₦airaland Forum

Imustnottalk:
If you ain't ripe or mature for marriage please don't think of it . Young ladies between the age of 18 -25 that rush into marriage are the ones that get divorce mostly

This.

obembet:
At 23 I got married immediately after my first degree. Had my first kid at 24, got a master's degree in my area of study, yet without a job. My ex was doing well in his business and he carried all the financial responsibilities of our home while I shoulder all the manual work; ranging from cooking, laundry, cleaning, buying groceries, making sure that every bills are paid, school runs, etc. All he does is to provide the money to carry all of those. I'm all- must -be -tidy kind of person so I made sure to maintain that.

I'll make sure I keep the house clean, prepare his favorite meals which I do by following the meal time table cos he loves three different meals for each day. Most times he will come back with a different meal to be prepared for him after I must have made dinner. This must be accompanied with fruits or nuts to crack, extract, slice and serve. As this continued I became perplex and may complain but he never listened or appreciated all my efforts.

As years come by our population increased and I begged him to buy a washing machine. This is a no go area as he believes it makes one lazy. After much begging and no compliance for about two years I stopped washing his main clothes, but washed only his inner wears. I saved some money and got myself one. He was happy I did so and gave me 25% of the amount I bought it. I later learnt that that was a bribe to start washing his clothes again. All my married life I never had a full house help. His relatives will come, stay for some time and leave. Even while they're still around I prefer to do some things myself for some reasons.

Now this is my round the clock non paid job from from year to year. I'll wake up by 4:00 am to prepare children's snacks or meal for school, wake everyone up by 5:00 am for morning prayers, bath the children and at the same time have clothes rolling in the machine while breakfast sits on fire simultaneously. By 7:15 am I'm with the children on the road to school. Keeps them at school and gets back home to continue the outstanding works. I may come back to meet ex still sleeping or brushing his teeth. I will serve breakfast, help him choose his day wear and most times look for one document or car keys.

I tried to get a teaching job which can help me continue my “rat race” at home. None of them lasted for more than four months, reasons I couldn't figure out till today cos I believe I'm very good at that.

By the time I could say “ehee, time to rest” it's already 3 to 4 pm, time to get the children back from school. Preparing dinner, helping in homework, correcting complains from teachers if there's any, bathing and feeding them. Sometimes I still find time to play and tell stories with the kids. I buy everybody's wears including ex's, especially during festive periods. I guess that's the only time I have to get new things for myself. It never bothered me cos I'm happy putting smiles in the faces of people around me. I'm always preparing home-made groceries cos I'm good at most of them.

I could remember vividly a friend advising me on improving in my outward appearance which I gave little attention to.

By the time I'll retire to bed, it's already 11 or 12:00 midnight. And so it continues.

I never received any form of appreciation; either in kind or in cash. And to worsen it all, he became so abusive; verbally, physically, emotionally and would complain and blame me in every misfortune of his life. Life was so terrible living with him. Yet, I did not complain until he pushed me out and finally left.

Most times we focus all our energy into building our homes, that is wonderful, thereby neglecting ourselves which should come first, it's not being selfish. I celebrate every member of my family every year but I was never celebrated for the thirteen years we lived together. After reading a book, “what kids need most in a mom” by a retired white nurse; Patricia Standforth, I started changing my status but things have started going sour in my marriage and I was kicked out by hubby. He got a nullification note from the church, refused me access to the children, etc. Though I'm working towards getting a civil divorce from the court.

It's been two years now and alot of people could not believe it when they meet me, as a mother of five who's so young looking, energetic and sophisticated. I've got a lot of space and time to travel, learn new things, meet new friends and recently working towards getting an MBA.

And more importantly, I wouldn't want to be seen where I was left.

Edited : Obembet

You never told us the why you were kicked out,we will balance the story when we hear from the other side,till then,no comment.

Maybe a man who grew up in a family where every member of the family takes part in house chores would have a better approach to situations like this, am just saying.

