₦airaland Forum

sisisioge:


Your dude must be a yoruba guy! Once they see a woman capable of handling things, they let you do it. Hian! Didnt you know that "sense of responsibility" is a thing that must be checked in a guy before marrying him? Why in the world would you marry a guy comfortable with you wearing the trousers? Those guys that would not buy stuff for you while dating, pick some of your bills or simply give you money to sort things turn out to be terrible husbands when it comes to holding the material angle of the home. Money is important! Whew! It will only get worse o and by the time the kids are grown,you would have out grown your youthful years embittered with a terrible husband. Poor you.

Life is tough though, you choose your battles. It is well.

I 100% agree with you.

Girls think they're scoring high with a guy when he gives them nothing and she doesn't ask or complain.

They don't know they're setting up themselves for future burdens if they do get married.


Most responsible men simply take care of their women.

They demonstrate love and a a sense of responsibility by providing and protecting.

When I see a man who doesn't do that, I abort mission mentally.

PrimadonnaO:
I 100% agree with you.

Girls think they're scoring high with a gut when he gives them nothing and she doesn't ask or complain.

They don't know they're setting up themselves for future burdens if they do get married.

Pardon me, must it always be the guy that give when it comes to dating/relationship?

What does the girl offer or bring to the relationship?

ShaqFu:
What does the girl offer or bring to the relationship?

Please stop repeating that foolish question abeg!

ShaqFu:
Pardon me, must it always be the guy that give when it comes to dating/relationship?

What does the girl offer or bring to the relationship?

I'll NEVER answer this question on what a woman brings to the relationship.

If the man she's with doesn't see it, he should move along.

********
And where was it implied that it must be ONLY the man who gives in the relationship?

I'm assuming that's what your first question is about.

ShaqFu:
What does the girl offer or bring to the relationship?

Do you know what it means for a girl to give up her family, identity and comfort zone, to go start a family (take chances) with a man?
Do you think it’s a small sacrifice? A whole self?

Kobojunkie:
Please stop repeating that foolish question abeg!

Please what does the girl offer or bring to the relationship?

PrimadonnaO:
I'll NEVER answer this question on what a woman brings to the relationship.

If the man she's with doesn't see it, he should move along.

********
And where was it implied that it must be ONLY the man who gives in the relationship?

I'm assuming that's what your first question is about.

Wanted to ask because from what I read in your post, it sounded as if you implied the man must give his all in a relationship.

Can I ask why you don't want to answer the question?

Mariangeles:
Do you know what it means for a girl to give up her family, identity and comfort zone, to go start a family (take chances) with a man?
Do you think it’s a small sacrifice? A whole self?

Now listen to yourself. You speak as if the girl is the only one to give up her family, comfort zone and the likes.

You also speak as if the girl is the only one sacrificing...

bukatyne:
1. Are you on this earth sir? Even foreign women are writing thesis about this issue.

2. In my experience, the average man's attitude towards chores in his birth home and marital home are different

3. Let's wait till you marry fess. More husbands are open to doing more chores these days sha. Drop your wife's contact when you marry so we can ask her.

4. Hmmmmm. I find that irrespective of the model a couple choose (except they sincerely follow wife provider & husband caregiver model), they default to traditional roles. The wife is concerned with the things a traditional wife is concerned with; ditto the husband. A change might just be joint decision making and anyone picking up some chores they like depending on availability and the wife is still tasked with home management. As a Christian, the headship of the husband is not tied to his financial contributions or chores he does (discussion for another day or not).

5. Ok, why 50-50 for cable though? Why didn't one person pick up the bill (just asking)

6. Ideally true. And I believe the person at home more/ have more time should do more of the chores. However, the OP is different from this and practically, a lot of families do not function this way.

7. Oshe!

1. Lol, have you noticed people never leave reviews when they get good services? It’s only when things go wrong they feel the need to write about it.

2. What of his attitude towards chores in his own house? I started living alone at 17. If I didn’t do chores who would I leave it for?

3. Lol good thing you acknowledge men are willing to take on more domestic duties, I think the argument that it’s a woman’s role to do chores as no place in 2022. It’s offensive just thinking of it.

