GloriousGbola:



The cold truth is that Nigerian men marry Americans first and foremost for papers. Love simply does not come into the equation. The entire family will be aware of this.

Nigerian men are also from a patriarchal society where wives can literally be kicked out of the house

A lot of us can save enough money and then come home and start a business of sorts.

It is more likely the house is for a return to home plan where he will marry a 'proper' wife who everyone is in approval of. The akata can be discarded, even if children are involved.


If the man is from a poor background as you said, his parents would have been perfectly fine with a much cheaper house.

They would also have a much more casual attitude about using you. The more the poverty, the less the empathy

My advise is to lawyer up and also find out just how much your husband was salting away. The house is the only asset you stumbled on. It may be much more than that.

This is beyond a basic trust issue. Most of us in Nigeria know the score. The akata /oyibo is to be used for papers then discarded at the right time. I am suprised about the kids though. Is he a father to them?

This is not true and a fallacy of the highest order. Many Nigerians are married to black Americans or Caribbean’s for love. A lot of them even live in Nigeria. Stop spreading false rumors based on the low rate people you know doing this. I have met many older Nigerians whose mother or father are of the African diaspora. He definitely loved OP, but OP get as she be. She needs to calm down and stop swinging divorce up and down plus overrating herself. She’s from Haiti which is worse than Nigeria in all forms. Let her go and work on her marriage or else, she will become a bitter version of herself.

Many people want to marry for love and kids. They do not take the time to understand a man’s culture which is very important. If he’s from a poor background, then how do you think he got to the US? You think he came to fall in love, get married and forget the people at home? She said he’s poor but his parents have a comfortable home, that does not make sense.

Plus Igbo boys have a responsibility to have a family home or develop their fathers home. Especially the first sons. They have so much responsibility. This OP is of the thought that she married her husband alone and it’s she and him focusing on her alone. She’s a joker. If she was more open minded, the husband will involve her in a lot of things.

She initially said he hid the house, but also said he told her about building it, but her problem is she didn’t know when. I don’t know but OP, still confused about you because, you say you are in so much debt but he’s paying up his responsibilities. Which I am sure includes the debt. I am sure this is his personal savings outside of his responsibilities.

baby124:

This is not true and a fallacy of the highest order. Many Nigerians are married to black Americans or Caribbean’s for love. A lot of them even live in Nigeria. Stop spreading false rumors based on the low rate people you know doing this. I have met many older Nigerians whose mother or father are of the African diaspora. He definitely loved OP, but OP get as she be. She needs to calm down and stop swinging divorce up and down plus overrating herself. She’s from Haiti which is worse than Nigeria in all forms. Let her go and work on her marriage or else, she will become a bitter version of herself.

Many people want to marry for love and kids. They do not take the time to understand a man’s culture which is very important. If he’s from a poor background, then how do you think he got to the US? You think he came to fall in love, get married and forget the people at home? She said he’s poor but his parents have a comfortable home, that does not make sense.

Plus Igbo boys have a responsibility to have a family home or develop their fathers home. Especially the first sons. They have so much responsibility. This OP is of the thought that she married her husband alone and it’s she and him focusing on her alone. She’s a joker. If she was more open minded, the husband will involve her in a lot of things.

She initially said he hid the house, but also said he told her about building it, but her problem is she didn’t know when. I don’t know but OP, still confused about you because, you say you are in so much debt but he’s paying up his responsibilities. Which I am sure includes the debt. I am sure this is his personal savings outside of his responsibilities.

As I have said before no he did not explain that he had so much financially to take care of back home. He never said that. I didn't know until years into the marriage. Like it was so bad I had to turn off my fb messenger archives cos I would even get extended or friend of his family begging.

I am not a clairvoyant but if so much of your income will go to your family its upon you to tell your intending spouse. Yes I am Haitian but I was born here.my father was a doctor, my mom a business owner I don't have his culture I never had to support anyone but if I did he would know that. It's not all about his culture. I suffered with this man and helped him get to where he is. He could have been honest thus when I found out and was upset he even admitted he didn't tell me he needed to do all this and he was sorry.

You can develop your family home but it won't be on my sweat and I won't be lied to about it and be happy. He was literally telling me over the course of that year that yea it woud be atleast anither 5 to 10 years. His family was pressuring him and I shouldn't have to work as I have to support it and my kids should be taken care of first.period. thus we are in the situation we are in. He could have married someone from there. If I was a housewife and not contributing anything he wouldn't have had the extra money and yea maybe less say but I worked and that counts.

I'm a joker? Ok so be it. I worked 2 jobs for 2 years at one point even 3 jobs.. 2 during the day and a rotating at night to support my home. Even first car I helped him buy and cosigned..where is it? In nigeria with his parents. So you telling me i didn't deserve to know and how his igbo responsibility is most important. That is fine that is why i paid my retainer and signed the paperwork to initiate the divorce. You can sit here and really think him doing what igbo men do should supercede all the responsibility at home and the debts am carrying.

lefemmechoclat:


As I have said before no he did not explain that he had so much financially to take care of back home. He never said that. I didn't know until years into the marriage. Like it was so bad I had to turn off my fb messenger archives cos I would even get extended or friend of his family begging.

