But is he performing those duties?Is he being the primary caregiver? Is he doing her laundry, making sure her food is ready when she gets home from an exhausting day at work? Making sure the kids are fed, bathe and cared for? etc

And even if he were, is that the agreement both of them agreed on? Because if he does all that a traditional wife does for a providing husband and she’s fine with providing, I don’t see what the issue is. The most important thing being that each party is happy with their roles regardless of what outsiders think they should be doing according tradition.

Next time you want to quote “woke coco”, say the entire thing so that you don’t end up looking like a misinformed clown.

Acidosis:
As long as he's performing some househusband duties like laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc., there shouldn't be issues. At least this is something I've learned from "woke" women like Coco and others around here.

Please get him to do chores. The Lord is your strength.

Eazzzy1. Thanks for your time. I really do appreciate your input.

Like I already mentioned, I really needed to vent and in the process hear the perspective of other experienced people and I have gained alot from the conversation.

I took some learning points from your shared perspective, believe me.

Thank you once again.

cococandy:
1. But is he performing those duties?Is he being the primary caregiver? Is he doing her laundry, making sure her food is ready when she gets home from an exhausting day at work? Making sure the kids are fed, bathe and cared for? etc

2. And even if he were, is that the agreement both of them agreed on? Because if he does all that a traditional wife does for a providing husband and she’s fine with providing, I don’t see what the issue is. The most important thing being that each party is happy with their roles regardless of what outsiders think they should be doing according tradition.

Next time you want to quote “woke coco”, say the entire thing so that you don’t end up looking like a misinformed clown.

1. What if OP herself not willing to see that her husband ought to be doing these things at this stage in their relationship? What if she is not accepting of the fact that since her husband has so far not been able to wear the traditional-husband hat, he should be wearing the traditional-wife hat instead?

2. OP seems to want her husband to be responsible for her and her kids, be head over her. She doesn't seem to have accepted what is the reality of her marriage at this time and her frustration stems from that.

faithfull18:

The 'what do women bring to the table' NL men always ranting here should come read this.

That a lot do so much and keep mute about it just not to bruise the egos of their partners.

At OP, I really don't know what to say to you.

God abeg.

my crush how are u today

cococandy:
But is he performing those duties?Is he being the primary caregiver? Is he doing her laundry, making sure her food is ready when she gets home from an exhausting day at work? Making sure the kids are fed, bathe and cared for? etc

And even if he were, is that the agreement both of them agreed on? Because if he does all that a traditional wife does for a providing husband and she’s fine with providing, I don’t see what the issue is. The most important thing being that each party is happy with their roles regardless of what outsiders think they should be doing according tradition.

Next time you want to quote “woke coco”, say the entire thing so that you don’t end up looking like a misinformed clown.

Classic coco . You must always end with a punchline. Always look forward to your comments

Kobojunkie:
1. What if OP herself not willing to see that her husband ought to be doing these things at this stage in their relationship? What if she is not accepting of the fact that since her husband has so far not been able to wear the traditional-husband hat, he should be wearing the traditional-wife hat instead?

2. OP seems to want her husband to be responsible for her and her kids, be head over her. She doesn't seem to have accepted what is the reality of her marriage at this time and her frustration stems from that.

Right.
That’s why my opinion is always based on what feels fair to the couple within the marriage not what others feel they should be doing.

It might make sense for her to see “the reality” as we think of it, but if that’s not what she wants, she’s still going to be resentful. They never agreed for the husband to be the house spouse and for her to be the sole provider. If they did, I don’t think she will be here complaining.

He probably initially gave the impression that he could become a traditional provider husband or at least an equal contributor which seemed okay to her but he just never actualized that expectation hence her frustration.

RichGal:
Hello everyone

Long post alert.

I feel like I'm burning out. I have been married to a guy I think I'm crazy in love with for 6 years plus. We got 2 kids.

I have been solely responsible for the bills, I mean every single bill. From houserent, to school fees, to car maintenance, to feeding and toiletries.

I have been very patient with my husband cos I'm not a materialistic woman. I really don't attach much value to money, it's just a tool to achieve required stuff.

