₦airaland Forum

SixSeven:
letskeeptalking

I know it's a lot for you to spill but what has he got to say about you or what were the things he said about you in his own story?

PS: you wrote to the other person that you pity him. Do you still love him? (if he changes for the better)

He tells people I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, so people never get it when I say I want to leave.

I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Despite everything, I chose this man, and it was real love for me. But I know that I deserve better, and he's incapable of change. It's not his fault too. I don't blame him, he is who he is . . You have to be living with some pretty heavy demons to become that way!

SixSeven:
letskeeptalking

What made him go home to beg for you? Is he the type that wants to look good to people outside? Was it about his social status? or did the reality jolt him to his senses? Do you attend 🇳🇬 church there?

I think he went home because he called my mum and she said she didn't want to discuss it over the phone. She didn't mean for him to travel all the way, but he did that to force her hand and manipulate the situation. He went with his family, and they kept trying to defend his actions and claim that our issues were just "normal marital issues". Anyway, long story short, he's the type of person that will pretend for as long as it takes, or go to any length to get what he wants. He did it while we were courting!

If you met him, you would call him a saint. We are Catholics and joined a Nigerian fellowship too, but I to stopped going to that because people there saw me as the evil one. He still goes there till date, never misses it. But the things he got me to do during the marriage are not things children of God should be engaging in. The last straw (one of the main the reason I left), what when he tried to manipulate me into having a 3**Sum, and I almost did it too because I was that far gone.

You didn't respond to the last question about who he respects and who he looks to. Who are those in his circle of influence?

You are describing a narcissist here but you cannot be a mother to your children and be a mother a man again.

And no, he doesn't respect ANYONE . . he genuinely believes he knows it all. He is clearly a narcissist, and I don't think anyone would understand, except me, because I'm living in it.

Kobojunkie:
If you think more therapy sessions will help, please go for it. You are the one to bear the burden that is your decision and you need to be in a place where your mind is prepared for whatever is to come. Get yourself more therapy if you need to. Join a gym or something to help clear your mind as head as often as you can, if that will help too. Get a journal and document your fears and hopes for the future. Counter fears with hopes and work towards them with all you have in you. 🥱🥱

At least a billion women before.you have taken this step you are about to take for yourself and your kids. And study after study show that women are better off pursuing life and happiness than settling for unhappiness in marriage. 🥱🥱

P.s. consider shared parenting so your kids get to spend half of their time with their dad every week or month. 😊

Thank you so much . . I really appreciate your advice!

Ovieemmanuel:
pity? Ok what are his flaws?

We all have flaws, but I think it's a very sad thing, when a man is unable to find himself.

SixSeven:
Thank you for explaining the situation. I can see the manipulative behaviour you described though you have marinated your own behaviour in the carefully chosen words you used.

Telling the kids those stories isn't a good thing at all. I don't believe in using children as a leverage in a relationship that two of you formed before they were brought to this world. I am afraid that he would make matters worse when you are separated, if you two decide to do so. That's the number one mistakes most couples make, they involve the children in their business and it should not be. Your number one job rn is being a parent.

Have you guys gone home together as a family? When he ran home to beg and you forgave him, what did he do that changed your mind? Was it promises or he changed for some time? You have a child who is now asking questions and I was going to see how he will behave in front of family where children don't have filter. It doesn't seem that his family is looking for a male child because that could be a factor. Have you been here before? I remember a thread where someone asked this question about allowing him sleep outside for another child. That's his own problem and I would prefer him to man up about it. Such men will eventually find what they are looking for because in life, dem no de force person, you will find that thing you are looking for and life will humble you or humiliate you. It's called life experience. Your issue seems to have started before he talked about the search for a Prince.

What exactly is the problem? Did his father die early? Was he philandering as a bachelor? Does he have siblings? Are they like this character wise? Was/is his father like this? Do you remember what his vision was about family while you were both in love? Is he in his 50s? Did he change briefly when he came back from Nigeria? Do you know what triggered the lapse? Environment? Has he been a responsible man in the home or he just pays the bills? Does he teach the girls as a father or what role does he play? The father effect is strong for female children and he is the first example of what they see as a MAN.

