Dear all,

I have looked long and hard at the current faiths and religions in the marketplace, and while I believe that they by and large do a reasonable job of satisfying the spiritual needs and aspirations of their followers, I do not feel that they quite in keeping with the needs of a 21st century world.

Specifically, they are not democratic enough - they do not encourage user-participation and leadership accountability.

Well I have decided that this should change. So I hereby announce the formation of the Temple of the Sacred Coconut by myself, (Reverend (Evangelist) ((Prophet) Pastor) (Apostle (Dr.))(I'm not sure if there's still an unclosed bracket out there somewhere)) Ka.

The one thing I have decided on so far is that the symbol for this new faith shall be the Coconut, as it symbolises accessibility and utility.

However, in the spirit of democracy, I have decided to encourage user participation in the drawing up of the tenets of this new faith. So I would like to know what ideals you would like the Temple to exhort people to abide by.

Remember that by participating and joining in, you are joining the fastest growing religion in the world today - over the last second, our membership has grown from 0 to 1 person (i.e. myself). If we can grow by 1 person per second, imagine the potential for growth!

Looking forward to your responses,

Yours sincerely,

((Elder) (Priest ((High Prophet)) Evangelist) (Cardinal (Most Reverend))) Ka.

Nice thinking pal... Its like 3 AM so I may not be thinking right now. I promise though that I will write up something later in the day and I will like to propose the position of treasurer for this new business sorry church... Nor worry, all will be well dear pastor..

Why did u just grab my post like that now?

And I'd like to be the co-treasurer, accountant, and money-manager! So when should we start recruiting investors founding members for our new church?

During my recent attempt to promote a new religion, I discovered that the most important thing you need in your religion is to make sure that your doctrine about the after-life gives them something to look forward to. It seems that people are not so eager to come back as cats or babies.

My proposal is that Sacred Coconut Heaven will be the place where our converts will go after death, and:
- There will be no sickness, no death, no sorrow, no pain - but lots of coconuts to eat!
- Open marriage and swinging will be allowed in Coconut heaven, but heartbreak will be impossible!
- Every wish of every Sacred Coconut Believer will be granted, continouosly, for ever and ever!!
- Unbelievers will cease to exist after death, because the Sacred Coconut is very merciful - no hell!
- Each convert will be able to summon all unbelieving family-members to join him/her at Coconut Heaven!

What do you think?

It is a very good m-industry er, sorry ministry! But I like to also apply for post of deputy treasurer.

Wait wait wait, let’s do this properly and right. As you all know, we are trying of form a new and prosperous organization that is geared towards bringing some sort of salvation to the seemingly baseless and dull life style and living of the citizens of Nairaland.

I would first of all like for all members to state their intentions and pledge their continuous loyalty, commitment and support to this cause. I will now move a motion to open up a register thus: anyone who wishes to become a member of this our great and flourishing investment....ehmm sorry religion should first sign up there before posting or pasting his/her suggestion or memorandum on this tread. ……….
When we have a membership base of ……... numbers, we will move motion for the constitution of a governing board of trustees before that would write out the chatter and constitution of this great and wonderful contraption. ….

Make I leave D rest 4 una to complete…

This is an open resgister for all those who wish to become partners and share holders in this great[i] business [/i] religous endeavor. All you have to do is post this sIngle word ( ME ).

This is a membership drive, make una know say when this company opps sorry ministry start, the gains will be ernormous ohh so sigh up now while you can !!!

Scorpio:

Why did u just grab my post like that now?

Make u nor start katakata 4 dis new business.church ooh, na me 1st talk say I want the position so make u sef find ya own place now dat u still av d chance !!! I don tell u !!!

You 'z a shark fer real.........peddling faith for doe.pathetic

I like to be the POPE and the minister in charge of finance and youg ladies, SINGLES  only

I don't want to register , but i can recommend 4 young and intelligent bright men:

1) Layi
2) Seun
3)Greatpeter
4)Goodguy

@ Angela: why now?

Well, the most important thing is for you to send in your money, because the coconut must never be allowed to become empty! As the co-treasurer of the Temple of the Sacred Coconut, I am hereby asking al of you to send me your money now.