Here's the issue. My husband is an unambitious person with no personal goals.
When we were dating, I always pushed him to achieve more and I felt since I was the ambitious one, I could always motivate him, so long as he was willing to be motivated.

But now, after all these years and two kids, I AM TIRED.

My ATM card is mostly with him, all he knows to do is spend, spend, spend while I work, work, work,plan,plan,plan and save, save, save.

I feel he has no understanding of responsibility and he has become so comfortable with me wearing these shoes.

I always have to push my personal needs aside and think of the family first.

Now I'm at a point where I'm just waiting for the kids to be grown and then I'll leave him. I don't even know sef. I feel emotionally neglected. I feel resentful. I feel all these things cos I can't walk out of this marriage cos of my Christian beliefs, my children, and maybe cos a part of me still loves him.

But, I feel myself growing apart from him daily. Sometimes, I feel I would have done way better if I wasn't married to him. I feel burdened.

If I could have an affair to maintain some form of mental stability I would, but I can't. I think he knows this so he feels confident that I ain't going no where but I'll shock him.

I'm just tired of taking care of everyone without being taken care of. I keep pouring out and giving

We look like the picture perfect couple. We are both very attractive, young looking and have great chemistry but that's all there is to it.

I can't even remember the last time we both had a meaningful conversation on an intellectual level cos while I'm all about self development, dude is all about whatever he is all about.

I really don't know. I'm really sad and getting to my threshold.

Don't worry every problem have solutions

You actually spoilt him by doing all thinking, he will take up from you but he was even more comfortable the way things are as you actually gave him you ATM card

So he knows your financial movements more than you

Is not yet late to adjust so that he will understand life better than the silver spoon that you gave him to feed with

Go to bank and block that ATM,
When he complains tell him that your account was queried and after that, either you stop using ATM or you restrict it to yourself

Ask him what he wants to do for his life to get better if he didn't respond then that's a red flag that he wants to be idle and not even a house husband

Start saving for the rainy day because it will definitely rain

Start planning for your self and children so that you can save enough for their future education

Since you still have a portion of love for him, you don't need to leave him, enjoy his warmness when need be and still plan

By the time he doesn't have access to your account and money again he will get broke and that is all he needs to sit up

As time goes on, he will start thinking of how to become someone

Kajaard:


Classic coco . You must always end with a punchline. Always look forward to your comments

That’s on him. He can’t resist making passive unwarranted digs at me.

cococandy:

Right.
That’s why my opinion is always based on what feels fair to the couple within the marriage not what others feel they should be doing.

It might make sense to her to see “the reality” as we think of it, but if that’s not what she wants, she’s still going to be resentful. They never agreed for the husband to be the house spouse and for her to be the sole provider. If they did, I don’t think she will be here complaining.

He probably initially gave the impression that he could become a traditional provider husband or at least an equal contributor which seemed okay to her but he just never actualized expectation hence her frustration.

APT.

RichGal:
APT.

Ok, but that was many years ago. Since then you took ok the role of sole provider among other roles.

The terms and conditions of your marriage agreement isn't meant to be set in stone. Couples are meant to renegotiate as situation in the marriage changes. So why not at this point seriously consider renegotiating your agreement to adjust for the current until such a time as you find that you need to switch things up again.

truthsayer009:


Hahaha bro, let's not bring this issue up now

We all know that's not how things work in real life (offline).

I know right. The Lord is their strength.

RichGal:


APT.

You’re yet to tell us what attracted you to him in the first place?
Has he not always been the way he is now?
Has he ever provided for you?
Has he ever motivated or inspired you?

I think it’s more of you not being able to keep up with what you started and enabled.

A woman was never created to provide for a man.
She does not have the physical strength to.
It’ll take its toll on her and wear her out eventually.

RichGal:


APT.

The truth is that you can’t really win in the court of public opinion. We are told men are supposed to be the providers. But they aren’t always. At the same time as a young girl you’re encouraged to give a man with potential chances. Don’t be materialistic. Don’t look for already made. Help build him up. Etc.

Sometimes it works and you’re a golden child who stood by the man when he had nothing.
Other times it doesn’t work and people will ask you “didn’t you see that before saying yes?”. Either way it’s going to be your fault. so, you get to decide when you’ve had enough.