ANDREW91:
He provides the money. He made u a full time house wife. You are an ingrate. He hustle all through the day to make sure u guys are comfortable. He takes abuses from customers from his business or bosses in the office just to make sure you and the kids dont lack anything. Have u in a day appreciated his efforts. Do u know what he goes through to make money? I guess u have never worked so wont know. U are here telling us rubbish. If u wanted a househelp, y didnt u get a job so u can be payin the salary of the househelp. U want him to go to work everyday and get u a househelp y u seat all day forming madam.
Reason i will never marry a full time house wife. Let both of us work, do the house chores and share the bills.

God bless you my brother, God bless you. Some women are inherently lazy sha! You would think that it is because of the Nigerian situation but bring them abroad na same story, they wouldn't want to work even where jobs dey boku! Na so so complain...you don't love me enough, can this marriage still work? Yan-yan-yan-yan-yan...you think say na love I come this life come love?! What about the values we stand for? hardwork, integrity, perseverance? It takes more than love to sustain a marriage you know?

Because after seeing others side of their story outside, they would come to term that is not greener as they taught, by then not easy to rewind the cloth, so common sense will quickly reset

Hathor5:
Well written!

Many wives and mothers have this tendency and should learn to be in tune with their own needs too. They teach their families to take them for granted instead of verbalizing that they have needs too. I don't know why so many women feel that they need to give up on themselves and be superwoman instead of caring about their own feelings like they care about others.

I do not subscribe to this school of thought. Thing is: African women grow up with this notion that when they get married, the responsibility is on them to take care of their homes. And I believe they think they have to do it sacrificially. So, to the married African woman, she is sacrificing herself to ensure her home is in order; reason she puts her personal interests aside.
My observation though!

obembet:
That’s the story of most African Women including my own mom.

That will also be your daughters' story! Enjoy your freedom to fúck more!

Mercychen:
Marriage sometimes can be a bondage and limiting factor to improving ones self because the moment you get in, you lose YOURSELF to family demands and stress from duties at the home front by trying to be there for your husband and the entire family on all levels This, i call slavery and it's what is obtainable in most marriages these days.

Now when youre being selfless for others to be their best, how and when will you have the time to take care of yourself and look good. That is why, the moment they get out of that "cage" they are able to see clearly, realize the extent of neglect on themselves. And with enough time in their hands they are able to tend to themselves hence the transformation.

Very true! I became better after my marriage ended because I realized I had left my dreams behind to satisfy my ex. Funny enough,years after and I look better,earn better and live better than back then and certainly on my way to achieving my dreams.

Farfalla:
@ bolded,
Many African women tend to believe that children are the way to a man's heart.

Have you ever seen how co-wives compete by getting baby after baby with the hope that the man will love them more?

To an enlightened man's heart it can NEVER be. And I detest when women complain of taking care of their OWN child(ren)! The same child that you will brag about with in the future and recieve all the bride price and gifts due to you as tradition lol.

bullabong:
Very true! I became better after my marriage ended because I realized I had left my dreams behind to satisfy my ex. Funny enough,years after and I look better,earn better and live better than back then and certainly on my way to achieving my dreams.

Awwnnn... Such is life.

ANDREW91:
He provides the money. He made u a full time house wife. You are an ingrate. He hustle all through the day to make sure u guys are comfortable. He takes abuses from customers from his business or bosses in the office just to make sure you and the kids dont lack anything. Have u in a day appreciated his efforts. Do u know what he goes through to make money? I guess u have never worked so wont know. U are here telling us rubbish. If u wanted a househelp, y didnt u get a job so u can be payin the salary of the househelp. U want him to go to work everyday and get u a househelp y u seat all day forming madam.
Reason i will never marry a full time house wife. Let both of us work, do the house chores and share the bills.

My brother, are you minding her. To be honest, I don't know what is wrong with females. Their reasoning faculty does not measure up. A vast majority of them are all the same. She must have nagged the man so much. She wants him to be involved in the chores too after making money for the family.

Pride was/is Online in the Marriage

What a story.

I do understand you lady.

But i noticed some problems.

You said you are never appreciated in cash or in kind and i really dont understand.

And you mentioned how you do everything in the house all by your self and the only thing your spouse does is to bring the money.

