₦airaland Forum

I get along very well with my husbands elder sister. We talk about anything and she knows he's difficult to live with. Is it in place to tell her about this, I feel she's the only one who can understand and he will usually listen to what she says.
I don't want to seem whiny to her but I need to talk to someone who knows about him

He doesn't need much discipline, time out to his room, toy taken away etc. I do not let him get away with rudeness, meanness to his brother etc.
He's generally very active and happy.

so my cheating on him one time 10 years ago makes him treat his son like this?
It's my fault? Then he should be treating me poorly not his son.

Thankyou very much for your input. I am going to confront him when he comes home.
It's good to know I was not going crazy, thinking I was being over sensitive, not understanding Nigerian parenting styles, etc.
This is not what I had envisioned at all, and I will make it clear no more of this!

I just want to know how to talk about this with him without making him feel like I'm disrespecting him. Everything's so fresh yet, and we are learning how to live as a family again, but I want to catch this in the early stages if possible so permanent damage won't be done to our son.

Yes he's his real father.

My h and are are back together after many years apart. He got work in my area and has moved back. He treats me respectfully and kindly but I cannot understand why he treats our 10 year old son so roughly. You'd think after missing out on most of his growing up he'd want to play with him, build him up, praise him. But after less than a week here he only seems to be criticizing him, calling him a spoiled brat, coconut head, bully etc.
Our son is only 10, usually very behaved, and he can hardly feel comfortable sitting to eat at the table with his dad. He spills rice accidentally, and our son is quickly trying to pick it up, but his dad is yelling for this, for any noise of the fork on the dish etc. Our son tried to explain he didn't be clumsy on purpose, but his dad won't let him talk, sends him out the door in socks in the winter (snow) then he comes in and shoves him in his room. His dad keeps calling him a baby, telling him to drink warm milk etc.. He yells if our son takes 5 seconds too long to go get something.
At night he tells he he wishes his dad would go.
What can I do to help this situation?
My h doesn't take well to criticism especially about parenting, and says I should never interfere with how he wants to do it. I feel like my hands are tied. I want this all to work out. Please advise, am I worried over nothing? Over time I feel our son is going to resent his father, and being called names all the time will wear his confidence in himself down.

As far as lose my beauty? that's funny!
I'm not a beauty queen but have kept myself in shape after 2 kids..
Physical attractiveness or age isn't an issue, he's 40 I'm 34..

Trust me, I'm not the nagging obnoxious wife.. I am quiet, usually very easy going and calm.. I do cleaning for others to support myself, and have also cared for elderly people in their homes.
I had to return twice to my parents because hub didn't provide and hold steady job and the money I made ran out, I was sick n preg so he brought me back to my parents..

I'll try to make long story short. Hub and I were separated quite a few yrs, last year he moved back.. Was back for a month then out of the blue got accepted in university back where he was living 10 hrs away.. I gave him my support, as this was a good opportunity. So he moved back. In this time he has visited a few times, but sometimes I wonder if this reconciliation and holding on is worth the effort. Just had Mother's Day and my bday, no card no nothing. Rather he was in court rearranging support payments for the kids cuz he can't afford to pay that since he's in school.
I told him I felt like I was a plant whithering away in the desert with no affection, and his advice to me is to pursue a career to feel fulfilled.
He also figures once he's done school we will gladly jump up and follow him anywhere his work leads him. My parents are aging, myself and the two children are very settled finally, and must I prepare myself to follow him for the third time? ( twice I moved back to my parents when my $ ran out)
Once he's graduated from the program, I am sure he will find a well paying job and $ shouldn't be an issue.
But my heart seems reluctant, I shy away from commiting and promises about moving anywhere..
What would you do in my shoes?

Hey, just wondering if there are any of you who have experienced this?
I grew up in strict Mennonite sect, and 12 yrs ago was excommunicated from my church.
I was suffering from depression, eating disorder, and was hospitalized.
While in treatment, I had a one night stand with a stranger, out of desperation at myself and circumstances.. I was suicidal.
However, the leaders of my church already told me depression and eating/emotional disorder were sin, but they expelled me for having sex once..
In my pain I took a knife to bed the night they did this, but thank God did not act on my impulses.
What I'm really wondering is if they're are any of you who have experienced this even after this many years my family and friends will set a table elsewhere for me to eat.
Even if I bring food to my brother after birth of their baby, he sets me apart to eat but my boys are able to sit with his family...
I'm so tired of this treatment, but still love my family!

Thorpedo, what's not clear?
All I'm asking for is s little TLC, is that too much to ask?
It just seems his school is first, his work, and then somewhere along the way I might get a little bit of the leftover attention.
I'm not a selfish pushy person, maybe a bit needy, but just wondering how guys feel if they're woman asks them for flowers, letters, etc??
I do text him loving msgs, etc but maybe I just have to accept a life with no romance?