You’re being an ass to the OP because cococandy has an opinion you don’t agree with?

Acidosis:


I know right. The Lord is their strength.

Mariangeles:
A woman was never created to provide for a man.
She does not have the physical strength to.
It’ll take its toll on her and wear her out eventually.

I disagree! Being a sole provider takes a toll on anyone who takes on that role whether man or women, so no one gender is created for such to begin with.

What is wearing OP out in this case isn't really the fact that she alone brings in the dough, but that she's been wearing too many hats in her marriage, and her expectations as far as this man is concerned do not line up with his , let's call it, current state.

RichGal, I appreciate that you are respectful with your comments, even to those who disagree with you. That’s a very scarce behaviour on nairaland. May God give you the wisdom to handle your issues the right way. Cheers and all the best.

cococandy:

The truth is that you can’t really win in the court of public opinion. We are told men are supposed to be the providers. But they aren’t always. At the same time as a young girl you’re encouraged to give a man with potential chances. Don’t be materialistic. Don’t look for already made. Help build him up. Etc.

Sometimes it works and you’re a golden child who stood by the man when he had nothing.
Other times it doesn’t work and people will ask you “didn’t you see that before saying yes?”. Either way it’s going to be your fault. so, you get to decide when you’ve had enough.

You summarized it all o jare.

This lady here is the strongest woman I have ever read of on Nairaland...a text book example of an African woman!.

Your only sin is,marrying a lazy man...u just have to be strong and take away the card from him. U can't be working while he waits to receive your sweat all because of marriage.

Be bold and talk him into doing something, what if u are not there tomorrow,is that the way he is going to run down his family all because u have refused to voice out?

Keep it up my dear sister...this life no balance.

Kobojunkie:
I disagree! Being a sole provider takes a toll on anyone who takes on that role whether man or women, so no one gender is created for such to begin with.

What is wearing OP out in this case isn't really the fact that she alone brings in the dough, but that she's been wearing too many hats in her marriage, and her expectations as far as this man is concerned do not line up with his , let's call it, current state.

I ask again, are you a counselor?

If you aren't, you really should consider being one.

As per your advise to negotiate, my husband does not have any issues with sitting down to listen and talk and make promises and seem to adjust for a few weeks.

His major challenge is STAYING CONSISTENT. He needs to be constantly pushed. Now we have kids and more responsibilities, maybe this is why it has become somewhat of a burden for me to keep babysitting an adult.

I just worry cos aside from the money aspect, it is not okay for anyone to be idle, it is not okay to not have goals you are consciously working on. It is not okay to not set milestones and work towards achieving them.

Well, at least he takes church seriously. I can't wait to start seeing positive changes from this.

cococandy:

The truth is that you can’t really win in the court of public opinion. We are told men are supposed to be the providers. But they aren’t always. At the same time as a young girl you’re encouraged to give a man with potential chances. Don’t be materialistic. Don’t look for already made. Help build him up. Etc.

Sometimes it works and you’re a golden child who stood by the man when he had nothing.
Other times it doesn’t work and people will ask you “didn’t you see that before saying yes?”. Either way it’s going to be your fault. so, you get to decide when you’ve had enough.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Thank you very much Coco. Thank you.

eazzzy1:
RichGal, I appreciate that you are respectful with your comments, even to those who disagree with you. That’s a very scarce behaviour on nairaland. May God give you the wisdom to handle your issues the right way. Cheers and all the best.

Amen and many many thanks.

ibechris:
This lady here is the strongest woman I have ever read of on Nairaland...a text book example of an African woman!.

Your only sin is here is marrying a lazy man...u just have to be strong and take away the card from him. U can't be working while he waits to receive your sweat all because of marriage.

Be bold and talk him into doing something, what if u are not there tomorrow,is that the way he is going to run down his family all because u have refused to voice out?

Keep it up my dear sister...this life no balance.

Hmm, that's too much credit.

You asked a very scary but valid question. What if I'm no more there?

I have to seriously consider drawing up a will.
And I think I will use this line and definitely need to involve his leaders in church whom he looks up to.

Thanks a lot.

