₦airaland Forum

Re: Short Story Competition by Efemena_xy:
11:13pm On Oct 05
PlainMirror: My Travel Adventure
Hello PlainMirror,
I've just had a read of your short story titled:
My Travel Adventure and here's my review.
Please understand that these are just my views
and opinions and you may not entirely agree
with me. Feel free to discard those which you
feel are of no use to you. Having said that, my
aim here is to provide a well balanced, and
positive critique of your story, while being
encouraging, helpful, honest and supportive.
Thanks for sharing your work.
* HOW I FELT / EMOTIONS INVOKED:
Well, well, well! I must say that initially, your
grammatical errors were so off-putting, I just
had to mentally bar my mind against them and
focus on the story line. I’ve had a raft of
emotions starting from being really miffed at
the poor grammar, then slightly curious as I
read on, and then outright clamouring to read
more. (Ah! This shames me to admit!)
* HOW I RELATE TO THE WRITING:
Yes, sometimes we as humans do get stuck in
‘unforeseen’ circumstances and need to think
on our feet. Sometimes, taking the risk is
worth it and pays off, but what you (or the
narrator) did was wrong. Yes, I understand
that desperate situations call for desperate
measures, but if he had been caught out, it
would have been a completely different story.
Over here, you’ll get a hefty fine slapped on
you and you might have to appear in court too
for trying to cheat the system.
* TITLE:
My Travel Adventure – An apt description for
this piece of work.
* STYLE:
Narrative comedy combining a persuasive
form of writing.
* VOICE:
Yes, you do have your very own special voice
that was evident in your story. Just tone down
on the vernacular which tends to be
distracting.
* PLOT:
This story is based on the adventures of a
head-strong, secondary school pupil who loves
to live the ‘high-life’. An extravagant youth
with an ‘easy-come-easy-go’ nature, he takes
us through his secondary school experience
towards the end of term. Dependant on his
father for his financial upkeep, he discards the
idea of banking his money with the school
guardian only to find out that this move of his
backfired. Stranded for cash on the last day of
term, he tricks an ‘okada’ driver, swindles a
bus driver and his conductor and manages to
hold his nerve right to the very end.
* CHARACTERS:
The protagonist – PlainMirror
Mr Alala, his guardian teacher
An ‘Okada’ motorcyclist
A bus driver and his assistant conductor
* DIALOGUE:
Good use of dialogue cleverly interwoven with
the narrative piece.
* TIME / PLACE / SCENE/SETTING:
End of school term at Unity School, Ohafia,
(Abia State?), Eastern Nigeria. The story starts
out at the narrator’s secondary school then
progresses to the bus park, from where he is
meant to board a bus to Aba.
* MY LIKES:
An intruiging, light-hearted, captivating piece
of comedy that I found really enjoyable.
Definitely good for a weekend read!
* MY DISLIKES:
A lot of work needs to go in here in terms of
copy-editing and proof-reading. This piece is
raft with numerous:
~ Spelling and grammatical errors
~ Wrong sentence structures
~ Verb tense inconsistencies
~ ‘Head-hopping’ and distracting Point-Of-View
infractions
~ Narrator tends to lose focus and diverge into
unnecessary descriptions that do nothing to
enhance the storyline
* FAVOURITE LINE(S):
I recited ‘Our lord’s prayer’ in my mind.
Alast, Aba here I come.
‘Until you face a difficult situation, one.
wouldn’t realize how much innovative skills
he has in stock’
The last line is especially true and in dire times,
can make the difference between life and
death decisions made when boxed into a
corner. The narrator managed to get himself
out of a sticky situation based on a
combination of luck and ‘thinking on his feet’.
* AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Okay, I picked up quite a lot of errors in your
write-up. I’ll mention a couple of them just
once, but the onus is on you to apply the
corrections to the rest of your work:
~ It was another season of relaxation and
enjoyment as holiday was fast approaching.
I had communicated with my dad some days
back via our school payphone centre to send
me some money for my transport fare back
home and small pocket money for other
miscellaneous expenses. That has been my
modus operandi; I send message across to
my parents few days to end of the term. My
reason was to avoid falling victim of stolen
money as it was a norm in our dormitory.
Theft is common in school hostels/
dormitories [mostly amongst guys] where
there is a combination of different
