QueenDima47: My childhood trauma affected me negatively. I had parents and still have but one who doesn't have is better than me. No love from them. No help from them not even uncle or any relative. Just survive if you want on your own. where will I start from. My parents never cared to know what I wanted And how they will help me. My mom is the worse. She talks about money money money. I talk to myself all the time. Thinking all the time. I have no confidence in my self. But God is my helper.
It's okay to talk to yourself. Actually, talking to oneself is a great sign of intelligence if I remember correctly. I talk a lot to myself by the way.
As for your parents, they probably got no love from their parents and that's why they are the way they are. Your mom's obsession with money is unhealthy and that too probably ties back to her past when she was probably extremely poor. Keep on striving to be better.
CuriousStudent: No one will admit it That child abuse in form of beating and coporal punishment has effectd on them. The passive aggression is something ruining everyone. The misogyny and the rest traces back to something. When violence is the only way of living,it traces back to abuse. Some people rarely use the magic word. Vulgar,swearing,slamming doors,banging tables,raising voices. Some(like myself) are conflict avoidant and ghost others as a means of survival/protecting our feelings instead of communication.
Comparing you to your siblings that do better. Parading you in the school for pooing on your body. And the rest. Belittling you or scolding you in public to prove to others that they are a disciplinarian or manipulation of everything about you just so your parents will not embarrassed in public.
I don't want to talk of boarding school. One girl almost sent me to my creator because the guy she liked was hitting on me.
But no,"beating made me who I am" . Who are you? If I may ask. A third world unattractive low earning hypocrite . Who are you? Some dirty misogynist dealing with scabbies and body odour and broke and still eating from mother pot or living in Shanties and squalors with mattress on the floor.
Or the hook up girls were not flogged?
Okay,I guess who you are is something great.you are not gay/lesbian,so that makes you "better"
[b] modified I recall an accident that made me realize most Nigerians are mentally unstable. I went to a restaurant with a coursemate to eat. He was frowning at some point and I inquired if all was well. Then he said ,"just look at them,they can will never cook but will be coming outside to eat. All these irresponsible girls". I asked if he was alright and he was like, "I just feel irritated when I see a lady eating outside when she should be cooking". Till today I struggle to come to terms with the fact that instead of eating your food in peace,and walking out,you will devote your time to evaluating and noticing others. The guy was "disturbed". Him and many others hold very strong opinions and expectations of others that owe them nothing and are quietly living their lives because someone must have subjected them to some high subjective standard. The cycle repeats itself
When I was in Nursery 3 or 2, I kind of remember someone being stripped naked for stealing and carried around the school grounds. I don't remember if it was a boy or girl, or what class he/she was in. I am not even sure if I made it all up in my head, but it is far too vivid to have been a mere childhood creation. If that sruff actually happened, then all I can say is
Unfortunately I never experience this. Neither did any of my friends all through my childhood. So are we normal Africans?
Hmm so should I say you were lucky to escape beating at home or unlucky to jam awon beaters in school?
Anyway the fact of the matter is that reason 90% of Nigerians are raging psychopaths is due to residual trauma via constant brutalisation by their caregivers from an early age.
It's okay to talk to yourself. Actually, talking to oneself is a great sign of intelligence if I remember correctly. I talk a lot to myself by the way.
As for your parents, they probably got no love from their parents and that's why they are the way they are. Your mom's obsession with money is unhealthy and that too probably ties back to her past when she was probably extremely poor. Keep on striving to be better.
omooba969: Waiting to read comments of those sexually abused.
Life needs to be lived; the world needs to be explored; the sense of self needs to be experienced and developed; the brain needs to be making connections and learning; the social being needs to be seen, relate to, valued, acknowledge.
None of that happens when the kid is living in survival mode.
Almost everything the child does or experiences is dominated by fear. Their view of the world will be always tainted by fear and insecurity.
Instead of curiosity, the child is hyperalert, monitoring to see whether those around will harm or abandon them.
Instead of learning, their brain will consume huge amounts of energy to check the environment, to imagine the worst, to avoid others, to monitor who or what could be a threat.
