shaybebaby: Late to the party but I have been through a divorce and I can say that all 3 of us (me, ex,and our son) are thriving.
Yes, there was a period of adjustment, indeed a time when we didnt get along ( I guess we all heal at different paces, and it took him longer)
But my thinking at the time, and still is that if one cannot give kids two happy parents, who love each other, under the same roof, then the next best thing is two happy parents apart.
My son is not being raised in a toxic environment, and we coparent brilliantly because we managed to separate our failed relationship as man and woman, from our responsibilities as mother and father.
We remain friends, we talk to each other, support each other where we can because we have a common goal, our son.
He has remarried again, and I am happy, because a happy daddy means a happy son who is in happy environment.
Ultimately, what's done is done, if you are indeed done. The question is what next? And that depends on how you view divorces. Some expect it to be toxic, I was determined it wouldn't be. There were fights i didnt engage in, because protecting my sanity was more important.
Kobojunkieee: The answer you need is shared custody. You get the children 50% of the time each week. That way, she can care for them for sometime and you can too. 🥱🥱
2. What the f-k kind of statement is this? Why make a woman you are meant to be in a romantic relationship responsible for making "a man" come out of you? That job belongs to both your father and your mother's job and your wife is not your mother. If your parents did a terrible job raising you in the way you out to be, then the onus is on you to re-parent yourself well so that when you decide to go into a romantic relationship with anyone, you are already what that person wants in a man and not some fixer up mission or whatever it is you have there in your head. 🥱🥱
If you realized how derogatory such statements are to men, you would never even air it in the open. 🥱🥱
I'm exhausted from reading some of the replies here. . the sad part is that this is the reality in most marriages.
Most men refuse to take accountability, because they think that somehow, it rests on their wives to make them! I don't get the rationale!
truthhurts2: I think you've already concluded in your mind of what exactly you want to do, you are just here for validation. And I sense also, you don't believe in him (not sure even if you believe in God), you really don't have that trust again, nor faith and fate. [b]I can see that if people aren't really saying what you want to here, you will give them more reasons to see things from your perspective. [/b]HOPE YOU SEE THAT, YOU YOURSELF AREN'T PERFECT NOR YOUR HUSBAND.
PS: I'm a married man, even though my marriage is still young, almost 5 years, but I've really learned a lot (especially from this forum), I've met some highly intellectually matured married men here and learned, and still learning from them.
This is why I never really wanted to get into the whole "what happened" story. I also said I'm not here for anyone to judge or convict me/him. . or for suggestions on how to fix the marriage. At the end of the day, it's between me and him, and if we wanted to fix it, we would.
If you go back to my original post, you'll see I only wanted to see if anyone who has gone through divorce would be willing to share their experience. That's all!
desireoge: Madam believe me when I say most married people live like this . I almost left my marriage last December. Even till now I'm not still happy with my husband but I just told myself that since he doesn't abuse me physically, I would stay.
I asked my kids and they said I should not divorce their daddy. The oldest is 14. It's not really easy to be a single mum.
There are many ways to go around it. Detatch yourself from him. Sleep in different rooms. Discuss only important issues concerning kids. Create your happiness around your kids and external friends. The lists goes on.
If you leave, you will be lonely o. I don't know what he has been doing to you anyway but if he's not physically abusing you or cheating with abandonedment, please stay.
Is this really true?
Ahhh . . nobody told me. I would have stayed single!
royalfly: Too much lie about your write up, how do i know? Everything was about you. I dont even believe you was married 15 years. The love you talk about is about you. Love tskes two. For me you are a selfish person. You genuinely dont care about your kids or ur husband.
I think every human being is selfish to a certain degree!
