₦airaland Forum

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.

My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.

I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.

He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.

I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

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You caused yourself all of the headaches you mentioned above.

Why didn't you consider all of these points before marrying him?

Each of the issues in his life is sufficient to kill any man's libidos.

Without telling anyone, I can guess the pressure you'll be giving him without a job, apart from his alcoholism which also kills libido.

The way out of your dilemma are:

--- Calm down
--- Decide what you want; vibrant sexual life or improved financial life/condition. You can have both of you are ready.
--- the age difference between you guys is another factor. You're just arriving at the peak of your libido, he's going down from the peak. To get healthy sexual relationship between the two of you, you must grow out of the common women nagging.
--- Discuss issues without nagging. If you aren't careful, he may contemplate marrying another older woman outside for peace of mind.
--- Take care of him and enjoy a good sexual life before he looses interest in any sex.
--- Don't contemplate cheating, because he'll be too happy you continue, and he'll also find a way to help himself.
--- He wants sex too o, but without hypertension from anybody.

Sonnobax15:

He doesn't cheat

How broke man wan take cheat?

I'm speaking from experience tho .

I am here to debunk the narrative of "broke men don't cheat because they don't have money". Cheating is behavioral and not financially linked for the most part. I use myself as an example, I have whims and caprices to cheat and be promiscuous but I don't because I am not wired that way.

So her husband not cheating might be because he is not the cheating type and not that he is broke.

SpencerForbes:
I get the feeling he didn’t really satisfy you from day one. What was the plan back then—were you just looking to get married and hope for the best?

Did he just start acting this way, or did you notice the red flags early and choose to look the other way? Maybe you even had an exit strategy that didn't go as planned?

She wants constructive criticism/advice, she didn't ask for accusations laced with malice

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.

My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.

I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.

He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.

I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

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Cheating is expensive, every broke man should be loyal to the wife BC he can't afford to cheat, pay for hotel and give a lady decent money.

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.

My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.

I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.

He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.

I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

Google Image

Understood things aren't going as pleased,.I just think you should still be patient.Since he doesn't physically abuse you.Dont view your marriage as it's falling apart. .Just seek for that elderly one in his family,talk to him about it all..All he needs is just to quit the drinking habits,trust me he gon be that uptight man in all ways..You can't take it all from him at once...He is fighting two demons which are Gambling and Drinking..With gradual process he can let go of both

ned009:
➜Understood things aren't going as pleased,.I just think you should still be patient.Since he doesn't physically abuse you.Dont view your marriage as it's falling apart. .Just seek for that elderly one in his family,talk to him about it all.. All he needs is just to quit the drinking habits,trust me he gon be that uptight man in all ways ..You can't take it all from him at once...He is fighting two demons which are Gambling and Drinking..With gradual process he can let go of both

A 40-year-old man fighting demons he was not able to overcome before marriage to a 22-year-old girl. And now you want this woman to, after 5 years of waiting in vain, continue to wait in vain for even more years of her life? He is 45 now and still hasn't just quit drinking habits and become that uptight man, but you want this young lady to continue future-faking herself by staying with him?

If this were your daughter or your sister, would you give her this same advice? 🥱🥱

Mikocake:
I’m having the feeling that Op feels the husband deprived her of her youthful life by marrying her off @22, but my sister let me tell you the truth, nothing dey street oo. I don’t know who might be advising or influencing you to feel inadequate in your marriage but there are no perfect marriage anywhere. I’ve seen cases like this and the women always turn bitter after leaving their husbands because they realize there’s no love in the street. Don’t leave your home to turn sidechick to someone’s else husband oo. All the problems you listed about your husband can be worked on. I think his inability in bed can be attributed to his habit of drinking alcohol which when cut out or reduced, will get better. If his father is still alive, talk to him about the situation or a male figure that he respects. And remember, please don’t cheat on him cuz once you do, kiss your marriage goodbye. Men who don’t cheat hardly forgive cheating oo

you dey carry hookup?