The future will be always connected to the past, to the worst, to the ugly experiences that hurt the child and made him feel out of place, lost, confused, scared, hopeless; never knowing why they react they way they do, or why their emotions are so intense; why people reject them or what is that they do that causes rejection.
The future of a child that grow safe and supported is open, full of possibilities. The future of a child that was traumatized because of lack of safety and/or support will be deprived of possibilities.
I'm not sure that I can describe 'all' the ways, but my experiences of childhood trauma have certainly mapped out my personality, emotions, situational reactions and who I am.
This could potentially be a very very long answer, instead of just a long one, so I will attempt to categorise my experiences and their legacy. All effects lasted into my early 20's in some way or other.
Neglect: due to the profound and continued neglect suffered throughout my childhood and teens I reacted in numerous ways. 1. I would lie constantly and make up stories for my peers that made it sound like I had a loving family and Happy life. 2. I would steal clothes, books, cd's etc. to make it look like I had things, or even to say I had received birthday/Christmas presents. 3. I vowed never to treat my own family and child(ren) this way.
Physical abuse: I was terrorised by my older sister who kicked, punched and abused me on a level far above that of sibling rivalry or 'normal' fights. Mum would also smack or hit us with a slipper when we had done wrong. This led to... 1. My being very quiet and lacking assertiveness. 2. Having feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and lack of confidence. I believed I deserved punishment. 3. Being cowardly and passing blame onto others to avoid punishment. 4. Allowing others to take advantage of my demeanour, then hating myself for being so weak.
Emotional abuse: similarly to physical, my sister could manipulate my emotions quite skilfully, and I constantly believed I was worthless. I was never told I was loved, or pretty, or clever etc. and had no emotional support. 1. I had no ambitions as I felt useless and pointless. 2. I craved attention either positive or negative, and had to be centre of attention. 3. I sought people I deemed weaker than I, and helped them, advised them and supported them as a way of feeling needed and worthy. 4. I became promiscuous as a way of harnessing affection and feeling loved/wanted, however false and brief the encounter. 5. I self harmed or feigned illness as a way of gaining sympathy from others.
Sexual abuse: I don't know when it started (presumably as a young child), but it didn't stop until I was in my twenties. I realise now that this has messed me up more than I knew, and continues to have a profound effect. 1. As previous, I became promiscuous and used sex as a way of control. It was entirely in my hands on who I gave it to, and what they got. I could take it away and have them at my mercy. 2. I attempted suicide twice. 3. I never enjoyed sex. It was a means to an end. I have never orgasmed. I don't like to be touched and physically recoil or stiffen when my man comes near me. We have been together for 6 years, and have not had sex in 5 yrs. 4. I have constant nightmares that my grandfather is trying to touch me. In the dreams I scream out, kick and punch him and tell everyone what he is doing/has done (something I could never do in real life).
Over and above these effects I have suffered differing forms of depression including post natal and PTSD. I have been bankrupt, lost our home and still have financial difficulties now. I have a number of flash backs which could have been triggered by trauma.
However, in contrast, I have pulled my life up from its depths and defied my upbringing. I returned to education and became a teacher at one point. I got pregnant as a result of my promiscuousity and had a son whom I adored and told him I loved him every day. I had therapy both for sexual abuse and to recognise the neglect and other systematic abuse, and come to terms with it. I recently cut my sister out of my life (which feels great!) and I have surrounded myself with people whom I love, and genuinely reciprocate.
The saddest part is that my son tragically died aged 3, but due to the inner strength I have built over the years, I made sure his memory was regailed and I founded a charity as a living memorial to him and his creative talents.
My life is full of so many positives, that it by far outweighs the negatives. The abuse, and my grief will always be a part of me, but my experiences have shaped who I am today, and I will not be held prisoner by my memories.
QueenDima47: My childhood trauma affected me negatively. I had parents and still have but one who doesn't have is better than me. No love from them. No help from them not even uncle or any relative. Just survive if you want on your own. where will I start from. My parents never cared to know what I wanted And how they will help me. My mom is the worse. She talks about money money money. I talk to myself all the time. Thinking all the time. I have no confidence in my self. But God is my helper.
