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Author Praises Chidera Obiora Stories
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When I was in JSS 2 I fell in love with Angelina. I told her about my feelings. I told her how much I loved her and how she meant the universe to me. I told her I wanted her to be like bread and I will be her butter.

Angelina said she loved me too, but Tade, one of our classmates in B class, was already in love with her and she was already planning to say yes to him. So she asked me to go and talk things out with him first.

This broke my heart.

So I confronted Tade. I told him I loved Angelina and she loved me too. I told Tade to let me have her. But Tade requested that we went back to Angelina to give us a reply to our faces.

"It's her who can choose. If she chooses you over me, I will walk away. And if she chooses me over you, please walk away and find someone else. It's either she chooses you, or me." Tade spoke sternly.

We went back to Angelina and found her sitting among her friends. We told her why we had come to her. We told her we needed a direct reply from her urgently, and she needed to choose who she truly wanted.

"The truth is that I don't know who to choose." Angelina blurted. "I love you both. Praises and Tade, I love you both. But sadly, I cannot date you at the same time. I need just one guy. So this is what is going to happen. Show me you love me by doing something that will cost you pain. Do something brave for my sake; something daring, and I must be present to see that. The one who does the bravest thing wins my heart."

With that, Tade and I both left.

The next day, Angelina and her friends were walking behind us when Tade saw a police officer and called him.

"Hey, Oga police come here."

The policeman felt insulted. He called Tade and wired him a hefty slap. Tade didn't even move or shake one bit. He didn't even touch the slapped face. Tade stood bold and chewed his teeth. The girls saw this and screamed, "woww what a strong boy Tade is. He is bold."

When the policeman left, everyone hailed Tade.

"Big boy."

"Omoh you get liver o."

"Strong man"

"Bad baddo baddest."

I turned towards Angelina and saw in her eyes that she was already loving Tade for being so bold. She was now looking at him with the eyes of love.

So I decided to do mine. But I wanted mine to be three times what Tade had done.

One hot afternoon, just when the school bell had rung and the school had dismissed, I ran out to find an army of soldiers in a big truck parked in front of the school.

I was filled with excitement as I began to calculate the kind of love Angelina will have for me when I finished demonstrating my love for her by Insulting over 40 soldiers with guns who were seated in the truck. Even Tade would not dare such. It will be the bravest thing ever.

I waited patiently for Angelina and her friends to come out. When they were out and had seen me, I stretched my five fingers akimbo at the soldiers, who were innocently sitting in their truck.

"All of you people are mad. Una papa. Nonsense. Una no suck better breast milk. Yeye people." I cursed with all the anger and emotions in the world.

The soldiers stopped talking and glared at me in surprise. One even threw his sugar cane from the truck as he gaped at me in surprise.

Angelina and her friends froze at the spot. I noticed the school security man who was sitting outside and receiving fresh air, stood up and started running into the school compound for safety.

Some of the students who were standing beside me started shifting away from me with their school bags.

Soon I was left alone standing.

Everywhere became silent like a graveyard for like 10seconds. It was like the angel of God had passed.

Then a soldier man pointed at me with his gun.

"You insult me? My papa? You say we no suck better breast"

Fear gripped me.

I turned towards Angelina to see if she was looking at me with the eyes of love, but I discovered she was looking at me with the eyes of pity. Everyone carried their hands on their head as the first soldier dropped down from the kiosk and started walking towards me. The man was walking towards me with so much anger on his face. He kept his right fist clenched like a boxer as he approached me.

When he got closer, he landed a terrible blow on my face and immediately retweeted it with three hot biting slaps.

I heard Tade shout from amongst the crowd "Chai! Praises have die o."

Two other soldiers jumped down from the truck to support their soldier brother.

They brought along with them whips of different textures and sizes.

That was when I summoned strength and started running towards the school gate. The soldiers chased me behind, but my short legs carried me faster.

When the Innocent gateman saw me running towards him with soldiers chasing me behind, instead of him opening the gate for me to enter, baba became confused and started running toward the principal office.

"Baba please open the gate. Baba! Abeg" I pleaded like a man about to be killed.

The soldier men grabbed me and just as I was about to tell them I was sorry, one of them tweeted an injecting slap on my face.

The students started running.

School scattered.

One of the soldier men dragged me from the floor and held me tight by the neck. He started pulling me to the truck to meet the other army of soldiers.

That was when I started shouting and begging.

"Sir, please. I am very sorry sir. Piss is doing me. Piss o. Sir piss. I will piss for my body."

That day, I was beaten black and yellow. Because of the beating I took, Tade met me the next day at the hospital and told me face to face- man to man.

"Praises, I leave her for you. You are a senior man."

My name is Praises Chidera Obiora and I am the best at what I do.

© Praises Chidera Obiora

Disclaimer : this is not my story
I just want to share with nairalanders

Please this is not my story i copied it from facebook

Author Praises Chidera Obiora Stories
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Eze and I were both going to school one faithful Monday morning when Eze quickly stopped and grabbed his buttocks.

"Chai. Chai chai chai." He cried out.