I am not a clairvoyant but if so much of your income will go to your family its upon you to tell your intending spouse. Yes I am Haitian but I was born here.my father was a doctor, my mom a business owner I don't have his culture I never had to support anyone but if I did he would know that. It's not all about his culture. I suffered with this man and helped him get to where he is. He could have been honest thus when I found out and was upset he even admitted he didn't tell me he needed to do all this and he was sorry.

You can develop your family home but it won't be on my sweat and I won't be lied to about it and be happy. He was literally telling me over the course of that year that yea it woud be atleast anither 5 to 10 years. His family was pressuring him and I shouldn't have to work as I have to support it and my kids should be taken care of first.period. thus we are in the situation we are in. He could have married someone from there. If I was a housewife and not contributing anything he wouldn't have had the extra money and yea maybe less say but I worked and that counts.

Go and make up with your husband and stop coming here to find support that will break your home. You have a provider and a hard worker but here you are ranting and raving. You married him without even bothering to know where he is from and understanding his culture, yet you want to blame him. That is your fault, own it! You don’t marry a stranger and form ignorant when they start doing things relating to their culture. You have a hard time admitting to faults and you are hell bent on blaming him.

Look, he will take care of you and family as he’s doing well and, he will take care of his family at home. It’s our culture, we have responsibilities. Best to advise him to get his dependents something doing, like a skill. Cheaper and he can hands off after that. His parents though, he will have to care fir them till they die, especially as a first son because, he inherits everything in their culture. Your fault for marrying without thinking. Now, you are married, work it out! You think taking care of a special needs child all by yourself is going to be easy abi?

If he cannot afford your demands after divorce, now what? Continue on the path you have slowly designed for yourself. You will come here and relate it. You need to learn the art of thinking, telling yourself the truth and trying to weigh risks and benefits for your own good. All the best. Lawyer is there to make his own money and does not care. At the end of the day, you will realize you played yourself.

GloriousGbola:


I am sorry for your experiences.

All that can be done right now imho is damage assessment and control. You live in the greatest country on earth. You have a viable profession. You will be fine.

And you need to get the word out to your sisters out there.

Because this should no longer be happening. By now yall should know what the game is.

I know now.i asked questions I observed but people still can choose to not tell you everything. Looking back now after citizenship was attained was when things just started coming to light.

We owe the irs 50k because over the course of 2 years he didn't pay or paid too little in taxes. They could have put a lien on our home. But I found out and stopped it. I have been paying 1k a month for that long cos again all the surplus has been going to nigeria.the first car he had is there paid off that I cosigned. That car could have been sold here to help pay the debt but no. It seems this board is so preoccupied with his tradition and culture that no one cares frankly what I have sacrificed. Yes I was owed an explanation but that time has passed and cutting my losses may help me pay down this debt and get my kids where they need to be

baby124:

Go and make up with your husband and stop coming here to find support that will break your home. You have a provider and a hard worker but here you are ranting and raving. You married him without even bothering to know where he is from and understanding his culture, yet you want to blame him. That is your fault, own it! You don’t marry a stranger and form ignorant when they start doing things relating to their culture. You have a hard time admitting to faults and you are hell bent on blaming him.

Look, he will take care of you and family as he’s doing well and, he will take care of his family at home. It’s our culture, we have responsibilities. Best to advise him to get his dependents something doing, like a skill. Cheaper and he can hands off after that. His parents though, he will have to care fir them till they die, especially as a first son because, he inherits everything in their culture. Your fault for marrying without thinking. Now, you are married, work it out! You think taking care of a special needs child all by yourself is going to be easy abi?

If he cannot afford your demands after divorce, now what? Continue on the path you have slowly designed for yourself. You will come here and relate it. You need to learn the art of thinking, telling yourself the truth and trying to weigh risks and benefits for your own good. All the best. Lawyer is there to make his own money and does not care. At the end of the day, you will realize you played yourself.

I can tell you don't live in the states and it shows. You don't know the financial implications of not paying these debts. I knew this man for over 1.5 years before we married. It is his responsibility to tell me what his obligations are and for me to say I agree or don't. I asked questions even he admitted he didn't tell me he had to do this when we married cos he didn't. I am not responsible for that..I am not igbo. I am not a detective and if I had obligations I would have said it.. i don't.

It's funny you don't seem to ever mention how me working 2 jobs for 2 years and before that all the cosigner for car, taking on debts buying him clothes for interviews cos he was interning

None of that matters right? I didn't deserve to know or I should've forced him to make me aware. I understand.

