₦airaland Forum

You need to deeply reflect on whether you love and care for yourself. if you do, pack your things and live that house immediately. In the UK, more than 30,000 women were killed by their partners in 2017( I couldn't find the figures for last year). The problem is so bad that if your husband were living here right now and you reported that he said he will kill you, he will go to jail and will eventually be sent to prison for a long time. Just for saying he will kill you.
Research shows that men who threaten to kill their spouse, usually go ahead and kill them in the future.
If 30,000 women were killed by their partners in the UK, a country of 70milion people, you can imagine how many women are killed by their partners in Nigeria, a country of 216million people.

I know it is easy for those around you to allay your fears and tell you he is just talking out of anger and won't harm you. You may also justify his behaviour for one reason or the other. That was why I started off by asking you to deeply reflect on whether you love and care for yourself.
When someone threatens you with your life, they know exactly what they are doing. They are also capable of killing. Each of them without exception will kill under the right trigger. They understand the value of human life. They know that taking a human life is the ultimate worst thing you can do to someone. So when someone threatens you with your life, run. Run! Run! It doesn't matter what you did or did not do to the person. Run! Else, he will kill you someday.

Pinkie2018:
Please I have a problem in my marriage. I need advice. Pls no insult.
I got married 2020 and did the court Marriage last month. My husband has been a wonderful husband and by God's grace I have been a wonderful wife and a mother. We have one child.
The issue I'm having in my marriage is anger management. When ever my husband gets angry, he says all sorts of things to me, like leave my house, you are a bad wife, different sorts of insults of which whenever we reconcile he apologizes sometimes.
He's the type that no matter the good things you do, once he gets annoyed, he abuse you verbally of which really hurts me. Last month we had an argument that resulted to a fight, her beat me like his fellow man and locked me out and ask me to leave his house. Neighbors intervened and we settled.
Something happened today. He came back home around 2.am this morning instead of the usual 11-12pm he usually arrive home. I wasn't happy, he tried to explain but I knew he was lying because my sister in-law already called one of his friends before he came back. So I wasn't happy with him but I didn't make trouble with him. So this morning I drank aju mbaise and hot drink on empty stomach, so it was affecting me and making me want to faint. So it happened that he was giving me money for something this morning but I felt like fainting so I threw the money on the floor and quickly fell on the bed. After few minutes, I regained myself and got up, all the while my husband never cared to know what the problem was. I got up and asked him for the money, he started shouting and insulting me that why will I trow money on the floor for him. I tried to explain to him what Happened, he never cared to listen. He started insulting me, saying I will leave his house, that he can't continue with the marriage, that he will kill me. Note, it's not the first time he has threatened to kill me. I don't know what to do. His family members have talked to him about this his attitude about marriage but he gets worse. Pls I need advice because this his "leave my house" and threat all the time is too much. Little issue that couples have and settle, my husband always make it a big deal. If he annoys me and I get annoyed and refuse to talk to him, he will vex and start insulting me and threatening me. Pls I need your advice, what do you think I should do? how can I change him because I don't want my marriage to crash?, we have a daughter and u wouldn't want her to grow in a divided home. Thanks

I don't understand you. So she should become a slave and have no opinion because her husband is her head? I don't know where you learned that. That is clearly not what the scripture teaches. She is a full person/human just like her husband. She has been given the right by her creator to have an opinion and to share that opinion with the man she has chosen to spend her life. In fact, her husband is the number one person she should be sharing her views/opinion with. Unfortunately you guys in Nigeria call it argument.

A husband has an opinion. The wife has an alternative opinion which she airs. It is the responsibility of the husband to listen attentively to his wife's opinion. Hers may be the better viewpoint. Even when it is not, he is accountable to his Creator to listen and then explain why they both should follow his own view. That is how you make for peace in a relationship. It is a different thing where she insists that her opinion must hold sway. That is why you look carefully before you marry, or like some of us, you stay single until you find the right one.

Threatening to kill a woman will send you to jail in the developed world and you will eventually go to prison for a very long time and when you eventually come out, you will only be able to get and do menial jobs for the rest of your life. Your wife has a right to an opinion different from yours and you owe her a responsibility to listen, dissect and examine her opinion methodically. When a woman loves a man, her views are usually more correct and successful. They were moulded to be "helpers".

CYBERSOLDIERSre:
Madam, stop arguing with your husband. He's the head ...

Men, all of them won't tolerate arguments fromm their wives.

