No no no

TheBrotherhood:
Me: NO
If they can leave their parents,who am I that they can’t leave?🤷

It all depends on the reason for leaving. Besides I'm not just marrying her, I'm also marrying Her family too.
However if Her family has a messy background or something diabolical and it does not reflect on her, I will marry Her.

Someone with no parental bond
Can not have marital bond

The stress in marriages is more than

That of parentages.

Yes, if the reasons are valid.
Lately I watched a documentary on the Turpin Family (Google them). Parents who chained their 13 kids like dogs. 10 girls and 3 boys. When they were rescued, the oldest child was already 22. They all needed hospitalization for months due to heart, neurological, psychological issues, etc.
The parents were charged with 88 felonies and sentenced to life imprisonment. I wouldn't blame any of the children if they never associated with their parents again in life.

So if the parents are toxic, I wouldn't even want them near my children. That's how generational abuse and trauma is created.

Sermwell:

If your parents are that evil, they would have killed you before you ever knew you exist!! Any small thing una go just open mouth waaahh!!!

I only talked in non abusive manner I just aired my view but now without talking to you from nowhere you threw insult.

Mr man stay your lane pls stay your lane orelse you won't like my response.

Demigod22:
<sub>I can comfortably marry someone like that when the reason for excommunicating her parents is concrete and logical. I will gladly marry her.

For me, I can stay five years without hearing from my biological mother and I won't be bothered. I can't even tell her I love you, the words won't come out of my mouth. We don't have relationship, we only tolerate each other. She has never been there for me and the only time I had the opportunity to know her, she is not the loving mother.

Well, for my auntie, that's my father's younger sister, she is my world and my favorite. She is the one that have always been going extra mile for me, and whenever the idea of parents occur to me, she is the one I always see.

In this situation, I expect my partner to understand that what happened between my mother and I won't affect our marriage, because I will always be there for her and my children</sub>.

Forgive her please, the relationship might not be close but don't let it be distant.
Check up on her and be kind to her as little as it might be.

Mokason288:
I will marry very very well

A lot of parents still need parenting

There is no marriage without parental consent and dowry both cultural and religion wise.
A girl that can cut ties with her parent can just murder you without trace.

1. No.

2. Nairaland really is a dump. Pictures posted don’t correlate with topics. See the last one concerning a child complaining about his kid brother, the associated picture was BOYS. It seems trolls from a time period have now become moderators. The quality of the forum has taken a dip. It’s not like here was world-class to begin with.

Demigod22:
I can comfortably marry someone like that when the reason for excommunicating her parents is concrete and logical. I will gladly marry her.

For me, I can stay five years without hearing from my biological mother and I won't be bothered. I can't even tell her I love you, the words won't come out of my mouth. We don't have relationship, we only tolerate each other. She has never been there for me and the only time I had the opportunity to know her, she is not the loving mother.

Well, for my auntie, that's my father's younger sister, she is my world and my favorite. She is the one that have always been going extra mile for me, and whenever the idea of parents occur to me, she is the one I always see.

In this situation, I expect my partner to understand that what happened between my mother and I won't affect our marriage, because I will always be there for her and my children.

Please reconcile with your mother.
No matter what she might have done wrong, she's still the one who carried you in her womb, loss blood while bringing you to this world and breastfed you.
As a human, she might have made one or two wrong decisions, but you are not to judge her on that.
Try as much as possible to be nice to your mother, she's irreplaceable.

TheBrotherhood:
Me: NO
If they can leave their parents,who am I that they can’t leave?🤷

Capital NO. What the heck will come out of such a relationship?

NO, IF HE CAN BREAK TIES WITH THE PARENTS THEN YOURS IS A PIECE OF CAKE

tiswell:
no reason whatsoever justifies breaking ties with ya parents.
Only irresponsible kids does.

I respect your opinion but I disagree..

There are legitimate reasons one could break ties with thier parents.

casualobserver:


Like someone said earlier if you can abandon your parents you can abandon anybody.

As for your question about toxicity, even marriages become “toxic” If you cannot manage your parents “toxicity” and accept they are your parents, then when your marriage becomes “toxic” in your eyes you will walk.

Marriage is about responsibility not about convenience, if you are not responsible with your parents, you will not be responsible in marriage.

Finally if your parents are truly toxic, you are likely toxic yourself. The psychological damage to you is done and you can’t run away from yourself, so if anything it’s more reason one should avoid marrying someone who abandons so called “toxic” parents. It’s a clear advertisement that “I am toxic”.

As much as I want to agree with all you have said, cutting off from toxicity is a way to heal from the damage. That way, the individual can revert back to a state that matches his/ her preferred identity.