Risk vs benefit I have worked 16 hr days for 2 years. How did it benefit me? Bills henwould have paid or extra money put away for my kids is in nigeria. In America any assets are split. Any homes etc if the home isn't in the USA and I have proof of payment etc yes he wi owe me. Yes it's painful but you know what I have sacrificed so much for this man and he didn't care when I was up til 4am working for 2 years so why should I care how he feels? His parents now have 2 homes and mine is in debt.

lefemmechoclat:


I can tell you don't live in the states and it shows. You don't know the financial implications of not paying these debts. I knew this man for over 1.5 years bef9re we got engaged. Again i am not from there and as a man if he had so much responsibility he should have told me when I asked. You can't force a man to do that. You can't over work me to help you family and me and my kids suffer.a car I helped him get and helped him pay for is in lagos right now. That could have easily been sold to help pay debts.

If it is normal or ok to have a wife working 2 jobs over 2 years so you can send money to build a mansion is fair or permissible in your culture then hey. I give him back my hands are up. I am not working extra anymore so others can benefit for the culture.
I'll get my money back,pay these debts and he can marry a nice igbo girl that I'm sure won't be working 2 jobs to support. I give up.

Good for you then. Goodluck with the divorce. Ensure you update us.

lefemmechoclat:


I can tell you don't live in the states and it shows. You don't know the financial implications of not paying these debts. I knew this man for over 1.5 years before we married. It is his responsibility to tell me what his obligations are and for me to say I agree or don't. I asked questions even he admitted he didn't tell me he had to do this when we married cos he didn't. I am not responsible for that..I am not igbo. I am not a detective and if I had obligations I would have said it.. i don't.

It's funny you don't seem to ever mention how me working 2 jobs for 2 years and before that all the cosigner for car, taking on debts buying him clothes for interviews cos he was interning

None of that matters right? I didn't deserve to know or I should've forced him to make me aware. I understand.

Risk vs benefit I have worked 16 hr days for 2 years. How did it benefit me? Bills henwould have paid or extra money put away for my kids is in nigeria. In America any assets are split. Any homes etc if the home isn't in the USA and I have proof of payment etc yes he wi owe me. Yes it's painful but you know what I have sacrificed so much for this man and he didn't care when I was up til 4am working for 2 years so why should I care how he feels? His parents now have 2 homes and mine is in debt.

You must always keep in mind that Nigeria is a patriarchal society where women are expected to suffer in silence. Worse things have happened to women based in Nigeria, and they are sometimes even gaslighted into guilt

Your husband could get a maid pregnant and you would still be blamed

I deliberately used the word akata which is a derogatory Nigerian slang for African American. For the most part we look down on AAs. You will note someone was already talking smack about you being haitan.

All this will play a part in how your husband and his family actually look at you. Particularly as Nigerians can be very Conservative where marriage is concerned. Even Liberals can start drawing lines at intertribal marriages - so now imagine how they would look at a marriage to a foreigner

GloriousGbola:


You must always keep in mind that Nigeria is a patriarchal society where women are expected to suffer in silence. Worse things have happened to women based in Nigeria, and they are sometimes even gaslighted into guilt

Your husband could get a maid pregnant and you would still be blamed

I get it now. I came here for advice as I am not gonna go to family or friends about it and I see all i have went through and sacrifice doesn't matter it's just tradition culture above being honest my own suffering is my own fault.

lefemmechoclat:


Well apart of that is deception. He did not state he ever wanted to go back or leave to retire there. it was after the marriage he only mentioned building after some years. He carries responsibility to be honest so I can have the option to say no from the beginning
Honestly he should have been more transparent from the beginning I would.have told him to go and marry a Nigerian
I wouldn't ever retire in a 3rd world country and especially with a child with special needs I can't take them there with all the services in the USA. He should keep that mind set what about the child that has higher needs it isn't all about him. It's deceptive to not be forthcoming about these things in the beginning. Ot isn't fair to me or my kids that I work so hard and while he squeezes that amount of money elsewhere. His parents had a comfortable home. I could even see 20 to 30k etc but 60k come on. While I'm working 16 hour days? Come on.

Maybe I should just go ahead with the initiative of divorce as in 20 years I won't be surprised if he says that. I really don't do good with lack of trust cos I am transparent. Marriage can't be just for one person's benefit. I am putting my kids as a priority a country isn't a priority

Please don't Divorce him.
You Americans any little issues is divorce. And to think you have an African Origin. Come on, you guys can work this out.
In every marriage the couple's have issues. Divorce shouldn't be an option. This is a case of miscommunication. The man was at fault. Although I still agree that he building the house is a good thing.
America is a beautiful country with every services available but Christ knows I won't want to retire there if I were to be him.

But now is not a time for divorce. Now Is the time to work n fight for your marriage.
Learn to forgive. Let it go. It been two years already.

I believe divorce should only an option when it involves adultery and physical abuse

baby124:

Good for you then. Goodluck with the divorce. Ensure you update us.

