₦airaland Forum

crazo:
kingofcasting your idea of fun ain't really funny

TheBlessedMAN:
you have really worked hard all your life, and its only people that are so determined and headstrong like you that can really make it this far in life. I really have to applaud you dude...

Congrats to u for taking your stupidity to a global stage.

Congrats to u for showing us the perfect definition of an Adultic Nuisance.

Gawd! You are truly and specially endowed with a very rare breed of Stewpidity.

You are the perfect definition of an Absolute fool.

Just keep it up and you might end up making it to front page as The most craziest idiot on NL and the latest 21st century FOOL.

Emekus92:
When I saw followed topics 2. I chk wat the update was then I saw u were d 1 dat did d post I ws just laughing saying in my mind dis idiot is here again and I wasn't wrong u did wat u do best. Weldone

TheBlessedMAN:
2.

"Will you just for once in your miserable life, just do as you are told and Back off!?". The lady said, amid anger and with the rate at which she was fumming now, am not sure, if she can take another 2mins of my friends stubborness.


"I just want.. Want...want to knw".


"you don't want to know any damn thing about me, loser, all you are interested in is how you are going to satisfy your stewpid sexual urge..". She retorted,but no, Jide is not ready to give up either, the arguement was starting to get very tensed, and am afraid the ending might not be pleasant atall. The lady was now walking away, so, i quickly went to my friend and tried to speak some sense into him.

"hey". I said tapping him by the shoulder as he watched the lady walking very fast down the untarred road "the, lady said to Back off. Just give up already, its getting up to 3hrs now. no be every lady can be as gullible as Blessing, just as you dey always tag her. So, guy, unless, you want to suffer another round of embarrasment, then you can go after her".


"what are you saying? That i should just let her go? Now that am very close to getting her". He replied rhetorically.

"ogbeni, u are not close to anything, the only thing you are close to here, is getting slapped".

"she can't do that, and for your info, am not backing off, not until i atleast get her number and residence". He replied walking away.


"why not also get her Birth certificate? U this glorified idiot." i fired back at him, cos i was already getting more angry at his stubborness.

"na u sabi. Call me whatever, i wil make sure i get her". With that determination, he took off, and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. I also followed suit, and fortunately for us, we catch up with her, as she was about to enter an Hairdressing salon. I was damn tired after the whole 200meters run, so was my friend. We were both sweating hard. I stopped a few distance behind the salon as i keenly view from there, hoping Jide doesn't get into trouble.

After 2mins, i watched as the lady gave my Friend a resounding slap. I hastily rushed down there to know what went wrong.


"did you just slapped me?". Jide cried out,holding his cheeks. That looks like a very dumb question.


"nope, i didn't, i only used my left hand to straighten that cheeks of yours, and worst will still happen if you don't back off now". She replied him angrily and entered the salon.


*****

"Jide, take heart o, infact, na Gawd go judge am,". I said, trying to comfort him for the humiliation he suffered back there.


"ah, emi (me) Darous, emi, me,(he was beating his chest rapidly) almighty Jendor? She go pay o. I swear on my fathers grave, she go pay". He cursed angrily.


"she go pay?".

"yes, i promise you that"


" did you gave her your bank account?".


"Darous, no whyne me o, i dey vex".


"who u dey vex give? Na me slap u ni, abi u b born idiot, when that b*tch dey dash u slap, why u no vex? U wan dey vex for me, na thunder go fire u and your stupid vex."

"No vex abeg, u suppose understand now".


"the only thing i understand is that, her slap sent your memory back to factory settings. So i am greatful to her for that."


"ok, i know say i fork up, but it was also wröng of her to raise up her hands against man. So she will pay for that".

Through out our journey home, Jide could not stop rubbing his cheeks, he was busy lamenting, how he will make her pay for what she did.
I just hissed and went straight to my room, i laid on the bed thinking of how i will tidy my girlfriend's sister, the next day.


T.b.c. Feel free to point out corrections. The Thunders are on hold for now.

TheBlessedMAN:
2.

"Will you just for once in your miserable life, just do as you are told and Back off!?". The lady said, amid anger and with the rate at which she was fumming now, am not sure, if she can take another 2mins of my friends stubborness.


"I just want.. Want...want to knw".


"you don't want to know any damn thing about me, loser, all you are interested in is how you are going to satisfy your stewpid sexual urge..". She retorted,but no, Jide is not ready to give up either, the arguement was starting to get very tensed, and am afraid the ending might not be pleasant atall. The lady was now walking away, so, i quickly went to my friend and tried to speak some sense into him.

