Apologies for the long post. I need advice, please.

I am asking for advice on a family situation I am having now. I am a resident physician in the U.S. and currently in training. My husband is also a physician and is applying for training in the country I am at. He is unlikely to get a position in the same state I am in because my hospital's program is very competitive. He has worked very hard to come to be in the U.S. but his journey has not been smooth. Not too long ago, I made an agreement with him that if the U.S. does not work for him, I will finish my residency training then follow him to whatever country he decides to relocate to. I have always wanted to subspecialize, and I mentioned that I will do the subspecialty training in whatever country he is. By God's grace he will get a residency training position soon, but it will not be in the same state where my training is now.

We were having a conversation today and I mentioned that I will do everything in my power to get subspecialty training in the state he gets placement, but if I don't then I will do my one year subspecialty training anywhere I get in the U.S., then come back to wherever he is to work. He is now saying that I am going against our agreement of following him wherever he goes and bringing in the technicality that my subspecialty training is just one year. Throughout our relationship even before marriage, I have always felt like I had to prove that my family will be above my career. He brought up a fight we had when we were engaged and he was having challenges coming into the U.S. I mentioned that I really want to train in the U.S., and that I will not marry him if I don't fulfill this dream. I took his continuing with the marriage as him understanding my position about the direction I wanted my life to go, but it was after the marriage that I learned that he took it to mean that I love my career more than him or raising a family. As God will have it, he is now finally in the U.S. with me and pursuing his own dream to train here too, even thought things have not been easy.

I love my job and I want to be good at it. I don't believe that choosing to finish my training is putting my career above my family. I even told him that if I was thinking about career, then I will be thinking of the reputation of where I will do my subspecialty training over first working towards wherever he is. He said that my insisting on subspecialty training against our earlier agreement shows why he does not trust me that my family is first. The funny thing is that it is unlikely for me not to get a subspecialty position wherever he ends up in his training. My subspecialty is not something a lot of people pursue, so there are always more positions than applicants, but that is the field I love. I feel like I always have to prove myself that I am trustworthy whenever any issue comes up about my job. He is insisting that if family was truly first, then I would never even consider applying to anywhere that will not be close to him. I sincerely want people's opinions because I feel that he does not trust my loyalty to building a family. We don't yet have children but I fear that this talk about my career vs family will always be an issue when we do. We have been married for a year and half now. I see it as just one year of training for something I really want to do, and that it is not against the initial agreement of following him to whatever country or place he is. He says I am adding something we did not talk about and changing the agreement. Am I overthinking things and am I being selfish? Please, what are people's thoughts on this matter?

PesinPikin84:
Fellow nairalanders, this is a long post. Please bear with me and help me reason this issue I am having.

I am asking for advice on a family situation I am having now. I am a resident physician in the U.S. and currently in training. My husband is also a physician and is applying for training in the country I am at. He is unlikely to get a position in the same state I am in because my hospital's program is very competitive. He has worked very hard to come to be in the U.S. but his journey has not been smooth. Not too long ago, I made an agreement with him that if the U.S. does not work for him, I will finish my residency training then follow him to whatever country he decides to relocate to. I have always wanted to subspecialize, and I mentioned that I will do the subspecialty training in whatever country he is. By God's grace he will get a residency training position soon, but it will not be in the same state where my training is now.

We were having a conversation today and I mentioned that I will do everything in my power to get subspecialty training in the state he gets placement, but if I don't then I will do my one year subspecialty training anywhere I get in the U.S., then come back to wherever he is to work. He is now saying that I am going against our agreement of following him wherever he goes and bringing in the technicality that my subspecialty training is just one year. Throughout our relationship even before marriage, I have always felt like I had to prove that my family will be above my career. He brought up a fight we had when we were engaged and he was having challenges coming into the U.S. I mentioned that I really want to train in the U.S., and that I will not marry him if I don't fulfill this dream. I took his continuing with the marriage as him understanding my position about the direction I wanted my life to go, but it was after the marriage that I learned that he took it to mean that I love my career more than him or raising a family. As God will have it, he is now finally in the U.S. with me and pursuing his own dream to train here too, even thought things have not been easy.