I will it make take some months but definitely will.

ifiokjohn:
Please don't Divorce him.
You Americans any little issues is divorce. And to think you have an African Origin. Come on, you guys can work this out.
In every marriage the couple's have issues. Divorce shouldn't be an option. This is a case of miscommunication. The man was at fault. Although I still agree that he building the house is a good thing.
America is a beautiful country with every services available but Christ knows I won't want to retire there if I were to be him.

But now is not a time for divorce. Now Is the time to work n fight for your marriage.
Learn to forgive. Let it go. It been two years already.

I believe divorce should only an option when it involves adultery and physical abuse

You Americans? Little? Working from 9am to 345a for 2 years with little to show for it while he builds a home without my knowledge isnt little.
Well yes because we don't believe in suffering. Funny you never mentioned how much I have sacrificed for him and worked tirelessly for 2 years cos all that matters is him building a house. Not my kids ,not my own comfort. Not the car I helped him get that someone else is enjoying there or the irs debt he left to accrue interest while he builds a mansion. I worked 16hr days for. None of that matters just a house

lefemmechoclat:


Western mentality of divorce ok but he didn't think of me when I was suffering over 2 years working 16 hr days and cooking and cleaning and managing the home. He didn't care. That broke me. What about mentality of parent wellbeing over your immediate family. My kids didn't even have time with me cos I had so many bills to pay. He broke me. The only thing that mattered was 60k in a home. Did anyone ask or care if my special child has something for his future? Or my kids. Did anyone care about generational wealth building? He did this and I was the last to know but I'm the only one that suffered and helped him get to where he needed to be

It isn't about the west or not. Let's not let culture dismiss being honest. I would never do that to him. It is clear and I know now saving for your kids isn't a priority. He didn't see that growing up. He suffered while his father did the same building for others while they were renting. I take the blame for not knowing until after marriage but the buck stops here. I have been married 10 years, no savings no life insurance no trust for my special need child. No thank God i have put money in my 401k but who said I married to suffer? No.

I understand how you feel, I truely feel your pain I swear . Being betrayed by the most trusted breaks someone I know. I still plead with you to please calm down. I’m sure you know he loves his kids as well and wouldn’t want them to suffer. Sometimes we do things we ain’t proud of but I know it’s still not an excuse. Please talk to him before taking any step. Two wrongs don’t make a right , don’t let his wrong doings break this wonderful family. I know you will say why didn’t he give it a second thought too but please give him a chance to explain himself. I swear I don’t even know why I’m begging on his behalf but a part of me is telling me he did that out of pressure. I want you to know he loves his family and want the best for you guys but please try to understand this our African culture. Some parents at times go to the extent of threatening to curse their child if he or she don’t do as they wish. Talk to him first please , broken home isn’t good for the children please. Just for their sake please talk to him first and see what he have to say.I know how bitter you are right now but don’t let your emotions get the better part of you. Don’t listen to anybody telling you divorce that he is selfish and all sort. So many people wouldn’t have done the same if they were in your shoe.
Note this: when 2 knowledgeable people fights, it is a stupid person that will preside on their matter. The said judge would have done worse if he or she was in the person’s shoe. IT IS A PROVERB IN YORUBA.

ifiokjohn:
Please don't Divorce him.
You Americans any little issues is divorce. And to think you have an African Origin. Come on, you guys can work this out.
In every marriage the couple's have issues. Divorce shouldn't be an option. This is a case of miscommunication. The man was at fault. Although I still agree that he building the house is a good thing.
America is a beautiful country with every services available but Christ knows I won't want to retire there if I were to be him.

But now is not a time for divorce. Now Is the time to work n fight for your marriage.
Learn to forgive. Let it go. It been two years already.

I believe divorce should only an option when it involves adultery and physical abuse

Financial abuse.

lefemmechoclat:


Well apart of that is deception. He did not state he ever wanted to go back or leave to retire there. it was after the marriage he only mentioned building after some years. He carries responsibility to be honest so I can have the option to say no from the beginning
Honestly he should have been more transparent from the beginning I would.have told him to go and marry a Nigerian
I wouldn't ever retire in a 3rd world country and especially with a child with special needs I can't take them there with all the services in the USA. He should keep that mind set what about the child that has higher needs it isn't all about him. It's deceptive to not be forthcoming about these things in the beginning. Ot isn't fair to me or my kids that I work so hard and while he squeezes that amount of money elsewhere. His parents had a comfortable home. I could even see 20 to 30k etc but 60k come on. While I'm working 16 hour days? Come on.

Maybe I should just go ahead with the initiative of divorce as in 20 years I won't be surprised if he says that. I really don't do good with lack of trust cos I am transparent. Marriage can't be just for one person's benefit. I am putting my kids as a priority a country isn't a priority

Please don't Divorce him.
You Americans any little issues is divorce. And to think you have an African Origin. Come on, you guys can work this out.
In every marriage the couple's have issues. Divorce shouldn't be an option. This is a case of miscommunication. The man was at fault. Although I still agree that he building the house is a good thing.
America is a beautiful country with every services available but Christ knows I won't want to retire there if I were to be him.