Look. I personally feel that thats one of the places where the problem is.

At some point you started felling that all you are doing for the peace, joy and love of your own home is too much. You got tired. Started feeling you should be rewarded, you should be appreciated. You should be paid in cash or kind. Thats not bad But;

Did you ever discused or suggested getting a helper or looking for means to ensure your husband assist you with one or two where possible? Or did you just complain to yourself, became bitter and your character and atitude changed towards your husband thereby you started disrespecting him and everything about him starts irritating you? Then you started denying your body to him? These is the main issue in most of the home.

Am sorry but i only see one who was never ready to be a wife.

And i advice, as you are seperated. Use these time to be Single and free again and do those things that makes you happy and live your dream. But never rush into any marriage if you are not fully ready to accept what ever comes your way with smile, patience, tolorance and love . Becuase with those you can get your husband to do anything you want him to do for you.


Let me say these.

Most of these little problems starts in the family among spouses when 1 person or both spouse starts seing family or marriage as a busniess or competition.

Bosch10:
it's a pity that people don't treat good people nicely.

I pray God compensates you with godly man

After 5kids
Shey u are godly Oya go and marry her.
She better go back to her husband and try to find a common ground with him. If she thinks by getting an MBA and start goin to office 8-5pm monday till friday will make her have fulfilment then her regrets never start

Mercychen:
Marriage sometimes can be a bondage and limiting factor to improving ones self because the moment you get in, you lose YOURSELF to family demands and stress from duties at the home front by trying to be there for your husband and the entire family on all levels This, i call slavery and it's what is obtainable in most marriages these days.

Now when youre being selfless for others to be their best, how and when will you have the time to take care of yourself and look good. That is why, the moment they get out of that "cage" they are able to see clearly, realize the extent of neglect on themselves. And with enough time in their hands they are able to tend to themselves hence the transformation.

Valuable points. May God help us...

obembet:
At 23 I got married immediately after my first degree. Had my first kid at 24, got a master's degree in my area of study, yet without a job. My ex was doing well in his business and he carried all the financial responsibilities of our home while I shoulder all the manual work; ranging from cooking, laundry, cleaning, buying groceries, making sure that every bills are paid, school runs, etc. All he does is to provide the money to carry all of those. I'm all- must -be -tidy kind of person so I made sure to maintain that.

I'll make sure I keep the house clean, prepare his favorite meals which I do by following the meal time table cos he loves three different meals for each day. Most times he will come back with a different meal to be prepared for him after I must have made dinner. This must be accompanied with fruits or nuts to crack, extract, slice and serve. As this continued I became perplex and may complain but he never listened or appreciated all my efforts.

As years come by our population increased and I begged him to buy a washing machine. This is a no go area as he believes it makes one lazy. After much begging and no compliance for about two years I stopped washing his main clothes, but washed only his inner wears. I saved some money and got myself one. He was happy I did so and gave me 25% of the amount I bought it. I later learnt that that was a bribe to start washing his clothes again. All my married life I never had a full house help. His relatives will come, stay for some time and leave. Even while they're still around I prefer to do some things myself for some reasons.

Now this is my round the clock non paid job from from year to year. I'll wake up by 4:00 am to prepare children's snacks or meal for school, wake everyone up by 5:00 am for morning prayers, bath the children and at the same time have clothes rolling in the machine while breakfast sits on fire simultaneously. By 7:15 am I'm with the children on the road to school. Keeps them at school and gets back home to continue the outstanding works. I may come back to meet ex still sleeping or brushing his teeth. I will serve breakfast, help him choose his day wear and most times look for one document or car keys.

I tried to get a teaching job which can help me continue my “rat race” at home. None of them lasted for more than four months, reasons I couldn't figure out till today cos I believe I'm very good at that.

By the time I could say “ehee, time to rest” it's already 3 to 4 pm, time to get the children back from school. Preparing dinner, helping in homework, correcting complains from teachers if there's any, bathing and feeding them. Sometimes I still find time to play and tell stories with the kids. I buy everybody's wears including ex's, especially during festive periods. I guess that's the only time I have to get new things for myself. It never bothered me cos I'm happy putting smiles in the faces of people around me. I'm always preparing home-made groceries cos I'm good at most of them.