"hey". I said tapping him by the shoulder as he watched the lady walking very fast down the untarred road "the, lady said to Back off. Just give up already, its getting up to 3hrs now. no be every lady can be as gullible as Blessing, just as you dey always tag her. So, guy, unless, you want to suffer another round of embarrasment, then you can go after her".


"what are you saying? That i should just let her go? Now that am very close to getting her". He replied rhetorically.

"ogbeni, u are not close to anything, the only thing you are close to here, is getting slapped".

"she can't do that, and for your info, am not backing off, not until i atleast get her number and residence". He replied walking away.


"why not also get her Birth certificate? U this glorified idiot." i fired back at him, cos i was already getting more angry at his stubborness.

"na u sabi. Call me whatever, i wil make sure i get her". With that determination, he took off, and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. I also followed suit, and fortunately for us, we catch up with her, as she was about to enter an Hairdressing salon. I was damn tired after the whole 200meters run, so was my friend. We were both sweating hard. I stopped a few distance behind the salon as i keenly view from there, hoping Jide doesn't get into trouble.

After 2mins, i watched as the lady gave my Friend a resounding slap. I hastily rushed down there to know what went wrong.


"did you just slapped me?". Jide cried out,holding his cheeks. That looks like a very dumb question.


"nope, i didn't, i only used my left hand to straighten that cheeks of yours, and worst will still happen if you don't back off now". She replied him angrily and entered the salon.


*****

"Jide, take heart o, infact, na Gawd go judge am,". I said, trying to comfort him for the humiliation he suffered back there.


"ah, emi (me) Darous, emi, me,(he was beating his chest rapidly) almighty Jendor? She go pay o. I swear on my fathers grave, she go pay". He cursed angrily.


"she go pay?".

"yes, i promise you that"


" did you gave her your bank account?".


"Darous, no whyne me o, i dey vex".


"who u dey vex give? Na me slap u ni, abi u b born idiot, when that b*tch dey dash u slap, why u no vex? U wan dey vex for me, na thunder go fire u and your stupid vex."

"No vex abeg, u suppose understand now".


"the only thing i understand is that, her slap sent your memory back to factory settings. So i am greatful to her for that."


"ok, i know say i fork up, but it was also wröng of her to raise up her hands against man. So she will pay for that".

Through out our journey home, Jide could not stop rubbing his cheeks, he was busy lamenting, how he will make her pay for what she did.
I just hissed and went straight to my room, i laid on the bed thinking of how i will tidy my girlfriend's sister, the next day.


T.b.c. Feel free to point out corrections. The Thunders are on hold for now.

TheBlessedMAN:
1."Please will you stop bothering me and back off?". She turned back swiftly with anger written boldly in capital letters on her beautiful face.


Jide, (my friend) will not stop bothering this beautiful damsel, we saw at an eatery some few hours ago.

We were both sitting down, waching the highlights of the Epl matches that were played in the previous weekend on the giant plasma tv hanged at one corner of the resturant.

All of a sudden, Jide's attention was turned to the entrance, and with the familiar expression written on his face, i instantly had a hint of what he was glaring at, as also i followed his gaze towards the entrance.

To be sincere, this girl fine pas any natural creature ever created by God, and am not suprised Jide was already drooling all over by just seeing her.

Almost all the attention of all the guys, in the eatery are now registering on this beautiful lady.

JIDE, being the, 'no dulling' type quickly tapped me and asked me to hurry up, so i hesitantly gulped down the remaining malt in the cup, and asked the waiters to come over. I paid her, and we both made for the exit.

Once we were outside, Jide said we should wait a bit.

"Darous, abeg, lets wait for that girl".he said, pointing inside towards the direction of the lady.

"why? No tell me say, you wan toast her".

"no, i no toast her, i wan tidy her, u know me na, i no dey dull.. As i don see her, wen she waka inside, na in my spirit don dey tel me say, 'arise son, here comes your Life partner', so o boy, i no fit dull this one".


"so make i leave am for you be that abi".


"Gawd, na why i like you be that.. U sharp no be small". He replied and playfully choping knuckle with me.

All this while, the lady was almost through with one of the waiters she was talking with, and immediately she stepped out of the eatery, i instantly know that, she's not in anyway, in our Level.
Talk of her expensive dressing and exquisite taste in fashion, she truly is way above us.

Knowing the type of friend i have, i told him to let us go,


"ogbeni, make we dey go, u no fit toast this girl".

"why?".