But now is not a time for divorce. Now Is the time to work n fight for your marriage.
Learn to forgive. Let it go. It been two years already.

I believe divorce should only an option when it involves adultery and physical abuse.


Please aunty, forgive him. Divorcing him will only serve to play a negative role in the life of your children especially the one with the special needs. He need his Father now more than anything. He need you both United for his sake.

And if that were the case he could have married someone else. I was not begging or putting pressure on him to marry me. It is not fair. I have never been in or comfortable in debt. I wasnt raised to suffer so ithers are comfortable. If he had so much responsibilities back home he could have married later or told me beforehand so i would be aware. I am still in the negative based on the debts he made on my credit divorce is the only way. He lied to me while i siffered to take care of things he should have prioritized.

You must always keep in mind that Nigeria is a patriarchal society where women are expected to suffer in silence. Worse things have happened to women based in Nigeria, and they are sometimes even gaslighted into guilt

Your husband could get a maid pregnant and you would still be blamed

I deliberately used the word akata which is a derogatory Nigerian slang for African American. For the most part we look down on AAs. You will note someone was already talking smack about you being haitan.

All this will play a part in how your husband and his family actually look at you. Particularly as Nigerians can be very Conservative where marriage is concerned. Even Liberals can start drawing lines at intertribal marriages - so now imagine how they would look at a marriage to a foreigner[/quote]

lefemmechoclat:

I get it now. I came here for advice as I am not gonna go to family or friends about it and I see all i have went through and sacrifice doesn't matter it's just tradition culture above being honest my own suffering is my own fault.

Don’t heed to some advice here , i know what I am saying. What she wrote might be the general mentality but not what is playing out in the real sense. Most people in Africa judge based on movies they watch( especially Yoruba film) real life scenario ain’t always the same and trust me those who did what she put up there might have justification that is reasonable.
I’m not being selfish trust me . Have you ever seen an African woman who has once talk about how a particular husband is suffering in silence of whatever he is going through in his house ? Most always play the victim role. There is a common slang here on nairaland that guys do say that they will rather remain single than marry an African woman. Do you know why they are been particular about the said African woman? Please try to talk your husband first. Divorce isn’t the answer. Will you find solace in doing that ? Will that undo what has happened ? Will it change the past ? You should rather be concerned about the future please , talk to him first I beg of you.

GloriousGbola:


You must always keep in mind that Nigeria is a patriarchal society where women are expected to suffer in silence. Worse things have happened to women based in Nigeria, and they are sometimes even gaslighted into guilt

Your husband could get a maid pregnant and you would still be blamed

I deliberately used the word akata which is a derogatory Nigerian slang for African American. For the most part we look down on AAs. You will note someone was already talking smack about you being haitan.

All this will play a part in how your husband and his family actually look at you. Particularly as Nigerians can be very Conservative where marriage is concerned. Even Liberals can start drawing lines at intertribal marriages - so now imagine how they would look at a marriage to a foreigner

What will you gain if they divorce ?
Oh! You’ve never lied to someone before ?
You are a saint right ?
Your marriage is perfect right ?
Divorce is the only solution to marriage problems right ?
You will be happy if the husband happens to be your brother right ?
Instead of trying to calm her down and encourage her to have a conversation first before any action, you feel divorce is the solution right ?

abimbola74:

I understand how you feel, I truely feel your pain I swear . Being betrayed by the most trusted breaks someone I know. I still plead with you to please calm down. I’m sure you know he loves his kids as well and wouldn’t want them to suffer. Sometimes we do things we ain’t proud of but I know it’s still not an excuse. Please talk to him before taking any step. Two wrongs don’t make a right , don’t let his wrong doings break this wonderful family. I know you will say why didn’t he give it a second thought too but please give him a chance to explain himself. I swear I don’t even know why I’m begging on his behalf but a part of me is telling me he did that out of pressure. I want you to know he loves his family and want the best for you guys but please try to understand this our African culture. Some parents at times go to the extent of threatening to curse their child if he or she don’t do as they wish. Talk to him first please , broken home isn’t good for the children please. Just for their sake please talk to him first and see what he have to say.I know how bitter you are right now but don’t let your emotions get the better part of you. Don’t listen to anybody telling you divorce that he is selfish and all sort. So many people wouldn’t have done the same if they were in your shoe.
Note this: when 2 knowledgeable people fights, it is a stupid person that will preside on their matter. The said judge would have done worse if he or she was in the person’s shoe. IT IS A PROVERB IN YORUBA.

Yes I am bitter. Cos his family don't see or care how much or even ask how much debt we have, the costs of caring for a special child or the long term financial planning. No one cares. It is not so much the money it's the fact that he saw me suffering working all those hours just to be able to cover minimums and yet he is building a home and telling me it's a perfect for the future. Why would he think it's ok for me to suffer to help him? Build? Like his parents have a 3 room one floor home maybe 2500 or so Sq ft. Plus a monthly allowance. There were times I was so tired I almost passed out cos I would be working these 2 jobs on the weekend and my kids would ve asking for lunch.

