₦airaland Forum

DEFINITION OF A TEENAGER

Teenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups
in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo sapiens due to
physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many
researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species
altogether. Very territorial.
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer
groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and
responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can
consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are
usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides
and look ridiculous.
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes,
throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract
males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their
approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and
shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other
males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold
telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged
for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My
HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving
energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers
concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking
dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo sapiens
families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one
Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite,
rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this
rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the
host Homo sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.

2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or
inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager."
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support.
("I have a Teenager at home." Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue
clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

Four Men and Their Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the
fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.

"T-Square, do your stuff."

T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could
do better.

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your
dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured
his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,
put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

Rocket Science

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne
fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshield of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the
gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the
barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed
through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along
with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for
suggestions.

NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken."

Insulting Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're
really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more
said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went
into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The
store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot
didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey,
lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

Two tigers

Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to
the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom
of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and
says, "I said stop it!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The
front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the
taste out of my mouth!"

Boys & Girls

What is the difference between a boy and a girl?
A boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

Modern government regulations

Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas . . .
. . . there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she
uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together
and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me
plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did; The
wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my
wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At
last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked
the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They
wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No,
I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow.
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck.
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.
And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the
little red hen, shouting obscenities. When the government agent came, he said to
the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so
wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our
modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of
their labor with those who are lazy and idle."

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her
neighbors became quite disappointed in her, for she never again baked any more
bread.

Accountant Goes to Jail

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, "I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"
The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

oooooooooooooooh ma goodness

[quote][/quote]1 on: Today at 12:48:57 PM »

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visitin d rich wil only worsen your case if u are poor because d way most of them treat d poor.just pray poverty shouldn't b your portion


dats really funny

@tessy
hmmmm, do i sense some kaina . . . . .

D divorced babie will come wit a lot of extras after screwing her husband at d divorce court.

By then internet wunt be in xistence. All u av to do is close ur eyes and send telepathic messages.

J'accord

No we won't

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to
the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to
Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people
to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll
burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

After a holiday

After a holiday, workers were coming back to work, and those who had already
been inside the workshop, greeted every new arrival walking in with the same
question, "Hey, pal, how have your holiday been?" And everybody would answer
proudly, "It was a beautiful celebration. I don't remember a thing!"

Really Tied One On

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until
it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to
wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That
wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back
pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk
though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt.

He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to UnCloth.
Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough,
he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as
best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed.

When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was
hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story.


Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you
really tied one on last night. Where were you?"

"I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of
beer."

"A couple of beer? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where
did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all
the band-aids stuck to the mirror, "

Scotch & Water

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a
scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and
I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink.
In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one
around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one
too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold
your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

Hey That’s Inflation For Ya

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every
day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her
pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as
the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual,
the pretzel woman spoke to him: " Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a
good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has
increased to 35 cents."

Jet Fuel

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at
JFK airport in New York; it's fogged over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The
other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a
buzz." So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old
time like only drinking buddies can do.

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear
his head will explode from the awful hangover he's going to have. He gets up and
feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!

The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey how are you feeling
this morning? I'm actually feeling really good!" The buddy says, "Me too! I feel
great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover, we ought to do this more
often!"

"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing, " "What's that?" "Did you fart
yet?" "No, Why?" "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!"

Naming The Business

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to:
"Hysteria and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go, so they tried:
"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again, so they tried:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive.":

Still not good, so they tried:
"Minds and Behinds".

Still no go. Nor did:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts",
"Nuts and Butts",
"Freaks and Cheeks" or
"Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Reply To A Rejection Letter

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or
publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful
consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to
offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book]. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of
rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is
impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding
qualifications and previous experience in rejecting[applicants/manuscripts], I
find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I
will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following
[graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working
with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,

[your name]

Advertising Secretary

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed
off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned
her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly
covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped
angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you
quit advertising it."

efcc

.

Q.Wats d difference btw a wife and a girl friend.
A. About 45 Ibs

"I do", the longest sentence known to man.

"I do", the longest sentence known to man.

I never was, i'm always to be. None ever saw me, nor ever will, and yet i'm the confidence of all who live and breath on the terrestrial ball.

Riddle me this:chap5

I never was, i'm always to be. None ever saw me, nor ever will, and yet i'm the confidence of all who live and breath on the terrestrial ball.


Check bak 4 answer

clue:one word

@ioday
luks lyk u're tryn to get on ma nerves.

Seems lyk u dnt even get me. "I'm kul" simply means i'm okay wid watever is goin down. OK??