"you blind ni? U no see her taste? See her dressing na, (the lady is now trekking away) thank Gawd self, she don dey go.. So make we dey go before security come pack us".


"Darous, leave me jor, if she like make she go enter lagoon, i go follow her". With that, he started running towards the direction the lady trekked, i had no choice than to follow him.


*****


" i just wanna talk to you bae, nothing much, i just want to know you". Jide replied her, he flashed her his charming dentition, which on a normal day, will have an instant effect on the lady, but with today turning out to be an abnormal one, and instead the lady was becoming more irritated with my friends sturborness.


"You seriously don't need to know any damn thing about me, ".

"why?". Jide asked.


"well, as you can see, (she raised up her left hand, and waved it at Jide's face) am already taken". She concluded and turns to go.


"wait, pls,", he tries to hold her, but she quickly avoids his snatchy hands, "can i atleast, know your name?". He asked.


"No! You cant".

"why?".


"Nothing, just leave me be".


"okay". He was rubbing his head with his hand, maybe trying to come up with another logic,

"what about your favourite school?" . I can't help but laugh at my friend's dumb attempt to stop this frustrated lady from walking away.


"Its obvious that you are the dumbest guy have ever met, and behind that handsome face lies a very dull brain". She hisses and started walking away.

I thought that will stop this arsene wenger friend of mine from following her, but i was wrong, immediately he recovered from the shock of her last words, he started running after her.


T.b.c

Chumzypinky:
Dedicated to my Dearest Darling, Saraphina...

CHAPTER THREE.
Shivani pursed her lips 'i seriously do not understand what you're trying to imply mum'

Chief Mrs Oke smiled 'if only you would just pay attention honey, you'll understand what i'm trying to say. What i'm saying is that, you'll be getting married to the crown prince of our land, the Igwe-to be. Crown prince Dike 1 of our great community, isnt that wonderful?' Her mother laughed proudly.

Shivani looked at her sister first, then back to her mum 'are you serious mum?'

'of course dear! Preparations has been made, you get married in 5days'

'i just hope you're kidding' Shivani looked at her younger sister again 'Mia, whats mum talking about? I hope she's kiddin'?' Her heart was pounding now. No, this couldnt happen, not when she had Choudhary, not when she and Choudhary had plans of getting married immediately she returned back to the states.

'Shivani' Mia muttered not able to say anything more than that. She wasnt happy with the way things were going. She knew her sister wasnt going to like this. And she had told her mother before Shivani arrived from the states. She knew Shivani would never like this.

'arent you happy dear?' their mother asked 'arent you happy to be married to the richest man here in Umuzulu? Dike's not only the crown prince of this town, but he has one of the biggest business empires in the state. He's very wealthy. And he's just 28. Very successful. Imagine when he becomes the Igwe, ruling this community and controlling his business. I tell you honey, you'll be swimming in wealth'

'how many wives has he?' Shivani blurted out.

'six. You'll be the seventh and the last dear'

'what?! Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?' Shivani stood up from her chair as if it burnt her behind.

'whats that Shivani?' her mother looked at her 'why did you get up that day? Did something sting you?'

'yes. Your words stung me mum. Are you actually telling me that you expect me, Shivani Oke Williams, to get married to a man who's already married to six wives? Seriously mum? Whats that?'

'arent you happy? Are you looking at the wives he already has or the prestige and money and comfort that would come with marrying him?'

'mum, this is crazy!'

'Shivani! Sit your behind here right now and let me talk sense into you!' The Chief said, her eyes blazing with anger.

'mum no! I actually cant believe you summoned for my return because of this crap. I'm not getting married to anyone else mum. I'm engaged to be married to someone else abroad!'

'i beg your pardon?' Chief looked at Mia 'what did you say?'

'you heard me mum. I'm engaged. That was actually the main reason i honoured your summon. So i could tell you about my marriage plans'

'you aint being serious are you?'

Shivani bit her lower lip and crossed her hand below her breasts as she turned to Mia.

'Mia, dont tell me you were actually aware of this and you didnt tell me?' Chief looked at her youngest daughter.

Mia looked down 'i tried to let you know but you insisted that your eldest daughter was going to be a Lolo whether the devil approves of it or not'

'just shut your useless filthy mouth you foolish child of the devil!' Chief cursed as she rose on her feet 'sometimes, i actually cant help but think that you were cursed right from conception. How can you tell me that? What stopped you from telling me that your sister is engaged to a good-for-nothing godforsaken riff-raff outside the country, huh?'