I am reading your message one more time. Has he sought therapy himself? Alone? Does he have a mentor, formal or informally? An elder from his family. I don't want to believe that you made a mistake because I will assume he was a good guy before he became like this so if you still have anything to help your family (this is not really about love), what caused him to change along the line? Who has an influence on him as a man? Specifically, a man who he looks up to or who he reveres.

I've thought about it, and I think I just made a mistake in my choice. Not because I was stupid, but because I was targeted and manipulated. We courted for 2 years and you know how Christian courtship is. I was too impressed with his devotion to church that I neglected to ask the right questions. Plus you know the "God said" factor . . . But now I see clearly that he is who he is . . and the apple did not fall too far from the tree.

I don't think we've ever had a good marriage, even in the early days. But I endured, mainly because of Christian guilt. I don't think I would have ever considered leaving until I started seeing the impacts of his behavior on the kids. So when he said he would change, and I was told to "teach" him how to be a good father, I thought maybe I just needed to change the way I guided him and set expectations. But I was young too when we got married, with zero experience. So why am I the one teaching him? he's 7 years older than I am, and he's not even 50 yet.

Financially we contribute equally . . he doesn't teach the kids anything, doesn't even bother with them. And you are right, the "Prince" search didn't start until recently, because he just assumed I would keep having kids until we get one. But I stopped because I had to give myself sense. Aside from paying 50% of the bills, I do ALL the chores except when the kids help. I do all the childcare because he's NEVER home, and honestly it's easier to just do it that fight with him about it.

Whew . . I never really wanted to get into details here because I genuinely hate talking about these things . . plus I don't want to misrepresent the fact, because it's impossible to make sense of these issues in a chatroom.

PS: Just to add that I wasn't trying to hide my behavior or anything. I know I behaved badly, but only in reaction to his own behavior. I would give you an instance, but I don't want to shock you But nothing I did was unprovoked. So yes, while I may have gone overboard a couple of times, it was always for a reason!

Kobojunkie:
1. From the day we are born until the day we die, life always has numerous unknowns ready for us each day. That is how we learn and grow as humans. Hence, the fear of the unknown is an irrational fear — anxiety—that needs to be dealt with decisively. If you fear you are unable to handle those anxieties by yourself, I suggest you sign up for mental health therapy as well, so you can get yourself ready to take the necessary next step in your journey towards happiness and fulfillment in life, both for you and your kids. 🥱

2. According to you, she is not doing so well. She knows what is happening, but is choosing to bury her head in the sand, pretending that life is like what she sees in the Disney movies. That is not how to raise an emotionally and mentally stable individual... particularly one who is almost in her teen years. She needs to wake up, and you are the only one who can help her by being or becoming the mature parent in the situation. 🥱🥱

3. From what you have revealed so far, your child is not doing well in the current situation. And the example of your husband having affairs while you both continue in your pretend marriage is not setting things up for the good of your kids either. 🥱

I've also had therapy myself . . and I know what I have to do. Let's just say that I wasn't well equipped for this, and I can't get out of my own head!

Thanks for your advice . . .

Ovieemmanuel:
Too much grammar. What is making you hate this man? What are the habits you dislike?

I don't hate him . . far from it. I actually pity him!

thesicilian:
I'm interested in 2 statements you made here:
1. My husband says he doesn't want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

2. I feel like I have 2 options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother, or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

My confusion is, what would you have wanted him to do to show that he really doesn't want to lose you, when you know fully well that nothing he does can ever make you love him again?

1. The issues we've had from the beginning are mainly, his lack of empathy, lack of growth (as a person, as a husband and as father), and him standing for himself alone, no one else counts! So he says he's sorry, he will do better, but he doesn't even try. The same issues we fought over 15 years ago, and things still happening till today. Of course now he doesn't even bother to try to pretend anymore . .

2. I know his behavior is not my fault. I spent years trying to be someone he would make the effort for . . I blamed myself, maybe if I did this or did that . . until i realized it wasn't me it was him. It's just who he is, and he is not capable of change. And I know that I deserve better . .

