₦airaland Forum

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Sir! Have you tried talking man to man with her pastor?
Since she's a devoted and serving member in her church, use her pastor. Mek dem tell am for unit say madam this one nor suppose be like this or call her for counselling. If you check now, her kingdom investment for church don pass investment for house.

Majority of the people advising the OP to divorced his wife are not married.

Dear OP, let divorce should be the last option, it's not an easy thing, the children are there to think about. Try out other options first, try having a private discussion with her by letting her know your feelings and the implications. Once some of my gender is earning more, they won't see the need of a man. Fear career women, ask if she still want the relationship. Your mental health is important, if you die tomorrow, she will move on with her life after two days mourning.

Some people doesn't know the value of what they have until they lose it

tomi4life:
So, I am not new to nairaland, I only created a new account so i can post and remain annonymous.

I am 35 and my wife is 29, we have been married for 6 years now, we have 2 children a boy and a girl.

I really have a problem with my wife and not sure what can be done to address, now I must be very honest am not sure there is anything I can do I just want to use the platform to vent my frustration.

My marriage has not been very good, lately myself and my wife leave like room mates and not lovers, despite the age difference between me and my wife she doesnt really respect me. For the 6 years we have been in marriage 3 things have caused all our fights: cooking, Sex and finance

My wife rarely cooks in the house, things around welfare are not taken seriously, actually in a week, my wife can cook for me just 1 time. She cooks for the children and baths for them daily, we also have a help who does alot of cooking. She rarely askes me what I will eat, honestly I always have to go to the kitchen to sort myself, sometimes I buy food outside from eateries and bucker. Sometimes when she cooks it usually very late 10pm. I have complained severally and what happen is she tries to change, after a week, we are back to the same state. My wife can do without cooking for me for weeks. It really really pains me cos am a foody and I knw hw my mum treats matters of food. she is this person that forms busy, either she is busy with work or some church activities, she always has an excuse. She goes to work only ones a weeks the remaining 4days are remote. To address this issue I now order soups from major restaurant outlets, An example is today easter sunday, I had to tell our maid to prepare rice for myself and the kids, cos my wife was in church, we all went to church but she decided to stay back, knowing fully well no food was prepared.

Sex: [/b]our sex life is very boring, when we got married we always fight about sex, cos anytime I ask for it she always complain she is tired, so what I now do is ask for it only sat morning, brethen this is only day I get sex. If I miss that day, it is still next week. We sleep in different rooms, she sleeps with the children in the master bedroom while I sleep alone in another room. I can tell most time she doesnt enjoy it and never ever askes for it, I always ask and initiate it. She just lays like a log, even kisses is a no no, except she is really on, which rarely happens.
[b]
Finance: I have always earned more than my wife, when we got married, I was earning 3 times what she was earning, but she changed jobs and got promoted severally and we were earning the same amount. she also does alot of side runs where she gets 200-300k monthly as side hustle, there was even a time she was earning more than I did. I dint let it bother me I continue to foot the entire house bills. 95% of the enitre house of comes from me, she only pays the maid , buys cooking gas and my sons diaper. Every other thing in the house is covered by me, house rent, school fees, project, all the bills. I give her 75k as food money monthly. I have continue to question her why I should give her food moeny if I still have to end up going out to eat. I think the only reason she sometime listens to me is cause i still provide the finances for the house. The time she was earning more I could see how she belittle some of my decisions. I just prayed to God, cos I noticed the respect was gone, when I talk to her about her role as a mum and mother to the home, she says she is working, she is busy, I mentioned to her that the money she works is for her, she doesnt share with the house, I have never asked her for it and am not against her working, she however should not neglect her responsibility as a mum. That my role as a father, God helping me is to provide, and this is why I work. I also noticed when I got a new job and my salary increased she kinda off felt jealous she didnt tell me but i noticed it, she began to aggressively look for jobs.


I really dont think we have that initmacy, we are just there, my wife cant come to tell me anything bothering her, she keeps to herself. Funny part is she is a very religious person, my wife will sleep with bible on her hand, wake up with bible pray and serve in various church unit, I however dont think she really understands what she reads. She also has a very bad temper sometimes when I raise certian issues, the ways she talks sometimes I have to hold back a response if not the whole thing will escalate. There are days I will raise certain issue up, the next things she mentions is " let just dissolve this marriage as it is not working" sometimes , I just refer her to her bible cos the utterances that come out of her mouth makes me doubt her understanding of Christianity.


I have never assaulted her, we have nt had any physically fight, what happens is most times when we have issues, I dont speak to her for days, then she come back apologizing. Sometimes when am wrong I also apologies.

Am not saying am perfect, I know there are areas I can do better, like in the buying off gift, I rarely buy her gift, not cause I cant but Cos she earns well and I believe she should buy whatever she needs with her money my wife earns approximately 800k monthy.


I expect my wife will support me but it like she is stressing me. when we go see my parent or our parent, it is all smiles, they dont knw hw stressful their daughter is, she even forms trying to serve me food and all.

Dont get me wrong she has some good side, but this thing is really getting into me. I dont drink, smoke or womanise, divorce is also not on the table for me.

please was there courtship at all? Didn't you notice any of these attitudes then? Or you she will change?

tomi4life:
So, I am not new to nairaland, I only created a new account so i can post and remain annonymous.