Shivani raised a brow 'mum? Did you just call my fiance those names? Someone you do no even know? Someone you've not even met? Seriously?'

'yes, seriously. No man can ever match up Dike Onuora Ikemba. Any man thats not him is useless!'

'i wont allow you speak to my fiance in such a demeaning manner. You've not met Choudhary, neither have i met your Dike. I wont be able to tell who's better than who, but whatever, i love Choudhary and he's the one i'm getting married to, be him better than Dike or not'

'who are you to make decisions for yourself without your mother's consent?' Chief asked fuming.

'i dont understand you mum, does it mean i cant make decisions for myself as an adult?'

'not when i'm not in support of it Shivani. Shivani, i am your mother, i birthed you. And i'll never lead you astray. You never know the prestige that comes with being a Lolo Shiv dear. Do you know the pride? Do you even know the respect you'll be accorded in Umuzulu as a whole?'

'i dont care about the respect mum!'

'well you better start caring. Because whether you like it or not, you're getting married to Dike. In. Five. Days' She flashed her five fingers 'Five. Days. Better be prepared. Invite whoever you want'

'mum!'

Her mum walked out of the sitting room and into her chambers.

TBC

Chumzypinky:
CHAPTER TWO.
'another one added to the ones you already have?' Martins asked in surprise as he and his friend played the game of chess.

'its the tradition'

'whats fucking tradition is that? After six wives?! This is fucking shii mehn. I dont expect you to agree to that shii' Martins shook his head.

'i have no plans of agreeing to it' Dike said 'its not happening. I married the first girl at age 11, and the second at age 13. And thats how i've been marrying up until now and my father is trying to force another into my home, its not happening, i swear down' Dike hissed.

'how many wives has your father?'

'seven'

'with your mother being the?'

'first'

'that means its customary as a king-to-be in your village that you marry seven wives even before you assume the throne?'

'and thats what i'm saying that i have no interest in Igweship. I want it passed to Kachi, my younger brother who's currently abroad studying medicine. I do not want to be king. Not when i'm managing a huge empire. I can never forfeit that for anything in the world nah. Its not making sense at all'

'hmm' Martins looked ahead to see Adanna approaching them with a tray and a beautiful smile plastered on her face.

He marvelled of her beauty. She was the first wife of Dike, very beautiful with a nice shape. And she was the kindest amongst them.

'hey Ada!' he said with a smile when she got to them 'whats up?'

'i'm fine Martins' She dropped the tray containing two plates of steaming peppersoup in their front 'just felt you two might need this when chilaxing, right Dike?'

Dike shot her a look that had her nonsmiling immediately 'get out of here!' Dike barked 'now!'

She quickly turned to leave when he called her back. She turned.

'take this with you' he pointed at the tray. She hesitated for a while 'now!'

She scurried back to the table, picked up the tray and walked away with sadness on her face.

'that was bad Dike' Martins said to his friend 'you had no right to shout at her that way. She was only trying to be nice'

'nice my foot! Thats how they all try to be nice. Nice idiots! You cant begin to imagine how much i hate them all'

'them all, Dora inclusive?' he asked referring to the fourth wife of Dike.

'Dora's the only reasonable person amongst them. She knows what she wants. And she didnt marry me because she's as greedy as them all. She married me because she was forced to. And i'm aware that she's secretly dating someone else and i fully give my consent to it! Thats why she's different'

'your life is complicated my friend. I'm just wondering how you're going to cope later on when you decide to finally be with that whom you consider the one'

'when that time comes, i assure you, things would take a different turn'

'i just hope so'

***
Dora watched as her husband pursed his lips. She knew something was bothering him. She knew Dike that much.

Even as he ate his breakfast that morning, she knew he was absent-minded. Of all his wives, she was the closest to him so she knew.

And she also knew that she was the only one whom he trusted with the running of the house. And she was eternally grateful that he didnt object to her relationship with Frank, her boyfriend.

Dike was a nice man. Though sometimes she felt he deserved better. He wasnt happy. He had once opened up to her that seeing his other wives move around the house was a sight of disgust to him. And that someday sometime, he was going to have to do something very drastic. And she knew what he was capable of.

Dike was a very fine man. He was chocolate skinned with broad shoulders, nice abs. Pink lips, pointed nose, grey eyes, a wonderful height, an aura that permeated royalty... What could she describe him with? Infact, she had never seen anyone as handsome as he was. And he was no womanizer.

There was a time she loved him. Even till now, she still felt something for him. But when she realised that there was no hope for him to love her the same way, she decided to look elsewhere. But that didnt mean she still didnt feel something for him somewhere in her heart.