I think you should help yourself and leave. Same thing happened with me, each time we have issues, my husband asks me to leave his house, before I come back from work, he would change the door locks and I would be outside with my kids and sometimes running to my sister's place to sleep.
The last time he tried it again, I simply left and went to rent a house. 6 months later he's begging me to come back.

For those saying she is troublesome, you have not met a troublesome man. My husband whenever we have issues and I refuse to fuel the conversation, would keep insisting that I must talk and when I refuse to reply in order not to provoke him, even telling him that if I open my mouth to comment he would not like what will come out, will still throw me out for refusing to join in the quarrel.

Please leave, when he throws you out just leave and not come back. I left without a single thing, even with 2 kids and today he's the one bringing our clothes in batches, it would help to restore his brain to factory settings.

Ishilove:
See the rubbish you have written. So aju mbaise is for 'highness'?

Pinkie2018, please ignore this crap

Then why did she pass out.
Or you don't know the meaning of "pass out"

Pinkie2018:
I just tire. We courted for a year plus before marriage. He has this attitude of 'if you are tired pack and go" which makes me wonder if he was really ready for marriage. But I'm just trying to make my marriage work. He doesn't understand that misunderstanding and quarrel is inevitable in marriage but how you manage it matters. Every little issue, insults and threats

Don't you at least worry about the mental health of your child who gets to hear her father constantly bully and insult her own mother, with the repeated attempts to throw her mother out of the house every time he gets angry?

Do you not see that not only is she being fed the wrong ideas about how to handle anger at a very young age, but she is also being filled daily with worry and anxiety that goes with her not knowing when the man will finally carry out this wish of his?

When that girl grows up, how much self-esteem do you expect her to have around men, coming from a home where her own father disrespected and insulted her own mother even in public? At least care for her and her future, please.

1Sharon:
You don't contribute financially that's why he disrespecting you like that. Seems you're completely dependent on him.

Don't even try that at all! Remember the case of Osinachi... She contributed all she could yet she ended up 6ft under. A toxic individual is a toxic individual no matter how you try to skate around that.

Blue86:
Which church do you attend together?

Go for counselling together there.
Or invite pastor and his wife to your home to counsel you both.

Wetin concern church and counseling?

It will be over, give it time.

Ruke1989:
The truth is that you are not working. If you were not a liability to him, he won't treat you that way.
Two, just like every dependent woman who cannot feed themselves or fend for themselves without sleeping with men or hooking a husband like tapeworm hooks the intestine, you will be ready to take beatings and even die in an abusive marriage than to separate because you are afraid to hustle and be financially independent......

Enough with the bullsheet reasoning for Pete's sake!

Have you all conveniently shelved the case of Osinachi who was even the breadwinner in her own home yet that turned out not enough to pacify her husband? She even had all boys for him but that didn't quell his anger.

A toxic person is simply that, a toxic person and there is nothing you can do to change such a person. Stop pretending the place of a woman in her marriage is as savior/messiah for what is a toxic broken man she knows as her husband.

NowisGod109:
Hmm..maybe you should pray

Pray for what exactly?

jify:
I think you should help yourself and leave. Same thing happened with me, each time we have issues, my husband asks me to leave his house, before I come back from work, he would change the door locks and I would be outside with my kids and sometimes running to my sister's place to sleep.
The last time he tried it again, I simply left and went to rent a house. 6 months later he's begging me to come back.

For those saying she is troublesome, you have not met a troublesome man. My husband whenever we have issues and I refuse to fuel the conversation, would keep insisting that I must talk and when I refuse to reply in order not to provoke him, even telling him that if I open my mouth to comment he would not like what will come out, will still throw me out for refusing to join in the quarrel.

Please leave, when he throws you out just leave and not come back. I left without a single thing, even with 2 kids and today he's the one bringing our clothes in batches, it would help to restore his brain to factory settings.

My dear thanks for this. You are a strong woman

I wish you wisdom and God's direction in charting the right course for your future.
As per his past actions, I have padlocked my mouth .

jify:
I think you should help yourself and leave. Same thing happened with me, each time we have issues, my husband asks me to leave his house, before I come back from work, he would change the door locks and I would be outside with my kids and sometimes running to my sister's place to sleep.
The last time he tried it again, I simply left and went to rent a house. 6 months later he's begging me to come back.

For those saying she is troublesome, you have not met a troublesome man. My husband whenever we have issues and I refuse to fuel the conversation, would keep insisting that I must talk and when I refuse to reply in order not to provoke him, even telling him that if I open my mouth to comment he would not like what will come out, will still throw me out for refusing to join in the quarrel.

Please leave, when he throws you out just leave and not come back. I left without a single thing, even with 2 kids and today he's the one bringing our clothes in batches, it would help to restore his brain to factory settings.