I love my job and I want to be good at it. I don't believe that choosing to finish my training is putting my career above my family. I even told him that if I was thinking about career, then I will be thinking of the reputation of where I will do my subspecialty training over first working towards wherever he is. He said that my insisting on subspecialty training against our earlier agreement shows why he does not trust me that my family is first. The funny thing is that it is unlikely for me not to get a subspecialty position wherever he ends up in his training. My subspecialty is not something a lot of people pursue, so there are always more positions than applicants, but that is the field I love. He is insisting that if family was truly first, then I would never even consider applying to anywhere that will not be close to him. I sincerely want people's opinions because I feel that he does not trust my loyalty to building a family. I see it as just one year of training for something I really want to do, and that it is not against the initial agreement of following him to whatever country or place he is. He says I am adding something we did not talk about and changing the agreement. Am I overthinking things and am I being selfish? We don't yet have children but I fear that this talk about my career vs family will always be an issue when we do. We have been married for a year and half now. Please what are people's thoughts on this matter.

He is being over rigid on this issue. A one year training when you don't yet have kids should be very doable for you guys. Continue to talk to him to see the sense of it so you guys can be on the same page.

BTW is he suspecting you or having trust issues with you?

LordReed:


He is being over rigid on this issue. A one year training 2hen you don't yet have kids should be very doable for you guys. Continue to talk to him to see the sense of it so you guys can be on the same page.

BTW is he suspecting you or having trust issues with you?

There is no reason for him to have trust issues with me. He says that he trusts me in everything except when it comes to my career, that I will always put my career ahead of family. The only thing he can point to support this thought is me insisting on remaining in the U.S. before our marriage. Even telling him that I will join him wherever after my training changes nothing for him.

Dey play with your marriage o

Obviously you are a career lady and will always be one

If you know you still want your marriage just stick to what you both agreed to initially

And as usual pray that let God take control...

@ PesinPikin84

I think you guys are going through what couples go through every time. What he's doing is not unusual, he wants his family together. You just need communication and compromise.

Communicate with him and reassure him, and work on a compromise. I believe you both can afford to be on plane or find a way to visit each other every other week or month, and communicate frequently to keep the relationship going.

It's important also that you both figure out when exactly to finally reunite and live together, that shouldn't be a gray area

PS: You mentioned that you told him that you wouldn't marry him if you didn't train in the US. You're married now, so take partial responsibility for marrying him before figuring out whether you'll train in the US first, and , and focus on the present and the future, it takes work to make marriage work.

PesinPikin84:
Apologies for the long post. I need advice, please.

I am asking for advice on a family situation I am having now. I am a resident physician in the U.S. and currently in training. My husband is also a physician and is applying for training in the country I am at. He is unlikely to get a position in the same state I am in because my hospital's program is very competitive. He has worked very hard to come to be in the U.S. but his journey has not been smooth. Not too long ago, I made an agreement with him that if the U.S. does not work for him, I will finish my residency training then follow him to whatever country he decides to relocate to. I have always wanted to subspecialize, and I mentioned that I will do the subspecialty training in whatever country he is. By God's grace he will get a residency training position soon, but it will not be in the same state where my training is now.

We were having a conversation today and I mentioned that I will do everything in my power to get subspecialty training in the state he gets placement, but if I don't then I will do my one year subspecialty training anywhere I get in the U.S., then come back to wherever he is to work. He is now saying that I am going against our agreement of following him wherever he goes and bringing in the technicality that my subspecialty training is just one year. Throughout our relationship even before marriage, I have always felt like I had to prove that my family will be above my career. He brought up a fight we had when we were engaged and he was having challenges coming into the U.S. I mentioned that I really want to train in the U.S., and that I will not marry him if I don't fulfill this dream. I took his continuing with the marriage as him understanding my position about the direction I wanted my life to go, but it was after the marriage that I learned that he took it to mean that I love my career more than him or raising a family. As God will have it, he is now finally in the U.S. with me and pursuing his own dream to train here too, even thought things have not been easy.

