Three friends Rukewe, Oghene and Akpos decided to go for a picnic. Rukewe packs the picnic basket with drinks and sandwiches. Oghene carried the basket and they sets out for the park 10km away. It takes them 2hrs to get there.
When they got to the picnic, Rukewe quickly spread the mat and set out the sandwiches, after checking around Oghene found out Rukewe did not pack the bottle opener with the other things. Then they begged Akpos to make the 4-hour trip to and fro for the opener, “you will finish the sandwiches before I get back” Akpos protested.

“No we wont” assured Rukewe, after some more cajoling from them, Akpos reluctantly set out for the opener. After 5 hours, there was no sign of Akpos. They decided to wait for another 3 hours, still no sign of Akpos.
After waiting on Akpos for more than 8 hours, they were now very hungry and decided to take one sandwich each. As they were about to eat, Akpos popped out from behind a rock screaming “I KNEW YOU’D EAT THE SANDWICH!!! AM NOT GOING AGAIN”!!!
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Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became the mother in-law of her father-law.
Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
"This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather! And you think you have family problems!

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u're welcom...@defcon1

NAME: Akpos
NICK NAMES: Bovi
HOBBIES: Collecting teeth from live lions, catching bullets with bare hands, jumping up and down Mountain Everest
RECORDS: Traveled round the world in a day, fought with a dinosaur and broke its neck, skinned a crocodile alive, held breath under water for 5 years, 6 months, 40 days, 22 hours, 59 minutes & 50 seconds.

GREAT ACHIEVEMENT: Went to heaven to charge my phone, first guy to land on the sun, speak about 10,956 languages.
SILLIEST THING I'VE EVER DONE: Swimming in tsunami.
EMBARRASSING MOMENT: Couldn't kill 100 bears with a single punch, though 99 died & the remaining one is now an slowpoke.
PROUDEST MOMENT: A cobra died after biting me.
SOMETHING ABOUT ME: I don't like bragging.
For more inquiries on Akpos Biography, find us at jokeloaded..com[b][/b]

Student: Aunty, can my mum get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is your mum?
Student: She is 42 years old.
Teacher: Yes, she can!
Student: Can my sister get pregnant?
Teacher: How old is your sister?
Student: She is 19 years old.
Teacher: Yes, she can!
Student: Can i get pregnant?
Teacher: You are just 5years old, so you can't get pregnant.
The boy (Akpos) behind her, that is her classmate poked her and said, I told you, we have nothing to worry about!!! On hearing this, the teacher fainted.
Any idea on what Akpos meant?
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very funny, no worry. i go laugh 4 u 2morow

One day, two brothers were coming back from school and on their way, they saw a used condom and picked it up thinking it was a balloon. When they got home, they showed it to their mother and the following conversation took place:

Mother: In your life, when coming back from school don't you ever pick this type of a thing.

Children: Yes mommy.

Mother: and if i ever see this type of a thing in your hands again, i will beat you mercilessly that day. (she said angrily)

Children: Yes mommy, we would not do it again they both replied in a low and fearful voice. Then the mother took it from them and went to dispose it. Immediately she left, the senior one said to his younger brother, Thank God we did not tell her we drank the ice cream inside.

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ask google

One day, a teacher asked his student to spell the word cow, the following conversation was what took place:
Teacher: kunle stand up and spell cow
Kunle being a naughty and playful student didn't know how to spell or even where to start from in spelling the word. Then he thought of a way to cover himself up in the classroom in other to avoid an embarrassment.
Kunle: Sir, this is not fair ooo, you are telling me to spell cow, why didn't you ask me to spell mosquito instead,..... cow is too big for me to spell. "The whole students in the classroom burst into an uncontrollable laughter including the teacher. "

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There was one man whom had committed many sins and decided to ask for forgiveness from God by confessing to the pastor, the following conversation took place.

Man: am not sure God would ever forgive me because of the kind of sin i had committed.

Pastor: what kind of sin have you committed that makes you think God would never forgive you?

Man: hmmm (sighted), i have slept with many women in this church, so am not sure God would ever forgive me.

Pastor: OK. during our offering period tomorrow, i want you to indicate the woman whom you have had sex with the number of times by making a gun sound like Gbosa and also make sure that you sit at the front row for clear visibility.

Man: ok sir.

