₦airaland Forum

Ishilove: Okay Ms Fibre, I've read your story. It's very imaginative and creative. Your style sort of reminds me of 'Famished Road by Ben Okri and The Perfect Husband by Amos Tutuola. Surreal settings that leave you desperately trying to picture everything being described. Very strong narrative skills, though I found the repetition of 'croak' and 'croaking' rather distracting. All in all, very nice.

Watch your metaphors: "Now even the sun seemed to be against him as it shone from the sky with the harshness of a child whose piece of yam was collected.". I don't get the similarity. A child who's yam has been collected and the beating of the unmerciless sun on human body have very little in common.

And:
"shading his eyes as the rays fell into his pupil"
Shading his eyes with what? Or you meant 'narrowed his eyes?

Watch it.

I also found the ending a bit confusing. Did time go back and everything Ezegamba lost was restored to him, like the biblical Job? Was it all a dream from the start? Why did the man want to question his creator if it was all a dream? The man embarked on a journey and found himself face to face with himself at the end of the journey. In essence, we all have the potential to be kings or to be great in our chosen field, if only we can look deep enough to tap into the mine of greatness buried deep in every man. The Creator, as pointed out in the story is Man. Man holds his destiny in his own hands.

Which leads us back to the question: WHY DID THE MAN EMBARK ON THE JOURNEY OF ENLIGHTENMENT?

The ending kinda left me in a loop, but asides that, I like it. Thumbs up

Since it is a competition and I am not allowed to defend myself like it is in X-Factor.

Thank you!!

https://www.nairaland.com/1454855/short-story-competition-submission-thread

With all pleasure

Madawaki01: ur first few lines didn't capture my attention,d story is kinda boring.

I don't really know about that, maybe you are not grounded in literature that's why you can't see the beauty of it. Not everything is all about laughs.

Thank you for your analysis though

repogirl: owkay, I've gone through. Fantasy, Good job, i like your imagination, nice word play too, poetic kinda, vivid descriptions, good use of English. You get some points for opening the competition. Its still early, lets see what others have got for us.

writers, Una never chop liver finish? I'm hungry o.

p.s. @ mazi, am I free to write my shortcomings about the stories, or do I just keep it to myself.

Ehm. **Dancing skelewu**

Thank you so much. I appreciate. I did not know I was writing fantasy, I just put my spirit into it and wrote it.

Thanks for pointing it out.

#I pray I qualify for the next round.#

I am waiting for my children o

There is no harm in going first. My submission has been made. Oya, all my soldiers follow me.

**Goes into praying and fasting mode**

A loud bang came from nowhere, followed by a high pitched shout, a loud crack and the Man felt himself swing high up into the air. His eyes still remained shut and no matter how hard he tried to open it, it wouldn’t. He felt himself falling helplessly from where he was parched, his hand clutching at his staff. Earth and death seemed far away as he kept falling without impact. The impact came when he least expected it, he passed out.

“Stranger…” The voice was silent and soft, having a calm effect on the ear.

“Hmmmm”, a grunt was followed by a rustic cough.

“The king passes through this road, do not lay there and allow yourself to be ridden over.” The voice said to him. He felt a tug on his rib and opened his eyes slowly. The sun was up, its rays casting a deep shadow over his face. The sun was blocked by a face. He adjusted his eyes until it fell on the face.

“We now have a king here?”

He asked the beautiful woman standing over him. His eyes were careful not to look between her legs which were thrown into his view.

“You really need to get off the road stranger. Your death will forever remain on my conscience if I allow you die as would a dog.” She was adamant and he had no option but to stand up.

He stood up slowly, expecting to feel pain since he had fallen from quiet a height. He felt nothing. His staff was still in his hand, his water gourd tied safely to his waist. Not even a dent on the calabash. His eyes were fastened on the sun which appeared strange to him. Instead of the normal round ball of golden flame, the moon stood in the center of sky. Appearing so big, he could see oceans flowing through it. The sky around the “sun” was pitch-black instead of the normal light blue. Trees hung upside down from the sky, with a giant waterfall pouring itself away without wetting the earth he stood on.

He stood transfixed as birds flew backward.

“Stranger, your legs are shaking.” The beautiful angel said to him, wearing an amused smile.

“Yes, my lady. I am surprised by all I am seeing. I am not used to it.”

“You wanted to question your creator. This is your chance”, the woman said to him.

“My creator, where is my creator?” He asked.

A point from her finger made him turn, bubbles of waters as of clouds went up into the sky. Hooves beating on the ground advanced. A loud trumpet sounded and for once he became aware of the chattering and houses surrounding him. He was standing meters away from a giant golden gate.

“Prepare to meet your creator”, were the last words of the woman.

