₦airaland Forum

Feminine women care about everything. So, you’re probably like me in that you’ll be sad and wanting to do everything that you can to help if your man seems down. Well, this everything that I’m talking about is simply giving your feminine energy.

You could guess what my initial reactions were when I first encountered my man’s stressed-out looks, during the earlier period of our relationship. I would often take his mood as a sign of lack of affection or love for ME. I would think that it was about me. I’d think that he was angry at me, hated me, was judging me, or found me a nuisance. I would think ‘OMG, he thinks I’m ugly right now’. Or ‘he doesn’t care about me anymore’. ‘He’s so cold’. Or ‘he’s so arrogant!!’

As I have come to realize; it was never any of these things. He has never judged me. Never. I know that in my heart of hearts. But as a woman, you will know what I mean when I say that we tend to close up and get uptight and scared when our man seems to go away or get caught up for days on some problem that he needs to fix. And when he won’t open up to us; we fret. The majority of men are never judging us women as much as we think they are (if at all).

On giving or offering your ‘solutions’…..
Perhaps your man has a demanding career that requires he work outside of traditional working hours. Perhaps he just often seems to be dealing with this or that dilemma. Perhaps he is lacking sleep or rest.

And in relationships, this is probably one of the hardest things a woman will have to deal with. Of course, most of us have been taught to just approach the problem with a solution. To give advice.

No.

No giving advice unless you have been asked to. And no, this isn’t because I think you should be a docile, useless, frail woman. It’s because your job (as well as your man’s) in relationship is to give and to understand. And no masculine man wants his woman to approach him with a bunch of instructions.

Hell. No.

As soon as you approach him and start to offer “answers”, this will make him feel like he is not understood by you.

Rest assured, there will be a time for this. And, when it arises – when he asks for your input, tread carefully, and always come from a loving place.

Your marriage/relationship must work, everything must not be about DIVORCE,BREAKUPS
The goal of this article isn’t to make a man light up like Christmas lights, and be all chirpy and cheerful. The goal really is to bring light in to his life; to be the yin to his yang, and to enchant.

The very purpose of this post is to help you find a way to ease a man’s tension and give your feminine gifts. But this post is written for women in a relationship.

As a woman, I have found that the task of cheering my man up and comforting him has proven to be very difficult at times. Mostly because I am a woman, not a man; and it has taken a shift in psychology to understand that my perceptions are not my man’s perceptions, and moreover, that when I think he seems emcumbered or stressed and upset; he may not actually be looking for relief from this state he is in. He may not want to change the state he is in, unlike how a woman might by talking about it, being listened to, etc.

Like most women, if my girlfriendsare upset, I naturally ask something along the lines of:

“Are you OK honey?”

“What’s going on?”

“What’s happening?”

“Can I help?”

“Are you upset?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“I’m here for you.”

And if you probe enough and show enough care, and she trusts you, mostly, women will open up to you and talk (got to love women) what wonderful creatures we are!

But, when dealing with men, asking these questions is not always the best approach. Your task really is to give your feminine energy.

Counter-intuitive though it is – if your man is masculine and he is having financial troubles for example, it is rarely the right solution to offer your financial help, or to offer to go out and get a job or to offer your knowledge in financial investment (raising my hand to show that I’ve made this mistake before). Stupid. Stupid.

And it’s very, very hard not to want to offer this solution because it’s how we have been conditioned as women in most cultures today! And even if I tell you, instead, give your feminine energy – you may ask “how?! I’ve never been taught!!”
)

Feminine women care about everything. So, you’re probably like me in that you’ll be sad and wanting to do everything that you can to help if your man seems down. Well, this everything that I’m talking about is simply giving your feminine energy.

You could guess what my initial reactions were when I first encountered my man’s stressed-out looks, during the earlier period of our relationship. I would often take his mood as a sign of lack of affection or love for ME. I would think that it was about me. I’d think that he was angry at me, hated me, was judging me, or found me a nuisance. I would think ‘OMG, he thinks I’m ugly right now’. Or ‘he doesn’t care about me anymore’. ‘He’s so cold’. Or ‘he’s so arrogant!!’

As I have come to realize; it was never any of these things. He has never judged me. Never. I know that in my heart of hearts. But as a woman, you will know what I mean when I say that we tend to close up and get uptight and scared when our man seems to go away or get caught up for days on some problem that he needs to fix. And when he won’t open up to us; we fret. The majority of men are never judging us women as much as we think they are (if at all).

On giving or offering your ‘solutions’…..
Perhaps your man has a demanding career that requires he work outside of traditional working hours. Perhaps he just often seems to be dealing with this or that dilemma. Perhaps he is lacking sleep or rest.

