₦airaland Forum

Thanks to everyone for the response. I hope she's able to make the best choice for herself. It's funny how she's turned down 2 marriage proposals just because of the fantasy of being with this same guy

Lengthy post alert!

"My name is Brenda, I met the father of my child 3 years ago in the UK. We are both from Ghana but different tribes. I was a bit reluctant when he asked me out for a relationship based on the difference in tribe.

He was always particular about sex whenever he visited and it used to piss me off, I eventually gave in one time and didn't realize it would lead to pregnancy. He left even before I found out about it to be with a woman who is ready to give him sex according to him.

He suggested abortion after I told him about it but I declined because it wasn't something I could go ahead with.
Long story short, I got my Canadian visitor visa and told him I'll like to have the baby there which we both agreed to.

I had my baby in Canada and had to move to Ghana to get extra help with the baby since he has repeatedly told me he isn't interested in getting married to me, our child is 18 months now and his parents have not called me or my parents to acknowledge the child. He said there's nothing he can do because he has given his parents my mum's number, it's up to them to reach out or not.
The only thing he does is that he sends money for the child's upkeep.

Luckily I got my Canadian Permanent residence visa and plan to relocate soon, I've  been encouraging him to move to Canada with me so we can raise our child together, but he will say he cannot, why do I need to marry him to bring him to Canada when we already have a child together. The marriage is a trap etc

He got involved with a British woman who later reported him to police for kidnapping, it was around this time one of his brothers reached out to me for the first time.

I think this affected the outcome of his post study visa as he was denied and asked to leave, now he is saying God has answered my prayer of us being together to raise our baby. I am still in Ghana and he wants to come do the proper thing

Will I be wicked to say I don't want marriage with him anymore? There's no friendship between us, no romantic vibes, he talks harshly to me when angry. What kind of marriage am I going to have with him when I know we aren't compatible. Yet, he will either have to become illegal or be comdemed to Ghana if I tell him no.

I've always known about the incompatibility, I just sometimes think about the few good things he did and the fear of having kids for more than one man"

[quote author=sirabbey post=133843349][/quote]Thank you 🙏
Pls between Winnipeg and Ottawa, which is better to settle down on a budget?

ednut1:
6 to 12 months

Thank you 🙏

Hello everyone. I am a Canadian PR and I plan to travel to go marry my husband and bring him in, I really have no idea how long it will take to have his papers processed so he'd be able to join me. Pls what is the typical timeline for a PRs spouse to join them? And can I apply for him immediately after the court wedding? Thanks all

ZIMDRILL:
you nailed it on the attraction part, it is the attraction that makes want to make love your partner and if its not there from the begining, then you are in trouble becoz marriage or just leaving together has expectations and regular sex is one of them and if you dont feel attracted to your partner it would be a big issue

if your partner is not attractive to you, you have higher chances to cheat with someone you find attractive
People dont know that, sex is painful especially for women if she is not attracted to you it means she would be dry down there, eventually she will hate sex and eventually not like to be touched by the same person who was marriage material who is now hubby

you nailed it on the attraction part, it is the attraction that makes want to make love your partner and if its not there from the begining, then you are in trouble becoz marriage or just leaving together has expectations and regular sex is one of them and if you dont feel attracted to your partner it would be a big issue

if your partner is attractive to you, you have higher chances to cheat with someone you find attractive

People dont share relevent information to young one or those wishing to marry. sex becames painful to woman if she is not attracted to the person, she would be dry down there the more she has dry sex the more she will hurt and hate sex

Sex start in the mind (being triggered by attraction) the body gets ready through different parts and precum is produced down there for easy penetraction

if you take out the attraction that woman will suffer and usually the other partner has no idea him he wiill just wanting his regular sex

And the woman will start finding excuses becoz sex is painful

Thank you. I am not big on sex too, if I want it then it has to be with someone I am attracted to. Our sex life will suffer if I go ahead

optm:
@op watch this clip by pastor kingsley okonkwo, it would help you decide better
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sjfBnjAF2I

Thank you

akinade28:
Disclaimer: I'm not married and I'm approaching my 30s. But I have had to let go of guys because of the reasons you mentioned. I cannot imagine myself getting married to a guy I'm not attracted to or vice versa. Why should I suffer someone's son because of my selfish reasons.
Sis, don't just consider what the man has to offer you (husband material and money). Also, consider what you want to offer the man. Marriage should be based on selflessness, not selfishness.
Attraction is also important in marriage. Don't marry someone you are not attracted to or admire. Attraction is important for good sex
life. You will suffer yourself and the man.
I'm tired of seeing threads of men complaining about their wives denying them sex, cheating or disrespecting them.

Thank you

irijuola:
Personally, I think the most important thing to consider is “Do you see him as someone you can submit to?” Can you respect him? Cos even if he’s showing you all the love now and you eventually agree to marry him, he’s rightfully entitled to respect.
If you feel you can’t submit to him, please don’t marry him

Yes

Vision101:
I don't get it. Is it that he's not attracted to you or you are not attracted to him?