characters; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Your opening sentence was quite promising,
but then it was followed by a raft of
grammatical errors and tense mix-ups.
~ My Suggestion: “It was another season of
relaxation and enjoyment as the holidays drew
near. I had communicated with my dad a few
days ago via my school’s payphone center to
send me some money for my transportation
fare back home, and a little pocket money for
any other miscellaneous expenses that might
arise. My reason for sending such messages to
my parents a few days to the end of term was
to avoid falling victim to theft – a common
occurrence at my hall (hostel) of residence…”
~ Personally, I think this reads better as it’s
tighter and you send your message across in
fewer, clear-cut lines. The last two sentences
about theft being a common activity at your
school are redundant as you’ve already told us
that a few sentences earlier.
~ Your mentioning characters being “good,
bad, and ugly” mostly among guys should also
be discarded because it’s a POV (Point of View)
infraction where you’re jumping from the
protagonist’s narration to the author. This
scene is told from the protagonist’s point of
view, so he would have to know this
information. Putting this in parentheses and
providing information to the reader from the
author is called Authorial Intrusion. This
confuses the reader because he or she loses
track of who is telling the story. You do this a
couple more times throughout your story:
**[unity school no be beans naa] - Your
sudden diversion into vernacular or Pidgin
English is breath-taking. It leaves the reader
astounded and wondering what’s really going
on here. Don’t get me wrong – a little used
here and there, in dialogue and direct speech
is okay, but when it features heavily
throughout your prose, you give the reader
the impression you’ve suddenly given up
trying to write in simple, clear English. It also
makes you come across as a lazy writer. But
most importantly, you need to keep focus of
who your intended audiences are. If this is
strictly for Nigerians or the few West Africans
who understand Pidgin English, as opposed to
the rest of the world, then just be aware you’ll
be limiting the potential sales of your story.
Only a minority understand vernacular (which
incidentally varies from country to country),
and fewer even, are prepared so spend money
purchasing such works.
** [girls inclusive atymes] – You must make
concerted efforts to spell out your words. You
won’t be doing yourself any favours by writing
in a way that’s comfortable to you, as opposed
to adhering to the rules of grammar and
sentence structure. Yes, it’s hard ‘unlearning’
bad habits, but if you want to be a better
writer, you’ve got to get stuck in and try
improve upon your sentence structure. For
what it’s worth, you don’t say, “girls inclusive
atymes.” You say, “and girls inclusive”, or
“sometimes, including girls”.
** [ I am d generous type who loves to make
people around me happy] – I’m the generous
type who loves making the people around me,
happy.
** [dat kind Manchester united for EPL] –
Although discouraged especially in fiction
writing, IF you must use abbreviations in your
write-up, then you must spell them out the
first time, afterwards you can continue with
the abbreviations. Never assume your readers
know what you’re referring to. I’m not a footie
fan and I’m wondering what EPL means? You
also don’t say ‘dat kind…’ It’s ‘that sort of…’.
** [ we dey chop three square meal daily] –
Unnecessary POV infraction that’s best deleted.
** [ I wondered if dat was d mssg my dad
sent but on a 2nd thought, discarded the
idea] . – I wondered if that was the message my
dad sent me, but on second thoughts, I
discarded the idea. When writing numbers in
prose, you must spell them out if they’re less
than 100. So anything that is ninety-nine and
below must be spelt out. Bear in mind also that
you need to hyphenate compound numbers.
So say for example the number 24. Don’t write
24. Write twenty-four.
** [ money don enta be dat ni] -Unnecessary
POV infraction that’s best deleted.
** [I feigned innocence] – Feigning
ignorance… (always use strong, active verbs as
opposed to weak passive verbs in your
sentences)
** (if things doesn’t go according to plan) - If
things don’t go according to plan. (singular:
thing, does, doesn't), (Plural: things, do, don’t)
** (I normally keep my travel tickets for
some reasons I cannot phantom) – Normally,
I tend to keep my travel tickets, but for some
reason which I couldn’t fathom (not
phantom).
