₦airaland Forum

Dear nairalanders

l didn't know the view would surge, please i promise to reproduce the content in the joke section with a new title, check out my other current works

https://www.nairaland.com/1120592/keeping-up-comedian-season-1

https://www.nairaland.com/1121128/timid-guys-first-step-successful

( a gf speaking to her bf) abeg c.um NA

You are so fine, l wish l could plant you and grow a whole field of you

Guy: Hello is your name Gillette?
Girl: Why?
Guy: because you are the best a man can get

Guy: There must be something wrong with my eyes
Girl: [confused]?
Guy: l can't seem to be able to take them off you

Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complication, such as headaches, ulcer, cancerous tumor and even death! So for my health and yours JUST SAY YES!

Hey baby, you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?

Flight Instructions

As Nigeria has experienced numerous aircrashes, airline officials like making effort to make the "in-flight safety lectures " and other announcement a bit more entertaining

Here is what happened on one ocassion

-As passengers were boarding
Captain: "Welcome aboard D*** airways flight 182 to abuja. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tightly. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you propably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen mask will deploy from the celling. Stop screaming, grap the mask and pull it over your face.

-On reaching crusing alttitude
Captain: This is your captain speaking, we have reached our crusing altitude now, so l'm going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane, till we land...its a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern

-After the plane landed.
Captain: As you exit the plane, please ensure you gather all your belongings. Anything left behind would be distributed evenly among flight attendants. Please don't leave children or spouses. Last one off the plane must clean it

Maths Session

Guy: Baby, let's go back to my room and do some maths session
Girl: What's wrong with here?
Guy: We can't add mattrasses here, subtract our cloths, divide your legs and then multiply

Software programmers

At a recent software engineering mangement course, held by the minister of avaiation, the participants, were given an awkward question to answer "if you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately"


Among the ensuing number of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do he replied, that he would be quite content to stay onboard, with his teams software, the plane was unlikely to taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off

Thread closed

Dear nairalanders

the thread has now been dis continued, but as the project as already been completed, it would come under a new title in the joke etc section most probably

The thread has closed

Dear nairalanders

not to worry, the project has being complete already and would come under a new heading soon

Guy: Excuse me l think you have something in your eyes
Girl: Hhmm, what?
Guy: a sparkle

Excuse me girl is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off!

Me without you is like a shoe without lace, a sentence without space, a tea cup without handle

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality if finally better than your dreams

You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pick-up line

Fascinating. I've been looking at your eyes all night long, cause l've never seen such dark-eyes with so much light in them

For a moment l thought l died and gone to heaven. Now l see that l am very much alive and heaven has been brought to me

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity

The General's daughter

Boy: Is your dad a military general
Girl: No,why?
Boy: when you walked, my privates snapped to attention

stomach complaint

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shove the thing way up his behind

The doctor then hands him the second suppository and tells him to do the same thing in six hour time using rubber gloves and jelly

So the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted. But he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.

Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nodes, puts one one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other hand shoves the medicine.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust

"Whats the matter" asked the wife "Did l hurt you?"

"No" replies the man "but l just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder

Boy: Do you have a map
Girl: why?
Boy: l just keep getting lost in your eyes

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged

All you timid guys in nairaland, don't miss out on our successful pick-up lines this yutide season. Make sure you follow us by reading our thread often or by clicking the follow button, as we guide you through 23 episodes/ steps of "a timid guys' first step to a successful first date"

Dear nairalanders, this is to informe you that four episodes of keeping up with the comedians has elapsed, that leaving a total of 19 great jokes still to come. So we suggest that you follow us as we count down this seasons premier of keeping up with the comedian

We are having a ball

Boy: Do you like parties
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: well then jump in my pants and have a ball

how God works

when l was young l used to pray for a bike, then i realised God doesn't work that way, so i stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

Fellow nairalanders, endevour to click on the follow button as l would be updating this season untill we have 23 episodes/jokes