I am 35 and my wife is 29, we have been married for 6 years now, we have 2 children a boy and a girl.

I really have a problem with my wife and not sure what can be done to address, now I must be very honest am not sure there is anything I can do I just want to use the platform to vent my frustration.

My marriage has not been very good, lately myself and my wife leave like room mates and not lovers, despite the age difference between me and my wife she doesnt really respect me. For the 6 years we have been in marriage 3 things have caused all our fights: cooking, Sex and finance

My wife rarely cooks in the house, things around welfare are not taken seriously, actually in a week, my wife can cook for me just 1 time. She cooks for the children and baths for them daily, we also have a help who does alot of cooking. She rarely askes me what I will eat, honestly I always have to go to the kitchen to sort myself, sometimes I buy food outside from eateries and bucker. Sometimes when she cooks it usually very late 10pm. I have complained severally and what happen is she tries to change, after a week, we are back to the same state. My wife can do without cooking for me for weeks. It really really pains me cos am a foody and I knw hw my mum treats matters of food. she is this person that forms busy, either she is busy with work or some church activities, she always has an excuse. She goes to work only ones a weeks the remaining 4days are remote. To address this issue I now order soups from major restaurant outlets, An example is today easter sunday, I had to tell our maid to prepare rice for myself and the kids, cos my wife was in church, we all went to church but she decided to stay back, knowing fully well no food was prepared.

Sex: [/b]our sex life is very boring, when we got married we always fight about sex, cos anytime I ask for it she always complain she is tired, so what I now do is ask for it only sat morning, brethen this is only day I get sex. If I miss that day, it is still next week. We sleep in different rooms, she sleeps with the children in the master bedroom while I sleep alone in another room. I can tell most time she doesnt enjoy it and never ever askes for it, I always ask and initiate it. She just lays like a log, even kisses is a no no, except she is really on, which rarely happens.
[b]
Finance: I have always earned more than my wife, when we got married, I was earning 3 times what she was earning, but she changed jobs and got promoted severally and we were earning the same amount. she also does alot of side runs where she gets 200-300k monthly as side hustle, there was even a time she was earning more than I did. I dint let it bother me I continue to foot the entire house bills. 95% of the enitre house of comes from me, she only pays the maid , buys cooking gas and my sons diaper. Every other thing in the house is covered by me, house rent, school fees, project, all the bills. I give her 75k as food money monthly. I have continue to question her why I should give her food moeny if I still have to end up going out to eat. I think the only reason she sometime listens to me is cause i still provide the finances for the house. The time she was earning more I could see how she belittle some of my decisions. I just prayed to God, cos I noticed the respect was gone, when I talk to her about her role as a mum and mother to the home, she says she is working, she is busy, I mentioned to her that the money she works is for her, she doesnt share with the house, I have never asked her for it and am not against her working, she however should not neglect her responsibility as a mum. That my role as a father, God helping me is to provide, and this is why I work. I also noticed when I got a new job and my salary increased she kinda off felt jealous she didnt tell me but i noticed it, she began to aggressively look for jobs.


I really dont think we have that initmacy, we are just there, my wife cant come to tell me anything bothering her, she keeps to herself. Funny part is she is a very religious person, my wife will sleep with bible on her hand, wake up with bible pray and serve in various church unit, I however dont think she really understands what she reads. She also has a very bad temper sometimes when I raise certian issues, the ways she talks sometimes I have to hold back a response if not the whole thing will escalate. There are days I will raise certain issue up, the next things she mentions is " let just dissolve this marriage as it is not working" sometimes , I just refer her to her bible cos the utterances that come out of her mouth makes me doubt her understanding of Christianity.


I have never assaulted her, we have nt had any physically fight, what happens is most times when we have issues, I dont speak to her for days, then she come back apologizing. Sometimes when am wrong I also apologies.

Am not saying am perfect, I know there are areas I can do better, like in the buying off gift, I rarely buy her gift, not cause I cant but Cos she earns well and I believe she should buy whatever she needs with her money my wife earns approximately 800k monthy.


I expect my wife will support me but it like she is stressing me. when we go see my parent or our parent, it is all smiles, they dont knw hw stressful their daughter is, she even forms trying to serve me food and all.

Dont get me wrong she has some good side, but this thing is really getting into me. I dont drink, smoke or womanise, divorce is also not on the table for me.

There are a lot of things your wife doesn't like about you and it seems she knew those things before you guys got married but she just had to marry you for marrying sake maybe cos you pestered her a lot.



This is why I dont advice guys to marry ladies below 27yrs.



You married your wife when she was 23 so she didn't enjoy her girlie period much and she jumped into wifely and mummy roles which killed her joy side.



The truth is, she has falling out of love with you completely and she is wishing you were a kind of man or men she probably sees in her Church or workplace or on TV lol.





Its an unfortunate situation.


Guys stop marrying girls, marry ladies.

Bros, you are living with a competitor and not a life partner.

Stop playing a support role, instead of a leading role.

Report her to someone so people should know what you're going through.

tomi4life:
So, I am not new to nairaland, I only created a new account so i can post and remain annonymous.

I am 35 and my wife is 29, we have been married for 6 years now, we have 2 children a boy and a girl.

I really have a problem with my wife and not sure what can be done to address, now I must be very honest am not sure there is anything I can do I just want to use the platform to vent my frustration.

