₦airaland Forum

dipset01:
I honestly feel very frustrated and just need to get this off my chest. I now understand what people mean when they say, “Don’t marry the wrong spouse.” Brethren, I think I may have gotten this one wrong.

My wife and I have been married for seven years. I was 28 when we got married, and she was 22. In the beginning, things were fine, but along the line, the marriage became increasingly challenging. From early on, intimacy was an issue. She often refused sex, saying she was tired. To reduce tension, I limited my request to once a week — usually Saturday mornings — even though I would have liked more.
She also didn’t cook regularly. I complained several times, especially since I covered about 95% of food and household expenses. Eventually, I got tired of complaining. When we moved to lagos from portharcourt, She once told me she didn’t feel loved and wanted me to do more house chores and take her out more. I tried to adjust — suggested she hired a maid, helped around the house, and made an effort to take her out when possible. Lagos life can be very busy, but I did what I could. Every year for the past four years, I made sure we lodged in a 4- or 5-star hotel for a few days as a couple. She went on vacation to dubai 2 years ago. But she often said I was doing it “for the family (children), not for her.” That she wants her own treatment.


At one point, after a serious conflict, I took her to her father’s house and told him that we didn’t love each other anymore. During the mediation, she played the victim at first, crying. But when her father tried to correct her, she suddenly became defensive and started yelling — even at him. Her father was shocked and had to calm the situation. He later told us something that stuck with me: “You two talk, but you don’t communicate.” Since then, I’ve tried to improve our communication, but it feels like my wife has given up on the marriage.

In the past year, things have gotten worse. Any small thing I say seems to anger her. She interprets normal conversations as arguments and shuts down. I have become conscious of it and tell her not to raise her voice and try to match her voice tone. She’s not open to resolving conflicts. I honestly believe she no longer loves me — she resents me. She gets angry easily, often over nothing. We barely talk deeply anymore. Most of our conversations are shallow. I try to initiate discussions, but she’s either uninterested, on her phone, or just cold.

She no longer sleeps in the same bed with me, claiming back and neck pain. I’ve offered to buy a new mattress or switch beds, but she’s not interested. As a result, our sex life has deteriorated — we’re down to about once in three weeks, and even that comes with tension. Even to approach her now comes with alot of hesitation and fear of rejection. Recently, when I tried to be intimate, she got angry, accused me of hurting her breast, even though she was the one preventing me, she then walked away. That led to another quarrel. It’s extremely frustrating to feel rejected repeatedly, especially after weeks of restraint.

Even minor things turn into big arguments. For example, I once told her not to pour water into the griller after cooking because it could cause rust. Her reaction was explosive — she shouted that she’d never wash the oven again and that I should do it myself, going forward. I felt asked was she was yelling. I tried to calmly explain, but she kept escalating, I must wash it, if she cooks the food, i must wash the burner. It dawned on me that she no longer sees or appreciates what I do in the house. Despite being the main provider, I still handle more than 50% of household chores — I wash dishes, vacuum, clean toilets, take the boys to school, iron everyone cloth etc. She mainly cooks, bathes the kids, and does laundry. I told her I do as much chores and she is in no position to dictate to me, no big deal in washing the burner but she needs to be polite. And she should not take me doing chores for granted, I am just supporting her. We both work from home so there is no stress of commuting to work etc

She acts like she’s disgusted by me. She avoids sitting near me, doesn’t want me to touch her, and even turns her face away when I try to kiss her. If she is sitting on a chair, if i come sit on that chair she will use style and go to the room. It is either my mouth smells or my tummy is big. I am relative fit, not a 6 packs man o. I go just swallow these things. Nothing wrong in feedback, but the way and manner she gives it is not fine. Never ever body shamed her. One day she told me, sabi I was almost calling of the marriage while we were engaged, why did I marry her? I was shocked. It was something I didnt remember doing. It just shocks me to know how unforgiving a woman can be, and what goes through their mind.

When I try to talk things through, she ignores me or gives cold replies. I’ve even sent messages on WhatsApp just to get through to her — she either ignores them or replies with things like, “You win.” We don’t walk together anymore — she either walks ahead or rushes off.