CandidAdmin: I don't know what caused it but anytime I want to talk to the opposite sex, My heart starts to beat really fast. In short, I'm really shy in front of that gender but not that shy in front of my fellow men. Might be shy at first but after like a day or two, I'm over it.
lavylilly: I'm not sure that I can describe 'all' the ways, but my experiences of childhood trauma have certainly mapped out my personality, emotions, situational reactions and who I am.
This could potentially be a very very long answer, instead of just a long one, so I will attempt to categorise my experiences and their legacy. All effects lasted into my early 20's in some way or other.
Neglect: due to the profound and continued neglect suffered throughout my childhood and teens I reacted in numerous ways. 1. I would lie constantly and make up stories for my peers that made it sound like I had a loving family and Happy life. 2. I would steal clothes, books, cd's etc. to make it look like I had things, or even to say I had received birthday/Christmas presents. 3. I vowed never to treat my own family and child(ren) this way.
Physical abuse: I was terrorised by my older sister who kicked, punched and abused me on a level far above that of sibling rivalry or 'normal' fights. Mum would also smack or hit us with a slipper when we had done wrong. This led to... 1. My being very quiet and lacking assertiveness. 2. Having feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and lack of confidence. I believed I deserved punishment. 3. Being cowardly and passing blame onto others to avoid punishment. 4. Allowing others to take advantage of my demeanour, then hating myself for being so weak.
Emotional abuse: similarly to physical, my sister could manipulate my emotions quite skilfully, and I constantly believed I was worthless. I was never told I was loved, or pretty, or clever etc. and had no emotional support. 1. I had no ambitions as I felt useless and pointless. 2. I craved attention either positive or negative, and had to be centre of attention. 3. I sought people I deemed weaker than I, and helped them, advised them and supported them as a way of feeling needed and worthy. 4. I became promiscuous as a way of harnessing affection and feeling loved/wanted, however false and brief the encounter. 5. I self harmed or feigned illness as a way of gaining sympathy from others.
Sexual abuse: I don't know when it started (presumably as a young child), but it didn't stop until I was in my twenties. I realise now that this has messed me up more than I knew, and continues to have a profound effect. 1. As previous, I became promiscuous and used sex as a way of control. It was entirely in my hands on who I gave it to, and what they got. I could take it away and have them at my mercy. 2. I attempted suicide twice. 3. I never enjoyed sex. It was a means to an end. I have never orgasmed. I don't like to be touched and physically recoil or stiffen when my man comes near me. We have been together for 6 years, and have not had sex in 5 yrs. 4. I have constant nightmares that my grandfather is trying to touch me. In the dreams I scream out, kick and punch him and tell everyone what he is doing/has done (something I could never do in real life).
Over and above these effects I have suffered differing forms of depression including post natal and PTSD. I have been bankrupt, lost our home and still have financial difficulties now. I have a number of flash backs which could have been triggered by trauma.
However, in contrast, I have pulled my life up from its depths and defied my upbringing. I returned to education and became a teacher at one point. I got pregnant as a result of my promiscuousity and had a son whom I adored and told him I loved him every day. I had therapy both for sexual abuse and to recognise the neglect and other systematic abuse, and come to terms with it. I recently cut my sister out of my life (which feels great!) and I have surrounded myself with people whom I love, and genuinely reciprocate.
The saddest part is that my son tragically died aged 3, but due to the inner strength I have built over the years, I made sure his memory was regailed and I founded a charity as a living memorial to him and his creative talents.
My life is full of so many positives, that it by far outweighs the negatives. The abuse, and my grief will always be a part of me, but my experiences have shaped who I am today, and I will not be held prisoner by my memories.
Hmm so should I say you were lucky to escape beating at home or unlucky to jam awon beaters in school?
Anyway the fact of the matter is that reason 90% of Nigerians are raging psychopaths is due to residual trauma via constant brutalisation by their caregivers from an early age.