My marriage has not been very good, lately myself and my wife leave like room mates and not lovers, despite the age difference between me and my wife she doesnt really respect me. For the 6 years we have been in marriage 3 things have caused all our fights: cooking, Sex and finance

My wife rarely cooks in the house, things around welfare are not taken seriously, actually in a week, my wife can cook for me just 1 time. She cooks for the children and baths for them daily, we also have a help who does alot of cooking. She rarely askes me what I will eat, honestly I always have to go to the kitchen to sort myself, sometimes I buy food outside from eateries and bucker. Sometimes when she cooks it usually very late 10pm. I have complained severally and what happen is she tries to change, after a week, we are back to the same state. My wife can do without cooking for me for weeks. It really really pains me cos am a foody and I knw hw my mum treats matters of food. she is this person that forms busy, either she is busy with work or some church activities, she always has an excuse. She goes to work only ones a weeks the remaining 4days are remote. To address this issue I now order soups from major restaurant outlets, An example is today easter sunday, I had to tell our maid to prepare rice for myself and the kids, cos my wife was in church, we all went to church but she decided to stay back, knowing fully well no food was prepared.

Sex: [/b]our sex life is very boring, when we got married we always fight about sex, cos anytime I ask for it she always complain she is tired, so what I now do is ask for it only sat morning, brethen this is only day I get sex. If I miss that day, it is still next week. We sleep in different rooms, she sleeps with the children in the master bedroom while I sleep alone in another room. I can tell most time she doesnt enjoy it and never ever askes for it, I always ask and initiate it. She just lays like a log, even kisses is a no no, except she is really on, which rarely happens.
[b]
Finance: I have always earned more than my wife, when we got married, I was earning 3 times what she was earning, but she changed jobs and got promoted severally and we were earning the same amount. she also does alot of side runs where she gets 200-300k monthly as side hustle, there was even a time she was earning more than I did. I dint let it bother me I continue to foot the entire house bills. 95% of the enitre house of comes from me, she only pays the maid , buys cooking gas and my sons diaper. Every other thing in the house is covered by me, house rent, school fees, project, all the bills. I give her 75k as food money monthly. I have continue to question her why I should give her food moeny if I still have to end up going out to eat. I think the only reason she sometime listens to me is cause i still provide the finances for the house. The time she was earning more I could see how she belittle some of my decisions. I just prayed to God, cos I noticed the respect was gone, when I talk to her about her role as a mum and mother to the home, she says she is working, she is busy, I mentioned to her that the money she works is for her, she doesnt share with the house, I have never asked her for it and am not against her working, she however should not neglect her responsibility as a mum. That my role as a father, God helping me is to provide, and this is why I work. I also noticed when I got a new job and my salary increased she kinda off felt jealous she didnt tell me but i noticed it, she began to aggressively look for jobs.


I really dont think we have that initmacy, we are just there, my wife cant come to tell me anything bothering her, she keeps to herself. Funny part is she is a very religious person, my wife will sleep with bible on her hand, wake up with bible pray and serve in various church unit, I however dont think she really understands what she reads. She also has a very bad temper sometimes when I raise certian issues, the ways she talks sometimes I have to hold back a response if not the whole thing will escalate. There are days I will raise certain issue up, the next things she mentions is " let just dissolve this marriage as it is not working" sometimes , I just refer her to her bible cos the utterances that come out of her mouth makes me doubt her understanding of Christianity.


I have never assaulted her, we have nt had any physically fight, what happens is most times when we have issues, I dont speak to her for days, then she come back apologizing. Sometimes when am wrong I also apologies.

Am not saying am perfect, I know there are areas I can do better, like in the buying off gift, I rarely buy her gift, not cause I cant but Cos she earns well and I believe she should buy whatever she needs with her money my wife earns approximately 800k monthy.


I expect my wife will support me but it like she is stressing me. when we go see my parent or our parent, it is all smiles, they dont knw hw stressful their daughter is, she even forms trying to serve me food and all.

Dont get me wrong she has some good side, but this thing is really getting into me. I dont drink, smoke or womanise, divorce is also not on the table for me.

Here to read comments and take notes.
Nice one guys.

tomi4life:
So, I am not new to nairaland, I only created a new account so i can post and remain annonymous.

I am 35 and my wife is 29, we have been married for 6 years now, we have 2 children a boy and a girl.

I really have a problem with my wife and not sure what can be done to address, now I must be very honest am not sure there is anything I can do I just want to use the platform to vent my frustration.

My marriage has not been very good, lately myself and my wife leave like room mates and not lovers, despite the age difference between me and my wife she doesnt really respect me. For the 6 years we have been in marriage 3 things have caused all our fights: cooking, Sex and finance

My wife rarely cooks in the house, things around welfare are not taken seriously, actually in a week, my wife can cook for me just 1 time. She cooks for the children and baths for them daily, we also have a help who does alot of cooking. She rarely askes me what I will eat, honestly I always have to go to the kitchen to sort myself, sometimes I buy food outside from eateries and bucker. Sometimes when she cooks it usually very late 10pm. I have complained severally and what happen is she tries to change, after a week, we are back to the same state. My wife can do without cooking for me for weeks. It really really pains me cos am a foody and I knw hw my mum treats matters of food. she is this person that forms busy, either she is busy with work or some church activities, she always has an excuse. She goes to work only ones a weeks the remaining 4days are remote. To address this issue I now order soups from major restaurant outlets, An example is today easter sunday, I had to tell our maid to prepare rice for myself and the kids, cos my wife was in church, we all went to church but she decided to stay back, knowing fully well no food was prepared.

