₦airaland Forum

Klass99:
Lol

@ the part in bold, I usually get that reaction in real life and it mostly comes from your gender. Yet, you people say women want kids more than anything. But, the men seem to want it for me, more than I do.

The whole essence of marriage for me, is two adults taking good care of each other and companionship. Anything else is just extra and not the main koko for me.

There are 3 reasons for marriage;

1. Companionship
2. Sex
3. Children

It's okay to want marriage for three of those reasons or just two of them or even one alone. But, at the end of the day my take is that - marriage and children are life choices NOT goals or achievements we all have to meet, in order to unlock happiness or the adult phase of our lives.

If I may ask, why do you want children?

1. Is it because your parents had you, so you have to birth kids too?

2. Are you blindly following one of society's protocols without questioning if it's something you really want for yourself?

3. Are you continuing the legacy of the African parent - which is having kids for the sake of retirement, who will look after you in old age?

I'm curious so indulge me and pls don't give me the multiply and be fruitful answer. We have since been given a new and better commandment - Love thy God with all your, and thy neighbor as yourself. I think it supercedes the earlier one of multiply and be fruitful, which we have since fulfilled anyway.

lol, multiply and be fruitful you said. My reason isn't one of what you listed up there, generally I love the idea of kids and 2-3 is just enough. Having children to me is like a reward for the companionship cos whenever you look at Ur kids you should feel elated and happy. And no matter the love you guys may share, a time will come when things start to get boring but looking at Ur children should keep u going and happy.
Don't tell me when you see couples hanging out with their kids and happy you don't feel something within you?

Joydan95:
Marriage is a sacred union and one with much complexity. I often advice that people should go for peace of mind rather than spec when it comes to marriage cos there are countless feats you could achieve when you have peace of mind.

Before I got married, in my dating phase I mostly went into relationships with guys from stable homes...it may sound like am selective or judgemental but this this greatly influences the behavior of people. The few people I knew that were from broken homes had some sort of repulsive behavior.

I believe in marriage cos my parents have been together for close to 30 years and their bond keep getting stronger, they sometimes get angry at each other but they hardly raise their voices talkless of raise their hands to fight...they have never fought since I was born.

Now, that sets a bar for the kind of marriage I prayed to have.
When I met my fiancé now husband, I was concerned about his background, family and goals. I put my peace of mind before my spec, my spec was someone who is outspoken, manly, decisive , protective and can spur me to achieve my own goals too. So far it has been amazing

We sometimes have misunderstandings (yes we would cos we weren’t brought up with the same ideology) but we resolve it as soon as possible. We talk about everything and anything ...we are our best friend, we cruise together, drink together , pray together, work together and sometimes cook together. See, perfect marriage s exist only if you reject third parties in your marriage. Third parties gently break bonds in marriage without people realizing it....the only third party I allow in my marriage is God and so far so good, he has been leading us well.

I like stories like yours, reinforces my hope & believe in a blissful marriage, with the inevitable human induced nuances.

I know one waxing stronger to the 32nd year this september.

Sanchez01:
Lol.

I have some pretty decent relationship experience but I am not married at the moment. I still fancy picking my bags and finding myself in a state or place I have never been in the name of vacation. I know all of these will reduce or disappear the moment I get married since the purpose is primarily for leisure and not business. I am overly considerate in a way that it is annoying but God help me here.

I love love and life at the same time and the idea of staying this way is me starting over and over again, particularly when I thought all was good and then find out it isn't. It isn't difficult hitting the reset button when it doesn't work out and I still invest the same amount of energy as I would with all.

Regardless, I already have my reasons and they are:

1. To signify a life-long commitment (I have always been given to the 'One man, one woman' theory and the concept of side-chicking isn't appealing to me).
2. For love (a man is demisexual and a hopeless romantic. So I figure this for me, takes centre stage than anything).
3. Public commitment.

Lol... Perhaps you would have fared well, perhaps not. I hear some people say they are capable of loving someone they've never been attracted to if they get married to them, so it might have happened. But yeah, it is also better to have some sort of awakening and self-awareness before venturing into a lifetime commitment.