So please help me to keep my head above water..
6 years apart, moved back together last summer, but then he was unexpectedly admitted to m. Engineering program in Calgary 10 hrs away. He is very occupied, understandably but just some small gestures of love would mean so much to me. 7 yrs of struggling and caring for our children alone makes me weary at times. I am happy that in a year or so when he's done he will be set with his mechanical/petroleum engineering degree and hopefully can finally contribute to the finances and move back..
But how do I hold on when our reconciliation was just fresh, then he moved away again, (with my support however)
All I'm asking for is maybe some flowers delivered once every blue moon, maybe a letter in the mail, or a small gift..
I don't need much, just small touches of love n appreciation.
Do I have to outright ask for this of him? I wish he would think of it on his own!

Even right now the boys are with their grandma, she was here and they went with her to the farm (7 miles away) and they wanted to spend the afternoon there with her. I said they could.
My husband is going to return in two hours, and if they're not here by then I'm scared he's gonna blow up again and make a crazy phone call.
I feel I am walking on egg shells, i know any reconciliation after so long will be fraught with challenges, but should I be living with this dread at not knowing how he will react to any little decision I make in allowing the kids to be with the grandparents??

Soooo, I went ahead and let him move in as he had found a job here..
The thing that's gonna break this marriage if anything does is the attitude he has toward my parents.
After a long day shopping, buying groceries in town, my dad calls and wonders if the boys wanted to go swim.. My son was excited to show off his new swimming skills and I said sure.
Bad mistake.
My husband was at work so I never asked him. He is trying to establish a family life and make up for 6 yrs of lost time with his boys.
Now he lost his temper, called Child Protection Services and reported the grandparents are always taking the kids away.
( the same grandparents who faithfully helped care and provide for me and my boys in his absence.)
The boys are very fond of their grandparents but since my husband moved back he wants to greatly limit the time they spend with them. ( he says first establish our family, then everything else can be added.)
On top of that he thought the boys were gone too long so we drove to bring them back.
(They were half mile down the road at my brothers)
When we arrived, they were all in the barn, and my husband goes and grabs the youngest 5yrs) to carry him to car. My dad tries to greet him but he shuts door and quickly leaves. All my parents are doing is loving the kids and having good times yet my husband accuses them of trying to disrupt our life.
I feel I am going crazy.
I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in 8 yrs but the bottle is looking awfully inviting.
Should I limit the boys contact with them to this degree?
In his anger after phoning the CPS he said, " your parents better get ready to go to court."
He criticizes the way I've brought the boys up, and says I've done well but it's not good enough.
Help!

You're right, I am depressed. He lives 10 hrs away, and was gonna move here in two weeks for job here.
Now what do I say, tell him to stay awAy for now?

I am canadian, I married my nigerian husband almost 10 yrs ago.
We've been separated a total of about 6-7 yrs and in the last 6 months making moves to reconcile.
2 times he returned me to my parents as he couldn't provide financially.
So my parents have been the ones involved in mine and our kids lives (ages 9 and 5)
He recently spent 2 weeks in my house and it went well except for the fact that I'm afraid his hatred of my parents is gonna spoil everything before it's even started.
The big issue he has is that a year or two ago my parents said they didn't want him around here at all, but now they've relented and given him a 99th chance.
Me and my husband and kids get along but he's trying to turn the kids against them, and he says such mean things like he'd gladly stone them he's so mad etc.
On Father's Day my parents invited us all over to their place as well as some neighbours. He refused to go, so me and the kids left and I told him I was leaving dinner for him on the stove. When I returned, he was furious we had gone and left him alone on Father's Day. He seems to be incapable of appreciating anything my parents have done, and will find any excuse to talk meanly of them. I love my parents dearly, this pains me to no end.
What should I do? State plainly he is not welcome so long as this behaviour continues, or just grin and bear it, and forge ahead, hoping that he will soften?
Finally me and the kids are settled on our own place, we are living a peaceful life, and although I believe God can do miracles and work with my husband, should I forfeit the security and stability and support of my family in trade of an attempt at reconciliation which could prove to be disastrous in the end??
I am lost in this dark forest and can't find a clear answer!!
And should I add that in the last 4 yrs the money that should have been going for kids upkeep is being used for his lawyer for a situation where he cheated and the woman is claiming he assaulted her?? ( I am sure he didn't assault, as the woman had abuse issues from the past and has since left the country,)
I am not perfect, I cheated once, he cheated once, and we forgave ourselves this, but this whole hatred thing with my parents is tearing me up! Help!!

After years of not providing properly for us, my parents were frustrated and said they did not want him on their property. Once he came to visit me at my place ( I rent my land from my father) and my father said he didn't even want him here. Now my dad has relented and let him come with no trouble but my husband can't forgive and forget. He says such hurtful things to me about my parents, like I asked him what if my dad would die tonite and he says , "so what.... What would that matter"
He says he would like to stone them but something holds him back. These painful words stay in my head.