What about my own suffering.house house house. Still I am saddled with this debt and it's not a priority just house. Like I wasn't and didn't marry him to be a step stone to resolve things. If your parents are a priority and they aren't suffering he should return to them and we part ways. As a single woman I never suffer like this.i wasn't raised this way.

How can i focus on the future when i have a busband that isnt honest? I gave this man 10 years of my life..financially i have suffered to keep my home afloat so creditors dont ruin me. Did he care about that? No. That is what breaks me. If a house was so important it could have waited until we had some savings and things that were put in my name where paid off. I should suffer or be a stepping stone for his family to thrive? What if that was your daughter? If i told my parents they would be so hurt for me. They didnt even like that i work 2 jobs with kids and i told them be is abuilding a home. They havent connected the dots but they wouldnr support me working 2 jobs so he can fulfill a familial obligation.
author=abimbola74 post=111393582]
Don’t heed to some advice here , i know what I am saying. What she wrote might be the general mentality but not what is playing out in the real sense. Most people in Africa judge based on movies they watch( especially Yoruba film) real life scenario ain’t always the same and trust me those who did what she put up there might have justification that is reasonable.
I’m not being selfish trust me . Have you ever seen an African woman who has once talk about how a particular husband is suffering in silence of whatever he is going through in his house ? Most always play the victim role. There is a common slang here on nairaland that guys do say that they will rather remain single than marry an African woman. Do you know why they are been particular about the said African woman? Please try to talk your husband first. Divorce isn’t the answer. Will you find solace in doing that ? Will that undo what has happened ? Will it change the past ? You should rather be concerned about the future please , talk to him first I beg of you.[/quote]

lefemmechoclat:


Yes I am bitter. Cos his family don't see or care how much or even ask how much debt we have, the costs of caring for a special child or the long term financial planning. No one cares. It is not so much the money it's the fact that he saw me suffering working all those hours just to be able to cover minimums and yet he is building a home and telling me it's a perfect for the future. Why would he think it's ok for me to suffer to help him? Build? Like his parents have a 3 room one floor home maybe 2500 or so Sq ft. Plus a monthly allowance. There were times I was so tired I almost passed out cos I would be working these 2 jobs on the weekend and my kids would ve asking for lunch.

What about my own suffering.house house house. Still I am saddled with this debt and it's not a priority just house. Like I wasn't and didn't marry him to be a step stone to resolve things. If your parents are a priority and they aren't suffering he should return to them and we part ways. As a single woman I never suffer like this.i wasn't raised this way.

I understand your plight I swear , what he did was wrong and he would have felt the same if you had being the one who did that, I know .
Please just calm down first , please I beg of you.
I know you will be better of alone but please the kids won’t be happy seeing their parents part ways cos of what could have been resolved. Conversation will solve this and trust me he will always do anything to make you happy. He loves and you know that. Don’t break that man please , he did wrong but don’t punish him severely I beg of you. Talk to him first please . Don’t make him pay this great price because he just want to make his parent happy please. When all this is resolved , I will explain how our African parents behave I swear. Please for God sake , talk to him first . I know you are pained and you don’t deserve such but please talk to him.
Take him as your son that has wronged you . I’m sure you won’t disown your son if he wrongs you, you will rather talk some senses into him. Your husband is your son as you are his daughter also. ( African believe ). Please

lefemmechoclat:
How can i focus on the future when i have a busband that isnt honest? I gave this man 10 years of my life..financially i have suffered to keep my home afloat so creditors dont ruin me. Did he care about that? No. That is what breaks me. If a house was so important it could have waited until we had some savings and things that were put in my name where paid off. I should suffer or be a stepping stone for his family to thrive? What if that was your daughter? If i told my parents they would be so hurt for me. They didnt even like that i work 2 jobs with kids and i told them be is abuilding a home. They havent connected the dots but they wouldnr support me working 2 jobs so he can fulfill a familial obligation.
author=abimbola74 post=111393582]
Don’t heed to some advice here , i know what I am saying. What she wrote might be the general mentality but not what is playing out in the real sense. Most people in Africa judge based on movies they watch( especially Yoruba film) real life scenario ain’t always the same and trust me those who did what she put up there might have justification that is reasonable.
I’m not being selfish trust me . Have you ever seen an African woman who has once talk about how a particular husband is suffering in silence of whatever he is going through in his house ? Most always play the victim role. There is a common slang here on nairaland that guys do say that they will rather remain single than marry an African woman. Do you know why they are been particular about the said African woman? Please try to talk your husband first. Divorce isn’t the answer. Will you find solace in doing that ? Will that undo what has happened ? Will it change the past ? You should rather be concerned about the future please , talk to him first I beg of you.