And in relationships, this is probably one of the hardest things a woman will have to deal with. Of course, most of us have been taught to just approach the problem with a solution. To give advice.

No.

No giving advice unless you have been asked to. And no, this isn’t because I think you should be a docile, useless, frail woman. It’s because your job (as well as your man’s) in relationship is to give and to understand. And no masculine man wants his woman to approach him with a bunch of instructions.

Hell. No.

As soon as you approach him and start to offer “answers”, this will make him feel like he is not understood by you.

Rest assured, there will be a time for this. And, when it arises – when he asks for your input, tread carefully, and always come from a loving place.

Your marriage/relationship must work, everything must not be about DIVORCE,BREAKUPS
The goal of this article isn’t to make a man light up like Christmas lights, and be all chirpy and cheerful. The goal really is to bring light in to his life; to be the yin to his yang, and to enchant.

The very purpose of this post is to help you find a way to ease a man’s tension and give your feminine gifts. But this post is written for women in a relationship.

As a woman, I have found that the task of cheering my man up and comforting him has proven to be very difficult at times. Mostly because I am a woman, not a man; and it has taken a shift in psychology to understand that my perceptions are not my man’s perceptions, and moreover, that when I think he seems emcumbered or stressed and upset; he may not actually be looking for relief from this state he is in. He may not want to change the state he is in, unlike how a woman might by talking about it, being listened to, etc.

Like most women, if my girlfriendsare upset, I naturally ask something along the lines of:

“Are you OK honey?”

“What’s going on?”

“What’s happening?”

“Can I help?”

“Are you upset?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“I’m here for you.”

And if you probe enough and show enough care, and she trusts you, mostly, women will open up to you and talk (got to love women) what wonderful creatures we are!

But, when dealing with men, asking these questions is not always the best approach. Your task really is to give your feminine energy.

Counter-intuitive though it is – if your man is masculine and he is having financial troubles for example, it is rarely the right solution to offer your financial help, or to offer to go out and get a job or to offer your knowledge in financial investment (raising my hand to show that I’ve made this mistake before). Stupid. Stupid.

And it’s very, very hard not to want to offer this solution because it’s how we have been conditioned as women in most cultures today! And even if I tell you, instead, give your feminine energy – you may ask “how?! I’ve never been taught!!”

I see a huge problem among us women, especially when women are in a relationship. This problem is the problem of pleasing all the time. Most women would pass this off as ‘oh it doesn’t apply to me’, I’m a cool woman and I would never be one of those silly pleasers!

However, in my experience, many women like to think they’re not acting like pleasers, but they actually are. Part of this comes from not really understanding the difference between pleasing and giving.

And more often than not, truly giving to someone is counter-intuitive. It’s not something many of us have been taught. And many women mistake pleasing for giving.

The trap: Your own feminine mindset. What is valuable to men in a relationship is not the same as what is valuable to women. Most women will read this and nod, yet continue (for the rest of their lives) to give to their man in the same way they always have, which is in a way that the man perceives little value, and wonder why the relationship is failing, why they’re becoming another divorce statistic, or why their man is withdrawing or leaving, or cheating.

It’s not anyone’s fault. How are we supposed to know what we’ve never been taught?

Anyway. In your relationship, being a pleaser is a very quick way to destroy the attraction. Most of us would just rather ignore the loss. Denial is a common option. Denial feels certain, after all.

If you want to be a treasured friend to somebody, being a pleaser won’t get you there.

Pleasing and giving are two very different things. But they do have one thing in common: each of these actions fulfill 1 or more of our 6 human needs, and as such, I believe there is no truly selfless act. Even if a man dies for his wife – dying for someone is one of the most self-sacrificing acts there are. However, even in a situation like this, we are serving ourselves in some way. However small.

What I’ve noticed is that most of us operate more from a pleasing place than a giving place, and we are not consciously aware of it.

The real difference: Pleasing vs Giving
Pleasing is about you. When you try to please someone, you’re coming from a place of fear – fear of loss of love, and desperation or neediness, and you are looking for something in return; whether that be a reaction, or approval, or to get out of trouble (a mistake I’ve made) and a sign that you actually ‘did ok’.

Note: it’s not that you can’t ever need or want somebody’s approval or have fear – the point is that you don’t want to live there, and consistently act from that state of emotion.

Giving, however, comes from a place of pride. Giving is what you do when you truly care about somebody, and their future, and what they really need– not what they want, and not even what they seem to want or say they want.