SixSeven:
It isn't easy pretending to be happy when you are not or when you have mentally checked out but if you are so worried about her, that is my suggestion because the cost of your daughter's mental state when you leave is likely going to be more expensive than the current state of affairs. And you know what that means.

But I have other kids, and even though my oldest is fragile, I worry about about the kind of example I'm setting for the younger ones too. My 7-YO told me that she's never going to get married, that when she's grown and rich, she will just buy kids

They say it's an old fool who judges a matter listening to one side alone but how has your husband responded to her state of mind that believes mummy and daddy must be good together and what else does he do that makes you fight? Is it the cheating alone or there's something else? Or does stepping out crepe into the resentment at home and it causes an argument? Do you have a son?

I don't think he cares too much about her 'state of mind' . . . He's just one of those men that just don't care about ANYTHING. I don't really want to pass any blames because I know I'm not the best person to live with, but he has said on several occasions that if I leave him I will raise the kids alone. He even told them that if I divorce him, they won't get to see him anymore. I know he's weaponizing them and I didn't care when I left the first time. But he twisted her mind so much that she physically fell sick from anxiety. A lot of things came out during counselling, that I don't want to talk about here, but I strongly believe that he doesn't care about the kids, even though he pretends to, and puts up appearances for appearances sake.

And no, I don't have a son. . . just daughters!

And no, cheating is not the problem. I gave him the go ahead to do that because he wanted a son and I didn't want to have anymore kids . . not for him anyway!

What childhood trauma are you and him dealing with? Him here is your husband. It's something most of us run away from. What is the family back in Nigeria saying about your issue or they don't know about it yet?

Like I said, I have my issues, but at least I'm aware and I'm working on them. He is refusing to face his, and I can't help him with that. I almost lost myself trying.

My family is aware and they support any decision I make. The first time I left, he went back to Nigeria and went with his family to "beg" for me to return . . made a lot of promises. I think I forgave too quickly.

SixSeven:
Where are you? Doesn't sound like it's in Nigeria, is it? Your location can shape this story.

Canada

Kobojunkie:
That doesn't sound like her getting better. Sounds a lot more like denial! That ain't good at all. She can't run away from the problem by pretending it no longer exists. Imagine her doing that in her everyday life. I would never recommend hiding the truth from children. 🤔

2. Well... maybe you should consider getting a different counselor or approach altogether. Counseling is usually to help people face reality, not try to hide even further away from the truth by way of other delusions. I think she should be made to face reality as a child rather than wait until she grows up to learn it in an even harsher way. Life is a lot harder on those who are not mentally in tune with reality. 🤔

She’s always had her head in the clouds. Actually she’s a little bit like me at her age. I used have physical pain whenever my parents had any serious misunderstanding growing up, because conflict for me was unbearable. It’s probably why I found myself in this marriage to begin with and I really worry for this child of mine.

When the Counselor asked her how things were at home, she said things were great because Mum and Dad don’t fight anymore. They asked her if she knew what that meant and she said yes, that her parents were now in love again. I listened to them try to explain to her how that may not be the case, and I think she gets it. . . Or she’s trying to! But I hate to see her struggle because of my mistakes. I hate that my deepest fears of not providing a safe environment for my kids to thrive is now materializing, despite my best efforts. It’s part of why I stayed because I felt she will eventually get it, and then I don’t have to stay, and I know that she is getting there. But she has always been a dreamer so . . .

Zaheertyler:
Haba seems like your ego has been hurt because of attachments
Stay in your marriage
Play your role as a wife and a mother
You can play the role and still be very formal with him make him no say you no Dey play with am
But don’t leave please
It might be really hard but years later you will be happy you didn’t leave and you will see the capacity that staying has built inside of you
Especially in helping your children and other younger people around you navigate such problems In their own time

Above all
You had a dream or passion that you had before getting married
Now might just be the time to follow it
So many things to say to you
But don’t leave
If you don’t have strength then you should draw strength from the place of prayers and keep pushing

Oh I follow my dreams, I never stopped. And I get a lot of satisfaction from my growth and everything I’ve achieved, despite his best efforts to frustrate me.

And I have PRAYED! I could easily have lost my child, but God had mercy. The more I think about it, the more I don’t believe that God wants this for me. Life is not supposed to be this complicated.