Sex: [/b]our sex life is very boring, when we got married we always fight about sex, cos anytime I ask for it she always complain she is tired, so what I now do is ask for it only sat morning, brethen this is only day I get sex. If I miss that day, it is still next week. We sleep in different rooms, she sleeps with the children in the master bedroom while I sleep alone in another room. I can tell most time she doesnt enjoy it and never ever askes for it, I always ask and initiate it. She just lays like a log, even kisses is a no no, except she is really on, which rarely happens.
[b]
Finance: I have always earned more than my wife, when we got married, I was earning 3 times what she was earning, but she changed jobs and got promoted severally and we were earning the same amount. she also does alot of side runs where she gets 200-300k monthly as side hustle, there was even a time she was earning more than I did. I dint let it bother me I continue to foot the entire house bills. 95% of the enitre house of comes from me, she only pays the maid , buys cooking gas and my sons diaper. Every other thing in the house is covered by me, house rent, school fees, project, all the bills. I give her 75k as food money monthly. I have continue to question her why I should give her food moeny if I still have to end up going out to eat. I think the only reason she sometime listens to me is cause i still provide the finances for the house. The time she was earning more I could see how she belittle some of my decisions. I just prayed to God, cos I noticed the respect was gone, when I talk to her about her role as a mum and mother to the home, she says she is working, she is busy, I mentioned to her that the money she works is for her, she doesnt share with the house, I have never asked her for it and am not against her working, she however should not neglect her responsibility as a mum. That my role as a father, God helping me is to provide, and this is why I work. I also noticed when I got a new job and my salary increased she kinda off felt jealous she didnt tell me but i noticed it, she began to aggressively look for jobs.


I really dont think we have that initmacy, we are just there, my wife cant come to tell me anything bothering her, she keeps to herself. Funny part is she is a very religious person, my wife will sleep with bible on her hand, wake up with bible pray and serve in various church unit, I however dont think she really understands what she reads. She also has a very bad temper sometimes when I raise certian issues, the ways she talks sometimes I have to hold back a response if not the whole thing will escalate. There are days I will raise certain issue up, the next things she mentions is " let just dissolve this marriage as it is not working" sometimes , I just refer her to her bible cos the utterances that come out of her mouth makes me doubt her understanding of Christianity.


I have never assaulted her, we have nt had any physically fight, what happens is most times when we have issues, I dont speak to her for days, then she come back apologizing. Sometimes when am wrong I also apologies.

Am not saying am perfect, I know there are areas I can do better, like in the buying off gift, I rarely buy her gift, not cause I cant but Cos she earns well and I believe she should buy whatever she needs with her money my wife earns approximately 800k monthy.


I expect my wife will support me but it like she is stressing me. when we go see my parent or our parent, it is all smiles, they dont knw hw stressful their daughter is, she even forms trying to serve me food and all.

Dont get me wrong she has some good side, but this thing is really getting into me. I dont drink, smoke or womanise, divorce is also not on the table for me.

TL;DR

To put mouth for una matter hard
May God help you.

ravensckar:
■ The 'thumbscrew' in that context refers to a person's inner dynamics (what moves him, what motivates him, what appeals to him, etc). Discover it and you can take the initiative. This concept is very well applicable in negotiation, dispute resolution and almost every human interaction. Robert Greene even wrote about it in his books (48 Laws of Power, 33 Strategies of War, Art of Seduction, Laws of Human Nature & 50th Law). Of course you wouldn't know this because you're too busy jumping from thread to thread spewing 'beautiful nonsense'.

Lastly, whilst I'm tempted to engage you this early morning but then I'm constrained by the words of Abraham Lincoln which says; He who knows not, but knows not that he knows not is a fool, shun him'.

Do enjoy the rest of your day! Do not dare quote me again unless you want me to consign you to the cesspit of oblivion. This time around, I'll finish you patapata.

1. You explained to us in your own words that you used your wife's fear of loosing her marriage to manipulate her into doing your bidding in the marriage. Essentially imforming us that what you have is a union that is to the whims of you and not both individuals in the marriage thanks to your tactics. And you want us to believe what you have is what amounts to a thriving union that others should emulate?

Shams4real76:
Bros, you are living with a competitor and not a life partner.

Stop playing a support role, instead of a leading role.

Report her to someone so people should know what you're going through.

This is what I found most troubling.
Most normal wives want their husbands to excel and fly higher than them. In fact good wives pray for their husbands to excel.
This one is instead jealous of her husband's success, and competing with him.
This is a BAD wife. But the situation is not helpless.

@OP, if she doesn't want you to earn more than her, it means that she doesn't want to submit to you.
Take some time off to mentally prepare for a decisive showdown.
You can prepare for the showdown by first assuming that your marriage has ended, or at least a toss-up.
De-program yourself, and assume you will marry someone else soon. That way, you leave no mental space for her if your next move fails.
We married people make daily sacrifices by reserving our mental spaces for our beloved spouses. It is a DELIBERATE action.
You don't have to do it, but you do it because your spouse deserves it.
When mentally ready, call her, sit her down and tell her that she must repent (she knows what the Bible says about women submitting to their husbands), failing which you walk.
Living with such a competitive CLOSE relation is dangerous.

