It depends on what happened

Because some parents can frustrate somebody o

Donedeal1:
Someone with no parental bond
Can not have marital bond

The stress in marriages is more than

That of parentages.

So why marry, if it is so stressful?

That is a red flag.

Yes I'll first find out what happened then settle them

It depends on the reasons. If the person has serially been abused verbally and physically not just as a kid but as a young adult too, if the person has been abused sexually by any of the parent or the person has suffered severe childhood trauma as a result of the neglect or abandonment of that parent, I will be the pillar my partner will run to. Na me sef go encourage further shenking of such a parent.

There is just one catch, that person has to be 10 over 10 in beauty and brains and love me and only me like kilode.

Again, I would make sure through interrogation that the person has not been cursed by the parent throughout the period of abuse. If there is a curse, I would seek that the person pursues some form of reconciliation just to reverse that curse and obtain a blessing. Its therefore necessary that the parent attends our wedding ceremony. Once we achieve that, shenking continues unless that parent is actively seeking for forgiveness.

Overall, It still depends on the type of sin that parent has committed. There is no forgiveness for sexual abuse or molestation from a parent.

TheBrotherhood:
Me: NO
If they can leave their parents,who am I that they can’t leave?🤷

If she leaves,you remain single ..afterall marriage doesn't even benefit men.

Or you remarry ..afterall women are too many

Proverbs 30:11 KJV
There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother.

The end of such ungrateful people is never good.

YoungLionken:
Well, it depends on the situation or what led to it. But in most cases, it doesn't end well..

Normally, it's disrespectful to disown one's parents (except it's really worth it), if your partner could do that, then it's just a matter of time before she replicates same in your home or to your parents...

Exactly 💯

BennyDGreat:


As much as I want to agree with all you have said, cutting off from toxicity is a way to heal from the damage. That way, the individual can revert back to a state that matches his/ her preferred identity.

This topic is very sensitive. It's all dependent on the level of toxicity. There are some toxic parent- children relationship where for the child to heal, he/ she has to cut off for a long time to allow the healing process.

For some less toxic, it could be cutting off for a short time and showing up once in a while.

For a toxic marriage, it's best to sit down to communicate this clearly. If there's no resolution, they can separate for sometime while submitting to a marriage mentor/ coach who can spot out the individual issues and tell each one what to work on before they come back together.

So, managing toxicity in some instances require staying away and it doesn't mean the person is bad. He/she is only trying to get out of the hurt.

Deep

Orphans are the best.

With all these no i cannot! never! would never allow my daughter Africa still remain the same as a back water nation. That why the European and other advanced states are progressive in nature not holding up to society stereotypes like africa which define people by the collective not by individual treats and virtue.
The bible says honor your father and mother so that your days will be long but their was a caveat "do not provoke your children to ruth"
Most African parents never read that path. The key word is separation based on toxic relationships if is from the parents being the aggressor.
Mind you such victim will be more sympathetic to there offsprings to avoid them from the bad experiences they had .
Finally, the white became progress in nature from understanding the principles of love and fairness in the microzone of the society which is the family that is why they extract people at the early stage from dysfunction parenting to keep the balance of the society unlike Africa that held unto tradition that kept them in shackles and contradictions.
The moral lesson here is to first know the reason for the separation first not jumping the gun. Most people that cut off from parents either suffered from disrespect and lack of appreciation, favouritism within the family, immorality, internal sidling rivalry and compitition foisted by the parents,
parental curse, poor parenting, family bad public image etc On the other hand separation from the child being irresponsible, disobedient to parent, career disagreement etc which are red flags to consider. Therefore one with good judgement has to balance the situation for the cause of separation before making an informed decision.

mabea:
You see, that's the very reason you shouldn't marry such. A cycle and a pattern is being installed unknowingly.

So who breaks the cycle? If you truly love someone, that person's pain becomes your pain, that person's past becomes your past. The essence of courtship is for your partner to reveal his/herself to you. If the person never had certain good traits, you never would have been attracted to such a person. It's now up to you to see if your love is enough to overlook the person's flaws. Already, your partner has exposed himself to you and rendered himself/ herself vulnerable by telling you the truth about his or her background. It's your decision to either love the person or bolt but it is not up to you to say the person isn't deserving of love. It's like saying an abandoned child or a raped woman isn't deserving of love. You don't want a person's baggage, that is your decision but you dont cast someone aside as not deserving of love, you are not God.

The reason must be very convincing but then, we will work at mending the relationship as long as they are alive.

TheBrotherhood:
Me: NO
If they can leave their parents, who am I that they can’t leave?🤷

I will listen to her story.
Take no sides and choose to stay or leave based on her true answers.