Someone told me that my children will love me more in the future when they see what I endured for their sake. But will they, really I mean they see us live seperate lives and they know it’s not right, or they will eventually. Again, what kind of example am I really setting for them?

I’ve been celibate for years now, because I’m technically married. But he has his affairs, and even though I don’t care because I stopped fulfilling that “duty” for him a long time ago, and I am no longer interested in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone, I still feel that this is unfair.

On the outside I have a great life, but I feel empty inside.

capnies:
My sister don't listen to this FEMINISTS go out ask genuine divorcees, that's how you'll know.
This is a faceless forum and filled with saddest

So are you divorced then? How can you help? Because I don’t think this has anything to do with feminism!

Kobojunkie:
Have you been to counseling together with your daughter then? 🤔

Yes we’ve been in counseling for about two years, getting help for her anxiety and she’s getting better. She used to get severe stomach pains and that’s gone now too. I guess in her mind, since we no longer fight, maybe we can still work. But we stopped fighting because of her, and we literally have to live separate lives to maintain that “peace”!

amtheone:
It is quite challenging what you are going through. This was not what you signed for, but this is where you are. I would advise that in the face of these challenges and pains that you remain calm.

If both of you have tried everything and it still does not work, separation should be the next step. It is better for both of you to stay apart but alive than trying to stay together and lose it all.

Don't worry so much about the kids. They will understand better when come of age. It is going to be a long journey no doubt but you will be fine. There is actually no short cut to come out of it but try and have a healthy mindset.

We’ve already tried separation. . Twice actually! The first time, he begged, made amends and I saw efforts to change, but when we got back together, he just went back to the same behavior, but this time, blamed it on me for leaving him. So I left again. . .

But then we eventually decided to come back to live together, but not be together, mainly because my oldest developed anxiety and ended up in the hospital. So now we live in different wings in the house and almost never cross paths. We have a beautiful family portrait in our living room, but have not had any family outings or even meals in years. We don’t quarell or fight, we just don’t relate with each other the way a married couple should. We only talk about the kids and shared responsibilities.

It wasn’t until I turned 40 recently that I realized that I don’t really want to live the rest of my life like this!

Kobojunkie:
1. You have one life to live, and have been living it in the worst way possible for your mental health and that of your children. What do you think you will regret about this if you decide to choose better for yourself from now on? 🥱🥱

2. You already know that you are literally harming your children and their future by continuing to remain with them in the current state. Children learn from the example shown to them by their parents. And right now, you are showing them that holding on to a miserable life is what marriage means. Is this really what you want for them? 🥱🥱

3. Why ask this question as if remaining in your state, as you described, can ever be considered a better choice?🥱🥱

1. I guess it’s just the fear of the unknown for me at this point!

2. I definitely know I want better for my kids. But my oldest recently told me that she knows I no longer want to be married to her Dad, but she doesn’t want to be from a broken home. She wanted him to “forgive him” and “give him another chance”. Of course she’s 12, and doesn’t really get it. So it got me thinking if she’s just being a kid, or if she will end up resenting me in the future.

3. I always have a choice, it’s my kids I’m worried about.

I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

This should be a good thing right?

Then maybe banks will have more funds available, and people will be able to get FOREX through the banks.

What is happening in Nigeria?

This is just too much!

Guys has anyone received a PPR for a minor?
What are the documents required?
Since they didn't do biometrics, do they still need to pay the Biometrics Transmission Fee?

Kayz3446:
I was denied my study permit and I have ordered and received my GCMS notes which I would want to share with you before applying again because I have been admitted again for a program fall 2021.please let me know how to show you the GCMS note to advise me on what to do

Okay, please send me a PM.

Kayz3446:
@letskeeptalking I will like to ask if you can give me a way to communication with you like WhatsApp.I need to talk to you regarding my application

Hi,

Please send me a PM

teefinix:
Thank you and congratutions.

I have similar situation. I have 3 children whom i want to take along while traveling this spring. I am presently awaiting response to my request for written authorization. Meanwhile, if granted, is one-way ticket ok for them? they have visit visas

..

Did the Authorization request include them? If not, you will need to get for them too.