Kobojunkie:
1. You explained to us in your own words that you used your wife's fear of loosing her marriage to manipulate her into doing your bidding in the marriage. Essentially imforming us that what you have is a union that is to the whims of you and not both individuals in the marriage thanks to your tactics. And you want us to believe what you have is what amounts to a thriving union that others should emulate?

Dale Carnegie once said; 'He who cannot reason is a FOOL, he who will not reason is a BIGOT, he who dare not reason is a SLAVE'.

Unless you were born with an inherent stupidity, there's no way that my explanation of 'thumbscrew' wouldn't suffice. Perhaps, it's because you're so bigoted that you merely argue for argument sake. Hence there's no basis for this unwarranted back & forth cherry picking of words. A person shared his problem, you offered your 'textbook advice' freely. I offered mine which was borne out of experience. Whilst I didn't attack yours, you jumped on my mentions like a rabid dog to start spewing gibberish. In case you have forgotten, I don't owe you the responsibility of enlightening you. That was your parents' duty and since they failed at it, then, I guess you'll remain an insufferable moro.n for life!

Besides, it seems like an armchair critic like you with itchy fingers actually derive pleasure in combating people's opinion. A typical feature of Internet trolls. Let me warn you again for the second time this morning, I don't do well with trolls. I can be decorous for as long as I can maintain my resolve. Do not test me!

It has become crystal clear that being cynical is your speciality. However, I'm a little busy at the moment and I don't have the luxury of time to bandy words with an Internet troll. I'll leave you with the Biblical verse that says; 'Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself'. Proverbs 26 verse 4.


Get Lost!

Nigerfine3:
She scored you low in SEX and sex life. Young folks always think girls are doing men favor with sex, no, they want sex more than men!
Do not take her in her religious sex manner, treat her with gift, little outing like suya, bring her back home and Bleep her like a man on the street not like a brother pastor. She would always ask for more.
If you don't know what I explain, mail me, I will tell you how to work on her.

These unmarried kids always think marriage is all about sex

2 strangers living togther

And u divorce is not on ur table

U no get option oo but u go continue to live like 2 strange bird fellow

No advise go work if u no take action

Worriedwife:
She is 29 nd you two hav been married for 6 yrs
She also has money now. She is beginning to realise u are not the man she would have married if she knew better. U either brush up urself or separate. She has been toleratin u and has no need to anymore

U can live like flatmates if you have mind to do that. Ignore her existence. If you meet a better lady, move on with your life

Apt. Words of Wisdom

Kobojunkie:
1. So the summary here is you felt she was trying to pull your "thumbscrews", which didn't sit well with you as you preferred it had to be you doing that to her instead. So you found a way to pull her "thumbscrews" instead, and are here to tell us that you are better than her as a result? And we are supposed to believe this marriage of yours is an example of a thriving marriage at that? WOW!

It reads a lot like a marriage between two enemies to me.

I don't agree with your assessment of this. In marriage, ego clashes, and different stuff crop up. And this is when the "art" comes in. This will ensure that only love overrules at critical times, not ego.

You are not saying everything OP…that part you didn’t say is the most important and reason why she is behaving as such.

ravensckar:
Mr. OP, first of all, I sympathize with you on what you're going through in your marriage. May the Almighty God take absolute control.

Secondly, what you mentioned that your wife is doing to you is typical of most Nigerian women. Withholding sex, not cooking or showing you attention. It's their oldest control mechanism to keep their man in check. It's just that your wife took hers too far. Funny enough, there's not a single man in Nigeria whose wife didn't use these tactics on him, the smart ones always turn the tables and the weak ones always succumb. Kindly spend more time with your dad (if he's still around) or some of your guys who are married let them give you the OT.

My advice for you is simple; find your wife's thumbscrew and use it to counter attack (turn the table). I'll tell you a short story, hopefully, you can learn a thing or two from it. My wife for example, when she started her own 'kolomental' back then. She won't cook, she won't clean the house, she won't give her best during sex. It's always one complain or another. The most painful part of it was the food, every other thing I can bear. I sat her down and spoke to her, nothing changed. I sometimes don't eat at home just to express my displeasure. She didn't bulge, rather, she mocked me and told me that I'll die of hunger.
I reported to her parents, nothing changed.

Then, I spoke to my dad about it and he gave me the OT. I started chatting and receiving calls from one particular number. I began to spend quality time outside my house, she still didn't bulge. I took it to another level by subtly making her friends and family members become aware of my new lifestyle. Fear catch Hanty and she quickly surrendered. It was that moment I found her thumbscrew; my wife is very particular about other people's perception of her marriage. She hates to give others the impression that her marriage is going through something. She's that type of lady who doesn't want her friends, family or even the neighbours to ever think that her husband doesn't love her dearly. That was it, I found her thumbscrew and the dick measuring contest was won by me!

Since then, I now know what drives her, what motivates her and what unsettles her. For example, if I want her to knack very well. I'll stop over at her shop on my way back from work, buy her chop chop and we'll both be eating it outside. Gist with her outside, help her sell her stuff and be doing touch & do. You can be sure that night ehn, she will finish me on the bed. And in the same way, if she offends me and I want to treat her Bleep up, I'll just stop over at her shop with a frown on my face or attitude. Instantly, Hanty will start to dey beg.