This topic is very sensitive. It's all dependent on the level of toxicity. There are some toxic parent- children relationship where for the child to heal, he/ she has to cut off for a long time to allow the healing process.

For some less toxic, it could be cutting off for a short time and showing up once in a while.

For a toxic marriage, it's best to sit down to communicate this clearly. If there's no resolution, they can separate for sometime while submitting to a marriage mentor/ coach who can spot out the individual issues and tell each one what to work on before they come back together.

So, managing toxicity in some instances require staying away and it doesn't mean the person is bad. He/she is only trying to get out of the hurt.

Sermwell:

You're really funny!!! I will be a mad father to allow someone like you marry my son or daughter!! I'm not a father yet, but I will clearly advise my son or daughter against marrying someone like you! Gosh!!

You can't blame that guy. He was a victim of dysfunctional background. The reason you can't relate is because you are not from such.

I have come to understand in life that some people come from very ugly backgrounds and it will take a lot of help from God and godly counsellors to reverse effect of some psychological trauma.

BennyDGreat:


As much as I want to agree with all you have said, cutting off from toxicity is a way to heal from the damage. That way, the individual can revert back to a state that matches his/ her preferred identity.

This topic is very sensitive. It's all dependent on the level of toxicity. There are some toxic parent- children relationship where for the child to heal, he/ she has to cut off for a long time to allow the healing process.

For some less toxic, it could be cutting off for a short time and showing up once in a while.

For a toxic marriage, it's best to sit down to communicate this clearly. If there's no resolution, they can separate for sometime while submitting to a marriage mentor/ coach who can spot out the individual issues and tell each one what to work on before they come back together.

So, managing toxicity in some instances require staying away and it doesn't mean the person is bad. He/she is only trying to get out of the hurt.

You can’t run away from who you are. We are all toxic in our own ways. The difference between people who label their families toxic and others is that some learn to deal with it and keep their family problems in house others tell the whole world.

Like they say there are many mad men roaming the streets but you don’t know because they are all wearing suits.

It is when you hear someone else’s story that you know you are not the only one with problems.

It is advisable to tread with caution before going into a marriage relationship with anyone who has no relationship with their parents.

Granted that they could have had a toxic and traumatic relationship with the parents but when anyone gets to the age of marriage, this is the age of responsibility. It is necessary to forgive the parents. At least, be on talking terms with them, and if you're struggling with forgiving them, seek for counsel.

If you go into marriage with such a person, the childhood trauma will definitely surface in the marriage because it has not been resolved. Unforgiveness, bitterness and painful memories are heavy baggages to bring into marriage so as a partner, don't think you can have a peaceful marriage with these baggages.

You see, issues in family are very delicate and complicated that if you don't experience it firsthand or you're not a first hand witness, you will never understand no mater how the people involved explain it to you. First of all, when it comes to marriage, I believe it to be between two people, therefore should be independent of any other people whether they're family or not, after all the bible said a man would LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AND CLING TO HIS WIFE. However the African culture insinuates that marriage is between families but I do not agree and that's my own opinion.

Now back to the issues in family I was talking about, If you had spectacular parents as a child, you can never believe that there are parents somewhere who are evil such that they could even kill their child. Many parents have ruined their children's lives, yes I've met some people who their parent(s) do not want the best for them so that they won't outdo what they the parent have done. We've all heard stories where Fathers molest their daughters, maltreat their sons and what not, now would you blame these set of people if they choose to disown their parents? Many would do so to save their future, would you blame them?

I see some comments saying one shouldn't disown their family NO MATTER WHAT and I just scoff cos these people haven't been in some ugly situation. I bet that You wouldn't even think twice before making the decision if it were you so stop saying what you don't know about yet and just deal with your own life and let others deal with theirs.

At the end of the day, whether family or not, we are all individuals with different perspectives to life, so one having toxic or evil parents doesn't automatically mean that they would be evil themselves as some comments are saying. Sometimes we experience evil so that we can be better humans. Sometimes people make these decisions to save their partner and children from toxicity.

I'm not saying it's a good thing to disown one's parents, all I'm saying is that some situations need to be properly studied before jumping into conclusion. It is no where carved in stone that whoever doesn't have a relationship with their parents will be bad partners in marriage, never

Sermwell:

You're really funny!!! I will be a mad father to allow someone like you marry my son or daughter!! I'm not a father yet, but I will clearly advise my son or daughter against marrying someone like you! Gosh!!