One day I even begged her to forgive and forget whatever I might have done, even if I didn’t know what it was. But things only seem to get worse. We relocated to the UK last year, and I thank God I have a good job that helps me support the home. Honestly, I feel that’s the only reason she’s still around. My spirit tells me that if I ever lose this job, I might lose my home too. Or she is just waiting for the kids to be of age.

I’ve tried to make things better — bought her gifts (including a Samsung S24 for her birthday), taken her and the kids to the cinema, arcade, amusement park, and more. She enjoys these things, but there’s no real change. Even told her to tell me what she wants. The only area I think I need to still work on is the pray more with the family. She says she wants me to pray more with her and the children. I admit it an area I need to work on.

No one is perfect, neither am I or expecting my wife to be. I know I’m a good husband and a great father, But it feels like she’s emotionally checked out. Divorce is never in my mind because I come from a Christian home, and I care deeply about my kids and even her. I still believe any marriage can work if both partners are willing to try. But right now, I’m just tired. It’s painful when you want to communicate, but the other person refuses. She’s grown cold, distant, and resentful. When she cooks, I can see the resentment in her eyes, she is not happy doing it. It is like she went into the marriage with certain expectation and it doesnt look like I am meeting them. I have tried to ask, what can i do, teach me to love you. Tell me what you wants, for where? she will just lock up.

She has good qualities — she’s spiritual, beautiful, ambitious, serious-minded, she takes good care of the kids, she has introduced my children to God and prays with them. But emotionally, it feels like she’s no longer in the marriage. I’m just frustrated and honestly don’t know what else to do. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been faithful, responsible, and patient.

At this point, I just needed to vent. Maybe someone out there has gone through something similar and found a way forward.

Don't allow spirituality fool you. Some narcissist are deeply spiritual, but doesn't stop them from being what they are. Even the devil is spiritual. If you re both Christians, then failing to perform her duty as a wife,

No amount of counselling can make her change her mind, so don't waste you hard earn money on a woman is on self destruct mode.

If she want to go, don't hold her back. Let her go.

dipset01:
I honestly feel very frustrated and just need to get this off my chest. I now understand what people mean when they say, “Don’t marry the wrong spouse.” Brethren, I think I may have gotten this one wrong.

This seemed like me a few months ago,even though I do not have all the answers yet but we re no longer where we used to be.

I would advise that you stop all this your bending over to win her back and niceties, you are only going to irritate her the more rather go to God in prayers,you see that prayer you never liked or you didn't always join them to,that is your last resort currently.There is a lot I would like to tell you maybe you can mention me on an old post and we take it from there.

I would remember you in my prayers going forward.

Kobojunkie:
Women love men who control them, yet one of the major complaints by women who later divorced their husbands in the UK is that the men attempted to assert control over them even in the UK. Why many of una no dey always make sense?

2. OP, do not let these folks blackmail you into believing you are the problem simply because your description does not portray you are a man interested in manipulating and dehumanizing his wife in marriage.

your own Na to twist narratives because you want to talk.

God knows why he made man the head of the home.

Headship means leadership and leadership is a responsibility dat goes with a healthy form of control , direction and giving guidance to someone.

If there is no control either in an office or home, things won't go smoothly.

Control over your wife doesn't mean bully or beat or assault physically or mentally.

A husband been in control over his wife means the man shud be assertive, be firm, be manly, coming up with the final decision or action that shud be taken in the home.

gerizzim:
➜your own Na to twist narratives because you want to talk. God knows why he made man the head of the home. Headship means leadership and leadership is a responsibility dat goes with a healthy form of control , direction and giving guidance to someone.
➜If there is no control either in an office or home, things won't go smoothly. Control over your wife doesn't mean bully or beat or assault physically or mentally. A husband been in control over his wife means the man shud be assertive, be firm, be manly, coming up with the final decision or action that shud be taken in the home.