I know you are still pissed , please try having a conversation with him. Divorce isn’t the solution please

Abimbola. I get it i used to think like this but as time has passed and there is no urgency ot get my out of this financial rute i am just broken. If you out your parents in a higher pedestal than your life then i cant convince otherwise. I am not to he a sacrificial lamb so his parents can have their desires met or aome tradition is carried out. Im second gen haitian we have the same issues but you know what my parents would never allow me to help them and my husband suffers for it. Never. Like if i told my father what am going through if I involved family he wouldn't be seen in a good way and they love him. They already don't like that I work so much I told them its for saving but it isnt.iy was to keep my home to keep my kid in therapy.
I feel used. Like literally a car I helped pay and cosigned for is in nigeria right now enjoyed when it could have been sold to pay debts. His parents already have a solid car.
quote author=abimbola74 post=111393942]
I understand your plight I swear , what he did was wrong and he would have felt the same if you had being the one who did that, I know .
Please just calm down first , please I beg of you.
I know you will be better of alone but please the kids won’t be happy seeing their parents part ways cos of what could have been resolved. Conversation will solve this and trust me he will always do anything to make you happy. He loves and you know that. Don’t break that man please , he did wrong but don’t punish him severely I beg of you. Talk to him first please . Don’t make him pay this great price because he just want to make his parent happy please. When all this is resolved , I will explain how our African parents behave I swear. Please for God sake , talk to him first . I know you are pained and you don’t deserve such but please talk to him.
Take him as your son that has wronged you . I’m sure you won’t disown your son if he wrongs you, you will rather talk some senses into him. Your husband is your son as you are his daughter also. ( African believe ). Please [/quote]

lefemmechoclat:

You Americans? Little? Working from 9am to 345a for 2 years with little to show for it while he builds a home without my knowledge isnt little.
Well yes because we don't believe in suffering. Funny you never mentioned how much I have sacrificed for him and worked tirelessly for 2 years cos all that matters is him building a house. Not my kids ,not my own comfort. Not the car I helped him get that someone else is enjoying there or the irs debt he left to accrue interest while he builds a mansion. I worked 16hr days for. None of that matters just a house

that house isn't just for only him. Your kids and yourself have a right to it.

I kind of wish he invested more in a real estate. The Nigeria real estate industry is Rich. He could have gotten a land and built units of 1-3 bedrooms like 10-15... Since he is an Igbo man, house in the east is costly. . 400k can go for each unit when you times say 10 units by 400k per year that's really cool money. With that he can improve improve.

Nigeria might be hostile but a real estate in Nigeria is like ritual money.
This money could help you guys save moree and even him to build that house for his parents. Nevertheless, the house is not a bad investment.
Just not telling you is the problem and that's what I blame him for.

But pls take it from me, Divorcing him will impact negativily on your kids.
Can you pulse with the divorce and work on ur marriage at least for the an extra 2 years before finally taking a decision?, While on that, do free up your heart and forgive him ok?

GloriousGbola:


You must always keep in mind that Nigeria is a patriarchal society where women are expected to suffer in silence. Worse things have happened to women based in Nigeria, and they are sometimes even gaslighted into guilt

Your husband could get a maid pregnant and you would still be blamed

I deliberately used the word akata which is a derogatory Nigerian slang for African American. For the most part we look down on AAs. You will note someone was already talking smack about you being haitan.

All this will play a part in how your husband and his family actually look at you. Particularly as Nigerians can be very Conservative where marriage is concerned. Even Liberals can start drawing lines at intertribal marriages - so now imagine how they would look at a marriage to a foreigner

Akata was never a derogatory term, though many African Americans now believe it is, so it's best not to use it anymore
People have put all sorts online about what akata means but non is correct. Most of those who have written about the word akata are not even a part of the culture where the word emanated from.
Some have said it means wild cat, some have said it means cotton picker but that's not true either.
Just as Oyibo was coined for whites, Akata was coined for African Americans or Nigerians who have lived so long abroad and become so americanised that they don't know anything about their original culture anymore and now speak different slangs wanna, gonna etc.

abimbola74:

What will you gain if they divorce ?
Oh! You’ve never lied to someone before ?
You are a saint right ?
Your marriage is perfect right ?
Divorce is the only solution to marriage problems right ?
You will be happy if the husband happens to be your brother right ?
Instead of trying to calm her down and encourage her to have a conversation first before any action, you feel divorce is the solution right ?

The classic Nigerian defence. Divorce is evil and it is better to suck it up. There are women who have been killed by psycho husbands all because society told them a virtuous woman must put up with all sorts of bs.

Also, Neither I nor my brother will be such exploitative arse holes. We were not raised that way, even if you were.

Real estate is not booming there like it is here and you auto lose money as the naira is worth so much less. That is by the way though. You dont invest in debt and why would i give money into something and i have debrlt and my kids need savings? Doesnt make sense. You pay down things first. You he honest first! Also, i would not invest in anything if both are names are not on it its not my country and if something happens that estate his family would just take over . I dont trust it. Seen too many women who their husband died ajd the family takes everything. He should invest when it doesn't mean his wife is working to support it and kids don't have.

ifiokjohn:
that house isn't just for only him. Your kids and yourself have a right to it.