Lol, don't beat yourself up for nothing. I already understand that African parents with their toxicity and negativity are never wrong. They are God, they will rather die than accepting they are wrong. Their potential myopic tendency won't let them see the psychological and emotional trauma and damage their wrong decisions is causing an innocent child. No matter what they did you have no right to express your feeling.

PS: Don't worry, I am not marrying your daughter, so relax and focus on your goals this year.

cigaricon:
You see, issues in family are very delicate and complicated that if you don't experience it firsthand or you're not a first hand witness, you will never understand no mater how the people involved explain it to you. First of all, when it comes to marriage, I believe it to be between two people, therefore should be independent of any other people whether they're family or not, after all the bible said a man would LEAVE HIS MOTHER AND FATHER AND CLING TO HIS WIFE. However the African culture insinuates that marriage is between families but I do not agree and that's my own opinion.

Now back to the issues in family I was talking about, If you had spectacular parents as a child, you can never believe that there are parents somewhere who are evil such that they could even kill their child. Many parents have ruined their children's lives, yes I've met some people who their parent(s) do not want the best for them so that they won't outdo what they the parent have done. We've all heard stories where Fathers molest their daughters, maltreat their sons and what not, now would you blame these set of people if they choose to disown their parents? Many would do so to save their future, would you blame them?

I see some comments saying one shouldn't disown their family NO MATTER WHAT and I just scoff cos these people haven't been in some ugly situation. I bet that You wouldn't even think twice before making the decision if it were you so stop saying what you don't know about yet and just deal with your own life and let others deal with theirs.

At the end of the day, whether family or not, we are all individuals with different perspectives to life, so one having toxic or evil parents doesn't automatically mean that they would be evil themselves as some comments are saying. Sometimes we experience evil so that we can be better humans. Sometimes people make these decisions to save their partner and children from toxicity.

I'm not saying it's a good thing to disown one's parents, all I'm saying is that some situations need to be properly studied before jumping into conclusion. It is no where carved in stone that whoever doesn't have a relationship with their parents will be bad partners in marriage, never

An emotionally intelligent fellow just spotted. I quite agree with all your points. I just commented about my relationship with my mom, she abandoned me when I was two, she has never been a loving mother, my auntie, paternal auntie, trained me from nursery to University. Do you believe that some illogical and emotionally myopic fellows were abusing me for not being a good son to a woman who don't even know my favorite food?

Socratiz:
It is advisable to tread with caution before going into a marriage relationship with anyone who has no relationship with their parents.

Granted that theub could have had a toxic and traumatic relationship with the parents but when anyone gets to the age of marriage, thst is the age of responsibility. It is necessary to forgive the parents. At least, be on talking terms with them, and you're struggling with forgiving them, seek for counsel.

If you go into marriage with such a person, the childhood trauma will definitely surface in the marriage because it has not been resolved. Unforgiveness, bitterness and painful memoried are heavy baggages to bring into marriage so as a partner, don't think you can have a peaceful marriage with these baggages.

You expect a lady who is raped, impregnated and taking for an abortion by her father should forgive the father because of marriage? Do you know what maniacs in the name of parents have done to some people? You heard of the Amina that poisoned herself and two kids, that is also an example of a parent.

casualobserver:



You can’t run away from who you are. We are all toxic in our own ways. The difference between people who label their families toxic and others is that some learn to deal with it and keep their family problems in house others tell the whole world.

Like they say there are many mad men roaming the streets but you don’t know because they are all wearing suits.

It is when you hear someone else’s story that you know you are not the only one with problems.

So father who sexually molest or rape the daughter, you expect her to keep family problems in the house right? If you grow up in a healthy home, just thank God.

Don't mock a pain you haven't felt.

Even Elon Musk cut off his Dad at some point if you read his book.

Greenfaces:

I'm Islam, no matter what, you should relate with her and show her kindness. Even if she is an idol worshipper, don't join her in her worship but admonish her kindly. Keep doing this until death calls

What happened to Islam when some fathers rape their daughter? What happened to Islam when some mothers sleep with their daughter's husband? What happened to Islam when those children suffered domestic violence, when their self worth is being destroyed?

Religion can't solve a psychological or emotional trauma.

Demigod22:


So father who sexually molest or rape the daughter, you expect her to keep family problems in the house right? If you grow up in a healthy home, just thank God.

Don't mock a pain you haven't felt.

Even Elon Musk cut off his Dad at some point if you read his book.

Oga please rape and violence are extreme cases. In any event if you are a victim of rape and violence, you yourself have become toxic…like I said children of truly “toxic” families are themselves toxic and should be avoided. The question is should someone marry you in such circumstances, the answer is no! It is not your job to inherit others people’s problems.

