fasting until you contact HIV..then you proceed to TB Joshua for cure.

If really he is cheating,and you want to go that route of fasting..na you Sabi.

*unfollows thread abeg***

Chillisauce: Someone is cheating and you result in fasting. Keep fasting until you contact HIV..then you proceed to TB Joshua for cure.

If really he is cheating,and you want to go that route of fasting..na you Sabi.

*unfollows thread abeg***

And we are blaming the Pastor that taught women should see cheating as a weakness and pray for cheating husbands.

bukatyne:

Then train them on the kind of husbands they should marry

The truth is that whatever you do, take, condone, accept, reject from/to their dad is showing them what to accept from their future hubby.

You are the mirror they are look at.

Seriously I don't understand u,do u expect me 2 start fighting my husband,or nagging n calling him names in presence of our kids is that what u want d kids 2 see n remember so that they can disrespect their husbands?

Tnx but i will train my children d right way cos violence will not solve anything

If you av a gud advice give it 2 d op who needs it instead of lecturing me on ow 2 train my kids....

$wtme:
My sister I know ow u feel,i went thru almost d same thing even if mine was later confirmed 2 be false of which urs could also be but I made up my mind 2 stop showing him so much attention

(1)I don't check his phone anymore
(2)I don't bother if e recieves call at late hours(job related)
(3)I don't get upset if e says he will be back late or he will hang out with his friends sometimes I'm even d one that reminds him
(4)I don't get mad at him even when e comes late than expected, i even tell him welcome
(5)I don't get angry when he upsets me
(6)I don't laugh at all his jokes
(7)I don't call him
My dear e was bothered that I wasn't doing ol d things i used 2 do before n that e feels I don't love him anymore n e doesn't want to lose me so he eventually stopped his bad habits n we r fine now....

I think your case is very different. You were accusing your husband of things he did not do and CHECKING HIS PHONE!!!!! Her husband is not denying anything. He is saying that he took a woman out to dinner and his wife needs to be okay with that. I think there is a big difference. Don't advice a woman whose husband is wining and dining single women to let it be because you wrongfully accused your husband in the past. Would you as a respectable woman have dinners with single men? Leave the room to respond to text messages etc. To me this is basic respect. The man has no respect for his marriage. I feel doubly sad for the woman and the kids because I have seen cases like this were men want an excuse to sleep with another woman they start to tell themselves that when they married their foreign wives they did so out of desperation. Forgetting that there is no man or woman on earth that will not be tempted but others do not make excuses. They put on their big boy pants and protect the interests of the family.

Looks like he has something to hide. Let him know how his recent actions are making you feel insecure and if things don't changed then please try counselling.
Btw: How did you actually catch him red handed?

jay bee: Looks like he has something to hide. Let him know how his recent actions are making you feel insecure and if things don't changed then please try counselling.
Btw: How did you actually catch him red handed?

Was wondering that too. Opened thread thinking I will see where she caught the husband pants down . . .

Phema:

Was wondering that too. Opened thread thinking I will see where she caught the husband pants down . . .

Found the receipt of the dinner purchased and when i asked him about it he told me who he bought it for.

soul_glo:

I think your case is very different. You were accusing your husband of things he did not do and CHECKING HIS PHONE!!!!! Her husband is not denying anything. He is saying that he took a woman out to dinner and his wife needs to be okay with that. I think there is a big difference. Don't advice a woman whose husband is wining and dining single women to let it be because you wrongfully accused your husband in the past. Would you as a respectable woman have dinners with single men? Leave the room to respond to text messages etc. To me this is basic respect. The man has no respect for his marriage. I feel doubly sad for the woman and the kids because I have seen cases like this were men want an excuse to sleep with another woman they start to tell themselves that when they married their foreign wives they did so out of desperation. Forgetting that there is no man or woman on earth that will not be tempted but others do not make excuses. They put on their big boy pants and protect the interests of the family.

Fine!!! So advice her on what to do

jazzyme:

Found the receipt of the dinner purchased and when i asked him about it he told me who he bought it for.

He told you he bought dinner for his new babe or you added 1+3 together before arriving at 2?
If your dude is blatantly cheating on you whilst doing it to your face like he doesn't give a damn then surely we don't need to be telling you what to do.
A man that loves you and value your relationship will never disrespect you in ya face sort of way so there you go.
No amount of fasting/praying will change someone comfortable with cheating.
Players don't retire they just slow down

jazzyme:

Found the receipt of the dinner purchased and when i asked him about it he told me who he bought it for.

Dont you think if he was cheating, he could have denied and claimed it was his colleague John he took to dinner? At least they dont write names on receipt?