#stopbeatinginnocentchildren
This. Far too many Nigerians lack empathy and can't seem able to tell right from wrong.
lavylilly: I'm not sure that I can describe 'all' the ways, but my experiences of childhood trauma have certainly mapped out my personality, emotions, situational reactions and who I am.
This could potentially be a very very long answer, instead of just a long one, so I will attempt to categorise my experiences and their legacy. All effects lasted into my early 20's in some way or other.
Neglect: due to the profound and continued neglect suffered throughout my childhood and teens I reacted in numerous ways. 1. I would lie constantly and make up stories for my peers that made it sound like I had a loving family and Happy life. 2. I would steal clothes, books, cd's etc. to make it look like I had things, or even to say I had received birthday/Christmas presents. 3. I vowed never to treat my own family and child(ren) this way.
Physical abuse: I was terrorised by my older sister who kicked, punched and abused me on a level far above that of sibling rivalry or 'normal' fights. Mum would also smack or hit us with a slipper when we had done wrong. This led to... 1. My being very quiet and lacking assertiveness. 2. Having feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem and lack of confidence. I believed I deserved punishment. 3. Being cowardly and passing blame onto others to avoid punishment. 4. Allowing others to take advantage of my demeanour, then hating myself for being so weak.
Emotional abuse: similarly to physical, my sister could manipulate my emotions quite skilfully, and I constantly believed I was worthless. I was never told I was loved, or pretty, or clever etc. and had no emotional support. 1. I had no ambitions as I felt useless and pointless. 2. I craved attention either positive or negative, and had to be centre of attention. 3. I sought people I deemed weaker than I, and helped them, advised them and supported them as a way of feeling needed and worthy. 4. I became promiscuous as a way of harnessing affection and feeling loved/wanted, however false and brief the encounter. 5. I self harmed or feigned illness as a way of gaining sympathy from others.
Sexual abuse: I don't know when it started (presumably as a young child), but it didn't stop until I was in my twenties. I realise now that this has messed me up more than I knew, and continues to have a profound effect. 1. As previous, I became promiscuous and used sex as a way of control. It was entirely in my hands on who I gave it to, and what they got. I could take it away and have them at my mercy. 2. I attempted suicide twice. 3. I never enjoyed sex. It was a means to an end. I have never orgasmed. I don't like to be touched and physically recoil or stiffen when my man comes near me. We have been together for 6 years, and have not had sex in 5 yrs. 4. I have constant nightmares that my grandfather is trying to touch me. In the dreams I scream out, kick and punch him and tell everyone what he is doing/has done (something I could never do in real life).
Over and above these effects I have suffered differing forms of depression including post natal and PTSD. I have been bankrupt, lost our home and still have financial difficulties now. I have a number of flash backs which could have been triggered by trauma.
However, in contrast, I have pulled my life up from its depths and defied my upbringing. I returned to education and became a teacher at one point. I got pregnant as a result of my promiscuousity and had a son whom I adored and told him I loved him every day. I had therapy both for sexual abuse and to recognise the neglect and other systematic abuse, and come to terms with it. I recently cut my sister out of my life (which feels great!) and I have surrounded myself with people whom I love, and genuinely reciprocate.
The saddest part is that my son tragically died aged 3, but due to the inner strength I have built over the years, I made sure his memory was regailed and I founded a charity as a living memorial to him and his creative talents.
My life is full of so many positives, that it by far outweighs the negatives. The abuse, and my grief will always be a part of me, but my experiences have shaped who I am today, and I will not be held prisoner by my memories.
Jesus Christ in a frigin wheelbarrow!
I am so sorry about all you have been through, miss.
BigDawsNet: No trauma of any sort.. while I was young I choose to delete that "Chop and clean mouth" mentality... right now... if I met a lady... if we don't have relationship.. I can't think of asking her or seducing her for sex... have met many ladies in the journey of my life... some want sex benefits only, but I had to discharge dem because we ain't on same page... that made me lost couple of girls....
This is a very good thing. So positive. Wish many men could emulate this. Unfortunately, many of them have their phalluses working in their heads. Sigh.