I kind of wish he invested more in a real estate. The Nigeria real estate industry is Rich. He could have gotten a land and built units of 1-3 bedrooms like 10-15... Since he is an Igbo man, house in the east is costly. . 400k can go for each unit when you times say 10 units by 400k per year that's really cool money. With that he can improve improve.

Nigeria might be hostile but a real estate in Nigeria is like ritual money.
This money could help you guys save moree and even him to build that house for his parents. Nevertheless, the house is not a bad investment.
Just not telling you is the problem and that's what I blame him for.

But pls take it from me, Divorcing him will impact negativily on your kids.
Can you pulse with the divorce and work on ur marriage at least for the an extra 2 years before finally taking a decision?, While on that, do free up your heart and forgive him ok?

eyinjuege:


Akata was never a derogatory term, though many African Americans now believe it is, so it's best not to use it anymore
People have put all sorts online about what akata means but non is correct. Most of those who have written about the word akata are not even a part of the culture where the word emanated from.
Some have said it means wild cat, some have said it means cotton picker but that's not true either.
Just as Oyibo was coined for whites, Akata was coined for African Americans or Nigerians who have lived so long abroad and become so americanised that they don't know anything about their original culture anymore and now speak different slangs wanna, gonna etc.

Akata, oyibo, kora, gaijin, kobokobo, af-onja, abo-ki, ofe-mamu - they are all derogratory slangs. And we all know it.

I have just posted this a few days ago and I viewed similar topics posted by men...and literally even one where the wife build a home without her husband knowledge ..no one really told him to not divorce. I also see posts made by men seeking divorce cos of simple issues and men and women are approving of him divorcing and putting her out. So why is my situation different. I don't know I just know I need vindication for all I have done and ve deceived like that

lefemmechoclat:
Real estate is not booming there like it is here and you auto lose money as the naira is worth so much less. That is by the way though. You dont invest in debt and why would i give money into something and i have debrlt and my kids need savings? Doesnt make sense. You pay down things first. You he honest first! Also, i would not invest in anything if both are names are not on it its not my country and if something happens that estate his family would just take over . I dont trust it. Seen too many women who their husband died ajd the family takes everything. He should invest when it doesn't mean his wife is working to support it and kids don't have.

maybe you can have him put most of the property in both your name and his.

Yes Real Estates here is not comparable to the US.. nevertheless it'd easier here. For eg with that 60k you can have few units of houses as yours down here in Nigeria but in US ...that's impossible. You have to fight for your marriage Ma'am. I don't know you but I feel if you do, in the long run you be better better for it.
This is the time to make those naysayers eat their words.
He has made a mistake. We all do. Now is the time to forgive and forget and work on ur marriage. Marriage aren't a bed of rose.
Your kids needs him as much as they need you.
So please, give this a second chance.

Nigerians are good people. You guys can take the good or positive from this. Think about investments. Invest in Nigeria especially real estates and you will gain. With 50 million you guys can build as much as 30 units of 1 bedroom flats worth 400k per year each. Then improve on it and on it. This will be another way of saving and making more money for you guys

lefemmechoclat:
I have just posted this a few days ago and I viewed similar topics posted by men...and literally even one where the wife build a home without her husband knowledge ..no one really told him to not divorce. I also see posts made by men seeking divorce cos of simple issues and men and women are approving of him divorcing and putting her out. So why is my situation different. I don't know I just know I need vindication for all I have done and ve deceived like that

The key word is patriarchal society.

And also hypocrisy.

Your husband did not have an emergency back home. He did not have siblings he was putting through school. All he had was a vanity project.

He did not provide any kind of support when you were working 16 hour days.

He is distant to his special needs child

He is still living it up right now while YOU are racking up debt.

In the end, it is up to you.

If you think the marriage is salvageable,if you think your husband actually loves you and is not merely using you for as long as he can.. Only you can tell.

I think the whole story has been thrashed out.

Yes you are correct and it has been thrashed out. I habe already paid the retainer i dont know where i am going with this i nust know im tired. I have a 2 month old and just thinking of all the money that could have been saved so i wouldnt have to rush back to work in another 4 weeks. I never really thought of patriarchy but yes you are right. None of my suffering has matter but his own need and culture and i cant be with a dishonest person.
I would feel secure. quote author=GloriousGbola post=111394933]

The key word is patriarchal society.

And also hypocrisy.

Your husband did not have an emergency back home. He did not have siblings he was putting through school. All he had was a vanity project.

He did not provide any kind of support when you were working 16 hour days.

He is distant to his special needs child

He is still living it up right now while YOU are racking up debt.

In the end, it is up to you.

If you think the marriage is salvageable,if you think your husband actually loves you and is not merely using you for as long as he can.. Only you can tell.

I think the whole story has been thrashed out.


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