You don't have to join right away, but if you send your money you shall be saved!

Good day, and may the Blessings of the Coconut be upon you all.

First of all, I am deeply, deeply outraged, shocked and saddened that my most noble endeavour is being interpreted as something as sordid as... as... (excuse me while I compose myself...) as a cash-making scheme! Imagine!!

It just goes to show how much work needs to be done to raise the level of spirituality in Nigeria if a man cannot found his Temple without it being viewed as a 'business' or 'investment' and without people jockeying for the positions of 'treasurer', 'financial consultant' or 'investment manager'. Fortunately, the Temple of the Sacred Coconut is more than prepared for this arduous task that lies ahead.

But first of all, I must make it unequivocally clear that no person is authorised on my behalf to solicit for donations or investment of any kind. In addition, at the time of writing, there has not been any official appointment of any kind, so beware of charlatans and fraudsters who may try to cash in on the Temple's rapidly growing popularity. All persons claiming to represent the Temple are hereby order to desist or face the full brunt of supernatural forces that I can summon at a moment's notice.

I will respond in due course to those who have responded to my call to participate in the World's First Democratic Temple. To reward them for their prompt contributions, I shall be awarding them titles. In fact, it will a cornerstone of the Temple's policy to dash titles out left, right and centre so that our members feel valued and recognised. So Royal Prophet Seun and Most Holy Evangelist Whiteshark, await my reply.


Yours in Sanctity,

(Cardinal (Reverend) ((Deacon) Apostle)) Ka

The One and Only Founder, the Temple of the Sacred Coconut

Royal Prophet Seun reporting for service, sir!

I think we need to get the people to give generously to this cause, so that they can recieve their holy blessings. I would be honored to serve as a co-treasurer, accountant, bill-collector, secretary in charge of collections, etc. For the sake of the Holy Followers of the Coconut, that they may be blessed!

Sister, Deaconess, Mother in the Lord Present!

whiteshark:

Make u nor start katakata 4 this new business.church ooh, na me 1st talk say I want the position so make u sef find ya own place now that u still av d chance !!! I don tell u !!!

Why can't u share eh? I can be your female assistant[ one and only]. Don't mind Seun, he's not among

There is no yawa @ all.

I have sent a register to the holy prophet to paste on the notice board and I have notied that the notice is not on the notice board. I would appreciate if all our efforts are noticed by all noticable members ohh.

As much as I thank the chairman board of directors of the great and profitable company for ordaining me EVANGELIST, I will still like him to confirm my position as the honourable treasurer of this organisation for the avoidance of doubt.

Scorpio can be my asistance I don mind....

Now we are yarning but since u're already Evangelist, it'll be too much work for u to also be the Treasurer. Dat's where my assistance comes in

ka, can i be your advisor?

Are y'all kidding me? This is hilarious. Seun why did you choose to be treasurer!

I wanna be the ermmm, International woman of the church? (i'll get to go to so many places).

I am waiting for the funitures that fits the office of coconut POPE. You may send MONEY with young maiden lady like Hot angel.. yes yes , It can be yes Please send the International woman Hot Angel.

well well well,,,,,, we seem to be progressing... Good good .. we need more members so therefore, every member should go out there and bring anther member to shore up the mebership of the club Church.....

i think i want to draw up the order of service.
praise and worship, prayer and the rest.

we need a church creed too. any creative person should come up with that.

whoever has enough money or has connections and supply coconuts (1/ person) for how many sundays there are in a year. (do coconuts get spoilt?) is welcomed. if not, your tithe will buy you one.

(Elder) (Priest ((High Prophet)) Evangelist) (Cardinal (Most Reverend)) Ka, as your personal advisor, i should get a private office/work space and a monthly salary.

Y'all are funny.

you've got to treat us with respect lizzy. use appropriate titles.

Hot angel, how are you planning the women wing of coconut. I hope you are ready to visit the pope!

You guys are playing with such a serious business as starting a whole new religion, I am sorry for u all.

But as I write, I feel a calling, oooooh, I am feeling it now......w.

Forget what I must have been misled to type above, I think this idea has merit, but you missing a vital part. Young, female members first! Get ye young female members and the bankers, power brokers shall attend an dmore improtantly, come back..
I suspect this religion will flourish in cycberspace so female sounding usernames with nice pics can do abi Elder?