Boc007: It was hard at first. I was timid while growing up, I had to read books that brought me out of that mental slavery.
I have a fully fenced 1 plot of land for sale at Awoyaya, Lekki-Epe Expressway, back of UBA pharmacy, Lagos state. It’s 3 minutes walking distance. And this area is covered with houses almost everywhere.
Title: Deed of Assignment, Survey plan, family consent. Land is free of acquisition. Contact me to get full details.
The abandonment trauma thing scares me. Far as I can see, the only way to deal with it is to stop caring and feeling. But once you do that, you risk permanently turning into an unfeeling robot. And I am undecided if that's such a bad thing or not.
True.
I had a very turbulent upbringing. It made me so self-independent that I felt I needed nobody. Too much self-independence can be a blessing and a curse. Everyone needs someone.
Also, I still have severe trust issues. I just cannot trust people no matter how long I have known them. I feel everyone is the same, and when they get what they want — if so, would scrap as soon as business has ended.
I didn't know how to love properly. After all, I wasn't brought up with love nor did I understand what it meant to be loved by a FATHER. This made me seek for love, attention and validation from men — older men. Love I couldn't get from my father.
Anyways, as I said earlier, I'm past all that now.
I had a very turbulent upbringing. It made me so self-independent that I felt I needed nobody. Too much self-independence can be a blessing and a curse. Everyone needs someone.
Also, I still have severe trust issues. I just cannot trust people no matter how long I have known them. I feel everyone is the same, and when they get what they want — if so, would scrap as soon as business has ended.
I didn't know how to love properly. After all, I wasn't brought up with love nor did I understand what it meant to be loved by a FATHER. This made me seek for love, attention and validation from men — older men. Love I couldn't get from my father.
Anyways, as I said earlier, I'm past all that now.
Aaaaarghmed: I dont have trauma ,but because my mum and dad did not allow us go out and make friends when we were little.i turned to a confam introvert,who can stay for 1 year without missing anyone or talking to anyone and I wont bother.
The trauma of not being allowed to relate with other people is traumatizing you not to be able to love, not miss anyone you can claim to love. You need to change but traumatic experience aren’t easy to change so we make excuses to get stuck.
CuriousStudent: No one will admit it That child abuse in form of beating and coporal punishment has effectd on them. The passive aggression is something ruining everyone. The misogyny and the rest traces back to something. When violence is the only way of living,it traces back to abuse. Some people rarely use the magic word. Vulgar,swearing,slamming doors,banging tables,raising voices. Some(like myself) are conflict avoidant and ghost others as a means of survival/protecting our feelings instead of communication.
Comparing you to your siblings that do better. Parading you in the school for pooing on your body. And the rest. Belittling you or scolding you in public to prove to others that they are a disciplinarian or manipulation of everything about you just so your parents will not embarrassed in public.
I don't want to talk of boarding school. One girl almost sent me to my creator because the guy she liked was hitting on me.
But no,"beating made me who I am" . Who are you? If I may ask. A third world unattractive low earning hypocrite . Who are you? Some dirty misogynist dealing with scabbies and body odour and broke and still eating from mother pot or living in Shanties and squalors with mattress on the floor.
Or the hook up girls were not flogged?
Okay,I guess who you are is something great.you are not gay/lesbian,so that makes you "better"
[b] modified I recall an accident that made me realize most Nigerians are mentally unstable. I went to a restaurant with a coursemate to eat. He was frowning at some point and I inquired if all was well. Then he said ,"just look at them,they can will never cook but will be coming outside to eat. All these irresponsible girls". I asked if he was alright and he was like, "I just feel irritated when I see a lady eating outside when she should be cooking". Till today I struggle to come to terms with the fact that instead of eating your food in peace,and walking out,you will devote your time to evaluating and noticing others. The guy was "disturbed". Him and many others hold very strong opinions and expectations of others that owe them nothing and are quietly living their lives because someone must have subjected them to some high subjective standard. The cycle repeats itself
CuriousStudent: No one will admit it That child abuse in form of beating and coporal punishment has effectd on them. The passive aggression is something ruining everyone. The misogyny and the rest traces back to something. When violence is the only way of living,it traces back to abuse. Some people rarely use the magic word. Vulgar,swearing,slamming doors,banging tables,raising voices. Some(like myself) are conflict avoidant and ghost others as a means of survival/protecting our feelings instead of communication.
