₦airaland Forum

Ishilove:
Why did you now use FBA if you aren't sure of the meaning?

You have confused me ooo

Not sure I used FBA oooo. *scratches head*

Ishilove:
People become case studies and part of the statistics when the choose specs over peace of mind. Of course they will tell you "I can't marry someone I'm not attracted to", but they forget that specs alone cannot sustain a marriage. That face will wrinkle, the ass will become wobbly, the nacks will definitely reduce overtime, but you see that intangible aspect of them that will not be ravaged by the passage of time? That is what will keep the marriage going when all else becomes flabby and wrinkled.

addictiv:
Why do people always have this mindset that you must choose between two evils. Like choosing between a caring poor man and an arrogant rich man, a beautiful arrogant girl and a well behaved ugly girl. Why can't the options be two beautiful well behaved ladies or two wealthy good-looking well trained gentlemen?... Why must the good choice always have an unpalatable flaw?
I strongly believe that specs and peace of mind can be found in one person, I shouldn't have to give up one for the other. There re women with both qualities and more... Find them.

[color=deeppink]Sighsssssss. I couldn't resist commenting on this. But any how sha. It is well. It always (feel) like I'm too idealistic seeing things this way... but are they really? Really not practical?

And again, this is NOT even about perfection. This is NOT about looking for a doll-like physique, but there are people that are not on the extremes of these things. Beautiful, intelligent, rich (or at least to a point they're comfortable), well-behaved... because people will come at you with - "you have to manage, nobody is perfect." So? Does that mean there shouldn't be a level at which you CANNOT date below and a level for WHICH you'll not continue to date (as in deal-breakers)?

And maybe I'm just seeing this from a very limited perspective...so... I can't see everything else in the whole world to know that you have to forego one for another.[/color]

both

Peace of mind, without peace that specs is shattered besides women get unattractive with age

Specs in most cases generate a subliminal peace of mind. It is a mystery.

So For guys Spec but for ladies, Peace of mind cos if you are not your husband's spec, any small mistake you make will most likely be magnified by him but if you are his spec, even if you slap him, he will most likely forgive you.

For a Man to divorce his spec, then the offence go dey very serious but if you are not a man's spec, even farting could trigger a divorce.

I go with spec and peace of mind together... positive on having both in one quality.

Marriage is nothing but a waste of time

Ishilove:
People become case studies and part of the statistics when the choose specs over peace of mind. Of course they will tell you "I can't marry someone I'm not attracted to", but they forget that specs alone cannot sustain a marriage. That face will wrinkle, the ass will become wobbly, the nacks will definitely reduce overtime, but you see that intangible aspect of them that will not be ravaged by the passage of time? That is what will keep the marriage going when all else becomes flabby and wrinkled.

That's why I will advice all men like our patriachal fathers of old used to do, to have side chicks who are young and attractive to sleep with while still making provisioning to our main wife or better still if we have the means and strength, to become polygamous but mordern men are lazy and fearful of ordinary women, not me though, I'm following the paths of my father's father's, these would solve both the spec and peace of mind problem simultaneously

Woooo this life ehnnn. Some people are not with their spec and this their non spec is not giving Dem peace of mind.

Comment readers association of Nairaland hit like bot

Peace of mind over spec

Women's beauty diminishes with time.

I noticed that most men that are looking for spec because they are thinking with a feminine mindset. Most men have scarcity mindset and so they are as loyal as their options. Men's game is attaining as many women as possible. Women's game is locking down a high value man.
Men want quantity, women want quality that is why women want men who are superior to them in every areas of life (financially,physically etc) but men just want women who are fit, attractive and friendly. Men don't care about a woman's status but women love men who have status because women are attracted to men who other men wanna be and other women wanna Bleep.

For those who are wondering, FBA = Fun, Beautiful and Attractive. You're welcome

petitejolie:
Woooo this life ehnnn. Some people are not with their spec and this their non spec is not giving Dem peace of mind.

LOL. Funny but true. It's not the case that a non-spec will translate to peace of mind.