1. Which God are you accusing of this now? Amadioha? Obatala?? Orunmila? Sango? Olodumare? Which one? 🥱🥱🥱

2. Control that typically ends up making your marriages no more useless than a tug-of-war/battleground that even your own children no longer wish to have a part in? 🥱🥱🥱

Kobojunkie:
1. Which God are you accusing of this now? Amadioha? Obatala?? Orunmila? Sango? Olodumare? Which one? 🥱🥱🥱

2. Control that typically ends up making your marriages no more useless than a tug-of-war/battleground that even your own children no longer wish to have a part in? 🥱🥱🥱

even this one you are mentioning. they reign supreme with a form of control. Enter ayelala or sango shrine go thief what belongs to it weda you no go collect. That is control.

As for your point2, that one Na you understand weda Na control be that or outright brutality.

I said healthy form of control not oppression.

Gotocourt:
Every year for the past four years, I made sure we lodged in a 4- or 5-star hotel for a few days as a couple, in UK, Christian stories. You took all this red flags to UK

My brother, you are a finished man.

That is what I was about to say, he noticed all this attitude and still decided to take her to UK of all places where women have upper hand to treat their husbands as they want. The only thing that remain is to involve court and seek for divorce then he will know what he has done.

gerizzim:
➜even this one you are mentioning. they reign supreme with a form of control. Enter ayelala or sango shrine go thief what belongs to it weda you no go collect. That is control.
➜As for your point2, that one Na you understand weda Na control be that or outright brutality. I said healthy form of control not oppression.

1. Many people did just that back in the day, and absolutely nothing happened to them. Even with all of the threats issued by the Oba back in those days, to this day, those cases remain unresolved. 🥱🥱🥱

2. What does this healthy form of control look like, since even your own kids who don't want any part in what their father modeled for them in their marriages— all they seemed to have seen was oppression and nothing else?🥱🥱🥱

OP has been a long time Nairalander, that is the only reason I could believe the tale. So after all the attitudes by your wife, you both relocated to the UK?

Wow!

Gerrard59:
OP has been a long time Nairalander, that is the only reason I could believe the tale. So after all the attitudes by your wife, you both relocated to the UK? Wow!

Should he have left his wife back in Nigeria while moving abroad or something? For what purpose? What gain would there have been for him if he had left his own wife back in Nigeria to permanently move abroad alone?

Houseofglam7:
This marriage is clearly standing on its last leg.

If dem con comot the standing from this hin last leg, wetin go happen to all of them for that family?

My brother she is trying to make you submissive lol she is going to keep you unde her shoes .

You are dealing with a narcissist.
You are making the same mistakes over and over and over.
Never beg a woman when you know you are doing the right thing, it will only get worse.
Have seen this happen to me, friends close to me and younger ones.
They only get worse.
They believe they are beautiful and have a lot of admirers, reason they are not ready to change or cold or stubborn or insultive, maybe aggressive sometimes.
Had been in your shoes before BUT will never fall into that trap again.
She will drain your soul. By the time she is done with you, your self esteem will be so so low, you will be total used up and drained emotionally, psychologically and mentally drained.
And guess what? She will still spit you out
What she is portraying are the signs of early stages of cheating and divorcing your ass.
If you know what is best for you, quietly take a walk and leave her.
You take her to cinemas, outings, begging to let you know what you did and how to be a better husband to her, she withholding sex while you beg for it constantly,.... She is a Manipulator. They are very many in town now
I have seen so many of them over and over.
Most guys weakness is that such ladies are always homely, gentle/quiet, beautiful, intelligent, religiously inclined. It is a perfect combo of what most men are looking for and will die to keep or make it work despite seeing the red flags to flee.
Let me drop my own for now

.

almarthins:
Don't allow spirituality fool you. Some narcissist are deeply spiritual, but doesn't stop them from being what they are. Even the devil is spiritual. If you re both Christians, then failing to perform her duty as a wife,

No amount of counselling can make her change her mind, so don't waste you hard earn money on a woman is on self destruct mode.

If she want to go, don't hold her back. Let her go.

I am about to type this. Most of these covert narcist hide under spirituality to unleash mayhem in the marriage. If you don't care about the needs of your own husband, how can you claim to love any kind of God that is neither seen nor proven to exist?