Comparing you to your siblings that do better. Parading you in the school for pooing on your body. And the rest. Belittling you or scolding you in public to prove to others that they are a disciplinarian or manipulation of everything about you just so your parents will not embarrassed in public.
I don't want to talk of boarding school. One girl almost sent me to my creator because the guy she liked was hitting on me.
But no,"beating made me who I am" . Who are you? If I may ask. A third world unattractive low earning hypocrite . Who are you? Some dirty misogynist dealing with scabbies and body odour and broke and still eating from mother pot or living in Shanties and squalors with mattress on the floor.
Or the hook up girls were not flogged?
Okay,I guess who you are is something great.you are not gay/lesbian,so that makes you "better"
[b] modified I recall an accident that made me realize most Nigerians are mentally unstable. I went to a restaurant with a coursemate to eat. He was frowning at some point and I inquired if all was well. Then he said ,"just look at them,they can will never cook but will be coming outside to eat. All these irresponsible girls". I asked if he was alright and he was like, "I just feel irritated when I see a lady eating outside when she should be cooking". Till today I struggle to come to terms with the fact that instead of eating your food in peace,and walking out,you will devote your time to evaluating and noticing others. The guy was "disturbed". Him and many others hold very strong opinions and expectations of others that owe them nothing and are quietly living their lives because someone must have subjected them to some high subjective standard. The cycle repeats itself
How has your childhood affected you growing up? Recent psychological evidence points to the fact that past trauma particularly in childhood strongly affects how we form relationship bonds in adulthood.
In a recent conversation with young people across Africa, they revealed that daddy issues, childhood rape, childhood sodomy, absence of their fathers and abandonment by parents shaped their views of love, romance and family.
If you're struggling with such trauma, this conversation: How trauma can shape you is worth listening to.
Pay particular attention to the stories told by the young women, and hopefully you will find strength to heal.
I endured alot of bullying as a child /teenager.. It shaped my personality unconsciously.. Now i feel like i lost my follow come personality and then the one i have now was created as a result of social exchange.
And it affects greatly how i deal with social relationships as i became an adult..
Emmaomotob: Life itself is trauma. I have learned to avoid women, even if it kills me. Life is much smoother and richer without them. I have chosen not to marry except there is something tangible I stand to gain from it. Love does not matter to me, as long as I find the person attractive. In the end loyalty and mutual interest keep a relationship longer than love (which should be appropriately referred to as 'bondage'). I have seen the damage marriage does to 'happily married men' and have learned to avoid it like an evil spirit, except I can profit from it. As Sean Stephenson noted, nations that trade with one another rarely go to war.
So, how will you benefit from marriage if you don't get married?
Growing up my mom always have a stern warning that as a young child I’m not suppose to be friends with girls; boys and girls aren’t supposed to be friends. That has shaped me in a way that’s hard for me to be in a stable relationship with any girl. I’m beginning to feel like I need therapy to get off this trauma.
QueenDima47: My childhood trauma affected me negatively. I had parents and still have but one who doesn't have is better than me. No love from them. No help from them not even uncle or any relative. Just survive if you want on your own. where will I start from. My parents never cared to know what I wanted And how they will help me. My mom is the worse. She talks about money money money. I talk to myself all the time. Thinking all the time. I have no confidence in my self. But God is my helper.
It's hard to believe almost everything you've described is relatable to me. I'm short of words. *sighs.*
The trauma of not being allowed to relate with other people is traumatizing you not to be able to love, not miss anyone you can claim to love. You need to change but traumatic experience aren’t easy to change so we make excuses to get stuck.
its not a trauma,its a way of life.Am cool the way I am .It has helped me survive and not to depend on anybody.Only my parents and siblings.I dont do more than 3 friends.All my relationships ,I ghosted instead of telling them,its over.And I dont ever connect back.