In summary, every woman has a thumbscrew. Your job as a man is to figure out your wife's thumbscrew and use it to the fullest. If you do that, you'll change the dynamics. And in seduction, he who has the initiative has the power. You need to take that initiative!

PS- marriage, business, sports, & politics are ARTS. To succeed at it, one must learn the intricacies.

Cool. There's this Yoruba adage that says "na sobo meedogbon l'obinrin ni" transliterally put " women has 25 give it to monkey"i.e women have 25 tricks to tame/control/dominate their husbands. It's now the task of the man to overcome these tricks to be in control.

Tell her you want a divorce so both of you can have peace of mind.

ravensckar:
Mr. OP, first of all, I sympathize with you on what you're going through in your marriage. May the Almighty God take absolute control.

Secondly, what you mentioned that your wife is doing to you is typical of most Nigerian women. Withholding sex, not cooking or showing you attention. It's their oldest control mechanism to keep their man in check. It's just that your wife took hers too far. Funny enough, there's not a single man in Nigeria whose wife didn't use these tactics on him, the smart ones always turn the tables and the weak ones always succumb. Kindly spend more time with your dad (if he's still around) or some of your guys who are married let them give you the OT.

My advice for you is simple; find your wife's thumbscrew and use it to counter attack (turn the table). I'll tell you a short story, hopefully, you can learn a thing or two from it. My wife for example, when she started her own 'kolomental' back then. She won't cook, she won't clean the house, she won't give her best during sex. It's always one complain or another. The most painful part of it was the food, every other thing I can bear. I sat her down and spoke to her, nothing changed. I sometimes don't eat at home just to express my displeasure. She didn't bulge, rather, she mocked me and told me that I'll die of hunger.
I reported to her parents, nothing changed.

Then, I spoke to my dad about it and he gave me the OT. I started chatting and receiving calls from one particular number. I began to spend quality time outside my house, she still didn't bulge. I took it to another level by subtly making her friends and family members become aware of my new lifestyle. Fear catch Hanty and she quickly surrendered. It was that moment I found her thumbscrew; my wife is very particular about other people's perception of her marriage. She hates to give others the impression that her marriage is going through something. She's that type of lady who doesn't want her friends, family or even the neighbours to ever think that her husband doesn't love her dearly. That was it, I found her thumbscrew and the dick measuring contest was won by me!

Since then, I now know what drives her, what motivates her and what unsettles her. For example, if I want her to knack very well. I'll stop over at her shop on my way back from work, buy her chop chop and we'll both be eating it outside. Gist with her outside, help her sell her stuff and be doing touch & do. You can be sure that night ehn, she will finish me on the bed. And in the same way, if she offends me and I want to treat her Bleep up, I'll just stop over at her shop with a frown on my face or attitude. Instantly, Hanty will start to dey beg.

In summary, every woman has a thumbscrew. Your job as a man is to figure out your wife's thumbscrew and use it to the fullest. If you do that, you'll change the dynamics. And in seduction, he who has the initiative has the power. You need to take that initiative!

PS- marriage, business, sports, & politics are ARTS. To succeed at it, one must learn the intricacies.

All this just to stay married?
What you described right here if true is not marriage but emotional torture.
Goodluck sha.

Kobojunkie:
1. You are not being fair yourself. Does OP sound like one who is into his wife?

He wants the marriage to work that is why he has come to seek for advice. If he is not into her,he won't be sexually attracted to her and will be looking for a way out of the marriage. He may have some faults himself though. But all i see is a man that is ready to make amends.

Self improve


Make her see that you're more of value to her than she could ever imagine.



Go to the gym , sweat out those muscles .


Help out with the house chores.


Get a higher paying job or have more high paying investments.


Ignore your wife 90% of the time .


Try and make your wife jealous , it could be you flirting with your neighbor.

gaby:
Your marriage as you have portrayed and written about it here reeks highly of "a marriage of convenience" and one that is strongly lacking in true love.

Was she so good at hiding most of these traits she's exhibiting right now while you were dating or you just didn't take notice or simply refused to see them?

Were you the eating-out or take-out type during your courting days?

This could have been carried into the marriage by your wife.

Your story reads like you never even dated before marriage and could easily be themed "Married Strangers" by our Nollywood people.

A hard one to call and not a very pleasant experience to live through/with.

I wish you wisdom to handle this as whatever decision you settle for will either make/mar this marriage already tilting in the precipice.

Oga, dating your spouse before marriage doesn’t guarantee a happy home, even if you court for 10years, this your advice means one thing, you're not married.

Are you sure you didnt stole here from another nigga and she got disaptd and now shes full of regret?


find a way to live with it or better go your way than to die before your time. A living rat is better than a dead lion

olril17:
All this just to stay married?
What you described right here if true is not marriage but emotional torture.
Goodluck sha.

Son, what do you think marriage entails before? Free sex?