If a woman is not ready to endure with a man who is going through hard time in his life and she moves to the next guy, It's a pity she will keep moving from one post to another. Experience has thought a woman like me alot, experience!!!!! Experience!!! No problem will survive forever

1: a woman who never in any means try to reach u through out the days U spent in the cell, I'm sorry she lacks care and you will regret ever marrying such woman even in sickness there will be little concern. 2: no matter how small the case might look to her, she has chances of calling to check on U but I'm sure she didn't. Let her go and find your true love else where. In relationship both party should Be ready to care, love and understand each other even when you know he/she is fine keep checking. The definition of love is lost in this generation and a lot of selfishness is involve in relationships today, I believe we should both care for each other

I won't advice you start giving yourself headache, don't blame yourself for loving him. Give him some time, but be a good wife, make his meals, dress him up in the morning, wake up by his side and pray for him. When you welcome your baby I'm sure there will be changes and please make sure he's in the labour room with you that day, some men need to see the pains we women go through during childbirth. Stay good dear

Maaamaaa:
I will try my best not be biased about our story and if you have any questions to ask please do.

I met him last year December precisely and we both work in the same office, we became best of friends but he was in a relationship (distant) and I was single.
We were really close because we both were new in town with no family around and then I fell in love with him and opened up about my feelings to him but he said he was in a relationship.

I was hurt but I held my head up and moved on. I started mingling with other male colleagues and then he became jealous and so I confronted him about it (still loved him) and u also told him to choose between us and he said he wants me. His decision was based on the fact that the other lady was far away, he thought she was promiscuous and she is an OND holder etc (I got to find out about this later).

We moved in together because of financial stress and talked about getting married next year... Late June this year I found out he had not broken up with the other lady, confronted him about it and he settled the issue.

I got pregnant July and he asked for an abortion, I insisted on keeping the baby with or without marriage.. He finally accepted to marry me and proceeded to tell my parents(he later said I forced him to that). He accused me of so many things and called me different names.

He traveled to his hometown and informed his parents about it all and met with the lady. On his return, he said the lady gives him peace and if I lose this pregnancy he will go back with her and that he loves her but he is just getting married to me because he respects my family and do not want to bring shame to me at work.

I cried, prayed and endured it all. Two weeks ago his family came for the introduction and the wedding has been fixed for December but I'm not happy.

I'm a shadow of myself, he feels disgusted by my presence and I can't say anything without him getting angry. I used to nag and quarrel a lot but I've stopped, even when I'm angry I just walk away.

He does not care about me and this pregnancy and if I tell him I'm sick or tired or anything, he will just say that I'm not the first to get pregnant and that it's when I push the baby he will take responsibility.

I have tried my best and I'm confused, last night I called him peacefully to ask him what I'm doing wrong but he said I'm disturbing him. I used to call his parents and my parents to intervene but he said I should stop that and I have stopped.

Please what can I do to save our relationship, it's not easy for me . this is not the man I fell in love with help me and please I need your advice because I am ready to do anything.

I want my child to have a normal family.

If that man is caring and he does all what you stated, it's obvious he has something to say as well. Like a poster said in one of the comments, it seems it was all rosy until another phase of life took over. You made a point describing how you curse him each time he's having sex with you(the father of your child) and you think he's stagnant when all you do is curse him(that's wickedness) and It shows you as well have your own attitude. I learnt not to judge people when things are been written behind them until I hear the other side of the story. Did you said he took you in and you didn't tell him, you don't love him, when things are rosey and fun you were there and never thought he is living with his family. Are His family good to you? People from a broken home find it difficult to handle their relationship which I believe is what you are going through, you have been through a lot. I had a similar experience as well but I lost my dad and mom due to their inability to accept their mistakes. I believe you will complain if that man has allowed you do chores, go through a lot of stressful things as well. You both have your wrongs and you need to either leave him since you don't love him. I'm regretting the decision of leaving my hubby of 15yrs to a man whom I thought will make me happier. I've lifted and weighed the both sides(my first husband and the other man), I should have stayed back and make my home. Do not judge anyone until you hear from the other side. Young lady I believe you still have a brighter future ahead of you, get something that will bring an income for you and live peacefully with yourself, forgive yourself and everything that needs forgiveness in your life. NB: No one will narrate a disagreement/fight in a way that he/she wants to get blamed, it will all be narrated to his/her own's benefit. Is it that the guy has been so bad(wicked and no good thing about him). Do you mean you don't have a family? I think there is something in your behaviors as well, work on yourself and talk to God. how old is your child? If that child
Grows up and realize you never loved his/her father, you will face a problem with her. Heaven be with you.