Allow her give her space and don't ask her 4 sex for a lng period of time.... Just casual discussion nd off to bed find other things u could engage urself with dat will always keep u outdoors..... Uk hv so many amateur football league u could go watch matches etc.... But wat of konji try find old woman for UK there explain to her wat u are passing through as per black wey u b God go finish work for you.... Wetin i knw self nothing just pray she no find another Man there for UK ur own don finish.

starpower:
Sometimes what attracted our spouses are our behaviors when we have options. Please sir read the psychology of seduction by Robert Greene. I tried to once do things my madam way, 2 years we really had hard times, suddenly I dress well when going out with her, took dancing class, started kitchen upgrades and was cooking for my fun. It was the day I told her I was going for foot massage. Madam just said, am I seeing someone, I smile asked her she can join me. Now she clips my nails. And she sometimes says, am I really a married man. I suspected old script from her childhood parenting is affecting the relationship, I choose to focus on making my life worthwhile.

I love this bro.
It seems you and I have the same mentality.
When I was focusing on my own madam too, doing the loving/caring husband, the relationship was not just going the way I want.
After a while, I sat down and drew a new plan - I started dressing better, smelling better with nice perfs, enrolled at the gym, swimming etc.
My wife has become more jealous and always sneaking on my fone everytime to see if am dating someone else and she has been of better behavior compared to the past.
I believe knowing a man is been admired outside triggers their some alarms in them that someone will soon replace them if they slack

Skj13777:
Oga, have a serious side chick . Remove your emotions from your wife totally take her more like a nanny for your kids. Your side chick will satisfy you sexually. I don't know how easy it is to get side chick in UK. Don't discuss anything with your wife just be as mysterious as possible. In future she may want to win you back but at the moment your side chick is helping her. Send your side chick on vacation if you can they appreciate it.

Gotocourt:
Every year for the past four years, I made sure we lodged in a 4- or 5-star hotel for a few days as a couple, in UK, Christian stories. You took all this red flags to UK

My brother, you are a finished man.

Your problem is that you're trying too much to please her.

If I can advise you at this point, I will say, do your part and leave the rest. Play your role as a father. But don't approach her for anything sex. I have stayed away from sex going to 2 years now and I haven't died. So, not having sex won't kill you.

Stop bothering yourself. At this point, just focus on your children. There is nothing you can do any more. You've tried. Stop trying to please her any further.

You are making things worse. You can force a horse to the river but you can't force the horse to drink water if the horse doesn't want to drink water.

Don't give her any more attention. Just play your roles as a father and focus on your children.

Take my advice and watch her crawl back to you and make amends.

This kind of situation is among the things I fear most about marriage! Being married to a lady who is showing me this level of coldness would literally kill me, especially if I'm deeply into her. One-sided love is truly bad but finding mutual love is very difficult.

Once you lose your job,she’s gone..

dipset01:
I honestly feel very frustrated and just need to get this off my chest. I now understand what people mean when they say, “Don’t marry the wrong spouse.” Brethren, I think I may have gotten this one wrong.

My wife and I have been married for seven years. I was 28 when we got married, and she was 22. In the beginning, things were fine, but along the line, the marriage became increasingly challenging. From early on, intimacy was an issue. She often refused sex, saying she was tired. To reduce tension, I limited my request to once a week — usually Saturday mornings — even though I would have liked more.
She also didn’t cook regularly. I complained several times, especially since I covered about 95% of food and household expenses. Eventually, I got tired of complaining. When we moved to lagos from portharcourt, She once told me she didn’t feel loved and wanted me to do more house chores and take her out more. I tried to adjust — suggested she hired a maid, helped around the house, and made an effort to take her out when possible. Lagos life can be very busy, but I did what I could. Every year for the past four years, I made sure we lodged in a 4- or 5-star hotel for a few days as a couple. She went on vacation to dubai 2 years ago. But she often said I was doing it “for the family (children), not for her.” That she wants her own treatment.