She made her way to the side of the road and into the crowd of people who were already cheering. He walked in her direction but lost sight of her so he turned and waited for the advancing horses or whatever was making the galloping noises to appear. He had begun to reconcile himself to the strange happenings around him. He had woken to a silver sun and backward flying birds. Anything could have its legs formed as hooves so he waited.

Dogs were the first group of entourage to pass by the Man, their tail coming out of their mouth as of a tongue. They mewed instead of barked; the melody of their unique mewing was like keys of a grand piano. They had hooves instead of paws and their body was covered with prickly feathers. Such adorable creatures with gold dust jumping out of their body.

Next was a fanfare of dwarves each holding a long, golden trumpet. They walked with their legs barely touching the ground, their lips glued to the trumpet never for once stopping to catch their breath. The sound produced by the trumpets was unique to the “mewing” of the dogs. Diamonds flew out of the trumpet but to the Man’s surprise, none of the spectators seemed to bend down to pick even a handful. They vanished into the giant gate that adorned the great wall. None opened the door, the guards just stood there unmoved.

“All hail the great King!!!” The voice was the booming of thunder in a tropical storm.

Earth vibrated by the sound of a heavy footfall and the Man waited, holding his breath. It had legs of wood, arms made out of iron and face formed out of clay. Its body was dripping with rubies and other precious stones as it walked past and again, none bent down to take even the tiniest. It shrunk as soon as it got to the little gate on the great wall and entered into it.

The king came, walking on his own. Group after group of people had passed earlier, each displaying riches beyond the Man’s imagination. Yet the king was simple. The King was dressed in same robe as the people. The king had the same staff as the Man, his face full of smiles. The king raised the staff to acknowledge the ear-deafening roar and chants from the crowd. The king walked with roses appearing underneath his feet as he took each step. The king paused in front of the man, smiling into his eyes and beckoning on him to follow him.

The man tried to resist, but a force pulled him along as he followed the King into the palace. The beauty of the inner wall was far beyond what he could comprehend. Everything was in a state of perfection. He stood admiring everything, not being able to touch them. The king himself stood at a distance and watched.

“You want to question your creator? Now is the chance to do so.” The man swung around at the voice of the king which sounded exactly like his own. The king stretched his hand towards him.

“Whatever question you have for your creator, you can answer yourself. All you need to do is look deeper inside you. Every man has riches stored within him, immense glory that can only be tapped when the man looks deeply into himself. If you look for a long time, searching within yourself and forget about the world, you will float only in unlived dreams. Live your life but draw from the resources you have buried within you.”

The man had gotten to the king who was standing in front of a giant mirror. He looked at his reflection on the mirror and was shocked to see he had the same countenance as the king. For once, his questions were all answered without his asking.

***************************************************************

“Ezegamba, wake up. The sky has begun to roll back its blanket to usher in the sun.” The voice of his wife fell onto his ears like cold water.

He turned to see his ever loving wife holding a mud lamp and peering into his face. He stood up gently, hearing the melody of his sister’s voice. She had already begun her morning chores of sweeping the compound. He looked at his keg of almost empty palmwine and smiled. His staff lay close to the keg. He picked the keg, the staff and collected a hug from his wife before going outside to the morning cold. He walked to the backyard, picked up his climbing rope, which he slung around his shoulder, and cutlass.

His voice broke the morning with a popular song, sending the birds shrieking into the sky.





[size=30pt]THE END[/size]

[size=30pt]THE MAN WITHIN (2,309 WORDS)

BY

MISS_FIBRE

AN ENTRY MADE INTO THE COMPETITION[/size]



*******************************************************************************************

He looked into the piercing sunlight, shading his eyes as the rays fell into his pupil. He had been standing there for a long time, hoping that destiny would finally answer his call. When passion and emotion ripped him apart, he stood. Even when his best friend poisoned his only son and eloped with his sister, he still stood. The whole village came together, burnt his house, his wife dying in the inferno, and yet he stood. Now even the sun seemed to be against him as it shone from the sky with the harshness of a child whose piece of yam was collected.

He had been trekking along the plains for some days, feeding on wild fruits picked along the road. While some of the fruits nourished him, others made him stool for long periods. Rain fell abundantly on him, washing him over and over again. His water gourd had been filled to the brim with the rain water. His beards had outgrown his face giving him an outlandish look, while long nails protruded from his fingers which clutched firmly on a staff. He had used the staff to warn away wild animals whenever he encountered them. The trees had turned to his bed at night, the whispering crickets and noisy owls his companions for bed time.

“Croak”, the noise jolted him. He had to quickly grab a branch, stopping himself from slipping. What a frog had come to do so high up on a tree confounded his reasoning. His eyes opened to the darkness whose thickness made a Man unable to see his nose. It was more like he was sleeping but this time his breath had taken an irregular pattern. He wished he had a source of light with him. At least he would be able to chase the darkness away.

“Crooaakkk!”

The sound came out louder, just a little above him. He heard a movement of leaves and tweaking of branches which made him freeze in expectation. He had long done away with fear; instead, he was bothered by the lack of light.