I was shocked. I Stopped and looked at Eze who was now looking left and right like a chicken about to lay eggs.

"Eze what happen to you na? Why are you holding your stomach like a pregnant woman about to give birth."

"Praises I want to shit. Shit oo. Abeg you get tissue paper?" He asked.

"No, I no get." I shook my head.

Eze quickly opened his school bag, brought out a random book, tore out any page, and zoomed into the bush like a wild animal.

I stood and stared at Eze in confusion. I was wondering what Eze must have eaten at home.

This thing was doing me like movie. Eze left his school bag on the floor with his book scattered on the floor.

Shit can make you forget your worries.

I watched Eze jumping and diverting around the bush like someone who was dodging roadblocks or bombs.

Ten minutes later he came out of the bush buckling up his belt and smelling his hands.

"Praises God is good. Chaii!" He snapped his fingers three times. "Imagine that God did not give us holes in our bumbum. How we for do?" Eze turned to ask. He picked his books on the floor and randomly placed them in his school bag.

That day we arrived at school early to find our classmates solving their maths assignments in class. Eze and I laughed at them. We had done our assignment during the weekends, so we just watched as other students struggled with theirs. This was an assignment that took us two hours to solve.

Maths teacher entered the class before any of the children could even complete theirs. He was our first period every Monday morning and our first period every Friday Morning.

"Everyone submit your assignment now. If you have not done yours, come out. If you did not finish your assignment come out." He thundered.

Everyone quivered in fear. Only Eze and I walked out boldly to hand our maths notebook to the teacher.

"Very good. Very good students." He smiled as he flipped through my notebook.

He dropped the two books on the table and trashed every student Twenty-two strokes of cane each. Eze and I laughed like clowns. Eze's laugh was even the loudest.

Maths teacher picked up Eze's book and flipped through the pages. He was surprised when he found out that the pages of the book were ripped in diagonal and horizontal format.

"Eze where is your assignment and why are the pages of your mathematics book torn?"

Eze turned into a zombie. He was looking at the mathematics teacher.

"Uncle I do the assignment. I do it shey Praises you see me when I do it."

"Come and show me" he flung the book angrily at Eze.

Eze picked the book up from the floor and stared at it. He flipped through the pages and turned to look at the subject the book was carrying.

"Chai ewooo." Eze shouted.

"Praises. I do the assignment o. Shey you see me?"

My laugh began to come out gradually. I was only holding the laugh because Eze was my friend.

"Eze bring your assignment. Quickly." The maths teacher roared. He raised his cane up and walked towards Eze.

"Uncle wait. I do the assignment. I swear uncle. I do it. It was right here. Right on this page. I write it, uncle."

"Then where is it? Where is the assignment."

"Chai!" Eze stammered. "Abi Praises it is the assignment I use and clean my nyash in the bush?"

O this laugh was boiling to come out. I was looking at Eze. Laugh was coming.

The teacher's cane landed at the back of Eze's head.

"Taaaawaiiiiiiii"

I was sure the cane was meant for his back, but this one landed on his head. Fresh malu head. The type that shines when you apply oil and enter sunlight.

"Where is your assignment?"

Eze immediately knelt on the ground.

"Uncle I use it to do the toilet."

"Which toilet? Your mother or your father toilet?"

"No sir. Bush toilet. I do bush toilet. Uncle sorry. Uncle is shit cause am. Uncle sorry."

I collapsed on the ground in laughter. This one pass my power.

After the close of school that day, Eze went into the bush to find the paper. He was not happy that the maths Teacher had doubted him.

Eze walked out of the bush carrying the squeezed paper with shit plastered on it.

"Ehen Praises, you see the assignment for here? I do bush toilet by mistake?" He pointed it towards me.

"Eze what are you doing with it? Throw it away and let's go home.'

"God forbid. God forbid bad thing. After forty-two strokes of cane? Praises God forbid. You see this assignment paper, I will keep it as testimony. I will tell my children how I tear my book and do bush toilet, only to see that I have tear my assignment."

Today makes it 15years.

I visited Eze today when his children were about to resume school for the very first time. That dude saved the paper for 15years.

"So what did you learn from this story my dear children?" Eze asked.

"Daddy I learn that we should never tear our book and do bush toilet." They chorused.

"Daddy is that your shit on the paper?" Chike asked.

"No. God forbid. It is Uncle Praises own."

Everyone started laughing.

My Name is Praises Chidera Obiora, and I am the best; the very best at what I do.

THE ASSIGNMENT PAPER
BY
PRAISES CHIDERA OBIORA

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Author Praises Chidera Obiora Stories
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There is this woman that sells soft drinks close to my house. She is elderly. Of recent, she kept complaining of how people will buy her mineral and take the bottle home without returning it.

On my part, I am not guilty. I always return her bottle whenever I buy soft drink from her. She knows this very well.

So last week I went to buy soft drink from her and she asked me if any of her bottles is with her.

It's a usual question she asks.

I laughed.

"Ah mummy, even if you will ask for bottle is not me na. You know I always bring your bottle the moment I am done drinking."

She smiled.