** (maybe trying to bring out wallet or
readjust) – Perhaps, bringing out my wallet or
readjusting my seating position
~ non beneficiaries – change to: non-
beneficiaries
Dialogue and Dialogue Tags
When writing prose, you must endeavor to
make the distinction between spoken speech,
your character’s thoughts and the narrative
itself. To do this, enclose spoken or direct
speech in quotes, and your character’s
thoughts in italics. Now let’s take a look at a
sample dialogue between your main character
and his house master, Mr. Alala:
“Anyways,” he continued, “your dad called me
yesterday.”
“Ok sir”, I nodded slightly [ money don enta be
dat ni]
Mr Alala gazed at me for seconds before he
continued, “your dad sent you some money
thiis morning through waybill, but he did not
disclose the amount to me. He said it is for
your transport fare to Aba.”
“Thank you sir,” I replied beaming with smile.
“Eeehm Bright why has your cash column in
my register been inactive since the
commencement of this term?
So you are now too big to have a guardian
eeeeh,” Mr Alala pressed further.
“No sir, it is just that you are not always
around each time I come to the staff room to
meet you.” [I feigned innocence]
“That is your choice to make, but please don’t
visit me with missing money issues,” he
concluded and left.
As you can see, I’ve included quotation marks
in your dialogue between your characters,
thereby making it easier for your readers to
discern who’s speaking. (Note: if a speaker’s
speech runs into a new paragraph, open up the
first paragraph with speech marks, but don’t
close it till you get to the end of his or her
spoken speech at the end of the last line.)
Now, let’s look at dialogue tags. These are
phrases such as, “he said”, “she said”, after
spoken speech. When you have two characters
discussing amongst themselves, you should
cut down the use of these tags to minimum
use. Take a look at the same quoted speech,
further modified:
“Anyway, your dad called me yesterday.”
“Ok sir,” I nodded
Mr Alala gazed at me for a few seconds before
continuing, “Your dad sent you some money
this morning through waybill, but he didn’t
disclose the amount to me. He said it’s for your
transportion fare to Aba.”
“Thank you sir,” I replied beaming with smile.
“Eeehm Bright why has your cash column in
my register been inactive since the
commencement of this term?
So you are now too big to have a guardian
eeeeh?”
“No sir, it is just that you are not always
around each time I come to the staff room to
meet you.”
“That’s your choice to make, but please don’t
visit me regarding missing money issues,” he
concluded.
* MEMORABLE WRITING:
This bit got stuck in my mind as I found myself
almost biting my nails, hoping the narrator
won’t get caught and eager to find out what
happened next:
He started the ticket gross check from the
front passenger seat and everybody flashed
their tickets to his face Plainmirror inclusive.
However, his search wasn’t justified as he had
hoped to catch a scapegoat without ticket so he
beckoned on everybody to come down from
the bus for a second thorough search.
This time I shuddered but maintained my cool
so as not to draw unnecessary suspicion.
I better coordinate myself well if not my spot
in the bus will be sold to the scores of students
still waiting for bus. Not after it has also caused
me a big embarrassment because some girls
and junior students were also inside the bus.
It was already getting to some minutes past
three O’clock and had a journey of about two
hours thirty minutes ahead of us. So some
students complained bitterly capitalizing on
time factor.
The driver checked the tickets again as we
individually entered the bus but his quest was
to no avail. He however shifted the blame to
his mate and ignited the car engine.
* ADDITIONAL COMMENTS:
A very interesting piece which I thoroughly
enjoyed. Granted, the numerous errors were
off-putting and I was tempted not to continue
beyond the third paragraph, but, I’m glad I did.
A great deal of work is needed to polish this
piece of prose, but PlainMirror, take it from me
that you are indeed a rough diamond!
A final word of encouragement here: Having
the best command of written English is
admirable but will not sell your story if you
bore your readers to tears. Thankfully, you
don’t fall into that category. I’ll advice you to
keep on reading books. Expand your
vocabulary and never, ever stop writing. With
hardwork and a determination to succeed,
you’ll eventually get there.
Wishing you all the best and keep up the good
work! Well done.
Cheers,
Efe.
(Quote) (Report) (Like)