Why do you think people celebrate 10 years, 15 years, 20 and 30 years anniversary if it's not hard work? Of course you wouldn't know the difference between seduction and emotional torture. Better stick to calling hookup girls for paid se.x whenever you're horn.y!

thanks bro, divorce is not an option for me for different reasons:


1. The bible is against divorce, I dont want to disobey God
2. What people will say, we come from a spiritual background my parents and her parents are pastors, alot of people look unto us role model.
3. My children, I dont want to deny my children access to good parenting, I am someone who believes the role of a father and a mother is very critical in raising a child, my dad taught me many of the values i have imbibed today such as confident, financial discipline, hard work etc. Mum taught me to be patient, tolerant and have to empathize this balance is important. I enjoyed this while growing up and dont think it would be fair to deny my children the benefits.

I think me, she doesnt respect me that the issue. if I sit her down to talk, she goes on a defensive mode and gives all me attitude. I have told her lately she needs to watch her temperament, even the way she yells at the maid, my children, our guard is strange. Very little thing she flaws up for no reason. Sometimes the way she respond to me when I ctry to give her feedback, I have to tell her why she is raising her voice, I only asking her a question.

labake1:
Majority of the people advising the OP to divorced his wife are not married.

Dear OP, let divorce should be the last option, it's not an easy thing, the children are there to think about. Try out other options first, try having a private discussion with her by letting her know your feelings and the implications. Once some of my gender is earning more, they won't see the need of a man. Fear career women, ask if she still want the relationship. Your mental health is important, if you die tomorrow, she will move on with her life after two days mourning.

Some people doesn't know the value of what they have until they lose it

tomi4life:
So, I am not new to nairaland, I only created a new account so i can post and remain annonymous.

I am 35 and my wife is 29, we have been married for 6 years now, we have 2 children a boy and a girl. We didnt court much during our courtship because of long distance.

I really have a problem with my wife and not sure what can be done to address, now I must be very honest am not sure there is anything I can do I just want to use the platform to vent my frustration.

My marriage has not been very good, lately myself and my wife leave like room mates and not lovers, despite the age difference between me and my wife she doesnt really respect me. For the 6 years we have been in marriage 3 things have caused all our fights: cooking, Sex and finance

My wife rarely cooks in the house, things around welfare are not taken seriously, actually in a week, my wife can cook for me just 1 time. She cooks for the children and baths for them daily, we also have a help who does alot of cooking. She rarely askes me what I will eat, honestly I always have to go to the kitchen to sort myself, sometimes I buy food outside from eateries and bucker. Sometimes when she cooks it usually very late 10pm. I have complained severally and what happen is she tries to change, after a week, we are back to the same state. My wife can do without cooking for me for weeks. It really really pains me cos am a foody and I knw hw my mum treats matters of food. she is this person that forms busy, either she is busy with work or some church activities, she always has an excuse. She goes to work only ones a weeks the remaining 4days are remote. To address this issue I now order soups from major restaurant outlets, An example is today easter sunday, I had to tell our maid to prepare rice for myself and the kids, cos my wife was in church, we all went to church but she decided to stay back, knowing fully well no food was prepared.

Sex: [/b]our sex life is very boring, when we got married we always fight about sex, cos anytime I ask for it she always complain she is tired, so what I now do is ask for it only sat morning, brethen this is only day I get sex. If I miss that day, it is still next week. We sleep in different rooms, she sleeps with the children in the master bedroom while I sleep alone in another room. I can tell most time she doesnt enjoy it and never ever askes for it, I always ask and initiate it. She just lays like a log, even kisses is a no no, except she is really on, which rarely happens.
[b]
Finance: I have always earned more than my wife, when we got married, I was earning 3 times what she was earning, but she changed jobs and got promoted severally and we were earning the same amount. she also does alot of side runs where she gets 200-300k monthly as side hustle, there was even a time she was earning more than I did. I dint let it bother me I continue to foot the entire house bills. 95% of the enitre house of comes from me, she only pays the maid , buys cooking gas and my sons diaper. Every other thing in the house is covered by me, house rent, school fees, project, all the bills. I give her 75k as food money monthly. I have continue to question her why I should give her food moeny if I still have to end up going out to eat. I think the only reason she sometime listens to me is cause i still provide the finances for the house. The time she was earning more I could see how she belittle some of my decisions. I just prayed to God, cos I noticed the respect was gone, when I talk to her about her role as a mum and mother to the home, she says she is working, she is busy, I mentioned to her that the money she works is for her, she doesnt share with the house, I have never asked her for it and am not against her working, she however should not neglect her responsibility as a mum. That my role as a father, God helping me is to provide, and this is why I work. I also noticed when I got a new job and my salary increased she kinda off felt jealous she didnt tell me but i noticed it, she began to aggressively look for jobs.


I really dont think we have that initmacy, we are just there, my wife cant come to tell me anything bothering her, she keeps to herself. Funny part is she is a very religious person, my wife will sleep with bible on her hand, wake up with bible pray and serve in various church unit, I however dont think she really understands what she reads. She also has a very bad temper sometimes when I raise certian issues, the ways she talks sometimes I have to hold back a response if not the whole thing will escalate. There are days I will raise certain issue up, the next things she mentions is " let just dissolve this marriage as it is not working" sometimes , I just refer her to her bible cos the utterances that come out of her mouth makes me doubt her understanding of Christianity.


I have never assaulted her, we have nt had any physically fight, what happens is most times when we have issues, I dont speak to her for days, then she come back apologizing. Sometimes when am wrong I also apologies.