Ishilove:
People become case studies and part of the statistics when the choose specs over peace of mind. Of course they will tell you "I can't marry someone I'm not attracted to", but they forget that specs alone cannot sustain a marriage. That face will wrinkle, the ass will become wobbly, the nacks will definitely reduce overtime, but you see that intangible aspect of them that will not be ravaged by the passage of time? That is what will keep the marriage going when all else becomes flabby and wrinkled.

Ishilove you are so very right but you and i know that the heart wants what it wants and this is the inner conflict that makes romance very intriguing.

Even you that wrote that will never ever settle below a certain spec even if your phronesis tells you such man is the right one for you but if we can truly understand that peace of mind is very very important and meticulously choose a partner that we know will give us peace of mind, we will enjoy the best romance ever...BUT THE QUESTION IS...''WILL OUR HEARTS ALLOW US''?

johnkey:
Marriage is totally unnecessary now, know this and know peace in your life. You can choose to still look fresh and bubbling with enough money at 70 banging young pussies (some of my future sugar girls have not been born trust me).

Your moniker says it all!

DEMZEE:
Peace of mind over spec

Women beauty diminishes with time.

I noticed that most men that are looking for spec because they are thinking with a feminine mindset. Most men have scarcity mindset and so they are as loyal as their options. Men's game is attaining as many women as possible. Women's game is locking down a high value man.
Men want quantity, women want quality that is why women want men who are superior to them in every areas of life (financially,physically etc) but men just want women who are fit, attractive and friendly. Men don't care about a woman's status but women love men who have status because women are attracted to men who other men wanna be and other women wanna Bleep.

At the end, everything nah madness.

A guy goes for peace and whenever he makes love to his peace of mind he wishes he is doing his spec....Abeg this thing just dey complicated.

Me i have always gone for my spec and always ready to tolerate anything asides unfaithfulness. I cant be in bed with my wife and starts imagining i'm doing another lady. That is serious sexual bondage.

Klass99:
Your post had me smiling from ear to ear. I like your outlook on life but what do you mean by public commitment?

I needed that self awareness and to discover myself before getting married. Marrying @ 22 just didn't feel right to me, thankfully I had (and still have) enlightened parents who didn't push or force the issue of marriage on any of their kids.

Now that I'm older, more self aware and I think independently (I've always had a mind of own and was a non-conformist as far back as secondary school & university anyway ) I know that;

1. I want to love and be loved.

2. I'm not crazy about having kids of my own. The thought of it exhausts me, more than it excites me.

3. I want a man who understands that even though we may be married, we do not lose ourselves or individuality. On point 3, the lyrics from one of Neyo's says songs comes to mind - I'm a movement by myself but we are a force when we are together.

4. I want and love companionship, good and authentic companionship with lots of quality time with my man, like just cuddling him in front of the TV, while we watch our favourite programs and me running my hands over his bare chest, occasionally massaging his neck and shoulders. I don't think you love love more than me o especially when the feeling is mutual.

5. I want a married life experience where he'll be my baby and I'll be his. We will be two adults just taking care of each other and doing the good we can in our community and to the people in our lives and space (whether we know them personally or not)

Younger me may have gotten married simply because;

1. My suitor was good looking, he wanted it and was mounting the pressure like kilode?

2. The so called society expected it of me as a woman and......

3. Who knows I may have been one of your case studies today if not divorced sef

Older me has the presence of mind to make well thought out decisions on the basis of my self awareness. Decisions that help rather than hurt me, in the short or long run.

I'm good. I hope you are too.

Not realistic

This got me thinking, “Man can practically adore a woman's shadow just to 'get there.” Let me not call him a randy SIMP yet because men whose senses has been fried are fond of this.

There's no Psalm 123:7 OP. It only has 4 verses.

You've said the reality of things about marriage especially when one is blinded by “spec” without actually taking into account what mattered most.

Should we advice the young ones to marry those they are compatible with? But I believe the problem lies on individuals: both man and woman. Develop yourself into one that could be a good husband and wife. Make yourself marriageable! And don't allow lust (mistakenly called love) to blind you when you're choosing your spouse.

Toks2008:
At the end, everything nah madness.

A guy goes for peace and whenever he makes love to his peace of mind he wishes he is doing his spec....Abeg this thing just dey complicated.