Jamie248:
She wants constructive criticism/advice, she didn't ask for accusations laced with malice

Having beef or malice as you put it with someone I’ve never even met is crazy. 🤦‍♂️

We really need to understand why she’s speaking up just now. If she knew about this from the start, complaining today feels like she’s just looking for validation to cheat on Nairaland. A man doesn't suddenly pick up a gambling habit in his 40s; he’s likely been at it for years, unless "village people" are actually involved.

I’m not one to give advice without getting to the root of the issue. It’s like trimming branches instead of pulling the stump—just a waste of time.

Akalia:
I am here to debunk the narrative of "broke men don't cheat because they don't have money". Cheating is behavioral and not financially linked for the most part. I use myself as an example, I have whims and caprices to cheat and be promiscuous but I don't because I am not wired that way.

So her husband not cheating might be because he is not the cheating type and not that he is broke.

so you don't like big yash and tits?

Kobojunkie:
. If the problem had been the man complaining of not getting satisfied in bed with his woman, would you equally suggest the same? 🥱🥱🥱

A key that opens many doors is called a master key while a door which can be opened by many key is regarded useless
#NoBeKeyTalkBeThis#

DeLaRue:
Forget what social media marriage influencers tell you, the doings in the other room is important to maintain good relations in a marriage.

Money, and being a 'good man' alone will not make for a happy marriage if the other part is lacking.

Given the choice of A or B below, most married women will pick B:

A) Money - 9/10; Sexual relations - 5 /10
B) Money - 7/10; Sexual relations - 8.5/10.

That's the unspoken reality.

do you like big yash

cr7lomo:
Reason why we men should avoid hoes .... they are never satisfied... u see when they say women should remain virgins until marriage...feminists will attack ...

where can i find well endowed gals that are not into Hookup

Flexyup:
Brother no be lie... She's emotional frustrated. Social media dey freak her out. Her eye go soon come down, when she eventually takes that decision she is struggling with and finally realizes that no marriage is perfect, it takes patience

early 20s or late 20s gal which will you go for for marriage?

Flexyup:
Five years to close bro, your wife will eventually look older than you with time. I prescribe 10yrs max.

but that gap is wide

cloud:
There's no reason to suggest why a 45 year old man cannot satisfy you sexually. The only reason his level of sexual activity is impaired is cause of his alcoholic addiction and lack of exercise. Secondly, you need to stop comparing yourself to your single friends which is why you feel the need to leave your marriage to explore uncharted territory. No marriage is complete and every relationship has it's challenges. Would you rather be in a marriage where finance is not an issue but you get physically abused? So rather than nag, look for constructive ways to make him change, such as showing him more love and support, proferring viable financial advice, encouraging him to reduce his alcoholic intake and exercising. If you like, continue to listen to your single friends, it's only a matter of time before you use your hand to spoil your home.

Best response so far

Kobicove:
He does not beat you, he does not cheat on you, he does not abuse you emotionally...

There in nothing here to suggest your marriage is falling apart.

The real issue you have is the fact that your husband does not have money

Contrary to popular belief….there are many things women want asides from money.

Originalsly:
Hmmm .... good to reach out for advice from a wide field. Consider these.

We're you sexually active before you married? If yes .... then you were used to a certain level and frequency and intensity and size penis when it comes to sex. This level will be expected in marriage...period. if he did not have the same size tool .... that's a problem. Because of the age difference....he may be able to keep up with it in the beginning,.. and even using sex enhancers to boost his performance. That is no longer as effective after a time and naturally he had already passed his sexual prime even at the time of marriage. But now you're in your prime... you are cooking. Why wouldn't you be frustrated?