TheBrotherhood:
Me: NO
If they can leave their parents,who am I that they can’t leave?🤷

NEVER!!
Go make peace with them or go your way!

casualobserver:


My friend how come Oprah has no children? Because she is damaged by her trauma. Nigerians should learn to debate by sticking to the debate. Please read the title of this thread. This is not about the victim of a toxic environment, this is about whether an outsider should emerse himself or herself into a relationship with someone who is a victim of a toxic environment.

People from toxic environments themselves become toxic whether they realize it or not. That toxicity can manifest in different ways, it may mean they channel their energies into their careers like Elon, it may mean they become degenerates, it may mean they are emotionally unavailable, it may mean they are emotionally needy and insecure. The bottom line is it is not possible for you to be a victim of true toxicity and be normal. So in staying on topic and answering the question posed by this thread, the answer is avoid such people. They are not normal because they can’t be normal.


The problem with many Nigerians is that you put the wrong sort of people and the wrong sort of mileposts as yardsticks for your lives. Flea had 27 wives, he was a drug user, he died of aids, he was however a world renowned and celebrated musical genius, so should I live my life like Fela and make him a role model? So stop being so obsessed with celebrity….most of hem are toxic!


BTW: I n response to your previous post, I just don’t pick up books and read simply because you are successful or a celebrity. I have no desire to read the story of Michelle Obama who is famous just for being a presidents wife. In the same way I have no interest in reading the biography of a drug user or a manic depressive irrespective of his successes, I don’t care that he is the richest man in the world at one time. I neither have a desire to be like him professionally or personally. I read autobiographies or biographies on people who inspire me both in their accomplishments and in the way they conduct themselves. Mandela, Awolow, Zik, Balewa, Warren Buffet, Dangote, Wenger, Alex Ferguson, Mourinho, but I have no desire to have any in-depth knowledge of the lives of the likes of Kanye, willsmith, Steve Harvey, Musk, Oprah etc because they do not represent anything I aspire to be or I respect especially in their personal lives.

Go in search of Chimamanda Ngozi- Adichie's TED speech, the danger of a single story. Your perception is being coloured by your good childhood experiences. What an educated person with emotional intelligence does is to put his or herself in the other person's shoes. Just simply do that and imagine if it was you abandoned by a mother by the age of 2, imagine what your perception about love, life and parenthood would be. Feel another person's pain. If you do that, your speech/write-up will be with understanding and compassion. You will pick your words and present your opinions with consideration to who you are addressing. You have your preferences! Yes! You would also understand that the other fellow has a right to feel the way he feels. If you don't understand what I have just written, it means you are not emotionally intelligent and it's OK. Not everyone is.

greypencils:
Go in search of Chimamanda Ngozi- Adichie's TED speech, the danger of a single story. Your perception is being coloured by your good childhood experiences. What an educated person with emotional intelligence does is to put his or herself in the other person's shoes. Just simply do that and imagine if it was you abandoned by a mother by the age of 2, imagine what your perception about love, life and parenthood would be. Feel another person's pain. If you do that, your speech/write-up will be with understanding and compassion. You will pick your words and present your opinions with consideration to who you are addressing. You have your preferences! Yes! You would also understand that the other fellow has a right to feel the way he feels. If you don't understand what I have just written, it means you are not emotionally intelligent and it's OK. Not everyone is.

I am not interested in being in your shoe, i am not here to save the world. i didnt create your problem if you come from a toxic home and I am not here to solve it, I am not a social worker. I am a parent, it takes a lot of sacrifice to raise children so they are not traumatised and damaged, we didnt sacrifice and endure so much to raise balanced children, so that our children can pick up the damage other irresponsible parents did to their children. No! Your toxic environment is unfortunate as you probably had no choice in the matter but is not my problem or that of my children to inherit!

Chiamanda herself is a product of a toxic environment....there are different types of toxicity. She is obviously scarred by the narrative of the war fed to her by her parents and she clearly has a problem with men and tradition. it manifests in everything she does. you cannot claim to be proudly Ibo on the one hand and be disrespecting the traditions on the other. This is why I talked about being careful the kind of people you put on a pedestal simply because they are succesful, many of them use their fame to project their pyschological damage.