'Dike, whats the problem?'

He looked up from his breakfast 'did you say something?'

'yes i did dear husband' She said with sarcasm 'i asked what the problem is'

'what problem?'

'are you seriously asking me that question? Eh Dike? We both know that something's bothering you. Something's eating you up that i've been sitting with you since you started having breakfast and you're not ready to strike a conversation!'

'i'm not just in the mood to talk Dora' She loved the way her name rolled off his lips. More like Doraaa.

'seriously now Dike, when did you start hiding things from me?'

'i'm not hiding anything from you Dora'

She looked at him suspiciously. Could he be seeing someone else? Jealousy tugged at her heart. Dike couldnt love someone else. She still loved him with all her heart. And she was ready to admit it to him.

Not minding Frank.

TBC

degelinglacis:
Chapter One


The room was silent and looked happy with the cheerful paintings and twelve generations pictures plastered on the wall revealing that the lineage all inherited the famous pointed nose from the first man of the family. If only the room could share its cheerful mood with its occupant.

He attacked the meats in his plate like they were still breathing, and he was at the slaughterhouse cutting them into pieces. His manner at the dining room was offensive even to the inanimate objects. The chair he was sitting on could feel his restlessness, as he kept moving and shifting on it. His throat tightened in anger, it became a great task to swallow the unchewed meats in his mouth. He leaned back on his chair, his past and future staring right at him. The meal before him momentarily forgotten and the meats in his mouth was rudely spat into a napkin. He would be thirty years on February 25th. At that age, he was still living a life mapped out by his late father. He was not pleased with that and to be honest, he felt he was someone else creation. A sham. An artificial while the real him was the happy man with a simple life in his dreams.

He could remember the decisions that took place mostly in the dining room right after his father ate a heartily meal, he would belched loudly and turn to his wife
"Look at my boy, he is growing bigger each day"
His mother would reply in affirmative sometimes adding one or two compliment to please her husband. And that would set the tone for his future.
"He would be sixteen years next month. I think he should write JAMB and choose that university in Lagos. At least with 280 and above and a good score in his postUME something above 70 will secure his place at the engineering department or is it faculty?" his father asked turning his gaze on him. But he was too furious to reply. Furious and tired of their selfish attitude.

He knew his reply mattered not. All that was required of him during such conversation was too listen and if possible jot down his father's "loving"words.
He could remember when he was eight years old, sitting with his small hand tucked under his chin. His mother met him in that " terrible" position and asked him what he was doing. He told her he was thinking about his new school.
"Thinking?" his mother repeated in a tragic voice
"Why should you do something so stressful as thinking? We are here for you. As our only child we will do everything for you"
Even at a age so young, he knew his parents are wrong with his upbringing. How could thinking be stressful?

And when he showed him his Junior WAEC result, his father beamed with a large spectacle obscuring his small face.
"This is beautiful" he said, the smile splitting his face into halves
"Distinction all through?" he was surprised as if that was not his request
"You must go to a science class" he had told him this a billionth time even before he could spelt the word science.

And the present? He was in his hometown to marry his betrothed. Although the engagement was not a formal one but there's an understanding between the two families that their children would get married in the future. It was his father's suggestion. She was the second child of his late father's friend and three years younger than he was. His father again thought it would be best to marry her when she's at the right age of 27. According to him, she would have attained the higher qualification; M.s.c and PHD in view.It was quite sad his father was late, he would have been happy to watch his reaction when he realized his plan failed. The said lady got into the university very late, with strike at LAUTECH, she graduated at 25. NYSC added another year to her age. And today she is Olaonipekun Adunni, a Yoruba graduate. Although he had no issue with her course, but he knew his father would thought she was not good enough for him.
When his cousin greeted him with the "news". At first he thought he was joking. Why, he was the same person who joked on their uncle's wedding that his wife-to-be was kidnapped. Being a politician, it was highly believed. The whole family was thrown into panic. Important calls were made to the securities before he stupidly announced that he was jesting.
One would have thought that after the massacre he received that day, he would be sensible enough to know some subjects are not to be joked with. He instead ignored him climbing the stairs in twos and threes eager to eat the meal cook made for him. He was halfway into his food when he saw an invitation card with his betrothed name boldly written on it and the wedding was tomorrow.
He realized he had been deceiving himself living a sham of life mapped out for him. And for twenty nine years, three hundred and fifty four days, he was deceived.
Tomorrow, he has to start living on his own terms.