₦airaland Forum

Ifez:
One of the best-written posts I've come across on this forum. 
The story is funny, interesting and very engaging.
The write-up is well-written, punchy, articulate, and rich. It engages the senses and makes it a joyous and sensational reading experience.
Kudos!!!!!!

Looking at your profile, you seem to be a professional writer, as well as in the publishing industry. I am not surprised at all. 

Thanks, Ifez.
However, I can't take credit for a work that isn't mine. The excerpts and blogs you see about FEDDIE GIRL are all written by the author, Nona David. The publishing house I work for acquired the sole right to publish her works starting last August.
I am the book publicist for Bernard Books Publishing, although I posted the works here, on blog sites, etc, I did not actually write them.
I will pass your praise over to the actual author though. And BTW, she's on Facebook should you need more info about her and her work. Alternatively, you can also become a fan of FEDDIE GIRL on Facebook and keep in touch that way.

Thanks for all the kind words!

Joan

Lol!!!
You've got a good sense of humor, Ifez.

SeanT21,
Thanks for reading through. Hope you enjoy the other blogs as well. You can definitely read through excerpts of the main novel, FEDDIE GIRL, just go to the publishers site: Bernard Books Publishing http://bernardbooks.com

Thanks, Vescucci, I'm glad you enjoyed it. You can read actual excerpts of the main novel at http://bernardbooks.com and more blogs at http://feddiegirl..com

Hi Buzzzzz,
Sorry it took me a while to get back to this story, I've been very busy lately. Anyways, I'm here so let's get to work! Lol!

Contnuing from where I left off:

They both train their sights on the sleek black Beemer as it slowly makes its fourth pass on the dark road. The girls make their approach, parting ways to lean on either side of the car, facing the front windows.
The car came to a halts. Betty, on the driver’s side, says, ‘Hi, sugar! Your car is handsome and so are you. What brings you both to these parts?’ She smiles and winks, obviously giving him the classic come-on.

*Okay, first-off you gotta decide if you want to narrate in the present or past tone and stick with your decision. You should go back and rework previous paragraphs accordingly. (I like the sound of the present tense for this story. It somehow makes the whole thing more sinister and suspenseful. It's thrilling!!!)
*Beemer? Haven't heard of this. probably because I'm not so much into flashy cars. However, is spelling supposed to be Beamer? Just check and make sure 

He looked from one girl to the other and back again. The tall one might have been beautiful once, in another life, he thought, but the other one was out rightly ugly. But she did have a nice set of tits and they were on full display as she was leaning over his door. Two birds with one stone. That wasn’t his MO, but variety, they say, is the spice of life. He thought all this within two seconds.

*I love the last sentence. It gives us an idea of the man's inner character--basically sending chills down the readers spine. Great job!!!
*I love the fact that you haven't given us a generic description of the guy yet, cos that helps to add suspense, but at this point, we need to know a little more about this male character. What kind of a guy is he? What does he look like? You don't have to dump all the info of his characterization on us at once, but you can give us little snippets at a time as the story moves along. You could have written (assuming we're still going with present tone):

"He looks from one girl to the other, his black eyes invisible behind midnight shades. He doesn't know if they are mocking or humoring him. "There’s no one else here but me." His hand, dark and beefy like the rest of him, moves to adjust the gold link chain on his neck, then smooths the front of his agbada . "I'm all alone."

"She meant both you and your car," Regina supplies, flashing him a seductive smile. Her boobs jiggle as she speaks. "What's your destination?"

"Oh, okay," he replies with a knowing smile. "I'm just cruising around town." The tall one may have been beautiful once, in another life, he thinks. The other is outright ugly but has nice set of tits that are on full display as she leans over the door.
Two birds with one stone--not exactly his MO, but variety, they say, is the spice of life.

He thinks all these within two seconds.

‘Oh really? Anything you might be looking for, this beautiful night?’ Betty again.
‘Not really. Anything you might wanna offer this beautiful night?’
It’s standard to talk cryptic, like this. Just in case some dirty cop wants to collect the proceeds for the night. But, she thought, this guy ain’t no cop.
‘Well, it’s my and Regina’s business to fulfil the wildest dreams or fantasies of our clients’ She said ‘fantasies’ in an extremely suggestive manner. It only made him more eager to end her life.