4. I think couples make their own arrangement, it’s good to know who one is going to be with. I don’t know any woman in my life who believes in the traditional roles in 2022. Not my mum, not my sister and definitely not my gf. I don’t even know what is meant by traditional roles or roles in a relationship. My roles are to be happy and do everything within my power to make my family happy.

5. 50 - 50 because she works and has her own money. We didn’t split the mortgage because her name wasn’t on the house and it’s unfair for someone else to pay for the house I am going to own one day.

Every other bill was split down the middle. Sometimes I take on all the bills as a good gesture, not because it’s my role but because I stumbled on money I wasn’t expecting. These gestures were met with appreciation not ‘well that’s your duty’. Likewise whenever she cooked or cleaned or made a purchase for us, I tell her thank you for all you do, thank you for taking care of me, you are the bestestest. Not well that’s your role.

6. Exactly. Thank you for your understanding lol.

7. Things we do for family eh!

Mariangeles:
Do you know what it means for a girl to give up her family, identity and comfort zone, to go start a family (take chances) with a man?
Do you think it’s a small sacrifice? A whole self?

These are some of the reasons why I keep stressing that marriage is meant as an agreement between a man and a woman, with each couple designing their own union for themselves, not basing it on what others do in their own union.

Kobojunkie:
These are some of the reasons why I keep stressing that marriage is meant as an agreement between a man and a woman, with each couple designing their own union for themselves, not basing it on what others do in their own union.

Kobo, leave me abeg!

ShaqFu:
Now listen to yourself. You speak as if the girl is the only one to give up her family, comfort zone and the likes.

You also speak as if the girl is the only one sacrificing...

Whether you agree or not, the female sacrifices way more.
It is what it is.

RichGal:
But the point seems to be misunderstood. I did not sign up to be a sole financial provider but to have my own earnings and I do not mind supporting my family.

That part is clearly seen from all you say you have done in your marriage for the past 6 years, even with signs pointing you in a different direction.

ShaqFu:
Wanted to ask because from what I read in your post, it sounded as if you implied the man must give his all in a relationship.

Can I ask why you don't want to answer the question?

A man is meant to be the primary provider. He should take the lion's share in his home. His wife should support. They'll both have a better quality of life that way.

One way to spot a man who doesn't have that sense of responsibility is that during dating/courtship, he doesn't do anything significant for you.

He's content with you as a woman doing things for him.

A wise woman should abort mission, EXCEPT she's truly going to be comfortable with being the absolute breadwinner in their home. Like the OP.

Mariangeles:
Kobo, leave me abeg!

Some, I dare say most, of the best Marriages out there are those that are not run by the book.

Mariangeles:
Whether you agree or not, the female sacrifices way more.
It is what it is.

Can you prove this? Like provide statistical proof to back your claim?

PrimadonnaO:
A man is meant to be the primary provider. He should take the lion's share in his home. His wife should support. They'll both have a better quality of life that way.

One way to spot a man who doesn't have that sense of responsibility is that during dating/courtship, he doesn't do anything significant for you.

He's content with you as a woman doing things for him.

A wise woman should abort mission, EXCEPT she's truly going to be comfortable with being the absolute breadwinner in their home. Like the OP.

Alright. I understand you perfectly now.

bukatyne:
1 - 3. The acrimony guy is solid boyfriend material. If he did not have his wife to leech on, would he not have catered for himself? Which responsible person chases his dreams without a source of income to support himself & family while waiting for the dream to manifest? He could have picked up a low paying job that would allow his time to chase his dreams. Let's be honest, if the wife was not in the picture, how would fend for his living expenses?

4. If this is his season of famine, what did he do with his season of surplus? In the analogy, the season of surplus came before the season of famine.

5. You not being straight forward here. We both know this is not an issue of temporary loss of income; we also know that this is not just sacrificing on the path of the wife which I elaborated in my first post to you.

6. Should we really compare 4 - 6 yr old kids to husbands now? Should we?

7. Onyeoma! I would believe in this type of your 'love' when a sole provider husband drives the domestics + massage his wife's ego without complaints.