@ Efemena_xy
You are a good fellow.

This is how appraisals should come. You appreciate †нэ good sides and discourage †нэ flaw area without hurting †нэ writer. This way, †нэ potential writer will gladly accept error and happily improve.
I hope these female judges that claim to 'know too many' learn from you.

Merci beaucoup

.

* in 2baba's voice*
Thank you
Dante
Obrigado
Gracias
Merci beaucoup
I love ya !

Am happy to be a partaker in dis awesome competition. Am not a good writer just lyk †нэ credible judges pointed out. i luv tryn ma fingers on things whc i just did.

My appreciation goes to mazi for giving me a slot in his top five. Ʊ are †нэ sole reason i ever wrote in lit. section. If i had wanted to be a writer, then Ʊ would be my mentor cos Ʊ are just unique.
Although am an underdog in dis competition, i still enjoyed it while it lasted. Am open to all possibilities and i wrote for fun.


Pls permit me to add some gold coats to †нэ bentley by makin' an additional #500 to †нэ grand price.

Thanks

Ishilove: Yep, definitely a fan of flow1769

Am not a shadow of anybody. I do things my way.

Ishilove: You don't handle criticism well, do you?

Constructive ones

@omolola I liked †нэ way you criticised my work word for word. It is obvious you are not a fan of adventures hence ur unfavourable appraisal.
You said dat my story title doesn't relate to its contents. Now lemme ask you dis -
Is traveling without paying for †нэ fare not a risky venture to undertake?

Is it not an unusual experience?

Apart from †нэ way i summarised it, could Ʊ hv predicted †нэ outcome?

Yet Ʊ say my experience is not worth an adventure. Maybe Ʊ hv to search U̶̲̥̅̊я dictionary properly and find †нэ underlying meaning of 'adventure'.
Obviously, dis is a competition and Ʊ happen to be a judge and i respect Ʊ for dat. But let it not get into U̶̲̥̅̊я head.
Thanks

Yepaaa!!!!!!!
We made FP
@KMJ congratulobia

ZUBY77: Women, Respect them. They have powers. Its about them, everything you do. Almost every other thing is foolishness.

I totally disagree on this; its not always about women.
Don't generalize such matters next time.
One man food na anoda man poison

[quote author=www.tortoise]This Plainmirror of a guy too good joor.
Seriozly you be thinking machine [/quote]Thanks bro
Am sure it will interest you to know dat †нэ story didn't end there. I had to adhere to †нэ 2500 word yardstick.

Silence is golden.

desertboom: Oh. . . Mr. Mind reader, what makes you think I am not writing from my mind? Will Mr. Zubby spank me if I say the other way round? Maybe in your deluded eyes I am trying to hide under zubby to be heard.

Mr. Mind reader, does it mean I don't have opinion to say things the way I see them.

Please, take your emotional bull poo to somewhere else, I am far enlighten than butt licking.

Is it my fault that you can't read, comprehend, assimilate and analyze? Is it my fault you can't criticise constructively?

Hence, keep your backwardness to yourself if you don't have anything logical and intelligent and stop quoting me to write trash and emotional bull crap.

Now i see how shallow your reasoning is.
Do i need remind you that am far more matured to argue over someone elses life predicaments?
Pls do not ever quote me again. Go ahead and read, assimilate without sieving then act lyk a programmed robot from mr zuby manufacturing company.i detest 1d!0ts lyk you.

desertboom: Nigerians and religions, the fear of hell fire is the begining of wisdom to my fellow Nigerians.

My friend religion is everywhere so don't narrow it down to Africa and Nigeria alone.
Try and learn how to speak your mind and not from the shadow of one mr zuby.
Thanks

I remember my good old days @ FGC Ohafia.

