₦airaland Forum

© 2015 Stephen Oweniwe. All Rights Reserved.


About the book:
Though much attention and diatribe is focused on the subject, no one seems to care about or they just choose to ignore the motives and reasons that make the men who womanize to do so.

Loaded with a suave of narration and hilarious captivating drama, the book is especially loaded with the motives that make men to womanize, process, gains and side effects associated with womanizing.

Kunzu:
beautiful story. keep it up

Really? you read everything complete??

Who is the mod that moved this to the literature section?

Table Of Contents

1. The Snorer
2. Accidental Discharge
3. Peeping Tom
4. Armed Robbers
5. Aboniki
6. The Lousy Room Mate
7. Girls Don’t Date Gentlemen
8. Bad Market
9. She Came, She Saw…
10. Woman Wrapper
11. Is She Worth The Hassles
12. If You Really Love Me…
13. Magnetic Backside
14. Bayo The Cook
15. Boys Are Not Smiling
16. If You Really Love Him…
17. First Class Madness
18. Mallam…!!..
19. They Stole Their Property
20. Cunning Man Die, Cunning Man Bury Am
21. Paint Oh…
22. The Fear Of Dog…
23. The Big Break
24. The Surprise
25. Sharp Girl
26. Girls Are Not Smiling
27. The Grumpy Husband To Be

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BOYS ARE NOT SMILING

(Benny and Bayo are outside in the house compound discussing Bayo is looking so dull)

Bayo: Mehn… being broke is not funny.

Benny: At all. But when you compare we compare our condition to many other people outside who don’t have food to eat, at least, we thank God.

Bayo: Abi. Over-thinking wan burst my head.

Benny: What have you been thinking about?

Bayo: (Grumbles) Aha… I need money nau…

Benny: (Sarcastically) Money for what? Beer abi you want to take Shade to a five star hotel?

Bayo: (Sulks) I go blow you o…

Benny: (Chuckles) Hmmm… So why don’t you go out and hunt for contracts?

Bayo: Shade nau… I don’t know anybody. She is the one that sweet talks those pot bellies money bags to give me those building contracts. We were discussing about doing POP and painting one Honorable’s house when this wrapper thing happened.

Benny: How much is the contract worth?

Bayo: POP one point five million… painting is one million. We are still discussing tile money.

Benny: (Shocked) Eh? And you are sitting down there lamenting about money?

Bayo: I didn’t like the way she runs everything as if she is the director… since armed robbers came here, every time I need money to buy materials and I contact the Clients for money, they will say they will give the money to Shade…

Benny: Is she the one that will work on the house?

Bayo: (Sulks) She called all of them and told them not give me money again…

Benny: That reminds me… So what will happen if you two break up?

Bayo: (Smiles mischievously) Ehn? I will die… that must not happen… at least, not now. As she dey like that, she is sitting on over ten million naira… different contracts scattered here and there.

Benny: Then why don’t you marry her?

Bayo: I can’t marry Shade o, no way.

Benny: Why not? At least, you two complement each other…

Bayo: (Waves at Benny) I can’t try it. If we ever get married, she will be the husband, I will be the wife.

Benny: How? She doesn’t have a dick and you don’t have pussy.

Bayo: Abeg park those grammar… (gets up and begins to mimic Shade) Bayooo... that duplex at Chevron Estate… take five hundred thousand… go and paint it. (Catwalks a little) Bayooo… Chief Ajasco gave me thirty million naira to build a bungalow for his new wife… Take one million naira, go and buy cement…

Benny: (Chuckles) That is naija girls for you. Once they have little power…

Bayo: (Cuts in) Their heads will swell!

Benny: Well, I think we should focus on the present and try to reconcile with her so you can at least get some cash out of her.

Bayo: Wetin man go do nau? I have begged her; I have sent people to appease her. What do you want me to do?

Benny: There are many ways to kill a rat… you know what… come, let’s go inside.

(Benny grabs Bayo’s hand and leads him to the bedroom)

Benny: Oya sit down there… you know women cannot keep secrets from each other?