Kobojunkieee: Don't let people deceive you with their cock-and-bull stories. 😂😂😂
The long and short of that ridiculous tale that his wife cheated and the he cheated back in revenge and the suddenly, all those who must have known of his wife's cheating began to show concern and boom..wife began to change ..she suddenly stopped cheating and he too suddenly found marriage books on how to be a better husband ...reads like a very bad Bollywood script if you ask me. 🥱🥱
Face forward and pull your head out of the clouds. Do you plan to cheat in revenge or something? Are you suddenly thinking that you cheating might resolve your marriage? Don't do it! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Willie2015: . It takes two to tangle, both of you are responsible for the state of this marriage, your husband need to learn how to live peacefully with a woman. It takes a lot of wisdom and lot of patience to live with a woman. You also need to be submissive and calm. All these I need a refund plus interest, bad decisions..refusing to advise, general irresponsibility, I paid for that. and this will not bring peace. No one on this forum can give you the solution to your marriage, or give u the exact recipe to change a man or a woman. But the best thing u can do is to place it on the altar of fervent and continuous prayer for God to intercede.
I don't agree . . I am not responsible for the state of this marriage. . . and it took me a while to realize that. But you are right on one thing, I won't learn how to solve my problems here. I'm also not trying to solve anything.
Can't people who have gone through divorce just share their experiences and stop trying to fix my marriage? If I wanted to fix it I will be in a therapist's room, not here.
MaigidaNigeria: Firstly as long as he isn't into domestic violence, pls stay with him ! I believe you are a Christian and you know the teachings of CHRIST on divorce! Secondly, Even if you are totally fending for the family still remain in the house, I have taught woman to conquer their husbands by submission- countless testimonies ( Use your feminine power" Stoop to Conquer " In all fear GOD
Isn't the teaching of Christ that a marriage can be dissolved on the basis of infidelity?
GVTAsiwaju: No! She couldn’t get pregnant….. My present wife is pregnant. She’s still single though
NB: She filed for the divorce for reasons best known to her…. I didn’t fight it this time because it’s the 4th time she left the house for her parents’
Thanks for sharing . .
I think most women prefer to remain single after a divorce, than go back to old patterns. When a woman decides to leave a marriage, she is ultimately making the decision to stay alone forever. Sometimes that is better than staying married to the wrong person.
A lot of the time, it's because of how the man has pampered them or shown fear of losing them that they think they "Deserve better".
That's the root cause of all of this. Imagine someone who left without domestic abuse or anything said the husband went to ask her back and she went again and as it is, she's enroute the third time.
I advise the man to let her go totally. When she goes outside, then she can find what she's looking for.
There's a saying out here : "Sometimes when you treat people well, they begin to believe they deserve better".
Poster and the likes: You're 40 years of age, just know what this entails
1. Don't expect anyone to be head over heels inlove with you in the market. Men today knack and leave the next day. 2. Expect most of your romantic options to be married men or divorced men. 3. Do not think your husband would not remarry or has no options. Be prepared to be jealous when he gets a wife or steady girlfriend. 4. You need to have a purpose asides your children when you're in such state. Without that, you'll most likely turn your children to your purpose and this can lead to them turning into single mothers or you interfering in their marriages et al. 5. This decision is irreversible. Don't keep hope in your mind that he'll beg you again till the end of time. Be prepared to be single for the next 20-30 years.
Legitbeauru: Look woman, your issue is you don’t like telling yourself the truth. From all your narrations so far, you have always presented yourself as blameless, and that’s where the problem lies here.
I never said I was blameless . . But I did not come here to talk about who is right or wrong. I got dragged into this conversation because I was trying to respond to some questions.
But I think I got what I need now, so thank you . .
impeccablephili: You shouldn't have come online and ask for our opinion since your mind is made up.
You want us to validate your decision to break your home. When you leave your husband now you I'll start sleeping with different married men around causing problem for some other homes.
Actually I just asked for the opinion of people who have been through divorce . .
Onegai: Joeadamxx thank you for your contribution.
Letskeeptalking, you should read his advice a lot.
Most separated and divorced people won't want to be truly open, even on a faceless forum.
There are 4 big R's in Life:
1. Resentment: this is what you feel right now. You're boiling with it. The one thing you've mentioned that's really bad is "he's manipulative and acts like a Saint outside" and "he tried to manipulate me into a 3sum".
Those are big red flags and sadly very common for men going through a Midlife crisis.
Thank you . . I'm not even going to deny that I am deeply resentful and I had to work out why during therapy . . It's why I feel I can't go on . . because the reason behind my resentment has not changed. I don't want to end up being bitter for life.