I love my job and I want to be good at it. I don't believe that choosing to finish my training is putting my career above my family. I even told him that if I was thinking about career, then I will be thinking of the reputation of where I will do my subspecialty training over first working towards wherever he is. He said that my insisting on subspecialty training against our earlier agreement shows why he does not trust me that my family is first. The funny thing is that it is unlikely for me not to get a subspecialty position wherever he ends up in his training. My subspecialty is not something a lot of people pursue, so there are always more positions than applicants, but that is the field I love. I feel like I always have to prove myself that I am trustworthy whenever any issue comes up about my job. He is insisting that if family was truly first, then I would never even consider applying to anywhere that will not be close to him. I sincerely want people's opinions because I feel that he does not trust my loyalty to building a family. We don't yet have children but I fear that this talk about my career vs family will always be an issue when we do. We have been married for a year and half now. I see it as just one year of training for something I really want to do, and that it is not against the initial agreement of following him to whatever country or place he is. He says I am adding something we did not talk about and changing the agreement. Am I overthinking things and am I being selfish? Please, what are people's thoughts on this matter?

It is a dicey family issue that requires wisdom.
Beg him to see your point of view cos your career is also important.

Talk to him, make him understand, he's still your husband.

PesinPikin84:


There is no reason for him to have trust issues with me. He says that he trusts me in everything except when it comes to my career, that I will always put my career ahead of family. The only thing he can point to support this thought is me insisting on remaining in the U.S. before our marriage. Even telling him that I will join him wherever after my training changes nothing for him.

it surprisingly funny how it is that your husband is the one wanting your family to be together no matter what. Career is great but tou can always make alternative measures to work around it. Family is key dearest. For me one year is too much to stay apart. 6months is even too much for a married couple. One person must sacrifice to keep the family.

Let me give you a hint. There will be a time when career can not give tou all the satisfaction and fulfillment

Thank you for the comments. I see it as neither person is wrong or right, we just need to speak about our wants in the marriage and negotiate. Was I wrong to say that I wanted to remain in the U.S. over getting married to him but leaving the country? This is the only thing he has to hold against me as breaking a past agreement. We met in Nigeria but I was already in the U.S. when he proposed.

madone:
it surprisingly funny how it is that your husband is the one wanting your family to be together no matter what. Career is great but tou can always make alternative measures to work around it. Family is key dearest. For me one year is too much to stay apart. 6months is even too much for a married couple. One person must sacrifice to keep the family.

Let me give you a hint. There will be a time when career can not give tou all the satisfaction and fulfillment

We did not see each other for two years when we were engaged because of COVID. We met in Nigeria but got engaged after I came to the U.S. I know long distance is hard, but we can travel to see each other within that year, and I am not saying that I will not join him after or that I will not try to have that year with him. He is saying that I cannot be away from him because I had agreed to follow him wherever he goes.

PesinPikin84:


There is no reason for him to have trust issues with me. He says that he trusts me in everything except when it comes to my career, that I will always put my career ahead of family. The only thing he can point to support this thought is me insisting on remaining in the U.S. before our marriage. Even telling him that I will join him wherever after my training changes nothing for him.

Now I doubt this has to do with you but rather he has insecurities he is projecting on to you. You need to find out from him if he experienced something in the past he is reacting unconsciously to.

PesinPikin84:


There is no reason for him to have trust issues with me. He says that he trusts me in everything except when it comes to my career, that I will always put my career ahead of family. The only thing he can point to support this thought is me insisting on remaining in the U.S. before our marriage. Even telling him that I will join him wherever after my training changes nothing for him.

There's every reason for him to distrust you.

Women can easily change and especially with the laws of US and how it favours women more than men.

He's only looking out on the changes you might be springing up so he will know how to leap.

Your career is import to you and your family but your family should always be first.

Being distanced away from him for a year might give you opportunities to cheat on him and he likewise doesn't want to cheat on you because he might not be able to hold on for that long.

Try to consider what might destroy your young family and amend it.

You're lucky, the young chap loves you.

JASONjnr:


There's every reason for him to distrust you.

Women can easily change and especially with the laws of US and how it favours women more than men.

He's only looking out on the changes you might be springing up so he will know how to leap.

Your career is import to you and your family but your family should always be first.

Being distanced away from him for a year might give you opportunities to cheat on him and he likewise doesn't want to cheat on you because he might not be able to hold on for that long.

Try to consider what might destroy your young family and amend it.

You're lucky, the young chap loves you.

I stayed faithful to him for two years while engaged when we did not see each other physically during COVID because I made a promise to him. I can't cheat on him, not because it is impossible, but I just can't. It makes the whole thing more painful to me because marriage is sacred to me but I feel that he does not believe that.

LordReed:


He is being over rigid on this issue. A one year training 2hen you don't yet have kids should be very doable for you guys. Continue to talk to him to see the sense of it so you guys can be on the same page.