The biggest problem in the world right now is wokism. This is where the minority abnormal are trying to dictate to the world that the abnormal is normal and cloak it in emotional language and manipulative words like emotional intelligence. Excuse me, again i ask, read the title of this thread. When did we lose our right to have standards or to choose the kind of people we marry? You are a man and want to call yourself a woman, that is your problem, but you cannot tell me what to call you because nature and science decides who is a woman and who is a man not you or your pyscholigical damage. The standards for whom I marry (i am already married) is defined not by your self acknowledged toxic environment (not you personally) but by the standards of my upbringing. nobosy has a right to manipulate anyone into accepting what they feel is not acceptable. particularly when it comes to marraige, your problem is not my problem to inherit. in marraige you want a partner who is an asset not a liability to you.

The problem with society today is many have gone against the norms of society and brought negative consequences upon themselves and then they try to vilify those who try to uphold and maintain some level of standards in the conduct of their lives!

No reasonable person will break ties with those who caused their birth. Highest anyone can do is live away if they are not cool with certain things done by parents. But break ties, mbanu. If they can do it to parents they'll do same and even worse to you should in case there are challenges. Run, run, run.

casualobserver:


Oga keep arguing with yourself. Next time you see a man or woman who has been abused by their parents or is from a toxic family, feel free to marry them and keep telling yourself they are not toxic but it was the environment……whatever you see you see.

In Africa we say ancestral curses because we get headaches when we think. The truth is you only know what you know and by age 7 your character is formed and difficult to change. For instance, There is a reason single mothers beget single mothers. They don’t know otherwise. They don’t like being a single mother but they have no compass of a stable 2 parent household. There is a reason victims of abuse become abusers themselves…..abuse is what they know. The majority do not break the chain because the majority of humans are not strong. This is why the Pentecostal church has so many customers.

There is a reason we do introductions in Nigeria. There is a reason in yoruba land our parents ask “ile wi lo ti wa”. Which house/family did he/she come from when you want to marry. Even ordinary friends our parents as kids will tell us don’t play with that child…often for good reason. They knew what we didn’t know and which they could tell us because we were too young to understand.

Abeg leave me in peace.

See your earlier comment:
"You can’t run away from who you are. We are all toxic in our own ways. The difference between people who label their families toxic and others is that some learn to deal with it and keep their family problems in house others tell the whole world.

Like they say there are many mad men roaming the streets but you don’t know because they are all wearing suits."

Going through this and the one you posted above
"Next time you see a man or woman who has been abused by their parents or is from a toxic family, feel free to marry them and keep telling yourself they are not toxic but it was the environment……whatever you see you see."

You have arrived at a conclusion that everyone has experienced some toxicity growing up.
If so, how come people are getting married every day with all of these toxicity?

Isn't it suggestive to you that many people hide the pain and maybe never deal with it?

No matter the investigation you do about a family, toxic traits are usually regarded as human flaws in Nigeria..we say nobody is perfect. Expect for a few cases where the toxicity is too much....that marriage will hold sir.

Character is not difficult to change at 7 years old sir. That's an age that's still good for reshaping and remoulding. A mere 7 year old kid?
Even teenagers can be changed....

See, I am not saying there are no families with very toxic traits, my point here is the moment one member of that family decides to break free from the toxicity, he/ she must be ready to first cut off from the environment that formed that toxicity. SIMPLE.

It's also not entirely true that the chains of negative patterns in family don't break because the people are not strong. It doesn't break because they haven't found an environment where their strength is nurtured to overpower the toxicity.

See bro....make we just leave am here....

BennyDGreat:


See your earlier comment:
"You can’t run away from who you are. We are all toxic in our own ways. The difference between people who label their families toxic and others is that some learn to deal with it and keep their family problems in house others tell the whole world.

Like they say there are many mad men roaming the streets but you don’t know because they are all wearing suits."

Going through this and the one you posted above
"Next time you see a man or woman who has been abused by their parents or is from a toxic family, feel free to marry them and keep telling yourself they are not toxic but it was the environment……whatever you see you see."

You have arrived at a conclusion that everyone has experienced some toxicity growing up.
If so, how come people are getting married every day with all of these toxicity?

Isn't it suggestive to you that many people hide the pain and maybe never deal with it?

No matter the investigation you do about a family, toxic traits are usually regarded as human flaws in Nigeria..we say nobody is perfect. Expect for a few cases where the toxicity is too much....that marriage will hold sir.

Character is not difficult to change at 7 years old sir. That's an age that's still good for reshaping and remoulding. A mere 7 year old kid?
Even teenagers can be changed....

See, I am not saying there are no families with very toxic traits, my point here is the moment one member of that family decides to break free from the toxicity, he/ she must be ready to first cut off from the environment that formed that toxicity. SIMPLE.

It's also not entirely true that the chains of negative patterns in family don't break because the people are not strong. It doesn't break because they haven't found an environment where their strength is nurtured to overpower the toxicity.