Just for the records mr physician (zuby) there is a living God. *fear Him*


Thanks

Different strokes for different folks. Dats what i call it

kayemjay: Plainmirror!!! Chai! Very Good Bad Guy.

Chop knuckle.

Ehm..Ehm.. (Clears throat, Wears straight face and changes countenance)

Good story. Read every word. You really did a good job. However, your dialogue was poor. No quotation marks, inadequate punctuation and you almost scattered my line of thought, especially when the guardian accosted you when you were washing.

Try and deliver your thoughts instead of putting them in brackets.
And make your story FLOW with ease. Like Repo mentioned, it seemed like you wrote this in a hurry.

It felt like you were writing against time so you had to ramble through.

But believe me, it's a good piece.

Nice.

It was a rough mind to pen work bro. I intend to deliver the message raw.
Thanks for your appraisal anyway

Knock
Knock

Helloooo
*peeps in* where are the judges

I briskly walked to the staff room and met my guardian disbursing students in his payroll. I stood at a corner and patiently waited for him. My eye glanced the gate and environs in quick succession through the window. Students heading to the gate from different dimensions whilst struggling with their bags, security men shouting at wayward students and instructing others to dress properly. I also learnt that buses where now a bit scarce and students were compelled to ply a bike to the main park located at ‘amaepku’.

How am I supposed to compete for space in a bus with people that had cash on them. It was then crystal clear to me that the odds were against me.

Due to the increasing number of people waiting for mr Alala, I sensed that delay could be dangerous so I left in search of my 'paddy paddy' who had promised to help out.
After what seemed to be an unending search, I was told by few people I asked that Iyke had also gone to the ‘amaekpu’ main park. By then it was getting some minutes past one o’clock.
I ran to the hostel, opened my cupboard and exited with my travelling box. I had wanted to call a bike to take me to the main park but my pocket suggested otherwise; I had only #40.
If I could meet Iyke there at the park, maybe he will help me foot the bike man’s bill. I thought
.
Without having a rethink or plan B (if things doesn’t go according to plan), I halted a bike man and headed straight to the park.

As I alighted from the bike, I carried my box to a big tree beside and told the bike man to help me look after the box. I also signaled him with my hand that I want to collect something from a friend.
The park was empty of buses and there was only one bus that was already filled and ready to move. I searched for Iyke through the window of the bus but he wasn’t there. But was told that there bus just left some minutes ago. I was dumbfounded whilst the bike man was still standby waiting to be paid. Only if he knew my predicament at the moment.
I monitored him from where I stood and moved immediately his gaze left me. I had also wanted to take my box along but discarded the idea because if I had done the former, I would surely be caught because the box was clearly in his front view.

If this man doesn’t see you, he might resort to carrying your box, I reasoned.

What if I go to plead with him and he turns a deaf ear.

Well if he intends to carry my box, I will show myself and explain to him moreover I still have #40 with me,maybe he will consider me and forfeit the remaining #30. It was a gamble worth undertaking.

I was still lost in thought of what my next action would be when a lady with a handbag approached the bike man, spoke some incoherent words, climbed atop the back seat and the bike man took a different route and sped off.
I maintained my hiding position for sometime before I came out. I reached for my box immediately and located a yellow container shop, walked behind and dropped my box. It was a perfect spot to observe anybody entering the park. The bike man could return in search of me and I gatz be on alert.

Students both girls and boys clustered the park readily awaiting any bus that is going there destination. It was getting a bit late in the day as the time in my wrist watch read 2:15pm. Journey from Ohafia to Aba consumed like 2hours30mins minimum. As I was still making some mental calculations, a bus drove inside the park. I watched as students from different angles ran towards the incoming bus causing a stampede. Some flew inside through the car boot other struggled to gain entrance through the door. It was the survival of the fittest and I prepared for the worst.
I undid my wrist watch and opened the front compartment of my box. Just as I was about to drop the wrist watch, my hand felt something inside. I thought it was money initially but as I withdrew my hand grabbing the stuff firmly, I saw it was nothing but a rectangular pieces of paper. A closer look revealed that it was an old transport tickets (I normally keep my travel tickets for some reasons I cannot phantom). I mopped at them for sometime and was about to jettison them when an idea dropped into my head.

