₦airaland Forum

Mryacks:
As irresponsible and selfish as your sister is, that child is innocent. You are not helping out because you want to be rewarded. You are simply a good human being who will surely be blessed by God.

Sometimes in families some carry more cross than others. You didnt cause it, but life happens. You were born into it. As long as God keeps blessing you materially just do your best for that child. That child is like your "first" child. Believe me in the future u will be tha proudest person in the world when you see how that child turns out.

Been there done that..

Stop this Blackman! The child is not like is first child.

Let those that had sex care for the child.

AishaYesufu:
Obviously your father's love for Nancy is making him act beyond his natural self. He needs to take hard decision on her for the good of all.

Right, love based on a superstitious belief.

AishaYesufu:
As a man it is your responsibility to handle family issues but not inherit their problems. Whenever a complaint is made about her, offer listening ears and give the most appropriate advice BUT if they decide not to follow your advice, leave it at that. If they repeat the complain, repeat your advice and let them to decide.

I am fed up of her, not in a hateful way, but in a dignified way. It's even these days that I am allowed to discipline her, but it has made her hate me totally, I am the eldest after my eldest sister. That girl and my parents really robbed me of some dignity. About ten years ago, I beat her up for insulting me, my father said I wanted to kill her. My mother made her belief that I should be avoided, as the "bad" person that I am. But she always behaves well, when my parents were absent or travelled.

I was too open, honest and transparent, because I felt that's how a family should be, but they usurped my position in the family. Those squabbles those really gave me shame after I calm down.

That useless guy have been caught having sex with Nancy in my mother's room, around a period when my mother travelled, around 12:00am, my father caught him on his wrist as he ran out to the street, he was stark naked, it was Nancy that threw him his boxers, while he flew. I was happy I wasn't there, because I would probably have stabbed him to death. In the morning I came home, searched the house because Nancy hid his belongings, I found his phone clothes etc. I beat the hell out of Nancy(the worst she ever received from me), my father reported the matter to a police station they beat the hell of her in the afternoon.

I barred her from using any phone at all. I collected her phone, I actually have seized about 3 phone from her. The third and last one I went to my place with it. I normally give such seized phones to my father.

Klass99:
Please do not listen to anyone who tells you blood is thicker than water.

A man's worse enemies are from within his own household - na bible talk am not me.

Why have you taken on responsibility that isn't yours in the past? When Nancy and her baby daddy are not cripples incapable of doing honest work to cater for their child?

Your first sentence made me laugh.

cococandy:
Yes you are being used. Draw the line somewhere

Thanks.

1F30M4:
After reading your story & deducing some more from your replies..

Paying your niece's school fees shouldn't be obligatory, her mum & dad should be saddled with that responsibility.. Your dad should ask to meet with the man, all members of your family should be present as well.. Y'all need to address this issue, he should make known his intentions, lay them on the table so y'all can move forward, what exactly does he want with your sister? Most importantly, why has he been found wanting in taking up full responsibility of their daughter, what sort of father is he? If e do anyhow, make una give am anyhow, deploy strict measures if need be.. Your parents should put their feet down, how can they turn a blind eye in this kind of situation? It's the way they handle(d) things that he has the guts to do as he pleases/feel as though "anything goes, nothing dey shele".. Question their acclaimed love for your sister, is that the best life they'd want for her? How come she feels superior to them? Was that how y'all grandparents groomed them? They should put a stop to this madness now, clip those wings now.. Imagine having a growing child around her, what sort of role model, what values, what morals will she portray to her daughter? Your parents should really sit up, they've been putting up with her excesses for too long hence she feels so comfortable & sees nothing wrong in her actions.. She should go find a job, anything to settle some bills & take care of her child, no matter how little, that fulfillment is second to none..

Focus on your purpose, self-discovery, career & life in general.. Doesn't mean you won't help out if you can, financially or otherwise, if they seek your advice and you have one or two, do tell even if they don't take it, it's not on you.. If your sister can't see that you've been nothing but a good brother to her then she could as well crash & burn lol I didn't quite mean that but she seems so irredeemable gosh.