He is very attracted to me, it's me that don't find him attractive

2Radii:
But u re funny ooh, u never gree for person and u re sayin he hasn't asked for sex, no be wen u gree for him he go ask??

Imagine me asking you out and simultaneously asking for sex when u have not even given me the assurance if u wil give in or not .


Sister wait fess, gree for am fess before u know if he's principled not to ask for sex or not

I know what I am saying, he's been to my place few times, I've been to his place too. He could have done it if he wanted to

2Radii:
Hmmm

I understand u sister mi.

One tin i have learnt first-hand in this life is that, the person whom you desire would not always be with u. Tho not all people.

My wife is beautiful more than i am, beautiful like a model but i only like her as friend, not the other way round, did i tell u that atimes we go a month straight without sex.. i am not exagerating sister. I am not attracted to her

BUT.. A NO DEY JOKE WITH HER WITH ANYBODY MA, AHH NOOO.. DO U KNOW WHY?? EVEN SINCE I KNOW HER I HAVE NEVER RETROGRESSED(unlike the other two which i dated earlier)

I guess you and your wife are both not big on sex. What if he is? He hasn't asked for sex and I don't think he will until we are married. He is a principled Christian

ozonechrome:
Had to log in to reply your post.

It's best to marry a man that loves you than a man you love as a woman.

A man that loves you wants to make you happy and it's natural for women to respond to attention, love protection and provision from.

If you go after a man you love, you will be trying to make him happy which will not give you the satisfaction you need as a woman.

I've been married to someone I love before and it ended badly.
I'm currently in a serious relationship with someone I had zero feelings for and he wasn't my type.

Took me months to consider this relationship and this makes him want to do more to prove he's the man for me.
Now I have feelings for him.

It's the order of things for men to chase women not the other way round.

Thank you so much. I have nothing to show for the past relationships where I had feelings for my partners, like you said, I was the one proving the love in most cases.

.

I am presently in a shitty situation and I need recommendations.
I started the PR route a while ago and my husband grudgingly accepted to be added unaccompanied because he has a good job here in Nigeria and he doesn't want to relocate permanently. I added him after my AOR.
Things got so sour after the wedding and he asked for a separation and subsequently a divorce. I wanted to report our separation to ircc before they request for any ADRs regarding adding him, but I didn't because I had no legal document to prove my point at the time.
I have gotten PPR now and sent my passport as well, the divorce is getting finalized soon and I don't know if I should tell ircc at this point because I want to avoid misinterpretation.
What if the divorce get finalized around the time I get my COPR?
How will that affect my application? I've read it's likely they cancel my PPR and re issue another one.
Will the divorce have a negative effect on whether I get a new PPR or not? How long will it take to get a new PPR? Will there be request for any ADRs?
He has threatened to report our separation to ircc if I don't, and I'm wondering if he has any right to call or mail ircc on behalf of my application. It's so messed up

I have many questions, sorry

.

Sassy256:
Have not experienced that but Just go ahead and take a test.

Thank you. I'll take a test if the next one doesn't come on time

Hi mamas. I want to ask if there's anyone that got their first period and found out the second month that they are pregnant?
This is weird, but three of my friends that are already moms said I looked pregnant, but I got my period for this month, one of them said it isn't unusual not to miss the first period.
My next is in few days and I have been having sore breast, I feel completely sick now. Tho I am counting down to the day the next period will come before I know what next to do.

Ahmed0336:
If your husband is not matured enough, don't tell him about your relationship with your mom to avoid see finish.

Since your mom is a mood spoiler, cut all communications with her except she reach out.

Try and help your siblings when you can.

You'd be fine.

I don't plan on doing that even if he is the most mature person, I'll avoid telling my mum about him too. I know her too well to use any info against him, she's already downtalking him with the few she knows.
She spoils my mood so much by getting into my head, this isn't good for my marriage because I sometimes won't stop thinking about what she has said about him, all aren't true as far as I know.

frozen70:
You have tried to love her but it wasn't working from day one

So the best thing to do is to move on and keep moving on

Base on the above, you must as a matter of fact love your children so that they don't experience what you went through

Then be watchful because, those your siblings that she loves more, will want to get informations about you and pass to her

Live a quiet life and keep your good news to yourself

Loves uoir husband more and his family because they may be the one that shows you love

As for your siblings, if you can help them when the ask for help

Pls do, if it's something that you can do

Thank you so much. It is a promise to myself, I will be the best possible friend to my children. I see few of my friends that has this genuine friendship with their mums and I wish I have that too.
My siblings and I are really cool, we are all still young and we love each other.
I love my husband but I'll try to keep any information regarding him far from my mum, the little my mum knows about him is what she keeps using against him, I hope her several downtalking him will not make me react in a negative manner towards him as time goes on. He's a good person.