RichGal:
1. As per your advise to negotiate, my husband does not have any issues with sitting down to listen and talk and make promises and seem to adjust for a few weeks. His major challenge is STAYING CONSISTENT. He needs to be constantly pushed. Now we have kids and more responsibilities, maybe this is why it has become somewhat of a burden for me to keep babysitting an adult.

2. I just worry cos aside from the money aspect, it is not okay for anyone to be idle, it is not okay to not have goals you are consciously working on. It is not okay to not set milestones and work towards achieving them. Well, at least he takes church seriously. I can't wait to start seeing positive changes from this.

1. You are not his mother abeg. Please, take stop wearing that hat. Give over the responsibilities to him and allow him to develop himself in it.

2. Of what benefit is his church life to you ?

Kobojunkie:
1. You are not his mother abeg. Please, take stop wearing that hat abeg. Give over the responsibilities to him and allow him to develop himself in it.

2. Of what benefit is his church life to you ?

LOL. Thanks Kobojunkie.

I will learn to adjust. I honestly feel better than I felt before coming on here to vent.

I've really gained from the various shared perspectives.

eazzzy1:
Someone once made a post ‘asides money, what do men bring to the table?’ This same money you put aside is what many women will find exceptionally difficult to bring to the table like the OP in this case.

This is why I have always recommended that a man shares the bills on a 50-50 level with his wife no matter how much more he makes than her. Some of you men make more than your wife, you take care of all the bills and even give her something to supplement her income, you need to know that no woman will do the same for you.

You make more than them you feel the need to bring them up, they make more than you they feel the need to replace you. This woman has cheated on her husband and the reason it didn’t get physical is because the opportunity hasn’t presented itself.

To the OP, God has blessed you with the finances in your home, your husband is suddenly a burden, would your husband feel the same way about you if he made all the money? Divorce him. I hope what happened in the movie Acrimony becomes his reality. How can someone who has tried his hands on multiple businesses be termed lazy and not ambitious?

They say to women, marriage is like the flies on the kitchen window, the ones inside wants to get out, the ones outside wants to come in. Two months after divorce you will be on dating sites asking if there are no ‘real men’ looking for commitment anymore, asking why everyone you meet wants fwb or one night stand. Just divorce him, I’m sure he would have made something of his life if he stayed single.

I don't know if this continuous wrong comparison of male & female breadwinners in marriage is deliberate or male posters genuinely misunderstanding.

I would assume it is the latter and explain again:

When the husband is the sole provider/major breadwinner, the wife balances it with driving the domestic aspect of the marriage: chores, childcare/training/investment, husband management, in-law management etc.

The husband provides the funds while the wife used those funds to drive the domestics.

When a wife is the sole provider/ major breadwinner, she is still driving the domestic aspect of the marriage. The husbands in such cases are super insecure so in addition to breadwinning & driving the domestics, she has to massage his inflated ego.

So when a husband becomes the major breadwinner/sole provider and still drives the domestics, there would be a fair basis of comparison.

bukatyne, I get you and I understand you. However, in the OP’s case she didn’t make mention of being the one driving the domestics, she didn’t say her husband wasn’t doing chores.

Provision isn’t gender base anymore, equal opportunity for women brought about equal responsibility. Should a man be more involved in chores? Yes. Should a woman be more involved in providing? Yes. In a situation where a partner isn’t capable of fulfilling his/her obligations in the relationship, should there not be accommodations?

I think the comparison here would be If a woman who took care of the domestic aspect of her home was involved in an accident and confined to a wheel chair, would it be right if the man starts complaining about not wanting to do chores and resenting her and start cheating? The man who is temporarily financially handicapped needs all the support and encouragement he can get now.

@RichGal:

A lot has been said and I am sure you know where you missed it (marrying him + condoning him when you became uncomfortable)

While therapy is fine, you would be back to square one aka burnt out if you do not address the cause of it.

In addition to your husband's lack of ambition and unwillingness to provide, I am also worried that when he has the flash in the pan wins, he doesn't spend it for you guys or spoil you to provide rest.

Your husband has become very comfortable so there would be a lot of rukus when you decide to pull the carpet under his feet.