Me i have always gone for my spec and always ready to tolerate anything asides unfaithfulness. I cant be in bed with my wife and starts imagining i'm doing another lady. That is serious sexual bondage.

Beauty is vain

Beauty doesn't last forever

addictiv:
Why do people always have this mindset that you must choose between two evils. Like choosing between a caring poor man and an arrogant rich man, a beautiful arrogant girl and a well behaved ugly girl. Why can't the options be two beautiful well behaved ladies or two wealthy good-looking well trained gentlemen?... Why must the good choice always have an unpalatable flaw?
I strongly believe that specs and peace of mind can be found in one person, I shouldn't have to give up one for the other. There re women with both qualities and more... Find them.

Don't mind the guy.
One would for some who sounds so woke, his brain wouldn't be running on Nollywood movies of old


In his mind, all the people that are not "spec-like" are well mannered and don't cheat

Nice write up OP. I like your flow of words. I found myself wanting more at the end. Nevertheless, OP you should know that people's priorities in life change over time. We are not static and our desires are not static. It is impossible to know what will happen 5 years after marriage. Your partner can develop a terminal illness, lose jobs, change in many ways than one. Personally I feel it is grace that sees us through marriage. both parties need to continually work to keep the marriage alive. If your marriage is bliss thank God. If your marriage has turned to a nightmare pray to God.

Sanchez01:
It took me a while to decide on the title of this thread but then, it still somehow doesn't capture the idea of my post. Regardless, here goes...

There is no denying that living together as a couple between most men and their wife is like a herculean task these days, no thanks to divorce news, accusations and counter-accusations thrown around on almost every social media platform. As usual, Nairaland is not spared.

I have so many married friends with varying degrees of marital issues and it often flies above my head how their issues degenerated so bad that they have practically become housemates with their other person. They talk when in the home, laugh once in a while but the mental and emotional connection is all but gone. For the sake of this particular thread, I will be citing 4 different cases of my married friends, of both genders then will also look at some wild-spec instances I picked or learnt from my unmarried friends. These are all real-life scenarios.

Case One:

She was 22 and barely out of school before she got married to her husband. They didn't really know each other that much as a matter of fact but they got married anyway. Her reason was that 'he ticked all of her boxes' (which were basically money, a car and at least a 3 bedroom apartment). Hubby, on her part, decided to marry her because she is fair-skinned, gap-toothed and tall. Their marriage is about 6 years now and they have 3 amazing kids.

The problem?

The 'male spec' isn't strong bedmatically, he cheats (has been caught cheating by dear wife in the past), not exactly the type who communicates and has a traditional mindset. Sex, to him, is 'insert and out', share grace and sleep, and' the concept of intimacy/MouthAction is taboo in his village that if he does it, he might need to appease the gods for dishonouring them'. She has over 15 different ePDFs on ancient Kamasutra and once shared them with me. Heavy, graphic and detailed files. But he isn't interested.

The 'female spec' is indeed a beautiful lady, homely but laced with hot blood. She is wild, adventurous and isn't shy to admit or discuss her fantasies and marital sufferings with her friends, including yours truly. She is the total opposite of the 'male spec' and has or might have been cheating already. The last time she ranted about cheating and getting satisfied was about two years ago. Don't want to go beyond this.

Case 2:

Let's call him Dustin. Dustin met 'his spec' when he travelled for a project to a neighbouring state. Dustin's spec who is now his wife has an interesting appeal. She is effortlessly fair-skinned, natural pink lips, a conversationist, and an emotional being. Dustin would not allow anyone rest about his spec and how he would love and adore her the day he finds her. Practically all the ladies in his life at some point were that way but Seike (not real name) was different. Anyways, they got married and a lazy Dustin who doesn't like house chores other than doing laundry discovered that his spec of a wife doesn't actually know how to cook and doesn't like the kitchen at all. It all started as a joke until their families got involved less than 7 months into the union. Man wasn't having it anymore and wasn't willing to tolerate 'his spec's' shortcomings.