I could use this rowdy environment to my advantage using the tickets, I thought.

Yes, no harm in trial, another voice echoed within me. It was a game of the mind and I was ready because that was obviously my last option.

Some minutes later, another bus arrived. I left my box behind and ran towards the bus. After much hustle for space, I managed to secure a seat at the second to the last row beside the glass window. I excused myself and alighted from the bus. The bus number plate read AQ 4277 EKS. I made a mental photocopy of it and went to pick my box from where I left it.
On getting there, I brought out the past transport tickets and searched for any that had the same number on it. Albeit, favor smiled on me as I found a match in the past tickets; it could be coincidence or luck but I believe all things worketh out for good. I had successfully crossed the first hurdle, only time would determine my faith.

Not long before everybody settled down and time for money collection was at hand as the driver’s mate (conductor) yelled. He started collecting money from people but in an irregular pattern. He would approach someone and if the person delays in paying (maybe trying to bring out wallet or readjust), he will move to the next person. I closely observed the proceedings and when he came to me, I bent down, unzipped my box and fondled with it. He wasted no time in moving to another passenger just as I had anticipated.
I closely observed the tickets he issued after payment and figured out that it was only the numbers and alphabets in the number plate and the fare which was #500 that was written on the tickets. Exactly same as mine; no dates, no destination, no A L T station code written on their respective columns. Well that was their greatest undoing as I was ready to exploit the loophole to my advantage.

Several minutes later, the driver and his mate were arguing over something which nearly caused a little fight between them. I knew it must be correlated to shortage in actual fund which was my making.

Abeg make everybody hold em ticket for hand, the driver’s mate screamed.

He started the ticket gross check from the front passenger seat and everybody flashed their tickets to his face Plainmirror inclusive. However, his search wasn’t justified as he had hoped to catch a scapegoat without ticket so he beckoned on everybody to come down from the bus for a second thorough search.

This time I shuddered but maintained my cool so as not to draw unnecessary suspicion.
I better coordinate myself well if not my spot in the bus will be sold to the scores of students still waiting for bus. Not after it has also caused me a big embarrassment because some girls and junior students were also inside the bus.
It was already getting to some minutes past three O’clock and had a journey of about two hours thirty minutes ahead of us. So some students complained bitterly capitalizing on time factor.
The driver checked the tickets again as we individually entered the bus but his quest was to no avail. He however shifted the blame to his mate and ignited the car engine.

I recited ‘Our lord’s prayer’ in my mind.
Alast, Aba here I come.


‘Until you face a difficult situation, one. wouldn’t realize how much innovative skills he has in stock’



THE END

MY TRAVEL ADVENTURE
It was another season of relaxation and enjoyment as holiday was fast approaching. I had communicated with my dad some days back via our school payphone centre to send me some money for my transport fare back home and small pocket money for other miscellaneous expenses. That has been my modus operandi; I send message across to my parents few days to end of the term. My reason was to avoid falling victim of stolen money as it was a norm in our dormitory. Theft is common in school hostels/dormitories [mostly amongst guys] where there is a combination of different characters; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

As a big boy then in SS2 [unity school no be beans naa], I banked my money myself. During ‘break’ periods, I would go to the school canteen with my guys [girls inclusive atymes] and consume some edibles courtesy of my regular sponsoring [ I am d generous type who loves to make people around me happy]. This earned me many friends both male and female; some non beneficiaries of my benevolence branded me a SPOILT CHILD maybe they thought I came from a very wealthy family and to cap it all, I was a title contender in my class [dat kind Manchester united for EPL] LoL .
Despite coming from a middle class family [ we dey chop three square meal daily], I never gave d gossipers any reason to think otherwise, in fact I enjoyed d gossips because it enveloped me with an air of unpredictability.