He already knows he's no longer able to put in the work....but for you to tell him that he is not satisfying you ...at all? .... that's like a major insult. To claim he is not doing anything about it...is another insult. It is in the DNA of man to spare no effort in having his tool working well. Maybe he went too far in making it work to satisfy you that has lead to him being pretty much impotent. To a man...being impotent is like losing his soul ....what else is there to live for? ...and he begins to exist ..not survive ...exist. Gambling and alcoholism are his escape routes. Both addictions ...both require money ...money from you first to feed the addiction.
.
My advice.... show that you are interested in him sexually ... find other ways to make him at least try to satisfy you ... this will bring back some measure of sexual confidence in himself ... let him kno he's doing better when he's not on alcohol .... and tell him he ehmmm ....sucks when he is on ...and you'll have to pull the plug. Hopefully ... he'll try to become the man he once was and get off of gambling to hold on to you. BTW....did he do any tests for infection?...any tests for high blood sugar? ...did he take COVID-19 shot?....for any if these can affect performance.

Some of you just post rubbish without proper medical knowledge. How is a 45yrold man sexually incapable? A 45yrold man is still very much sexually fit. Like previous writers commented, his sexual performance is obviously being hampered by risk factors especially the heavy drinking. Even a 25yrold guy who drinks heavily would experience same problem. Curtailing these and indulging in proper healthy lifestyle is the key.

SpencerForbes:
Having beef or malice as you put it with someone I’ve never even met is crazy. 🤦‍♂️

We really need to understand why she’s speaking up just now. If she knew about this from the start, complaining today feels like she’s just looking for validation to cheat on Nairaland. A man doesn't suddenly pick up a gambling habit in his 40s; he’s likely been at it for years, unless "village people" are actually involved.

I’m not one to give advice without getting to the root of the issue. It’s like trimming branches instead of pulling the stump—just a waste of time.

Sorry didn't mean to offend I initially thought you were one of those pesky misogynists

He could easily hide a gambling addiction from a naive woman who doesn't know what to look for, alcoholism on the other hand couldnt have been hidden, she must've been aware of his drinking all along....I have to admit you're right on that score...

If it's sexual satisfaction that is the matter, then you can help him get some drugs even herbal ones that has no side effects in order to boast his sexual performance.

Sonnobax15:

He doesn't cheat

How broke man wan take cheat?

I'm speaking from experience tho .

That a man is struggling does not mean he cant cheat

Anything wey you like as bad habit you go dey see Money do am

people that love weed no matter how broke they claim to be dem go smoke in a day

same thing alcohol you go see money drink if its your priority

Carot:
early 20s or late 20s gal which will you go for for marriage?

Late 20's of course. But we go run some security checks from ur early twenties up.

Cherryediva:
Hello

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My dear, you deserve it, the sexual pleasure I mean. thank God you said you guys talked about it, what is the outcome? Most couple doesn't get satisfaction through penile penetration alone, that is where oral and stuffs comes in, If he really cares he should be ready to go the extra mile. You should discuss it in a mature, lovely, humble way.
For the other addictions, na trouble oooo, reduce the money you give him, you give him the money for what exactly, gambling? It's worse If it's virtual, you need prayer and people you know he respects to talk to him, that is, after you have spoken to him a number of times and he didn't change.
Nothing God cannot do.

You said it all …that’s what we call relationships…the good the bad times….pray do some cancelling and stick with your marriage
Best Regards

Johnisine12:
You said it all …that’s what we call relationships…the good the bad times….pray do some cancelling and stick with your marriage Best Regards

Stop lying to her! What she has is not a relationship but a prison sentence.

drstranged:
Some of you just post rubbish without proper medical knowledge. How is a 45 yr old man sexually incapable? A 45yrold man is still very much sexually fit. Like previous writers commented, his sexual performance is obviously being hampered by risk factors especially the heavy drinking. Even a 25 yr old guy who drinks heavily would experience same problem. Curtailing these and indulging in proper healthy lifestyle is the key.

Before accusing others of posting rubbish.... what have you with medical knowledge posted? Just look at the bolded. Don't you know many guys not yet 40 are impotent? ... dead? ... with almost zero possiblity of ever being resurrected?