See bro....make we just leave am here....

1. clearly you missed the part where I said there are different levels of toxicity. every family has there issues. There are some levels of issues or toxicity you dont want to be a part of. There is a former head of state who was alledged to have slept with his son's wife. why on earth would i allow myself of a family member to marry into that family?

2. The point here (and I say stick to the essence of this thread) is that a family is supposedly so toxic, the child has ex-communicated himself from his family...what more of a red flag do you need in life to know not to marry such a person?

3. You clearly do not understand human pyschology. The most important thing in life to change is character. it can be done and overcome but it takes constant effort and self awareness. In real life less than 10% of people will suceed. for me those are odds not worth the risk.

Like I said feel free to take the chance on a toxic person and let us know how you get on. Just dont come here writing stories about something you were warned against.

casualobserver:


1. clearly you missed the part where I said there are different levels of toxicity. every family has there issues. There are some levels of issues or toxicity you dont want to be a part of. There is a former head of state who was alledged to have slept with his son's wife. why on earth would i allow myself of a family member to marry into that family?

2. The point here (and I say stick to the essence of this thread) is that a family is supposedly so toxic, the child has ex-communicated himself from his family...what more of a red flag do you need in life to know not to marry such a person?

3. You clearly do not understand human pyschology. The most important thing in life to change is character. it can be done and overcome but it takes constant effort and self awareness. In real life less than 10% of people will suceed. for me those are odds not worth the risk.

Like I said feel free to take the chance on a toxic person and let us know how you get on. Just dont come here writing stories about something you were warned against.

How I wish I can break this thing down to you....
You are coming back to some of my points and still somewhat drifting.

My underlying statement remains...

People can come from very terrible backgrounds and be good people.

Judging a person solely on his/ her background can be somewhat unjust to the fellow without first considering his own character.

Human beings are wired to easily discard people with terrible past/ background without considering their current position of a changed life.

Ex-communicating yourself from a family isn't an automatic red flag. You must find out why he/ she took such a decision...you would be shocked!

Finally, none of my statements said you could or should marry a toxic person. That's a disaster!

You are honestly moving around my thoughts but not plugged in.

It depends on the reason for breaking the ties, things are happening in this country

BennyDGreat:


How I wish I can break this thing down to you....
You are coming back to some of my points and still somewhat drifting.

My underlying statement remains...

People can come from very terrible backgrounds and be good people.

Judging a person solely on his/ her background can be somewhat unjust to the fellow without first considering his own character.

Human beings are wired to easily discard people with terrible past/ background without considering their current position of a changed life.

Ex-communicating yourself from a family isn't an automatic red flag. You must find out why he/ she took such a decision...you would be shocked!

Finally, none of my statements said you could or should marry a toxic person. That's a disaster!

You are honestly moving around my thoughts but not plugged in.

we dont agree, l am sure we can agree to disagree and stop disturbuing other readers repeating the same things.

Don't ask a man unnecessary questions. Men know what they are doing. Men hate inquisitive women

The reason(s) why he broke ties with his parents would go a long way to help make my decision.

O.p

I'm not going to call you a fool but you're definitely not intelligent.

haven't you heard of abusive parents or narcissist parents?

people's behaviors should be assessed by analysing their general attitudes, rather than forming an apathetic decision from single aspect or one thing you don't seem to understand about them.

I've heard narratives of older - killing abusive parents

I've also heard witch/wizard parents casting spells to ruin their own children success..

No

Fisiryorh:
Yes...

No be the parents I dey marry...

It's so easy to say this...reality is actually very different

Badgers14:


It depends on why?

It is not a straight answer, you have to dig deep to understand why they broke ties with their parents , then think if their reason is "reason " enough before making a decision.

No why can justify anything...

It should be a NO..

You did not fall down on earth all by yourself. You both need their blessings. If anything is between you and your parents, settle it before you decide to marry.

Men,
Be careful of marrying a lady that doesn't have regards for her parent, it's only a matter of time she will show you shege banza.

Women,
Becareful of marrying a man doesn't speak good of his parent, he will probably not lead you right, he will awaken your inactive poison as a woman and make you a damaged woman.

Pls thread carefully

MerchantMNT:


So why marry, if it is so stressful?

If nobody will, let me tell you for free,marriage need a lot of efforts to make it work.
Why getting married?, this is a divine instructions for procreation, and to built tolerance and endurance in our life.
That is why if you failed in the venture it will tell on others endeavors you ventured into.
So children who did not attained the practical orientation class in life may find it difficult during a text in the class of marriage.