Trust you are good though?

I like how you decieve yourself that you are straight. You can deceive everyone but not yourself. embrace your sexuality

Sanchez01:
Your expectations are beautiful! I must admit you and Klass99 echoed my thoughts better.

I say "AMEN" to your last sentence. Happy weekend!

Thank you for the compliment.

Happy weekend to you too.

Pelxmiye:
Oh, okay I understand, it's increasingly looking like women's expectations are too much ...I believe people should focus on the basis, compatibility, maturity and interdependence on one another in all areas of the marriage, but no, the superficial is the major on the major , me I have given my peace, I don't like stress for myself,I'd prefer a woman who won't overstress me, though I'm not totally a traditional guy,a mix of both, I expect my woman to be a mix of both too, we try a lot to arm wrestle men into being traditional ,when a lot of you women are not traditional anymore, it's only fair for both parties to accept this reality and thrive to be a mix of both

For me I would like to know the characteristics of these traditional men and also the modern men, so I can decipher where I belong to if I am a mix of some of the two or just either of the two.. Money matter and strict upbringing don make some of us look unromantic which some see as traditional... Awaiting your response boss..

Pelxmiye:
I was listening to a podcast earlier this morning, a black american women in her 30s was interviewed, she's almost a PHd holder and a medical practitioner, she doesn't want to marry a man in his 40s, she want a man in his 30s too, however men in these range of age would go for 25, 27 and below women,they rarely go for women in their 30s,this same lady doesn't also want to go for younger men because she believes they won't be able to take care of her.

Funny thing is, this lady is a high earning medical practitioner, yet we wants a man that can still take care of 75 percent of the Bill's even when she already earns very high, you can see the confusing, she's financially buoyant yet she won't marry a modern man who they can both share 50/50 or 60/40 or 45/55, she wants the man to do 75 percent regardless of how financially okay she is, women should stop looking for traditional men they can stress, and men should stop looking for traditional women too, except you have all the women to ensure that she remains a traditional wife, this way there won't be any stress on either of both parties, I know I have deviated from the topic

You are not deviating, it's all part of the factors that either enhance or mar the longevity of a marriage, this point of yours is why I sometimes ask myself if those shouting foreign wife are really prepared for what is to come in the marriage..

Bruv, I like your content on relationship and experiences shared...anyway would like to have you on my contact list for relationship advices/opinions kindly drop me your number on email alalijerome@gmail.com

Sanchez01:
Lol.

I have some pretty decent relationship experience but I am not married at the moment. I still fancy picking my bags and finding myself in a state or place I have never been in the name of vacation. I know all of these will reduce or disappear the moment I get married since the purpose is primarily for leisure and not business. I am overly considerate in a way that it is annoying but God help me here.

I love love and life at the same time and the idea of staying this way is me starting over and over again, particularly when I thought all was good and then find out it isn't. It isn't difficult hitting the reset button when it doesn't work out and I still invest the same amount of energy as I would with all.

Regardless, I already have my reasons and they are:

1. To signify a life-long commitment (I have always been given to the 'One man, one woman' theory and the concept of side-chicking isn't appealing to me).
2. For love (a man is demisexual and a hopeless romantic. So I figure this for me, takes centre stage than anything).
3. Public commitment.

Lol... Perhaps you would have fared well, perhaps not. I hear some people say they are capable of loving someone they've never been attracted to if they get married to them, so it might have happened. But yeah, it is also better to have some sort of awakening and self-awareness before venturing into a lifetime commitment.

Trust you are good though?

Klass99:
This thing is different strokes for different folks. When I see couples hanging out with their kids, I admire them the same way I would admire a good looking man or woman, car or house.

There's no feeling of - God when, jealousy or covetousness (covetousness is when you want something someone else has abi? I'm not sure again but I don't feel that) It's like eye candy for me.

[b]And when I see couples hanging out with their kids, I usually see a mother who looks stressed, overwhelmed and harassed, trying to maintain order, keep things organized and make sure her kids are not being unruly in public. If it's not the mother, then it is the maid while the man is fiddling with his phone or on a call and he is not really engaging with his family or connecting with them.