BTW is he suspecting you or having trust issues with you?

just because you wanted to give an advice no one can give to her you quoted all her thread.nonsense

PesinPikin84:


We did not see each other for two years when we were engaged because of COVID. We met in Nigeria but got engaged after I came to the U.S. I know long distance is hard, but we can travel to see each other within that year, and I am not saying that I will not join him after or that I will not try to have that year with him. He is saying that I cannot be away from him because I had agreed to follow him wherever he goes.

If you agreed previously and are going back on your agreement, acknowledge it, don't gaslight him about it because it could result in serious trust issues.

Communication is very important. How aren't you able to find a place in healthcare where he's going, its the US, is there some other reason? I'd be wondering also. So talk to him, communication is key. There can be a compromise if there's a plan to be together

socialmediaman:


If you agreed previously and are going back on your agreement, acknowledge it, don't gaslight him about it because it could result in serious trust issues.

Communication is very important. How aren't you able to find a place in healthcare where he's going, its the US, is there some other reason? I'd be wondering also. So talk to him, communication is key. There can be a compromise if there's a plan to be together

That is the thing, it is very unlikely I will not get a place close to him. There are more positions than applicants for my subspecialty choice. And I did not say that I will not apply to every place close to him when he gets a place. But we are foreigners here and nothing is guaranteed. He is saying that I should not even apply to any place that is not close to him because it means that I am creating room to be far away, even if it is just for a year. This is the main point in the matter even if it is a less likely scenario. To make things clearer, I am a psychiatry trainee. When I finish my subspecialty training, I will get a job. Getting a job is even more guaranteed than subspecialty training position so I am sure I can return to wherever he is. I just want to do that one-year subspecialty training after my residency. I have even said I will do the subspecialty training in whatever country he is if/when he leaves the U.S. Is that still gas lighting? I obviously have my bias, but I genuinely want to hear other people's opinions. Ask me whatever extra background info you need to understand our situation and I will tell you. I'm just tired of always feeling like I have to choose or prove myself, but I don't want to gas light him or deprive him of his needs either.

Mhizzard:

just because you wanted to give an advice no one can give to her you quoted all her thread.nonsense

You must have woken up very hungry. Go chop breakfast make your mood improve. LoLz.

Serve him divorce papers and go your way



You'll thank me later for this

Compromise is what is lacking in your home.

PesinPikin84:


That is the thing, it is very unlikely I will not get a place close to him. There are more positions than applicants for my subspecialty choice. And I did not say that I will not apply to every place close to him when he gets a place. But we are foreigners here and nothing is guaranteed. He is saying that I should not even apply to any place that is not close to him because it means that I am creating room to be far away, even if it is just for a year. This is the main point in the matter even if it is a less likely scenario. To make things clearer, I am a psychiatry trainee. When I finish my subspecialty training, I will get a job. Getting a job is even more guaranteed than subspecialty training position so I am sure I can return to wherever he is. I just want to do that one-year subspecialty training after my residency. I have even said I will do the subspecialty training in whatever country he is if/when he leaves the U.S. Is that still gas lighting? I obviously have my bias, but I genuinely want to hear other people's opinions. Ask me whatever extra background info you need to understand our situation and I will tell you. I'm just tired of always feeling like I have to choose or prove myself, but I don't want to gas light him or deprive him of his needs either.

You already found a place for training, while he's still searching, correct? If that's the case, then I think you can stay on your current job and continue applying to another place close to him when he gets a place for himself. The opportunities are there, but you want to get a new job before moving, just communicate with him and work it out

PesinPikin84:
Apologies for the long post. I need advice, please.

I am asking for advice on a family situation I am having now. I am a resident physician in the U.S. and currently in training. My husband is also a physician and is applying for training in the country I am at. He is unlikely to get a position in the same state I am in because my hospital's program is very competitive. He has worked very hard to come to be in the U.S. but his journey has not been smooth. Not too long ago, I made an agreement with him that if the U.S. does not work for him, I will finish my residency training then follow him to whatever country he decides to relocate to. I have always wanted to subspecialize, and I mentioned that I will do the subspecialty training in whatever country he is. By God's grace he will get a residency training position soon, but it will not be in the same state where my training is now.