Everything you said is on point, thanks.
You sound like my elder sister, she has always told Nancy that she will know my value the day I wash my hands totally away from her, which I have already done, I feel pain within me when that girl(my niece) rejoices in my presence, because I know when she grows up, her mother, possibly her grand mother will turn her against me.

kendological:
I am fed up of her, not in a hateful way, but in a dignified way. It's even these days that I am allowed to discipline her, but it has made her hate me totally, I am the eldest after my eldest sister. That girl and my parents really robbed me of some dignity. About ten years ago, I beat her up for insulting me, my father said I wanted to kill her. My mother made her belief that I should be avoided, as the "bad" person that I am. But she always behaves well, when my parents were absent or travelled.

Your father is getting aged (if not aged), you are now his GOC in matters like this. You did well to correct her irrespective of how it is interpreted because with time she will appreciate you for it.

I was too open, honest and transparent, because I felt that's how a family should be, but they usurped my position in the family. Those squabbles those really gave me shame after I calm down.[quote]you allowed your authority to be usurped, nobody usurped your authority. Than God you have reclaimed it.

[ quote]That useless guy have been caught having sex with Nancy in my mother's room, around a period when my mother travelled, around 12:00am, my father caught him on his wrist as he ran out to the street, he was stark naked, it was Nancy that threw him his boxers, while he flew. I was happy I wasn't there, because I would probably have stabbed him to death. In the morning I came home, searched the house because Nancy hid his belongings, I found his phone clothes etc. I beat the hell out of Nancy(the worst she ever received from me), my father reported the matter to a police station they beat the hell of her in the afternoon.

I barred her from using any phone at all. I collected her phone, I actually have seized about 3 phone from her. The third and last one I went to my place with it. I normally give such seized phones to my father.

Next time when you seize her phone, don't give it to your father or anyone. She must sign undertaken with a witness (elderly person) not yo misbehave as precondition.

Tha permanent solution na to give her ultimatum

kendological:
Everything you said is on point, thanks.
You sound like my elder sister, she has always told Nancy that she will know my value the day I wash my hands totally away from her, which I have already done, I feel pain within me when that girl(my niece) rejoices in my presence, because I know when she grows up, her mother, possibly her grand mother will turn her against me.

You sef sabi do like woman

If you feel it is right to care for the child and you have the means to do so, GO AHEAD. Whether she grows up to underappreciate you or not appreciate you at all, IT IS NOT AN ISSUE. You aren't sponsoring her to appreciate you, you are sponsoring her to make her life better in future.

Men have sacrificed for their children without seeing appreciation in return, yet they move on.

But if you feel that training her isn't worth the troubles, it's up to you. Just follow your mind Bros...

kendological:
My younger sister-Nancy (not her real name) gave birth to a child outside wedlock, for a very irresponsible man. This man is in his early forties, while my sister is in her mid twenties; she is younger than me by about 8 years.
The problem with her started from my parents who spoilt her from childhood. My other three sisters are all married and two of them are younger than Nancy, while one of the three is our first born.
My father has this superstitious belief that his mother reincarnated through this sister of mine, she became very rebellious, manner less and untouchable, my father will defend her against anybody when she is wrong, even against my mother, my father would even insult me just to please Nancy.
My mother was using Nancy to settle scores with me, because I refused to be manipulated by her. I am an irreligious humanist while my mother is a very toxic Christian, all my family members are Christian anyways, and we don’t discriminate generally. But my mum was using Christianity to cover her character flaws, she and my father practically turned Nancy against me. Now they are getting older Nancy have overpowered them, and they still interfere when I try to rebuke her.

I studied through the open and distance system of education, mostly self sponsored and occasionally by my father, I have been working since leaving secondary school, I graduated from the university about 2 years ago, I was disrespected so much at home just because I was still struggling. This is notwithstanding the fact that I still render assistance wherever I can. I started a business last year around June and I am now growing gradually. I am supporting my younger brother who is currently in the university. I have earned some respect in the family too.

