₦airaland Forum

Eze2000:
80% of battered women say what you have just said.

You see, by definition and character, a man is an animal. Push a harmless animal into a tight corner and it will attack you.

Wishing you the best my dear.

Thanks for your good wishes. God bless u

Brils:
your husband is a phlegmatic.. you would have studied his character before marrying.. all what you have to do is to tell him about the dangers of procrastinating and not working hard..make him to see things different.

Sure thing. I'll talk to him.

@poster above, lol, leave already. You've said bye like a million times. Leave. There you go, I didn't quote you. Leave.

selflessmaya:
[img]https://68.media.tumblr.com/f601b82230762f63250a5a9579a8cdec/tumblr_oji598zNrc1r1ult6o

Bye

FortuneTeller:
Don't pay those bitter mouths any mind. Let them live life first, then talk. I'm praying for you and I know tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Thanks jare.
I don't know what that person is still doing here after saying she's leaving.
Thanks for your well wishes.

selflessmaya:
[size=11pt]lmao girl bye, it's not me you're mad at. every 2 seconds u run here to post about your sad life and complain, then totally ignore every single advice given to you cos you cant help being stupid, so, dont read anything, u know it all and it's working out sooo well for u which is why you're always here crying out for advice. again, it's not me you're mad at.

If you weren't such a dumbass you would know what it means to filter suggestions and decide to go with what suits you best. but you're a dumbass that thinks hoodrat behaviour translates to intelligence.

Bye too.

Take your mannerless self back to lipstickalley or whatever foreign website you and your fellow hoodrats hang out.

@selflessmaya,
glad you're leaving. Get the hell out, nobody needs your worthless advice.
I didn't read it anyway, just scrolled to the end where you saw yourself out. Bye, keep moving.
Madam intelligent and logical.
People with better and more meaningful posts said their piece politely and left and one person with no iota of sense in her post was the only one throwing insults.

yvelchstores:
dear op , I believe I can be of use to u but I don't want to drop my contact information. Can u create a new email and send to me? I have useful information for u. All d best.

t25zs@boun.cr

yvelchstores:
hi, I just want to say, you are being very rude to the lady. You have a date, to you, your life is 100% cos you are so "smart". It's OK. I know your type, you don't laugh last.in your infinite wisdom, it will one day dawn on you that you were not as 100% as you thought. As expected, u will reply me in a manerless tone. Still, you don't matter to me. I had to reply you cos I can only imagine how your comment will make the op feel. Ciao.

She will not even listen to you. Can't you see that she already convinced herself that she is so logical and intelligent?
Having a child now means you will be stuck in marriage forever, imagine the foolishness.

Lol, God forbid my child will never suffer.
Either give advice without involving my kid or stfu. Such nonsense.
Yes, I got pregnant knowing the kind of person I married because I wanted a kid. I wanted to have a child for a long time and I can comfortable care for myself and my child even if I leave him so getting pregnant doesn't translate to being stuck with him forever.
I don't know why people on this site think because you ask for advice that gives them the right to type any and every sort of rubbish to you.

Eze2000:
I'm an author and a relationship phschologist of sorts. The number one reason for domestic violence is that the laid complete claim over the woman in his mind ..she is his property to do with as he wishes and nothing will happen. The op here should never have taken this path. if she quits now her hubby will see as his right being taken away and start beating her. it is best she leaves that house.

Lady, u should watch your tongue on social media. There are all manner of people behind a username and these days they are illiterates or undergrads....or shameless as called me.

Lol no.
He's not the violent type.

FortuneTeller:
Op does your husband drive? Is it possible to get a car so he can drive for uber? Do your parents have any connections that could help him get a labor job? Some men are very lazy in terms of seeking a job, but if you get them a job, they can do it. If it becomes too much, please go to your parents home so that you can relax until the baby comes.

He can drive. If the uber job pays well I think I will suggest it. I said if it pays well because he is a proud person and wont want to be called a driver so unless the monetary returns is much he will not be motivated to put pride aside and do it. But I will research uber jobs in my area to see if I can find anything. My parents can't really connect him. They are retired. Even me, their daughter, they can't connect me, their money is mostly from real estate, not company jobs and they live in a different state.

eyinjuege:
It's tough being the only one bringing in the money for the home . Family income is very important where both of you bring in something.
But what can you do in your situation?
I'm not certain divorce is the answer though. Like I said earlier, take up the financial reigns of your life. If your husband is not ready to face reality, then do things yourself. This period that you're pregnant, and not working if things get too tough, go to your parent's home. At least food will be assured, and your folks will probably treat you like an egg because you're expecting.

Thanks, you've been very helpful on both threads.
I never intended to depend fully on him for money or be a stay at home wife and before taking in I was very actively seeking a better job cos my job wasn't paying well to support everything we need. I wish I can rest at my parents house right now but he will not understand. He expects me to be there with him running the house and cooking.