NEXT SUNDAY

During the offering period, when the first woman passed him, he made the gun sound like this gbosa gbosa twice indicating that he has had sex with her twice . He did this for almost sixty percent of the women in church. When the pastor daughter passed him, he made the sound like this, gbosa gbosa gbosa gbosa gbosa gbosa gbosa gbosa gbosa gbosa ten times indicating that he has already had sex with like ten times. This act surprised the pastor but he let go. Finally, as the pastor's wife was passing the man, he couldn't count the number of times they have had sex, so he let out the sound in an Ak-47 sound-like, Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee not knowing that she is the pastor's wife indicating that the he have had sex with her numerously and couldn't remember how many times. The pastor couldn't believe his ear and stood up angrily and said God will never forgive you, All the women in the church replied Amen.

Mr 419: Hello, how are you?
Akpos: Fine! Please, who am i speaking with?.
Mr 419: Ha, don't u remember me,who do u know in London that could be calling?.
Akpos: (Sensing a scam & threw in a trap) Ejiro! Is dat u?
Mr 419: Of course, of course, this is Ejiro, i am Ejiro, how come u didn't recognize my voice?.
Akpos: Ejiro! Chei, you are a bad boy o. Your Father died, you didn't even show up or send a letter. O boy, your children go pay you back. You no hear of him death, he was so bitter and full of curses for u.

Mr 419: (Obviously subdued)I didn't hear o!. I would have come.
Akpos: Did u hear your Mother had leprosy?. U didn't hear about that too abi?.
Mr 419: (Now uncomfortable) No, i didn't hear.
Akpos: Na wa o! Your wife foolish too?. I never hear from her since d two of una marry without our blessings!. If Husband no wise, wife no go wise?.
Mr 419: She is fine! I'm sure she'll get across to u. I have an issue to discuss with u.
Akpos: Enhen! Ejiro, you offend me. I send u money make you buy me Hummer Jeep, u disappear. When am i having my money back?. U want make i curse you like your Father. I go pronounce wicked curses on you o.
Mr 419: Dis issue dat i want to say is very important.
Akpos: Shut up!. When u go send money come home?. We sent u to school, clothed you & sent u abroad. U don become 419?. Wey won steal from me, your own friend?. O boy, your Father was right to curse you, you can't escape it if u continue like this.
Mr 419: Don't worry, i will repay you your money. For now, i have an issue to discuss with u.
Akpos: Hahahahaha, look here Mr 419, i no know any Ejiro or anybody 4 London, i just wan teach u lesson.
Mr 419: Whaaaaat!(he exclaims) Mad man, and you have been insulting and wasting ma credit since morning. God go judge u (begins to cry)

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This was a conversation that took place between a pilot and his passengers before take-off:
PILOT: Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this your captain Boniface welcoming you on board of Nigeria airways. we apologize for the four day delay before take off. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village (i.e crashing).
Nigeria airways has an excellent safety record , in fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us. it is with great pleasure; i announce that since starting this year, over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. if our engines are too noisy for you, on passengers request, we can arrange to turn them off!
For our not so religious passengers, we ares the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a GOD. Kindly be seated and fasten your seat belt. for those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your belt to the arm of your chair. ENJOY NIGERIA AIRWAYS!!!!!

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A Lagosian pastor and his driver died in a car crash and went to heaven. Both of them were welcomed, the angel on duty showed the driver a 3-storey duplex of pure gold and said "this is your mansion", he showed the pastor a small wooden shed and said "this is your dwelling place". The pastor ws confused, "i don't understand" he said. why should my driver be giving a golden duplex while all i get is a small wooden shed for the rest of eternity? I have been a faithful preacher for several years on earth. The angel replied, "when you preached, people slept. But whenever your driver drove, people cried to God for help, due to his reckless driving"

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A Nigerian man who makes coffins was on his way to deliver one of the coffins he make for his client when his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he carried the coffin on his head and headed his destination. Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so the challenged him; "hey!!! where are you going with that coffin?" The man being wise knew the policemen wanted to make money off him, so he replied saying "I no like where dem bury me, so i wan go bury myself for another place". The policemen on hearing this fled for their lives.

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One particular Sunday in Lagos, there was this church where the pastor was preaching to the congregation.

Pastor: If you know that your wife is beautiful, come out and sow a wonderful seed. Anyway, people whose wife were beautiful started responding to the pastor's request. Some began dropping N10,000, N20,000, N30,000 and so on, but there was this particular guy that came out, danced round the offering box twice and dropped only N5 which was the smallest domination of money in Nigeria. This act got the pastor's attention and he said to the man;

Pastor: Mr man, is your wife not beautiful, why did you have to drop N5 into the offering box.

Man: Pastor hmm (exclaims and shake his head and also said), if you see my wife pastor, in fact you would give me change.