“What would a living soul with fresh blood stained with bitterness be doing so deep in the jungle?” a croaky voice asked. It was accompanied by the same croaking sound that had startled him. It seemed the owner of the voice had a bad cough which sounded like a croak.

“I am a Man who had been wronged. I seek an explanation to the wicked ways of Man. I am on a journey of discovery”.

He said all this in one breath. His eyes had gotten accustomed to the darkness but his nose still was the only thing he could see. He looked upward, hoping to catch a view of the person or creature that had asked him a question. Darkness stared back at him, even the sky which peaked from an opening of leaves appeared to be battling with dark clouds. His arm reached for his staff which he grabbed. He lifted it gently, using it to part the leaves directly in front of him, the same place the movement stopped. He saw the creature.

The creature appeared to be hung upside down as its long hair creased down its face. Its face had deep etches of aging, eyes deep blue and lips pale pink, wrinkled at the edges. Only a head turned upside down with the dark night hiding the rest of his body. It was the face of a Man, a very old Man with long grey hairs. The sight sent shivers down his spine. It was his first encounter with the extraordinary.

How he could see the creature in the pitch black darkness was no mystery as the creature had a glow round about it. Light seemed to be emitting from the inside of the creature to the surface. He was scared, his hairs stood at attention like a magnetic surface was attracting them while his lips trembled in confusion. This was more than he had bargained for. His eyes were locked to that of the creature whose eyes seemed to be digging into the inner part of his soul.

“You are allowing your bitterness make you question the universe?” It sounded more like a statement than a question; he could provide no answer to it. The face beheld him, its eyes now roaming around his face. It rested at the staff in his hand and something that looked like a smile broke out from its lips. The sight of its teeth which were more like the gum of a toothless old Man, made the air round the Man stand still. The smile had worked its way into the eyes of the creature, leaving creases at the edge of its eyes.

“A troubled Man has the right to question his creator” The Man said after what seemed like eternity.

He had mustered all the courage he could to say such in such the presence of such a fearsome creature. His lips had gone dry, the moisture in his tongue absent. It felt like wiping his tongue against a dry wood when he swiped his tongue quickly over his lips to wet it.

“It is better sometimes to let sleeping dogs lie.” The Creature croaked at him.

He was already used to the illumination surrounding the creature that he did not think twice before taking his staff back and allowing the leaf to cover the space he had opened. He adjusted his already blistering buttocks to the other side and lay down again on the wide branch. His mind was full and what he had considered as the toughest of his worries had become the least of his worries. The croaking sound of the creature no longer bothered him as he looked forward to seeing the break of dawn.

“When drowning, a straw at the river bank can offer you succor”

The creature croaked one last time and the night went back into its deafening silence. Even the crickets who were gathered to play in the moonless night seemed to have retired into the underground houses. The prevailing silence did not jolt the Man as he closed his eyes, finally happy that nature had decided to be peaceful.

Wow!!!... Ehm... I look forward to seeing the first person to drop his story.

Stakes too high.

[quote author=Mazi_Omenuko]Submission date has been fixed already. We will start collecting from 30th september and end 2nd october. We may have to create a new thread strictly for submissions.

Seems your work is done. That's good.[/quote]The work is already in progress, just wondering so I won't submit it and start seeing story that touch.

Remember, you said you will be my number one fan, I hold your word to it.

When do we start submission as I am yet to see any submission or is there a different thread for that?

HumbledbYGrace: Relax ma'am, we don't want you to have wrinkles yet.

I'm relaxed. **panting**

2nd of October is a done date

[quote author=Mazi_Omenuko]That's the spirit! Consider me your number one fan. I'll be cheering for you from the judges stand! Don't disappoint me.[/quote]I don't associate disappointment with my name but you need to remind me of something. I was in a haste and did not see the date for the competition. Please brief me

Though I have not tried my hands on a story here on Nairaland, I know I am going to win this competition. I am in!!!

Clemzy16: seconded. https://www.nairaland.com/1387874/naija-thug-life-foxy-flow1759

Fourtened

This story is the bomb.

Lol, I have been away for so long, this is a nice way in welcoming me back.

Thanks Foxy and Flow

Funny none of you noticed this part:

''You don't think the President spends 1 billion naira on feeding, do you?''

I just dey laugh...

Mucheche!!

When you get my comment on your thread eh, know it that you are doing well....

BTW... Would you continue, sitting down on a fence is both deadly and tiring!!

yemi2plus2: you don ever read any complete story by foxy?

Yes...

Attai the player from kano

God!!!

Thank you Yemi2plus2 for posting this link

texanomaly: I figured I could send a PM, but I didn't want to presume.

You can always PM him but then I want to ask, are we fighting? You started ignoring me after that little brawl in Flow's thread.

Hey, I meant no harm there, friends??