*You are constructing dialogue for more than two people in this scene, so you need to use dialogue tags to make us know who said what.
*And if you're gonna add tags, make it interesting.
*Who is your Point-Of-View character? Is it the man or one of the girls? If it's the man, we can't know what Betty or Regina are thinking, unless you wish to use the Omniscient POV.
*Also, if the man is your POV character, we can't know the names of the two girls he just met, until they introduce themselves to him. Think seriously about POV, choose one, and stick with it!
*Show us that these girls are professionals. Don't assume we already know what that means.
*You did a good job of leading up to the promised tension here. Now the reader knows what might come and can decide who to sympathize with--the whores or the sinister guy. Good job here!!

See my re-write below:

[b]"Oh really? Anything you might be looking for this beautiful night?" The tall girl asks, working the tip of her tongue over her bottom lip. Her hand, sporting perfectly manicured nails, brush lightly against his arm. "Anything we can offer you, sugar?"

He sucks in a ragged breath and moves his arm away from her blood-red talons. "No, not really."

He knows it's standard 'professional-escort-procedure' to talk in cryptic notes like they do, just in case some dirty cop wants to collect their proceeds for the night. But somehow, he also knows they perceive no danger from him. They know he ain’t no cop.

"Well, it is the ultimate business of my girlfriend, Regina, and I to fulfill the wildest dreams or fantasies of our clients," Ms. Tall says, rolling the 'fantasy' off her tongue in an extremely suggestive manner. "I'm Betty by the way," she adds and winks again.

He cringes. He hates suggestive remarks. He also hates ladies who wink at men. Betty fails on both counts and that makes him more eager to want to end her life.
[/b]

‘For free?’
‘Of course not, honey. Is there any free meal in this world anymore? Not in these parts I’m sure.’
Oh you’ll be free alright, he thought, you both.
‘How much are we talking about here?’
‘For you sweetie, ten grand. Apiece that is.’
‘It’ll be worth it’ Regina piped in.

*Again, we need dialogue tags here. I'll let you supply these yourself this time.

****By now, you should be able to use the few pointers I've given you so far to re-work the rest of the story. I'm sure you now get the idea of what to look for during the re-draft.****

GOOD LUCK!

@ Oyinda

Lol! So you don't have sympathy for the girl but identify with why her parents would make such a radical decision and ship her off to boarding school in Najia.
I actually agree with you. This is exactly the way it starts: First they become aggressive and start beating-up their classmates. Next, they start smoking cigarettes and weed. Then who knows what next? Guns? It's good that her parents thought of arresting the bad behavior before it becomes much worse. At least sending her to boarding school in Naija will help shape her up. Trust Naija schools--the senior girls will knock sense into her head in no time. Lol!

Lol! Who can predict how parents would react these days?

Bluespice, My Dear, you haven't even read the whole story. You haven't heard the gist about her parents. You can read the earlier stuff at http://feddiegirl..com. Lol!!!

Glad you were tempted. Thanks for your opinion. I'm sure Carlotta appreciates it.

BTW, you've earned a complimentary copy of the main novel, FEDDIE GIRL. Go to http://bernardbooks.com and click on the 'reserve' button. Fill in the information and in the 'comments' section type: Joanpeck/Nairaland/Bluespice.

I will alert our sales dept and they will mail you a free copy when the novel gets published in a few weeks. (Let me know when you've made the reservation!) 

Thanks Bluespice, so you see reason with Carlotta. Lol!

Also see: Feddie Girl's Blogs http://joanpeck.

The novel FEDDIE GIRL is about the experiences and adventures of an American teenager that is enrolled in a Nigerian Federal school.

Reason and motivation to blog about this upcoming novel is to enable readers and fans of the novel get to know the major character personally. The blog is written in the voice and seen through the eyes of this American teenager (Aka Feddie Girl). She communicates directly with her fans and periodically updates interesting bits of information about her personal life and family.

Thanks!
Joan

Also see: Feddie Girl's Blogs http://joanpeck.

The novel FEDDIE GIRL is about the experiences and adventures of an American teenager that is enrolled in a Nigerian Federal school.

Reason and motivation to blog about this upcoming novel is to enable readers and fans of the novel get to know the major character personally. The blog is written in the voice and seen through the eyes of this American teenager (Aka Feddie Girl). She communicates directly with her fans and periodically updates interesting bits of information about her personal life and family.

Thanks!
Joan

[center][size=14pt]Nigeria, West-Africa!!! Why me, ?[/size]

Novel now available!!!

The text below is just a blog. Read excerpts of the actual novel and purchase at https://bernardbooks.com/gpage.html[/center]



So I beat-up on two kids half my age and landed them in the emergency room with cracked ribs.

"What's the big deal?" You ask from the side or your mouth, not letting go of the Nintendo cruiser you clutch in your hands.