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A certain man was driving around 1:00am alone in his car when he got to a checkpoint, the policemen stopped him and asked for everything necessary which he provided for them. The policemen had nothing to ask him again, but in other to charge him, one of the policemen said, "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, and also said that if he had an accident and died, who would tell his people?" so the man replied; I'm not alone oh, in fact Jesus Christ, Angel Gabriel, Angel Raphael and Angel Micheal is with me here. The policeman quickly reply saying; "all this people inside your small car? I then charge you for overloading"!!!

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During school hours one day in Warri, a teacher was teaching some students spellings, this was the conversation that took place in the classroom;
Teacher: You boy, spell plantain.
Warri boy: Which one? the ripe or the unripe one?
Teacher: What difference does it make? Just spell plantain
Warri boy: Teasha oh (laughs), If you fry the ripe one, na 'dodo' we dey call am. if you fry the unripe one, na 'chips' we dey call am and if we come roast the am, na 'booli' we dey call am. All of them na plantain. Na which one you want make i spell for you?

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Three business associates, an Igbo man, a Yoruba man and a Chinese man went to eat lunch together at a restaurant, while eating their food, a fly came in through the window and flew to where the Igbo man is but he just waved his hands and chased the fly away. The fly also flew to the Yoruba man but he also chased it away and then it flew towards the Chinese man's ear. After monitoring the fly for sometime, the Chinese man caught the fly and swallowed it immediately. The other men were surprised by his reaction but didn't utter a word. Five minutes later, another fly came in through the window and again flew around the Yoruba man's but he just chased it away. The fly then flew to the Igbo man but this time he didn't chase the fly rather he monitored the fly for sometime and caught it, he then turned to the Chinese man and asked " how much you go buy am?"

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There were four business men as follows, an American, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Nigerian together in a limo zine. The Cuban who had been smoking his Havana cigar threw it out of the of the car after only smoking it half way, the American man was surprised and said "Are you nuts? Do you have any idea how much those are worth in my country?"

The Cuban simply replied, "My country is full of that shit".

The American who doesn't want to be left out pulled off his Gold Leather Rolex watch and threw it out of the window, the Nigerian man was amazed and said "are you crazy?, do you know much those are worth in my country?" The American man replied saying "My country is full of that shit"

Now the Englishman who up to to this point had been ignoring the others, quickly grabbed the Nigerian by the collar, opened the door and threw him out. The Cuban and the American man were confused and both asked "are you nuts, why did you do that?" The Englishman casually replied, "My country is full of that shit"

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!

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There once was a little old man and woman who had been married happily for 75 years. They never kept anything from each other. But, the little old woman had a box in her closet which she told her husband not to look at. He respected her wishes and thought nothing of it.

One day the little old woman got very sick and her husband was afraid she was going to pass on. So while she she was lying in bed he brought her the box she had in the closet. "I think it's time you tell me what this is about",he said to her. He opened the box and found two handmade doilies and N20,000.

The woman started to explain,"My grandmother had a long and happy marriage and before I got married she told me that the secret to a good marriage was to not get mad with your husband, She told me whenever I was mad I should just go and make a doily"

The husbands eyes filled with tears. In their long marriage of 75 years his wife had only been mad at him twice! "And what is the N20,000 for?",he asked. "Oh that's the money I got from selling the doilies"

In the box he also found a little piece of paper with a prayer on it. This is what it read:Lord, Give me the strength to love and care for others, Give me the strength to please them, And also Lord give me the strength to strangle my husband. Amen.

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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report, he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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I noticed something happening at churches in Abuja and decided to check it out. I discovered that young ladies are trying to confuse pastors in churches during sermon.


I went to a church recently and i saw a pastor preaching about repentance and the pastor said " My brothers and sister you have to be a born again to enter into the kingdom of GOD" so the pastor noticed one lady with short skirt siting on a front side, so the pastor was tempted but he couldn't look below her skirt because she was below and he was above (at the altar) so he turned the preaching into something that would make him bend down, then he continued saying "Abraham was a man of GOD, he was asked to look into the future by GOD, so Abraham bend down and looked into the future" then i saw the Pastor demonstrating how Abraham bend down in the front of the lady with short skirt and he said "the future was not clear when Abraham bend down, but GOD told Abraham to bend down again and look into the future and this time the future was clear".

What do you think the pastor meant by saying "the future was clear".....?

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Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, Alhaji Abubakar Atiku and Senator David Mark was on the same plane and Obasanjo looked through his side window and said if i drop one note of N1,000, i would make one person happy, Atiku also looked through his side mirror and said if i drop two notes of N500, i would make two

people happy, David mark also followed and looked at his side mirror and said if i drop five notes of N200, i would make five people happy. Then the pilot driving the plane heard them and said in his mind if i drop three of you, i would make 140,003,542 million Nigerians happy. Who do you think would make nigerians happiest the most?

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