At one point, after a serious conflict, I took her to her father’s house and told him that we didn’t love each other anymore. During the mediation, she played the victim at first, crying. But when her father tried to correct her, she suddenly became defensive and started yelling — even at him. Her father was shocked and had to calm the situation. He later told us something that stuck with me: “You two talk, but you don’t communicate.” Since then, I’ve tried to improve our communication, but it feels like my wife has given up on the marriage.

In the past year, things have gotten worse. Any small thing I say seems to anger her. She interprets normal conversations as arguments and shuts down. I have become conscious of it and tell her not to raise her voice and try to match her voice tone. She’s not open to resolving conflicts. I honestly believe she no longer loves me — she resents me. She gets angry easily, often over nothing. We barely talk deeply anymore. Most of our conversations are shallow. I try to initiate discussions, but she’s either uninterested, on her phone, or just cold.

She no longer sleeps in the same bed with me, claiming back and neck pain. I’ve offered to buy a new mattress or switch beds, but she’s not interested. As a result, our sex life has deteriorated — we’re down to about once in three weeks, and even that comes with tension. Even to approach her now comes with alot of hesitation and fear of rejection. Recently, when I tried to be intimate, she got angry, accused me of hurting her breast, even though she was the one preventing me, she then walked away. That led to another quarrel. It’s extremely frustrating to feel rejected repeatedly, especially after weeks of restraint.

Even minor things turn into big arguments. For example, I once told her not to pour water into the griller after cooking because it could cause rust. Her reaction was explosive — she shouted that she’d never wash the oven again and that I should do it myself, going forward. I felt asked was she was yelling. I tried to calmly explain, but she kept escalating, I must wash it, if she cooks the food, i must wash the burner. It dawned on me that she no longer sees or appreciates what I do in the house. Despite being the main provider, I still handle more than 50% of household chores — I wash dishes, vacuum, clean toilets, take the boys to school, iron everyone cloth etc. She mainly cooks, bathes the kids, and does laundry. I told her I do as much chores and she is in no position to dictate to me, no big deal in washing the burner but she needs to be polite. And she should not take me doing chores for granted, I am just supporting her. We both work from home so there is no stress of commuting to work etc

She acts like she’s disgusted by me. She avoids sitting near me, doesn’t want me to touch her, and even turns her face away when I try to kiss her. If she is sitting on a chair, if i come sit on that chair she will use style and go to the room. It is either my mouth smells or my tummy is big. I am relative fit, not a 6 packs man o. I go just swallow these things. Nothing wrong in feedback, but the way and manner she gives it is not fine. Never ever body shamed her. One day she told me, sabi I was almost calling of the marriage while we were engaged, why did I marry her? I was shocked. It was something I didnt remember doing. It just shocks me to know how unforgiving a woman can be, and what goes through their mind.

When I try to talk things through, she ignores me or gives cold replies. I’ve even sent messages on WhatsApp just to get through to her — she either ignores them or replies with things like, “You win.” We don’t walk together anymore — she either walks ahead or rushes off.

One day I even begged her to forgive and forget whatever I might have done, even if I didn’t know what it was. But things only seem to get worse. We relocated to the UK last year, and I thank God I have a good job that helps me support the home. Honestly, I feel that’s the only reason she’s still around. My spirit tells me that if I ever lose this job, I might lose my home too. Or she is just waiting for the kids to be of age.

I’ve tried to make things better — bought her gifts (including a Samsung S24 for her birthday), taken her and the kids to the cinema, arcade, amusement park, and more. She enjoys these things, but there’s no real change. Even told her to tell me what she wants. The only area I think I need to still work on is the pray more with the family. She says she wants me to pray more with her and the children. I admit it an area I need to work on.

No one is perfect, neither am I or expecting my wife to be. I know I’m a good husband and a great father, But it feels like she’s emotionally checked out. Divorce is never in my mind because I come from a Christian home, and I care deeply about my kids and even her. I still believe any marriage can work if both partners are willing to try. But right now, I’m just tired. It’s painful when you want to communicate, but the other person refuses. She’s grown cold, distant, and resentful. When she cooks, I can see the resentment in her eyes, she is not happy doing it. It is like she went into the marriage with certain expectation and it doesnt look like I am meeting them. I have tried to ask, what can i do, teach me to love you. Tell me what you wants, for where? she will just lock up.