'Do unto others as you want them to do unto you';

'Love your neighbor as you love yourself'.

That poster you're responding to is laziness-apologetic.

Or just mindlessly defensive of his gender.

eazzzy1:
I don’t know where you people get the notion that men feel a type of way about doing chores. I’m the second to the last born in my family, my mandate and commissioning from the day I was born was to go do chores, plus I come from a family where doing chores was rewarded often. I have no problem at all with doing chores, I do 100% of my chores living alone, why should I want to stop doing chores because I got married? Did I marry a robot?

I do not believe in traditional roles, so doing chores isn’t giving up 50% of my roles as a man. My roles as a man is to be happy and have a happy family, any arrangement that makes this possible is fair game to me. I was in a live in relationship and asides cooking, I did pretty much every other thing, it wasn’t demanded of me, I just did it. My gf couldn’t walk from point A to B without acting like she gave Yokozuna a piggy back, so instead of giving massages all day I just did the work, it was also my house so her bills were limited to wifi, groceries, cable (which was shared 50/50).

Two people who claim to love themselves should be there for themselves, it’s not supposed to be rocket science in my opinion. If both couples work, they should both contribute financially to their family. If one of them works, the person should take charge of the finances till the other person starts earning. If I had tits that produce milk I would breastfeed without stress and if my wife runs out of milk and I have to be the only one breastfeeding, it wouldn’t be a burden to me.

So so sweet to read.

But hardly ever the reality.

...And we must be mindful of reality.

PrimadonnaO:
I 100% agree with you.

Girls think they're scoring high with a guy when he gives them nothing and she doesn't ask or complain.

They don't know they're setting up themselves for future burdens if they do get married.


Most responsible men simply take care of their women.

They demonstrate love and a a sense of responsibility by providing and protecting.

When I see a man who doesn't do that, I abort mission mentally.

Unfortunately, one of the flaws men like the OP's husband have isn't stinginess, provided that he's access to money and some atom of love for the person he's involved with, which means you and your likes might still marry his type. If the OP would be truthful to herself, she'll admit that while the man was holding a job in the cause of their dating, he wasn't stingy to her.

The major problem his kind has always had is chiefly complacency; then procrastination and the erroneous belief in conquering their economic world through some assumed easy means like being sycophantic to the established for crumbles, dreaming of occupying some top public positions they didn't prepare for with the hope of amassing wealth via embezzlement, or luck (betting/pool), etc, rather through meaningful skills, concrete blueprint, and mastery of the science of wealth creation and sustenance.

In all, the OP still has to tread with caution and diplomacy in trying to jolt him to gumption because the chance of him achieving economic growth is still possible, however slim it seems now.

truthsayer009:
She said the man had a job before, he quit in the 1st year of marriage saying he wanted to do business.

This is where it becomes tricky because would you now File for divorce because of this decision? Remember she just had a child, It also means the baby would be affected, apart from that the stress of taking care of a baby alone will not allow you make such decision. Remember that business doesn't fail immediately, It takes years to finally come to the conclusion/realisation that your business has failed.

It is simple on paper but not really simple when you analyse it deeply.

Having a job made no difference.

I've been following her responses from page 1.

The man has always been complacent even before the marriage.

He always lacked a sense of responsibility. She was always there to push.

She had expected that marriage and its attendant responsibilities would work a miracle.

But alas, oga QUIT his job to be a full time baby boy!

RightToReject:
Unfortunately, one of the flaws men like the OP's husband have isn't stinginess, provided that he's access to money and some atom of love for the person he's involved with, which means you and your likes might still marry his type. If the OP would be truthful to herself, she'll admit that while the man was holding a job in the cause of their dating, he wasn't stingy to her.

The major problem his kind has always had is chiefly complacency; then procrastination and the erroneous belief in conquering their economic world through some assumed easy means like being sycophantic to the established for crumbles, dreaming of occupying some top public positions they didn't prepare for with the hope of amassing wealth via embezzlement, or luck (betting/pool), etc, rather through meaningful skills, concrete blueprint, and mastery of the science of wealth creation and sustenance.