An eve to the end of term, I was busy washing some clothes and gisting with my friends at d balcony of ‘purple house’ my hostel beside the tap area when Mr Alala ‘red house master’ who happened to be my school guardian approached and informed me that he received a message from my dad. He took me to a distinct area from where I was washing and scolded me on how I had been lavishing my money and afterwards disturb my parents about money[ I wondered if dat was d mssg my dad sent but on a 2nd thought, discarded the idea].

Anyways, he continued your dad called me yesterday .

Ok sir, I nodded slightly [ money don enta be dat ni]

Mr Alala gazed at me for seconds before he continued, your dad sent you some money thiis morning through waybill, but he did not disclose the amount to me. He said it is for your transport fare to Aba.

Thank you sir, I replied beaming with smile.

Eeehm Bright why has your cash column in my register been inactive since the commencement of this term?

So you are now too big to have a guardian eeeeh, Mr Alala pressed further.

No sir, it is just that you are not always around each time I come to the staff room to meet you [I feigned innocence]

That is your choice to make, but please don’t visit me with missing money issues; he concluded and left.

‘ do you need a spectacle to observe that am now a bigboi’ I murmured as I resumed my washing. The main reason why I detested banking my money with a guardian was because of the herculean task one faces before you get a payout\withdrawal such as - making a two days notice prior to collecting any amount that exceeds #500, queuing up to cash out b4 you refresh during break. No way am I going to subscribe to that. One should be entitled to enjoy his\her wealth at his\her convenience and not the other way round.

The ‘D’ day finally came on a very bright and sunny morning. I visited numerous friends of mine in various hostels that morning to bid farewell and also arrange with others that am to travel together with to Aba. Before then, I had gone to our security office where all waybill items such as money or provision arrived to check if my waybill package had arrived but to no avail. I quickly took my bath and hurried to the security office to inquire about my package for the third time, but was told that no A L T driver had delivered to them any item for 2days. I headed straight to the call centre and called my dad.
He was surprised after I told him that am yet to receive the money he sent, he narrated to me how he went to Abia Line Transport park and negotiated with the driver before he handed the driver by name JONA #2000 enclosed in an envelope with my name boldly written on it. According to my dad, he handed him 500 as against the normal #300 commission. I thanked my dad and promised to check back on the security office, I hung up.
With my ‘last card’ being #100, I paid for the 2min call duration and was left with #40.
As I sluggishly dragged my feet on my way back to the hostel, the bell for final assembly rang. I increased my pace because I had to change my casual wear [day wear] to white and maroon red school uniform which majority of students I met on my entrance to the hostel gate wore already. While some junior students out of joy hurried to the assembly ground with their traveling bags. I met Iyke my ‘paddy paddy’ whom I was supposed to travel with on the way and informed him of the latest development. He said that the money he kept with his guardian wouldn’t be sufficient for two people but promised to help me out in any little way.

After the final general assembly for the term, I visited the security office once more but was told that no item had been received on my behalf. Buses had flooded the front gate waiting for the gate to be opened. Scores of JSS students had saturated the gate area with their bags waiting for the gate to be opened as well. I instantly felt goosebumps all over my skin circumference. I was discombobulated and irate hence I left that office with a moody face.
The day had started to turn sour for me. I sensed frustration and disappointment as my instincts never failed me.

Problems or unfavorable conditions are times to think and not panic, I managed to encourage myself.
Should I solicit help from friends\ but I got my ego to protect. No I ruled out the idea. The truth is that some might help out but I was sure such gesture might be used against me.

Should I call my dad and…… no way. The man had already assisted me enough, informing him of my present predicament would mean disturbance more so there was nothing he could do to savage me safe to send another money across which was my last option. This is my cross to carry and I believed I could handle it without much ado; or so I thought.
Yeeaah! an idea finally dropped into my medulla oblongata. Maybe I should meet Mr Alala, he might help me out. I headed straight to my guardians office little did I know that it was the genesis of my adventure.