₦airaland Forum

daveP:
ah, iyen lagbara die. Obuko ton fo ninu spaceship ke?

daveP:
lmai


wait Goat dey bear Apam, i think say na only Gidado be the alias of goats, billy or nanny-wise!!


Aspa the tori, you delivered!!

I wish it was a 'come and contunu from where the last poster stopped with lil diversion' kinda thread. Dem for hearam tonite!!

Faita:
Lol. You're welcome. You're very good really. Sweating goat who rains droppings because a girl spent five whole minutes kissing it without realizing that it wasn't human! Lol. That's very good storytelling, sir. Very good indeed.

Faita:
I don't normally do this but this thread just caught my attention. So...


1


Good one. It's a bit cliché though, sorry. So, some of my observations....

1. I can't see the connection between the first paragraph and the rest of the story. Who 'smiled, turned and left'?

2. "in pains" should be "in pain".

3. Why did the General identify himself over the radio?

4. Maybe it's for dramatic effect, but you use multiple descriptions a lot. For instance, you used a lot of words to talk about a smirk and in the second paragraph, you told us that Anya shot a soldier who was in pain several times and went on to tell us that she put him out of his misery. I think it's unnecessary.

5. Why use "not normal" when you can use "abnormal" in the first paragraph?



2


The story itself is sort of cliché too but the delivery feels quite original.

My observations anyway...

1. "suppose". I think you meant "supposed".

2. "she just fell head over for him". Consider "she had just fallen head over heels for him". The first expression is grammatically inappropriate.

3. "mind-searching eyes". I think you were trying to convey that she felt like he could see through her. The better expression may have been "penetrating" or just "searching". The current expression suggests something quite improbable and unconvincing and thus is uninteresting.

4. In the last sentence, "will" should be "would". "was in love..." is better as "had fallen in love". Instead of "not any Christian", you should use "not just any Christian". And you should probably add "one" at the end of "the most vibrant".



3


Ok, this was very good indeed. It's a typical story where a predator becomes prey. But again this one is an original delivery. There's also a feel of maturity to the writing.

My observations...

1. This is a flashback, I think. But the arrangement makes that a little difficult to recognize. I like how you gave your readers some work to do with that but be a little more careful next time. It can be tricky playing with sequence in a story.

2. "in tangent" should be replaced with "in tandem". I think that that was what you meant to say, right?

3. "schooled her in the arts". What arts? The story seemed to suggest training in just one kind of art. The language of that expression suggested tutelage in the typical arts. It throws the reader off. That can be a good thing but in my opinion, it isn't here.

4. What did you mean by "joints"? That is about the only thing that suggests that they were smoking weed. But I think you meant something different. Use a different word maybe.

5. "Her fingers sliced the air, a make-shift knife, ripping through flesh as she talked". Her fingers were ripping through flesh? Or did you mean that the way her fingers moved through the air it was like knife ripping through flesh? If the latter, consider this instead: "her fingers sliced the air like a makeshift knife ripping through flesh as she talked". You should be careful with similes and metaphors like that.

6. That far into their relationship, why is she still considered potential? Had he not realized the potential?

7. In the same paragraph, "she lapped his..." should be "she lapped up his..."

8. "hands run through the length". Try "run up and down her torso" or "run up and down the length of her torso". Through doesn't work well for surfaces.

9. Same paragraph. Did you mean "fistfuls" or "a fistful"?

10. "Feast"? What did you mean here? Sex? Or a weird hair-eating habit?

11. Same paragraph. "flailing" not "flaying". The first means "to wave wildly"; the second is used for stripping skin off an animal or person.

12. Could he speak clearly with a hairpin in his windpipe? He may have gurgled because of the blood getting into his airways?

13. The end sounded a bit weird. You probably repeated the opening statement to close the flashback loop but it still feels cheesy. I think that "I am Piper" was a perfect closing statement for your piece. One better way to close the loop is to capture Mack's distress in the second paragraph. Currently, it only looks like he was laying down and mooning over Piper. You could include the fact that he's choking, possibly to death, while doing so.



4


This is quite nicely done. Grief has a common language that every grieving person speaks. You spoke it well. But your story is original. Despite the fact that pain is a common story, your story felt almost like something I'd never heard before. That is very good.

My observations...

1. To be honest, the arrangement reads exactly like someone in pain wrote it. It seems like you couldn't care less about arrangement and sequencing. The work seems like an explosion of emotion: it assaults the reader's mind with your feelings. That is not necessarily bad. But if this is not your true life situation, you could bring refinement and finesse to the art. Art does more than tell it exactly as it is, it shows us the meanings we miss looking at the surface.

2. First paragraph. "vividly still can". That should be replaced with "can still". The current expression is quite poor.

3. "That smile she gave me earlier". That would be better as "the same smile she gave me earlier".

4. A purr is a sound of pleasure that cats make. Your use of it does not work very well. Also, what did you mean by "she had stopped earlier"?

5. Did you mean "a mermaid's face"?

6. "a propos" is not story language. It's more philosophy.

7. "He does now more than ever" instead of "he does more than ever now".

8. "corps" instead of "corp".

9. What does "bees to his petal" mean?

10. Was Ope an only child? What does "he bore her only" mean?

11. "Her home from mine didn't requireTramor to drive." This statement is unclear.

12. "Trailers didn't ply that road" instead of "trailers didn't ply the road".

13. Did her dad die? What happened?

14. 3 days is quite a short time to expect the pain of loss to recede. Why mention it? What did you want to say?

15. I like the end.



5


Lol. Cheeky. Very funny. You're very comfortable with your story too.

But how did the goat not bite her? Goats are given to nibbling. This must be some kind of alternate reality.

This is obviously an advanced writer's work.

asumo12:

MissSlimbody:
yes sir

MissSlimbody:
werey re o
Osho okuurin
Na you be the billy goat nah

asumo12:

MissSlimbody:
Smh...oro e ti su ijoba