Well, the big deal is my parents panicked and catapulted us from the our lovely home in San Francisco to the middle of nowhere in Owasso, Oklahoma. Major downer!

You sip from your soda can. "I still don't get it," you mutter, slurping the drink around in your mouth, "so you relocated to the mid-lands, who gives a poo?"

I have just one question. You ever been to Owasso, Oklahoma?

No?

Then shut the hell up and take my word for it. After living most of my life in 'Frisco, Owasso felt like cowboy land to me. Shoot! They even have cowboys and totally have like, native Indian names for their towns. Osawatomie, Oolagah, Owasso, Okmulgee,

Like, who the hell named these towns? The guys from 'Dukes of Hazard?' [/i]Crazy!!!

Anyways, we moved to Owasso (pronounced 'Owass-ah' by many natives), and I hated my parents for it. They put me in some middle school filled with a bunch of silly kids that know nothing about being cool. Many of them wouldn't even know what a cigarette looked like if it came poking them in the eye.

Bummer!!!

I had no friends. My best friend Sasha was back in 'Frisco dating cute guys and lounging in pools and beaches, sipping slushies and eating ice-cream. Me? I was caged in Owasso, wearing drab clothes to school and eating cafeteria-cooked-crap for lunch. Yuck!!!

Even the extracurricular activities in the school was like, totally booorrriiing! There was no group for aspiring actresses like me. No serious music group with incredible talent like mine. And definitely no musicals or talent shows whatsoever. Instead, they had baseball. Who the heck wants to play baseball?

You give me a reproachful stare. "Baseball is an American fave," you say.

Yeah, yeah, Baseball and the Angels and the Braves and yatty-yatty-yada!!! Give me a break!

So, like, the only kid I identified with at that middle school in Owasso was this guy named Samuel Machiovich. Cool kids in the school nick-named him 'Slinky Sam.'

I was cool, so I called him Slinky Sam too. He was the major and the most widely connected supplier of cigarettes and drugs in the school. I was one of his frequent customers, Lol!!!

"What!!!!" you scream. "Cigarettes? Whatcha go picking up that disgusting habit for?"

First off, smoking is not a disgusting habit, at least, not when you stick to the occasional cigarette. It's when you become addicted and or graduate to reefers that it becomes disgusting--and at whatever age you start doing it.

In my case, I started smoking cigs when I was like, eight? Nine? I forget. But, while in 'Frisco, I only smoked like one or two sticks in three months.

Then we moved to Owasso and I met Slinky Sam and the likes of him. Things quickly took a turn for the worse. I started smoking more frequently, you know, just for relaxation and to let-off steam. I was netting in at about two sticks in three days. Then the urge to smoke became more insistent. Before I knew it, I was smoking a whooping pack of cigs in two weeks! Gawd!!!

Then guess what?

"What?" you ask, all eyes and ears now. (Finally, I've been able to gain your full attention. Lol!)

Okay, so, Slinky Sam totally introduced me to something stronger than just tobacco.

"I knew it!" you yell. "The Slimy naughty person!"

Well, it's not totally his fault. I could have said no if I wanted to. Problem was--I seriously needed something to get my mind off my parents selfish decisions and judgment. Jeez! What do they know about my life?

So, at first, I tried a few kinds of weed, nothing too serious, just harmless grass and stuff. Then one day, Slinky got me the real deal. Marijuana!!!

"Marijuana??!!!" You yell,

Yup, it cost me ten bucks a roll too. Slinky said it was the best weed in town.

"Whatcha do? You smoke it?" You are now at the edge of your seat, perched and staring at me in awe and unbelief.

To be fair to you, the answer is yes! I did smoke the reefer,  We cut classes and went behind the school dumpster during school hours. I took one puff and closed my eyes, hoping to savor the promised freedom the warm smoke would bring.

The next thing I knew, a heavy hand clamped down on my shoulder.

I was busted!!!

By the time I snapped my eyes open, Slinky Sam was nowhere to be found.

You laugh so hard you fall to the floor and roll around. "I told you so!"

Yeah, and honestly, I don't blame ya! That weed-smoking escapade was the last straw for my parents. I got expelled from middle school and three weeks later, I found myself on a plane nosing its way to Nigeria, West-AFRICA!!!

You betcha! I'll be back with more, so hang around!

Lotta Luv,

[i]Carlotta

For more information about this new novel FEDDIE GIRL, visit Bernard Books Publishing https://bernardbooks.com

[center][size=20pt]Jeez! How was I to know?[/size]
Novel coming this July!!![/center]



[b]You’ve been waiting to hear what I did to merit a punishment as extreme as boarding school in Nigeria, AFRICA of all places. Okay, I’m totally gonna tell you. But bear in mind that this happened a long time ago, like when I was twelve.