Growing up, I never got the chance to have that emotional bond or connection to my mum. I remember her constantly talking me down in her own way, showed me in a subtle way that she loves my younger siblings more.

I am all grown now and nothing has changed, she is someone that has no control over her emotions. She seems to be in a good mood now and before you know it she's in a bad mood and transmit that to people around her, me in particular.

I have prayed so much for the day I'll leave her house and God answered my prayer. I relocated abroad few weeks back and I thought that would be enough to put an end to the emotional trauma. I got off the phone with her earlier today and her talks were full of insult.
She keeps calling me and my husband lazy, asking why we are the only one that hasn't gotten a job yet, she sited an example of someone that relocated around same time that I've gotten one. She won't stop spoiling my mood.
I have tried so much to build a relationship between us but it keep falling on dead end. I am her first born and I remember she doesn't quite like my dad(until he died and he left her properties), I don't want to start going into many details of how I have come to the point where I have eventually zoned out of any connection with her. I basically now see her as just the woman that gave birth to me, I cannot relate when I read sweet stories of adults that have genuine relationship and friendship with their mums.

Has anyone gotten to this point with either of their parents? What do I do? Is it okay not to feel any emotions towards my mum?

vivaciousvivi:
May God bless your impending union, may He bless the work of your hands and may all your dreams, Hopes and wishes for your future come to glorious fruition. Keep being focused, save money like hell and protect your mental and emotional health as much as possible - plan properly and move out as soon as you can.

Thank you so much

Heathrow44:
Me 2 im experiencing same,i'm moving out 2 lagos afta my service,a bt idk wat t do wen i get t Lagos though?no startup

So sorry.

AmuEbule:
I think your mum is frustrated about something that you are unable to decode yet. She is taking it out on you because there's no one to pick on. Some parents are unable to even understand how much they damage their kids self esteem and this is really sad, in your case.
My advice for you is to see these insults as a challenge or motivation to be a better person because it will not really stop anytime soon.

I wonder why she doesn't take it out on my younger ones as much as she does on me. I've always had this feeling that I'm her least favorite child.

lomprico:
what of your dad?

He is late

MummyD2020:
Meaning she was doing it without realising she was hurting u. Hmmmmm. U have a point that leaving is the ultimate solution. I pray the partner doesnt treat her bad becos of it.

He is actually a good person, unfortunately my mum has refused to see beyond his 'government worker' pocket.

MummyD2020:
Ofcourse, she is leaving the house to protect her mental health when she might not be well quipped to do so. Thats the irony of life. Pressures like these is what makes one decide to marry and then, fall into wrong hands.

I am equipped to leave, I didn't talk about my finances cos this thread isn't about that. I have everything it takes to start up. And the marriage isn't something that I am doing out of rush too.

TheSociopath:
I like the way your writing is flawless. Are you done with school? No mention of school result, corporate job search, etc

Yes. I didn't like the corporate job so I left

Asiseeit:
Yes, and do referral services. Any customer that brings 3,4,5 customers to you, gets 1 free sewing

This is a nice one

Kenechukwu98:
My dear take it or leave it most frustrating moment of any man or woman sometimes na our mothers they causes them especially to the male counterparts.. Thereby putting some to the wrong part the only advice I have for you is to relocate ooo I has a friend na so his mother go dey nag am everything he does irritates her to the extent the guy come dey ask me weather na em mama truly born am.. Fast forward this year he want to arraign with me as in staying my side so we go put head together put am to his endeavors since January he left my side cos he dol find new apartment dey manage em self... Anytime he travel back home na so d mama go make boost of him my dear relocate small make dey find you then you'll see what am telling you... Yur respect go dey for you unlike before..

Thank you I'll do the needful soon enough

Olayetan:
She will regret if she moves out at this point of her life cux she has no sustainable means.

I intentionally didn't talk about my finances in the post because I didn't create the thread to talk about that. I'm in a good place financially. Thanks for your concern.

saintruky:
Ma dear don't rush into marriage cos of ya mom... So u don't end up like her someday...

Fact ur mom sees u home everyday being idle n eating all her foods coupled with d fact something must have led to ur birth is d reason she's like that towards u... At this juncture i can't advise u sit n talk with her... Rather I'd advise thus;

Since u have d finance to rent a room n parlour.. I'll suggest u look for a low-cost store to rent, then find a 2nd hand manual sewing machine to buy, get an iron n table then commence ur fashion job.. like someone said earlier, charge a lil less but be sure u are good at d art of fashion... As a starter ur jobs done will sell u...

If i may, wetin ur fiancé dey talk about the whole issue?

Thank you. I already have all the necessary machines and everything I need to start up. I have my own money as well, but I don't want to let my fiancé in on all of these because I don't want him to have a feeling that my mum doesn't like him.