In all, the OP still has to tread with caution and diplomacy in trying to jolt him to gumption because the chance of him achieving economic growth is still possible, however slim it seems now.

Stinginess is one thing. A lack of responsibility is another.

Trust me. I know the difference.

OP said her husband doesn't even get her gifts. He gets money from occasional contracts and shares none with her! I mean!

She also saw the complacency before marriage.

*******
I'm so irked.

Why do women think they can change a man?
Just why?

PrimadonnaO:
I 100% agree with you.

Girls think they're scoring high with a guy when he gives them nothing and she doesn't ask or complain.

They don't know they're setting up themselves for future burdens if they do get married.


Most responsible men simply take care of their women.

They demonstrate love and a a sense of responsibility by providing and protecting.

When I see a man who doesn't do that, I abort mission mentally.

My sister, na so one yeye bobo dey famz me sake of say I be single in my 30s and working....which means I don over ready. Guy even introduced me to his mom who extended the famz....but e no get sense of responsibility. No be say I no fit afford stuff o but our future daddy must demonstrate say he go fit take care of me and my children in the future fa. As I watch am for like 3 months see say na same same....Valentine come even expose him stinginess wella....I just jump ship jejely. I cant fit shout!

PrimadonnaO:
Stinginess is one thing. A lack of responsibility is another.

Trust me. I know the difference.

OP said her husband doesn't even get her gifts. He gets money from occasional contracts and shares none with her! I mean!

She also saw the complacency before marriage.

*******
I'm so irked.

Why do women think they can change a man?
Just why?

His problem can never be a lack of responsibility, just as it isn't stinginess, since he's always been disposed to doing some domestic work, according to the OP. His problem simply lies in his lack of grit. Unfortunately , it takes special knowledge to decipher a man, or woman, who lacks grit when met while holding a job or on money.

Mariangeles:
Ishi, the matter tie kirikiri star!

It’ll be easier to get op’s (kinda) husband involved in a business(assuming op has one), than to expect him to keep a job.
That is what I’d do, if I were in her shoes.

There are women with husbands like hers, so it’s nothing new.
One just has to know how to handle the situation.

He'll run the business down.

Man's got no drive.

RichGal:
Hi, Good afternoon.
My husband helps out with chores.

A typical day has me getting the kids ready in the morning while he is in the kitchen.

No I don't come home to a hot meal waiting LOL. I cook on weekends.

But the point seems to be misunderstood. I did not sign up to be a sole financial provider but to have my own earnings and I do not mind supporting my family.

Once again, I'd like to state that sharing my issues here has been quite helpful. First, I don't feel as bitter as I felt when I was making the first post and that is a major step towards making the right decisions with a clear head.

Thanks to everyone who made meaningful contributions.

God bless you all.

I've read your responses from page 1.

This particular one made me laugh...maybe because you laughed over coming home to a hot meal.

I think you already got yourself in the situation.

You married a fancy man who's got no drive.
He must have been good for your rep during the dating days.
Maybe he was sweet.
You two were picture-perfect
Maybe he was good in bed, too.
...Also he had a job at the time.

And so you thought? "Why not? No man's perfect. Let this be the value I add to this man's life. I'll be here to always push him to be better."

Alas! All of those hopes have been dashed.

My dear, hang on to those things that made you marry him.

At least he's coordinated. He's enviable in church.

He's not disgracing you from Ajah to Berger.

Ahan

Decide this is your burden to bear.

Recalibrate

How can this marriage be less frustrating for you?

I think you should provide for general needs, but stop providing for his personal needs. He should sort those out himself... He's an able-bodied adult. He'll find a way.

Imagine that you were a widow... or divorced. You'll still do the things you're doing yeah?

Hmmm. Only that you'd have considered the option of remarriage.

Point is, reframe the situation.

You need to feel better.

I don't think a divorce should be an option

You have to find a way to cope.

You can if you just change a few things. Your earnings will increase.

Just stop babying the man you married.