As for Elon Musk. Please because someone has money or is successful career wise does not mean we should hold them up as a beacon of morality. Elon Musk is one of the most ffucked up people on earth. Kanye west is messed up, do you want to be like Kanye west? Please when you bring up examples of people, try not to bring up people with a history of drug abuse and mental breakdowns!

Demigod22:
I can comfortably marry someone like that when the reason for excommunicating her parents is concrete and logical. I will gladly marry her.

For me, I can stay five years without hearing from my biological mother and I won't be bothered. I can't even tell her I love you, the words won't come out of my mouth. We don't have relationship, we only tolerate each other. She has never been there for me and the only time I had the opportunity to know her, she is not the loving mother.

Well, for my auntie, that's my father's younger sister, she is my world and my favorite. She is the one that have always been going extra mile for me, and whenever the idea of parents occur to me, she is the one I always see.

In this situation, I expect my partner to understand that what happened between my mother and I won't affect our marriage, because I will always be there for her and my children.

You see, that's the very reason you shouldn't marry such. A cycle and a pattern is being installed unknowingly.

Banhammy717:

Please reconcile with your mother.
No matter what she might have done wrong, she's still the one who carried you in her womb, loss blood while bringing you to this world and breastfed you.
As a human, she might have made one or two wrong decisions, but you are not to judge her on that.
Try as much as possible to be nice to your mother, she's irreplaceable.

I understand where you are coming from and I really appreciate it. Any girl who is fertile can be pregnant and give birth and even breastfeed a child, but it takes a special woman, an extraordinary woman, a strong woman to be a mother.

Nine months and breastfeeding is not enough. The real deal is the bond, love and relationship you build with that young one in his or her formative years till his adult years. That is what make a mother.

When people are asked to choose between Dad and Mom, listen to their answers, it reflects who is there for that person.

casualobserver:


Oga please rape and violence are extreme cases. In any event if you are a victim of rape and violence, you yourself have become toxic…like I said children of truly “toxic” families are themselves toxic and should be avoided. The question is should someone marry you in such circumstances, the answer is no! It is not your job to inherit others people’s problems.

As for Elon Musk. Please because someone has money or is successful career wise does not mean we should hold them up as a beacon of morality. Elon Musk is one of the most ffucked up people on earth. Kanye west is messed up, do you want to be like Kanye west? Please when you bring up examples of people, try not to bring up people with a history of drug abuse and mental breakdowns!

Khusbu Sundar is a Hindu actress and politician.

Oprah Winfrey needs no introduction.

These are people who were raped by family members, one by her father, they didn't allow the experience to define them, they are still successful..
Elon Musk is not a moral beacon, rather a pragmatic beacon. Morality in African context is hypocrisy, so I don't give a hoot about it. Kenye West didn't suffer any emotional or psychological complications from his parents,at least, his mother was stood by him until her death. Any drug issue was his personal decision.

People who are victims have the ability to heal and become emotionally and physically healthy again. The rehabilitation center and therepy sessions are not for decoration. Most of them that manage the trauma well even live better in marriage than some people that grow up in a healthy home.

Like I said, don't mock a pain you haven't felt.

mabea:
You see, that's the very reason you shouldn't marry such. A cycle and a pattern is being installed unknowingly.

I don't expect my girlfriend who is raped by her father to still be talking to her father. I can't use that to judge her, I can only judge her by what she said, do around me.

We have rehabilitation center and therapy session that handles such trauma, and I will support her throughout the process.

As for me, it's natural not to have an intimate relationship with someone who is not in your life, and I am going to be in my children's life and my partner too. If I am hurt by my experience, I wouldn't want to hurt my children by bailing on them.

Nothing to write home about most african parents. Therefore, I don't mind.

I don't want people that have enjoyed almost all their lives to come & put san san in our gari.

Demigod22:


Khusbu Sundar is a Hindu actress and politician.

Oprah Winfrey needs no introduction.

These are people who were raped by family members, one by her father, they didn't allow the experience to define them, they are still successful..
Elon Musk is not a moral beacon, rather a pragmatic beacon. Morality in African context is hypocrisy, so I don't give a hoot about it. Kenye West didn't suffer any emotional or psychological complications from his parents,at least, his mother was stood by him until her death. Any drug issue was his personal decision.

People who are victims have the ability to heal and become emotionally and physically healthy again. The rehabilitation center and therepy sessions are not for decoration. Most of them that manage the trauma well even live better in marriage than some people that grow up in a healthy home.

Like I said, don't mock a pain you haven't felt.