At that time, I guess I must have been a really frustrated kid, full of angst and bitterness at the failing relationship between my parents.
How was I to know, at that time, that trying to be a punk was not the best of solutions to an impending family divorce?

I was only twelve–duh!!

How was I to know that by letting my rage overtake me, I was gonna hurt other people and myself?
Really, how was I to know
Guess I learned the hard way.

Okay so you still wanna know what I did?


“Spill the beans, Carlotta,” you reply, ready for gossip.


Okey-dokie. But remember, you asked for it!!! Lol!!![/B]

*******

I hated the two kids. They were about half my age, skinny, and obnoxious as hell. They had tiny little noses that seemed turned-up at the end, almost snobbish.

They never shut up, especially the female. She had this annoying way of chanting in a high-pitched voice each time she crossed my path:

“Car-lot-ta! Car-lot-ta!! Carrr-llooot-ttaaaa!!!”

“Enough, already!” I snapped at her one morning. I was in a particularly sore mood and didn’t care much for being pestered.

The li’l kid wouldn’t listen. She kept chanting.

“I said, stop it!” I yelled at her, “or I’m gonna bust your butt!”

The girl shut up. There was a moment of glorious quietness before her male counterpart blurted:

“Watcha gonna do? Car-lot-ta, watcha gonna do?”

I’m gonna totally bust you up, that’s what. “Stop it this minute,” I ordered.

The boy ignored me. I hate being ignored.

His female partner-in-crime joined in again, and this time, she made the mistake of poking me in the chest while she chanted with renewed vigor.

That did it! I lost my temper!

First, I caught hold of one and landed her a resounding blow straight across the cheek. Smack!
Dazed, she fell back and let up. The male wasn’t as easy to deal with. Scrawny legs kicking, little arms flailing, sharp voice wailing; he grabbed my arm and began to pummel with his free hand.

With him I took my time. One accurately measured blow to the side of his chest leveled him.
The female jumped to her feet and charged like a suicidal bull, blindly throwing herself into my stomach. I peeled her off me and smacked her across the face. Again!

She wouldn’t be dislodged that easily.

So I leveled her like I did her mate, landing one extra blow to make sure she stayed down. I considered leaving them there, prone as dead logs, but thought better of it. A ring of excited onlookers had formed around us.

“Here is to the silly taunts on the bus every morning,” I spat. With each word, I kicked-out at the two helpless beings, drawing an extended cry of agony from them.

Finally, I stopped kicking and stood there, heaving with fury, staring down at the two six-year olds I almost reduced to pulps of flesh.
I turned to leave. A path cleared within the ring of other students staring back at me in horror.

One boy hooted and several others joined in. Soon they were booing and chanting and running to go find a teacher. Any teacher. And the school nurse.
The injured six-year-olds lay there on the ground, groaning and crying.

“Did I feel sorry for them?” you ask, shocked beyond belief.

Well, to tell you the truth, I felt kinda satisfied. The two punks had it coming. They certainly did.

And it was totally their own fault.

For more information about the upcoming FEDDIE GIRL novel by Nona David, visit Bernard Books Publishing http://bernardbooks.com

Sure, Buzzzz, I'm glad to help-out any day. I left my e-mail addy on your thread. Holler when you feel like it.

Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it!

Buzzzzz,

Sure, give me a holler at joan.peck@bernardbooks.com and I'll be happy to correspond privately.

I'm glad you're taking well to my critiques. Many writers don't want heavy critiques of their work in a public forum. You must certainly be a guy cos you have the stomach to withstand it.

BTW, are you Crazyboy? Just asking.

Bluespice:
was that who you had in mind?

Okay Buzzzzz, here you go:

He looks dashing in his BMW coupe. He cruises the streets for the third time in the last half hour. Looking, searching, trying to find the right specimen. It’s a dark moonless night and it’s hard to draw attention. His car is black and unassuming in the darkness. But some of the girls still were starting to notice. They mistake his subtle pass for shyness or naïveté. Their undoing. At least for two of them.

*Problem with verb agreement. The clause, "Some of the girls were starting to, " is in the past continuous tense and does not agree with the present-tense tone of the paragraph.
*One too many chopped sentences in the beginning, especially the first two. It makes it read like a poem and gives it a flat monotone. Use a conjunction and turn those into one sentence, then remove superfluous words.
Because of your choice of words, it's hard to figure out that the fifth sentence depends on the preceding one. I would have written: "Though it is a dark and moonless night, and his car is black and unassuming, some of the girls lolling about the street are beginning to notice."
I like the last three sentences. They introduce the first conflict and prime readers up for tension. Good job!!!