We were having a conversation today and I mentioned that I will do everything in my power to get subspecialty training in the state he gets placement, but if I don't then I will do my one year subspecialty training anywhere I get in the U.S., then come back to wherever he is to work. He is now saying that I am going against our agreement of following him wherever he goes and bringing in the technicality that my subspecialty training is just one year. Throughout our relationship even before marriage, I have always felt like I had to prove that my family will be above my career. He brought up a fight we had when we were engaged and he was having challenges coming into the U.S. I mentioned that I really want to train in the U.S., and that I will not marry him if I don't fulfill this dream. I took his continuing with the marriage as him understanding my position about the direction I wanted my life to go, but it was after the marriage that I learned that he took it to mean that I love my career more than him or raising a family. As God will have it, he is now finally in the U.S. with me and pursuing his own dream to train here too, even thought things have not been easy.

I love my job and I want to be good at it. I don't believe that choosing to finish my training is putting my career above my family. I even told him that if I was thinking about career, then I will be thinking of the reputation of where I will do my subspecialty training over first working towards wherever he is. He said that my insisting on subspecialty training against our earlier agreement shows why he does not trust me that my family is first. The funny thing is that it is unlikely for me not to get a subspecialty position wherever he ends up in his training. My subspecialty is not something a lot of people pursue, so there are always more positions than applicants, but that is the field I love. I feel like I always have to prove myself that I am trustworthy whenever any issue comes up about my job. He is insisting that if family was truly first, then I would never even consider applying to anywhere that will not be close to him. I sincerely want people's opinions because I feel that he does not trust my loyalty to building a family. We don't yet have children but I fear that this talk about my career vs family will always be an issue when we do. We have been married for a year and half now. I see it as just one year of training for something I really want to do, and that it is not against the initial agreement of following him to whatever country or place he is. He says I am adding something we did not talk about and changing the agreement. Am I overthinking things and am I being selfish? Please, what are people's thoughts on this matter?

Girl, you really need to slow/ calm down and take things one step at a time. I don’t think this is the appropriate time to bring up discussions that’ll cause frictions between you two. Forget about subspecialty discussions with him for now, think of it and make plans in your head, but don’t bring it up.

He’s right when he said you’re trying to go against the original agreement you both had because you just added another clause to the agreed blueprint you’re running with. The future is still pregnant and you don’t know what will happen in one year. So let it go, tell him you can’t wait for you both to come together as a family. Not stuffs that will suggest you’re happy staying apart.

My husband is a surgical Trainee in a state about 7hrs away from where I’m training in OBGYn. He comes home on weekends/when we’re both free and we try to make every sec together count. We don’t even want to consider or deliberate on any thing that’ll keep us further apart after this first training.


Most of the time, we tend to be overly focused on career goals. So, You’ll need to watch it and consciously make sacrifices ( lots of it) to make the marriage work. People are doing it, so can you.

All the best Girl!

LordReed:


You must have woken up very hungry. Go chop breakfast make your mood improve. LoLz.

even if i woke up not quite long,that doesnt not mean i shouldn't apply sense in what i do.

Mhizzard:

even if i woke up not quite long,that doesnt not mean i shouldn't apply sense in what i do.

You aren't so what is your excuse if it's not hunger?

LordReed:


You aren't so what is your excuse if it's not hunger?

hunger quencher,not everyone you come across here is suffering from hunger;therefore,am not starving.hunger doesn't makes you speak/think foolishly.it dominates in the blood.

Mhizzard:

hunger quencher,not everyone you come across here is suffering from hunger;therefore,am not starving.hunger doesn't makes you speak/think foolishly.it dominates in the blood.

It sometimes makes people unnecessarily aggressive which you displayed in your first post to me. If you are not hungry what is causing the aggression then?

LordReed:


It sometimes makes people unnecessarily aggressive which you displayed in your first post to me. If you are not hungry what is causing the aggression then?

the only remark you hold up to is hunger which you failed.trading words with you will make people think we are the same.

These are some of the “perks” of marrying a career lady . Keep on reassuring him and take things one step at a time, no need rocking the boat.

Mhizzard:

the only remark you hold up to is hunger which you failed.trading words with you will make people think we are the same.

Anyone reading us will know that there is a marked difference between you and I since it is you bringing the aggression.

Madam, there was an agreement, abi? Whatever it's, why not stick to that agreement? Why are you trying to move the goalpost in the middle of the game?