Bayo: So?

Benny: I am going to use Clara to draw Shade here and solve the problem. But don’t Bleep up o.

Bayo: Okay. Tell me the plan.

Benny: You are going to sleep… or rather pretend you are sleeping… I will take phone and video you… then you will start calling and begging Shade in your sleep.

Bayo: and you will show the video to Shade?

Benny: No… Clara… Clara will show it to Shade…

Bayo: And Shade will rush here…

(Both thumb up each other)

. . . . . . . . . .

(A few minutes later, Benny is “officially” dressed while Bayo is in only boxers. Bayo rushes to the fridge, grabs a water bottle and sprinkles water on his face. He rushes to his bed, closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep. Benny starts his phone camera video and films himself first before turning the camera on Bayo. Bayo begins to groan and turn his head from side to side intermittently as if having a bad dream)

Bayo: (Whispers) Shade… I’m sorry nau… (Groans) I am begging you nau… I am very sorry… (Turns his head and sighs) Shade I love you… I love you… I swear… Hmmm… Forgive me nau…

(Benny turns the camera at himself, grimaces and winks. Then he saves the video and kicks Bayo’s bed. Bayo jumps up)

Benny: That’s all… Lemme chat up Clara…

. . . . . . . . . . . .

(At the ladies place, Shade is in the living room sitting on the rug watching TV. Her hair is scattered and unkempt. She would randomly scratch her head and body intermittently. Clara suddenly rushes out of the kitchen with her phone in hand and sits beside Shade and begins to survey her)

Clara: (Critically) The rate at which you are scratching your body, you better go hire a gigolo to drill you before you begin to peel your skin off.

Shade: You are mad … (gently hits Clara’s leg)

Clara: Who is mad between the both of us? Look at your hair… (pulls Shade’s scattered hair)

Shade: (Attempts to slap off Clara’s hand but misses) Leave me alone.

Clara: Your husband is having bad dreams o.

Shade: Who is my husband?

Clara: Bayo nau…

Shade: (Sits up) How many times have I told you I don’t want to hear that name again?

Clara: Listen aha… Benny said as he got home from work today, he say Bayo calling your name in his sleep… see this… (hands her phone to Shade)

(Shade watches the video soberly. As Bayo begin to say “I love you”, she jumps up and rushes to the bedroom. Clara shrugs and returns to the kitchen. Soon Shade, dressed in jeans trousers and blouse, bursts in and retrieves a big warmer from the cupboard. She empties the rice Clara had been cooking into the warmer, hastily adds meat and stew)

Clara: (Angrily) Now that you have packed all the rice, what are we going to eat?

Shade: Cook noodles…

Clara: (Arms akimbo) Who will cook it?

Shade: Sorry… (Slams the warmer shut and hurries out of the kitchen)

Clara: (Dashes after Shade) Sorry will cook noodles? Wo, just go back and separate my rice…

Shade: No vex nau… After all, your husband is going to eat out of it too.

Clara: (Angrily) Do you see any ring in my fingers? Husband my foot… Gerraway! (Walks angrily to the bedroom)

(Shade sighs, picks her phone and hurries out of the house)

. . . . . . . . . . . .

(Benny and Bayo are both watching TV while peering out of the window intermittently. As Shade steps into the compound, Bayo flies to the bedroom, jumps on his bed and pretends to be asleep. Shade yanks the door open and enters. Benny jerks as if he is surprised)

Benny: Ah… Who is chasing you wey you dey knock door like this?

Shade: Forget… (drops the warmer on the table) How are you?

Benny: Hmmm… fine… Longest time.

Shade: Abi. I have been sick… where is Bayo?

Benny: He is sleeping…

Shade: Still sleeping?!

(Shade rushes to the bedroom. Benny quickly grabs the warmer, opens it and is ecstatic at what he sees. He picks a piece of meat, closes the warmer and eats the meat hungrily. Soon he opens the warmer again and then he fumes. He gets up and tip toe to the bedroom door and peers in. He sees Bayo and Shade in tight embrace kissing passionately. He shrugs and goes back to his seat. Unable to resist his appetite any longer, he wipes his hand on his trouser, opens the warmer and begins to eat the rice with his hand. Soon Bayo enters the parlor)

Bayo: (Shocked) What?! Who sent you message?!