I don't know about visiting visa though, but I think a one-way ticket should be fine. If they ask you can tell them you decided for them to stay with you for the period of your study, and they already had visas.

closetoyou:
Congr :Datulations!!

I am next bi idhnillaah

Amen!!!

Residentourist:
2. Did you do anything specially to expedite the process? Because that processing time is mind-blowing!! �

I'm having sooo many DMs all asking the same question, and I'm really getting tired of sending the same replies. So I'll just post my own little insights here and hope it helps everyone.

1. Pray and Pray and Pray . . . I know some people will argue, but I think God plays a huge role in all this.

2. Do your research . . I followed the exact steps on their website on how to apply for a visa during COVID. See link below.
https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/coronavirus-covid19/visitors/visa.html

3. I have really young children . . 3 of whom are US citizens and can come with me. I travelled with two of them. I guess they didn't want to separate my girl from the rest of her siblings.

4. It's better to travel first and then get your study permit. Because you can use that and your Canadian address to send an invitation letter to your spouse and children.

5. Reason for their travel should read something like . . . to stay with you for the period of your study since you can't be travelling back and forth to visit because of the COVID situation.

6. PoF is critical . . . I got the exact amount required for the whole family and had the cash in my account. I also had it for a long period so it showed when I sent in mybankstatement. They like to think that you will be bringing in money, rather than coming to take.

Applications are assessed on a case by case basis, so the secret is to find what works best for you and use it.

For someone without young children, you can say you need your spouse because of emotional strength, especially during this COVID situation and the likelihood of a lockdown. Being alone and separate from your spouse is not good for your mental health (or something like that). Please don't quote me oh, I'm only suggesting

If you still need further clarifications please feel free to DM, but you will have to bear with me, it may take me a bit to answer.

Disclaimer: I'm not an expert oh, just sharing what worked for me.

Residentourist:
A big congratulations to you and your family. Please I need a few clarifications from you as I hope to follow in your footsteps in a few weeks. When you said you applied for visitor's visa for your hubby and your daughter, did mean you applied for them as a sponsor ie issued invitation letter and the works or was it your husband who applied on his own and just mentioned that you were a student resident in Canada already?

Technically it was my husband that submitted the application. But I filled in all the info myself (I'm better at it). And yes, I wrote an IV letter for him and attached my study permit.

Residentourist:
2. Did you do anything specially to expedite the process? Because, that processing time is mind-blowing!! �

I used NSE.

bollybeejay:
Can you share your number?

I'm sorry . . please send me a DM and I will try and answer.

TennieYF:
The visiting visa was so fast, I've heard SOWP takes a longer time, is this true?

I think these things are done on a case by case basis.

I have a friend here whose husband's SOWP took about a month. And another who has been waiting since January . . .

I really don't know.

But, I think it helps if your children are really young.

Teeprecious:
Please I also intend to do this after I land. Does it mean ur daughter will be on visitor's permit in canada or can it be converted to study permit for the duration of your own studies too?
Also,does it mean only one's spouse can bring the kids? What of if I decide I prefer my mum cos honestly dunno how soon my hubby will tidy his business and job here to come over and I want the kids to come asap when I land.
Kindly shed more light on this.

She will be issued a study permit at the border. The primary application is a visiting visa. Study permit, work permits are all determined based on the period of stay.

You mum will also be okay. Doesn't have to be your husband. Any immediate family member will be fine.

Kkddyit:
Congratulations. Please can you share her timeline including that of your daughter.

Thank you very much.

Thanks guys . . .

I applied for my study permit on 15th of October 2020
Got my PPR 5th of Jan
Travelled to Canada on the 18th of Feb
Applied for visiting visa for hubby and daughter on the 5th of March
Got their approval on the 29th of March (Hubby missed the email so we just found out yesterday)
PS: I applied for visiting visa for hubby because he will be returning to Nigeria after bringing my daughter. Otherwise a SOWP is the right application for those who want to stay.

Guys, what's the latest procedure for submitting a Passport?
My spouse's PPR just dropped . . . and a Medical request for my daughter.
Could anyone confirm if he will need to go to the embassy to submit the passport?