On his part, he has always been a nightcrawler and marriage has not exactly nipped that in the bud. Perhaps the idea of going home to met an empty pot when he knows he can't cook is not really appealing. Sure, he loves her but it is one petty issue or another. They are barely two years in and his great escape means is when he is travelling for projects.

Case 3

Call her MJ, the typical life of the party; lovable and quite open. As an undergraduate, MJ was an exco in her fellowship and was somewhat gentle. She was the tongue-speaking, gun-blazing, fire breathing dragon and must be present in almost all spiritual meetings organized by her fellowship, else, she is backsliding and moving away from God. She isn't actually religious but churchy. In a social gathering, she is the first to request for 'taju-taju' even when she knows there was no provision for alcohol (this is only recent). MJ's definition of spec was the now-famed TDH and boy, she got lucky! Or so we thought. 'Her spec' drips finesse. He is indeed tall, dark and charming. He is a quiet (well, so far though) chap who currently works as a manager in a financial institution and drives a pretty decent car. MJ works as an accountant and isn't bad at all.

'Finesse babyboy', unfortunately, is a cheat. Man can practically adore a woman's shadow just to 'get there'. He is barely home and when he is, always watching football. They don't talk deep anymore. At some point, she caught him cheating was ready to walk away from the marriage but she was talked into staying and that was where things went wrong. Strangely, 'baby boy' wasn't exactly skilled and a churchy MJ never really fancied sex. However, the fact that he isn't skilled in the affairs of the other room didn't deter him from cheating severally.

The problem with the marriage is Ps 123:7 and they have been married for nearly 8 years. Her inability to conceive is actually his fault but the patriarchal society we live in pressured her so much that she broke and started an affair with a chap who is a friend of the family. It all started with counselling, praying together and the rest is history. Sadly, the chap she was seeing happened to have mastered some ancient body exploration that they met almost every three days. It got so bad that she started fertility treatment with the dude. The reward for the chap being around her was gifts, money and of course the free access. She finally loved the act and couldn't get enough until a massive scandal rocked recently and she had to painfully let the guy whom she has been seeing for over 18 months go. Not sure the husband got to know the details but she told him while she wanted them to talk but because his sin were heavy and graver, he couldn't bring himself to have a heart-to-heart with her.

They are currently making conscious efforts to fix their home right now and it's been good so far.

Case 4

It just had to be a pastor's daughter for Cole. He has always been obsessed with them for weird reasons that he didn't take any chances the first time he set his eyes of Thelma. Thelma's father is a Zonal Pastor in one of the popular Pentecostal churches around. Cole is our lead guitarist and a charming young man, though struggling. The day Thelma attended a mass choir rehearsal and played the drums like a pro was the day Cole fell in love. It was her or no one else. Long story short, they are married but living apart. Thelma is in her parents' house while Cole had to temporarily relocate to make more money. His mother in law who came for Omugwo overstayed and ended up spending nearly five months. He couldn't send 'pastor's wife' away as he was scared to incur the wrath of the pastor. Strangely, sweet Thelma is still greatly attached to her mum that it made it difficult. He ran into debts trying to impress Thelma and her pastor father by throwing a big wedding he could not afford. They have 3 kids now but things are not as they ought to. What's worse, he has aged rapidly that he now looks like a shadow of himself.

Budding Case

This is rather interesting than all of the aforementioned cases. James is currently confused and unsure whether to lie to the pastor that he had a dream or not. You see, he has a girl he likes a lot but they don't even know each other that deep, strangely. James has talked to his pastor but he regretted he did as he could not respond to his pastor's only question on what his conviction is that the lady is the right person for him. His response is 'I just know she's the one for me' and nothing more. He has been asked to go and pray and has not seen a thing but he has said he might tell the pastor that he had a dream just so he can be with a fair-skinned, well-endowed lady with some puppy eyes.

My Point

There is a reason why the rate of divorce in Nigeria is high and increasing almost daily. Almost every Nigerian celebrity with a failed marriage always come out to pin it on abuse and other vices when these traits must have been seen at the earliest phase of the relationship and possibly avoided but the 'specs' fried their senses. Everyone, regardless of gender, loves a beautiful/charming person. However, this should serve as the basis for attraction and not marriage proper.