(Benny ignores him and continues to eat)

Bayo: Why are you eating with your hand like a bush boy? Is the food meant for you alone? Why can’t you wait for me…

Benny: (Defiantly) You have eaten your food inside nau.

Bayo: Which food?

(Benny mimics French kissing. Bayo surges forward and grabs the warmer while Benny hold tentatively to it)

Benny: (Loudly) Leave me alone nau.

Shade: (Calls out from the bathroom) Bayo what is the matter?

Bayo; He is eating all the rice o.

Shade: Let him eat nau…

Benny; (At Bayo) Ntoooorr...

(Bayo suddenly attempts to pull the warmer with a jerk but they both lose grip and the warmer crashes and spills out its content on the floor. Benny stares angrily at Bayo arms akimbo. He cocks his head and quietly sits down. Bayo too sits down and looks away. Shade enters the parlor looking fresher)

Shade: (Points to the warmer in disbelief) What is this?

Benny: Ask him o…

Bayo: He ate all the meat… he was eating with his fingers.

Shade: (Frowns at Bayo) I said you should let him eat. His wife cooked it.

(Benny exclaims silently. He bends over the rice and begins to scoop the top carefully into the warmer. Shade scratches her head uncomfortably)

Shade: (To Bayo) Oya let’s go out.

Bayo: Hmmm…

(Bayo gets up and goes into the bedroom)

Shade: (Whispers to Benny) Sorry… Don’t mind him.

Benny: (Nods) Okay…

Shade: (Teasingly) Is it sweet?

Benny: (Nods vigorously) Yea… Very sweet.

(Bayo returns to the parlor and signals to Shade. Shade waves at Benny and catwalks to the door followed closely by Bayo)

Benny: (To Bayo) Where are you going?

Bayo: (Sarcastically) Don’t worry, eat your rice.

Benny: (Hisses) Mtchew…

(Shade promptly grabs Bayo’s hand, drags him out of the parlor and slams the door shut)





Fade

THE FEAR OF DOG…

(Benny wakes up, sits up on the bed and gazes at the wall clock. Its 5:13 am. He staggers sleepily to the bathroom to ease himself and returns to his bed to sleep. He suddenly gets up again, put on soccer shoes, a vest, and begins to search for his key. Having found it, he unlocks the doors, gate and begins to jog along the road. He then begins to prance and exercise vigorously turning from street to street. As he jogs into a new street, a dog begins to bark. Benny, unperturbed, continues to jog gently. Suddenly, Benny hears a growl behind him. He turns and sees a black Alsatian dog with shiny eyes staring coldly at him. Benny shrieks and suddenly sprints away. The dog watches Benny run away from some seconds and then decides to pursue him away from the street so it charges after Benny. Benny turns and sees the dog chasing him. He panics and increases his speed. The street’s exit gate is still locked. Benny runs to the Security Guard’s house, kicks the door open and slams the door shut. )

Guard & Girlfriend: (Shocked) Wayo Allah!!!

(Guard and Girlfriend were having a hot, sweaty sex bout when Benny suddenly bolted into the room. The Girlfriend quickly grabs the bed sheet and covers herself. Benny and the Guard stare quietly at each other for about ten seconds. Then Guard suddenly pulls a well sharpened machete from nowhere and waves it menacingly at Benny)

Benny: (Shrieks) Hiiaahhh… abeg…

(Benny quickly opens the door and runs out of the room. The dog is nowhere to be found. Benny quietly crouch tiptoes out of the street)

. . . . . . . . . . .

(Back home, Benny arrives worn out. He goes straight to his bed and tosses himself on the foam. Bayo jerks awake and sits up. Benny is breathing so heavily and groaning as if in pain)

Bayo: (Confused) What is the matter?

Benny: (Waves a hand wearily in the air) Gimme water… gimme water…






Fade