She has good qualities — she’s spiritual, beautiful, ambitious, serious-minded, she takes good care of the kids, she has introduced my children to God and prays with them. But emotionally, it feels like she’s no longer in the marriage. I’m just frustrated and honestly don’t know what else to do. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been faithful, responsible, and patient.

At this point, I just needed to vent. Maybe someone out there has gone through something similar and found a way forward.

You don't relocate abroad with a woman who has shown you all these signs in Nigeria. That's a big mistake bro. She clearly doesn't love or respect you

That woman go leave you laslas

Iamzik:
➜You don't relocate abroad with a woman who has shown you all these signs in Nigeria. That's a big mistake bro. She clearly doesn't love or respect you. That woman go leave you laslas

. Despite all the so-called signs she showed in Nigeria, OP chose to keep her as his wife. So, why again should he not have relocated with her?

Kobojunkie:
. Despite all the so-called signs she showed in Nigeria, OP chose to keep her as his wife. So, why again should he not have relocated with her?

Hmm I have learnt not to ignore red flags. Any relationship where the woman is not more emotionally invested than the man cannot last.

As a man ensure that the woman you're dating loves you more than you love her and make her prove it convincingly before marrying her. My personal view.

Iamzik:
➜Hmm I have learnt not to ignore red flags. Any relationship where the woman is not more emotionally invested than the man cannot last.
➜ As a man ensure that the woman you're dating loves you more than you love her and make her prove it convincingly before marrying her. My personal view.

When already in a marriage, the only way not to ignore a red flag is to exit said marriage. OP did not divorce his wife as a result of the said red flags in the marriage. So, why shouldn't he have chosen to Japa with her?

2. I don't agree with this since it would mean the man was himself settling for the woman in marriage. Research has shown us enough that the partner who settled would eventually start looking elsewhere for emotional and social balance needed to survive the relationship. We see that happen every single day, mind you. Is that really your idea of a sensible union?

Kobojunkie:
When already in a marriage, the only way not to ignore a red flag is to exit said marriage. OP did not divorce his wife as a result of the said red flags in the marriage. So, why shouldn't he have chosen to Japa with her?

2. I don't agree with this since it would mean the man was himself settling for the woman in marriage. Research has shown us enough that the partner who settled would eventually start looking elsewhere for emotional and social balance needed to survive the relationship. We see that happen every single day, mind you. Is that really your idea of a sensible union?

Yes it's my idea but it's personal and i don't expect everybody to share the same view. A woman must show equal or greater committment and emotional investment for the marriage to work. Anything less is a failure waiting to happen. Women hardly leave a marriage where they have invested so much love and committment. They know how to make it work if they love you

Iamzik:
➜Yes it's my idea but it's personal and i don't expect everybody to share the same view. A woman must show equal or greater committment and emotional investment for the marriage to work. Anything less is a failure waiting to happen.
➜ Women hardly leave a marriage where they have invested so much love and committment. They know how to make it work if they love you

. And when that woman realizes that she is literally carrying the relationship on her head, you expect her to be OK with it, right?

2. I am glad our daughters no longer wish to live like their mothers and grandmothers before them. I would never want my daughter or anyone I love to suffer in that way, and I am glad they are realizing this themselves.

Kobojunkie:
. And when that woman realizes that she is literally carrying the relationship on her head, you expect her to be OK with it, right?

2. I am glad our daughters no longer wish to live like their mothers and grandmothers before them. I would never want my daughter or anyone I love to suffer in that way, and I am glad they are realizing this themselves.

Lol you think it's suffering but that is just how nature has designed it. It may not make sense to you but it's ok.

Any relationship where the woman is not more committed and emotionally invested more than the man will not last. Men love without reservation when they love. A woman can date or even marry a man she doesn't love and continue to stay with him as long as he's serving her purpose/need. The moment the man is no longer able to meet those needs or serve her, she will change her attitude and ultimately leave because there was no genuine love from the start.