I am canadian. We live in Canada. He is from Benin city

My husband and I are in the process of reconciling and moving back together after 6+yrs separation.
My parents live 10 mins away on a large acreage and our son and his friend go there to spend some time helping my 66 yr old father. He pays them a small amount and they are not forced to go but enjoy it.
However my husband did not grow up helping his grandparents, and he is very upset that my parents would ask our 9yr son to help.
I don't see the problem as my son is happy to go.
Also on Father's Day, my parents invited us as well as some others to have dinner at their place. My husband refused to go, and was upset that we went. I left him food, but He was very mad we went away on Father's Day. should we have stayed home?
He hates my parents to put it mildly. I love my parents who supported me and kids during separation. And I love my husband who I am trying to understand. I feel I am caught between two warring sides and I am worried whats gonna happen to the kids who will be caught in the middle. All I want is peace with all sides.

SugaRush:
I bought this I bought that.
I am not sure you are a marriage material. Marriage is about giving, forging and forsaking. Once you start counting how much I spent on my spouse last week or last month, you can never have a happy marital life.

My 2 cents.

Marriage material!!!
If I'm not I guess no one is!!:-)
No I don't like to keep tabs on everything done or not done or paid for but when year after year goes by and I feel I am the only one giving emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually to the marriage, I don't need to keep track. Even my body knows it, and the exhaustion I feel does not lie.
So then what, I guess I just say, I'm done giving and giving and giving for now?
U said I'm not marriage material?.... Marriage should not be a selfish thing right? But where's the balance? I've given every last ounce of strength and will continue to do so (minus the money of course:-)
Would someone who is not marriage material hang on for years, fighting with tooth and nail to save it? Or would they run at the first sign of trouble and say marriage is too hard??

As far as doing pleasant things for me before we were married, not really. If we ate out, I paid, never really had a dating period, pretty much moved in together right away...
Oh well, I guess I just needed to get my feelings out... There's always hope right?!

I was in a very vulnerable spot in my life, and I guess I loved him to some degree...
He asked me to marry him about 1 month after we met, and I sponsered him so a lot of ppl would say he used me for citezinship..
There's been a lot more stressful hard times than pleasant happy ones, and we've only lived together for about 3 yrs of our 9.5 yr marriage,but Ive never quite given up.. I hate divorce and I guess my hope is that God can perform a miracle with us!

Yes unfortunately it's true. His parents have helped him a lot with his lawyers payments as well.
I guess 1/2 year isn't so long to wait if we're gonna get back together as we've already been apart so many years...
Also is it very common in nigerian culture for man not to be around when wife gives birth?
It's pretty important here in Canada but maybe that's not a big deal there?
How bout being taken on 0 romantic dinners out? Or no honeymoon? Or never a ring, and flowers one time in 10 yrs?
Am I a spoiled woman who wants too much, or are most nigerian husbands this unromantic?!
I bought him a plane ticket here this week as a BDAY present, I guess I'm thinking i might be crazy to try and dream I might get something for my bday last month?
Are birthdays not that important in your culture? Maybe it's just a cultural diff?

Well the thing is, ever since we got married, (I paid for marriage commissioner) I have pretty much been the one to pay the rent, as he hops from job to job.
Twice I have been sent back to my parents because I couldn't make/didn't have money to support us and he never had proper work.
Hence I gave birth to our two boys without him, and the money for their upkeep has obviously been going to his lawyer for the past 4 yrs while I struggle to raise and provide for me and the boys.
We want to reconcile, but how can I trust and respect him? I don't wAnt divorce (even tho we've been separated 6 yrs)
I feel mad, how could he try to convince me to uproot and move to his area when he never mentioned all the legal junk he's in?!?
What else dont I know?
And he said his lawyer had urgent deadline for payment or she was quitting so I paid him $3000 or $480,000 naira out of my hard earned money to pay his lawyer FOR HIS CHEATING!!
Am I stupid or do I love him that much?!
By November he has to come up with $7000 more for trial ($1.1 million naira)
I will not pay for this:-)
Should I welcome him back with this anger/frustration in my heart?
Should I wait til all legal battles are done by end of year?
I'm just tired of being the responsible, strong one in this marriage. I ache to be cherished, protected, spoiled... Am I living in an unrealistic dream world to crave this every day?