I was @ a restaurant one day when a family of 4 walked in (man, wife and 2 young kids) they ordered their meals and when it arrived, the man dived straight into his meal and began to eat. But, the mother fed her 2 kids first, until they were okay before she ate her food.

I watched them and I was like na wao, this man couldn't even feed one child, while she fed the other. It's easy for you men to agitate for kids because you are rarely involved in the day to day physical care and maintenance of them. Even when you're for a few hours, you are eager and quick to pass the bulk to any female relative around...... but I am digressing[/b].

As for whether things will get boring without children, that's speculation I can't speak to. But for couples who don't want kids, I'm sure that's a bridge they'll cross if boredom ever arises. If I have to look at my kids to keep me going and make me happy, then I am not ready to live my best life yet.

I just said marriage and children are life choices NOT goals or achievements I personally have to meet to unlock happiness in my life and you are still insinuating that kids will keep me going and happy, no they will not. Because, I am self aware to the point of knowing my likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, what lights up my heart and what doesn't.

I do things that bring joy and happiness into my heart independent of people and things I own. Just reading a James Patterson novel or working out does that for me.

@ the bolded isn't always 100%, I have seen situations where the husband is so involved in the day to day running of the house and kids and I have seen the other way round where the whole responsibility is left on the shoulders of the woman. Team Patraichy holds sway here, And about what you saw once @ the restaurant, don't think it's so with all couples out there like you rightly stated different strokes for different folks. Your mind is already made up on these, so nothing I say will make you see things differently. Although I doubt if there is any man out there who agrees with ur take on this. In all I wish u the very best in ur search for all u desire in a partner that's if you're searching. Your dreams and desires are VALID.

cayorday89:
You are not deviating, it's all part of the factors that either enhance or mar the longevity of a marriage, this point of yours is why I sometimes ask myself if those shouting foreign wife are really prepared for what is to come in the marriage..

Exactly bro

It took me two days to finish this thread (with utmost calmness) and I must say, I LOVE it.

Klass99:
Your post had me smiling from ear to ear. I like your outlook on life but what do you mean by public commitment?

I needed that self awareness and to discover myself before getting married. Marrying @ 22 just didn't feel right to me, thankfully I had (and still have) enlightened parents who didn't push or force the issue of marriage on any of their kids.

Now that I'm older, more self aware and I think independently (I've always had a mind of my own and was a non-conformist as far back as secondary school & university anyway ) I know that;

1. I want to love and be loved.

2. I'm not crazy about having kids of my own. The thought of it exhausts me, more than it excites me.

3. I want a man who understands that even though we may be married, we do not lose ourselves or individuality. On point 3, the lyrics from one of Neyo's says songs comes to mind - I'm a movement by myself but we are a force when we are together.

4. I want companionship, good and authentic companionship with lots of quality time with my man, like just cuddling him in front of the TV, while we watch our favourite programs and me running my hands over his bare chest, occasionally massaging his neck and shoulders. I don't think you love love more than me o especially when the feeling is mutual.

5. I want a married life experience where he'll be my baby and I'll be his. We will be two adults just taking care of each other and doing the good we can in our community and to the people in our lives and space (whether we know them personally or not)

Younger me may have gotten married simply because;

1. My suitor was good looking, he wanted it and was mounting the pressure like kilode?

2. The so called society expected it of me as a woman and......

3. Who knows I may have been one of your case studies today if not divorced sef

Older me has the presence of mind to make well thought out decisions on the basis of my self awareness. Decisions that help rather than hurt me, in the short or long run.

I'm good. I hope you are too.

wow
are you married or in a serious relationship now??

Klass99:
Nope.

As a tech guy, which of these tech fields would you recommend I try, bearing in mind that I like creativity and presenting information in a short, sweet and simple way.

1. Graphics Design
2. Data Analysis
3. Software Development
4. UI/UX Design

graphics design

Pelxmiye:
Not realistic

What's not realistic?