I could remember vividly a friend advising me on improving in my outward appearance which I gave little attention to.

By the time I'll retire to bed, it's already 11 or 12:00 midnight. And so it continues.

I never received any form of appreciation; either in kind or in cash. And to worsen it all, he became so abusive; verbally, physically, emotionally and would complain and blame me in every misfortune of his life. Life was so terrible living with him. Yet, I did not complain until he pushed me out and finally left.

Most times we focus all our energy into building our homes, that is wonderful, thereby neglecting ourselves which should come first, it's not being selfish. I celebrate every member of my family every year but I was never celebrated for the thirteen years we lived together. After reading a book, “what kids need most in a mom” by a retired white nurse; Patricia Standforth, I started changing my status but things have started going sour in my marriage and I was kicked out by hubby. He got a nullification note from the church, refused me access to the children, etc. Though I'm working towards getting a civil divorce from the court.

It's been two years now and alot of people could not believe it when they meet me, as a mother of five who's so young looking, energetic and sophisticated. I've got a lot of space and time to travel, learn new things, meet new friends and recently working towards getting an MBA.

And more importantly, I wouldn't want to be seen where I was left.

Edited : Obembet

Every house chore you complained about can be done my a maid. Infact it is cheaper having a maid than a wife in modern times as the maid are more loyal than wife, don't complain while doing their job and don't bring their extended family problem to the husband.

Thesame women that complain about doing house chores will abuse the maid doing all the jobs at home from morning to night no matter how hard working they are.

Going out to make money is much more difficult than doing domestic chores hence the reason why maid don't cost more than 20-30K per month in Nigeria.

Also your University degrees are useless if they don't help you make good money.

juniorstar:
I av questions for this lady even though I know its copy and paste
1) dont you av family members who watch out for you..who talk sense into your head where you are about going astray
2) are you pitying your parents at all why waste their money if you dont want to be an employee you can be an employer..even freelance jobs now exists
3) why did you loose yourself?, you stopped taking care of yourself.. you need to look good to keep attractive.

Your number one question. They sometimes do but
They tend to avoid such advices because it doesn't kowtow with their own insatiable desires.

Sumarily, you are an Ashawo like others. You don't know the challanges men face to get money. All women know is to open cúnt to solve their problems. If I may ask, is 'taking care of yourself' more important than taking care of your family? Anyway, after them don't nyash you well you go regret more because you never start.

5kids kilode both of you like tembeh ooo…

Klass99:
This story reminds me of what Megareal (a nairaland user) said about marriage, on a different thread the 14th day of April 2021. I will never forget what she said because I thought it was profound, the full text is below.



See more of what she said below........

Let me correct wrong impression that someone wrote, that you too imbibed, hook line and sinker.

You see, RESPONSIBILITIES and not necessarily marriage, seem to limit one freedom. ( you guys see them as cage thou) If you are boss, if you are church or mosque leader, king, husband or wife etc .

The biggest problem that confronts you guys is transformation from teenagers to adulthood, the luxury of freedom one has, as teenager, you cannot enjoy it as adult,( married or single), and it limits it more if you are married, provided you want to be a responsible father or mother.

Another problem is that when you guys failed to marry an "understandable" partners, and not every man as you and ur motivator assumed.

Best comment...

Vision101:
The op's write up and most comments mainly align to the position of a woman. This also happens to men. Some men spend all their lives and energy thinking and providing for their families.

He leaves so early and returns very late. Children are in good schools, madam looks gorgeous. The home is comfortable but he hardly stays at home. The guy man hardly upgrade his dress except that detected by his work rules.

His life is pressure and stress. The spouse might still be nagging. Is this the reason why there are more widows than widowers?

yusluvad:
Valuable points. May God help us...

Amen. Hmm....