Please stop self medicating and go to a hospital, even if its a gen hospital. Do you know the side effects of aju mbaise mixed with hot? Do you know the right proportion of each that should be mixed? Do you even know for sure that the mixture works? Take ownership of your life and remember you have a daughter to live for!

Pinkie2018:
I understand that he hate that I threw the money but I think where there is love, he wasn't supposed to react in that manner. I tried to explain but he wasn't having it. Heaven knows I didn't intend to insult him but for the effect of the concoction I drank

Ur husband is a verbal abuser ,
Don’t talk when he is talking, don’t even reply him.
Don’t allow his words to get you.
Once he find out you don’t send what he says, he will look for another means to treat you.
Don’t try having another child, until you see a change in him

I only blame him for doing a court Marriage with you...as for you.. you deserve all that you are getting and more to come.. don't ask me why.

Pinkie2018:
I just tire. We courted for a year plus before marriage. He has this attitude of 'if you are tired pack and go" which makes me wonder if he was really ready for marriage. But I'm just trying to make my marriage work. He doesn't understand that misunderstanding and quarrel is inevitable in marriage but how you manage it matters. Every little issue, insults and threats

This particular post of yours sums it up..
You were the desperate one in that entanglement.. he didn't even hide his true colors but you were hell bent on answering Mrs.
Carry your cross kiddo..
Next!!!

Pinkie2018:
Please I have a problem in my marriage. I need advice. Pls no insult.
I got married 2020 and did the court Marriage last month. My husband has been a wonderful husband and by God's grace I have been a wonderful wife and a mother. We have one child.
The issue I'm having in my marriage is anger management. When ever my husband gets angry, he says all sorts of things to me, like leave my house, you are a bad wife, different sorts of insults of which whenever we reconcile he apologizes sometimes.
He's the type that no matter the good things you do, once he gets annoyed, he abuse you verbally of which really hurts me. Last month we had an argument that resulted to a fight, her beat me like his fellow man and locked me out and ask me to leave his house. Neighbors intervened and we settled.
Something happened today. He came back home around 2.am this morning instead of the usual 11-12pm he usually arrive home. I wasn't happy, he tried to explain but I knew he was lying because my sister in-law already called one of his friends before he came back. So I wasn't happy with him but I didn't make trouble with him. So this morning I drank aju mbaise and hot drink on empty stomach, so it was affecting me and making me want to faint. So it happened that he was giving me money for something this morning but I felt like fainting so I threw the money on the floor and quickly fell on the bed. After few minutes, I regained myself and got up, all the while my husband never cared to know what the problem was. I got up and asked him for the money, he started shouting and insulting me that why will I trow money on the floor for him. I tried to explain to him what Happened, he never cared to listen. He started insulting me, saying I will leave his house, that he can't continue with the marriage, that he will kill me. Note, it's not the first time he has threatened to kill me. I don't know what to do. His family members have talked to him about this his attitude about marriage but he gets worse. Pls I need advice because this his "leave my house" and threat all the time is too much. Little issue that couples have and settle, my husband always make it a big deal. If he annoys me and I get annoyed and refuse to talk to him, he will vex and start insulting me and threatening me. Pls I need your advice, what do you think I should do? how can I change him because I don't want my marriage to crash?, we have a daughter and u wouldn't want her to grow in a divided home. Thanks

I need to ask you a question

Is it that you do not want your marriage to crash
Or you don't want to be killed in that marriage

Well, he is a self made man and he believes that you have nothing to contribute to him except child bearing

I will advise you take time to I mean extra time to start studying him so that you can avoid issues that will trigger his anger

Most partners that have anger issues have to be studied by their partners to avoid rancours

Secondly and you have to humble yourself in all areas of your relationship with him

Your humbleness can break the madness of anger in him

This is just the second year of your marriage and meaning you still have a long way to go

Don't return or talk back to him when he is high, you can't tell what mood he is at that moment

bukatyne:
What makes your husband wonderful?

I can assure you it is because he pays the school fees, rent and buys bag of rice at home. Isn’t that wonderful enough?

1Sharon:
You don't contribute financially that's why he disrespecting you like that. Seems you're completely dependent on him.

She is a nagging liability.
She don't know how to hold her forte.
He married her cos his people are disturbing him and she was the readily available one.
He never loved her and will never do.
She don't have self worth.


She still don't have self worth.


There are many housewives who their husbands provide for 100% and their husbands love and cherish them.

pocohantas:
I can assure you it is because he pays the school fees, rent and buys bag of rice at home. Isn’t that wonderful enough?