I have seen this happen to the rich and poor, Ordinary people and celebrity alike.

If you marry a modern woman solely because you love her so much without testing her to be sure that she loves you even more then it won't be long before you come here to tell us your own super story just like the op.

It is men that love blindly. Women love with the eyes wide open. A word is enough for the wise

dipset01:
I honestly feel very frustrated and just need to get this off my chest. I now understand what people mean when they say, “Don’t marry the wrong spouse.” Brethren, I think I may have gotten this one wrong.

My wife and I have been married for seven years. I was 28 when we got married, and she was 22. In the beginning, things were fine, but along the line, the marriage became increasingly challenging. From early on, intimacy was an issue. She often refused sex, saying she was tired. To reduce tension, I limited my request to once a week — usually Saturday mornings — even though I would have liked more.
She also didn’t cook regularly. I complained several times, especially since I covered about 95% of food and household expenses. Eventually, I got tired of complaining. When we moved to lagos from portharcourt, She once told me she didn’t feel loved and wanted me to do more house chores and take her out more. I tried to adjust — suggested she hired a maid, helped around the house, and made an effort to take her out when possible. Lagos life can be very busy, but I did what I could. Every year for the past four years, I made sure we lodged in a 4- or 5-star hotel for a few days as a couple. She went on vacation to dubai 2 years ago. But she often said I was doing it “for the family (children), not for her.” That she wants her own treatment.


At one point, after a serious conflict, I took her to her father’s house and told him that we didn’t love each other anymore. During the mediation, she played the victim at first, crying. But when her father tried to correct her, she suddenly became defensive and started yelling — even at him. Her father was shocked and had to calm the situation. He later told us something that stuck with me: “You two talk, but you don’t communicate.” Since then, I’ve tried to improve our communication, but it feels like my wife has given up on the marriage.

In the past year, things have gotten worse. Any small thing I say seems to anger her. She interprets normal conversations as arguments and shuts down. I have become conscious of it and tell her not to raise her voice and try to match her voice tone. She’s not open to resolving conflicts. I honestly believe she no longer loves me — she resents me. She gets angry easily, often over nothing. We barely talk deeply anymore. Most of our conversations are shallow. I try to initiate discussions, but she’s either uninterested, on her phone, or just cold.

She no longer sleeps in the same bed with me, claiming back and neck pain. I’ve offered to buy a new mattress or switch beds, but she’s not interested. As a result, our sex life has deteriorated — we’re down to about once in three weeks, and even that comes with tension. Even to approach her now comes with alot of hesitation and fear of rejection. Recently, when I tried to be intimate, she got angry, accused me of hurting her breast, even though she was the one preventing me, she then walked away. That led to another quarrel. It’s extremely frustrating to feel rejected repeatedly, especially after weeks of restraint.

Even minor things turn into big arguments. For example, I once told her not to pour water into the griller after cooking because it could cause rust. Her reaction was explosive — she shouted that she’d never wash the oven again and that I should do it myself, going forward. I felt asked was she was yelling. I tried to calmly explain, but she kept escalating, I must wash it, if she cooks the food, i must wash the burner. It dawned on me that she no longer sees or appreciates what I do in the house. Despite being the main provider, I still handle more than 50% of household chores — I wash dishes, vacuum, clean toilets, take the boys to school, iron everyone cloth etc. She mainly cooks, bathes the kids, and does laundry. I told her I do as much chores and she is in no position to dictate to me, no big deal in washing the burner but she needs to be polite. And she should not take me doing chores for granted, I am just supporting her. We both work from home so there is no stress of commuting to work etc

She acts like she’s disgusted by me. She avoids sitting near me, doesn’t want me to touch her, and even turns her face away when I try to kiss her. If she is sitting on a chair, if i come sit on that chair she will use style and go to the room. It is either my mouth smells or my tummy is big. I am relative fit, not a 6 packs man o. I go just swallow these things. Nothing wrong in feedback, but the way and manner she gives it is not fine. Never ever body shamed her. One day she told me, sabi I was almost calling of the marriage while we were engaged, why did I marry her? I was shocked. It was something I didnt remember doing. It just shocks me to know how unforgiving a woman can be, and what goes through their mind.