FortuneTeller:
He is lazy and broke, so it has led to you not feeling attracted to him any longer. If you don't feel he will change, there are really only 2 options. Work hard and become the family breadwinner. Some women are ok with this arrangement, because they prefer being in charge. The other is to let the marriage go before it's too late and you have lost your chance at remarriage. Personally, I would rather be with a bricklayer than remain with an unemployed professor. Men who don't work, don't have any appeal.

crescentmoon

I agree.

I was the breadwinner before I got pregnant. After delivery I can continue.I wish he would pull his weight, I just don't want a situation where I am constantly providing everything and forcing myself to stay with a person I resent for all eternity.
He doesn't even network or job hunt in his free time. Always hanging around the area in a bar(tho he doesn't drink only chats) and waiting for people to call him and give him contracts.

babythug:
Dear OP,

What is done is done ie you've married him already. The choices are to stay and develop coping strategies or to leave and hope you'd get it right with the next man that comes your way.

Decide what's important for now, for me I'd say it's remaining in good health during your pregnancy and having a healthy baby eventually.
Assess the union thoroughly and weigh the positives against the negatives. Write down so it's clear to you!
Do you by any chance still love him?

I don't think there is love. Just growing resentment. He doesn't listen to my suggestions, its either he ignores me or starts an argument about why I should be patient and wait for his present job to bring money which he hasn't done in up to two months.

And I have to eat well to have a safe delivery so I always cook thrice a day with my money. I can't cook without adding his portion so I am the one feeding us both. No cash to fuel gen or pay light bill.

drjustice17:
Leaving ur marriage is not the main option. And by avoiding Sexual relationship with him, will put more problem to the already existing problem. Cos, sex in a marriage is like oil in a car, immediately is goes down, red light will start to blink.
There is no perfect marriage anywhere. Every marriage has it own problem.
I will gv u three steps to restore glory in ur marriage.
1) Try as much as possible to satisfy you husband sexually. this will help him to think and work harder for his family and future. An emotional distard man is a weak man.
2) When u hv restore una sexual life, try n sit him down, and tell him to put a little effort, that everything will be ok.

I will try my best. But it is difficult to sleep with a person you feel no attraction to. But I will try.

eyinjuege:
OP, I read your previous thread.

You have entered one chance.

Just begin to see yourself as a single parent. You can't force your husband to find work if he's not interested in doing so.
Once you can focus on having a safe delivery and planning for your child's future knowing you're going to be the sole provider (at least for your child), you will eventually find peace and learn to play the hand you've been dealt.

I am so ashamed to inform my parents that I want to end everything. They warned me to not marry him but I didn't listen. I believed his lies which they saw through before warning me.

Benita27:
Didn't you court your husband before marriage?. This usually is the period to study and understand who you're getting married to and to tell if you're both compatible to be a couple. It's a stage you could easily filter lies from what's on ground.

You've already made the mistake of marring someone who's complacent with whatever level he's at. You could help him get back on track not just to save your marriage but to save him from himself. He needs motivation. Get him biographies of goal getters who started from little or scratch. Hearing/reading other people's stories.

Thank you. We were in a long distance relationship for more than half the time so I wasn't close to him to confirm his lies.
And about motivating him, I will keep trying but he usually just keeps mute and holds a straight face when I do that.
He has friends and relatives in our town that are very affluent, I wonder sometimes how come he doesn't feel challenged by seeing his peers' successes.

vivypretty:
@ op are u not a human being. maybe when u start hustling n bringing money he will man up.show uvcan do better .marriage is sacred not every little thing divorce

I am pregnant ma, like I said in my post. Please suggest what kind of hustling is suitable for me.

Presently the money we survive on is from my savings from working before I got pregnant and that is quite meager and won't be enough for us in the long run. I have advised him to get a better paying job but he ignored me like I didn't even say anything.
His laziness irritates me and I think even he is starting to pick up on the resentment. I have a feeling he married me thinking I would take care of the both of us because I have affluent parents.

I stopped finding him attractive and have been avoiding sexual encounters with him. I don't know if my being pregnant is the reason or its because I am put off by his laziness and inability to plan for the future which are two things he admitted by himself after we got married. And no I didn't know all of that before we got married because he told a number of lies about his financial status so I assumed he was quite put together and had his life in order. Its just recently he started saying things like 'black people are backwards because they don't plan for the future' and he doesn't know whether to point fingers because he himself doesn't plan for the future. He isn't even so young to know that his way of life is wrong. He is a mature man. When I bring up the issue of how he needs to work harder and save up for our unborn child he starts arguing that I worry too much and I need to learn to leave the future to take care of itself.

GH a well paying job in the health sector. I really need money for my family.

chloride6:
Boy am I glad I found this thread, it's almost 3am and I can't sleep.

Anyway OP, lemme clear you on hand.

That your bobo no serious at all!

Does he have a degree? In what? What grade?