Melst:
Considering it took you a while to decide on the topic, I'd understand why I agree with everything you have written aside the topic itself. I personally feel "peace of mind" is a spec required for marriage and one of the most important spec at that. It baffles me when I see both men and women focusing on physical appearances when choosing a life partner. I'd go for a man that looks like a monkey if my happiness lies therein. .

I want a man whose love for me, and my love for him is unrivaled. If this is obtained, then cheating cannot even be in the equation. Because that cheating of a thing scares the hell outta me.

I want a man with a conscience. This eradicates a whole lot of heartaches in marriage.

I want a man full of life and with a vision. A man that takes charge. A man that knows he is a man and acts accordingly.

I want a man that loves kids and knows how to handle kids or is willing to learn. So I'll be rest assured that my children will not have daddy issues.

I want a man that loves sex and love to explore and still sees sex as sacred. All these stories of philandering men is as a result of the kind of societal values obtainable these days. People now see sex as an achievement, as a tender, as a reward, as punishment, name it. Most people have lost the true essence of sex as an act of love. Most people have not even experienced love in sex.

I could go on and on about my ideal specs. Yes, one can't find all specs in one man. You just have to apply opportunity cost and know which is non negotiable. For me, physical appearances is just a plus, definitely not the ultimate. I just pray we all get it right at the end of the day.

Beautiful write up once again.

@bold:

Beautiful.

cayorday89:
For me I would like to know the characteristics of these traditional men and also the modern men, so I can decipher where I belong to if I am a mix of some of the two or just either of the two.. Money matter and strict upbringing don make some of us look unromantic which some see as traditional... Awaiting your response boss..

@OP: great thread.

bukatyne:
@bold:

Beautiful.

. Thank you dear.

Klass99:
Thanks. That's the one my heart often seems inclined towards.

yeah it very cool when you get really good you can add UI/UX to it

Sanchez01:
Ironically, most of the truly happy marriages I see upclose of that of older people. People who clown with themselves and play like they are buddies. You need to see their arguments or when they are driving. It's like attending a comedy show. True, every union is unique and so should the approach be. If you juxtapose these older marriages with couples in marriages of lesser than 5 years seeking to divorce 'for their mental health', you can't help but wonder whether or not what they saw has disappeared or that they didn't consider their mental health before ending up with their partners.

It's wild with today's marriages.

Absolutely!

Melst:
Considering it took you a while to decide on the topic, I'd understand why I agree with everything you have written aside the topic itself. I personally feel "peace of mind" is a spec required for marriage and one of the most important spec at that. It baffles me when I see both men and women focusing on physical appearances when choosing a life partner. I'd go for a man that looks like a monkey if my happiness lies therein. .

I want a man whose love for me, and my love for him is unrivaled. If this is obtained, then cheating cannot even be in the equation. Because that cheating of a thing scares the hell outta me.

I want a man with a conscience. This eradicates a whole lot of heartaches in marriage.

I want a man full of life and with a vision. A man that takes charge. A man that knows he is a man and acts accordingly.

I want a man that loves kids and knows how to handle kids or is willing to learn. So I'll be rest assured that my children will not have daddy issues.

I want a man that loves sex and love to explore and still sees sex as sacred. All these stories of philandering men is as a result of the kind of societal values obtainable these days. People now see sex as an achievement, as a tender, as a reward, as punishment, name it. Most people have lost the true essence of sex as an act of love. Most people have not even experienced love in sex.

I could go on and on about my ideal specs. Yes, one can't find all specs in one man. You just have to apply opportunity cost and know which is non negotiable. For me, physical appearances is just a plus, definitely not the ultimate. I just pray we all get it right at the end of the day.

Beautiful write up once again.

Hmm seeing this beautiful writeup, I pray God gives you what you want. Although I don't know how old you are, this is also an important part on people's expectation. Finding someone you love & that loves you back the same way is almost impossible. It is usually either they are crazy about you OR you are cray about them, somehow one of you will have to settle. To be fair, I haven't seen a 50/50 love combination before.

That being said, a man that looks like a monkey figuratively but gives peace of mind is also very dangerous for your marriage, whatever you do. Still make sure you are somewhat physically attracted to your partner because sex will always be a chore if the attraction is not there, take it from me. I am 100% sure of this.