RightToReject:
His problem can never be a lack of responsibility, just as it isn't stinginess, since he's always been disposed to doing some domestic work, according to the OP. His problem simply lies in his lack of grit. Unfortunately , it takes special knowledge to decipher a man, or woman, who lacks grit when met while holding a job or on money.

Doing chores isn't the sense of responsibility we are talking about.

The sense of responsibility under discussion here is:

I'm a man!

I married a woman, and bore a child with her!

I have a family. People who ordinarily should look up to me.

I need to be able to provide for them.

To make them happy.

To be FELT in this home.

Not washing plates.

She said she didn't sign up for her husband to be good just for washing plates and helping to spread the kids' unforms.

RichGal:
Hi, Good afternoon.
My husband helps out with chores.

A typical day has me getting the kids ready in the morning while he is in the kitchen.

No I don't come home to a hot meal waiting LOL. I cook on weekends.

But the point seems to be misunderstood. I did not sign up to be a sole financial provider but to have my own earnings and I do not mind supporting my family.

Once again, I'd like to state that sharing my issues here has been quite helpful. First, I don't feel as bitter as I felt when I was making the first post and that is a major step towards making the right decisions with a clear head.

Thanks to everyone who made meaningful contributions.

God bless you all.

Don’t forget to be clear in your Communication with him

I watched a TV show where a wife was having issues with the husband’s unemployment. They initially agreed for him to stay back home and take care of the kid since she made more money, but then he got comfortable staying home even when the child was grown and could be taken to a daycare or so, and the wife was no longer fine with it.

She didn’t know a good way to tell him that she was no longer comfortable, so she lied that her family wasn’t ok with the arrangement. The husband was confused and said to her “when did we start listening to family members about how to manage our relationship, we both agreed to this”… Truth was, she was no longer ok with it but she couldn’t tell him. If only she had told him what she was telling the camera

Be transparent in your communication if he’s not getting the message. I think many men can handle the truth from their spouse when said respectfully to their faces and not behind their backs

sisisioge:
My sister, na so one yeye bobo dey famz me sake of say I be single in my 30s and working....which means I don over ready. Guy even introduced me to his mom who extended the famz....but e no get sense of responsibility. No be say I no fit afford stuff o but our future daddy must demonstrate say he go fit take care of me and my children in the future fa. As I watch am for like 3 months see say na same same....Valentine come even expose him stinginess wella....I just jump ship jejely. I cant fit shout!

Good riddance, please.

I've also noticed this with some men.

They tend to think that a single lady working and of good age to marry is simply looking for any man!

Just be a man! And be willing to marry.

...And it's sad women who let themselves fall short like that.

PrimadonnaO:
Doing chores isn't the sense of responsibility we are talking about.

The sense of responsibility under discussion here is:

I'm a man!

I married a woman, and bore a child with her!

I have a family. People who ordinarily should look up to me.

I need to be able to provide for them.

To make them happy.

To be FELT in this home.

Not washing plates.

She said she didn't sign up for her husband to be good just for washing plates and helping to spread the kids' unforms.

Of course, those you highlighted are part of what having a sense of responsibility as a man entails, and don't be surprised to know that the man in question has all that in his minute thoughts.

My assertions are based not just on knowledge but also on the fact that I've had a very close acquaintance that embodied everything the OP has stated and experienced in the hands of her husband.

PrimadonnaO:
That poster you're responding to is laziness-apologetic.

Or just mindlessly defensive of his gender.

Or both

Kobojunkie:
Fixing another human being is never a good idea, so... I do understand what you mean you say you are exhausted, so why not consider no longer carrying all the weight by yourself anymore?

1. Get marriage counselor involved to help you and your husband review your current arrangement and come to a new resolution that has him carrying some of the burden you have had to carry all by yourself till now...

2. Visit a mental health therapist so as to help you dig down to reason why you feel you are to serve as mother - fixer - to your own husband. I believe that by discovering the root of that for yourself, you can begin to leg go of the need to hold it all up by yourself.

3. Give yourself a break as often as you can. If you already mentally exhausted only 6 years ago, what will the picture of your health look like by the time you are 20 years into it, assuming you never collapse finish by then?

This one don come again with him condescending comments. You should really shut up!