I do not think that conversations or reporting him to the Church would have any effect at this stage. If he is growing comfortably in Church and he doesn't understand that he needs to step up/ relieve you/ provide and protect, there is little the leaders can do.

After all, there are strong Bible passages that speaks to people (men) providing for their households and been productive/ hardworking.

First, stop funding his fantasies; if he wants to contribute in Church, he should earn; ditto any other expense that is not critical.

Also set auto-deduction on your account so that a percentage of your salary goes there for savings. If your kids need anything apart from critical things like schoolfees, urgent healthcare, basic clothing etc, direct them sweetly to their dad. Also build future investments for you & the kids.

If you can, look for a job for him. This is also a subtle way to involve people he respects. Just tell them he needs a job. This would address the productive part.

While it would be very tempting to maintain a standard of living commensurate with your salary (so that your kids don't 'suffer' or you look on point), please reduce it.

Adultery: you know it is wrong and hopefully as you said, would not indulge in it again.


P.S.: like a poster advised, check that he doesn't have a project/ another family/ sidechics/sidedudes he is spending on.

Good luck.

eazzzy1:
bukatyne, I get you and I understand you. However, in the OP’s case she didn’t make mention of being the one driving the domestics, she didn’t say her husband wasn’t doing chores.

Provision isn’t gender base anymore, equal opportunity for women brought about equal responsibility. Should a man be more involved in chores? Yes. Should a woman be more involved in providing? Yes. In a situation where a partner isn’t capable of fulfilling his/her obligations in the relationship, should there not be accommodations?

I think the comparison here would be If a woman who took care of the domestic aspect of her home was involved in an accident and confined to a wheel chair, would it be right if the man starts complaining about not wanting to do chores and resenting her and start cheating? The man who is temporarily financially handicapped needs all the support and encouragement he can get now.

@bold:

This is not a temporary 'I am transitioning between jobs' or 'COVID hit my business'. Let's assume he lost his job or business, he can't do Uber/Bolt with their car? Can't he use the Church connect to get another job? Or do something else to generate income since he is not looking for a job? He was even given capital of Laundry Business which yielded nothing.

This is a man who lacked ambition from the get go. Why the OP married him remains a mystery.

Interestingly, he had a job before they married but she saw the lack of drive/ambition. It is about the current earnings, it is about the drive & ambition.

If the husband genuinely cannot provide for his home or carry out any of his other duties, it is a different ball game.

The OP's hubby has no excuse and they are not strange.

Lol at coco on the beats

Klass99:


Coco on the beats . I said it once before and I will say it again, I like how you stick it to people without getting low and dirty.



I am feeling her too. She made me laugh real bad with that punchline.

@ Richgal, genuine condolences.

bukatyne:


@bold:

This is not a temporary 'I am transitioning between jobs' or 'COVID hit my business'. Let's assume he lost his job or business, he can't do Uber/Bolt with their car? Can't he use the Church connect to get another job? Or do something else to generate income since he is not looking for a job? He was even given capital of Laundry Business which yielded nothing.

This is a man who lacked ambition from the get go. Why the OP married him remains a mystery.

Interestingly, he had a job before they married but she saw the lack of drive/ambition. It is about the current earnings, it is about the drive & ambition.

If the husband genuinely cannot provide for his home or carry out any of his other duties, it is a different ball game.

The OP's hubby has no excuse and they are not strange.

I hate to refer you to a work of fiction but how many years did it take the man in Acrimony to get his App to work? Leaving one’s job to focus on his business is drive, dreams and ambition to me. If the business worked we wouldn’t be here now.

There’s no way to know the guy isn’t doing everything he can to better his situation. We humans are usually more concerned with the results than the process. A man can do everything right and everything go sideways for him. Remember Joseph’s interpretation of Pharoah’s dream? 7 years season of famine and 7 years season of boom? What if this is his season of famine? It’s not like he’s just sleeping, waking and playing video games.

I just feel it’s unfair how a woman can fall back to her man’s money if things go wrong with her, a man has to grapple with his loss of income and then have to worry about his wife’s reaction to the new situation. She makes money, why is sacrificing so difficult? Would she put up her kids for adoption because of the financial burden on her? I think if you love someone, taking care of them would be a privilege not a burden.