Specs will definitely not keep a relationship, let alone sustain one. As a matter of fact, one stops seeing that spec the moment you get to see the person often.

You can see a pre-wedding photo today and take a wild guess what the attraction was and you'll be right. Strangely, all of the cases I cited had one popular saying; 'he/she has changed is not the person I fell in love with'. Well, true that. you went for the spec and ignored those things that mattered the most. Imagine someone whose specs in ladies is a spotless face. . And then there is the beard gang category which almost every lady falls under.

Are specs actually bad? The obvious answer is 'NO'. However, they shouldn't be the basis for getting married. What happens, when a spotless face becomes riddled with acne? What happens when one of those straight, fine legs get amputated after getting married for just that one reason? What happens when pressures zap your libido and the primary reason you married is for sex?

I am not saying people should end up with the exact opposite of what they have in mind. Rather, they should pay attention to deep traits that will come in handy and possibly sustain the marriage when the time comes.

You read or hear about a particular marital problem and you can't help but wonder what the couple talked about or discussed during dating/courtship. Marriage remains beautiful but most people marry for all the wrong reasons in the world. Specs won't keep a home and it won't make one happy forever. I think it is high time young people really sat down and learn to prioritize what is of benefit to them and their home; specs or peace of mind?

Marriages fail because people look for the wrong things in a partner, not striking a proper balance of what they want vs what’s best for them, wrong yardsticks and they are not matured for marriage.

What is worst is some don’t even know who they are with and planning to marry. Lol

Imagine not choosing your spec and you still have no peace of mind.
**shivers**

It's quite unfortunate and sad as it may sound marriage is not where you hope to get peace of mind from.

Peace of mind walaihi. Spec with bad character and lack of common, will lead u to early death.

Freeeanijor:
It's quite unfortunate and sad as it may sound marriage is not where you hope to get peace of mind from.

Big lie. You must have married an unsupportive wife.

Marriage is a sacred union and one with much complexity. I often advice that people should go for peace of mind rather than spec when it comes to marriage cos there are countless feats you could achieve when you have peace of mind.
Before I got married, in my dating phase I mostly went into relationships with guys from stable homes...it may sound like am selective or judgemental but this this greatly influences the behavior of people. The few people I knew that were from broken homes had some sort of repulsive behavior.
I believe in marriage cos my parents have been together for close to 30 years and their bond keep getting stronger, they sometimes get angry at each other but they hardly raise their voices talkless of raise their hands to fight...they have never fought since I was born.Now, that sets a bar for the kind of marriage I prayed to have.
When I met my fiancé now husband, I was concerned about his background, family and goals. I put my peace of mind before my spec, my spec was someone who is outspoken, manly, decisive , protective and can spur me to achieve my own goals too. So far it has been amazing

We sometimes have misunderstandings (yes we would cos we weren’t brought up with the same ideology) but we resolve it as soon as possible. We talk about everything and anything ...we are our best friend, we cruise together, drink together , pray together, work together and sometimes cook together. See, perfect marriage s exist only if you reject third parties in your marriage. Third parties gently break bonds in marriage without people realizing it....the only third party I allow in my marriage is God and so far so good, he has been leading us well.

iamyemiakins:
I see people preaching what they don't practice on this thread

Bros, you are entitled to your opinion.
The truth is Proverbs 3:4-6 & 16:3 is sound practical counsel to pay heed in the quest for a marriage mate.
Great character , humility and moral values surpass specs any day.
God can NOT make mistake and NEVER lead you astray,if you trust him completely coupled with humility.

I am happily married with kids for close to a decade now and I can confirm to you that humility and trust in God to make the right decisions are more important than fleeting effizy.
If you're in doubt, pay close attention to Genesis 24:1-67 and shine your eyes.

Shalom.

Sanchez01:
I used to be guilty but not anymore. I meet interesting people periodically and it is often shocking to see that being pretty does not mean much when forever is in view.

The girl I met recently is not that great looking facially but shape wise she a good and tall too. But after being in this dating thing, she has something I hold very very dear which is openness and communication vibe...

Though she is still saying No to my request but I just like the girl.