I spent money on medical bills Nancy during pregnancy and after delivery; other members of the family have been contributing in taking care of her baby. But she is still meeting and having sex with the man who is responsible for her baby. I have seen Nancy trying to show me that the baby is her own on few occasions (I learnt firsthand how a childless woman feels when mothers ridicule her), she does not appreciate, love nor respect me.
I am an enemy to her now because I am against her lifestyle and choices. In fact, Nancy cannot even greet me for more than 6 years, my parents are aware but always make excuses for her like “we cannot force her”, “she is just immature”, “she will grow up’’ etc.

Now the child is almost due to be enrolled into pre nursery, everyone is expecting me to shoulder the responsibility, as the first son. My father always says that the child will be taken care of just like every one of his children as if he has any plan for her. They always let me know that a first son is an embodiment of patience, endurance and tolerance, just when they are about to blackmail me into doing their wishes.
I love this child but I feel that I shouldn’t start wasting my resources on a child whose mother hates me and may turn her against me later in my life, whose grandparents encouraged her mum to disrespect me and whose father may find his way into her heart when she gets to adulthood, making me a loser. If I find myself broke or in need tomorrow, I don't want to start regretting my past benevolent actions.
I am single and in my early thirties.
Please I need sound advice and sincere suggestions on what to do.

You have your life ahead of you. Dont think you have arrived to be throwing the little you have around. You better save becos in no distant time, you will have your own family. Better do not give the woman excuses even if she is earning. Tomorrow is very big. Package yourself and just support and not to be the major contributor. I repeat, support so that it will not be that you are begrudging her. See this life, you are on your own oh. When you will know the kind of people you are surrounded with is when you dont have. Nobody send you message. Be guarded

kendological:
Everything you said is on point, thanks.
You sound like my elder sister, she has always told Nancy that she will know my value the day I wash my hands totally away from her, which I have already done, I feel pain within me when that girl(my niece) rejoices in my presence, because I know when she grows up, her mother, possibly her grand mother will turn her against me.

Who cares? By then you will have ur own family. She will detest them more becos she will hear u did ur best for her. See oh. U better focus on ur self and potential family.

Mryacks:
As irresponsible and selfish as your sister is, that child is innocent. You are not helping out because you want to be rewarded. You are simply a good human being who will surely be blessed by God.

Sometimes in families some carry more cross than others. You didnt cause it, but life happens. You were born into it. As long as God keeps blessing you materially just do your best for that child. That child is like your "first" child. Believe me in the future u will be tha proudest person in the world when you see how that child turns out.

Been there done that..

That child loves me, I have loved her so far.
But where is the motivation for me, in training a child whose mum hates me. Whose grand parents aided her mother in insulting me, whose father is absolutely irresponsible?
Intact, this morning I told my father not to give anyone my key, they have enough space at home.
When the University student comes back let him stay with them.
I have really been too selfless, let me concentrate on myself, and still render help when I it's convenient for me.

kendological:
That child loves me, I have loved her so far.
But where is the motivation for me, in training a child whose mum hates me. Whose grand parents aided her mother in insulting me, whose father is absolutely irresponsible?
Intact, this morning I told my father not to give anyone my key, they have enough space at home.
When the University student comes back let him stay with them.
I have really been too selfless, let me concentrate on myself, and still render help when I it's convenient for me.

Understandable.....your last paragraph very important. I agree, you don't gotta forget yourself and personal growth.

Wishing you the best!

AishaYesufu:
Your father is getting aged (if not aged), you are now his GOC in matters like this. You did well to correct her irrespective of how it is interpreted because with time she will appreciate you for it.

My parents make me feel like a busy body, when they interfere preventing me from giving her ultimatums, my elder sister said I should do anything and damn my parents, when I do they drag my name in the mud. You as an outsider will think it's between me and them.

AishaYesufu:
Your father is getting aged (if not aged), you are now his GOC in matters like this. You did well to correct her irrespective of how it is interpreted because with time she will appreciate you for it.

Matter never finish.
The last phone I seized from her, I took it to my place, I lost my small phone and started using it as a replacement. One day I went to my family home, took my bath, forgot the phone, couldn't find it, thought it's lost.

My mum started preaching to me that we should give her another chance and let her continue using phones, not knowing she seized the last seized phone from me! I told her that if they like let them by phones for Nancy, it's their call not mine and if they do it, I won't interfere.
A week later I saw Nancy with the phone I thought was lost, I felt humiliated by my mother, she is a crafty and manipulative woman. This caused a serious issue between I and my mother.