Its because of their lesson and experience

My candid advise is as this
If anyone is telling you, you will find love of your life after 5 children is a great deceive
The issue is from beginning within both of you, how could you stop washing his cloth because he didn't buy you washing machine when you know he has the money, (2) in your statement I can see that attained to master give you ego that you want him to respect, you can't used education to disturb your marriage, claiming equal rights with your husband is a great taboo (3) you should think what will be the faith of those children ( the agony you want to put them through)
We have not heard from your husband, but this is my view on your post

Klass99:
Okay!

At least we don't go running in the other direction looking for firmer bodies and stronger dicks. We stick with you, balding head and all, because we don't even feel comfortable in our new skin and bodies to go searching.

Having 4 or 5 kids is not just about the trends in post pregnancy weight loss and body firming, for me. It is about the overall physical health of a woman, about preventing or reducing chances of high risk pregnancies, that may come with complications or even death in extreme cases.

My friend had 2 kids (a boy and a girl) she started worrying hubby for a 3rd child. He resisted until he couldn't and she took in, the pregnancy was a high risk and life threatening one.

Fortunately, mother and child survived but the only reason she kept pressuring hubby was because their family friends Ted & Lucy, had another baby (their fourth) and she thought they should try for a 3rd child as well, because, them Lucy had one more. Whenever she visited Lucy, holding the baby made her yearn for her baby of her own.

Are you seeing reasoning? Because, Lucy had one more, me too I want. Is it a competition? I told her the next time you feel that way, get a job at a baby creche or become a nanny.

If, we had lost her nko? Or the baby came with a disability or deformity nko? When I talk I am thinking beyond post pregnancy weight loss and body forming, because I lost a relative through child birth (her first pregnancy) and she was just 29.

The more, the greater the chances of a high risk pregnancy.

You keep talking about your friends. You're not married yet have a lot of opinion on marriage.

My mother has 5 children. four boys and a girl yet she is still better looking than women decades younger than her. so what do you say regarding that. If a woman takes pride in how she looks. she will devise a strategy to ensure what she needs as a woman does not go unmet. Boarding a flight is of higher risk than getting pregnant but I believe that will not prevent you from jetting off to Dubai when you get the chance so I do not understand your point about holding off pregnancy because of the risk. You have clearly never been pregnant.

and if your desire for a firm body is so you can cheat when your man goes astray then it's better you stay unmarried. We do not need more toxic relationships.

The man is tirelessly struggling to provide all the basics for the family, you are here telling us that you wanted to rest from taking care of the inner house chores. That is why some people said women don't know what they actually want in life, they are just confused. If he can't provide, a problem, if he keeps on trying, unappreciated. As you are free now, one dude will get a fairly use side chick to visit and catch free fun. Because at your age with 5 kids recorded, your system is been used-up, you must give out the punna free and fend for yourself. You still have a lot to learn.

Hathor5:
Well written!

Many wives and mothers have this tendency and should learn to be in tune with their own needs too. They teach their families to take them for granted instead of verbalizing that they have needs too. I don't know why so many women feel that they need to give up on themselves and be superwoman instead of caring about their own feelings like they care about others.

Marriage is not a bondage how many divorce is happ when they divorce or living single mother life?

Hathor5:
Did I get it wrong or you? I thought the husband kicked her out.

Welcome to the life of a Nigerian woman. . . Even when she’s not wrong, she’s still to blame!

Marriage is for the strong. It requires a lot of sacrifice,but it is better when you go into it with someone who's considerate.

Sorry for what you went through. Alas, you now have enough time to invest in yourself. Good luck with your plans.

obembet:
At 23 I got married immediately after my first degree. Had my first kid at 24, got a master's degree in my area of study, yet without a job. My ex was doing well in his business and he carried all the financial responsibilities of our home while I shoulder all the manual work; ranging from cooking, laundry, cleaning, buying groceries, making sure that every bills are paid, school runs, etc. All he does is to provide the money to carry all of those. I'm all- must -be -tidy kind of person so I made sure to maintain that.

I'll make sure I keep the house clean, prepare his favorite meals which I do by following the meal time table cos he loves three different meals for each day. Most times he will come back with a different meal to be prepared for him after I must have made dinner. This must be accompanied with fruits or nuts to crack, extract, slice and serve. As this continued I became perplex and may complain but he never listened or appreciated all my efforts.