‘They always are, the first time,’ said one of the girls[b].[/b]
‘Afterwards, they become raving animals,’ observed another.  They both giggled.

*It's hard to tell what they're talking about. Are they discussing the man's shyness? If yes, include it in the dialogue and make that fact clear. Eg, you could have said: "They always are shy--the first time."
*I marked my additions to your main text in red and bold.

The first girl, Betty, was very tall but still wore impossibly high heels.

*Describing Betty: 'Very tall' is not good enough. Since you want to draw attention to her height by letting us know how ridiculous it is for a girl as tall as she to wear high-heels, you need to give us a specific gauge of her height. Say, 5'7, perhaps? Or Six feet? Be specific here.

Her blouse was really not a blouse at all.

* How come? We need to know why you think so. More description needed here. You could say: "Her blouse was really not a blouse at all, the cloth scraps managed to encase just her bobbing breasts--exposing her smooth shoulders and slim back to public scrutiny." Now, we have an accurate description why one would say Betty's blouse was really not a blouse at all. Something along these lines.

How she managed to get into them, would probably defy the laws of physics.

*Here, you're attributing your adjectival clause (, would probably defy laws of physics.) to the word "How." I doubt if this is grammatically correct. You should attribute that clause to a noun or in your case, to a gerund. E.g you can say: "Her ability [/b]to get into them, " or "[b]The way she got into them, " or something along these lines.

As if that wasn’t enough cause for alarm, she had it slit almost halfway on both sides.

*No need to use 'almost' we still get the idea without it.
* The sentence sounds a little iffy. Why not make it clearer like saying: ", cause for alarm, the skirt was slit halfway down both sides."

She was wearing a low-cut jumper, displaying an enormous cleavage.

* You are using too many simple sentences: "Regina was, " "She had on, " "She had it, " She was wearing, "
These make the prose flat. Spice it up a little.
E.g. You can try: "A low-cut jumper, displaying an enormous cleavage, rode several inches up her midriff and cinched her waist to an impossible 26 inches. With each breath she drew, a shinny belly ring blinked and winked, making it's presence known. The girl looked like a giant eight. She could have been on the cover of Ikebe Super magazine."

‘He’s sure to come around again,’ said Betty. ‘Then we’ll approach him and see if we can coax him out of his shell.’
‘Are you suggesting a tag team?’ Regina.
‘Do you have a problem with that?’
‘No, no. No problem. He seems a big enough catch to reel in. Besides it’s getting late, and I still wanna show up on campus.’
‘Poor you. Why don’t you just try to-’
‘Look, here he comes again!’ interrupted Regina.

*Aren't these characters supposed to be prostitutes or happening campus chicks? You are losing chances for proper characterization by making your dialogue hang limp. People don't just stand at attention like drill soldiers when they converse. They move around and perform little actions. For example, since the girls are supposed to be flashy, Betty could say something and be re-arranging her hair at the same time. Regina could be chewing gum and shaking her head rhythmically as if she was listening to some music that only she could hear. One of them could tug at her blouse and expose more flesh or something. The other could pull her miniskirt down, in a vain attempt to conceal some embarrassing tattoo or birthmark she doesn't want people to see. You get the idea? These little dialogue tags will help bring the characters to life and help your readers identify with them.

I gotta go now. I will tackle the rest of the story at a later time.

Best regards, Mr Buzzzzzz,  (Or is it Ms.??)

Buzzzzzz:

Wow, yes of course!!! You're very correct about the story's target audience. It's also meant as a keepsake for ladies who attended boarding schools in Naija, especially Federal schools, hence the title FEDDIE GIRL.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read.

Oh yes, you sound like a guy. Please reveal yourself,

Lol!!! Catchy title, though

I'm on it!!! How much criticism do you need? Light, Moderate, Heavy?

I must warn you that I'm not a warm and cozy critic. I do not unnecessarily boost writers egos, but I am honest and plain.
If you need heavy critique, I will tell you everything I feel needs attention including the grammar; punctuation; and choice of verbs, adjectives, etc.
Light Critique: I will only tell you how the story reads and whether I like it or not.
Moderate critiquing will be somewhere in-between.

To reciprocate, please check-out my story FEDDIE GIRL, posted in the "Writers: Post your Stories, Scripts, Poems, for feedback" thread. You can critic mine any way you want.

Thanks!