[size=8pt][/size]So u can read my story on previous threads, but long story short, for the last year we've talked of reconciling, he wanted me n kids to move to him, 10 hrs away. I dragged my feet, and he decided to move here.
So I drove 10 hrs to his place to help him pack our belongings and bring him back. Once the trailer was loaded he dropped the bomb that 4 yrs ago he cheated on me once. The girl pressed assault charges and here's the answer why I haven't been getting money all these years for d kids, it's all goin to his lawyer.
So he didn't return with me, he told the dear boys he was coming and then it's all a lie. He still wants to find work in my area and reconcile with me , but I'm so frustrated. How could he lie to me this long!!
Not sure if I mentioned this previously but about half year after we were married I cheated once. ( I was so sick living in strange city and him being gone all night and then when home always playing chess online)
But I will take blame.i confessed some months later...
So I haven't been perfect either.
I love him I hate him, I want him here, I want him gone!
The hardest thing is when I went to get him the boys were so excited. Then I had to phone them and say he's not coming.
I do not believe he's guilty of assault, the girl is Australian and went back, (she was abused wen younger so prob anything feels like assault.)
The trial is in nov. He has lots to pay lawyer before then. Do I welcome him here if he finds work, and forgive n forget! How do I trust! I believe him he's truly sorry, did it only once and says time and again he just wants a fresh start. What do i do

Thank you.... I am weary of trying to make peace between my parents and him but I will keep trying if he truly has a kernel of good inside I gess it's worth the fight to try and find it and build him up.
It also would be easier if he lived closer, 10 hours is a long way to drive!
O well, thank you all so much for ur advice and point of view

Ok so it's been a long time since I wrote. My husband has been out to visit prob 3 or 4 times in last year, and generally the visits went well. I think we both deep down want this to work.
Now the issue is he wishes we would move to his area 10 hrs away. I Hav kinda got settled down at my own place in the last few years, and my boys are doing well here. My parents are growing older and I always wanted to help them as they aged after all the ways they've helped me. So I am between a rock and a hard place as to what decision to make. Do I pull up my roots for a third time to move back to him? He has been sending money finally, (not very much, and only started when he got a court order to do it or his license would be taken). So please hand over all ur wise advice!he is talking like he is ready to move on if I don't make up my mind. My parents have helped me raise my boys in his absence and he never has once said a word of thanks to them. They don't get along with each other at all. They don't trust him and he is mad at them and feels they have never accepted or liked him. I don't want to grow old alone and raise the boys fatherless but can I uproot the stabity me and my boys have now, break my parents hearts and move back?!

Ok so he came out to visit two months ago and we spent a few days in city together with the boys. It went well and we had a good time. He definitely talked of reconciliation and neither of us was enthused to carry on with plans for a pretrial. I found out that last year he only made $2000 and lived with a friend and received financial support from his fam. He wud wish I'd move back where he has finally gotten a little more success with a business he has. Our eldest son is happy in his school here and we r very happy as we finally moved into our own house after living with my parents for four yrs. how can I move back for the third time wen I am feeling settled here? Yes I love him and have a little more trust in him but I don't know if I could go thru stress of uprooting again. Shud we just maintain long distance relationship?

I did not say the kids the kids were from this.. I was excommunicated ten yrs ago but I was not pregnant then.. I was married 8 yrs ago and the kids r from this marriage. However the church is still punishing me from sins from before my marriage. Yes I wud love for everything to be ok and to sit at the table with my kids but in order to do that I wud have to repent before the large assembly and once again join the church. I never said I wanted to be restored to church ( how cud I join and then be ok with doing this treatment to others?) I live a Christian life and know God has forgiven me but they do not accept me unless I wud join their church again.

I am a canadian married 2 nigerian altho separated. U can read that story on CAN MY MARRIAGE SURVIVE AFTER LONG SEPARATION? Anyway the verse they use 2 support this doctrine is 1 corinth 5:11. They said i was lustful etc. While actually feeling scared vulnerable and sad. Searching 4 love anywhere. 4 this ban 2 b lifted i wud have 2 admit they expelled me rightfully and repent of sins of a decade ago. It hurts cuz i want 2 sit @ the table and help my boys with dinner and sit by them and talk but theyd rather sit @ grampas table than @ my own little one the corner. Even if i do all the cooking or if we have visitors this happens. I still can struggle mentally but with God he helps me. but with my fam doing this evry day how can this bleeding in my heart ever heal? the boys love their grandparents. but already this is making my 7yr old believe im 'not a very good christian.' my main question is about that verse and if they are applying it correctly. thanx evryone

I come fr strict mennonite upbringing. In my teen yrs i suffered fr severe depression and eating disorder. It was rough and my parents didnt pay much attention as they were caught up in their troubles in their marriage. I was suicidal and was eventually hospitalized. Before i was well i met a man in my vulnerable state and let him use me. I was immediatly kickd out of my church 4 wat they call the death sin of fornication. Now ten yrs later the pain is still intense when i am not even allowed to eat with my own family even if i make the meal. Will this pain ever lessen? Now my young boys are finally noticing they can eat with grampas and not me. Will i always feel like im bleeding inside?