As years come by our population increased and I begged him to buy a washing machine. This is a no go area as he believes it makes one lazy. After much begging and no compliance for about two years I stopped washing his main clothes, but washed only his inner wears. I saved some money and got myself one. He was happy I did so and gave me 25% of the amount I bought it. I later learnt that that was a bribe to start washing his clothes again. All my married life I never had a full house help. His relatives will come, stay for some time and leave. Even while they're still around I prefer to do some things myself for some reasons.

Now this is my round the clock non paid job from from year to year. I'll wake up by 4:00 am to prepare children's snacks or meal for school, wake everyone up by 5:00 am for morning prayers, bath the children and at the same time have clothes rolling in the machine while breakfast sits on fire simultaneously. By 7:15 am I'm with the children on the road to school. Keeps them at school and gets back home to continue the outstanding works. I may come back to meet ex still sleeping or brushing his teeth. I will serve breakfast, help him choose his day wear and most times look for one document or car keys.

I tried to get a teaching job which can help me continue my “rat race” at home. None of them lasted for more than four months, reasons I couldn't figure out till today cos I believe I'm very good at that.

By the time I could say “ehee, time to rest” it's already 3 to 4 pm, time to get the children back from school. Preparing dinner, helping in homework, correcting complains from teachers if there's any, bathing and feeding them. Sometimes I still find time to play and tell stories with the kids. I buy everybody's wears including ex's, especially during festive periods. I guess that's the only time I have to get new things for myself. It never bothered me cos I'm happy putting smiles in the faces of people around me. I'm always preparing home-made groceries cos I'm good at most of them.

I could remember vividly a friend advising me on improving in my outward appearance which I gave little attention to.

By the time I'll retire to bed, it's already 11 or 12:00 midnight. And so it continues.

I never received any form of appreciation; either in kind or in cash. And to worsen it all, he became so abusive; verbally, physically, emotionally and would complain and blame me in every misfortune of his life. Life was so terrible living with him. Yet, I did not complain until he pushed me out and finally left.

Most times we focus all our energy into building our homes, that is wonderful, thereby neglecting ourselves which should come first, it's not being selfish. I celebrate every member of my family every year but I was never celebrated for the thirteen years we lived together. After reading a book, “what kids need most in a mom” by a retired white nurse; Patricia Standforth, I started changing my status but things have started going sour in my marriage and I was kicked out by hubby. He got a nullification note from the church, refused me access to the children, etc. Though I'm working towards getting a civil divorce from the court.

It's been two years now and alot of people could not believe it when they meet me, as a mother of five who's so young looking, energetic and sophisticated. I've got a lot of space and time to travel, learn new things, meet new friends and recently working towards getting an MBA.

And more importantly, I wouldn't want to be seen where I was left.

Edited : Obembet

Thank God you left the ingrate. Like you said, get a lawyer and get your kids. He will even pay damages for not allowing you see your children.

Madam, get yourself ready to move all your children outside Nigeria. This should be your focus. Run away with them, and take care of them. His brain will reset. And if it doesnt reset, leave him alone.

The society is what turned men to be lords over women in Nigeria. I am happy many females are waking up.

holocron:
I put it to you that this is a tissue of lies and fabrication. OP sounds like an ingrate. You are serving/working for your family and instead of appreciating the results of your good works, you are grumbling, complaining and whining. Your husband struggles to do his part in upkeeping the family, you do not appreciate his role but you complain of your own role. You purposely abandoned your family and children for a fake independence and shallow ambitions and now you are regretting. You lost your cherished family for phantom degrees, career and independence. What shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and then lose his soul?

It took me 12 years after our marriage to find a perfect day to appreciate my wife for all efforts at making the best of my kids and making sure our home stands.

Even her friends were shocked to see the amount of love I showered on her during her 40th birthday celebration.

My dad once shared with me “If you have right, if you claim it too much. You’ll eventually lose it.” This is exactly what happened in the case of the OP.

My wife does more than all the OP listed above and she’s happy that she’s fulfilling her duty as a virtuous woman in the home.