Financial security and the taboo of being labelled a divorcee.

It's not easy being a Nigerian woman. Many odds.

you have married the antichrist himself.

even the devil will stay away from you

descarado:
Financial security and the taboo of being labelled a divorcee.

It's not easy being a Nigerian woman. Many odds.

Not easy at all sis. At this point, e suppose follow for 1000 ways to die.

To think some people would justify this madness. Locking ones partner out in the night? You no even send the insecurity? Coldhearted partners are dangerous because they don’t even know when to stop.

Make women dey try marry men whose hearts softens to them. Pharaoh sef no do reach this one. Tufiakwa!

cococandy:
So what makes him a good husband?

Does being wonderful negate fouls/imperfection

Treepower2000:
Then why did she pass out.
Or you don't know the meaning of "pass out"

So people only pass out from 'highness'?

Hmmmmmm.

pocohantas:
Not easy at all sis. At this point, e suppose follow for 1000 ways to die.

To think some people would justify this madness. Locking ones partner out in the night? You no even send the insecurity? Coldhearted partners are dangerous because they don’t even know when to stop.

Make women dey try marry men whose hearts softens to them. Pharaoh sef no do reach this one. Tufiakwa!

@bold:

100%

kayperry:
Does being wonderful negate fouls/imperfection

ROFLMAO


I am reminded of the 2012 crime/thriller movie THE ICEMAN by your comment here.

pocohantas:
I can assure you it is because he pays the school fees, rent and buys bag of rice at home. Isn’t that wonderful enough?

I honestly hope it is not.

bukatyne:
What makes your husband wonderful?

Op didnt posit they fight every day or every minute, there many things couples do to warrant such remark, besides wonderful does not denote Perfection.
There is no perfect husband anywhere, apparently the man lacks anger management, i still believe water can kill a raging fire

kayperry:
Op didnt posit they fight every day or every minute, there many things couples do to warrant such remark, besides wonderful does not denote Perfection.
There is no perfect husband anywhere, apparently the man lacks anger management, i still believe water can kill a raging fire

You either have an extremely low standard for a decent human being or you are a wicked person.

Or maybe both.

Read the OP again and tell me if anyone possessing the qualities above can be called 'wonderful'.

pocohantas:
Pharaoh sef no do reach this one. Tufiakwa!

Lol!

bukatyne:
You either have an extremely low standard for a decent human being or you are a wicked person.

Or maybe both.

Read the OP again and tell me if anyone possessing the qualities above can be called 'wonderful'.

Qualities of a man and his fouls are two different things, if he is intelligent, hardworking, resourceful, supportive, faithful and a provider .. is that not wonderful.
Don't you think we all have our sweet & bad sides, for the bad side violence is just the height of it buh however divorce should be the last option i.e other options must have been tried or exhausted.
Marriage is not something you enter & exist anytime, its more complicated because e don pass boyfriend & gurlfriend r/ship

pocohantas:
Not easy at all sis. At this point, e suppose follow for 1000 ways to die.

To think some people would justify this madness. Locking ones partner out in the night? You no even send the insecurity? Coldhearted partners are dangerous because they don’t even know when to stop.

Make women dey try marry men whose hearts softens to them. Pharaoh sef no do reach this one. Tufiakwa!

They do. If not many will not be dying inside marriage.

You see, some women do get it right. Many don't.
Some see plethora of men hanging around them begging, many don't.
Societal, religious and family pressure is high.
You are panicking and called "choosy", you just plunge head. Anything you see, you take.
Many want to run away. Even the financial independent ones.
But in a society where marriage is seen as the only achievement of ladies, once you call it quit, family( many) is on your neck, at work, ladies will start avoiding you, female friends will disappear, they will even tell your single female friends to run away from you.
Odds are against you. Go looking for a job in Nigeria with divorced tag, they will mess you up.
You end up bitter and resentful. Depression sets in. It's not easy. This is the reality.
Nigeria is still primitive. Patriarchy is the system here.
That's why it's good to look beyond the money.
As long as one look beyond money, it's hard to make a mistake.

This lady was attracted to the money. The signs that the man is a bully and abuser were all there but money blinded her. I don't have any advice for such people cos you are wasting your time. She will tanda there as long as he is paying the bills.
Even if she is taken to a hospital, she will still go back to him. She entered and now felt she has arrived and want to change him and if he resist, she will start nagging. What does she expect?
Patting or the man will change overnight?
Guy know she is there for the money that's why he is still the same after marriage.
Na death do they part. Its part of the vow anyway.
Goidluck to her.