When I try to talk things through, she ignores me or gives cold replies. I’ve even sent messages on WhatsApp just to get through to her — she either ignores them or replies with things like, “You win.” We don’t walk together anymore — she either walks ahead or rushes off.

One day I even begged her to forgive and forget whatever I might have done, even if I didn’t know what it was. But things only seem to get worse. We relocated to the UK last year, and I thank God I have a good job that helps me support the home. Honestly, I feel that’s the only reason she’s still around. My spirit tells me that if I ever lose this job, I might lose my home too. Or she is just waiting for the kids to be of age.

I’ve tried to make things better — bought her gifts (including a Samsung S24 for her birthday), taken her and the kids to the cinema, arcade, amusement park, and more. She enjoys these things, but there’s no real change. Even told her to tell me what she wants. The only area I think I need to still work on is the pray more with the family. She says she wants me to pray more with her and the children. I admit it an area I need to work on.

No one is perfect, neither am I or expecting my wife to be. I know I’m a good husband and a great father, But it feels like she’s emotionally checked out. Divorce is never in my mind because I come from a Christian home, and I care deeply about my kids and even her. I still believe any marriage can work if both partners are willing to try. But right now, I’m just tired. It’s painful when you want to communicate, but the other person refuses. She’s grown cold, distant, and resentful. When she cooks, I can see the resentment in her eyes, she is not happy doing it. It is like she went into the marriage with certain expectation and it doesnt look like I am meeting them. I have tried to ask, what can i do, teach me to love you. Tell me what you wants, for where? she will just lock up.

She has good qualities — she’s spiritual, beautiful, ambitious, serious-minded, she takes good care of the kids, she has introduced my children to God and prays with them. But emotionally, it feels like she’s no longer in the marriage. I’m just frustrated and honestly don’t know what else to do. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been faithful, responsible, and patient.

At this point, I just needed to vent. Maybe someone out there has gone through something similar and found a way forward.

You married a classic covert narcissist.
She will never change till she dies
She will get worse with age.
She will mess up your mental health.
She will poison your children against you if you try to leave.
She has always been like that, her family knows....but will never tell you before you married her
She will act so nice when people are around some of them will not believe these things you say about her
She feeds off your emotion. Once she starts trouble dont give her any emotion, just be cold and blank even if she tries to get physical and violent.
Educate yourself about them, the religion is a cover, some will go to church everyday and still be a covert narcissist.
Once her children grow to adulthood, she will show them pepper too.

She doesn't love you . File for divorce. You deserve peace of mind.

Iamzik:
➜ Lol you think it's suffering but that is just how nature has designed it. It may not make sense to you but it's ok.
➜ Any relationship where the woman is not more committed and emotionally invested more than the man will not last. Men love without reservation when they love. A woman can date or even marry a man she doesn't love and continue to stay with him as long as he's serving her purpose/need. The moment the man is no longer able to meet those needs or serve her, she will change her attitude and ultimately leave because there was no genuine love from the start.
➜ I have seen this happen to the rich and poor, Ordinary people and celebrity alike. If you marry a modern woman solely because you love her so much without testing her to be sure that she loves you even more then it won't be long before you come here to tell us your own super story just like the op.
➜ It is men that love blindly. Women love with the eyes wide open. A word is enough for the wise

1. The literal suffering of your mothers and sisters is not suffering but nature? WOW!

2. Well, I am glad women are no longer investing their lives in these so-called relationships that last.

3. I am glad women are finally realizing that it is worthless and of no benefit for them to carry these emotional burdens all by themselves.

4. Again, I am glad many women are no longer looking to bear the emotional and physical labor of making relationships last. I am happy they are finally making sure to walk out when they realize what they have been blindly doing to themselves.

Gerrard59:
OP has been a long time Nairalander, that is the only reason I could believe the tale. So after all the attitudes by your wife, you both relocated to the UK?

Wow!

It means no matter the advice he gets from here it won't change anything until he self destructs.