An empty barrel makes the most noise

Sonnobax15:

He doesn't cheat

How broke man wan take cheat?

I'm speaking from experience tho .

The girl obviously no get sense.
The fact that a broke man still gambles and drinks alcohol heavily should tell what kind of person he is.

Cherryediva:
Hello everyone, sorry for the long post
I got married at 22, my husband was 40 at the time. We have been married for 5 years and we have a child together.

My concern is that my husband is not able to satisfy me sexually at all, which is frustrating, I have talked to him about it nothing seems to change. Financially, he is struggling, partly because he gambles a lot. He also drinks alcohol heavily.

I work too but he doesn't want me to have my own money he is always collecting money from me.
He doesn’t have clear goals, ambition, or a vision for the future, and this makes me feel stagnant in the marriage.

He is a good man in terms of character. He doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t abuse me at all, and he treats me well overall.

I’m confused because while he is good to me, I feel stuck and unfulfilled. I would really appreciate advice from y'all who have been in similar situations or who can offer honest guidance.
Thank you.

Google Image

Talk to him and recommend products.

Sometimes sef, Nigeria economy can't make a responsible man lose sex cravings.

Tell him to give you head nah, at least if gbola no work, make tongue work. Abi you go kuku dey use intimacy gadget

Mikocake:
I’m having the feeling that Op feels the husband deprived her of her youthful life by marrying her off @22, but my sister let me tell you the truth, nothing dey street oo. I don’t know who might be advising or influencing you to feel inadequate in your marriage but there are no perfect marriage anywhere. I’ve seen cases like this and the women always turn bitter after leaving their husbands because they realize there’s no love in the street. Don’t leave your home to turn sidechick to someone’s else husband oo. All the problems you listed about your husband can be worked on. I think his inability in bed can be attributed to his habit of drinking alcohol which when cut out or reduced, will get better. If his father is still alive, talk to him about the situation or a male figure that he respects. And remember, please don’t cheat on him cuz once you do, kiss your marriage goodbye. Men who don’t cheat hardly forgive cheating oo

The truth is that when a man is broke ...his sexual urge dies ...

otherway:
✓ Talk to him and recommend products.
Sometimes sef, Nigeria economy can't make a responsible man lose sex cravings.
Tell him to give you head nah, at least if gbola no work, make tongue work. Abi you go kuku dey use intimacy gadget

Recommend products to a man old enough to be her father who refused to help himself before she showed up? What is she? A savior to this man who refused to save himself? His mother and father? 🥱🥱🥱

Precious201010:
Let me contribute mine..

1: Unable to satisfy u sexually, there's really nothing that u can do about it... The age gap is the main issue, sometimes u want it hard and fast, but he's a little bit old for that.. he's close to 50 ...

2: Gambling, here is the main problem, the chances of Winning bet these days, u need more than spiritual goggles, betting will only make u poorer and give u a force hope, if Man-U no spoil the ticket Borussia Dortmund will do it... Let's not even talk about virtual bet, that one is worse than the devil himself..

3: from all indication, he's a good man, and the union already produced a child, he doesn't beat or abuse u, he takes care of u and the child, u can't have it all at the same time, some marriages the man satisfy them, but usually abuse them physically or emotionally...

My advice: remain in the marriage, try and talk to him as u have always done, there are other ways to satisfy a woman without penetration.

That's a weak lie. Except he's sick or has never been good in bed ,he can do whatever he has been doing earlier. And your closing advice is also lame. He's probably been doing well in that department and the constant alcohol abuse to manage his stress of not being financially responsible for his family and emotional/ psychological trauma from his situation is most likely responsible. Any man having sexual problems like this most likely caused it on himself due to bad habits and neglect of physical and mental health. A healthy man in his 50s and 60s can still do whatever he wants in the bedroom. She's also tired of managing his brokenness