So your husband is hustling. Ha!!!!

Hustle is his big game to feed his family. Omo you don enter am.

What kind of financial situation do you think you will always be in?

No glimpse of financial security in sights.

That his kind of works can bring 5m tommorow next you will not see shit for the next 5 years.

Tell him you are not interested in that business abeg.

Let him get a job or do business that has a defined market and can be at least predictable so you guys can plan.

Stamp your feet no dull at all. You are fighting for your life and happiness here.

Like I said more details pls. Is he educated, learnt a trade lets know his options.

Have a nice day


Modified

Hope the age difference between you two ain't so much.

So that you can have the confidence to talk.

What your husband doesn't realize is that hustling was okay for a single guy, but for a married guy, hell no!

Single guys can stay and live life as it comes.

A married man needs more money.

Let him know he is no more a boy.

Thanks a lot.

He painted a false picture of the nature of hjis job to me. He said he already has customers that will patronise him and link him to other buyers. I went into the marriage fully assured that he has his finances in order.

If I bring up the fact that he deceived me he immediately shuts down and stops talking and starts holding face as if I am insulting him.

He is seeking other jobs right now though, just that in Nigeria its a bit difficult to get a good well paying job. Long ago, we both discussed what you said about hustling not being good enough and he agreed to get a stable job. He searches online and has put his CV up in different sites. So we hopehe finds something soon because for now, nothing. No job.

solasoulmusic:
Encourage him pray for him help him advertise his business he is your partner for life.

People often think that we all work separate when we are married but you are both on the team his job is not just to provide for your family alone be a helping hand

done all that. I even created a thread on nairaland with another moniker to advertise his business.

BoboYekini:
I see needsanswers conveniently glossed over Maclatunji's question about who paid/pays the rent. Her answer: 'He SAID he has paid'. Cmon girl. It's just 6months; of course he's paid for the roof over both your heads. If you insist on making it look like you went into the marriage looking for a provider, then it's time you started showing gratitude for the shelter. Abi where is the love?

Wow are you being serious right now?
He paid rent so I should henceforth become the provider and homekeeper and his surbodinate while he does nothing?
He paid rent so I shouldn't complain right?

The cash I have spent sustaining us both these past few months has greatly exceeded the rent so how about that? Should I keep spending just to show gratitude that he paid rent?
Please don't make me annoyed.

Others came and acknowledged that it is the husband's duty to provide and you are here veering off course with your talk about rent and gratitude.

johnson232:
Hmmm.... i don't support this!

Maybe the sales he is making is not encouraging, why not work with him to see if he can get a better job. .

Thanks, I will do my best to work with him but just that my own job takes a lot of my time

ElsonMorali:
Just one question for you madam. Did you have to marry him because you were pregnant for him or maybe because you were in your late thirties?

.

He had a lot of qualities I like. I hate confrontations and bad relationship with others and he seemed like someone who I could live in peace with for a long time.

Am not even thirty yet so I didn't marry cos of old age.

Thanks maclatunji and everyone that gave sound advice. I wish I could mention your names individually.

I have figured out what to do about this situation.

maclatunji:
If you don’t mind my asking, do you pay rent? Who does?

From what you have said, you have a burnt-out entrepreneur. You might either have to quietly help get him a job or suggest business ideas he can work on. Maybe he will not mind things like Uber?

Just keep discussing with him until you find a workable formula.

He told me he paid for the rent before I moved in with him after marriage.

I have suggested others, from poultry to fish farming to yes, even the Uber. I even suggested that we move out of the country to any UAE country where I saw some job adverts online but he didn't like the idea. Said his business pays a lot and I just need to give him time.
Another thing is that he doesn't want to do jobs that are tasking. He didn't say so directly, I picked it up from the things he says.

cruchenuti:
Lmao. I just noticed your moniker is needforanswers ...chaiii

Madam the advise you have received here is enough. Go and implement them.

I know, I got good advice, but thanks for pointing it out.
I want to clear those that don't understand me fully or those asking questions to get a better picture.

maclatunji:
Before you married him there must have been things you liked about him. Why don't you try using those positives to try to motivate him? He may be burnt-out but nonetheless he is not displaying a sense of responsibility or shame that he relies on his wife for feeding permanently and does little or nothing about it.

The problem is not entrepreneurship which is really tough but his not even making an effort. You should try to help him see that he is better-off being active and successful for himself first and then by extension you is wife and future children.

Sometimes some men improve if they are helped with a job. It's your marriage, try to figure it out for you. My final note is don't criticize him to put-him-down, constructively engage to lift-him-up.

Yes, there were things I liked about him. He is a good conversationist and that is what helps him to market his products. He also isn't controlling or a bully, more of a live and let live type of person. Apart from the very laid back unconcerned attitude to providing he doesn't give me issues in any way.
He is not a troublesome person at all but unfortunately he is not doing the one thing he ought to be doing as a head of house.