It is hard having sex with someone you aren't attracted to.

Klass99:
This thing is different strokes for different folks. When I see couples hanging out with their kids, I admire them the same way I would admire a good looking man or woman, car or house.There's no feeling of - God when, jealousy or covetousness.

When I see couples hanging out with their kids, I often see a mother who looks stressed, overwhelmed and harassed. Trying to maintain order, keep things organized and make sure her kids are not being unruly in public. If it is not the mother, then it is the maid while the man is fiddling with his phone and he is not really engaging with his family or connecting with them.

I was at a restaurant one day when a family of 4 walked in (man, wife and 2 young kids) they ordered their meals and when it arrived, the man dived straight in and began to eat. But the mother fed her 2 kids first, until they were okay before she ate her food.

I watched them and I was like na wao, this man couldn't even feed one child, while she fed the other. It's easy for you men to clamour for kids because you are rarely involved in the day to day physical care and maintenance of them. Even when you are for a few hours, you quickly pass the bulk to any female relative around...... but I digress.

As for whether things will get boring without children, that is speculation I can't speak to. If I have to look at my kids to keep me going and make me happy, then I am not ready to live my best life yet.

What's feeding when compared to the bills the man pay?
The wives do the same when the time for billings come

truthsayer009:
Hmm seeing this beautiful writeup, I pray God gives you what you want. Although I don't know how old you are, this is also an important part on people's expectation. Finding someone you love & that loves you back the same way is almost impossible. It is usually either they are crazy about you OR you are cray about them, somehow one of you will have to settle. To be fair, I haven't seen a 50/50 love combination before.

That being said, a man that looks like a monkey figuratively but gives peace of mind is also very dangerous for your marriage, whatever you do. Still make sure you are somewhat physically attracted to your partner because sex will always be a chore if the attraction is not there, take it from me. I am 100% sure of this.

It is hard having sex with someone you aren't attracted to.

Well, beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholder, and attraction, especially that emanating from genuineness of thoughts and feelings rarely depends on just physical. That's where chemistry and love comes to play. I have seen an azz man head over heels with a lady without azz. Most times, we don't even know what actually will tick that part of us. The most handsome guy I have dated wasn't the one I was most physically attracted to.

Amen to your prayers. May we find that genuine love devoid of deceit. Because marrying wrongly is deadlier than not marrying at all. In my late twenties by the way.

Sorry for the late response.

Klass99:
Your post had me smiling from ear to ear. I like your outlook on life but what do you mean by public commitment?

I needed that self awareness and to discover myself before getting married. Marrying @ 22 just didn't feel right to me, thankfully I had (and still have) enlightened parents who didn't push or force the issue of marriage on any of their kids.

Now that I'm older, more self aware and I think independently (I've always had a mind of my own and was a non-conformist as far back as secondary school & university anyway ) I know that;

1. I want to love and be loved.

2. I'm not crazy about having kids of my own. The thought of it exhausts me, more than it excites me.

3. I want a man who understands that even though we may be married, we do not lose ourselves or individuality. On point 3, the lyrics from one of Neyo's says songs comes to mind - I'm a movement by myself but we are a force when we are together.

4. I want companionship, good and authentic companionship with lots of quality time with my man, like just cuddling him in front of the TV, while we watch our favourite programs and me running my hands over his bare chest, occasionally massaging his neck and shoulders. I don't think you love love more than me o especially when the feeling is mutual.

5. I want a married life experience where he'll be my baby and I'll be his. We will be two adults just taking care of each other and doing the good we can in our community and to the people in our lives and space (whether we know them personally or not)

Younger me may have gotten married simply because;

1. My suitor was good looking, he wanted it and was mounting the pressure like kilode?

2. The so called society expected it of me as a woman and......

3. Who knows I may have been one of your case studies today if not divorced sef

Older me has the presence of mind to make well thought out decisions on the basis of my self awareness. Decisions that help rather than hurt me, in the short or long run.

I'm good. I hope you are too.

what a beautiful sweet romantic life u paint here.... few will get this for a long time.