Me, I dont want any post, but if I bring people in with problems, I get some cut of their tithe and heartfelt contribution, agreed?

2007 is around the corner and the battle shall be fought also with spititual means, now where is my 'gullible people capture' handbook kept?

Good day, and peace be to you all in the Sacred Name of the Coconut.

It seems that the general consensus is that the Temple should definitely reward its members with privileged positions and general benefits. Even though I, as the Founder, would prefer to focus on the spiritual than the material, I have already mentioned that this is a 21st century church with 21st century values, including the principle of participation.

Therefore, I have decided to declare a benefits bonanza and a title 'throway'. With effect from this moment, the following members are hereby ordained as follows:

Seun - in addition to your title of Royal Prophet, you shall also been known as Supreme Evangelist. You shall be in charge of creating love in the Temple.

Whiteshark - not only will you be known as Most Holy Evangelist, but I now confer on you the title of Apostle-General. You will be charged with spreading peace in the Temple.

Scorpio - I hereby confer on you the titles of High Priestess and Commanding Archbishop. Increasing the amount of joy in the Temple shall be your work.

WesleyanA - You shall be known as Leader of the Faithful, and as the name implies, increasing faith in the Temple shall be your role.

Enigma - Your title will be Pastoral Apostle. I am putting you in charge of raising the level of patience.

Vexxy - You will known as Absolute Overseer-at-Large. I expect you to promote gentleness in the Temple.

Hot-Angel, your request is a suitable one! You shall indeed be known as Superlative Sister-Universal, and you shall be in charge of spreading the message of the Temple to places as far away in the universe as Pluto, Sirius and the Outer Milky Way.

As for me, I shall be content to shoulder the heavy burden of the responsibility of dealing with all matters relating to finance, money and investment.

If you have not been included in this list, then it is because I have determined that by your utterances, you have not shown sufficient enthusiasm to be considered a worthy member of this most Select Group. I urge you to change your attitude and join the Rising Star in the Firmament of Spirituality!



Now to the suggestions made by Seun...

- There will be no sickness, no death, no sorrow, no pain - but lots of coconuts to eat!

I approve of this. In fact, even here on earth, as a member of the Temple, there is no sickness or pain anymore! If you feel something that you think is pain, then I assure you that you are wrong!

Open marriage and swinging will be allowed in Coconut heaven, but heartbreak will be impossible!

In fact, in Cocosia (where people go to when they die), every person will have their own personal heaven where they will be surrounded by people who share their beliefs. So everyone will be happy!

Every wish of every Sacred Coconut Believer will be granted, continouosly, for ever and ever!!

The caveat is that a wish cannot cross the boundaries of a person's personal heaven.

- Unbelievers will cease to exist after death, because the Sacred Coconut is very merciful - no hell!

Not quite. From time to time, anyone who has grievously wrong a member of the Temple shall be woken from his sleep of death, given six strokes of the cane, and then sent back to death again.

- Each convert will be able to summon all unbelieving family-members to join him/her at Coconut Heaven!

Obviously, if they do not wish to join, then they will be liable to suffer the fate of unbelievers (see above).


My fellow members, that is the Word for Today. I journey now to seek a higher mountain than I have hitherto prayed on, because I see that the work ahead of me is even more arduous than I thought. I will leave you all in the tender care of the Royal Prophet (Supreme Evangelist), the Most Holy Evangelist (Apostle-General) and the High Priestess (Commanding Archbishop). But remember - this is a DEMOCRATIC TEMPLE. If you feel they are not performing their roles properly, you may vote them out and replace them with more suitable persons.


May the Fortune and Fellowship of the Frond and the Knowledge of the Kernel be with you all.

((Very Reverend) (Ordained Elder (Evangelist)) (High Prophet ) (Commanding Cardinal (Sanctified Priest))) Ka.

Are you for real? This seems like a dream!

Thank you very much General. I will now dive into the inner depths of my very being and develope the much needed spiritualism that my present position requires. I will be gone for many many moons and when I return, una go see pepper!!! No yawa @ all.