My mother cannot seize a phone from my immediate younger brother, since then I withdrew from Nancy issues, this was 3 months ago. That phone is less than 7000 Naira.

I do my best for my family, I don't deserve to be betrayed, I keep poultry at home, from which I don't make money, rather I share among family members during Christmas, Easter and New year celebrations. I don't act rash, but when I find justification for acting, I cannot be fazed by contrary opinions.
You think my sacrifice started with Nancy's child? Thanks anyways.

AishaYesufu:
You sef sabi do like woman

If you feel it is right to care for the child and you have the means to do so, GO AHEAD. Whether she grows up to underappreciate you or not appreciate you at all, IT IS NOT AN ISSUE. You aren't sponsoring her to appreciate you, you are sponsoring her to make her life better in future.

Men have sacrificed for their children without seeing appreciation in return, yet they move on.

But if you feel that training her isn't worth the troubles, it's up to you. Just follow your mind Bros...

Let me ignore your first sentence, though you must not comment, people are reading this other will read it in future, some people who are in the same issue will learn here next time.
Choose your words carefully please, I came here because I need unbiased views.
I was doing two jobs and doing my degree programme, I cannot say a lot here to keep other people identities, at least, private. Personally I don't care for mine.

MummyD2020:
You have your life ahead of you. Dont think you have arrived to be throwing the little you have around. You better save becos in no distant time, you will have your own family. Better do not give the woman excuses even if she is earning. Tomorrow is very big. Package yourself and just support and not to be the major contributor. I repeat, support so that it will not be that you are begrudging her. See this life, you are on your own oh. When you will know the kind of people you are surrounded with is when you dont have. Nobody send you message. Be guarded

Thanks, they have shown me already when I was broke, when I lost my job then, alone in my one room apartment then, my siblings were asking my I stopped going to work. Nancy never cared for once. Thank providence I still have time, to recover emotionally.

MummyD2020:
Who cares? By then you will have ur own family. She will detest them more becos she will hear u did ur best for her. See oh. U better focus on ur self and potential family.

Alright, I hope she will, if I am already rich, I will take care of her without caring about anybody.

kendological:
Everything you said is on point, thanks.
You sound like my elder sister, she has always told Nancy that she will know my value the day I wash my hands totally away from her, which I have already done, I feel pain within me when that girl(my niece) rejoices in my presence, because I know when she grows up, her mother, possibly her grand mother will turn her against me.

Don't worry about them pitching your niece up against you in future or poisoning her mind about you, do not worry about that at all.. For the now, they can't and they'll get pissed most esp your sister.. They'll fail, no matter how hard they tried, why? You see, little children are just like an open book, so adorable with their precious heart & incorruptible mind

You'll be surprised at how they read different human expressions, genuine & fake, likewise animals.. Children of her age can tell when someone is trying to ruin/pollute their perception about another, they can smell foul play from miles away lol.. They love attention, as well as people who gives them attention & spends time with them, no matter how little, they appreciate it a whole lot.. When they build such a cordial bond with anybody, it's often very hard to make them think otherwise about that person, infact they'd even go as far as confiding in him/her while asking to know how the hostility came about, those little FBIs haha.. They are quite rational, in their own way..

As a matter of fact, they should actually be worried about how bad of an influence they are to the growing child, they're highly toxic for her.. Just keep being a good uncle, God sees your heart and in the end, that's all that matters.

AishaYesufu:
You sef sabi do like woman

If you feel it is right to care for the child and you have the means to do so, GO AHEAD. Whether she grows up to underappreciate you or not appreciate you at all, IT IS NOT AN ISSUE. You aren't sponsoring her to appreciate you, you are sponsoring her to make her life better in future.

Men have sacrificed for their children without seeing appreciation in return, yet they move on.

But if you feel that training her isn't worth the troubles, it's up to you. Just follow your mind Bros...

You said men have sacrificed for their children, well I am not talking of my child, as for sacrifice I have done my fair share and it not right for me to die from other people's problems.

Thanks guys for your advice.