"Praises, I know. I am just asking. This bottle issue is giving me concern. Almost two crates of bottles have become one and half crate. That is why I keep asking. Anyone I ask will say no bottle with him. But how does the bottle miss? How much am I getting from selling mineral eh?"

I felt pity for her.

Then I brought my suggestion.

"Okay if it is this way. Try to hold the change of the person until he returns your bottle to you then you give him back the change."

"But what if he brings the exact money for the mineral? Do I deny him?"

"No na. Tell him to bring a spare bottle, or write down his name in a book. You can later send your children to collect the bottle from him in case he forgets."

Mama nodded her head. She said she will give it a try.

So this morning I went to buy soft drink to push down the small noodles I cooked.

Mama looked at me.

Her eyes went to my hands.

"Where your bottle?"

I told mama I don't have bottle.

I gave mama 1k to give me mineral of 100naira. Mama brought the mineral and handed me 500naira change.

I was shocked.

"Mama my change remains 400naira."

Mama said.

"My pikin. When you bring bottle I go give you 400naira."

I shouted.

"Mama you hold 400naira change until I bring bottle of 20naira back?"

Mama said yes.

"But you know na. I use to bring your bottle to you."

Mama hissed.

"Forget that thing. Na wetin everybody the talk for this area. I use to bring your bottle. Every time I use to bring your bottle. I no want that kind business again. If you want mineral bring your change or you bring bottle. Na my new rule be that. Na one person give me this better advice. I don forget him face seff. But the advice the work well well."

When she saw I was not moving, she dipped her hands in her apron and removed 200naira, and gave me.

"Oya take this one. When you bring bottle I go give you the remaining 200naira. Or you want make I write your name for book later I send children make them come collect am?"

Praises Chidera Obiora
10th November 2021

Please this is not my story
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Praises Chidera Obiora Stories
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I was five months old when my mother broke my heart.

It was a very painful heartbreak.

Growing up as a child, I didn't like breast milk. Many said it was a sign that I was called to be a pastor.

I cried when my mother tried to force the nipple into my mouth. And when she tried to force me, I will chew the nipple with my gum.

My mother complained to several people.

One of those people was an experienced elderly woman who had fifteen grown-up children. The woman carried me and looked at my face closely.

Then she said to my mother.

"Mama Chi, this your son will be a man of God in the future. No, be all pikin like woman bress. Pikin like this wey no like bress, na sign of spiritual calling. Na God get this child. When him grow, him no go follow woman at all. If no be say him still small, you for start the give am hot fufu now make him start the chop. So that him go strong."

I was just looking at the old woman as she kept advising my mother.

My mother snapped her fingers and wrapped her hands around her chest.

"But how can a boy see better full breast like this and refuse to suck eh? He is just punishing me. My breast is paining me. Milk has full everywhere. I wish I didn't have so much milk, I wouldn't even be complaining."

"Mama Chi, no worry. Just try the reduce am for cup small small. But try to give Chidera hot Fufu or hot eba make him start the chop. God wey call am to be pastor, no go allow anything happen to you."

Then the woman looked at me and wiggled with my nose.

"Pastor Praises, stop punishing mummy you hear? I know you are a pastor. No near any woman bress when you grow up o. Na God call you."

My mother thanked the elderly woman as she left. I joined to wave the special adviser for coming to advice

My mother took the woman's advice and started feeding me hot fufu and soup which I was eating with all happiness in my small round plate.

During that period, my mother's younger sister delivered a bouncing baby boy.

She called my mother and complained about not having enough breast milk to feed her child. She also complained about the cost of breast milk in the hospital.

My mother immediately told her not to waste her money buying milk.

"Sister I have breast milk that Chidera refuse to suck. See it wasting anyhow. Please bring Kafa quickly let him suck better breast. Bring him."

This was how mama Kafa brought her son to our house inside kekenapep so my mum can feed him breast milk for two weeks, depending on when her milk sets in.

I was still eating my Fufu when I saw the boy. Fear gripped me. Fufu fell from my hand. I immediately knew this one will collapse my mother's milk factory and lead us into compulsory recession.

He was very big and had very thick lips.
He sucked my mother's breast with passion. He was like a hungry camel.

While he sucked, my mother will laugh happily and pat his buttocks.

"Chai this your son will like woman o. See as he is sucking breast."

I began to get jealous.

I left my fufu on the floor and crawled to possess my possession.

But my mother use one leg to push me away.

"Go and eat Fufu. I am breastfeeding. Do you need soup?"

I started crying and talking in my baby's language.

"Mummy sorry. I don't want fufu again. I am ready to suck breast now."

But my mother did not understand. Kafa who understood me was not helping matters. He doubled the speed of the sucking. He was now squeezing milk from the breast with his hands.

"See kafa, I am not playing o. Kafa stop licking my mother's breast like that. Kafa. Stop twisting your tongue on my mother's nipple. Kafa. Don't finish everything. It has do for you. Leave my mummy for me. Commot your big mouth. Somebody heeelllpp!"

My name is Praises Chidera Obiora and I am the best at what I do.

© Praises Chidera Obiora
19th July 2021

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