₦airaland Forum

Have you ever wondered why our parents' marriages seemed to last longer than the ones we see today? Back in the day, most marriages in Nigeria were arranged by families or communities. My parent marriage was arranged and it stood the test of time with love growing over time.

Love was not necessarily the driving force; instead, compatibility, family background, and shared values were the key considerations. Fast forward to today, where falling in love is seen as the ultimate requirement for marriage. But with love marriages, we now see rising divorce rates, marital dissatisfaction, and emotional burnout.

It makes you wonder if arranged marriages are better than love marriages?


Pros for for arranged marriages, families often play a significant role in ensuring the couple's success. For instance, our grandparents often stayed in their marriages because they had the backing of both their families. It wasn’t just about the husband and wife; it was a union of two families, which acted as a safety net when challenges arose.

There’s the story of Mama Ngozi and Papa Ngozi, who got married in the 70s through family arrangement. Mama Ngozi said she didn’t love her husband initially, but she learned to respect him and grow love over time. Today, they are celebrating 50 years of marriage. She attributes their success to the mutual commitment to make the marriage work rather than relying on fleeting feelings.

Divorce was rare in the past. People often worked through their issues because of societal and cultural expectations. Arranged marriages taught patience, compromise, and resilience.

Pros in favour of love marriages are ; Love marriages are built on personal choice, which allows individuals to pick a partner who aligns with their dreams, values, and ambitions. Chidera, for example, fell in love with her husband during NYSC. She said, "I married my best friend," and they are happily raising two kids in a marriage where friendship is the foundation.

Unlike arranged marriages, where couples sometimes meet on the wedding day, love marriages thrive on emotional intimacy. Love marriages allow couples to build deep emotional bonds before taking the marital step.

In today’s world, people prioritize happiness and individuality. Love marriages give room for individuals to walk away when things don’t work, unlike in the past where societal shame trapped couples in toxic or abusive relationships.

The rising divorce rates are a reality. But is it because love marriages are inherently bad? Or is it because our society has evolved?

1.Some may argue that today’s couples are not as patient as our parents’ generation. They give up too easily.
2.Financial strain, infidelity, and unrealistic expectations often strain modern marriages, whether arranged or love-based.
3.Unlike in the past, divorce is no longer taboo. People feel empowered to leave unhappy marriages.

Finally, are we romanticizing arranged marriages because they "seemed" to work, or is there truly something we can learn from them? On the other hand, are love marriages the solution to individual happiness, or are they too idealistic in a world filled with human imperfections?

Let’s hear your thoughts:

Would you let your family arrange your marriage today?
Do you think love alone is enough to sustain a marriage?
Are we the problem, or is it the system of marriage itself?
I would like to hear your thoughts.

Marriage is for two matured minded adults, who have made personal resolutions to work together to make the union work.

Marriage needs a stronger foundation than love.

It is not a matter of "Love Marriage" or "Arranged Marriage".

It is a matter of ideology (mindset). These days, some arranged marriages fail while others work. Similarly, some love marriages work while others fail.

People with good mindsets about marriage succeed in either an arranged marriage or a love marriage. Those with bad mindsets about marriage fail in an arranged marriage and in love marriage.

Mindset is the foundation of a long-lasting marriage.

OP, i dont know which is better.

But one beautiful message i enjoyed from this your write-up is, "love is not the foundation to successfull marriage"
I always prioritize that responsibility and obligations are the most important thing in marriage. Love is just dust that will disappear within a short time!

The two exist but still fake.. love isn’t needed in marriage.. You have to respect and love you whoever it turns out you marry

LordYon08:
The two exist but still fake.. love isn’t needed in marriage.. You have to respect and love you whoever it turns out you marry

Love is needed but I believe love grows over time as you get to know each other and, grow in friendship.

Whichever gives you peace of mind.

Love in itself is averted pretense not to hate.

Arranged means coping with a stranger which you knew nothing about

The question is, when would such person be man enough and make private decisions by himself without any influence

helinues:
Arranged means coping with a stranger which you knew nothing about

The question is, when would such person be man enough and make private decisions by himself without any influence

It may also mean, trusting decisions of elders who have more experience than you in the matter. Don't you think that might have a huge advantage?

My late paternal grandfather got into an arranged marriage with his second wife, but it still never worked out... He went back to his first wife that he chose for himself running and never looked back... They stayed together until death separated them in their old age.

Some of us didn't even know he had a second wife until his death.

CockPit:
It may also mean, trusting decisions of elders who have more experience than you in the matter. Don't you think that might have a huge advantage?

Have those elders lived with the arrangee lady before hence knowing all about her behaviour and character or they just assumed from afar

If a man can't decide on who to settle with by himself, then what tangible decision can such person make?

helinues:
Have those elders lived with the arrangee lady before hence knowing all about her behaviour and character or they just assumed from afar

It is assumed that if the mother has a good character and from a good home, the lady will also be good.

Sapasenator:
It is assumed that if the mother has a good character and from a good home, the lady will also be good.

That's wrong assumption. May be in the olden days but not in this generation

Some of those yahoo boys, Oloshos are from good background but chose to be wayward.

Samantha125:
My late paternal grandfather got into an arranged marriage with his second wife, but it still never worked out... He went back to his first wife that he chose for himself running and never looked back... They stayed together until death separated them in their old age.

Some of us didn't even know he had a second wife until his death.

Lots of my Indian friends complain about arranged marriages though, especially the ladies.

Arranged love marriage is the best 🤭

Sapasenator:
It is assumed that if the mother has a good character and from a good home, the lady will also be good.

True

Sometimes arranged marriage is better of.