Like I mentioned earlier, I think he's fighting some really bad demons, and trying to help him was literally drowning me! I became the worst version of myself, trying to be supportive of the kind of life he wanted.
profmallor: I have had narcissistic friends and worked with some narcissistic bosses in the past. It was horrible, their lack of empathy and cool demeanour makes them silent monsters. And the sad part is that they put on a show so elaborate that everyone thinks they are angels. Leaving someone of that nature requires that you really plan for it thoroughly, because he is going to come for you with everything once he knows you want to break free.
I suggest that you spend your time preparing yourself psychologically, emotionally, and financially for what might be coming. No one should stay in a relationship with a self-absorbed narcissist.
Thank you . . I think I am well equipped to face whatever he throws at me . . I expect nothing less!
I know that my kids might end up being collateral damage . . at this point he is aware that I am now immune to his antics. But I will do everything in my power to protect my girls.
impeccablephili: I came from a broken home, I think I can tell you what will happen to you and your kids if you eventually divorce their father and they see that you are the aggressor here.
They will never forgive you, I pleaded with my mum not to leave us, dad was not around and because of a small issue. She left us and went and married an angel who she later realised was many times worse than my dad.
They took us to our old family house, we were exposed to so many dangers and all sort of abuses by uncles and aunties that said our daddy beat them when they were living under my dad.
During those period I will be raining curses on mum. To cut the long story short, the love between us is not that deep we just relate on mutual respect.
Most children from a broken are damaged psychologically they don't see divorce as a big deal, they believe they don't need to work on their marriages that is why most of them end up with broken homes too. There is a pattern that is formed in most broken homes that makes mostly female children experience divorce too.
If you get the custody of your children, that will make it more dangerous, recent researches state that most children raised by single mothers become wayward so your children need their father.
My advice is this, since you never mention it that your husband abuses you, and you stated it that you still leave in the same house. The problem you and your husband have is lack of communication and forgiveness. Please for the sake of your kids go for counselling with your husband.
Give him a chance, you are already in your forties if you leave him now you will probably be a side chick to another married man and cause a problem for another home.
Do you really think I would consider divorce if I've not tried counselling?
And I know that my kids will NEVER be wayward, and even if he's present in our home, they will still be raised by a single mother!
Legitbeauru: At the bolded: it seems your parents used to live the current life you’re living right now. Are you not seeing the pattern here?
Be sincere with yourself. You have the feeling of living completely separately from your husband because you have a relationship somewhere outside that makes you feel your current family is seriously short changing you and robbing you of a better life.
Let me tell you, that outside or whatever you see giving this feeling is nothing but a mere fantasy.
Be intentional and be ready to rekindle the love. Communicate your mind to your husband. Listen to him too. Your relationship apparently lacks communication.
My parents were married for over 50 years until my dad passed. . But like every other couple, they had their issues. I saw love growing up, and that's how I know this is not it.
I mentioned before that back home I lived separately from him . . we had separate lives then too and I was 100% responsible for the kids. I still am in a way. I've always lived the life of a single woman even though I have been married. Back home he would go MONTHS without contacting me at all, or making any effort to see his kids. I had every opportunity to see other men if that's what I wanted, and he won't even know about it.
Just to be clear, I do not want to rekindle anything. Even if I stayed, it will not be because I'm interested in fixing the marriage, because I am not!
Can't you guys just trust that a woman knows what she wants, and not every woman is willing to mortgage her self respect in the name of marriage?
She says I snore...she usual sleep in the sitting room.
She is about quiting a marriage of 10years.
I irritates her.
And she post all kind of stuff about marriage as a waste of time.
Friends and family called me to know if we have problems. I defended my family that we are okay.
But she has created many post on social media letting women know that marriage does not worth it.
Just because of snoring ooo...I am concerned about our 3 kids.
But she is just a perfect woman...somehow I'm the evil one. She even said she made a mistake marrying me.
You see women eeeen...ooh.. fear them...they are perfect to no fault. It's always the fault of the man. I told her if you want to leave, leave..stop demonize me online.