Am not saying am perfect, I know there are areas I can do better, like in the buying off gift, I rarely buy her gift, not cause I cant but Cos she earns well and I believe she should buy whatever she needs with her money my wife earns approximately 800k monthy.


I expect my wife will support me but it like she is stressing me. when we go see my parent or our parent, it is all smiles, they dont knw hw stressful their daughter is, she even forms trying to serve me food and all.

Dont get me wrong she has some good side, but this thing is really getting into me. I dont drink, smoke or womanise, divorce is also not on the table for me.

My brother, the notion of this is father and this is mother, this is what a father should do and this is what a mother do is no longer tenable in this modern age. Thank God your wife is hustling and making money. So therefore she can as well step in which she is already doing. Paying fess and doing bills is not doing anyone a favor. You are doing it for the family. Your family is benefiting, thats why you are making money in the first place.
Your sex life. Your wife is probably exhausted from her hustling efforts and keeping the home front. I am a house husband working remotely and hustling too. Kids are exhausting. Just take leave from work and stay with the kids full time. Na body go tell you. Add it to try to hustle. If you no run mad make i craze.
Sex is the last thing on her mind. You have to put her in the mood. Seduce her. Let your baby sleep with you while you cuddle your wife. Sleeping in different rooms would not help you. She is just tolerating the sex and not enjoying it, thats why she is like a log of wood. Women love sex and would always give it to you if she is happy and relaxed. You have to take some burden off from her, you have to help in the house. Stop demanding she cooks all the time. Try and do the cooking, try and look after the kids, try and create that partnership.
You mentioned you never bought gift for your wife. lol. Great mistake. I will advise you go and buy your wife gifts. During Val and her birthday, I bought my wife a powerful gift, she was so shocked with the gift that she rendered my manhood useless that night. This is a woman earning more than me. This is because, she works full time while I don't. So gifts are important.
Don't give her food money bro. Go to the market and buy foodstuff if you can. If not then give her money to buy. Cook if you can, feed your kids if you can, help your wife in her business if you can, help yourself with the food in the kitchen if you can. Pay the rent and fees if you can. If you cannot, please tell your wife to pay the rent and fees. If she refuses, then na she go face landlord, na she go face her kids being kicked out from school. When she realizes this she would pay.

Flamezreal:
Cool. There's this Yoruba adage that says "na sobo meedogbon l'obinrin ni" transliterally put " women has 25 give it to monkey"i.e women have 25 tricks to tame/control/dominate their husbands. It's now the task of the man to overcome these tricks to be in control.

Help me tell all these small small boys who see marriage as Indian movies; singing, dancing, touching and all lovey-dovey.

They probably don't even know that 70% of those Indian actors & actresses are divorced.

Well, you don't tell a blind man that it's raining, when e start, himself go know. That's why you can easily tell when you see guys who received life trainings from their father. By the time Nigerian women show them shege, dem go learn by force

tomi4life:
thanks bro, divorce is not an option for me for different reasons:


1. The bible is against divorce, I dont want to disobey God
2. What people will say, we come from a spiritual background my parents and her parents are pastors, alot of people look unto us role model.
3. My children, I dont want to deny my children access to good parenting, I am someone who believes the role of a father and a mother is very critical is raising a child, my dad taught me many of the values i have imbibed such as confident, financial discipline, hard work etc. Mum taught me to be patient, tolerant, this balance is important. I enjoyed this while growing up and dont think it would be fair to deny my children the benefits

I think me, she doesnt respect me that the issue. if I sit her down to talk, she goes on a defensive mode and gives all me attitude. I have told her lately she needs to watch her temperament, even the way she yells at the maid, my children, our guard is strange. Very little thing she flaws up for no reason. Sometimes the way she respond to me when I ctry to give her feedback, I have to tell her why she is raising her voice, I only asking her a question.

she is snapping bro. because she is exhausted and to her wits end. Try and do the assignment I gave you. Stay with the kids for 1 month, cook, add hustle to it, add church to it. Then come back and give report. Her church activites is an avenue for her to let off steam. Finally, women see action more than sitting down to talk. Even if you sit down with woman talk finish na that thing wey dey her mind she go do. Anything wey you know wey good and wey go better the family just do am.

onumadu:
This is what I found most troubling.
Most normal wives want their husbands to excel and fly higher than them. In fact good wives pray for their husbands to excel.
This one is instead jealous of her husband's success, and competing with him.
This is a BAD wife. But the situation is not helpless.

@OP, if she doesn't want you to earn more than her, it means that she doesn't want to submit to you.
Take some time off to mentally prepare for a decisive showdown.
You can prepare for the showdown by first assuming that your marriage has ended, or at least a toss-up.
De-program yourself, and assume you will marry someone else soon. That way, you leave no mental space for her if your next move fails.
We married people make daily sacrifices by reserving our mental spaces for our beloved spouses. It is a DELIBERATE action.
You don't have to do it, but you do it because your spouse deserves it.
When mentally ready, call her, sit her down and tell her that she must repent (she knows what the Bible says about women submitting to their husbands), failing which you walk.
Living with such a competitive CLOSE relation is dangerous.

no. the wife is ambitious which is a good thing. The kids would enjoy her sweat. The Op might not even know what the wife is doing for the kids.

So pe OTILO…
she is already done with the marriage