My friend how come Oprah has no children? Because she is damaged by her trauma. Nigerians should learn to debate by sticking to the debate. Please read the title of this thread. This is not about the victim of a toxic environment, this is about whether an outsider should emerse himself or herself into a relationship with someone who is a victim of a toxic environment.

People from toxic environments themselves become toxic whether they realize it or not. That toxicity can manifest in different ways, it may mean they channel their energies into their careers like Elon, it may mean they become degenerates, it may mean they are emotionally unavailable, it may mean they are emotionally needy and insecure. The bottom line is it is not possible for you to be a victim of true toxicity and be normal. So in staying on topic and answering the question posed by this thread, the answer is avoid such people. They are not normal because they can’t be normal.


The problem with many Nigerians is that you put the wrong sort of people and the wrong sort of mileposts as yardsticks for your lives. Flea had 27 wives, he was a drug user, he died of aids, he was however a world renowned and celebrated musical genius, so should I live my life like Fela and make him a role model? So stop being so obsessed with celebrity….most of hem are toxic!


BTW: I n response to your previous post, I just don’t pick up books and read simply because you are successful or a celebrity. I have no desire to read the story of Michelle Obama who is famous just for being a presidents wife. In the same way I have no interest in reading the biography of a drug user or a manic depressive irrespective of his successes, I don’t care that he is the richest man in the world at one time. I neither have a desire to be like him professionally or personally. I read autobiographies or biographies on people who inspire me both in their accomplishments and in the way they conduct themselves. Mandela, Awolow, Zik, Balewa, Warren Buffet, Dangote, Wenger, Alex Ferguson, Mourinho, but I have no desire to have any in-depth knowledge of the lives of the likes of Kanye, willsmith, Steve Harvey, Musk, Oprah etc because they do not represent anything I aspire to be or I respect especially in their personal lives.

casualobserver:



You can’t run away from who you are. We are all toxic in our own ways. The difference between people who label their families toxic and others is that some learn to deal with it and keep their family problems in house others tell the whole world.

Like they say there are many mad men roaming the streets but you don’t know because they are all wearing suits.

It is when you hear someone else’s story that you know you are not the only one with problems.

Let's start with the statement: 'You can't run away from who you are'

There's a difference between who you really are and who environment tries to make you.

The problem is: Do you really know who you are?
Toxicity isn't inborn. is it?

It's inherited from the environment. It's imposed and until one cuts it off, it will try to override someone.

When people label their families toxic and tell the world about it, know that:

They may have exhausted every known method of seeking resolution from their part to no avail.

They are fighting for survival

They are trying to cut off from the negativity to find themselves.

The reason some people don't share their families own is because they got help to heal from trauma or it could also be a coping mechanism while they die inside.

Still...you can't run away from who you are can only be true for one who has found himself outside of the negative influence of his/ her environment.

For others, they need to run from the imposed identity....RUN!!!

BennyDGreat:


Let's start with the statement: 'You can't run away from who you are'

There's a difference between who you really are and who environment tries to make you.

The problem is: Do you really know who you are?
Toxicity isn't inborn. is it?

It's inherited from the environment. It's imposed and until one cuts it off, it will try to override someone.

When people label their families toxic and tell the world about it, know that:

They may have exhausted every known method of seeking resolution from their part to no avail.

They are fighting for survival

They are trying to cut off from the negativity to find themselves.

The reason some people don't share their families own is because they got help to heal from trauma or it could also be a coping mechanism while they die inside.

Still...you can't run away from who you are can only be true for one who has found himself outside of the negative influence of his/ her environment.

For others, they need to run from the imposed identity....RUN!!!

Oga keep arguing with yourself. Next time you see a man or woman who has been abused by their parents or is from a toxic family, feel free to marry them and keep telling yourself they are not toxic but it was the environment……whatever you see you see.

In Africa we say ancestral curses because we get headaches when we think. The truth is you only know what you know and by age 7 your character is formed and difficult to change. For instance, There is a reason single mothers beget single mothers. They don’t know otherwise. They don’t like being a single mother but they have no compass of a stable 2 parent household. There is a reason victims of abuse become abusers themselves…..abuse is what they know. The majority do not break the chain because the majority of humans are not strong. This is why the Pentecostal church has so many customers.

There is a reason we do introductions in Nigeria. There is a reason in yoruba land our parents ask “ile wi lo ti wa”. Which house/family did he/she come from when you want to marry. Even ordinary friends our parents as kids will tell us don’t play with that child…often for good reason. They knew what we didn’t know and which they could tell us because we were too young to understand.

Abeg leave me in peace.