This is exactly how she has been writing articles online just because of me. The difference is, yours is 15years, mine is 10. I would have thought it's my wife.
I even thought myself...no be women married handicap and still grew old together...I loose confidence in myself.
Maybe the problem is that you are not listening to what she's saying, or holding yourself accountable. As much as you men will like to demonize women, no sane woman will leave her marriage just because her husband snores.
If you are tired of the marriage, then leave. You are the man, you should end the marriage if your wife no longer respects you. You probably think she will never leave, but one day you will wake up and she's gone. I suggest you and go and fix your marriage, and stop playing the victim!
Joeadamxx: I am a man in my late 50s who have considered the divorce route with my spouse many, many times because I just couldnt see us living together happily. She was proud, disrespectful and I felt she was not a good housewife to me or a great mother to our children! To make matters' worse, there was infidelity on her part that made our union untenable. But, I lived through the broken marriage of my parents and had vowed that I will never allow my children live through the same experience as I did! Alas, life is cyclical, we are our past!!! To make matters worse, I am this insecured, anti-social character with no friends, my family is all I have. So, in revenge I also started cheating, and I was not even hiding it! I became a terror to my family so much so that a visitor sprained her ankle while she and my family were running to hide when I arrived home from work. I was unhappy, so was my my wife and my children. I keep telling myself I will go through with the divorce when my children are grown. But recently, something happened, she started taking interest in watching Yoruba movies on YouTube and (well, this is what I thought, anyway) she started appreciating the Yoruba women's respectful attitude towards their husbands and elders'. Subtly, I also started reading marriage counselling literatures and realised, we were 2 differents beings from different environments who needed to understand each other, something we never truly did in the euphoria of the whirlwind romance and bed breaking sex we were having while dating. So, one day, as the husband, I called her and said I am tired of the fights and acrimony and will instead of asking her to change to suit me, I was ready to change into the best husband and father I can be for her and my children and bam!! everything started changing, our marriage is having a new lease! Now, were the children affected or probably damaged by this acrimony while it lasted? Oh, yes! But they realise we are all humans and we are working on ourselves and our relationship. So, my humble advise is that since your husband says he does not want a divorce, work on YOURSELF and hope HE does the same and maybe, just maybe, you can start making your way back to Love!!
God bless!!
Wow . . this is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing, and I'm glad your marriage has been restored!
Do you think things would have changed if you, as the man, did not make the first move? What happens that when the other person sees your forgiveness, not as a grace, but as a acceptance of bad behavior?
HeavenlyHolines: Let me just contribute my quota. By God's grace, I live and teach abroad and I can't tell you for free that divorce is not really good. A lot of my kids' parents are divorced and it's really affecting the kids badly I mean badly. Today, one of my students cried to my office because her parents are planning to get divorced. I don't really know your husband but I strongly believe that your relationship can work. It takes two to tangle. Most times, we always believe that divorce is the last option but there are other options that can ignite and unite your family. Shalom
Thanks, I appreciate your contribution. I know the dangers of divorce and how it impacts the kids . . but what about raising them in a toxic environment? Is that not even more harmful to them in the long run?
lastmessenger: canada ? Ahaaaaa. What is it with abroad and breaking up of marriage. If you guys were to be in Nigeria l, things would have probably turned out different
Not really, we lived separately in Nigeria and that's the only reason we stayed married. It's also why we've fallen back into that pattern so easily. But now the kids are old enough to understand these things.
LockDown69: We don't know the full story, you might also be a problem to the marriage. We have domineering and narcissistic women who want everything to go there way and not let the man be the man of the house.
I really did not come here to judge my marital issues . . I was only looking for experiences of real life divorcees, before I make a life changing and irreversible decision.
ShenTeh: This one that has energy to respond to every comment with prenty Engrish and even number the paragraphs self, I can safely deduce what your soon-to-be-ex husband is going through.
You are financially successful and your egocentrism is understandable, but it takes two people to ruin a marriage.
And I also took responsibility for my role . . but it also takes two to fix a marriage.
I don't think a woman being confident in herself is egocentrism, and even if it were, I think I have earned it at this point, and I have apologies for that!
SouthSouth1914: Think about the fact if you have been the one speeding money the last 25 years, would you want to break up and file for divorce. You ladies are something else, when there is shortage of money or financial support, you want to break up because there is one man outside promising you heaven on earth. My dear, you will be surprise and learn the hard way.
Remember, no matter how you beautiful or exciting you were, no man would accept you back, they would rather start afresh from someone with no history. Make your decision and stick to it, don’t complicate a man’s life!
So have you been through divorce then? Are you talking from experience?
thesicilian: Understandable. I take that to mean that if he makes visible efforts at some tangible changes, you're willing to give the marriage a little more time? Or your mind is made up?
I think we re past that . . After 15 years, I no longer feel he is capable of change. Plus I can't help but feel resentful that it took him 15 years to want to be better for our marriage! So at this point just making the change will not do, I need reparations for what I went through.
For instance, he made me lose my years of investment over his bad decisions, refusal to listen to advise and just generally irresponsible and vindictive behavior. I don't think I will get over that until I get a refund for lost funds (plus interest).
I can name a hundred instances . . I'm just exhausted from forgiving, after already losing so much!
GVTAsiwaju: Hmmm…. Divorce isnt a good thing sha. I still checked my ex status this morning after being separated for over 3years. I think of her everyday eventhough Ive re-married and she’s pregnant already
SixSeven: Your previous decisions have been reasonable. I mean, still giving him the chance to get back to his senses. He needs some time to grow and this is not about age. I guess because of familiarity, he has taken the current situation for granted. Men love the chase and sometimes when you are not available, they will have to find you. He will look for you. Even when men step out, they know who is a good woman and you sound like one. Let the other women show him small shege but never lower your standards because as much as a good man is a good example for daughters, the decisions you take will guide your daughters in future as well. The man who's not disciplined cannot be cautioned. The temporary separation may give him the space to think and live in his own thoughts and really decide if he can really walk the talk. You are not his mother and you cannot raise an adult. They have to come to their own senses to accept responsibility and accountability.
I always tell men to always improve themselves, keep getting better but no kill yourself for women o lol. I can see you complained about how relaxed he is but I have heard women complain about this. The man they married vs the man he has become. Let him meet you to your new standards because it's for his own benefit and his own good. Listen to this video below when you can. Signs of narcissists are there and how to handle them. Meanwhile, involve your family and give those children a sense of love and community. They don't understand everything that's going on for now but as your daughter is getting to the teenage stage, she is going to face influence at school and boy-girl matters will come up. Which is why the father figure is very important. Children are often impressionable until they get sense. So do not play his own game. What some women do is use the anger in their relationship to shape the mind of the child and you now have bitter children who are feminists and redpillers giving advice on man and woman because they lacked love and structure when they were young. Create an environment of care and standards for the children and you too should get help in this trying time.
I still see a ray of hope in this relationship but it will have to go through some bitter washing mode before the clothes come clean! It's that wisdom and tact in this current chapter that you need (to ask God for) while writing the story in your book of life.
You are very insightful, and I truly appreciate your taking the time to contribute to this.
It’s a very difficult thing to put in the work required to grow, and not everyone is capable of it.
Family › Re: Divorced (or Separated) Couples, Can You Please, Share Your Experience? by letskeeptalking(op): 5:06pm On Feb 13
lol. I can see you complained about how relaxed he is but I have heard women complain about this. The man they married vs the man he has become. Let him meet you to your new standards because it's for his own benefit and his own good. Listen to this video below when you can. Signs of narcissists are there and how to handle them. Meanwhile, involve your family and give those children a sense of love and community. They don't understand everything that's going on for now but as your daughter is getting to the teenage stage, she is going to face influence at school and boy-girl matters will come up. Which is why the father figure is very important. Children are often impressionable until they get sense. So do not play his own game. What some women do is use the anger in their relationship to shape the mind of the child and you now have bitter children who are feminists and redpillers giving advice on man and woman because they lacked love and structure when they were young. Create an environment of care and standards for the children and you too should get help in this trying time.